By - sounder2k
I've been drunk millions of times and never used that as an excuse to invade Poland.
She cheated on you, act accordingly.
And Poland thanks you for that!
This is stupid. It all depends on how drunk each person is. You can’t just hand wave being drunk as no excuse.
I’d also like to note many rape victims, especially drunk or otherwise intoxicated ones, frequently don’t immediately understand that they have been raped and/or taken advantage of.
I am so sorry to hear what happened to you but I’d ask you refrain from calling it an excuse. It’s not an excuse it is a sequence of events. Reddit is the absolute worst place to come to talk about the grays of rape and sexual coercion as another poster said is not women friendly in the slightest outside of heavily modded women subs
Oh I figured but the terminology matters in these cases since so many people dismiss any woman who has been raped unless she’s been raped at gunpoint and as women we all know there’s so much more to it than that.
>she brings up that both of them were plastered, but not blacked out
While I sympathize with your story, it seems inapplicable here.
>It all depends on how drunk each person is.
How is this supposed to be quantified, and who's supposed to do it? Should it be determined before or after the fact?
This is great in theory, but you can't really put it into practice. Because everyone involved is drunk
It’s supposed to be quantified by the individual. If someone I cared about told me this happened to them I would be more concerned with seeing wtf happened and getting them help not trying to determine rape. Maybe it’s just me but when I care about a person I would give them the benefit of the doubt and not come to strangers for a judgment but instead to a professional fit answers
>It’s supposed to be quantified by the individual.
What if both "individuals" were equally drunk? Why would your hypothetical victim need help if there wasn't a rape?
This only works if you equate being raped while drunk with raping while drunk, which are really not comparable events. The default activity of blackout drunk is to sit there drooling. Do that and no one gets raped. Being so drunk you rape someone isn't a thing, and it's certainly not the same as being drunk enough to be taken advantage off. These are affirmative acts being taken here, not being too drunk to stop someone taking advantage of you
The individual person? Yes.
Religion is a good excuse though Hitler! >!/s!<
I'm not saying you should get a statue erected in Poland but come on, you haven't invaded even once. Such a good dude.
She definitely cheated and knew what she was doing. She was trying to soften the blow by saying she was drunk.
Yes she cheated . She is using the drunk excuse about being plastered. She was not drunk. Se knew exactly what she was doing, she was not taking advantage of. Leave her to the side of the road. You forgive her you are making a mistake.
This - she's not stupid or 16 she knows where getting drunk with a dude that wants her leads.
Getting drunk does not equal consent no matter how old you are. And being very confused and blaming oneself after a sexual assault is common. You don't even know if she was just hanging out with this guy or if she was at a party and he came on to her.
There's not enough information in this post to figure out what happened & the fact that many of you are disregarding that and just assuming she cheated is wrong. She literally told him immediately. That's not how cheaters normally act. We dont know what happened.
OP just talk to her. You know her better than we do.
Getting drunk doesn’t invalidate capacity to consent unless the person is incapacitated. Both were plastered and not blacked out. She herself won’t even say she feels violated or anything like that.
>Getting drunk doesn’t invalidate capacity to consent unless the person is incapacitated
A lot of young people don't understand that these days. They've been taught that you can't consent at all after your first sip of alcohol, which is patently ridiculous.
He straight up asked her and she didn’t make any accusation. You are stretching, reaching and speculating and misstating the law. You’re argument boils down to “she told him immediately so it may not be cheating.” You base this on nothing and then ironically say I’m making assumptions. This is, of course, very telling of your biases - making baseless assumptions while ignoring actual facts in the text.
Thank you for not engaging further, it would certainly be a waste of time
“I asked if she ever said no or that she didn't want to do it but all I got was that she said "I'll never forgive myself for this" and "I'm a terrible person for this". But at the same time she told me she liked the attention at the time.”
He asked her directly and instead of point blank saying no, she says she won’t forgive herself - it is much more reasonable that she said this because she didn’t say no and wanted to do it at the time and now regrets.
What other information would you like? He asked her if she said no and she didn’t say she did. I appreciate your outlook that you want to believe (which is like the modern version of the flawed logic of “Pascal’s wager”) but, here’s the thing, this is a dude who didn’t say she ever believes she got raped or didn’t provide consent. This is *him* saying “well she didn’t make any accusation ever, at all, that this was rape but she and this guy got drunk and had sex so can I justify it as rape??”
According to this post she has not indicated in *any way* that she herself was raped or traumatized. The title of this post seems to be misleading as she herself in the story never says anything about being raped. So I’m not going to make the boyfriend justified to now convince her that she was raped and make her a victim of trauma a when she clearly doesn’t believe she has been raped (per the post at least; the title, again, seems misleading)
She was not hesitant to admit to enjoying it. She *was* hesitant to say that she was taken advantage of. She was not so drunk that she does not remember enjoying it. That's all the info thats needed to assess whether she cheated. She's feeling guilty and morally strained, and that explains the confusing behavior.
