By - jimmyneeg
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TLDR: Girlfriend cheated while drunk. She called and told me in the morning. She’s a great person so I think it was a one time thing. I told her we can figure things out.
Background: Me (25m) her (29f) have been dating for about a year. The relationship has been perfect. We communicate everything, we get each other, and have so much fun. If we ever have a problem, we squash it right then and there. I’ve never been worried about her cheating on me. She says she has never in any past relationships. I’m currently in another state for work.
Incident: This morning she called and told me everything. Her and some coworkers went out for drinks and came back to one of their apartments to continue drinking. My girlfriend had a few too many and went to bed. One of the coworkers went to the room she was staying in and began talking to her. My girlfriend remembers making out with him and cuddling but her memory wasn’t very good due to the alcohol. She says that she doesn’t remember anything else happening and there are no signs of anything more. She went to bed with clothes on and woke up with the same clothes on. When she got back to her apartment this morning, she called said coworker and confirmed if what she remembers happened and nothing more. He confirmed making out, getting in bed and continuing to make out, cuddling, and him leaving because my girlfriend was intoxicated.
As of now we talked it out and are still communicating. I told her we would figure it out when I get home tomorrow night. She says she doesn’t know why she did it and has no feelings for this guy. I told her to cut off all communication with him, she obliged. She is remorseful and says she knows what consequences could come. I love this girl and see a future with her. This isn’t her and I think this is an isolated event. Am I taking this too light? I’m obviously hurt but feel respected because she told me as soon as she woke up. Idk I just want some advice and needed to tell it to someone. Really don’t want to talk to family/friends right now.
I'd focus on the "what happened" so it can frame the "why it happened." Pressing your GF for a recounting of events leading up to the bedroom scene is important, because him just happening to enter her bedroom alone without any sense of permission is either a half story or sexual abuse. So explore the familiarity they most likely have had. See if there are any correlations with when you have been away.
Then you can probe for the why. Having alcohol doesn't count. This can be painful, but it is suspicious. You've only known each other for a mere year and there are plenty of personal attributes on both of your parts awaiting to emerge and be tested. So far, she's flunked the loyalty test.
This is a good point. And given the other guy doesn’t sound like a total scumbag (realized she was drunk and didn’t take advantage.) it says to me there was a reason he went into that room alone with her. Seems likely there’s more to the story. Flirting at work, suggestive behavior. There’s something there, it didn’t just happen from nowhere.
Exactly. The wonders of alcohol 🥴🍻
Lowered inhibitions. Yes
The desire is still a necessity though.
Not really, especially when one person is half passed out in bed.
I've been dead drunk too my dude.
She knows she made out with him.
If she passed out and he had sex with her that's rape.
But that's not what happened
She knowingly made out with him.
Not necessarily... A few years ago I went out for a drink with a guy I had no sexual interest in (I had just been dumped so I was a mess of angry and sad) and the night didn't go as planned. I felt safe with that guy since he was in a relationship, I knew his girlfriend and he was a very good friend of my ex. He decided to stay longer than I expected and wound up spending the night clubbing with my friends and I (he was supposed to leave before dinner, but stayed until 4am I guess). On the way home he put his hands on me and tried to kiss me. My inebriated self let him do It for a few seconds but then I started trying to take his hands off me and to wrestle away from him, I was crying and I was scared (the longest 5 minutes of my life, since he wouldn't listen to my nos and was "kissing away" my tears). I had never flirted with him, I had never hinted that we could be anything more than friends and to this day a feel molested rather than "we drunkely made out". All of this just to say that maybe she didn't do anything to make him feel welcome to go to her bedroom, she actually realised she was drunk and went to a "safe space" removing herself from the others and he saw that as an occasion. The fact that he didn't rape her is just the bare minimum since he had already opened a closed door, seen a lying drunk girl and decided for whatever reasons to make out with her.
I've been drunk many many times and never once thought about cheating on my SO at the time.
You clearly haven’t been severely blacked out or on the verge of alcohol poisoning then.
Women are at a higher risk of becoming too intoxicated than men are. There is a level of drunk that just makes anything that happens to the person rape/sexual assault.
There’s no way to confirm that’s what happened here or not, but just saying “it’s never happened to me so it cannot exist” is so incredibly small minded.
That’s a bot account sharing a comment stolen from u/MAFFACistrue
That's a choice you make. I'm not saying that it isn't tape or that they aren't victims if they are blackout drunk, but if you are getting blackout drunk, that's on you. A simple solution is to not drink to the point of getting blackout drunk, simply by drinking a little less and spacing it out more, combined with some food and plenty of water. It's not hard. So if someone chooses to put themselves in a vulnerable position by choosing to get blackout drunk, I am a little less sympathetic in general. Yes, I will help them out and get them somewhere safe and out of that situation, but their lack of basic decision-making skills is frustrating, to say the least.
If we are dating, regardless of if something happens, I'm certainly not impressed with their behaviour or judgment.
Alcohol lowers your inhibitions which, surprise, includes wanting to drink more.
“All those silly women at frat parties, just make better decisions and you won’t be raped!” Yeah definitely a little less than sympathetic.
No shit sherlock. It still isn't difficult to not get blackout drunk if you don't have a problem with alcohol. You are still accountable for your behaviour when drunk both in a legal and moral sense. I'm not saying they are at fault for being raped. That's fucking reprehensible. They are accountable though for choosing to drink to the point that they blacked out if that occurs.
What I am saying is that if you choose to drink, drink past your limit to where you can't make responsible decisions, and continue to drink, then choose to put yourself in a vulnerable position repeatedly, I lose a lot of respect for your decision-making skills and I really don't feel as sympathetic for you as I would had you not made repeated avoidable terrible decisions. You don't deserve to have something bad happen to you, but you are accountable for the terrible choices you made repeatedly that put you in that situation. If you choose to get blackout drunk around skeevy people without anyone sober enough to look out for your best interest, you included, bad shit will happen. It sucks, but those are known facts. People get hurt, hurt others get killed, they cheat and ruin relationships, kill others, rape others, get raped, and so on in this state, and have done so for millennia.
