T O P

I hate being a parent. I love my teen with all of my heart and I would die for him. But I can barely handle the stress of parenting.

I hate being a parent. I love my teen with all of my heart and I would die for him. But I can barely handle the stress of parenting.

SaveMeClarence

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I went through these explosive, raging, destructive tantrums with my stepson too. It was awful. Turns out, he was having a really really hard time in school. We had no idea the extent of it because he can’t express himself fully yet. Once we pulled him out of school, tantrums mostly stopped. (He still has little fits, but not destroying things or hurting himself). Is it possible that something else could be going on with him?


die4creamyjalapeno

That's what I'm thinking, it has to be something else. Maybe struggling with the adoption?


necriavite

The OP said he has ADHD. ADHD comes along with poor emotional regulation, delayed mental maturity (we take a little bit longer to get there okay?), oppositional definace disorder, and a whole host of comorbidities that can range from GAD to PTSD if not effectively treated and handled. Having ADHD in a world of neurotypical people makes you feel like an alien. You feel like your stupid all the time, even when you aren't. As a kid I felt like a monster because I was so off the walls compared to the other kids and everyo e else let me know I was different and weird constantly. Spirals are the worst. Your brain gets onto an emotion or a thought and you can't let go because it's bothering you. It goes around and around getting worse until you either find a way to change the record or use the energy to do something if you can. When I get into anger spirals I clean my house, or I try to. I try to use the energy if can and usually end up muttering to myself about whatever is making me angry as I rage clean until my house is spotless.


die4creamyjalapeno

I'm sorry you deal with this. As someone with anger issues myself, seemingly stemming out of nowhere, I can somewhat relate. It definitely is hard. Getting help and having communicative and supportive loved ones helps a lot, though.


necriavite

Yes it does, and thanks for your empathy! I'm medicated as well as having a psychiatrist who helps me with these things. I don't have regular sessions with her because I don't need them, usually only in a crisis and those are infrequent since starting medication. One personal upside to ADHD for me (there are some, just not many) is that my brain is crazy for idetic information. One of my hyperfocuses is reading and I can read for hours and hours happily and I remember what I read almost verbatim. I also use audio books to split my focus to help with certain tasks that are harder if I try to focus on them alone. My brain gets distracted and I wander off so having something to hold my brain place, something that I love, works for me. It has the funny effect of making me a walking encyclopedia of odd information that my friends absolutely love! Incidentally, all my best friend also have ADHD. We have a tendency to find our people!


die4creamyjalapeno

That's amazing! What a great interest/hyperfocus to have! I can read a whole page and not remember anything from it at all and have to reread the whole entire thing at least once 😂 Is the hyperfocus from your ADHD itself or your medicine? Also it's so great to hear that you do not need weekly therapy!


necriavite

From ADHD. It's a feature of impulsive-type and combined-type ADHD as far as I know, I'm not sure of ADHD-innatentve (what used to be called ADD). Basically my brain locks onto a dopamine stream and won't let anything interrupt it, not even the natural impulses of my own body. I have a schedule to remind me to eat because of it, otherwise I will enter a hyperfocus and not leave it until I feel like I'm starving to death and my stomach is one giant knot of angry pain and I feel faint. The main thing about ADHD that most people don't realize is that it is an unhealthy kind of dopamine chasing that you don't actively choose. Ripping yourself away from a hyperfocus can be painful and difficult, requiring stimulus outside your body to bring you back, but not happily. You know how annoyed someone gets when you interrupt their concentration? Now add onto that impulse control issues and poor emotional regulation. It's rough! My doctor gave me a great book called "The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD". It helped me sort out my coping strategies and get myself doing well. She is always giving me books to help me, and its great!


Shapoopadoopie

I'm looking into this book now!


