By - daisygracey
True kinky people talk about their kinks with their partner before bringing it into the bedroom. If you don't consent and they do it anyway then they don't care about you and it will only get worse. The fact that he acted like you were making a big deal is a huge red flag. He needs to respect boundaries or you should just get the hell out of there.
This for sure. Kink is entirely about consent and you can’t give consent if you’re being blindsided by an act.
This is either a shitty, cop out way of excusing his own actions, or he has a poorly developed sense of what kink play actually is and actually means.
Either way, his response tells you everything you need to know - he hurt you unexpectedly and somehow made it your fault or your problem. Get out now.
Scrolled through the comment real quick to see if if what I had to say was already addressed but I havent seen anything similar.
I had a lover like this and it does NOT get better. Like you, everything was great until the first nonconsenting open handed slap right across my face. Like you, I was so shocked all I could do was cry and feel guilty for "ruining" his pleasure. He finished.
The second time was pretty much the same because I thought the first was a once off. Same thing second time around. Tears. Shame. Guilt. Oh by the way, this started AFTER I was thoroughly knocked the fuck up. He still finished
Third time it happened I was somewhat prepared for palm contact. Dont think this behavior from him won't change your desire and/or performance during sexy time. This time I tried to put my hand up to block the incoming slap and I ended up with a black eye for mother's day because I wasn't fast enough and got hit with his fingertips right in the corner of my eye.
Every time after that, he'd either get me pretzeled in a position I could barely move from OR simply hold my arms down at my sides before slapping me. I never got another black eye, he made sure of that... BUT...
Do you know how long it took me to realize that I was actually being raped by my partner?? Please don't end up in the position I did!!!! RUUUN!!!!
Omg, the last segment hit hard.
Rape is anything you don’t fully and willfully consent to and that includes sexual coercion. My ex would emotionally blackmail me to have sex with him. It worked for normal sex but drew dead when he tried that shit with anal. When the manipulation didn’t work he tried to force his dick in my bum. I just cried and clenched for dear life then he said “I don’t even wanna do it now cause you make it seem like I’m rapping you or something.” I even told him I didn’t wanna have anal ever.
I might be called a crybaby but reading this made me cry.
He had no business hurting you.
I hope you're ok now.
I'm just compelled to comment and say how sorry I am that a man treated you this way. Relieved to read you're no longer there. I hope things are better.
Not sure but guessing they are young. Sounds like he s watching some kind of abuse porn. And nobody has told him the truth about it yet
I was 28 the first time it happened. He was 10 years my senior. Definitely old enough to know better. 90% sure porn wasn't to blame in my situation. But do you ever REALLY know?
Sorry was referring to OP. Sorry that you had to go through that
If it wasn't discussed prior, it doesn't qualify as kink at all. OP didn't give him consent to hit, so it wasn't "being kinky" at all. It's abuse.
He already disrespected her by slapping her without asking. She needs to leave period.
You don't just hit someone during sex without talking about it first. Even if he did it without bad intentions, being *this* clueless about consent is really scary.
I doubt he is this clueless. Not to assume the worst, but hitting her and then saying "oh, I was just beeing kinky" sounds like a half-assed lie at best.
I’m a sex educator and sadly, you’re incorrect. Most men learn from porn and it doesn’t show any of the preparation of both people agreeing ahead of time and being well-prepared for what kind of sex acts, kinks, positions, etc. they are willing to do together.
Most men are completely clueless and wildly underprepared/I equipped when it comes to sex and consent. The top comment is spot on, this guy had no idea that you have to ask if the other person is into x, y, or z instead of you randomly trying something that could be traumatizing for the other person and/or constitute sexual or physical assault.
Just to be absolutely comprehensive: Most women don't know, either.
This is a general immaturity thing, and while it definitely exhibits very often in men — I'd assume partly because we so often play the dominant role — it isn't a uniquely gendered behaviour. It is not rare for women to be totally clueless about consent, as a thousand threads on r/sex have shown before.
You’re not wrong, but studies have shown that most women have a much better grasp on consent than most men do, and as you said, that is much more so the case with teens and young men.
Kinky without consent is just abuse
This. But the real red flag is how he tried to brush off your feelings about it. Anyone can make a mistake, but he ought to have been mortified about how upset he made you.
Also: you have absolutely zero reason to feel guilty about anything. There is no such thing as "too vanilla" - what you're comfortable with is entirely up to you.
Yeaahh, this worries me the most aswell. Not checking in on her. Asking her if she's okay. But actually shaming her
As a reminder to everyone. Vanilla is some peoples favorite flavor.
A lot of people are saying it’s abuse if you don’t get explicit consent beforehand. In my experience, sometimes either partner can get inspired in the moment and try something — and I think that can be OK, even if the other person didn’t like it, *as long as you check in*. This guy is being abusive not just because he tried out a slap, but because he didn’t care how the OP felt about it and is trying to bully her into accepting something he likes that she doesn’t like. Leaving the sex aside, he’s just being a plain shitty partner for not caring that he hurt her feelings.
You have to have a negotiated dynamic to "try things" like face slapping. Randomly hitting someone isn't ok even in kink.
You're kinda wrong. She has to say okay. Now I'm sorry that isn't spontaneous or "romantic" or whatever....
But you probably should consider their feelings and at least know that hitting someone randomly isn't the same as kissing their ear for the first time or trying to give them a back rub unexpectedly....
You don't just start boxing someone without their consent because that's just assault, and I don't know why people can't apply that logic to sex.
Lol, you've given me a vision of Mike Tyson just posting someone who flies across the room. And then being surprised the other guy didn't know they were sparring.
Check out the show Mike Tyson Mysteries. In one episode, he punches chess grandmaster Garry Kasparov because he mistakenly thought he was a KKK Grand Wizard, not a chess grandmaster lol.
I love that show!
>Mike Tyson Mysteries
OMG I forgot all about this!
That's literally what nonconsensual sex feels like tho. Because if Mike Tyson started beating up a guy that guy can't easily get away and would be terrified. He just came to Starbucks to get a coffee and all the sudden he's flying across the room and his nose is broken.