So the logically responsible thing to do is to have a basic skill called self-control and cut yourself off. If you don't have that, you either should cut back on your exposure or try and find some way to mitigate the risk. But being the one who gets a blackout drunk isn't a good personality trait to have, nor is it cute. People suck, so don't get blackout drunk if you want to significantly lower the risk of this happening. Again, if you got blackout drunk and got raped, you aren't at fault for getting raped, but you are at fault for choosing to get blackout drunk and that's a really shitty choice to make, and incredibly avoidable.
I agree, it seems super strange that this happened even with her being intoxicated. I just don’t see how she would not instantly be like “get off of me I have a boyfriend” no matter how drunk? Idk. Seems kind of suspicious even if she came clean about the incident the next day. I would def probe a little more like why didn’t she immediately ask him to leave the room or why was he comfortable making a move on her but then deciding to leave cause she’s intoxicated?
That’s a bot account. Post stolen from u/DmikeBNS
Intoxicated people cannot consent. She was not in her right mind.
Someone stole half a comment from u/Cherkhasa, huh? Bad bot.
There are *so many* of these damn bots in this threads alone, it’s an infestation.
So this will sound random but part of my job is hiring volunteers. Part of that includes doing a background check. A criminal record doesn't automatically barr them from working with us, but its an issue that needs to be explained.
We need to know why it happened then, and why it won't happen again. Only when thats clear can we work with them.
Its the same here. You need to fully understand why she did it,and why it wont happen again. Right now the huge risk is that deep down she wanted to, and still wants to, and will do it again as soon as her inhibitions drop.
If her excuse is she got drunk and has no idea why she did it - thats not actually a great excuse. Shes gonna do it again next time shes drunk then?
Being drunk doesn’t make you cheat, kiss others or go cuddle with other men. 🤦🏻♀️
Facts! It’s just an excuse for doing what they wanted to do in the first place. Feel bad for OP she’s def pulling some emotional manipulation behind the scenes that we aren’t privy to
Not exactly. Alcohol lowers inhibitions which impacts your decision-making. Not every bad choice you made drunk is some secretly-harbored desire coming out.
Also let's be real - if she doesn't remember much, she's probably beyond the ability to consent.
She obviously wasn’t black out drunk if she remembers making out with him. So she was obviously present when it occurred lmao.
This isn't how black outs work. You can have partial memory and reacting/moving/interacting and still be black out drunk.
"alcohol-induced blackouts refer to “gaps” in a person’s memory for events that occurred while they were intoxicated."
"an alcohol-related blackout involves losing your memory while you’re still awake and conscious; you can be moving around, interacting with others, and seem fine to those around you."
This is a pretty ignorant statement. We know that us humans are still attracted to other people whilst in a relationship and we know that alcohol lowers inhibition and gets people to a point of being so drunk that they don’t even know and remember what they’re doing/have done.
I agree with the others on the facts that she’s not a mature enough person if she gets that drunk with the members of the opposite sex and sure maybe she was conscious enough to stop it but did it anyways, but we don’t know that.
In my experience, I was so drunk that I couldn't even stand properly.
This guy kissed me, I turned around, I didn't engaged with him.
And I blacked out after that.
He still kissed me again and touched my inappropriately.
I can't be blamed due to this?
She didn't GO cuddle this man. This man opened a closed door with a drunk girl behind it.
My philosophy is that you should never take back a cheater. Like why would you willingly subject yourself to the torture of constanly wondering if your SO was cheating on you at that moment. Even if she accepted her mistake, it doesn't mean that she was absolved of the deed. Moreover how can you trust her (like in my generalized opinion) that she's telling the truth and that they *just* kissed. She trampled quite a few boundaries imo.
You leave not because you can't forgive; you leave because you respect yourself.
It is FULLY and ALWAYS your responsibility. You are putting alcohol into your body, people really shouldn't be handling it so casually.
Exactly! I never understand that logic. It’s not the same as forgetting you’re on a diet; going for a greasy kebab on the way home when you’re trying to lose weight is understandable, forgetting/not caring about the most important person in our lives isn’t even on the same planet, let alone the same ball park, lol
Yeah it’s bull shit
The super fun thing is, I thought someone stole part of your comment! Turns out, no, you stole u/Cherkhasa's comment, and then someone else stole yours or theirs. Bots are just the dumbest.
How come they got all the likes and not me 😭😭😭
Because they wait a few hours and then put it under the top comment at the time, whereas you behaved like an actual human with your own opinion, and commented on the post directly. Apparently bot 1 waited 3 hours, bot 2 waited 6. It's a super dumb way to game some karma.
Ohhh that makes sense. So more likes means more karma? Interesting
Yeah, each upvote you get contributes to your overall "account score," in the form of karma. Downvotes do the same thing, in reverse. The point of bots, as I understand them, is to use them to get a bunch of karma on an account and then attempt to sell the account so that it can be used for advertising.
OP you seem like a very understanding person, so imagine this... reverse it all... you got drunk, you made out in a bed with coworker while your girl was out of town, you called the next day and told your girl no real sex occurred and it didn't mean anything. And all your own clothes were still on. All of hers were still on, too.
Then she says she forgives you, but she can't stay with you because she'll always wonder about that night. And points out that **sex can easily occur with a guy still wearing all HIS clothes — she's even given you a bj without removing any of your clothes, or any of hers.**
Would you accept her position, her right to break up with you because of what happened?
I bet you'd accept that she has a point.
Fr. Being intoxicated just brings out the real you. I believe that wholeheartedly.
Lmfao true. I just run around silly but I still have enough brain cells to not cheat.
If she is going to blame it on the alcohol, then she had better take some immediate and sustained actions to lay off the sauce. Otherwise she isn’t providing any assurance of her reformed behavior, just a convenient excuse to hang future misbehavior on.
Make her get tested for STD’s before you have sex again, if you do reconcile.
>This isn’t her and I think this is an isolated event. Am I taking this too light?
But this **IS** her, my dear friend. And yes, you are taking this much too lightly.
I've been drunk many many times and never once thought about cheating on my SO at the time. Not once.
Don't let someone use alcohol as an excuse. It's not.
This is very true! I love going out with friends whether I’m single or in a relationship. I’ve been drunk on nights out and never ever came close to cheating on anyone. Alcohol is not an excuse.