Shapoopadoopie

Can confirm, ADHD kid here and was the weird encyclopedic knowledge kid, my husband husband has said "WHY DO YOU KNOW THAT" so many times it's a household joke. This was an excellent description of how it felt as a child.


denatured_enzyme_

This. OP needs to see this comment. I have ADHD and also struggle with emotional regulation. Although I don't rage and break stuff, I do break down and cry a lot, or say mean things during conversations on impulse. Then I regret it a lot. I am working on it and it ain't easy but I am working on it. I have trouble with emotional regulation, and I'm 22. OP u/crazy-bisquit your son is only 13, imagine how much more difficulty he is having. I'm not dismissing your feelings; it must be hard to parent, and I feel for you. I'm merely asking you to consider that maybe your son needs therapy or something to help him learn to regulate his emotions. I couldb't have done it without the help of my therapist and my friends. And OP you have the advantage of an early diagnosis! I was diagnosed literally just a year and a half ago because ADHD in girls is harder to spot. Anyway this isn't about me. I wish you and your son all the best ❤


ApexMessiah

ticks all the boxes, excellently written


bluecrowned

He was adopted at birth. He's not going to know any different to struggle with.


die4creamyjalapeno

He can still have problems because of it, wondering why he was adopted, etc.


crazy-bisquit

He does. I suspect that one of the reasons he won’t open up in counseling is because he is afraid the counselor will tell me what they talked about. He told me once that he won’t talk to the counselor, ever. Even though he screams at me that he wishes we never adopted him, it is only when he is raging. He is otherwise not keen on hurting my feelings. I have always encouraged open communication around his adoption. He has seen pictures of his bio mom, I have always said nice things about her and that she just could not afford another child, that she loves him and it is a very selfless thing to do, etc. that I hope they can meet some day, that it must be hard for her too, etc. Even though I have tried to make it clear that he is completely free to have and express any emotion around his adoption, I know he worries about my feelings, and he is extremely empathetic, so he will not chance telling a councelor. Well- that’s my theory anyway.


Iandeetz

My brother was adopted, and he struggled in school. My sister and I both did well in school, and looking back, I can tell it really twisted him up, because it made him feel different or like the dumb family member. Being adopted at birth also does not erase feelings of abandonment, nor does it answer questions like, “why did my mother not want me?”


bluecrowned

I was adopted at birth. I never felt abandoned or unwanted. My mother is the person who raised me, not the person who gave me up. I'm sorry to hear that isn't the case for everyone.


Iandeetz

That’s really great, and I should have been more clear to say that it does not erase those questions, for everyone


Worthlessstupid

I’d say we have a combo of factors here, based on me basically being this kid, minus the adoption but with a step parent I resented. Here’s my guess 1. He’s seeing all the other kids with their parents and is resenting not knowing his. I guarantee at least one shit head kid has said something awful to him which reenforced the complex. 2. He’s struggling with hormones (not a cope out, more of a “don’t forget”) 3. His ADD frustrates him because it’s so hard to just study even with heavy meds, at least in my case. 4. Pile all that together with the pressures of school, social life etc, and he’s confused and angry. 5. He feels terrible for having these outbursts but just can’t get a handle on them, which leads to more self loathing and resentment, which feeds the frustration/outburst cycle. Don’t try to pry it out of him. He’s also worried about disappointing you because he probably feels like he needs to be better to show you he loves you but he keeps falling down. Take him to a trained counselor and don’t be surprised if it take a few months to a couple of years to see improvement. It is 100% going to get worse before it gets better. He’ll be dredging up feelings he’s either been ignoring or confused by and also trying to understands this high strangeness which surrounds him. Good luck and you’ve done a fantastic thing by giving this child a home. He needs you now more than ever Mom, you got this!


Dr_Mike_Hunt_MD

Almost any "difficult child" is nearly always not having a need met (emotional, social, proper mental stimulation, healthy and nutritional food... etc) Very rarely do kids juust act up for no reason.


SaveMeClarence

Yep. I used to have outbursts like this too when I was a kid, loooong before my teens. That being said, OP, when my SS was having those tantrums, I’d take a weighted blanket and bear hug him with it. Then kinda swaddle him, and it helped to calm him down. IDK if that’s the right thing to do, did kinda feel weird like I was suffocating him, but it worked. And he loves his weighted blanket.