Well, why not use your own logic and tell me where it says that they actually had sex?
All we know is that she liked it when he was coming on to her. Cheating can mean a variety of things, not just sex. She remembers him coming on to her and she remembers liking it. She cheated. I don't know what more information you need. She admitted to everything else and remembering what happened, she would have told him had she denied his advances. It also doesn't say anywhere that she even accused this guy of anything. It seems like OP is under the impression that drunk equals inability to consent to anything which is not true
Edit: sex or penetration, in this case. By the way, in the eyes of the law, actively showing that you enjoy something is *implied* consent.
Then explain why you don’t have to be plastered to not be able to drive after drinking? It’s only 0.08 THATS not plastered for a lot of people. So explain why people can’t drive at that level.
I’m not saying this specific instance is rape, you can’t assume that or the opposite from his post.
But incapacitated does not mean blacked out. You do not have to be blacked out to not be able to consent.
This is high school and middle school level sex education. And the fact that most men commenting are still confused and WRONG about this topic shows how sex education is failing us. Not to mention the extreme lack of empathy and critical thinking going on.
Being plastered is not consent. You do things you normally wouldn’t under the influence.
Because alcohol slows reaction time. Under perfect conditions, you may be fine driving with a higher BAC. But as soon as you have to stop at short notice, you will be slower in responding, making an accident more likely.
>Then explain why you don’t have to be plastered to not be able to drive after drinking? It’s only 0.08 THATS not plastered for a lot of people. So explain why people can’t drive at that level.
Pathetic attempt at a strawman
Not a strawman and not pathetic, it’s literally the law.
Being drunk impairs you even when you’re not blacked out. And it’s scary that men are downvoting.. it’s a simple concept and it can get you in trouble if you aren’t careful. Alcohol has different effects on people what might not be plastered to you can be plastered to someone else.
In most cases, I’m sure it’s fine. But it’s definitely a good rule not to mix a lot of alcohol and sex. Just like it’s a good rule not to mix alcohol and driving.
If you don’t agree with that, maybe there’s some things on your end you need to confront.
So you’re standard is “sex education” and not, you know, the fucking law??
Jesus you sound mental. You know why you can’t drive at .08? *because they fucking law says so*. It used to be .1 btw *and then they changed the law* so now it is .08. You know why the test is “incapacitated? *Cause that’s the fucking law*.
You all treat people like children, it’s fucking insulting. You Can’t even make a good analogy. In driving drunk you drank enough to be above .08 and were arrested by a cop. It is basically you driving and being pulled over. In a case like this, there are two individuals, and in criminal law, you have committed a crime only when you have mens rea and actus reus. And you need to know that the person who you are having intercourse with *is incapacitated* or explicitly not consenting. That’s *generally* how it works.
*You* are confused and wrong. *You* are using standards of politics to comment *on law*. Per your analysis both raped each other. Per your analysis you could never sign the credit card receipt after youve had some drinks because “you can’t consent cause you had a drop of alcohol in your system.” It’s stupid. People arent children. People are presumed to be responsible and know what alcohol does to them and that it may lower their inhibitions. You all literally traumatize people by making up some insane scheme where you convince them they were victims and raped when they never legally were. And then, because they were t legally raped you make them feel powerless and revictimize them again. It’s fucking sick.
So she raped him too right? Because they were both plastered?? Or is it just women because you think they are weak children incapable of making decisions.
Now tell me more made up shit you learned from your college resource center
Edit to add: incapacitated generally means literally passed out or so drunk that you can barely walk/move and someone else could easily tell you are incapable of consent. This is usually determined by case law in whatever state they are in. Which is why *lawyers* should be giving advice on this, not an idiot who got one talk at college about it. It doesn’t mean “I got drunk and participated in sex”. Do people like you hand out medical advice because you read something on the fucking on the Internet? Or is it only okay for you to make legal conclusions and give legal advice because some website told you rape means you took one sip of a beer? It’s mental. And the way you are so condescending and faux righteous about this is fucking sickening
Edit: downvoted with zero argument. Lol. - NVM, new account with 4 comments. Fuck off.
the victim blaming…..
OP, i know this sounds bad but either way. do what you feel best. you shouldn’t feel obligated to stay with someone, especially if it’s at the cost of your mental health as well. if she came to you at first and said she “cheated on you” verbatim then i personally think she might’ve said she was violated when she saw your reaction. i’m sorry OP. it’s never easy to let go of someone you love but i wish you the best! <3
You know her. Why you are asking Reddit this when half the comments are just going to be men who believe no man has ever raped anyone ever and the other women who believe no woman has ever made a false accusation ever.
As a victim I would hope no one would be sick enough to lie about this.
But I don't know her, you do. Do you in your heart think that she's capable off lying about something like this?