If I am in a house with a female coworker obviously intoxicated, I would never get in a room alone with her, and certainly not cuddle. I'm find another female coworker, help put her to bed and make sure she is safe. I'd be scared to death getting reported to HR for just being in the same room under those circumstances.
An intoxicated person cannot consent, so any sexual act with that person can be defined as either SA (the cuddling) or rape ( in case they did do something).
So, either the guy who was in the room with her has been living in a cave in the past 20 years and does not understand how things have changed ( for good ) or was already intimate enough with her he felt safe to cuddle with her even though she could not consent.
OP, I think this is very fishy, I could be wrong of course. What about the other coworkers, they let them alone in the room and did nothing ? I think there are a lot of missing parts here.
The culture you're afraid of specifically exists because men (and women) are perfectly comfortable making these types of moves on drunk coworkers. So its incredibly absurd to suggest that because you're (rightfully) concerned about consent means that other people would also be and this situation wouldn't occur the way she suggested.
Coworkers hook up consensually all the time. Entirely possible dude followed her up to try his luck, took advantage to make out a little and cop a feel, and then went "ah this aint worth it" and bounced.
I think we agree, I mean, for me it is a progress people cannot make move on drunk people without repercussion.
Coworkers do it all the time, so in the case of OP, it was either borderline SA, or full consent, and for a long time .
You realize that more than likely both of them were pretty drunk?
I was thinking that as well. Ppl are so quick to label this guy as some sort of creep without all the information. But I'm assuming everyone was drinking a lot.
If they were both drunk then it’s not rape as long as neither was persuading the other to drink. Rape happens to men too like if the woman was sober and the man was drunk.
True. Drunk, horny, and stupid can lead.to sexual assault claims. As a man in this toxic culture of me too whatever, your rep/life can be ruined.
Toxic culture of me too? Maybe if y’all just stopped raping people then you’d have nothing to worry about.
Maybe if you held men who raped women accountable then we wouldn’t need a me too culture. Or did you forget about Brock fucking Turner? And for every “life ruined” there are about probably 1,000 victims who never got justice. And I have yet to meet one person whose life was ruined.
And the fbi estimates that 10% of reported assaults are fake. If you add in all the people who don’t report because of people like you that number drops. Jesus, do you even know anything?
Don’t sleep with drunk women 🤷♀️ And you just directly quoted that your life wasn’t ruined. You know whose lives are? Millions of women daily. And you know what they never get - justice.
The amount of people who weaponize SA is SO SMALL compared to the amount of people who have been, and haven't done a single thing to get justice.
Once again someone crying about sexual assault claims but doesn't seem to give a flying fuck about sexual assault. 👍👍
This isn't complicated.
Dating is about finding someone compatible to make a life-long commitment. Choose wisely.
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It sounds like you and your girlfriend have had a deep connection. Although it must be very difficult, I think it is commendable that you are willing to work through this together and give each other another opportunity. However, in any good, strong relationship there needs to be accountability for both partners. Right now even though she told you about what happened, the best way forward would be for her to take some concrete steps towards demonstrating her remorse over her actions so that you can try rebuilding trust between one another: What kind of tangible things do you think could help show how sorry she is? Also remember that communication is key - talk openly with each other and make sure both of your feelings are heard.
Not just sorry, but does she feel that she should make some changes to her habits and/or lifestyle to ensure that she isn’t tempted in this way again.
Also, does OP feel he is capable of eventually rebuilding enough trust with her to trust her again? You can’t carry on a relationship if you’re tempted to bring up the infidelity every time you’re upset.
I do know couples who have managed to work through this and had happy marriages that lasted for decades. But it’s not easy. I’d advise getting counseling as soon as you can fit it into your budget.
It is crucial for your girlfriend to demonstrate her remorse through action, as simply saying sorry won’t be enough to rebuild the trust and faith you two once had. It might be beneficial if she discussed with you what changes in habits and lifestyle can be put into place to ensure that a similar incident doesn't happen again. Acknowledging her part in this situation will go far in restoring some of the trust between both of you.
Regarding whether you feel capable of rebuilding enough trust so that such an increase does not lead to fear or anxiety whenever the topic arises, it is understandable for there to still remain some uncertainty about how much faith either of you can have on one another right now. Although this topic can resurface during tough conversations, I suggest having these conversations without being bound by any expectations but with an attitude open towards forgiveness; it's ok if feelings come up while discussing wile also taking time when needed after each conversation. Oftentimes couples must seek outside help before they are able to communicate effectively while adjusting back into living their relationship peacfully together- consider speaking with a counsellor regarding strategies and steps suited specifically toward your relationship.
What you should do is ask to send him a message from her phone asking what happened and just leave the phone open on the table and wait for the response.
"Hey, I know things were kinda weird the other night and I don't remember a lot. But did we do anything sexual? I can't really remember."
And see what comes back.
If your gf is defensive...she probably rode his baloney pony.
Alcohol doesn’t make you cheat, it’s the person drinking that makes that decision. I’ve been drunk before and never cheated on my gf. If I were you, I wouldn’t date her anymore because she’ll cheat on you and blame being drunk. Do you want to be worried every time she gets drunk? Or would you rather find someone who won’t cheat on you and can drink without cheating.
Alcohol didn't make her cheat, she just got more comfortable acting how she wanted to act. Being drunk just makes people act more comfy with how they want to be.
I agree with this. Alcohol may impair judgement and make others more careless but it does not make a non cheater cheat. I have partied pretty hard in my life and no matter how drunk I got, I never cheated even if some one attempted to put moves on me.
Being drunk does not make you forget about being in a Relationship.
Ask her for details. Seems there are more she’s not telling you. Was there flirting before getting drunk? While drinking? She said she went to bed, why did the man followed her in the room? Did she invite him? What started the making out? Who initiated it?
If she cannot handle her alcohol intake, she shouldn’t drink. If she’s always like this, she will cheat on you again, not necessarily with the same guy.
There's more to her story
Red Flag!! You are being too trusting in this!!
info: was this guy also as drunk as her? or was he casually sipping on his drink throughout the night?
imo: she was too drunk and made the right choice to go to bed. her coworker followed her, knowing she was too drunk. she didn’t call him to her room- this doesn’t sound like cheating to me, it sounds like she was taken advantage of. especially given that she doesn’t remember it. it’s a hard call, but i think there’s some info being left out (purposefully or not). if i were in her shoes and a coworker did this to me my first calls would be to HR and a therapist.