Dr_Mike_Hunt_MD

I really wish people would look up simple topics related to psychology, it could help so many struggling children if parents would put their egos aside and not label their kids as "difficult". I see it so muuch and then I get dunked on because "YoUR nAwT a PArEnT" mfer you don't have to be to read a god damn study on the topic jfc. lol


SaveMeClarence

In my case, I had severe untreated anxiety. It was unfathomable to my parents how that could be since they provided me with everything. It had nothing to do with their parenting or with my environment, really, it was all internal. But neglecting that anxiety was bad parenting. However, this was in the 80s and they were raised in the 50s where nobody talked about mental health. Especially not in children.


Budtending101

My parents didn't believe in mental health stuff growing up. I remember my mom talking about how depression and mental health was all bullshit, people were just weak pussies that wanted the world handed to them. Fast forward a few years she cheated on my dad, he killed himself, she drank herself silly and spent 3 years in prison for hitting 3 people while dwi. Now I've got heeeeella anxiety/depression/suicide issues that I'm finally getting help with but it took years and years because "strong people don't need that BS".


Dr_Mike_Hunt_MD

ahh yes I'll take "parents that emotionally abuse their children and shouldn't be parents for 300, Alex"


SaveMeClarence

I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m glad you’re getting help.


Dr_Mike_Hunt_MD

Were you emotionally neglected too? Like "how dare you be unhappy, after all we've done for you" my parents denied me an adhd diagnosis that probably would of led me to easier path in school instead of barely making it by in both college and hs.


SaveMeClarence

I’m sorry that happened to you too. Yes, the emotional neglect, I like to think of it as neglect by proxy, as in my parents’ emotional needs were also neglected, so all the preceding generations have played a role in this. But I am proud of the gen-x to now generations. We’re really talking about this and acknowledging it, and trying our best to break the cycle. We will not have great grandchildren who are denied mental health advocacy.


Mycatisinheat

Exactly! My mom always told me i was difficult and an angry person. Turns out I’m bipolar. Instead of taking the time to understand why i was like that she just said it was because i was bad and that was it.


Dr_Mike_Hunt_MD

that wasn't your fault and while I understand the previous generation didn't have the same views on this kind of stuff growing up, it's honestly no excuuse and I find it very abusive. (THIS IS AN OPINION BOOMERS/X'ERS DON'T CRUCIFY ME) Remember this stranger, you're not your mental illness and you're not bad or unworthy of love because of it. I spent way too long blaming myself for something that was out of my control.


Mycatisinheat

I appreciate it! Yeah she definitely dropped the ball when it came to mental health, even for herself. But we are working past it, i know she did her best at the time. Only thing i can do now is be better for my little ones


crazy-bisquit

To be clear I do not consider him a “difficult child”. I would never, ever tell him something like that. That sort of language puts the *person* down and I would rather focus on the behavior. I have a few books on ADHD, and have read tons and tons of psychology books and articles ever since high school. The trick is differing views from different people- qualified but which one is right? It’s a real mind f^, maybe I am being defensive and maybe it was not your intent to say that about *me* specifically. So please accept my apologies if that was not your intent.


ryanino

This reminds me of a quote from Louis CK, “You look at the face of your beautiful, lovely child and you think two things at the exact same time. I love this kid so much that it’s changed my whole life. I love other people more because of how much I love her. I love people that died years ago more - like my love has travelled time because of how much I love her and she loves me back. She’s completely given value to life that didn’t exist before, and I regret every decision that lead to her birth.”


schmeowy

Jesus, I didn't expect that last sentence lol


Graphitetshirt

All teenagers act out. This is more than just acting out. I highly suggest you get him some counseling, if for no other reason than to give him a more constructive outlet to express himself than destroying shit


[deleted]

Coming for an 18-year-old who used to act pretty similarly but worse, I'm sorry. I saw what it did to my mum and I hate myself for it, even though it wasn't fully my fault. I also have ADHD but it definitely leans more to the severe end of the spectrum. I also feel for your son. ADHD sucks. I would NOT have been able to do school like this. Speaking from experience, I think a lot of this behaviour might have to do with his ADHD. Video games are like crack. ADHD brains go crazy for dopamine and we will act like little shits if we don't do one of the few things that give us that dopamine rush. We also have an extremely hard time doing anything we don't want to do i.e school. I'm not at all defending your son's behaviour, just trying to shed some light. If possible, I recommend trying to find some resources to help him manage his ADHD, whether it be counselling or meds or what. Best of luck. P.S You sound like a great mum who's just at her wit's end, which I'm sure nearly every parent is right now.