She just wanted fun consensual sex and all the sudden she's in pain and can't make him stop.
Because their understanding of what sex is comes from porn. A lot of people don't understand that's not reality and that the things you see there were agreed to off camera beforehand.
LMAOOOOO, Now I'm just picturing Mike Tyson just giving a right hook to his wife in bed
In fairness, she bit his ear.
My wife and I were having sex and I wanted to slap her. This is how the conversation went.
Me: can I slap you?
Wife: yeah... I don't know if I'll like it but try it
Me: *slaps wife*
Wife: yeah... I don't think I like it
Me: okay babe *fucking continues*
Is it really so hard for people to ask and listen?
Thank you! My FWB and I established what we are okay with and what's a hard no from the start. Even with that knowledge, yesterday he stopped to double check and make sure I'd be okay with it and then demonstrated how hard he was going to he doing it. Once he established I was good we proceeded. Then after the fact he checked in with me and made sure I was okay with what happened. I don't understand why its such h a difficult concept to just ask. People kind of suck sometimes. You, however, get a gold medal for having a fucking brain. 🏅🏅
I read this instead of the fucking continues as you fucking continued slapping her
Thank god I'm not alone lol
"Continues slapping the shit out of her while fucking" lmao
E. Honda'ed the fuck out of that lady.
>I read this instead of the fucking continues as you fucking continued slapping her
It doesn’t even have to be a hard yes/no! There’s in between and room for grey. I’ve been super hesitant about spit/bodily fluids in general during sex, but my wife finds stuff like spitting in my mouth super hot and so I want to try it more for her and because I like it in theory but my lizard brain freaks out about body fluids. Thus we take it slow and check in a lot when we do that kind of play.
You really should have given her the chance to slap you back.
You discuss this stuff ahead of time. Even a quick "Hey, I'd love to try _____ in the bedroom." And they will either be down with it, not interested, or open to trying it (with time/more discussion).
Anyone who thinks their mature enough to have sex, needs to be mature enough to talk about it.
This is literally the only correct answer.
With ANY partner you ever have, there should *always* be a discussion about boundaries and likes/dislikes. No one should *ever* hit you, hurt you, or do anything else to you without your consent.
Edit- Also, if the person you’re wanting to have this conversation with is too immature to discuss these things then they’re not ready to have sex. Don’t sleep with anyone who can’t have adult conversations.
This 👆... Thank you very much for this comment. It would help me : if only I knew it earlier.
That’s a middle finger emoji
This, nothing but this! You don’t try to get kinky in the middle of sex, you discuss those things you want to try prior with your partner so they are prepared!
To highlight this - which spells it out plainly. If your boyfriend is comfortable open-handed slapping you mid-sex without discussion/consent - because he thinks it's "kinky" - what else would he do without discussion consent?
I'm not a huge fan of the 'end it' advise that permeates so much - but this is absolutely an 'end it' scenario.
Have a discussion, let him know what he did was wrong and why. And then leave him. What if he decides next time choking is just being kinky? Anal w/o any prep? You start with a blindfold and end up cuffed to the bed? Would you trust him in that scenario?
He may not be the scum of the world, and may genuinely think he was just being kinky and that there was nothing wrong with what he did. But he's also not going to learn quickly, and you shouldn't have to put yourself in a dangerous position while waiting to see if he eventually respects you.
yep this, anything considered a kink or unconventional in the bedroom should be discussed and consented to ahead of time
There's another, also relevant, word for sexual stuff without consent.
Just to elaborate - even kinkiness requires your consent as you need to be comfortable with it.
He has tried it once and you were taken by surprise. You now need to have a conversation with him on whether you are willing to tey this again or you find it unacceptable.
If he tries it again after you have said no, then it jeopardizes your relationship because it breaks trust.
Consent always even for vanilla. Don’t worry about being vanilla either if that’s what you like. There is an unrealistic expectation that we all have sex like in porn. We don’t.
Actually, slapping you in the bedroom is no different to hitting you during any other time if you don't discuss it first and consent to it.
This exactly. It's not acceptable for him to slap or hit you unless you've given explicit permission for him to do so. That's what a lot of people who pick up these actions from porn don't understand.
Kink is awesome and a lot of fun, but a discussion about what your hard limits (things you don't want to do under any circumstances) and soft limits (things you are apprehensive about trying, but might be willing to try under the right circumstances) is absolutely vital *before* play happens.
And you should also have a safe word that can be used to stop play immediately if things go too far -- even if only things that you've already agreed too have happened. As soon as the safe word is said (which can just be stop, if that's what you want), all play ceases and your partner checks in on you (or you check in on your partner, if they used the safeword).
Also, just because you don't want to be slapped, doesn't mean you're vanilla at all. It just means you don't like being slapped. You can enjoy quite a lot of kink without being slapped (or choked, for that matter).
This, but also there's nothing wrong with being vanilla either. Not everybody is kinky, and worrying about not being kinky enough shouldn't even be a thing. It's just a different flavor of sexual preference.
I wish I could upvote this twice. You're absolutely right that there is nothing wrong with being vanilla, and people shouldn't be shamed just because they aren't into kink.
And being open about your sexual preferences before you ever get to the bedroom can help ensure you find a compatible partner to explore what does interest you.
Neither a Kink Shamer nor a Vanilla Shamer be.
Vanilla is literally my favorite ice cream. Not everyone wants rocky road.
Right? I consider myself kinky, but I don't want to be actually hurt, nor do I want to be with someone who wants to hurt me.
As a guy I like the fact that you say “ I don’t want to be with someone who wants to hurt me “
Whilst it might seem like an obvious , too many argue for the abuser . This guy was totally in the wrong .
As “ inflatable fish “ and others have said the second issue is his dismissal of his actions
Feel free to Google consent laws and print it out for him .
At the very least he should start with an unreserved apology .
I'm kinky AF most of the time. I even enjoy spanking and stuff. But slapping is a step too far for me,
I personally hate being slapped in the face more than a light tap. It’s just too dangerous to me. Same issue I have with choking. I like it in moderation but it’s crazy dangerous.
This this this!! He wasn’t being kinky, he did something without consent and that is always assault.
