By - AudibleNod
I want robodonuts
One Plan B bacon maple bar please.
Adderall bear claw for me.
WE'RE OUT OF BEAR CLAWS!
One dozen starving crazed weasels please
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over..
Oh man, they were just going nuts..
They were tearin' me apart!
You know, I think it was just about that time
That a little ditty started goin' through my head..
Aaaahhh! Get ‘em off me!
Hey! You've got weasels on your face.
Thank you. This is exactly what I was looking for. Diligently searching this thread, refreshing, and waiting for you to appear, majestically, thanklessly. Anyway, what I'm really trying to say is I. HATE. SAUERKRAUT!!!
I'll take two of those please thank you
I’ll take a dozen of those ketamine donut holes please
Lemme get a dozen k holes
[Taco Bell Launches New 'Morning After' Burrito](https://www.theonion.com/taco-bell-launches-new-morning-after-burrito-1819564251/amp)
“Developed by a team of top Taco Bell gynecologists”
This articles is 25 years old. Impressed its still up.
I’m impressed the joke holds up.
I'm eating for one.
Combination taste sensation, uterine evacuation.
Fentanyl fritter for me please.
is it voodoo donuts?
yea makes sense. lol def sounds like something they would do
I'm not American. why is this so?
Voodoo donuts is just known for crazy donuts concepts.
The medicine ones are not the norm though. Generally its things like cereal on top of a donut, or a donut in the shape of penis.
Then the majority of them are fairly standard. Its a marketing gimmick to attract tourists.
And it works very well. Tourists love that place.
I liked it in university too. It was open after the bars closed and that counts for something.
Every college town needs at least one late night/open 24 hours eatery spot where you can get coffee and something sweet. My college town had a 24-hour Perkins and when we were bored and sick of dorm life we'd go there for pie and coffee.
Agree, but I'll just say any mid+ size town should have one period. My husband and I lived in Anaheim CA and we were fiends for M&M donuts that opens at 9:00pm and they serve their donuts in a pizza box. I'm a little lady with a generally small appetite and I can absolutely put a box away by myself, particularly after a few drinks. I'm salivating right now just thinking about it.
Yeah, in general I'd rather have a kk, but in the middle of the night, voodoo is inexplicably there for me, and I appreciate it!
Yes it does. I rarely have a flight out of Portland that doesn't have someone carrying a box from voodoo donuts.
The donuts aren't that good. Blue star>voodoo
Blue Star is really good. But I don't think of them as a donut shop.
If you can't go in at 5AM and get a dozen donuts, it's a bakery.
Also, there's no price break for buying in bulk.
That meyer lemon key lime custard filled one is to die for. I dream about it
Voodoo donuts has a tendency to be very… eccentric when it comes to experimenting with donuts.
They probably copied the Flamin’ Moe.
Also, Matt Groening was from Portland.
>Matt Groening was from Portland.
Is... is he not *still* from Portland?
He still is, but he was, too.
A little off topic but still one of my favorite lines from him that I don't even know why it's funny is, "I was in a grocery store the other day buying 8 apples, when the clerk asked if I wanted a bag, I said "No ma'am, I juggle... But I can only juggle 8, if I'm ever buying 9 apples, fuckin bag em up!"
I don't need a receipt for a donut, i give you the money, you give me the donut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this.
Lmao my favourite is
“This guy asked me if I would like a frozen banana. I said no, but I would like a regular banana later, so yes.”
Whenever I come across and escalator that's out of order I think "escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience"
It’s funny because Mitch was super clever. It’s a ridiculous anecdote but grounded enough to be silly. His joke cadence also sets up everything to be really funny, because the expectation is that he’ll deliver. RIP Mitch
Ugh. I get sad everytime I think how much more material there could've been. Dude was the realest one.
I try to remind myself that the world was better for having had him. It brings me joy.
Or It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. "We're making brownies. The drug-filled kind."
