By - Apprehensive-Aspect
>e been alot of opportunities for the both of us
I’ll be frank OP. You are lookin at this from the perspective of what YOU have lost from him turning down this opportunity. The thing is, it was his opportunity, not yours. You value the salary and the name prestige, he doesn’t. At least not enough to even consider the offer. So stop making this about you. If I had a job offer like that I wouldn’t hesitate to turn it down without talking to my husband, and I’d be confident that even if he were disappointed bc of the salary etc (which is fine and understandable) he would never expect me to work at a place I found morally abhorrent. And it’s not really your place to decide for him what he feels is morally abhorrent or not. So it’s fine y be disappointed and It’s fine to even tell your husband that...as long as you don’t make it his problem, because it’s not, it’s yours.
The particular institution, like others in that area, isn’t just marked by the name - it’s reflective of a whole culture of slavery apologia. Read up on the local culture and some of the incidents that have gone on near or on campus before judging. Your husband showed strength of character here, that’s worth being proud of.
>She has every right to be mad he didn’t discuss this with her before
How do you figure?
To me, that sounds ridiculous. "I should have discussed the fact that I'm not willing to do the wrong thing with my wife before I decided not to do the wrong thing."
I am sorry, but I don't agree with you. I would do the same as your husband. Sometimes morals matter more than money. I have no idea about the subject, but if he feels like working there it would be against his values, then I 100% support him.
I don't understand why he went on the interview to begin with. Did the institution change the name between the time he decided to interview and then turn it down?
Edit - not sure why can't reply to responses. Guess it doesn't matter since the original poster deleted their post ( what a surprise). I totally understand that people go on interviews in order to keep their skills honed, practice interviewing, Etc. I just think in this case, if that is what OP was doing and never had any intention of taking the job, then there was absolutely no reason to tell his wife he was offered a job at double his salary.
Curiosity? I've went to interviews I was absolutely sure I wouldn't accept, just to see.
I've gone to a few interviews for jobs I was fairly sure I wouldn't accept, and I'm glad I went because I was able to practice my interview skills
It keeps your skills sharp
The opportunity to interview at some places is rare. If he's interested in progressing his career, it makes sense to take the opportunity to practice his interview skills and become more comfortable with the process, even if he knows he won't accept.
I don't think you are being entirely ridiculous, it is valid opinion.
But your husband is not silly either, not at all and must be allowed to pick or refuse offers. He would be the one working in that institution, not you. You two are not struggling, so there is no reason to put his values on hold due to pay raise.
The same as you should be able to make similar decisions for yourself.
However, you two should talk about it all. About why he feels so strongly about the name etc. While I think he should absolutely be allowed to make that decision without being guilt tripped for it, dont let resentments build in you either and find a way to talk about it.
>He and I are very happy with where we are.
So it seems like your real issue is that he didn't discuss this with you. I agree that that's a huge issue. This was a big decision that affected your family and you deserved to at least be part of the discussion.
Maybe you can talk to him from that angle?
No, the real issue is the potential pay raise and upgrade of life style at the expense of the job satisfaction of OP's husband. If there is no substantial pay raise, OP wouldn't have objected to his decision.
Why is he supposed to discuss this with her? Unless he is unemployed and depending on her, this is 100% his career and decision. I cannot understand why OP is making a fuss about this
So, you're wrong. His salary affects the entire family. This is like making a *huge* purchase, *every year*, without consulting his wife.
You cannot be more wrong in your reading of this situation.
I hope this respons is a joke?! Your comparison makes absolutely no sense at all.
Is he unemployed? Is he suddenly a student again? Is he working minimum wage and can't contribute to the household? Then I see no reason why he needs to discuss crucial career paths, which he wouldn't take anyways, with his wife? Like what exactly is he supposed to discuss with her? He does not want the job.
You cannot make your partner take jobs or career ways he is repelled to. If my fiancee does not want to work at a certain place, I cannot force her and I don't expect her to consult me (really bad word choice to begin with). She is not a minor and I am not her dad.
This dudes right, I get why she’s upset but you have to be kidding thinking this guy is obligated to make career decisions due to objections from his wife.
