T O P

Heartbreak

Heartbreak

Bad_Karma21

Hey bud, I'm no expert, but I am going through something similar myself. Mine was short, though, and we were never officially dating, but it felt like magic. It felt like I had found the "one" and that my years of singledom and searching were finally coming to an end. When I was with her, I forgot all the women that had hurt me or that I had hurt, and I felt that childhood magic again where we were 17, wandering around the city, completely engulfed in the present moment and not wanting to be anywhere else. I also forgot me. I forgot all the lessons I've learned never to give my peace of mind to another. I forgot my standards that I have for another person in my life, and I gave myself entirely to this person in too short a time span. The Chinese philosophy of Wu Wei basically says the tighter you try to hold on to something, the easier it slips through your fingers. Well, you know where this is going. After promising me everything and having a top 10 night of my life, she decided she still had feelings for somebody else -- or at least that's the story I got. I didn't stick around for the explanation because why bother? Sometimes we get so blinded by the minutiae that the bigger picture is blurred. She was 11 years younger than me. She lived an hour and a half away. She recently got out of a six-year relationship; I haven't been in one in five. I'm an older man now. 36 to be exact. Those thoughts, those feelings you're having are valid, but with more experience comes the realization that you never really do get over them. They will always be there, those feelings and the memories. But you can reframe them. Both she and you get to experience someone else sexually and completely; how rad is that? Both you and she will meet new people, fall in love again, and likely experience heartbreak again. That sounds like a rollercoaster I would love to ride again. Don't you? I'm sure she's suffering, too, and the easiest answer to all your questions is TIME. Time will provide the healing and the answers you seek. Just remember that for a moment, however brief, you two were enjoined in this wild ride we called life and you shared that together, all the happiness and sadness, and Time can never take that away. Be easy, friend.


Krule_Kid

Thank you for sharing what you're going through. It's easy to feel insular right now, but this is an important reminder that I'm not the first or last person to feel this way. Reframing seems a wise strategy. I'm thinkin it'll come a lot easier if I can fill my time with new people and places, which is sadly difficult during a pandemic. But the wisdom and empathy of your words have helped me immensely. I so appreciate you for taking the time to respond


ScotchBender

Minimum 3 months of zero contact. There are no shortcuts. The ship has already crashed into the iceberg and it's sinking no matter what. Anything you do now is just bailing water.


Krule_Kid

This is the hardest pill to swallow. We're both going through a lot of change in our respective lives and it's taking all my will power not to check on her. Thank you for the advice, I'll do my best to stick to it


CytheYounger

This is what got me through mine. No contact and you're gonna feel sick to your stomach, your head is going to race and you'll grieve about a life you never had together. But it's the only way to heal up. It's like the Churchill quote, "When you're going through Hell, keep going" the only way is through and you'll come out the other end changed.


hooligan-holmes

That is the advice. Follow that and you'll be alright homie


geckoguy04

Hey, Cameron. I apologize if this assumption is incorrect, but I assume by a few indicators in this post that you are quite young. I'm only 25, and may be in no position to give advice from the perspective of an old man, but I heard Chris say once on the podcast that love is easy to find, but compatibility is a hidden treasure. Turning your mind away from this girl will be difficult for some time, but I've learned from past mistakes that reaching out on impulse may only prolong the pain felt by both people. Stay disciplined and trust your intuition. Distract yourself by having fun, living the way you enjoy. When my mind is restless, I often take extremely long hikes to quite the noise. Before you make any decisions regarding Meadow, no matter how small they may seem, breath deeply and calm yourself. Most importantly, don't take the hurt so seriously. You'll find many more friends and lovers who will share your taste in music, food, and who want a lifestyle of travel and naturalism. If you really want to travel, save a few thousand bucks and backpack as long as your money will last. The experiences you have and the beauties you'll witness are likely to change you in countless ways until you hardly recognize your current self. Time will heal the heartbreak, even if you hear the echo endlessly. ​ Relax and smile, Broderic ​ P.S. I know a guy who is experiencing an extremely terrible break up (they'd been dating for years and engaged... then he was caught cheating and she stabbed him), and his mantra has since been to smile and say, "Beautiful. Horribly, horribly beautiful."