Dude, alcohol making people cheat is bull shit.
When these kinds of things happen, I think it's more beneficial for the betrayed to not jump in and start issuing rules and ultimatums and what-nots. What does the betrayer do without any prodding or direction from the betrayed? *That* is what will tell you whether to try and work this out or not.
Making the betrayed partner take the reins and tell them what to do is the *complete opposite* of taking responsibility for their actions. They don't have to think or use judgement or reasoning or empathy. They can literally just *sit there* passively and do what they're told. They don't have to 'put themselves in your shoes' or otherwise consider the ways that it has impacted you. Instead, they are thinking only of the ways *their* life changes and how they are being 'imposed upon' and all the things you are 'making them do' to earn your trust back.
Any changes should all be done intrinsically and logically. She would come to the realization that she ended up in bed with another guy because she drank so much she lost her good judgement, therefore, she needs to not drink when you aren't around. That is a conclusion she should naturally come to on her own. Same with cutting all contact with the guy and even changing jobs if necessary. But that is reasoning she should be doing in her own head so you can see how her thought processes work and just what her level of reasoning and judgement is.
If you're going to try and move forward with someone who does something like this, you need to know exactly what kind of judgement and reasoning skills they have. And you need to see how they handle major fuck-ups. Do they put time, thought and energy into taking responsibility and making whatever changes need to be made or do they sit there looking blankly at you and passively saying 'What do you want me to do? Just tell me what to do and I'll do it.' That's the person who will never do shit without being told. That is the person who has to be led by the hand to conclusions that the average person can arrive at all by themselves. That is the person who continually says 'But you didn't tell me I had to do that' about shit that the average person does not need to be told to do.
Believe me, you do not want to end up with that person. And to end up with that person and have them eventually full-on fuck someone else because they 'just didn't think' will only add insult to injury.
The fact that she did this suggests she probably doesn't also view your relationship as "perfect." (No one has a perfect relationship, btw.)
I lean poly so I don't find cheating to be the absolutely unforgivable sin that most of this sub believe it to be; however, the fact that she "says she knows what consequences could come" is the red flag for me. Maybe she on some level wants things to come to an end but hasn't figured out how to articulate it. That would be my concern in your situation, the unethical behavior aside. Most people don't cheat in these scenarios because of the consequences, namely losing the person they love most. Why wasn't that enough to motivate her to end it after the first kiss and twinge of guilt? Cuddling sounds very intimate to me, like they've built a closeness that allowed this to so easily happen first time they were drunk together. Almost sounds like they both wanted it to happen.
You've got a long conversation or five ahead of you if you want to make it work. You could come out of this stronger, or perhaps you'll realize it wasn't perfect after all and that she doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved and you'll go your separate ways. Either way, good luck to you, OP!
She cheated on him so she obviously isn't one for him
He needs to leave
Well, when you two discuss this issue, you might encourage her to not consume alcohol to the extent that she's unaware of her environment. She's nearly 30, and the wild days of partying to oblivion should be a thing of her past, not her present.
Given the history you and she share, and the relationship you've established, I think she should get a pass. There's much, much more good about her than this one mishap, after all.
I wish you well.
Just don't make the mistake and rug sweep this eh pal...
The co-worker wouldn't just get into bed with her and "make out", if he wasn't led on in some way before all of this shit, but on the flip side, I hope he really didn't drug her and tried to assult her...
There is way more to this story and if you turn a blind eye, you will eventually get burned later on, when the "real" truth comes out, and it always does.
Oh and the "owning" up to it right after, doesn't mean diddly squat, because she could also be afraid of you finding out from someone else about what is/was really going on between them...
I can almost guarantee you right now, that there was some serious "flirting" or more going on at their office...Just make sure you get to the bottom of it...
That’s not necessarily true. The coworker could have absolutely gotten into bed with her hoping to take advantage. Although what you said COULD be true, it’s also very victim-blamey.
Hey look there’s one other sane human being in this thread.
What is the most common date rape drug? Alcohol. She could have done it on purpose but “no one is a rapist” is a naive and insulting statement to rape survivors.
Would you do that to her?
I’m honestly shocked at all of the comments blaming your girlfriend. Considering the upvotes those comments are getting, I’m sure I’ll get downvoted, but that’s fine.
She had too many drinks and went to bed *alone.* A coworker saw her go to bed, drunk, and intentionally went into the room and started something with her when she was too drunk to consent. She woke up in the morning, realized what happened, and told you immediately. She doesn’t remember anything else that happened and woke up still clothed.
It sounds to me like her coworker tried to take advantage of her while drunk and for some reason stopped. We don’t know what that reason was, or if she told him no and he backed off, but I fully believe her coworker wanted to take advantage of her being drunk.
That being said, if the reality here is that a coworker tried to hook up while she was too drunk to consent, then she really needs to consider finding another job, and she needs to be way more careful about how much she is drinking and who she is drinking around. Not trying to victim blame, just recognizing that predators are out there, and drunk girls have always been prime targets.
Feels like she's withholding information cuz no one just randomly drunkenly goes into someone's room and randomly start making out intoxicated without some flirting or hints being thrown around. Do u leave the state for work often? If so then I wouldn't continue the relationship as this probably won't be the only isolated incident. Or u could give it a try and see if it happens again, all up to u and what ur willing to sacrifice for this woman. Plus just something to point out, it seems she has no set boundaries with her male friends which could keep causing issues in the future.
Idk.. I would absolutely understand leaving. In my previous 3 relationships I would have lefty partners immediately for cheating.
Now, I've been married to my husband for nearly 6 years and I love him with every fiber of my being. Truly. I believe I would forgive him and stay with him. He is worth every effort to me. He brings me so much joy. I know he feels the same about me.
This is a really tough decision and in the end only you can decide. I do wish you both the best.
Just going out on a limb here, but how do either of you know that she wasn't roofied? She has a drink, goes to bed, guy who roofied her follows her into the bedroom and SA's her, while she is in a nearly incapacitated state. She has a vague recollection of the guy afterward, and when she contacts him, he lies about it.
I'm also mentioning this because I just had a relative describe a very similar scenario that happened to her.