*The gang meets the FDA and the DEA*
maybe also the ATF for the shot-gun and gun-shot.
Anyway, I started blasting.
Bro, I can handle my sedatives.
Karate snowmachine CHOPset!
I'm chopping all over my action. And mostly power.
The magic is in the hole
Great slogan for a brothel
Except they only look good. They taste dry and stale. Blue Star is so much better
Blue Star is the fucking best. I still dream about an olive oil and … was it basil? citrus? both? donut I had there
Blue Star, NOLA, and Doe are all miles better. Can’t leave out Joe’s in Sandy either.
Not only that. But their donuts really aren’t that great. It’s all for the gimmick. The only time I’ve legitimately enjoyed one of their donuts was when it was fresh and warm. Other than that it’s not worth it. I’m happier getting donuts from Safeway or Fred Meyer than Voodooo.
Only one I ever liked from there was the maple bacon bar
Then they asked Rogue to turn it into one of the most disgusting beers that has ever seen the light of day.
Fuck you for reminding me that taste. I need mouthwash now.
And only if it is fresh. They are decent, not great, donuts when fresh. When they are more than a few hours old they are not good.
Blue Star or Sesame please and thank you.
> only if it is fresh.
While this is true of all donuts, I’ve never had a donut that had its quality vary so wildly based on time of day as Voodoo. A lot of the wild toppings they use go stale faster than donuts do, so the difference between a fresh Voodoo and a not fresh one is huge.
Honestly, glad I’m not the only one who is refers brands like Kroger or Safeway… voodoo donuts to me are just so.. heavy. Like eating a compressed loaf of bread.
You gotta eat them like a big cake. One lil slice every so often. This is why getting the ones topped with cereal is never a great idea, since it’s always stale by day 2.
I hate all these decadent instagrammable dessert places. Every ingredient they pile onto these things is made worse by the excessive addition of the next ingredient. This stuff is all basically inedible to me. Everything is too sweet and unwieldy.
When they announced the choco taco would be discontinued I looked around out of curiosity to see if there were local ice cream shop alternatives and the few that had some version of them were all like chipotle burrito sized monstrosities and absolutely could not be eaten like a regular taco.
I don't disagree, but Voodoo at least has been at it since before Instagram. They started for late night stoners (initially they weren't even open during the day) and only later became a place for tourists who know about it from cable TV and social media.
That said, unless you are stoned and it is midnight or you are such a tourist, there's much better donut options in Portland and in my experience pretty much nobody local actually goes there anymore--and again, even when they did it was late at night and they were most likely stoned or drunk.
I feel the exact same way about Crumble (a cookie place). They are good but so rich and very over the top.
For Voodoo, the only ones I like are the peanut butter added ones.
My town just got a Crumble, and I just went. Wayyy too rich. A family of four could split one.
That is the idea, each cookie is 4 servings
So eccentric that they've closed down in my area and picked up and moved a few times. Cuz they're just bad compared to our local shops, which are doing fine.
They do a lot of novelty donuts with Froot Loops and stuff on top. I’m not sure about the Pepto or NyQuil, but they used to have a donut called the Hangover with aspirins on top. They just like doing weird donuts. They also do regular donuts along side the weird ones.
Donuts with aspirin on top sounds dangerous tbh
Sounds like a really good way to get shut down by the FDA.
Hey, how about that?
as far as I can tell, the Hangover was originally made with pepto and crushed Tums. Not asprin
(from 2006) https://www.thebeliever.net/doughnut-voodoo-doughnut/
> Two of the shop’s claims to infamy were the Nyquil Glazed doughnut and the Vanilla Pepto Crushed Tums doughnut, until health officials told them to stop making them. “The Nyquil one was kind of a lark, but that’s the one that got the most famous. With the Pepto doughnut, I honestly thought if you had that shot of tequila you shouldn’t have at 2:00 a.m., and then you got sugar, bread, Pepto, and Tums, you’d either feel better or puke your ass off and then feel better because you got it out of your system. So it was a win-win either way.”