If the answer is no you have your answer.
If the answer is yes you still have your answer.
If the answer is yes and she's telling the truth then she's better off without someone who didn't believe her and thought she could come up with something that twisted and if she's lying and you go with yes then you are better off without someone who could be evil enough to lie about something like that
The thing is I don't know where I stand.... is it rape if she claims he didn't force himself on her and she never said no? Is it rape because they were both borderline blackout drunk?
Both were drunk and both consented? If a crime occurred it seems that then both are guilty.
If what you have claimed she said is true, sounds like cheating to me and not rape.
I don't know how drunk you'd have to be to not realise that this is cheating. She's have to be literally blackout to the point she wouldn't even remember it happen. But she does, so...
No it isn’t rape. She cheated on you. It wasn’t a mistake. She made a series of choices to have sex with someone else. She wasn’t taken advantage of. She feels guilty because she knows she knowingly cheated. She is trying to lessen her culpability to get you to take her back. Don’t fall it.
I find it abhorrent that she would claim rape when she cheated on you. If she were taken advantage of, her first words wouldn't have been cheating. So now, she claims rape. No. That's not how this works
you're new on this sub, aren't you ?
She was drunk which in my country would yes be classified as rape. Not saying no doesn't equal consent. Just because he wasn't forceful doesn't mean it wasn't rape either.
But then it doesn't mean that it was.
Let's simplify it, if she were to go to the police would what happened be enough to see the person at the very least going to trial and the answer is yes.
What country do you live in?
If they are both drunk they raped each then
>answer is yes.
If your judicial system rules without evidence or motives, this is a ridiculous system LOL
But the guy was also drunk. How is that fair if she said he didn't force himself on her.
He was drunk as well, is she guilty of rape? Or does your country have "men are always the guilty ones" enshrined in its legislation?
This was my first thought too!
>She was drunk which in my country would yes be classified as rape
The guy she was with was also drunk, so they were both raped?
Um, what? I'd wager that there is not a single country in the world that considers drunk sex, without coercion or force, to be rape. She said that neither of those happened.
I can tell you're in denial because this is laid out so clearly but you cling to the "is being drunk rape?" dilemma.
It's not rape
Make her go to the police and raise a complaint and she needs to get a rape kit done at the hospital.
This suggestion will lead you to the truth
And the drunk guy should also get a kit since they both can't consent since they were drunk
Totally agree with you, I was not preferring her because she like me is a female.
But I offered that advice as to call her out
Love to force women to do things against their will as some kind of purity test.
I heard that ***real*** rape victims don't float, maybe OP should just throw her into the river.
What makes you think the guy was actually drunk ?
Literally had to show up to court the other week to defend my friend as a witness to a test to how he did not rape his ex girlfriend when they were living with me at my apartment. I had an extra room and i lent it to him and his girl because he's my best friend at the time. She fabricated a story about how they always yelled at eachother and that he broke things in my house. At this point i hadn't talk to him i him in about a year or two. Just cause we had busy lives and i was in law school. But the moment he brought it up to me i was all for being a witness. I also still had footage from my house that around at the time she was saying he raped her but at no time did he break anything, hit her like her story had implied, or raped her. Now i don't have a camera in their room but he had mentioned having to leave the room and cry for a few hours after having been "raped". The footage in the living room showed nothing. In fact i was embarrassed being my fat ass was shown shirtless getting water to drink.
This stuff happens. People lie to get out of trouble all the time.
1) from the comments here, I suppose most of the people here can't even read the post. In the post, there's never said that GF accused someone of rape
2) don't listen to 99 % of people. I mean once I was seeking help here for a friend, who was a victim of calculated drama that affected his life strongly, and people were just saying that my friend is an idiot who deserves it lol (and no, he doesn't deserve it)
3) the fact she came up to you immediately suggests she is genuine. But you know her better than anyone here. Your job alone when you are for 5 days away on the road would be hard on most of the people who have feelings for you and expect some care from your side as well (eg romantic relationship like this). As you said in the post, she mentioned that she liked that attention, which means she felt lonely (and let's be honest, probably horny as well). Can you blame her for that? No, it's pretty much what defines humans. Can you blame her for cheating? Yes, definitely. Can you blame her for lying about it? No. In the end, in my opinion, your relationship is fixable, but you guys really have to talk about how both of you feel when you are separated so often for so long. And by that, I mean having a real deep talk. Maybe she just needs more attention from you when you are on the road so she doesn't feel "left alone", or maybe she just needs constant present attention which you can't provide, and therefore you two shouldn't be together, because this would happen again.
Anyway, don't make her go to the police station if she DIDN'T clearly say it WAS A RAPE. Seriously, don't. Because if she'd have went to police station to report rape just to prove her loyalty to you, you can SERIOUSLY damage life of someone who's innocent.