I think your gf should get STD tested at a minimum.
Also, I'm wondering why your gf told you about this in the first place if it was some form of cheating. Since these are her coworkers and not yours, it sounds highly unlikely that this story, such that it was, would have gotten back to you. Or do you know these people pretty well as mutual friends also?
To those saying that one doesn’t act erratic when drunk, I encourage you to do more research on waking black outs. This usually happens more often with heavy drinkers. GF may want to take a break from heavy drinking for a bit.
Regardless, we know that there is a point where consent isn’t possible while drinking, so I’m not sure why that is going out the window for so many responders, just because sex wasn’t involved. So if she had been in a blackout state (she clearly was per her story) and he had had sex with her, her not being able to give clear and present consent, would you still feel was a cheater? Some strange lines of logic. Sounds like a lot of people excusing their own actions with very drunk woman.
For me, making out we could work through, especially a one off without the ability to give consent, but that’s me, others feel different. It’s up to the individual what they find reprehensible.
Thatd be an absolute deal breaker for me.
You know how easy it is to not cheat and never absolutely decimate the trust of your partner?
People who stay with cheaters are dweebs that dont respect themselves.
Um no this is clearly assault. You can’t even legally consent if you’re drunk. It sounds like she was drugged. She doesn’t remember, and is clearly remorseful because she told you right after
You take it however you take it. Not everyone reacts the same. For some people, "making out" is a red line, for others it's not as bad as sleeping with someone.
The only advice I can give is don't make any decisions when you're emotional, give yourself some time to process everything (delayed reactions are a thing), then make a decision about what you want to do going forward.
At the end of the day, it's your relationship and it is how you feel about it. She may have been flirting with him for a while & wanted to hook up, or he may have full-on taken advantage of a co-worker who was too drunk to even consent to making-out but then backed out last minute- meaning this is really more grey area assault than cheating.
Truth is, you can't really know. But, you sound like you don't want to lose the situation with her and it feels workable to you. My advice is to stay present with how you feel as it evolves. If you can work through it, that is your choice. If you can't work through it, that's okay, too.
Sounds like she didn't intend to do it (some of us unfortunately just get more affectionate in drink). You can figure it out but make clear that this must be the only time, and if there are any other offences to take into consideration, now's the time to declare them.
In this day and age its a big risk for a co worker while with other co workers put a move on unless something gave him the idea it would be welcomed.
The chance of him getting into bed with her and then leaving because he can all of a sudden tell she's drunk is at best unlikely
I mean do what you have to but while I wouldn't stay her changing jobs and looking at her phone would be a minimum request
I'm actually concerned about the consent in this situation. The guy simply entered her room, talked a bit and started making out with an intoxicated woman? This is SA. I suggest talking about that with her since no normal person would do the same without some previous clue/flirting.
Investigate what led to this incident, and if those two never flirted or had no big contact outside work then I would be REALLY concerned about the SA part. There is no amount of alcohol that can justify this coming out of the blue, it has to have some background even if it means cheating or her coworker being a creep.
Do what you feel is right, OP, but the alcohol excuse is bullshit. Especially if she is 29. She didn't do anything she didn't want to do.
Omg no if someone sent you to this sub it was clearly a prank. This sub has one answer. Dump her.
If you want something more nuanced try r/AsOneAfterInfidelity (reconciliation sub) or r/survivinginfidelity (recovery sub that leans toward dumping/divorce)
Anyway the decision is entirely yours and you can take time to make it. Watch her actions. Watch what she does to work on changing. See if actions match words.
She’s got to address alcohol. Whether that’s sobriety or only drinking with you around or another option she’s got to get a handle on that.
Her workplace. Probably best to look for a new job.
Total disclosure. She’s told you about that night. Was there any boundary blurring at work that enabled this to happen? Anything leading up to this that didn’t look bad but was actually a precursor? (Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass- it’s about just this problem. Workplace familiarity and blurred boundaries).
Read these with her too:
On healing you: https://www.indigoinsight.ca/uploads/3/4/1/5/3415299/helping_your_spouse_heal_from_your_affair.pdf
On rebuilding trust: https://www.gottman.com/blog/reviving-trust-after-an-affair/
Sorry, bud, you sound like a sucker. Unless you’re cool with an open relationship kind of guy. idk.
See I'd be more sympathetic if she was 21-24 and generally was new to drinking so didn't know where her limit was at. But getting so drunk she makes out with a coworker and can't even remember what happened next at 29? That's a red flag itself.
And this relationship being just a year old isn't that long, you can't yet know if this is an isolated incident for her or a side of her you are just now seeing. And her telling you quickly doesn't undo her cheating. Ask yourself this, would you excuse this behavior from yourself? Could you see yourself getting so drunk and making out with a coworker knowing what it would do to your gf? If not then why accept that same behavior from her?
Depending on how drunk this is, it's not cheating, it's rapey and creepy. The fact they didn't have sex doesn't change that.
She *went to bed*. She knew she was drunk, removed herself from the party, called it a night and *went to bed*. He then followed her in there in the hope of taking advantage of a drunk girl?
I could be completely wrong on this one but IMO you need to have a face to face chat with her first of all, but also talk to her about how she feels about it/whether she feels violated by it/how involved she actually was in this. She may need support.
Dude I think she is telling you «half-truth»…She is doing damage control and probably think she can get away with it. I belive she banged his brain out
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You're 25 and you have all your life ahead, you don't need to settle for a cheater.
Well for starters get over it being a one time thing.
She cheated because she wanted to, being drunk is an EXCUSE.
Take her back at your own risk, wanna bet it was a rawdog! She put your life at risk my friend. So be kind and nicely ask her to get tested for any STD'd and show your results.
She'll do it again, because you arent going to make her face anu consequences for HER choices.
I see a future for you with her, and it isnt a good one.
Being drunk lowers inhibitions. I would be more concerned about her drinking. If she is drinking to a point of blacking out and not remembering whether she had sex or not that is a problem. Once that is acknowledged and addressed everything else will fall into place.