Tums makes sense, since it's calcium carbonate (much safer than asprin), and sweet/chewable. You're not gonna OD on Tums.
Any donuts with the day after pill? could use a few of those on a sunday to surprise the partner
Apparently you can get one at Costco for cheap without a membership
Basically for amusement purposes. It's a manifestation of 'food as entertainment'.
The pepto one, hangover cure donut.
The nyquil one, fuck you up donut.
Voodoo donuts is known for making gimmicky (and imho bad) donuts. It's not an american thing, it's a voodoo donuts thing. The owners are also anti-union dickbags.
Don't forget when they almost killed their staff during the hot days last summer and then fired the ones that refused to work in a poorly ventilated kitchen, ovens running, with no AC in 120F weather.
I think they lost a lawsuit or at least were forced to pay out for that, IIRC.
I only tried their maple back donut beer when they collaborated with rogue brewing.
God that was awful.
Funny enough one thing that turned me off was that the pink bottle reminded me of pepto bismol.
Voodoo makes weird donuts, not tasty ones. They are basically a tourist attraction. A few years back I was at a convention and they served Voodoo donuts one morning. 2200 people, 1500 donuts and there were many left over.
Yeah theyre just alright donuts.
A professor of mine would buy a bucket of their donuts and bring it up to our uni in Seattle. We'd monch on the donuts in lectures.
I think he wanted to share a slice of his home with us but those donuts were barely okay. There are way better donut places in Portland than just Voodoo...
Having been to voodoo (live nearby), yeah, that's 100% on the money for them.
Seriously tho, their doughnuts aren't very good most of the time. Novel, but not amazing or worth the hassle by any means.
For me, the big thing is the lines of tourists. It's kind of like "Oh, I am okay trying something novel." But when I see the line it's more like "Yeah, I'm just going to go to a food cart. The juice isn't worth the squeeze."
As anyone who lives near a Voodoo doughnuts will tell you: it's not worth it, just let the tourists wait in line for them.
Knew it was them without even having to read the article lol
They missed an opportunity to put viagra in the Cock n Balls.
Their donuts are not even good either. So much hype for that place and I waited in line to try them only to be disappointed. If you want a dry donut with a bunch of random cereal or medicine on it go for it though.
They’re good for what they are: sugary over-the-top yeast donuts. If you want really good donuts in Portland try Blue Star or Doe (Doe is all vegan fyi but don’t let that scare you off)
I was thinking "wait are we at the right place?"
These are like something a six year old sugar junky would make up.
It makes sense with the history of the place.
In its early years it was a tiny hole-in-the-wall joint staffed by crusty punks, open late, and in just the right location to visit after jamming out at some weirdo local music show. The place was so small you could only fit like 6 people inside waiting.
And the goofy punks working the bakery were the ones coming up with all these weird-ass donut ideas to sell to other (often drunk) crusty punks rollin' through. It was *very* local in the beginning.
So yeah, throwing cereal or nyquil onto a donut was normal stuff born from a funny "*what if donut but with X on it?*" casual attitude. There were sometimes 'secret' donut flavors (mostly gross) that would only be there if the right (wrong?) person was working that night & even sometimes 'customization' that got weird fast lol. Not even sure if that was 'allowed' haha, but it happened!
And then in 2008 (I think?) the Travel Channel did a special on the place and it blew up, got attention, and quickly locked down & codified their menu. Then came more fames, additional (crappier) locations, and all the #s , etc. etc.
I even remember the '03-08 donuts being way better, but I would guess that's likely nostalgia-heavy :)
> additional (crappier) locations
Colfax Ave, Denver, CO. Where you can get a donut, drugs, and a prostitute on the same block.
As the lord intended
This is a good peek into the history and I just want to add more context. They were doing novelty donuts when almost nobody else was. I don't know if they came up with the maple bacon bar but they certainly helped to popularize it.