Good luck 👏
Very nice comment, hat off to you sir
Some rare good advice on this sub. I agree, if he's away for 5 days a week she probably feels lonely often
i feel like this is the only decent comment here not accusing rape or just saying listen to your heart.
She made her choices, let her sleep in his bed not yours bro.
Where in what you said, she said , does it mentioned a single thing about being raped or abused ?
Yes please don't believe your gf when she says it wasn't rape. It clearly was rape and women are to dumb to know what's good for them anyways. Blaming herself cause she cheated is more accurate.
She cheated, dude. End of story. There's absolutely no excuse for cheating, not even being drunk.
She got drunk and cheated, move on.
Run Off there bro
Simple solution: tell her to go file an assault report immediately if she wants to claim assault, which will RUIN an innocent man's life if it was consensual and she is lying, or you end the relationship. Sure, some selfish women are fine with ruining someone else's life, but there are real women victims who are terrified to report the attack. Here's the thing: she has already admitted that it wasn't violent and had enough of her faculties to know she shouldn't do what she did during the act. She could have stopped it and left. She didn't. I'm leaning towards cheating and trying to play the drunk card. Sober girlfriend gets to be accountable for drunk girlfriend behavior because she was sober before becoming drunk...she wasn't held down and forced to get intoxicated. If her impairment is that compromised when she drinks, she should QUIT DRINKING COMPLETELY.
If they are both super drunk, and she was into it. That's not rape.
If they say it's rape because the guy slept with her while drunk, well... Didn't she do the same?
Grow a spine ffs
Break up with her hold her accountable for her actions
I am going to offer an opinion that differs from the lynch mob. If the relationship has been good to this point and she has never caused you concern with infidelity, I would choose to believe her.....this time.
I would make it conditional upon her totally abstaining and joining AA along with getting individual counseling for her trauma and alcoholism. Tell her as long as she commits and does these things, you will stand by and support her 100%. However, if she fa.ters or a.lows herse.f to be in a position where it could happen again...the relationship is over. Be very clear on boundaries in your discussion.
As a side note, if she knows who the guy was, a few buddies may want to anonomously give him something to think about whi.e you are elsewhere in the presence of multiple witnesses.
>The thing is I don't know where I stand.... is it rape if she claims he didn't force himself on her and she never said no? Is it rape because they were both borderline blackout drunk?
>But at the same time she told me she liked the attention at the time.
How is this rape ?
In most parts of the U.S., it's considered rape if the guy got her to have sex, knowing she was drunk and thus couldn't think clearly. However, there's quite a bit of gray area in this case. As you point out, she wasn't *blackout* drunk (which would definitely be rape), so how much control did she have over both her decisions and her ability to control the situation? Also, if the guy was drunk as well, how much was *he* working from clear judgment? I think it's really something were hard-and-fast rules don't apply, and OP has to trust his own instincts. Obviously, for some people, just the very fact that their partner had sex with another without being forced or threatened into it would be a deal-breaker. For others, that might not be the case. I think it's quite reasonable for OP, if he's inclined to forgive after thinking it over, to require that his partner refrain from drinking in any situation that could land her in trouble (some say she has to abstain from alcohol entirely, but one might also stipulate that she not drink while in the close presence of other men while OP isn't around), and that any violation of that would be viewed as her consenting to infidelity and be an absolute deal-breaker with no going back.
In most places, simply being drunk doesn't make it rape. You have to be so drunk you don't understand what's happening or are physically incapacitated, truly not able to consent. People choose to get drink and have sex and both still legally consent sal the time.
Thank you very much for the explanation
Not really rape. She is blaming shifting. Ask her to file a police report and get a rape exam. Ask to see her phone. You may find out if they have been meeting up other times. Take a look surviving infidelity.com. It helped me dealing with my cheating wife
>Ask her to file a police report and get a rape exam
For what really ?
If she refuses then you know it was consual
What the fuck? Refusal does not imply consent was given, there could be any number of reasons.
Most women who are assaulted do not report it because they don't feel like they will be believed or they are ashamed or confused. You are so incredibly wrong. Please educate yourself or don't comment on things you know nothing about.
We dont and can't know what happened here
Agree. If she was near black-out drunk, does not remember all the details, she may have been in enough emotional trauma that she was just in a fog. She may have not been cognizant enough to say OK or stop. Yes, she may have liked the attention at first, but it does not mean she wanted the end result. She could have come home and said nothing other than she got blitzed. She did not. She sobered up a bit and confessed to you what happened. You and she may never know all the facts. She definitely needs I.C. and to be active in AA for life to never be in such a situation again. She is truly remorseful for the hurt she caused you. If she is willing to do the things outlined, the final tragedy would be to not stand by her side and forgive her so she can begin to forgive herself and heal.
Given they were both drunk (he may have been to a far lesser degree or he would not have been able to get wood, so he certainly knew what he was doing) filing charges and having a rape exam will go nowhere other than cause her further embarrassment.
