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sheer-audacity

“290 lbs last time I checked” means he’s a smooth 340lbs at least.


BrokeNEET

Last time he checked he cans till see the numbers on the scale without it being covered by his belly. It's been long time since then.


neilio83

And at 5'6 he must be hella jacked


Namependage

Absolute unit I'm sure


MountVernonWest

He probably can't check anymore because most scales max out at 300 lbs.


Hamst_r

I have a scale that says the max is 550… I live in the US… I can’t imagine North American scales maxing out at 300 considering the doctor scales max out at 350...Unless you use a bariatric one which I think is up to 1000.


usernameinprogress89

No way an American scale maxes at 300.


[deleted]

It’s from The Office


PillowOfCarnage

Being <120 pounds and sharing his bed seems to run a high risk of being smothered to death if he rolls over on you.


spuninmo

I bet hes more of a dimpled 340lbs....


Fatcac

5,6” at 290???


xxrambo45xx

All muscle man


arycka927

Poor ol boy hasn't seen his pecker since the 90s.


maccaphil

Yep, he has very serious dicky do. You know, the condition where your belly stick out more than your dicky do.


goaterra

I hate how hard I laughed at this comment


iwannagohome49

Golden comment right there, have an updoot


Ted6-5

In NZ it would be called a GOC (gut over cock)


maccaphil

So many good little kiwi sayings.


laughs_with_salad

I can not afford to award you so take this poorman's gold 🏅


aprillynn67

Im 5’3” 115 lbs trying to imagine 3 more inches and twice plus my weight 😬 scarey


breakone9r

I'm twice the weight.. and I can give ya 3 inches.. Does that count? [Gratuitous weiner pic](https://i.imgur.com/STt5DLg.jpg)


Crunka19

I second guessed myself for clicking on that but now I’m glad I did


breakone9r

*finger guns* happy to help!


iheartpambeas

Same


BullBear7

You can share my bed if you want.. sike!


Iored94

I AM THE BED


kurogomatora

How would two people fit on that bed? I know a guy who is 6'6 and thin as a rail with a 5'5 gf who is a ballet dancer so very slim and long muscles not bulky at all but the two of them just barely fit on a twin bed. Those are two very thin people, if this guy is 5'6 with a girl who is 5'2 and average weight, how will they fit? It is not the height but the width.


sova123

There’s queen and king sized beds....What adult couples sleep on a twin?? LOL


LouBerryManCakes

Yeah but there's no queen or king sized race car beds though.


RarestCakedayofAll

-slowly raises hand- No room for a bigger bed. We make it work. Sometimes the dog (a rather large Golden) even squeezes in there.


MeatCat2

Back when my bf and I first got together we were broke as fuck and slept on a two seater couch 😂 we classy like that though


Tico483

ONEGAI MUSCLE


missthrowaway87

I’m imagining ‘no neck ed’ from 90 day fiancé.


Kritter_Coffee

That's exactly where my mind went too.


Fallen_Muppet

This exactly who I thought of!


rhudson77

One of the unlisted requirements is that she has to roll him to the table and then to the toilet.


IHeartBadCode

Just a super quick BMI calculation here. That's 46.8. To put that in a scale, a BMI of 30 is ~~morbidly~~ obese. 25 to 29.9 is overweight. 18.5 to 24.9 is the ideal range. EDIT: Shifted categories by one.


Bad-Science

25-29.9 is overweight. Over 30 is obese. Morbidly obese isn't until over 40.


xlifeisgreenx

This is good science.


shadow-Walk

but can he run 100m in under 40s


KaishiTanaka

Well if rolling downhill


chemkay

Last time he checked


ThaiJohnnyDepp

1997


knyago

He has morbid obesity


PaPaw85713

5 and a half by 5 and a half.


janderson75

Was closing thread and came back to upvote this


DuckfordMr

I did the same for your comment, lol.


janderson75

Appreciate that!


[deleted]

And what an angry cube indeed.


ForzeBibi

Mister five by five He's five feet tall and he's five feet wide He don't measure no more from head to toe Than he do from side to side


Fallen_Muppet

My daddy use to call em 4x4s, lol! Short n wide.


Reya-Isabella

It's the ✨ *marywania* ✨ for me.