It's a lifestyle change. It's the difference between living within your means and being comfortable. It's the difference between living in a small house or a large house. It's the difference between paying your child's college or them taking out loans.
If you still don't agree, that's fine. We're not sharing finances, and we're not sharing an opinion.
I'm sorry that marriage being a team sport is so out of the realm of understanding.
>You cannot make your partner take jobs or career ways he is repelled to
I am also sorry that you have had whatever experiences that lead you to believe that discussing something means one partner forcing the other to do something he is repelled by. Please, don't accept that in your life, but also don't assume that that's what everyone wants. That's not how healthy relationships work. Adults are capable of discussion, compromise, and supporting one another. No one needs to be forced to do anything.
Discuss Job > Wife gets mad at you for not taking job>Profit
That’s a possibility. It’s also a possibility that adults work together and respect each other.
So before deciding not to do the wrong thing, he should discuss it with his wife?
If the mob offered me a huge salary to run prostitutes across the border, I wouldn't discuss that with a partner before turning it down.
I know it's different magnitudes of wrong, but it's the same principle.
You're the one who needs to adjust their (frankly disgusting) viewpoint.
“it’s the same principle” is false because one is ....... illegal. and the other is legal. lmk if you can’t figure out which one is which
I understand his POV and I agree with him. It is not just the money and name recognition. If the said institute is associated with a racist tradition, then I can guess where most money is from, type of people work there and corporate culture there. Sorry, OP. You care about your potential increase of quality of life but money isn't everything. And please don't say you care about his career and resume.
I think you are mainly upset that he didn't even let you know when it was on the table. Even if the only logical answer from him was "no" because of the conflict in values, it would have said something about his respect for the relationship to be on the "team" making the decision, at least then you could be feeling proud that you were both sticking to your morals. Instead it seems like he didn't even give you a chance to stand with him on making such an important decision.
If you can couch it in this manner, that you wish you had the chance to be part of the discussion at least, maybe he will understand why this is affecting you so much - it's not about the money, its about feeling like you are both in it together, that you would have supported him if you'd been given the oppportunity to do so. Even if you had disagreed with his reasoning, if he had taken the time to include you, you would have respected him enough to let him make his own decisions. It hurts when someone you respect doesnt think you need to touch base over major decisions, even if it wouldn't have ultimately changed the outcome, it makes you wonder how much they really value your opinion.
Edit: Having said that, if he isn't a butthead he probably just didn't think it through; rather than it being some terrible sign about the health of the relationship.
Your husband has principles. Be happy.
Please. The institution clearly did not change its name during his application process. Thus, any reticence about the name expressed only after an offer as been made *is* "totally out of left field."
Unless they head hunted him and offered the job without him applying?
Sometime people take time to figure out what they want and why and this sounds to be one of these situation. He might not have first instinctive reaction be radical refusal. He could go on interview while having doubts and was still thinking it through. Only when he had offer he was forced to look into the institution and make final decision.
There is nothing shocking about making strong opinion only after you look into issue and are in situation where you have to decide.
I'm going to disagree with others here any say you're being unfair for sure.
Do I think he should of discussed it with you first? Probably, but if his mind was already made up on him not working there, and it seems he was very adamantly decided on it, it's unfair for you to try to force him into it. It's his career, it's his choice. You wouldn't want him telling you what career choices to make.
You should be a more supportive partner and instead of being mad about him turning it down, support his decision and help him build his career in ways that will make both of you happy.
Sounds like he did have a moral issue about the place. He didn't like what it represented.
It is completely valid to be upset it was so cut and dry for him because talking about if even if he was set on no would have involved you in the choice. And you could of gotten a better understanding of why it was such a big issue for him.
Don't let this fester and talk to him about it instead of just letting it build up. I would recommend focusing on the fact you want to be involved in major life choices and want to work as a team.
Hope that helped.
Is there more going on besides the name?
I live near Atlanta and you could probably find something Confederate in most of the families the schools and areas are named after. That said, at my daughter's school there's a little of everyone there and they aim for treating everyone as family.
On the other hand I could see not wanting to be involved with Oral Roberts or Bringham Young Universities.
I like your husband, he stands by his morals no matter the cost. I personally agree, I wouldn’t want to associate with an institution that has a name associated with something I strongly don’t believe in and it probably doesn’t stop at the name... it’s very possible some things in their system reflect that too.