As far as the comments she recalled making, she could have had enough awareness during the act to say those things, but physically unable to respond.
The lady remarking that uses you are a woman who has experienced this, you have no idea what it is like nor reason to give advice.
I am a grandfather. My daughter went through this in college when her drink was spiked. Her recollection was the same.
And because the police will do nothing. And because the exam is invasive. And because the police might accuse you of lying. Etc.
It is very rare for a rapist to be arrested or prosecuted.
>If she refuses then you know it was consual
My initial reaction was to agree with this, but, after thinking about it for a bit, came to realize that there may be other reasons for her not wanting to go along. Even if there are grounds to consider it rape, she's unlikely to get a conviction based solely on admitting they were both drunk, and she'd have to go public, appear on the witness stand under cross-examination, and so on. I could see even a woman who was an unquestionable rape victim being unwilling to go through that ordeal.
Encouraging her to make a false report and ruin a man's life.... yeah no.
It wasn't sexual assault if she clearly stated they were both plastered. She knew what she was doing and she regretted it after. She wants to make you think she was taken advantage of without actually lying and acusing the guy of rape .
It absolutely can be, but “she told me she liked the attention at the time” very strongly implies she knew what she was doing beforehand
All I know is that, if most guys had sex with another woman under similar circumstances, their wives/girlfriends would undoubtedly react to their account with the opinion that, no matter what else may have happened, the fact that he "liked the attention" from a woman other than her was a violation in and of itself, even if nothing happened afterwards.
I'm going to bet she liked the attention but had no intention of it going that far. OP needs to sit down and talk to her (and possibly the guys she was involved with) to figure out the whole story
Taking it ANYWHERE is too much to tolerate imo; the rape would be irrelevant to that matter if I were in his position.
OK… obviously none of us here know your girlfriend, only you do. We can only make assumptions based on what we’re reading here.
She didn’t try to hide the cheating. She immediately came foward. She could’ve easily kept quiet, but didn’t. Whether she cheated or was taken advantage of, she didn’t hide from you. That’s the only glimpse of hope here, because cheaters often try to hide their actions.
It’s easy for us to judge your GF for what she did. What matters here is that you do what’s best for *yourself* and not her. If you think you can’t forgive her, then break up and take the time to heal. Otherwise, if you think she’s being genuine, maybe you can try and work things out.
But, you should ask her to go to the police. Ask her and gauge her reaction. Then you’ll know for sure.
>She didn’t try to hide the cheating. She immediately came foward. She could’ve easily kept quiet, but didn’t. Whether she cheated or was taken advantage of, she didn’t hide from you. That’s the only glimpse of hope here, because cheaters often try to hide their actions.
As others have pointed out on different threads, "coming clean" isn't always a positive sign. Sometimes, it's "testing the boundaries" to see if you're willing to overlook infidelity; once you've done so a first time, you have little to complain in the future if she does it again.
Now, I will grant that this doesn't seem like one of those times, where they generally "confess" and say they "made a mistake" rather than imply that they were raped. The question is, however, how much "I was raped!" constitutes truly "coming forward" in the sense of having acknowledged doing something wrong and asking for forgiveness. The fact is, if she was truly raped, she has no need to ask for forgiveness or consider herself to have "done something wrong" in the first place. And, if she wasn't, claiming she was does neither of those things, either. So, regardless of what happened, I really think the "coming forward" aspect of this really doesn't have any bearing on the matter one way or another. The simple fact is that either OP's girlfriend is a cheater or a rape victim, and only he can decide in his own mind which is true.
Which is why I suggested OP as her to go to the cops and gauge her reaction.
Stop acting like the police are known for their sensitive reaction to rape reports. They aren't, even when it is unambiguous. A rape victim not reporting a rape proves exactly nothing.
I'm not saying that. I'm only suggesting for OP to give that advice to his GF to gauge her reaction. If she seems hesitant or tries to backtrack, he'll know that she lied. That's what I meant.
But he won't know that at all. That's the point. Do you think rape victims don't realise that people/cops don't believe them, regardless of the truth? Look at the comments in this post. Hell, OP doesn't really believe her and he knows her best.
A police interrogation isn't exactly appealing to some that has recently been attacked.
So, no, it isn't some kind of instant lie detector when someone doesn't want to report their rape to the police.
Well, then I guess you're right. I just feel horrible for OP. Dude is clearly torn on what to do.
She cheated run a 1000 miles cuz
The only one being taken advantage of here is you.
She wasn't that drunk.
And she has already told you, she liked the attention she could remember that part
If she understood what was happening, was capable of saying no, and he was a similar level of drunkenness, it was not rape. It was drunk sex. People consensually have drunken sex all the time. Laws vary by state, but generally you have to be very very intoxicated, or have been drugged without your consent, before you lose the ability to legally consent to sex. Just because she was drunk doesn't mean she didn't cheat.