I may get a ton of flack for this but I disagree with the others opinion that the alcohol doesn’t make you do something that you wouldn’t normally and the idea that this guy would just follow her into a room is somehow far fetched. I find this 100 believable. When me and my friends were younger and were into a heavy drinking and party scene this sounds very typical. You are talking to someone and having a good conversation and your drunk self goes to bed. Guy is drunk and thinks hey there’s something there I’m gonna go check it out. You do lots off things when drunk that you wouldn’t normally do. Alcohol is a drug. It messes with your cognitive ability and your awareness of your situation and consequences. Your girl didn’t go chasing a guy. She didn’t invite him. She went drinking with a mixed group and ended up having some drunk guy snuggle and kiss on her while she was in and out drunk. She told you right away. Her loyalty and love is to you. She needs to realize that this is not a safe friend group to get messed up like that with.
I'ma say this under the assumption that you know your gf better than we do and you trust her.
Under that context, to me it sounds like she went out with people she was close with/trusted, got hammered, went to sleep it off and the dude either because he's hot for your gf or because he was drunk and horny, went to creep on her.
It can be shockingly easy to manipulate inebriated people, especially if they trust you, there was no reason for him to go in the room unless she called him or he was creeping. I don't think a woman has ever told me "I'ma go to sleep, have a good one" and I thought to myself a while later "yeah I should definitely go in there with her and lay down just incase"
If she doesn’t remember what happened it was NOT consensual! If she was too intoxicated it’s NOT consensual. Even making out while not consenting is still a big deal that can still be SA.
She was sexually assaulted if she’s telling the truth. You either believe her or you don’t. The fact that she told you right away is in her favor.
Insight: she for the streets. Damn can you imagine proposing and then marrying someone who cheated on you?
I have been extremely drunk around flirty tempting guys and have never cheated. Some people just don't care.
No one deserves to be cheated on.
You’re too close to the forest lad. She didn’t just cheat, she cheated with someone she’s going to see over and over again because they work together. Someone who has very likely had designs on her for a while. This man is now full of confidence and biding his time.
reddit likes to jump on this kind of shit, but from what i'm reading and the little i can glean from your tone, being a stranger on the internet, i would trust your gut. everyone says that until they see somebody doing it in a way they don't like.
the facts i've seen in this post are that you trust her, she owned up immediately and apologetically to you, and the other party confirmed it. now. if your gut is telling you to leave, leave. if you feel like you can grow past this, by all means go ahead. i don't see this as an absolute breaker of trust if both adults can effectively communicate and move on and keep the trust alive. of course it's a risk, but if it's a risk you're willing to take, i don't see anything wrong with that.
to give any background, i have never cheated in my life, drunk or sober or anything beyond or in-between. my current wonderful partner hasn't ever cheated on anyone. we have both been aggressively cheated on repeatedly by exes. i'm still saying that if you love, trust, and value this person, and wish to move on, you should give it a shot. that's all.
This is kinda best case scenario. a) it seems they didn't actually have sex. b) she has showed remorse and been extremely up front with you about it.
That's all you can ask when drunk accidents happen. She seems like a keeper, especially seeing as though the rest of your relationship seems pretty good
Personally, I wouldn’t understand being somewhere drunk without my boyfriend. If you’re with girlfriends you know to stay with girlfriends. You wouldn’t go off and do things with other men even when you’re drunk. It’s not an excuse, sorry. You are still conscious and aware of what you’re doing. She is exploring something and making an excuse
She belongs to the streets
I'm sorry, but being drunk is not a excuse. She cheated, maybe not full on, but she cuddled and made out with someone that wasn't you.
Can you trust her again? Are you going to be ok with her going out drinking with friends or coworkers again?
If your answer is no, then walk away. No trust brings a relationship down fast.
I know if it was me, I would never be able to trust my SO again.
Most people are going to say you shouldn't stay with a cheater.
but a cheater who has made a one time mistake, reports it immediately, and takes steps to prevent it from happening again MIGHT be worth a second chance.
I'd start with "don't drink so much," especially at 29.
OTOH you can break up with someone without giving them a reason. It really depends on whether you feel like you can get over this.
Second red flag, who gets drunk at that age? Ridiculous
Advice? Just because society has deemed it the worst possible thing in the world, doesn't mean you have to see it that way. She made a drunken mistake, came clean immediately, and is working with you to fix things. If that's what you want, you're a very strong person and you're making a choice that works for YOU. If you're struggling to communicate about it, couples counseling will help.
LOL great quote
Dump her ass. She’ll cheat again if you just give her a pass.
I think OP mentioned the guy left because she was intoxicated.
I don't know why you're being down voted for this. It's rapey af.
You need to accept that your relationship is over. Her being drunk isn’t an excuse for her making out with a guy. She was willing to throw away a relationship for making out in a bed with a guy she has no feelings for. How do you see a future with this? Fortunately, the guy didn’t take advantage of her while she was drunk.
Leave. Once a cheater, always a cheater
Cut your losses and go.
if she truely blacked out, she didn't do anything wrong. but if she knows what she did, this is another conversation
Okay I am clearly in the minority here. This is gonna be a bit nuanced and I know that doesn't always go over well.
First of all yes, you absolutely deserve to feel hurt. Second of all no, you're not taking it too lightly, because it is up to you and only you to feel how you feel about it. Like there's no wrong way to react, here. Should you feel secure and protected in the relationship? Yes. Now you ask yourself if you feel secure or not, and that tells you if you're brushing it under the rug, or you need more boundaries, or whatever else, to protect yourself and have a healthy relationship.
The other thing, maybe more controversial is: I really think everyone is fooling themselves, if they think romantic feelings/attraction outside of your monogamous relationship never happen. I am NOT condoning cheating. But they do happen. I say this because alcohol is not an excuse at all, but it does lower inhibitions, especially if you're super drunk like that. The important part is choosing your partner, despite other options. Mistakes happen. Especially when you're young and in this sort of environment. I don't think this automatically means she doesn't love and desire you, OP. To me it sounds like she wants to be with you, and she's doing the harder thing of keeping your relationship honest, and respecting you enough to tell you the truth.
I'm also a little concerned about her coworker going into the room when she went in there to pass out. I'm wondering if she feels like this was in any way a violation, in which case it's a different story.
As someone who was in a stable and happy relationship but then r*ped by someone else on their 21st birthday I would cut your gf some slack.