I agree with what everyone else said about kink and consent.
But also: If someone you trust and care about told you that you hurt them, and you were surprised to hear it, what would you do? I would apologize immediately and profusely! I don't like hurting people I care about, whether I thought what I was doing at the time was hurtful or not! Do you want to be with someone who seems to not have that reaction??
Husband and I are kinky but a) I’m not a sub and b) I never want to be hit. Just yesterday, I was telling him that I think a generation of young men have been raised by porn to think all women are inherently submissive and that hitting, hair pulling, and choking are as standard as oral. And…it isn’t. Everyone has the right not to be hit in any context and everyone has the right to consent.
Dangers of porn. People who never had sex before thinking its normal to slap people because they saw it on porn.
Yeah. He probably thinks that's what people do when they have sex, because his sex ed consists of porn.
Specially because he seems to have no remorse even when confronted with it.
No please don’t lump us in there. As a 24 year old virgin dude who certainly watches enough porn for his neighborhood I even know this is absolutely unacceptable behavior and is straight up abuse.
I’m 21 and watch frankly way too much porn and I 100% know the difference between porn and reality.
Yeah, op didn’t list their ages so I assume they’re both young like 16-18 years old. I’ve been watching porn since I was 16 I think, and I just don’t really understand how people think porn is anything like real sex and that trying to imitate things going on in porn videos without consent is anything but dumb and possibly dangerous. Even adults still can’t differentiate between porn and real life sex which is kinda weird to me lol.
Think he needs to lay off pornhub and learn what consent is...you're dating an idiot.
Was about to make the same comment when I saw yours. That's exactly where this is coming from. I can't fathom how people don't understand porn is not real life.
> you’re dating an idiot.
I think you misspelled “abuser”.
He may be stupid also, but being stupid isn’t an excuse for assault.
That is abuse. He didn't ask for consent beforehand.
Explain to him what he did was wrong and all kinks should be discussed first.
Kink isn’t something that should be incorporated without prior discussion and consent. Ever.
I’m kinky, but if someone slapped me unexpectedly, things would stop immediately. Being kinky also doesn’t mean being open to every possible scenario. Like I enjoy physical pain, I usually encourage my partners to go a little further when it comes to inflicting pain, but I don’t actually enjoy being slapped in the face.
You need to sit down and have a conversation about your personal boundaries and what is and isn’t okay. If you don’t know what that is for you, find something you want to try and agree on some ground rules and explore slowly.
This! Yes. Kink/preferences/boundaries need to be discussed. If you're unable to communicate with your partner, then you need to reassess your situation.
I would also have stopped immediately if something happened unexpectedly, especially something that was an intentional action like slapping you in the face. You were protecting yourself and trying to regain your agency and boundaries.
My partner and myself have incredibly similar wants and kinks. But we definitely have the conversations about what we want from each other, and about boundaries. And then when we're in the middle of something, we will still pause to ask and hear that yes or no.
Especially if it's something new to the two of you, it needs to be discussed beforehand when you're outside of the bedroom, and then you need active consent in the moment.
He was absolutely in the wrong. For many reasons.
Look after yourself and protect yourself.
Edit: learned how to separate my post into paragraphs.
If a 25 year old is dating a teenager instead of people their own age there is a reason for it.
He just showed you the reason.
Exactly. He wants control and no one to check him
There is a difference between kink and abuse.
Kink requires consent, and after care.
Abuse is what your boyfriend did.
And communication! Tbh, and this may sound weird, the enhanced communication is my favorite part of having sex with kinky folks.
What everyone enjoys and doesn't, clear, specific ways to communicate (safe words and more), what you're hoping to get out of a specific scene, all of that should be discussed in advance.
OP: you are 110% justified to be pissed. In the right context, I absolutely would enjoy being slapped, and yet in your shoes I would be furious and would consider this a potentially relationship ending event.
> I know that slapping in the bedroom is different than if he hit me in another context, but for some reason it really hurt my feelings.
He didn't ask for consent. You're feelings are valid. I felt the same way when it happened to me with someone who knew and trust to introduce me into exploring kinks. They knew in a broad and general sense what I was into but slapped and choked (resulting in a minor injury) me without ever talking about it first, without having practiced it first, without having a safe word/action set in place, without discussing after care, without asking permission to, without giving me a heads up to prepare myself, and worst of all never asking if I even wanted that. I entrusted someone to teach me but didn't realize until afterwards that that's not what I should've done and they knew that I didnt know any better.
Your bf was not
>just being 'kinky'.
Kink goes both ways. If not than its literal abuse. Now, im not telling you ur bfs abusive but just know there are places where bdsm is illegal (or close to) for reasonings related to bc you cannot consent to someone inflicting pain onto yourself & bc of concerns with how easier it becomes when normalized for an outsider to over look/misjudge/not recognize legitimate spousal abuse, and for the victim themselves to be unable to determine if they are one bc of the leeway it gives to those who are ignorant and irresponsible and so they wind up yet being let off the hook when in reality they *are* displaying signs that align with the abuse of power, control, and
>also a bit guilty, because I'm worried that I'll always be too 'vanilla'
abuse of (your) emotions.
This is one thing that's becoming normalized in wrong way. My advice, know what you want and allow only that. Talk consent and boundaries (which is the first thing one should imo & theres plenty of great resources to be found) Communicate your thoughts and feelings, negative and positive. Start with letting him know you need to talk about it again, may even let him know that you went looking for advice bc how you still felt and that *this is what you've concluded (+how/if you want to proceed with kinks).*
Since this is the topic, I'm going to try to find and then link a master list of kink/fetish/consent/interest level/communication worksheets
“It was only with an open hand”…
what is going on with this generation?
Monkey imitates whatever he sees in porn.
First, do you like him, is he otherwise not abusive, and do you want to continue with him? If the answer is yes, then the problem you are having is poor sex education and poor communication.
You are in no way obligated to fix him. This is really his problem, and it is important to keep that in mind. Your participation should be voluntary because you believe it will be worth it, not mandatry because you are inexperienced and dont know what to expect.