Contemplating_emu

Such great advice and you are right about the video games are crack thing. We had to completely cut out video games of any sort with my ADHD son. He is now 16 and doing well but it was an awful long ride for a while.


die4creamyjalapeno

I understand what you're saying. I'm not a parent myself because I know it would be too much for me mentally. But it's very apparent that you need to get your son help. Yes, teens act out and sometimes overreact and are defiant, but it seems like he has anger issues. It would save you from a huge headache if you got him appropriate help.


Hotlikessauce69

As someone who grew up with unmedicated ADHD, being a teenager with ADHD is literally the worst. You're convinced your parents hate you, you feel stupid as hell all the time, everything is stressful, you can barely stay awake most of the time, and everyone bullies you for things you can control. I understand parenting is hard, but having ADHD is fucking awful. Everyone thinks you're being dramatic and out of control when it's really that your brain feels like it's on fire all the time. Your rant is valid, your feelings are valid, but this rant was a gut punch. ADHD is incredibly misunderstood, and parents often make their kids out to be bad kids. I strongly recommend going to family therapy together. You need to be there too, because there are probably many things you are doing that make ADHD harder to deal with that you don't even realize. You aren't a bad parent, you obviously love your kid, and you're just exhausted. I get it. My mom was endlessly frustrated by my bullshit with ADHD, but she was really abusive about it, which fucked me up in ways I'll probably never be able to fix. The things that did help was: 1 - a tutor who's really kind, and more of a help to getting things done than for understanding material. My tutor from grade school was so nice and amazing. She helped me develop ways to help me get my homework done better/faster/actually complete. She stood up for me too when a teacher refused to give me accomodations for ADHD. 2. Find computer games and other fun activities that are meant to help strengthen cognitive skills. Puzzle games are fantastic for this. Games are great because there's a sense of reward that ADHD brains don't have naturally. 3. Get a psychiatrist and/or therapist who can help your son learn how to handle the ADHD emotional stuff. ADHD had tons of secondary issues that most people don't even realize exist which therapy can help. The things that didn't help were: 1. Calling me lazy when I literally couldn't overcome executive functioning issues (literally feeling so paralyzed with anxiety about a task that it physically hurts to move) 2. Getting intensely angry about little mistakes like dropping a glass, losing an item, or forgetting to complete a task. ADHD brains fucking suck at everything, it's really easy to forget stuff. Being yelled at about things that are harder for us is incredibly hard to deal with. It's dehumanizing and embarrassing. 3. Having standards that are too high for me. Tough love is NOT how anyone should treat someone with ADHD. Tough love only makes someone with ADHD feel shitty about themselves, and more likely to develop other mental health problems down the line.


[deleted]

THIS THIS THIS. Holy shit this. Currently an unmedicated teen with ADHD and I'm dying to go on ADHD meds. I wish teachers/parents knew more about ADHD. So many kids have dealt with so much abelist BS and abuse because of misinformation or just none at all.


Hotlikessauce69

Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuup it's the worst. If you're need any help or advice always feel free to message me. I'm 31 now and have lots of ADHD experience to share! Lol. Always remember to forgive yourself. You are smart, you are trying really hard, and you are more than just a diagnosis.


Dr_Mike_Hunt_MD

and in some cases your parents actually do hate you lol I still have flashbacks to what bits of my childhood I can remember of my dad refusing to help me with my homework because he'dget frustrated and yell at me, or my clumsy ass would knock over a glass of water and he'd yell at me, or I'd get in trouble in grade school, and then he'd yell some more TLDR: constantly yelling at and emotionally abusing your kid will ruin them lol :(


Hotlikessauce69

My heart hurts for you. I know exactly how that goes. I pretty much have cptsd from it, and no one really understands what its like for me. I had a teacher who was terrible at keeping track of the homework that students turned in. My mom picked on me about it because I had a history with missing homework. The worst part was that my mom already knew about this teacher since my older sister had the same experience a couple years earlier. Anyways, it's nice to know that other people had the same kinda issues that I did with a parent who had no idea how to take care of a child with ADHD. Always feel free to message me to vent about it.