I'll also point out that she only bright up get level of drunkenness after you weren't inclined to forgive her. She confessed to cheating at first, she knows she cheated.
She is cheater and liar dump her
There’s a difference between getting attention and acting on the attention someone throws at you. She made the decision to act! Sorry to agree with everyone bro. She cheated and that’s that period. It will always be in the back of your mind when you leave for work. Cut your losses bud. Move on.
ok um first off, she’s gross for saying it’s rape to make herself feel better about cheating. she legit knew what she was doing and just didn’t care. she didn’t say she didn’t fully consent so that honestly says it all. she thinks just cause she’s drunk, that’s rape. girl, if you were still able to make decisions, it’s not. like i said she’s just trying to make herself feel better about cheating on you and lemme say it’s not helping/working. she’s gross. i’m not one to victim blame, she’s just making excuses for cheating.
She never called it rape btw.
But yeah, she cheated
he said at the end she was trying to cover it with a story but you’re right. she didn’t actually call rape
If you do choose to stay I would insist that she stay dry from now on.
But dry sex can be painful. Lube is necessary, either natural or manmade or a mix of both!
I think they might’ve meant alcohol free 😐
Sounds to me like she cheated. Kick her to the curb.
She is telling you she is a terrible person, believe her! Or forget her and hope the next time you go out for long stretches she doesn't get drunk!
She cheated, didn't think you'd leave and then cried rape.
What a sick fuck.
Do what you think is correct for you. You know her and you know if you want to be by her side and go through this with her or if you want to leave. If you can accept that she put herself in a position to get the attention that she enjoyed then accept it and don’t bring it up in a negative manner again because if you do forgive and carry on about it later then that’s not actually forgiveness and then that opens up a whole new can of worms that you will have to deal with later.
Trickle truthing. The more you prod her the more the information will come out.
If you want to challenge her, tell her you will bring her to the police station to log a report against the other party for rape. See how fast she changes her story.
I’ve never tagged you before but I think your input is warranted here u/Ebbie45
Ask her to go to therapy. I would say take her word.
She is cheater and trying to gaslighted you
This my worst fear. Cause I never want to victim blame. Id say she should have said something soon as she saw you or it happened but also it's just not that simple when you've been raped.
Is she willing to get a rape kit or how is she about going further in the process?
This sounds more like regret after the fact then rape.
I never want to victim blame incase she really was but that's what it sounds like to me
I mean from what we know both were plastered (i assume equally) which means either no one was taken advantage of or both were.
Also she opens with apologizing for cheating. Which suggests she believes it was consensual. The rape seems to be something op has put into the conversation, by extrapolating that she was drunk and therefore must have been taken advantage of.
I don't even know how it works if both people are equally drunk, does alcohol then not even factor in?
She cheated! Claiming rape to avoid being the "bad guy" is number 1 in cheating women's handbook. Her being drunk was planned. Don't fall for it.
I mean her words Say pretty clearly that she cheated and wanted To.
I go out drinking with male and female friends without my boyfriend often.
Ive never even thought about cheating.
Did she contact police and see doctor for medical checkup?
The vast majority of women who are assaulted do not report it. So that wouldn't really prove anything one way or another
You should walk away if you feel there is any chance she consented to what happened. Even if she didn't consent, if you feel like you can't be with her anymore, that's OK as well.
If you choose to work it out, I suggest therapy. If she believes she was assaulted, regardless of if you two stay together, she should seek therapy as soon as possible. Rape induced PTSD can destroy the victims entire life and sometimes doesn't show up for years. (Speaking from personal experience.)
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope things get better.
If a girl claims she was raped, whether it's true or not, leave. Because you don't know if it's true or not. You can feel sympathy, but then you could find out that she ended up cheating, which confirms she lied and went behind your back. You just DON'T KNOW when it comes to that claim, so it's best to leave.
So, if my wife were sexually assaulted, I should divorce her no matter what? Hard pass.
That depends. I'm speaking on the basis of if there's no good evidence to support her claim. If she's bruised and scratched up (like the girl from Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino for example) that's one thing, but if she looks totally fine, that's another.
Your comments are scary.
She cheated! Now she's trying to manipulate you to feel sorry for her because she's the "victim" now. She's a narcissist.
Being drunk is not consent. But she has some questionable decision making in my opinion. I personally would not have drank alone with a person who is not my so? I can see if it was a group thing but otherwise gonna pass that is dangerous. I don't know if sexual assault took place but she is sending alot of mixed signals.
You dump her she’s cheating and using it as an excuse
No she raped him, he was plastered aswell
I don’t think SA was involved.both were plastered what did they do? SA each other? This is coming from me who IS a SA survivor and a woman.
I think she cheated.