Krule_Kid

It's funny you bring up Chris's take on compatibility over love. His voice would pop into my mind any time I felt as though meadow and I were struggling to meet on the same frequency. In a lot of ways, this philosophy was the catalyst to many of my concerns about our relationship. Something I hadn't mentioned in my original post, is that I've been building a tiny house on wheels, for the purpose of travel. When we had met, I brought her on board to my project far too soon, and would eventually walk back my suggestions for co-ownership of the house. I can hardly blame myself for wanting to share this exciting prospect with someone that I could see wanted the same life I did. But then we would inevitability hit another wall, and Chris's voice would appear in my head again. I would then imagine us and the house in the middle of nowhere, and a feeling of immense responsibility for her future, her shelter, her access to work. I'd ask myself 'what if the issues in our relationship worsen, and we break up. So what I kick her out of the house she helped me build? I get her and her dog a U-Haul from the nearest town and send her back to where we came"? My presence in our relationship would completely sink when my mind would get wrapped up in these scenarios, and it had a notable effect on her. So when we had our final conversation, and she asked me point blank if I wanted her to be a part of this expedition I was planning, I had to be honest and say no. So now I turn to your wisdom. I believe you're right, if I can find a way to stretch myself out back into the world, this will all come easier. But building my house was the joy of my life, and now every time I step inside it reminds me of her. I fear it always will, and the thought of anyone else besides her in it feels like a betrayal of some kind. I don't know man, maybe I'm being dramatic. I'm going to try and take your advice. To smile, to breathe, to trust my intuition. I'll carry you words with me, friend, and I deeply appreciate the time you took to respond. I hope you're friends ex didn't stab anything vital, would be a shame to lose a friend, now of all times. Peace to you


dudeinhammock

I see you're getting good advice. You know what's right. So hard though.


LeNoirDarling

Hey Cameron. I just want to say that you can never do the work for someone else to heal. You are right to notice that you were changing yourself to accommodate her traumas and triggers. We repeat the same patterns in life until we break the cycle and grow for ourselves. You seem like a caretaker and a healer.. likely this came from your childhood where you had to caretake someone to get love and acknowledgement. But I hope you can see now that you don’t have to minimize yourself and your needs to get love and acknowledgement. You don’t have to be responsible for other peoples pain and trauma and triggers. You are breaking this cycle for yourself. You should be loved for you and who you are becoming not how you can take care of someone else.. You will heal more. And get more insight. It will be ok. I promise. The right person will be able to show up to you and say “I’m also healing and we don’t have to create trauma bonds to love each other.”


dyashar

Wow. Just wow. I heard Chris’s intro today mention someone talking about a recent breakup they initiated and I had to check it out as I just did the same recently. Reading your story was eerie how similar it is to mine. It was also my first relationship. We had such good chemistry, laughed together, great sex, and both shared a love for the outdoors. She was relaxed and never judgmental. She accepted me completely for who I am, all flaws included. But I couldn’t see past some things that would incessantly bug me and this made me feel anxiety about staying with her when I couldn’t see a future with her. I also broke up with her one day on a whim after a silly argument we had. I think it comes down to my attachment style which I’ve been learning a lot more about lately (anxious-avoidant). So I would continue to find little things that would bug me about her and wouldn’t allow me to be intimate and accepting of her completely. I also think about whether I made the wrong decision and especially with the small amount of friends I have here in LA and how rare it is to meet new people, let alone women. I often think about the future and the immense regret I might face. But I stop myself from running back to her because I’m much too afraid to hurt her again. I feel you so much man. It’s tough. Especially this being our first true relationship. And I’m 30 years old…If you want to chat, feel free anytime to send me a message. Take care ❤️


JamieMicheli

Yeah, that is a tough place to be in. I have been there and it is definitely not fun. I practice Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) along with meditative relaxation techniques. It does not make my thoughts go away, but it helps me defuse from them and recognize them for what they are - a story that I have created about myself. It has been shown that trying to not think of something makes us think of it more. So I try to accept the thought and understand that it is not real. Russ Harris has some good books on ACT. Here is one of the meditative videos I use on YouTube. Last of all, hang in there. You have a whole community of fellow podcast listeners rooting for you.


JamieMicheli

[10-Minute Meditation For Anxiety](https://youtube.com/watch?v=O-6f5wQXSu8&feature=share)


peaeyeparker

Here is what kills me about this post: “ …anxiety around sharing assets.” Deeply in love? This is not something that anyone should worry about.