"I really like being intimate with you, but what happened the other day is not ok with me. I am open to trying new things, but I need to discuss it first and make it clear what the boundaries are. I am learning how to do this stuff and I am here for me, not for you. If I dont feel safe, we wont be getting intimate, and right now, I dont feel safe."
might be an approach to consider.
He needs to be accepting of your limits and communicate with you. If you don't enjoy being slapped then he needs to respect that. Not everything from porn is going to be a turn on and he needs to understand.
That is just common assault. Protect yourself. Adults don't randomly hit other adults, any time, including sex, unless there has been a discussion first.
If he can't understand that, or you don't want to be randomly whacked, consider your future carefully. That's my advice.
You can't just decide to be 'kinky' without prior discussion. You need consent, you need to establish boundaries, agree on whether to use safe words, what they are. There is a lot that needs to be agreed on before anything happens. He just hit you. It is no different to if he hit you in any other circumstances. You did not consent to being hit. He assaulted you. I am very sorry that this happened to you. You should get as far away from this person as you can. Your feelings are absolutely valid.
He's simply crazy for doing this without discussing it at first place. You have TOTAL RIGHT to be upset about. If he's still ''indifferent'' about the lack of consent, break up with him.
Advice: get away from him. If he hits you and think it’s okay, and you are doubting yourself as what you’re comfortable with, it’ll just get worse. Ask yourself if you want to risk sinking into the blackhole of narcissistic and sadistic personality. Being vanilla is basically: constant missionary style, and ‘is it okay’. Most people don’t want to get slapped or spit on
If u google fbi report on sadistic sexual abuse, you might have to decide whether you’re getting the starter.
Most abuses start from him/her ‘being drunk’, ‘having sex’, ‘mad about’. Narcissistic usually blame ‘heat of the moment’.
I had ex that started with ‘sorry i was really stress’, then she got lazy after some time and just went ‘it’s just my crazy side’. It doesnt get better.
Imagine sipping milk and tasting sour, wise to continue?
\> I know that slapping in the bedroom is different than if he hit me in another context
Yes, it's sexual assault not just assault.
You need consent for everything in sex, why on earth would he believe that he doesn't need consent to pull out violence?
This is a perfect example of how porn changes culture. I started having sex in the '80s and you NEVER saw women being slapped, spit on, hair pulled, or men coming in their faces, or squirting (peeing during orgasm) unless you 'rented' (LOL) videos that were labelled BSMD or Waterplay. (Trust me, I used to work in a video store--remember Clerks?--ya, that was me) Now all that is mainstream. Men today seem to think that 95% of all women love all that during sex. The reality is some of us do; most of us don't. You will have to own, openly discuss, and set boundaries for what gets you off. And if any man won't respect that, walk away.
Consent is what would make it not assault.
yeah, it's absolutely not okay of him to do anything "kinky" without discussing it with you first. slapping you randomly during sex is no different than slapping you randomly in any other situation. you should tell him he seriously crossed a boundary and this should never happen again should he want to continue a relationship with you. if he does something like that again, leave him *immediately.* a person that continues breaking your boundaries after you've made it clear what your boundaries are is not safe to be around.
Any rough play or violence should be talked about before. And you can communicate about what you want, what they want, what you'd be willing to try, what you won't try, and all the variations of that. You also need to be able to say no/stop while actively in the situation, and be heard.
It was not okay for him to hit you. And you have every right to be upset about it, and to act the way you did, and to feel all the feelings you're having now. You got put in a situation that you weren't expecting, with someone that you trusted.
As to the 'vanilla' comment, there are so many different types of sexual/intimate relationships, and the sex/intimacy is so much better when you find someone who is on the same page as you.
Feeling too vanilla for him means that he's pushing your boundaries, and making you uncomfortable.
That is not okay. Not in a friendship, not in a partnership, and absolutely not in an intimate situation.
Probably worse actually since sex is a rather vulnerable situation, sometimes for both parties, but often at least one.
You did very good to go away.
(1) There is no such thing as a free kink pass to slap someone or to use any force against someone who has not consented to it. (2) His "ignorance" as to what he did wrong is also very concerning. Please, make no mistake about it, the way he is handling this is an effort to coerce you to accept something that was not acceptable. You don't want to be anywhere near someone who uses those tactics intentionally or otherwise. He is trying to make you feel guilty for what he did wrong, and that is disgusting.
DO NOT LET ANYONE EVER MAKE YOU FEEL UNJUSTIFIED IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS! I think the only reason my wife and I have survived the many years of our sexual experiences, good and bad is because we talked about them and cared how the other felt about it. If he cares about you the least amount he will listen and understand, and if not kick him to the curb because there are plenty that will.
>I'm worried that I'll always be too 'vanilla' to enjoy that kind of thing.
Nothing wrong with not wanting to be abused. Difference between abuse and kinky is consent. You two need to work on communication. Use this as an opportunity to learn how to set boundaries and increase communication. If either of you want to do something new, talk about it beforehand. Also, there are online "tests" y'all could take and maybe pick one or two things you'd be willing to try. This way he's limited to that but you're trying something new (if you want). Best of luck and you were right to leave.
Op, I'm a 35 f, only had 3 sexual partners one was a 10 year long age gap of 16 years with my sons father. Non of my relationships ended on a positive note, though rx #3 is the only one I don't hate. My sons father put me and our chikd though a lot of neglect and abuse. I'm not very into kink at all. I'm pretty vanilla. And after years of abuse both as a child and an adult, that's not suprising at all that certain things ate a 100% no go.
Any partner who's worth a shit would have not shamed u over not wanting to be slapped and would have discussed the kink prior to trying it with u. That wasn't him being Kinky, that was him testing the Waters to see if ud let him off the hookgor abuse under the guise of kink. Look up tge rules for a healthy bsdm relationship. Rule #1 is consent, consent, consent. Rule #2 is 100% communication at all times. Did he do either? Nope. So was it kink? Not with out those 2 factors. Him shaming u is emotional abuse and manipulation btw.