Would you be allowed to use being drunk as an excuse? They've been trying this s*** for decades and it's just now starting to stick. If she wasn't totally passed out and unconscious that means she cheated. This is just an excuse that is used to try to absolve themselves and responsibility. You're a truck driver you don't need to waste time on a woman that can't be trusted. If you're a young truck driver forget about relationships and Bank your money, you have an opportunity to truly build your future don't so don't waste it worrying about women. Get rid of her and start getting your miles
She cheated. She knows she cheated. She was drunk but she knows what she did. She is trying to cover up her actions. Only after a hour of you going back and forth did she come up with the excuse of being plastered.
Clue is that she liked the attention. She is trying to cover. You need to decide:
1. Will you be able to trust her while out on the road? No
2. Will you worry that she is cheating again? Yes
3. Is the relationship worth saving? Your call dude
4. Do you really in your heart of hearts believe her? I am going to say No because you have so many doubts and there has to be a reason for those doubts. If in doubt, the answer is usually No.
Go back to Number 3 and you decide what is best for you.
Yikes. I would judge her intentions before she got drunk.
She must have been talking and texting with this guy. Then at some point willingly made plans to hangout together and drink which she went through with... I'd say the intention was there before liquor got involved.
T think it's all good until the next time.
Did she call the cops?
Sounds like a bullshit excuse to me!
You're lying to yourself more than she's lying to you
She cheated on you! Why stay with someone like that?
So she got drunk and had sex with some guy. In other words she cheated.
If she cheats once, she will again
well i can see where she would be coming from bc i got v drunk at a party one time n my bf at the time kept getting touching but i just wasnt in the mood n i told him multiple times but he wouldn't stop. it actually got to the point where i threw up in my mouth bc he was grossing me tf out n i ran to the bathroom n then he proceeded to follow me to the bathroom n try to finger me WHILE I WAS THROWING UP. i told him no so many times n when he finally understood, he just left without saying anything as if all he wanted was to fuck. anyways sorry, got off track. i can see her perspective, but if she was enjoying it, then it wasnt rape.
So she says she didn’t consent? Just because a girl gets drunk, that doesn’t mean she automatically consents.
Time to move on good buddy.
The reality is both her and the dude was drunk, so it's not like either of them could consent.
That then means it's not rape If she never told him to stop.
She never told him to stop or get him to stop or anything of the sort.
So that means it was as consensual as it could've ever been given the information. Which means she cheated.
She cheated dude.
I want to believe for you that it wasn't that, but she Said she enjoyed him coming onto her and that she'll never forgive herself.
She got drunk, enjoyed the attention then let hormones in the presence of alcohol take over.
For anyone who thinks so, I'm not invalidating someone being too drunk to consent. That is 100% rape. Just from what we've been told it does not sound as though she was beyond the point of consent and was aware of the entire interaction
I’m sorry we’re her does rape come into it. Sounds like your just trying to justify her cheating
From your post I don't get that she implied she was raped at all. What I do get is that she is feeling guilty, it is possible she acted out of character for her and she is trying to rationalize her choice by saying that they were both drunk, etc. The first thing she did was admit that she cheated, I think you should take it at face value. Whether you leave her or not is up to you.
I've been slightly buzzed to far too wasted over 2 decades. I've cheated on my spouse 0 times.
Sorry bud, you're getting a diluted version of events. She even tells on herself a little admitting she liked the attention.
She cheated. Leave. Either way, while you were gone, she put herself in a position where she can be physically touched by man in a seductive manner. Not saying she was asking for it, however she did know what she was getting into, or at least she thought she did.
Part of why I stopped drinking so much was because I was afraid of being in a situation like this. I was afraid that I would get so drunk that I would hit on someone and have absolutely no idea what I was actually doing, be completely unable to consent even though maybe i had initiated, and even though I was completely fucked up, it would still be my fault. I would never, ever in a million fucking years cheat on my boyfriend, but 8 beers a night me probably would have and i'm so fucking thankful that I never did. Your girlfriend could probably use some help and compassion, man.
She’s not really claiming it was rape, but that consent was blurred for both of them due to alcohol.
I think this does qualify as cheating, as she chose to spend time with this person, drink with them, and “liked the attention” they were giving her. Regardless if she intended all along to sleep with them. If they were both really drunk, then she’s only the victim of her poor judgment.
You need to factor in that she came clean with you right away about her actions. She didn’t try to lie or hide it, or continue into a full blown affair.
Consider the relationship you have - is it worth saving?
If you don’t think you can forgive her, walk away and move on. If you think there’s a chance the relationship can recover and you want to try, push for couples therapy. You definitely shouldn’t just sweep this under the rug.
Moving forward together should come with the condition that you both will put in the work necessary to fortify the weaker areas of the relationship that lead to this situation in the first place. For you to ever trust her again, you will need her to demonstrate she can be a trustworthy partner.
