HELP: author appearance tomorrow. Don’t know how to read

Tittle. I’m due for my first career reading/Q and A/shoehorned stand up comedy appearance tomorrow but funny story: I can’t read good or at all.

My book was written by my cousin who owes me money. I’m freaking out. I’ve been stuck on the same Scooby-Doo Little Golden Book since I was 6. Can never make it through that damn haunted fish packing plant. I can only eat at restaurants that have pictures of the food. I don’t even like the Rooty Tooty Fresh N Fruity at IHOP.

Need all the advice and prayers you got.

Also, what if I get a big stress boner and knock the table over and everyone sees my boner?


I'm assuming you're using text to speech for these comments. Just wear thick sunglasses and tell them you can't read right now because you just had laser eye surgery that couldn't be postponed. Ask for a volunteer from the crowd to read for you while you nod knowingly and add comments about "what you felt as you were writing that." Answer any questions that confuse you with "You know, that's interesting. Tell me more about your interpretation." People will eat it up, you'll seem like a master class in engaging with literary fans, they'll feel heard and respected. If anyone accuses you of dodging questions, remind them that art is a dynamic process, and what you wrote might as well have been written by someone else by the time it goes through the filter of the individual, and that's why you're so passionate about it. Then tell them you'll be happy to elaborate through email if the surgery was successful and you regain the ability to focus your eyes. You'll even rake in pity points for coming out to engage with them when you're dealing with such a serious medical issue. uj/ damn I felt dirty writing that.


The boner may save you. I can't tell you how many tight places getting a boner was the difference between life and death for me. My John Tomas and I make a good team when it comes to escaping danger.


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