I had Voodoo Donuts for the first and last time in 2009 - hype was still going strong, and I remember thinking:
"Yeah, I like cereal, but this has _nothing_ on the Dutch Market Cockesysville donuts."
Like it was fine, but if you want a seriously good donut, get yourself to a place with a lot of Amish people.
Ola fellow Portland clubber from the early naughts. I totally agree
Voodoo figured out that drunk/high people will buy and pay way too much for novelty donuts. They were never the very best but in the early days they were pretty fresh. Anyone of that era probably bought 3x as many as they wanted just because they were funny or odd flavor.
It was a very good business plan
Yep! I had the pepto one with friends along with the spiciest donut on earth. It made you hiccup instantly. It was so wierd. I'm still baffled by the hiccups
Yes, I grow a lot of different types of chilli plants.
Almost everyone who eats super hot chillies, like Carolina reaper, ghost pepper and the other types of super hot chilli peppers, will get hiccups.
People have different thresholds for spiciness, but once you get to something really really spicy, everyone I’ve come across starts to get hiccups.
The body reacts in a lot of weird ways when things get super super spicy
I love spicy but the hiccups ruin it for me
Because Voodoo Donuts has been mentioned, as a Portlander, I am legally obligated to inform you that Blue Star is better than Voodoo, and Voodoo is for tourists.
Not a Portlander but can confirm, Blue Star is waaaay better.
Also not a Portlander, but having stood in line for two hours for Voodoo Doughnuts like a dumb tourist, screw both you guys for not telling me sooner.
Here is a tip. If you ever see a 2 hour line for any food. Just don't. It'll never be worth it unless you convince yourself it is
Also this is why any place that has such a line really should have a ticketing system or something of the sort where you don't need to wait in front of the place.
Unless it is an emergency food rations line. Then you should probably hang in there.
Barbecue restaurants would like a word with you. Some of them literally sell out by lunch, so people plan their day around going there in the morning and waiting in line. I've never waited in an hour+ barbecue line and it end up not being worth it.
If you stood in line for 2 hours you went at the wrong time. I'm from Oregon and I think the longest I ever waited was 30 min (at around midnight), but rarely did I wait longer than 10 min
I think Sesame Donuts is better than both. Blue Star can be dry
Sesame beats them both.
Yeah but really, the best Portland doughnut is Doe.
Nah it’s Delicious Donuts on Burnside
I'll give you the money and you give me the donut, there's no need to bring over the counter medicine into this
There's not a door there...you have to go around.
I don’t know what you got on your side of the wall, but this side is flat
I’ll put this receipt in the filing cabinet. Under ‘D’. For ‘dextromethorphan’.
Don’t even act like I didn’t get that Donut!!!
End of transaction!
Nyquil on the donut, for when you're sick but still a fatass
Former Portland Uber driver here. More than once male tourists would put Voodoo as their destination because they didn't want their wives to know they were really going to the Kit Kat club next door.
How can you tell the tourists in Portland? They're the ones with the bright pink Voodoo boxes.
One time I had a coworker call me at 3am on a tuesday to ask if I wanted to drive him 6 hours to portland for voodoo. I didnt
He called out the next day and came in at like 7 pm with voodoo doughnuts for everybody. He'd taken a bus
He later got fired because he got caught sleeping in another coworker's shed (he wasn't homeless) and they couldn't stop arguing about it at work lol
Yeah I’m gonna need more background on this.
Shed? Was he there for a party or something or did he wander over? I shouldn’t be surprised because this lines up with “drive me six hours to Portland for Voodoo”.
>He later got fired because he got caught sleeping in another coworker's shed (he wasn't homeless) and they couldn't stop arguing about it at work lol
Sounds more like he got fired for arguing/complaining.
Get in trouble for something? Either apologize and try and assure them you'll endeavor to not do it again, or make a noncommittal nonapology and use your companies grievance policy...