Let me try this for you. If we were given a job offer from a company that had a long history of discriminating women or even harrassment would you be fine working with them even with higher salary? Even if you would, I wouldn't judge you, but your husband may not be fine mentally working for a firm that has history of slavery. He'd question himself and may perhaps not be able to put that into his resume if he ever leaves that school. There are many schools that would offer same salary without any history of slavery or Confederacy.
Not ridiculous--since your income is joint, these decisions should be made together. I wonder what your husband would say if you turned down a lucrative offer from thevTrump Foundation without discussing it with him.
But income isn't everything; being happy with your work and your workplace is worth a lot. Maybe you dodged a bullet here; a well-paid but cranky spouse is hard to live with.
I disagree, I have joint income with my spouse but that doesn’t extend to us making joint career decisions. If he was offered an opportunity like that I wouldn’t expect him to consult me first if he knew he would never work there in a million years.
These decisions definitely should not be made together if one part does not want to (minimum wage or even unemployment aside). How would you feel if your partner would make career decisions for you because he/she wants more money?
OPs partner did not see any ground for discussion because he obviously doesn't want to work there. So what exactly is he supposed to discuss with her?
A decision being made together doesn't mean that one person can force the other to do anything. It means discussion and consideration of the values of the other. It means, for example, them sitting down and him saying, "I want to reject it because of X" and her saying "I would like you to take it because of Y" and then, **as a team**, choosing a course of action and supporting the other spouse.
There is no 'team' here. I struggle to understand your point. This is really not a team decision.
The team is the husband and wife. Husband's pay directly affects the husband and wife team. A substantial change to that pay requires a discussion so all parties can be heard and feel comfortable and respected. Then the team moves forward, respecting one another.
When you're the kind of person who is motivated by morality, you see things a little differently.
No, making a team decision doesn't mean compromising moral values. Imagine the wife wants to hire a ~~slave~~ domestic help and the husband is morally appalled at such notion. There is no room for discussion, choosing a course of action or supporting the other spouse.
Working in an institute associated with a racist tradition and you can imagine what kind of the work culture and the type of people they have there.
He wouldn't want her to end up having to testify?
OP I think it's very respectable of you to wonder if you are being ridiculous. Many people act unreasonably and won't or can't question whether they're being unreasonable, which is a recipe for being an asshole.
In my opinion, yes, you're being unreasonable.
I wouldn't want my name anywhere near that institution.
Your husband did the right thing, and is clearly a very good man.
I'd halve my own salary to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to do the right thing, even if it means they miss opportunities or suffer financially.
It’s fair for you to talk to your husband about expectations around when and how you discuss job opportunities and offers. That sounds like a conversation worth having.
The framing might be different depending on whether you work outside the home as well or not. Honestly, you might have more reason to have an opinion on his career choices if he is the sole partner contributing to the household finances. If he’s the breadwinner, then his career decisions impact you strongly. If you both work outside the home, then maybe you both want the freedom at different times in your career to be idealistic about your choices, while occasionally the other person makes the more practical choice.
Do you work outside the home as well?
It is extremely rare to find someone unwilling to compromise themselves morally, even to a minor degree, for a large amount of money. Frankly, your husband is one hell of a person and you should be impressed at how easily he weathered the temptation.
You are being ridiculous for being annoyed.
Everybody has their own set of morals and standards. some people can overlook them, some people can’t. There are some things that are lines they will never cross.
You can’t tell your husband what his lines are. He would have live with himself working there everyday and it might tear him up inside.
Let this one go.
This is a moral discussion that probably should have been resolved while you were dating.
It’s understandable that you are annoyed but discussing ones work ethics is something you should have done and probably should do now.
At what cost is money important to you and important to him? It’s would be good if you talked this out.
Its not necessarily just a name. It does imply some values of the institution. If a school is named Martin Luther King College then would you assume nothing about the values of the institution?
He probably should have discussed it with his wife but I admire his convictions.
The truest demonstration of character is to resist temptation for the sake of your values.
Only when it’s meaningful.
Well it’s meaningful to him.
It isn't up to you to determine what is meaningful to others.