[deleted]

[удалено]


AngrySnakeNoises

hmm kokane


PillowOfCarnage

krokodil


theGurry

Not to be confused with Kokanee


kurogomatora

mushrums and cetamyne must be okay as well


sorenmagnussen

Yummy


calvin426

Kowalski analysis


rickjames_experience

Peeceepee time!


bronxsolo

How could someone possibly pass this opportunity up?


PwnySoprano

He literally can't even spell and he has all these requirements. Must be white or Asian, but dude can't even spell Caucasian 🙄


Reya-Isabella

He gives me trailer trash vibes tbh.


KarmaPharmacy

That’s insulting to trailer trash.


shavemejesus

He gives me Harvey Weinstein vibes.


Wildcat-Jim

Lol yea, 44 lives with parents, 5’6” and pushing 290. Bet he smells wonderful!


Judochop28

That’s cause he’s a COCKcasian himself.


QuintenBoosje

that rhymed!


ARH5588

My personal favorite was biologially.


Fuckyoumecp2

Dude lives with his folks. That did it for me...


allisonstfu

I found the tiktoker


Vugtz0r

Oh damn, now I get what he meant.... thank you!


Jesus-Mcnugget

I'm morbidly obese but you better be hot and skinny if you want to be my slave!


MendelevandDongelev

Jaba? Is that you?


Fuck_auto_tabs

Wabba uggi chabba, 90 DAY FIANCÉ, oh hou.


BigXris

Waaah neigh!!!


rehtulx

At least Jabba was rich and lived on his own.


Ahmed-Jawdat

Lol true


aprillynn67

lol...he is reduculous


Capptotayusb

It's like 95% fake.


DogFacedManboy

You’re not going to find a Bang Maid because there’s no such thing.


[deleted]

[удалено]


shitshillelagh

handjobs are being thrown around like hotcakes!


china-blast

Shes just mashing it


[deleted]

lol yeah right, so many girls wait hand in foot for their loser boyfriends


PresidentialPepe

It's definitely a thing, but not for guys in his situation.


waxxo707

Dude...save some pussy for the rest of us


JaBeast1387

Yea he’s obviously drowning in it


itsDrik

This guy says "for reasons i rather not say" but im pretty sure the reasons are implicit


edirongo1

= *for reasons clearly stated herein below*


souwah

Goddamn its wild it “didn’t work out” once already.


PwnySoprano

Whodda thunk??


Ahmed-Jawdat

I wonder why


HKSergiu

Why it hasn't worked out it's pretty self-explanatory. Who in their right mind agreed to such arrangements in the past - that's the question I have


ghintec74_2020

"Hey nana! I found you a free place to live. Yes its all free and you get to cook too. You also get to a companion to cuddle. Yes your lady friends from the senior center can visit anytime. You have to shave your armpits and legs though. No you can keep your facial hair. What? Eww! No you don't have to shave down there."


[deleted]

[удалено]


dae_giovanni

I'm picturing Jabba, but like... disgusting


UNLwest

At least Jabba was rich and lived on his own


[deleted]

Probably didn't work out last time because she found out that his parents were using the other room the same way Norman Bates' mother was using hers


edirongo1

He pushed every fucking button in the cockpit of this rolling dumpster.


xj3ewok

This is, without a doubt, one of the finest sentences I've ever read


llamareform

My "family friend" had an arrangement with some rando where she'd get reduced rent in exchange for sex. Prostitution with extra steps


Crankylosaurus

Imagine prostituting yourself and not even being worth a full month of rent


Bjorn_Hellgate

I was like "alright, fairly standard trashy neckbeard stuff" and then i saw the age...


TotallyFlip

This is obviously satire


KarmaPharmacy

I’ve posted ads looking for a room/apartment before and have had multiple men offer me all sorts of shit to be their side piece in a side apartment that the wife doesn’t know about. I posted nothing that would indicate that I wanted something like that. I think what I experienced might be a tactic for human trafficking.


PwnySoprano

Some things...I wonder....The story about the guy who advertised for someone to come over + get their dick cut off was a real thing so you never know, man.


[deleted]

If you're talking about the guy I think you are, the gentleman that showed up for this event was suicidal. They removed *and ate* his penis after trying some raw and sautéed in garlic and butter. Unfortunately, the penis's former owner was not in enjoyment of its raw variation.