It’s Portland, they could’ve walked up the street to any random titty bar. There are a million of them.
Why are there so many titty bars in Portland? Every time I go it seems like more have opened up.
Serious answer: because stripping is considered protected speech under the Oregon constitution so basically governments can't stop you from opening one anywhere that businesses are allowed.
This is the answer.
Ironically, it's because the Oregon Liquor Commission went on a mission to make topless dancing illegal, by pulling liquor licenses from any establishment that permitted it. Dancers and club owners fight back in court, which made its way to the Oregon Supreme court, which judged it as bonafide free speech, and as such _no_ restrictions could be placed on it, meaning fully nude, full contact dances in full bar establishments are now legal.
As an Oregonian, let me just say fuck OLCC.
As an Oregonian who manages a dispensary I fully agree with you.
Can I just wander naked then?
In 6 US states, women can walk around totally topless in public. Oregon actually is not one of them.
Oregon is actually weird about it. It would not be legal in Portland because of city laws, but you have to actually be engaged in a sexual act or have "the intent of arousing the sexual desire of the person or another person." So going topless is probably OK.
?? Explain the naked bike ride if being topless is illegal in Portland then
Na this is wrong. Women can be topless in Oregon.
You can be completely naked as long as it isn’t for the intent of arousing the sexual desire of yourself or another.
Portland does have the Naked Bike Ride.
Don’t forget, Washington nude bars suck. You can’t drink in the same place as the dancing, must be in separate rooms. People from the south sound just do the 2 hour drive for the titties and booze.
They can be fully nude.
Can’t say that about everywhere in the country.
Yup. I live in Seattle and friends will drive to Portland just for that.
We like titties 🤷♀️
cause they allow full nudity and a a full bar which is not something most states do.
Seriously. Portland has most strip clubs per capital in the country .
I was going to say Tampa would like a word but it seems, per capita, that Portland slightly edges them out. Amazing considering when you visit Tampa you can't help but notice them regardless of how little you care they're there yet in Portland I've never noticed them?
*James Harden requests trade to Portland*
James Harden goes out to strip clubs every time he plays in Portland (and every other NBA city that has strip clubs), it's a well known fact.
The thought of deep fried food being pre-peptoed just sounds like a time saver
[It's vertical integration, Lemon.](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ7oht6TD9c)
[Then I bet you're gonna love this](https://i.redd.it/mgh99si7r7341.jpg)
[Gotta get the OG sleepytime chicken](https://m.imgur.com/gallery/jVdtC)
Holy shit that was a trip
Certified hood classic
I'll have the uhh Lean John, and a couple of Pink Fritters. Do y'all have any of your ibupronuts or acetaminonuts??
They also do weddings for $300 with 9 guests. They'll temporarily close down the shop for you.
That was fun, saved us a bunch of money, and we could tell people that they only let 9 guests in, so sorry you're not invited.
I think I’d pay $5k just to have an excuse for not inviting people.
I'm sure they could strike a bargin at $5k.
I could do one better. Pay me $1k and I'll tell your family that there isn't enough room in my house to invite everyone
Hell I’ll do it for $995
What if I told you that you could pay $0 and just invite you who want? The same people who'd judge you for not inviting them will judge you for having a wedding in a 9-person donut shop...
The original oldtown location on 3rd? I didn't know they could even FIT 9 people in there!
Do the bride and groom get to fry their own donuts?
I have so many questions.
Edit: And they have answers! (https://www.voodoodoughnut.com/shop/weddings/)
Indeed that's the one. They fit just about 9 people, they keep the rest of the customers out just for 5-10 minutes that we're in there. They give you a big box of donuts to take home, but we don't fry our own donuts, sadly.
Oh $300 for 5-10 minutes?