Ur post has lots of frightening red flags with this human filth. Me, I'd nope out and run far and fast. I advise u do the same. I stuck with a man for ten years who had some similar behaviors in the beginning. I was 23, he was 39. I didn't see tge flags for what they were. I got pregnant, and he isolated and manipulated me. I had no way out for years and was broken at tge end in more ways than one. Worst part is I could handle the hurt he caused me and move on fully and heal. The harm he's caused my son, his son I can't.
Don't put urself in a position to end up repeating my past and walk away op. Please, for ur own sake leave and don't look back. U deserve better
I have never understood this action... its not flattering or a turn on, but yet Porn keeps promoting it. Unless Pain, Assault, Battery, and Abuse are your turn on's there is no place for it in the bedroom and it's never acceptable to hit anyone.
The fact that he didn't understand why you were upset by it is very alarming to me.
Let's say it was meant as a kinky slap. Now your partner tells you they were shocked by it. The first thing you'd do is apologize!
But he acted like you were the one who didn't understand it. He acts like it's on you. That's a very worrying sign of a lack of respect for you and your emotions.
Who tf cares if you come off as vanilla? You didn’t like it and that’s that. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries, kick him to the curb
It is wrong if you don't consent. He didn't ask, he just did. That's not kinky just abusive.
Kink always needs to be pre negotiated
Yeah, without consent it's straight up assault.
He should be apologetic and embarrassed for screwing up, or I would run for the hills. Stay away from angry or violent men, it always gets worse, never better.
You are justified. Look, you want what you want. Don't change that for someone else. Allowing things to please your mate is also fine, but you shouldn't feel like you have to unless it's turnabout.
Further, your idiot should know better than to introduce violence without warning. Like, this isn't the internet, where things are scripted ahead of time. If it wasn't discussed and you didn't know...
He's wrong for not discussing his desire ahead of time, in my opinion. I mean the slapping thing comes from a mental place. It should be discussed to see if you're both in the same place. Particularly because it's probably coming from a place of power, and you haven't said anything that makes me think you're into power exchange.
I like a little violence but my bf and I discussed our preferences at length. What your boyfriend did was being violent while intimate with you. That’s horrifying.
If your bf wants kinky sex... then he needs to negotiate consent parameters and have safe words decided ahead of time that he will unilaterally respect.
I’m not gonna say throw him to the curb though, because the truth is a LOT of people are sadly uneducated on consent especially in kink contexts and so I can’t tell if he’s being a psycho or just being a typical idiot.
You’ll know for certain from his reaction to you stating clearly in your own words: “I don’t think that will ever turn me on and I never want you to do that again without asking me and negotiating safe words with me first.” I hope he was just ignorant and not malicious.
I know he's your first boyfriend, so you're still learning what's normal in a loving relationship. This is not. Sure it could be a one off thing and a mistake, but it's much more likely that it could turn into physical violence when "he's had a bad day" or he was "stressed" or whatever else excuse he has. Why take the risk? Do what's best for you, end the relationship, and move on.
Sounds like he’s likely young and/ or watched a bit too much porn. Sounds like it’s worth sitting down and discussing boundaries, consent and likes/ dislikes. If he’s not willing to talk about sex then he’s not ready to have sex.
Additionally it’s ok for both of you to have desires or things that turn you on that your partner isn’t willing to do. It’s about talking and working out boundaries to find what works for both of you. If this isn’t possible then chances are you aren’t as sexually compatible as you may have originally thought.
It can be scary but it’s a necessary part of any healthy sexual relationship.
I think testing waters has its place (from what I’m seeing I’m sure many of you will disagree with me) I don’t think it’s wrong to try something new without asking every time. I really enjoy communication so I ask for almost everything new in the bedroom, but I end up just doing some things naturally due to me being used to them. So I personally can understand him trying to do it even if I wouldn’t, but what is not ok is brushing off your partners concern/correction. If a partner tells me “hey I didn’t like when you choked me” no matter how good I think I am at being “firm and gentle” or how much “I don’t notably restrict airway” I will apologize and either not do it again, or if I really really want it to be a part of things I will communicate how much I like it and ask what we can do or try moving forward. Genuine trust and care is so important when it comes to intercourse or even just relationships in general.
For context, where exactly did her slap you? Like across the face, or a smack on the butt? Somewhere else?
Across the face
😮😮 oh damn... That's definitely something that needs to be discussed in depth before it's done. Some people get off on it, and enjoy the pain and degradation, but for most that's a bit of a stretch and/or a hard no.
A girlfriend did this once to me during sex, I told her I didn't like it.
It happened again and I immediately stopped. I was clear that it wasn't acceptable, it made me deeply uncomfortable, and if it ever happened again I was gone.
The first boundary I set wasn't sufficient. The second one was to the extent it didn't happen again. Set clear, firm boundaries if you choose to keep going here and be prepared to follow through if he crosses them.
You can’t just try something “kinky” without discussing it and agreeing on it beforehand. Sounds like a fucking peanut brain to me.
He hit you without discussing it beforehand or getting your consent.
This is abuse. It's exactly the same as if he would have hit you in the middle of an argument.
There are plenty of people out there that WANT a vanilla relationship and could never imagine hitting their partner under any circumstance, even with explicit consent.
My girlfriend likes being slapped and degraded during sex. I didn't assume that she liked being slapped and degraded during sex, she talked to me and asked me to do it.
You can't just assume someone is okay with being slapped.
Would be different if he apologized and understood your feelings, but he didn't. You are valid and should have the right to be upset. I think you just need to sit down with him and let him know exactly how you felt about it.
Definitely let him know that you don’t like that. Anything of the sort should be discussed beforehand. I think your reaction is very valid. My reaction would have been the same
I'm very kinky, but if I get slapped in the face, ESPECIALLY WITHOUT WARNING OR MY CONSENT, I'd get up and leave. I don't need or want a partner who can't respect me enough to say "Hey I think slapping is hot, can we try it?"
I (M) wasn’t into any kind of hitting during sex until my current gf who told me she likes it. Not like a roundhouse hard as I can slap but in the moment, occasionally she likes to be slapped in the face and really anytime on her butt.
I was apprehensive at first but now I don’t mind doing it, and I joke that she’s turning me into an abusive monster.