Tomatoesforever

What the fuck am I reading


WroughtIronHare

German cannibal case a few years back. It made the news because it was so out there but also due to the ethics of it; the cannibal didn't attack anyone but put an ad out and was very polite and the man who was partially eaten consented to it. He wanted to die and the cannibal wanted to eat someone but didn't want to hurt someone against their will, so perfect match. Except that murder, suicide, cannibalism and violation of a corpse are all illegal. For me personally, I'm on the organ donor list and would find it a waste to eat my organs if they could save someone's life but overall, if I'm dead I'm dead. Not gonna haunt you. People treat corpses way too preciously.


MysticPinecone

Is that where the IT Crowd got that episode from about the polite German cannibal?


[deleted]

Probably? Manson also has a song about it.


PwnySoprano

Pretty sure that was it. And the guy who posted the ad claimed it wasn't the first time someone had answered it 🤮


Orangutanion

Yeah come on... "Marywania"


truthtruthlie

The fact its a reddit post, too. Reddit is not the place anyone goes to for apartment hunting


FucksGuysWithAccents

Actually, most major cities have seeking roommate subs. Which is what this is- a seeking roommate ad. Not a rental ad.


N0_Shad0w

Not trashy, just a troll


[deleted]

From beginning to end, pure unadulterated satire. I think it was the list of random religous/political requirements that got me.


Ahmed-Jawdat

Idk you never know


Jskybld

This is 100% fake dude lol.


garlicroastedpotato

So much shit on Reddit is obviously jokes and people get upset about it. Signal that this is a joke could be found him advertising his height and weight.


[deleted]

He’s looking for a drug addict prostitute. Sadly plenty of them would do this when they get desperate enough


xxrambo45xx

Without any basement/ kitchen made tattoos?


PwnySoprano

Yeah and how many are biologically white female Republicans with no tattoos and are petite? Lolol


JustThinkAboutThings

This thought just ruined my day :(


[deleted]

Welcome to reality.


urOp05PvGUxrXDVw3OOj

I think I would rather sleep with the parents.


dooble_dee_doo

As an Asian I confidently speak for the community that if any Asian woman is actually down for this in any world, your heritage is ✨revoked✨


calvacrox

*please* **please** **PLEASE** be satire oh how badly i want this to be satire


[deleted]

Marywania sounds like a Mario villain


inwector

44 year old, short, fat fuck still living with his parents. He's lucky he gets a post on reddit about him lol.


[deleted]

I feel like this dude gets his relationship advice from like hentai.


Xanik_PT

If someone agrees to that I will delete all my social media and live in the jungle for the rest of my life


doctorsnakephd

r/ChoosingBeggars


mr_mike-me

So much cringe to unpack here.


Dustinalan

What!?.. What a fucking turd. It's guys like this is why it's dangerous to be a woman. I don't know, anyone could see through his bullshit. Though this strikes me as a person who'll go to extreme measures if he doesn't get what he wants.


oni_akuma

Wait he's 5'6 and over 250 pounds a midget umpa lumpa seems about right I'm guessing still a virgin who's never been employed and still has a bedtime.


Bandits101

They’ll be bashin’ his door down to take that offer up. 120 lb girls would just love a 290lb slob panting on top of them.


established82

44 yr old fat fuck living with his parents and wants basically a living doll...


Osariik

...he's seven inches shorter than me and almost double my weight? Also, he's 44 and still lives with his parents?


luvprue1

He's 44 and still live at home with his parents so that means he doesn't have a job, or he doesn't have a get up and go.


bluedot131

5’6 and 290 pounds. Fit as fuck!


kainilsante

I was sold at 44 and still living with my parents. Basically he is trying to find an Indonesian worker.


vitaestbona1

Biologically female, now post op.


courtney_5000

*marywania*


we-are-all-monsters

When the Hell did i write this?


talkshitgetshot

Found Ted Bundy's reddit.