You cannot give consent while drunk. Sure, maybe she should have watched how many drinks she had, but that’s not the point. A person who is drunk cannot consent and even though she remembers the make out does not mean she was not taken advantage of.
So this is rape. This is a no consent situation. She did not consent, doesn't even remember what happened. She was not in a place to say no. Yes she should completely cut him off and not have any contact with him at all. He woke her up out of a drunk fog and started talking to her after walking into her bedroom! No, this is non-consentual.
It's okay to feel slighted, but before I forgave her and told her not to do it ever again, i would check her phone when she's in the shower or sleeping. Trust but verify.. She's loyal right ? So it shouldn't be a problem. Check all her DMs, SMS, messenger etc. There should be no 'my privacy' in a relationship. It's OUR privacy. Talk to her and setup basic boundaries going forward. Don't let your significant other be exposed to situations that could endanger what you two have. It's not controlling, it's safeguards to protect the relationship. Let her know that if she or you don't abide with these basic rules then either of you can be single and walk away. Finally she has to stay far away from that guy since he's gotten a taste. She has to not only block him on everything but also explain to him it was a vey stupid mistake and never will happen again. If he bothers her take it to HR. I had a similar situation where I wanted to beat the dudes ass and shame her, but humans make mistakes and I forgave her.
When you have this discussion I would probably talk about how alcohol she can consume before she feels over intoxicated. She need to
Know her limits and self regulate if she is out on the town without you. More often than not it’s a friend that will assaults a female friend
You should post on the asoneafterinfidelity sub.
Smh she been wanting him that liquid courage helped her
Oldest excuse in the book, drunk.
Even people who don’t drink at all use that excuse.
>we talked it out and are still communicating. I told her we would figure it out when I get home tomorrow night. She says she doesn’t know why she did it and has no feelings for this guy. I told her to cut off all communication with him, she obliged. She is remorseful and says she knows what consequences could come. I love this girl and see a future with her. This isn’t her and I think this is an isolated event. Am I taking this too light? I’m obviously hurt but feel respected because she told me as soon as she woke up. Idk I just want some advice and needed to tell it to someone. Really don’t want to talk to family/friends right now.
I think that this is a perfect example of what remorse and reconciliation needs. This sounds like an honest mistake and two drunk people taking advantage of one another. Most times when the infidelity happens, there is a level of going along with the actions. That wasn't here. She didn't completely cheat and is taking the correct and appropriate steps to reconcil.
I would advise her to call him in front of you and tell him that, she can not have anything like that happening again. To never flirt or hit on her, that night was a horrible mistake and is crushing her because she is in a relationship. No more excessive drinking while out with friends. And you both need firm boundaries
I dont think you are making a mistake here in this situation forgiving her. But you both need to have an open and honest conversation. Still push her to open up if there is an issue in the relationship and make sure that you both work on communicating, honesty, and trust.
You will likely be more paranoid from this and you both need to accept that is likely an outcome from this. I believe she is to be trusted though.
If she's genuinely sorry, and agrees to cut ties/not drink like that again in mixed company, I don't see why you guys can't move past this. If you truly believe it's a one off, trust your gut. She told you. You didn't have to find out from a third party.
I'm sorry I have been very drunk before and had guys try to hit on me and try stuff and not once did I not know what I was doing may have been dizzy and giggly but I knew what I was doing and said no I am married so I am sorry I never accept I was drunk and I am a light Weight as far as drinking. Just make her tell you what happened again and see if the story changes at all so sorry hope it works out
**My dark theory of what happened:**
After reading this a second time hours later, here is what I think transpired.I think her story of alcohol intoxication is sketchy. In the Infidelity sub you noted that she doesn’t have issues with handling alcohol. Additionally, a year ago you posted about your own serious problems with alcohol (I hope that this is fixed). I think she tailored her rationale because she knows you can understand what drinking until blacking out can do and would naturally jump to that conclusion. If she was fully wasted, I’m surprised that she didn’t vomit, or just pass out. Blacking out is a nice “I know nothing” excuse for anything. But I question if she lost any sense of control.
Secondly, her reporting her story the next morning is less honorable than it seems. She was with coworkers. They saw her go to the bedroom, most likely they saw her bosom buddy also go into the bedroom. It’s questionable whether they saw her pal leave the bedroom. In my 40 years of working in industrial and service offices, this is enough to power gossip for years. She has to get in front of her version of the story for you as there is zero control over the others and what they could say and text.
She is framing what the guy and she did for your consumption. It sounds like a PG version, clothes on, kissing, and some good old cuddling. Look, a whole lot can happen after making out and before cuddling. And does a 29-year old buzzed woman making out with a guy in bed, I mean they are wrapped around each other right, just stop forward progress and cuddle? 13-year olds, maybe, but adults? And the clothes on bit is a bit clever by half, it sounds like a pinky promise they made 30 minutes before you were called.
And finally, “She says she doesn’t know why she did it” well that’s like people testifying before Congress saying “I don’t remember” after being asked about a meeting planning a criminal act. This is the key question to the whole affair and she needs to be truthful here. I think the answer to this will also tell you why this other guy so easily slipped into her bed. I actually think they did a delayed steal (using a baseball term) so their actions could be perceived as less coordinated.
I hope I am totally full of it here.
I mean, trust your gut. She did a shitty thing but handled it correctly considering. If you choose to work through it this time, if there is a next time then you know for sure.
All the advice on here is literally just break up with her. That’s not really advice. Relationships are more complex than a reddit post.
I was super duper can't-walk-straight-and-close-one-eye-to-try-and-stay-balanced drunk.
A guy tried to kiss me, you know what I didn't do? Kiss back and cheat on my partner and this was after I was only in the bar because we had a massive fight.
I was literally at my angriest at him, considering to break up and FUCKED drunk and I did not cheat on him because I respect loyalty in a relationship.
The choice remains yours, but my trust would be GONE.
Idk. I mean I can see from both perspectives. If it was due to the alcohol. And wasn’t anything more… let it slide. We’ve all fucked up. She told you, that should Be good for something. But I would need some assurance that wouldn’t happen again. Life is short, forgive and forget. Her one pass.
It was great that she owned up but nobody cheats by accident.
I’ve been very, very drunk but I never kissed anyone I should’t have. Never.