I bet a girl’s told him she liked it, or he learned it from porn. Tell him you don’t like it if you don’t and he should stop. If he refuses to listen or pushes your boundaries, dump him
Me and my boyfriend will slap each other during at sex times. However, we talked about out kinks.
You have every reason to be upset. He did not discuss this with you nor did he ask for your permission to do this.
If your boyfriend cannot talk about sex nor understand why you are upset, he has zero business having sex.
Please do not feel bad for being upset. Your boyfriend is immature.
And just because your boyfriend has kinks or fantasies… this does not mean he can just do whatever he wants with you.
Your boyfriend is an abuser who is pretending to use kink on you when he should have discussed this. He's 25, hes more than old enough to know you dont do this without extensive discussion first, which means that what hes actually doing is testing to see how you take being hit and pretending its kink.
This is not about vanilla or kinky. This is a guy who's hiding behind kink to be abusive and seeing if you take it. Lose his number, tell him to stay tf away from you, if anyone you know knows him warn them about him irl.
That was completely non-consensual and you are well within your rights to feel violated by his response. Its not uncommon to enjoy giving/reciving pain like that slap, but it has to be wanted and consented by both sides. Otherwise lots of kinks are just straight up abuse.
Dump and run. Controlling power freak. It's also assault if you didn't ask. Doesn't matter when it happens. It's not a kink. Kink is used too much to excuse abuse.
RUN….. like if he slapped you on the ass during sex that would be different but on your face… that’s abuse.
Oh okay, I thought this wasnt a "HUGE" deal until I saw the age gap
Slapping/hitting, in the bedroom, is the same as being slapped/hit any other time or place. Violence is never okay. You did not consent to violence in the bedroom and therefore he assaulted you.
Here we have a story of porn making people think that it’s real life. Same thing with women going hard on dicks just because they have seen it in porn how aggressive some women are with BJ. I would talk to him and tell him that u didn’t like it and he should understand that.
Your bf sounds like an idiot. Without consent this is just assault. The problem lies not with you but with his warped sense of what is normal in the bedroom.
Communication is normal
Just slapping is not normal.
Consent consent consent. Otherwise he’s just being a douche baggerton McGee
Don’t even think that it was “only” with an open hand. A slap is a slap! If you didn’t ask for it or talked about these kinks, it’s a no go and a major red flag. What’s worse is the fact that he wasn’t understanding that should alarm bells ringing!
"I don't like it, don't do it again please. Next time you want to try something in the bedroom, run it by me first."
If he does it again, tell him to fuck off.
Edit: Just to be clear, you're justified in feeling upset about it. And if it's truly up to you how you want to proceed, and if you think your relationship can rebound from this. If it was traumatizing and trust breaking, and he doesn't understand the implications of what he did, or you don't feel safe with him anymore, walk away. If you want to chalk it up to inexperience, unhealthy expectations from porn, and for it to be a teaching moment, then do like what I suggested above.
> I called him the next day to explain to him that he scared and upset me, but he didn't seem to understand why I was so upset about it.
This guy has issues, he went way past normal behavior at this point in your relationship with no communication. Run away, he sounds like bad news.
My partner has ok’d slapping among other rough bedroom play, but when they feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed by any of the actions we’ve already talked about, they tell me and then I stop until they tell me its okay again.
You’re right to be upset. He didnt talk to you about that when he should have. The conversation that needs to be had is about his communication and your boundaries. If you’re willing to work through this with him, I hope he listens, but I don’t think anyone knowing the information presented here would think you’re being unreasonable if you decided to leave him over this.
This should of been talked upon prior, especially in his part. If he continues to do things randomly on you I would leave as at that point it is abuse.
One other thing: vanilla is the subtlety that gives all other flavors something to aspire to. You need less of it to notice it than other spices. It's almost like we are programmed to look for it. It's the perfect small addition that makes ice cream seem more creamy, and doesn't get in the way of other flavors.
Things like this you should always talk about first
Kink always needs to be discussed and cleared beforehand. And it's perfectly fine to not be into all kinks. Not everyone wants to be smacked. If I did that to my wife without consent she'd probably divorce me.
You and your partner may not be compatible. That's a separate conversation. For now the conversation needs to be on consent and the fact that anything like that needs to be discussed and approved beforehand.
In all honesty, he should've communicated beforehand ( as I do as a guy) before engaging in any pain-inflicting motions. If you do not like it, you should communicate that.
Maybe you should consider a new boyfriend if he does it again after you very clearly communicate your feelings.
Watching too much porn
Next time he may chok you while handcuffing you
Your feelings are valid and when you tell him that it's upset you or hurt you and he still don't acknowledge your feelings then it's big red flag, when you love someone you don't hurt them and even if you do unintentionally you apologize which he didn't so upto you what to do next.
That’s abuse. Any “kinky” or “rough” sexual acts need to be agreed upon ahead of time. I’m sorry he did that to you. I’d suggest leaving him.
You should not feel bad at all, that’s ridiculous. Everything during sex is discussed beforehand, so that you know it’s coming. How is an open hand slap different than him out of nowhere grabbing your neck and choking you?
It sounds like he’s gaslighting you into feeling like YOU’RE the weird one.
Nope. He's gotta ask for consent before he does anything "kinky". Thats the first rule of messing with that shit. And if he doesn't understand that, he's too immature for sex. Explain that to him, and if he doesn't get it, leave.
Kinks require prior authorization. You said he was your first, are you his first? If you're both young and inexperienced, it can be forgiven. Young people often don't know much about kinks and prior consent, open communication, etc. If he's never done it before, it most certainly could be a heat of the moment thing, especially if he just discovered himself that he enjoys that kink. This incident requires clear, open, and honest conversation. It can be something you get through. But it also might be a lesson learned that he's not into kinking properly. If the latter is the case, then move on from him because that won't change. If it's the former, in that youthful inexperience lead to this, then you can work it out. Good luck.
You have every right to feel upset and scared.
He hit you which is abuse even during sex. He didn't ask you for consent. It's so important to talk about everything you like, don't like or wanna try.