If you have it in you to forgive her, I think there is hope. She knows she fucked up and confessed of her own free will. She has given you this information to do with as you see fit. She has given you the choice.
Only you know what is the right course of action.
Why would she put herself in that position in the first place?
Well if it was rape tell her to press charges and if she fights that then it probably wasn't rape. I understand a lot of time these things go unreported because there's shame or other factors to it but by not reporting it and getting a paper trail started on the rapist they risk allowing the rapist to get alway with another victim. Rapist will rape again. Hell i would even contact the guy that is the rapist just to see if her story and hers line up. If they don't well something is going on.
Talk to her more about this. Call off the relationship gently and suggest therapy.
Don't leave her for having drunk sex with someone equally plastered to the point neither of them had self control (or morals)
Leave her for getting into that situation in the first place knowing it was a strong possibility this would happen.
Or does anyone think she woke up and said "oh wow, I had no idea this is what being drunk does to me".
Ask her to take a polygraph test about it. If she refuses then you know she cheated. I did try his with my cheating wife. She said no they are unreliable. If she wants to save the relationship she will agree to take the polygraph
There's no [email protected] the willing!!!
Brother feel sorry for you. Seem like a could guy. Women every single day accuse men of things they didn't do which really hurts real complaints. It's literally on some kind of news daily. If she immediately says she was raped to try and deny she cheated, speaks a lot about her character.
I know this is going off topic a bit but why do we assume she was raped if she says they were both plastered? If a man is just as drunk as a woman and they have sex isn’t it possible she raped him? Or that being drunk when having sex doesn’t mean you were raped by the other party
There is literally zero evidence in what you have said that she was taken advantage of. She cheated and if you accept it this time, she will cheat again.
Drinking literally lowers your ability to make good decisions. It doesn’t sound like she was raped by her own account but it doesn’t sound like she was thinking clearly either.
Personally. It seems like she made a mistake she regrets under questionable circumstances. Maybe she wouldn’t have done it if she was sober. I’d label it as a mistake and not a deliberate affair and then decide where you want to go from there.
The healthiest thing to do is to approach the situation from a place of your comfort rather than accusations. Are you able or willing to set boundaries to work on trust? (Presuming not seeing this person, reevaluating her drinking habits), is this something you can forgive? Would you benefit from couples therapy? Would it be better for you to just break up over her poor choices?
Monogamy is the only thing people can mess up on once in their entire lives and all of a sudden people think their terrible at it. A 99% success rate over a persons life span means no thing to most people but honestly is it really reasonable?
I mean you can live every day as a good citizen and the kill someone then also everyone thinks you are terrible person, you commit fraud one time and everyone thinks you are terrible. Is it really reasonable?
On the one hand, she cheated - on another she didn't try to hide it and seems to be truly remorseful and it wasn't a premeditated or intentional action.
If the relationship is worth saving for you, tell her that she messed up and you want to forgive her... but she needs to rebuild trust and put boundaries in place to keep it from ever happening again. Things like a 2 drink limit when she goes out to keep her from being shitfaced. Go out only with trusted friends that will not let her entertain attention from another guy. Open communication with you, especially if she feels emotionally dissatisfied so you can be there for her rather than her be able to even be tempted by another guy, etc. Find the boundaries you need from her to give you enough good-faith reassurance that it won't happen again as you rebuild trust.
My wife did something similar when we were engaged long distance and there were similar ultimatums that I made her agree to if I was going to continue the relationship as they were her good-faith efforts to show me that me trusting her again wouldn't just cause the same hurt. We have been married for 10 years and couldn't be happier - and those boundaries made her grow up and realize much she hated the life she was living anyway.
In my case, it hurt, but this was actually a turning point for the better in my relationship. If you love her and desire to make it work, you still can.
Ok, first things first, she was plastered. This shouldn't change a thing at all. I have been many stages of drunk in my time but never, and I mean never even once, cheated. Have I thought about it, well yes. Have I even come close one or two times? No, because I'm committed to my partner.
Second of all, she liked the attention at the time shows that she led him on too. If she was committed then things never would have progressed from the talking. Where he was coming on to her or not makes little difference to the situation as a whole because guess flirt with girls all the time. If she was fully committed to you then it wouldn't have gone any further.
Finally, I have been where you are. An ex of mine had a very similar story and I forgave her. This was foolish and soul destroying experience. You start off with doubt about her sincerity and begin to wonder that, when you go for another multiple day excursion, will it happen again. Will she go out "craving attention" and end up in the arms of another man. The trust is gone and, despite her honesty, she ruined a paramount part of a relationship. Then it happens and you can only blame yourself but it cuts deeper because of this
It has been many years since I was cheated on but that relationship still had an effect on every relationship from that day forwards and I know it was because I forgave her. You need to walk away from this. It will be hard and it hurts but, the results of forgiveness in this situation, it hurts more to continue a relationship when trust has been violated in this way.