It’s just not a reasonable excuse. And why do you have to wear the embarrassment and future worry of her bad behaviour.
If you forgive her, you’re telling yourself it’s OK for people to do that to you.
It’s up to you. Give it a week or so and you’ll know if this is something you can get past or not.
Sounds like she is genuine since she immediately called you.
Blackout drunk…She probably isn’t going to recall anything.
I’d call it an isolated event
Mistakes do happen and I think the boundary you should put in place is not just to not contact that particular coworker, but on her alcohol consumption. She should agree to not get drunk with people she knows she can fully trust and rely around her. This means cutting down on going out to drink with coworkers.
Cheating isn't a mistake. It's a combination of a number of incorrect *choices*
Her choice wasn't to cheat on him. Her choice was to get dead drunk in company of her coworkers. At the time of the deed she was in state excluding her from being able to make conscious choices. Yes, her choice to drink like that was irresponisble, I to dare call her choice a **mistake**. She needs to learn from it and change her policy about drinking alcohol.
She cheated simply she didn't regret it in the moment chances are so why stsy leave
Even though I read the whole post I can tell you I really didn’t need to. Cheating is cheating, and should be zero tolerance. The relationship is over. If you stay together you’ll both just be worried it might happen again, and if you have an argument about anything in the future, this “ammunition” will be devastating to use and would be easy to slip out in the heat of the moment.
She can’t take it back, and neither of you can put this genie back in the bottle. It’s over, it’s the unlimited breach of trust.
I think you know everything she cheated. Being drunk has no bearing on this.
There are thousands of women out there that will not cheat on you, respect yourself.
Good on you for approaching this with a level head and communicating effectively with your GF. Yes, you may find it takes some time to establish the trust again, but perhaps it s also an opportunity to explore why this might have happened and if there’s anything missing in your relationship. I don’t think you’re being too calm or disrespecting yourself by giving her the benefit of doubt.
The problem with cheating isn’t what happened, it’s the betrayal and cowardice. She immediately felt how that betrayal would affect YOU. She had the strength to tell YOU. She didn’t hide it or brush it off because she recognizes how her own stupid mistakes affect the person she cares about.
Personally, cuddling and kissing don’t even register on the cheating scale. If she feels guilty of something so minor, and she tells you immediately, and you are both mature enough to sit down and discuss it, the two of you have a bright future ahead.
I think you are being incredibly mature and support this immensely
You could make it a big deal
I get it this is really a big deal for a lot of people
Sounds like something you can forgive
If you can then I support you in that
Given the fact that more than 50% of marriages have some kind of infidelity it seems that people learning had to deal with it instead of ending and cutting it off might be a mature reaction
Once a cheater always a cheater…. Trust is gone and you’d never ever be able to trust here wholeheartedly like you did before…Best for you to move on
Her getting THAT drunk IMO is a reason to not date someone. Especially at 29 (and female) she should know her limits. Highly irresponsible, lack of control, and dangerous. If she cannot say no to more alcohol, what makes you think she can say no to even stronger temptation?
But also, being drunk does not excuse any behaviour or action done during intoxication. I know my BF doesn’t cross boundaries when he’s drunk, I also know I wouldn’t/don’t.
Get rid of her
Break up man. Why date someone who can’t control their damn liquor?
do you really think this if the first time and the last?
Move on OP. This is over.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. That’s my pov. Break up with her and move on
I will never understand why people drink to the point of not remembering what they do or doing things they claim that wouldn't otherwise do.
It’s over, sorry.
Would be instantly over for me. What if in 4 months she goes out with her coworkers again? Are you controlling for not wanting her to do it? Is he in the wrong for wanting to hang out with her friends?
It's just awful.
You know, those files in spy tv shows, the binder says “eyes only” and “redacted”, with huge portions of documents blacked out. That’s how your story of her shenanigans reads. I can guarantee you one thing about your gf - one thing that she’ll never be is a screenwriter. Consistency, you see, is pretty important there. That Swiss cheese version that you are getting is not even good for a kindergarten drama class. Look, events on their own may indeed have transpired as she says, and it didn’t come to sex. But that’s not really the important part. Have you ever done alcohol? I drink so rarely that one strong cocktail will knock me out. I’ve been drunk more times then I ever wanted to, and not once did I ever have a brain glitch that would make me forget about my SO and point my penis at a coworker. The only possible way that would happen is if the coworker and I were to already be pretty close, and wanted something to happen. Then, sure, a couple of drinks would facilitate the deed. I’m sorry man, chances are, you’ll never know the full story. Keep the relationship, and she will know which boundary she can cross, and how to do it with minimal fallout
So she got too drunk, and decided to go sleep it off, and some dude followed her into the bedroom? Knowing that she was drunk and alone in there? I’m all for personal responsibility but if she’s too drunk to consent, is it cheating or is it sexual assault? Either way, you guys have some tough talks ahead of you, I wish you luck
Unless she was unconscious, it was a choice that she made...
Alcohol reduces inhibitions, and she felt uninhibited enough to kiss someone else. The desire to do so was always there.
Kick to the curb,no good
If your relationship was perfect, she wouldn't have kissed or cuddled another guy.
Once a cheater always a cheater. Is she not gonna drink again? Is she gonna limit herself to drinking heavy? Are her friends gonna pressure her to drink more? If she travels is she not gonna drink? Can you be completely in peace she is out somewhere potentially drinking and that she will truly not get wasted and cheat on you again?
Don't trust her, she's gonna do it again. Alcohol just gave her the courage to cheat, she defo wanted to do this
she's a fucking scumbag, kick her out to the curb
And you've just showed her you're a doormat. People like this get no respect for me. Take her back and i hope she cheats again and again!
Reddit is very harsh on cheating. Not saying they shouldn’t be. I know that cheating is a huge betrayal, but you’re not going to get much advice on staying together and working through this.
I do believe couples can survive infidelity, but it obviously takes a lot of work. Maybe you should take a few days or even a week to think things over. No or little contact in that time, just allow yourself to process the information and see how you feel. Then if you still feel like you want to stay together, have a very honest conversation about what you need from her moving forward so that this never happens again and so that you don’t ever feel like it could potentially happen again.
In 9 months if she has a kid it's not yours.
Make sure you bang at least one of her friends