TheAliensAre

This is so fake lol, if not I feel bad for the parents


guyute1179

No way is this guy for real


DiveMasterD57

"...it has not worked out for reasons I'd rather not say..." Tha's okay bruh - we know.


drKush-

Actually this is pretty common on craiglist


eyecumeverywhere

Mom! She forgot to shave her legs again!


stinkload

Rainbow farts and unicorn tears have a better chance winning the federal election than this guy has a chance of finding that mess


Shannnnnnn

290 lbs last time I checked My bet is on 400 now


EdwardYen

CACAUSAN LMAOOOO


[deleted]

I like that he gives himself an opening for plausible deniability on his height.."last time I checked.."


Whitethumbs

It would be funy if they just kept listing more ridiculous numbers about themselves. "Last time I checked, 5'6''; I have a tail, 6 fingers on one hand but only 4 toes on one foot. I have fiery red hair that actually smells like curry no matter what I do. My finger nail on my pinky is 1 foot long, I have neon green eyes that glow in the dark, my elbow is triple jointed. I have an ingrown toenail that looks like a bunny. I can balance anything on my tongue but not more then 1lbs. I have a wooden tooth and a cat named olam. "


NuzZz47

FUck...she not gonna survive for 1 day...her 120 lbs body will cush under his 290 lbs body...lol


KnotMadameDeFarge

Extra large no extra charge.


army-vet-77

Yuck🤮🤮


Brazzers22

What the FUCK??!


[deleted]

He’s fucking 44


dequavis264

I think it’s a joke but if it’s not that’s sad af


radleraz

Fucking vomit galore!


NegativeNormy

This guys a legend.. wtf he doin here?!


anticlockclock

This is the dude from 90 day fiance isn't it?


jesseaahdhs

😳 he would crush a 120 lb girl


Re-Mecs

Not the marywania!


jkosarin

This guy is living in a dreamworld!He is so picky about how the girl should look but check out his description lmao!And he’s 44 yrs old still living with mom & dad lol. I can’t believe he says he had girls go for this arrangement.Just wow.....


Keiichigo

I would have said yes to everything and was prepared to enslave myself for life but when he mentioned “republican”, that’s where I drew line.


Primer2396

The fact that others have left because of things he'd "rather not put here"


ManBoyManBoyMan

Judging by the things he *does* put there it has to be something real bad


chrille85

"Marywania"?


CrockWithASilentR

Yes, it's a terrible gatwa drig that promotes cocaina, herobrine and LEDs


ArnolduAkbar

I see a man that knows what he wants! Unlike you indecisive fools. Ladies that are interested, get in there!


neodymium1337

I think this is made up.


somanystuff

line starts behind me ladies


Ipad_is_for_fapping

Clearly this isn’t real. Right?


HenryMOER

"Not worked out for reasons I rather not say", writes the 44 year old man living with his parents.


Environmental_Sea

Didn't want to state a reasons it didn't work out and then proceed to give every possible red flags.


[deleted]

He’s 44, lives with his parents, and expects all this? Damn bro he’s dumb as shit


garinarasauce

God damn 5'6 and 290 is dense.


notquitenicheenough

When you’re as old as your BMI..


phr1990

Is this big ed


AM1492

I find it kind of gay when a man wouldn’t sleep with a women because of her race. More for me I guess


millyfrensic

This is definetly satire


astrobearmen

This is a joke. No way this is a real request.


Cheesebag44

God you smooth brains get baited by anything this is SATIRE


[deleted]

Knowing that these guys exist makes every normal guy feel a lot better about himself


SethR1223

I would love to know if anyone that fits his requirements would actually be like, “Well, beats working.” I’m guessing if they did exist, they could do better than this guy, and with less stipulations...and no parents involved.


1000Airplanes

Who leaked one of the planks of the GOP platform?


NeillBlumpkins

Obviously fake.


fucked_by_a_bee

I mean...nobody is forced and he is clearly stating what he wants, he is a genious: if it works he's set for life, if it does not work he's a laughingstock of the internet, which I suspect he already was so...meh?


itsgabrielsimao

Those arrangements don’t work. As time goes by he will start wanting more and more and the arrangee will want less and less until things possibly take a dark turn because the arrangee doesn’t have any better options at the moment.


Kiss_the_Girl

He sounds like a real prize to me


Significant_Credit

He must have awesome weed though, to figure some woman out there will go for that ......


Significant_Credit

He’s just saying she can’t have any of it ....