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Today I (29F) found out that my mom has been repeatedly raped at night by my dad for the last 30 years and my emotions are a mess.

Today I (29F) found out that my mom has been repeatedly raped at night by my dad for the last 30 years and my emotions are a mess.

pacertest1

oh I dont even know where to begin.. Firstly, Im so incredibly sorry for both you and your mom. I cant even imagine how to feels to find out after years with them. The culture aspect makes this much more difficult because it enforces many unwritten rules that may make her feel obligated to stay, I come from a very conservative asian family where if you divorce, you're automatically shunned, arranged marriages were how most my family got together anyways. Regarding what you said about your dad's love towards you, yes he may love you, but that shouldn't be reason for you to keep in the rage towards him. What he did was indeed despicable, and your mom does not deserve that pain. And to keep it in for years, I cant even comprehend how hard that is, she is so so strong. Let your rage flow freely, I find that allowing myself to indulge in my anger rather than holding it in, I can better come to terms with it. I held in all this resentment towards my dad for his sexual tendencies towards me in the past, but once I spoke about it and let myself be upset, it was somewhat freeing and validating. I hope you can find solace soon, and that your mother can find comfort someday. Good luck :) dm me if you need to talk


Lopsided-Emu_me

Oh I am furious. But it hurts even more that I can't turn off loving him despite what he did being atrocious and unforgivable. I want to fully 100% support my mom and hate this guy. But I still can't help loving him. It's terrible.


Livid_Habit_2746

In life you go through difficulties , there’s a thing where people say “Mature up” or “let it go” , anyone can be emotionally strong and mature but it’s down to you and your mindset, Many adults think they know everything yet absent to the mind a 5year old Syrian child watched his mum and sister get raped and shot in-front of him, that child will go through many developments of his life he will one day get over it but it will stay in his brain Regarding your case your 29 you still have a lot of life left , focus on your goals and aims, try any type reconciliations with your mom and dad , let your anger out and express your views. Bottling it up only will hurt you more


_kushagra

I am sorry I do not have a lot to say..it is just so hard to know all of this happened for 30 years..all your life and a mother going through this just for their kids, such is the motherly love... I know about the culture you speak of..and I think that culture and society and their expectations are to blame here which thinks getting hurt and degraded and losing yourself is better than divorce or saving yourself... Hate that culture.. It's not easy to stop loving a father you've loved for 29 years now..it'll take time..you'll need your time to think it through and really decide what is best. I just hope mom stays safe and healthy and doesn't ever have to go through with this any more..be there for her.. What I really wanted to say to you and anyone else who ever reads this was related to > What this post actually about? It's about me (yes, selfishly) To anyone that gets that feeling before posting here be assured you're not being selfish...this is a community of secondary survivors who have gone through stuff and have supported others going through stuff...who stay strong when helping others but when they are away you just break down and don't know what to do..you're not selfish you deserve care too and we all care for you..never feel selfish asking for help here ❤️


aj4ever

I just found your post after learning about all the fucked up things my father made my mother do after marriage. So much sexual and physical abuse, humiliation, and just really nasty things that no person should ever go through. Having a hard time coping as I have a good relationship with my dad.


Lopsided-Emu_me

I have no real answers. Some days, I speak to him normally ...and then remember all the things he did to my mom. Other days,. I hate him and just barely stand it when I have to interact with him. I'm not particularly close to my dad like you are, but we don't have a bad relationship. I know he loves me. Yesterday he got the pfizer vaccine and at first I was relieved and then I didn't know how to feel, because he's a horrible person. But I think in the end, I have to seperate my existence in his life from my mom. I can hate him for what he's done. and I can make it clear our relationship will never be the same and I stand by my mom. I can tell him I don't respect him anymore because of it. But I don't have to stop loving him fully. You don't just go from loving someone unconditionally to not loving them. That's why it's unconditional, I feel. Feel free to DM if you'd ever just like to chat about our mutual confused feelings over our dads. it's nice to have someone to talk to and it sounds like I'm just a couple weeks ahead of you in sorting out my emotions haha.


aj4ever

Can you DM me? I’ve been trying to DM from this phone from 2 days but it’s not working. There is SO much mixed emotion at play. I come from a big family so my sisters who also found out the truth are all processing it differently. Half of them are trying to separate like you mentioned and the other one is done with my father because there is no excusing what he’s done. I’m in the middle. I just don’t know what to feel or do. I don’t think I can compartmentalize because the polar opposites of who he is as a person is so extreme. On one end he’s the man who treated my mother like absolute worthless garbage & on the other end, he supported me through life and walked me down the aisle. My parents are immigrant parents so they both struggled to make ends meet for us kids. It’s all a clusterfuck. Also I’ll add that my dad doesn’t know yet that we know. It’s going to be such a mess when we break the news to him.


Asunder16

Wow that's savage. Apart from royalty and political maneovers, I will never understand arranged marriages, for reasons like this. Rape is grounds for divorce, but that's her call, ultimately.