If you're super popular, I guess you could go to the less cool but larger davis lcoationa nd fit in 24 guests! (https://www.voodoodoughnut.com/shop/weddings/)
I'll marry you in vegas for 100$. You don't have to invite anyone
I mean this in the best possible way, but the thought of a wedding in a Voodoo donut shop is incredibly funny
Perfect donut to go with a Flaming Moe.
Moe. It's called a Flaming Moe. That's right a Flaming Moe. My name is Moe, and I invented it. That's why it's called a Flaming Moe. What? What are you looking at, Homer? It's a Flaming Moe. I'm Moe.
If you’ve ever been to any of the Voodoo Doughnut locations and seen the stained glass… My partner and I created them. Along with my grandfather.
That’s sick I love that stuff especially the og one in Portland. I’ve been to almost all of them and the original is still the best
> Their aptly named Maple Blazer Blunt is a raised doughnut rolled to **resemble a cigar**,
They make one that is a giant cream filled dick and balls too. It's pretty popular
When I was stationed in Sacramento, we’d fly into Portland on training flights and folks would make runs to Voodoo - I’ve seen that cock & balls doughnut quite a few times as everyone thought it was a hoot.
They have a Chocolate donut with chocolate icing and cocoa puffs on top called the triple chocolate penetration. I ordered it once in front of a bunch of elementary school kids and thought "well shit if this isn't America I don't know what is.
It’s written by Today. I’m assuming most of their readers would still call it a Doobie so why confuse them
I had an echinacea beer once at a festival. My god it was awful. However the bubble beer, that added tapioca balls from bubble tea, was excellent. Chewy, the way a beer should be.
>Chewy, the way a beer should be.
This is the most dwarven thing i've read all day. lol
It's frankly embarrassing that the FDA has to step in and say [don't add Nyquil to chicken](https://www.cnn.com/2022/09/20/health/dangerous-social-media-challenges-wellness/index.html) in 2022. They're busy enough as it is with phase 2 of the nationwide microchip roll out (/s).
I was giving shots at a vaccination site last year. Someone asked me about the conspiracy, don't remember the exact question. I said I got vaccinated and now my wife can find me on findmyvaccinatedhubby.com.
You should totally get that website and link it to the FDA or CDC site.
I thought about creating a site that had a map of the US and animated little red dots moving around. Could've used FAA real-time flight data to show a layer in the sky. Probably would've freaked people out.
Put plenty of ads on there and you probably could be set for life from the conspiracy nuts.
Brb, hiring someone from r/slavelabour for $100 to make me thousands.
Phase one was a total shitshow. Ive had three shots now and STILL dont have my free 5g. Damn microchips must be faulty.
The maple bacon bars are fire though. I grab a half dozen every time I pass through there.
\[A Pepto-Bismol tanker pulls up next to a BBQ Sauce tanker and unloads. Fry sets his plate of buggalo down on a barrel and pumps Pepto-Bismol onto it. He picks it up and walks over to the barbecue.\]
Never once in my life after taking pepto or nyquil did I think to myself *yum! this tastes so good I wish there was a food flavored with it*
Used to work at a ice cream shop and people loved teaberry even though it looked and tasted just like Pepto.
Im a PDX local and Voodoo donuts are a cute thing to visit, once, but you can only see so many donuts with bacon added for razzle dazzle before you think the whole thing a gimmick.
Also fuck them they fired employees who complained about working in a 100+ degree kitchen and refused to get cooling systems fixed.
If you have to tell someone not to use cough suppressant as a food ingredient, it might be best to take away that someone’s business license forever.
People are acting like they were drugging all the donuts, like slipping meds into the mix or something.
1) That's not what the article says at all. It barely mentions the FDA stuff and doesn't go into detail.
2) Those were specific flavors you had to order. Everyone knew what they were getting.
I've been to Voodoo before and I remember the nyquil donut being advertised. They were upfront about everything.
Imo Voodoo can be pretty good but it's not amazing. You go there for the novelty or you're nearby and have been drinking with friends.
There can be long lines too, which make it a less appealing option if you're just craving donuts.