The fact that he doesn't see the problem with what he did makes me really worried about you. I hope that was only a one time thing, otherwise I would leave him. You have a good reason to be upset and he doesn't understand it. Consent is really easy to understand so he probably just doesn't want to see your point.
What would you be thinking and feeling if he had just randomly slapped you at any other time?
Your first instincts are right.
If the choice is getting abused and being vanilla, sign me up for Vanilla every damn time.
This guy has bad vibes. You need consent and to discuss kinks to make sure your partner is okay with it. Even if somehow he got that wrongful impression, he should be more remorseful and concerned that he read the situation wrong instead of gaslighting you into thinking you're the one whose weird
Do not feel guilty. I repeat: DO. NOT. FEEL. GUILTY.
Yes, you are right that slapping in the bedroom is different - SOMETIMES. It depends entirely on the context and in a sexual setting, it is VITAL to set up the context BEFORE anything happens to discuss boundaries; not everyone likes this kind of sexual act; my wife hates it and, while I admit that I am interested to try it, we discussed it and she told me it's an absolute no for her so guess what? I do not try it. First red flag - your boyfriend tried that with you before talking with you first.
Second red flag: after you told him how you feel, he waved it away with "I'm just being kinky". Maybe he was, but you didn't enjoy it and if he's a worthy partner he will take your feelings seriously. Him attempting to disregard your concerns is strike 2.
Don't let there be a strike 3: tell him you clearly want different things and since he's not willing to take your concerns seriously, you are going to part ways. Find a partner who will at least take your feelings into account.
Being "kinky" without consent is abuse. If he can't understand then that's scary
If you want to add kinks to your relationship, especially kinks like this then there needs to be a clear understanding before anything happens sexually.
Safe words need to be agreed, boundaries set etc.
I would say he has probably been watching a bit too much porn and decided to try without consent which is abuse.
Try sitting him down, discuss your feelings and why it upset you. Ask him to be open and honest with what he likes, what he would like to try and then both of you need to agree.
Don't let him push you into something you don't feel comfortable doing
Yikes. I would end it with him immediately.
I understand that sometime things in bed can get spontaneous however these kind of kink has to be talked about and consented to before being done or at least be comforting if it is spontaneous and your partner feels uncomfortable from it.
If you think you're too vanilla that can be solved by trying new things however it shouldn't be on the cost of you being uncomfortable or hurt.
You can try new stuff in the bed on your own pace. you don't have to feel guilty about it because such acts needs to be talked about before its done.
so please talk to your boyfriend and make him understand that you understand his kink but since the play happened unannounced and that you weren't prepared for it and it ended up being uncomfortable for you and that the next time lets discuss what all should we do in the bed but here's how I wanna go about the intensity of it.
maybe a more detailed communication will help him see how the kink was uncomfortable for you.
Thank you for sharing OP, but I’m sorry this happened to you.
TLDR; he a chump.
Yeah.. that’ll be a “hell no” from Me, dawg. Echoing what others have said, that’s just abuse. Beyond that, he gaslights you(it sounds like), to believe that this is normal and that you’re just being a vanilla person. This is how a cycle of abuse can potentially start; and become even wilder. I know of similar people, that had two relationships that were just like this, and it wasn’t until the third, that they realized that huh.. I’m not supposed to be scared or frightened out of my mind during this.
From this post, red flags galore. Try and talk it out with him, hoping he listens and understands after some time without you. If not, maybe even more time away is called for..
Yea if he slapped you without consent, that can be seen as abuse. And then him not accepting how you felt about it is a HUGE red flag. Regardless of how vanilla or kinky you are you should check out r/bdsmadvice. They talk a lot about consent when it comes to kinky acts. Try to remember SSC (Safe, Sane, Consent) when it comes to anything sexual. All 3 need to be present when engaging in anything sexual
This is something that should have been discussed and consent should have been given prior. BDSM without consent is just abuse. My partner and I have regular check ins every few months to go over what we’re cool with, what’s been good, and what we could pass on. Even though he knows he has my explicit consent to do things because we discuss it outside of a sexual context, he still also always checks in to get consent immediately before trying something for the first time.
You have every right to feel the way you are. If your partner wants to get kinky with you, he needs to speak to you about what he wants and get your consent beforehand. You need to be able to say no if you’re not comfortable with things, and he needs to be giving you aftercare as well
You don't hit someone *"to be kinky"* without discussing it before hand. Otherwise it's assault.
Unless he has your consent, it is still abuse no matter where or when he hits you.
It’s a kink and fun if both parties have consented to that being part of the experience. If not, then it’s assault and if he doesn’t see that and understand your feelings then that’s a 🚩
Consent goes along ways. You didn't do anything wrong and just because you don't wanna be assaulted doesn't mean ur too vanilla.
You did the right thing. If he cared about for you he wouldn't care about he was just being kinky. He should've felt guilty about him making you feel unsafe
You have every right to be upset. Your BF needs to learn that the shit he watches in porn should only be re-enacted during intimacy after an open discussion with you in which you consent to trying things out and that you need to consent again before engaging in the act. Anything else is unacceptable.
He didn't have your consent. That's not "just being kinky". He is likely pushing to see what he can get away with. Put your foot down and let him know under no circumstances can he do that ever again. That is if you even want to stay with him.
I think you already know the answer here.
If the person you're intimately involved with does not empathize with your point of view and how their actions impacted you, then you are involved with the WRONG intimate partner.
**Do not allow unacceptable behavior from any partner.**
He watches lots of porn
kink without consent is abuse. everything in bdsm should be discussed and agreed to. there should be safewords and hard limits respected.
you’re not vanilla for not liking being slapped with no discussion or consent and there’s nothing wrong with vanilla anyway
As mentioned by others this is abusive behavior not kinky behavior at all. A few of the issues here:
* Kink such as impact play requires informed consent. There was no consent here.
* For people who engage in the kink of impact play there is a big difference between being slapped when you are expecting it and an unexpected slap. Additionally people who like impact make it clear where they can be hit. And such scenes have a clear beginning and an end. Few impact players would agree to unexpected blows on any random part of their body at any time. That is clearly abuse, not acceptable behavior at all.
* By not acknowledging his mistake and apologizing and rather making you the wrong one here..name calling you "too vanilla", is super clear red flag that this is abuser. Even if this was an attempt to spice things up any kind of caring responsible person would note the fact you didnt enjoy it and make a real and honest apology. In trying to dismiss your hurt he makes it very very clear that this dude is an abuser. Sex and kink are things that are done for enjoyment of both parties. In dismissing your hurt and surprise he makes it clear that he thinks only his feelings matter. This is an abuser using kink as an excuse for bad behavior.
Next steps. This shouldn't be a secret that you keep. This dude may be danger to anyone else he connects with and may continue to be a danger to you even after you end the relationship with him.
This is one you may need the support of your family and friends on. I would suggest telling people in your community that he hit you. That will be embarrassing. I understand the reluctance to do that but abusers thrive on darkness and lack of knowledge. They will use every opportunity to confuse things and blame others. By not doing a name and shame here it makes it easier for him to make up a story about this that blames you. Given the opportunity he will.
This sounds like abuse and you have every right to be upset if you didn't give the ok before the slap. If he doesn't understand/take responsibility for his actions, you should consider leaving. I know that is easier said than done but you want to consider leaving before it gets worse.
He should have not done that without your prior consent. Just because he enjoys it as kinky doesn't give him consent to put that onto you. wtf?!
I think it's an understandable thing to try out, but if you didn't like it and he's not even saying sorry after you brought it up that's a red flag.
I'm glad you left his house and then spoke up about the situation the next day. You handled yourself beautifully. Your boyfriend, unfortunately, did not. He did something unacceptable and, when given the chance to apologize and learn from it, he dismissed your feelings.
Considering this is your first boyfriend and how young you are, I don't think it's worth trying to get through to him and try to work it out. I suggest walking away from this guy.
It's only kinky if both parties are aware its going to happen/consent to it/have rules and limits set up.
Otherwise, its abuse and you should break up with him immediately. His dismissive behavior is a red flag.
Top comment says it all. **CONSENT** is critical. You didn't give consent. He wasn't being kinky, he was being **ABUSIVE**. And the fact that he *gaslit* you after (another great vocabulary word) - is disgusting.
I'm assuming you are both quite young, so maybe he can be redeemed, but it's going to take a 100% dramatic turn-around for him to do so.
Advice? - Leave. Don't look back. Encourage him to study up on consent, then he can find a new girlfriend after that.
Good luck to you I hope you remain safe and I sincerely hope that that boy/man learns about consent *real quick*.
Many people have a kink for slapping, even on the face, and that's okay. But he should've asked before, kinks are something to discuss, even if they are very common.
Also, he could have done it in the passion of the moment, but he should've apologised to you as soon as you said that you were upset by that.
You’ve gotten all the good advice. He fucked up. It’s him not you.
But I wanted to add also:
I’m not vanilla at all but would absolutely not do slapping. Don’t feel guilty in any any any form!
Don’t put up with this from him or anyone else. What he did is assault, not kink. There’s nothing wrong with you (for liking vanilla sex), he’s the one who chose to slap you without asking if you’d enjoy it first. He’s the one being the asshole here.
Next time you do the same, not to his face but his balls.
That's still assault. You don't just slap someone without their consent, bedroom or not.
If you want to keep talking to this guy and he acts like he doesn't understand, ask him how he'd feel if you'd thrown on a strap-on and penetrated him without him expecting it, because that's kinky too.
I've been involved in kink for decades and I would be pissed if someone did that without my consent first, because it's absolutely if you aren't expecting it (or are at least aware it may have been and I've said you're okay with it) and haven't agreed on it.
And don't worry about being "too vanilla". It's perfectly fine to be and to never been into anything kinky (The sad thing is is a young woman you being be better off not being because there are so many guys who are predatory and use it as a way to pick up women or try to steamroll young girls into things they are comfortable with without consent).
It's also fine if you decide to explore what it later what you're comfortable with a person and discover if it's anything you want, but don't feel like you have to be kinky, probably, or whatever or do any kind of sexual acts you're not comfortable with just because it's expected.
It's the kind of things that need to be talked about before hand, slapping you without consent is abuse.
I think it comes down to this, your partner hit you and you drew a line, you don't like it your not sure if youll ever like it and that's ok you don't have too. But what we need to talk if your boyfriends dissmusel of your fear and trying to normalize his hitting of you 🚩🚩🚩, sure he can say it's kinky, and I know I like being thrown around but he didn't consult you before he did it. On top of that when he hit you, you stopped having sex and left, any respectful person woukd be more than apologetic about hurting you and realize they fucked up and be working to regain your trust and safety
THAT is what happens when boys learn about sex from porn & don’t have any context. I guarantee he saw that in a porn flick. And no one that raised him ever thought about telling him that non-consensual hitting is abuse, not kinky. And if you don’t enjoy it, then he he needs to stop. Period. I he WON’T - dump him, because if he gets away with that, he’ll keep going, and eventually it’ll not just be in the bedroom, or he’ll wind up choking you (because that’s a ‘kinky’ porn thing too) and you’ll have nowhere to run. Consent in sex is an absolute. Make him stop, of get out of that relationship.
Please don’t feel guilty. It’s absolutely okay to be vanilla and no one should feel pressured to enjoy being hit/choked/etc. in bed ever. Especially when he did it out of nowhere without prior discussion or consent. That’s not being kinky, as others have pointed out, kink without consent is abuse.
It is a kink but he should’ve never done so without talking to you first
I've seen this in some adult video clips. The girl gets slapped (not hard but hard enough) either in the face or on the breasts....personally, I don't get it, but apparently it's appealing to your boyfriend. But as someone else said "kink without consent is abuse". Some people use "safe words" when their limit has been reached. Don't worry about being vanilla.
Some people think slapping is vanilla because it's so common in porn.
But you're still supposed to discuss these things before hand. Some people don't want to be hit period. Or there's certain no go zones for hitting due to whatever reason.
Also, on top of what everyone says, even if you don’t discuss it before sex, you can always ask for consent or ask if this is ok during sex before you do a specific act
Sex ed really needs to be a universal thing, Jesus wept.