Adept-Matter

Are there correlations between ADHD and drug use?


jawmor

yeah. A ton. ​ https://delphihealthgroup.com/addiction/and-adhd/


Adept-Matter

Thank you for sharing. It was quite a fascinating read.


Hotlikessauce69

Yes but there are some misconceptions about it.


jawmor

I'm not sure what part of what you described sounds "mild" to you, but this is NOT a "mild" case of ADHD. If he is also on the autism spectrum I wouldn't be surprised. "Games are great because there's a sense of reward that ADHD brains don't have naturally." completely disagree with this. Let me tell you what happened to me and you can see if this applies in any way to your son (I didn't figure this out later until at least a decade had gone by) I played video games as an escape. My parents (while loving) where also authoritarian and I felt like I had no control in my life. Because I was impulsive (read: have ADHD) that caused them to tighten the leash and made things worse. Video games were so over-stimulating for me I could use them to dissociate and pretend I didn't exist. It was the closest thing I could do to committing suicide without hurting the people I loved. I literally did not know how to deal with my emotions because no one ever cared to teach me - and because many people without ADHD learn to manage on their own. So when video games got taken away I would freak out because I would have this flood of emotions I couldn't deal with - and bad things happened. Teaching your son what NOT to do by punishing him IS NOT ENOUGH. I know it's overwhelming to add one more "to do" when it comes to parenting, but your son NEEDS someone to teach him healthy ways to deal with emotions and healthy coping mechanisms when those emotions become too much. The punishment for the bunk bed isn't too harsh, but understand the effect it's likely to have - it's a punishment for not being able to control himself - it's a punishment for having ADHD. He KNOWS that what he's doing isn't okay. He KNOWS he shouldn't have broken his bed. The reason he does that stuff is because his brain doesn't function like a neurotypical brain does and he needs HELP. If he could control himself he wouldn't have done it, but he can't always do that. What the punishment is likely to do is make him feel guilty and ashamed for being born different and not having skills that other people develop naturally without as much difficulty. A solution might be for him to learn some healthy coping mechanisms and practice them and give the bunk bed back when he's made some progress on the condition that he continues to practice them. You describe him as "very loving and sweet" and that's the person you BOTH want him to be, but there are times where his brain just won't let him. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you two have the same goals for him, but you're just not on the same page. If you can afford a therapist (ideally individual ones for each of you and another one for both) that would go a long way towards that. At 13 he's getting to the point where raising him really needs to be a team effort from both of you and that's a really tough transition. I wish you both the best of luck.


Hotlikessauce69

You are right that the video games can be a double edged sword. It's very easy to get sucked into a game and not be able to pry yourself from it. However, one game I had as a kid was incredibly helpful because I really struggled to learn to read, and have an auditory disability. This game helped me with reading, learning a vocabulary, and learning how to help myself remember longer lists of things. And some games actually helped me how to deal with rage. I'm sure you are well aware of the gamer rage that occurs when you die on the same level for the millionth time. Learning to remind myself not to take it too seriously because it's a game really helped me realize what was important to make a stink about and what wasn't. People with ADHD can have a healthy relationship with gaming, but it does take a little work. I usually try to set timers for myself so that I don't get too carried away. And you're right, ADHD has a really hard time with some things because it's either done at 100% or not at all. Video games is one of those things. You have really good advice. I appreciate you writing about your experience with ADHD because it's important to me that people learn about ADHD. Thank you for being cool!


RandomArtistBlock

I'm sorry you're having such a shitty time. It's ok to not love every part of parenting. It's stressful as hell sometimes. I only have small kids so I can't imagine what it's going to be like once they do hit their teens.


totallytiredmom

Currently helping my sister navigate raising a 13 year old boy, who also has ADHD. It’s tough. Raising kids is tough nonetheless. Sending you strength to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Days will get better and if not, then you’ll get better at dealing with them. Think positively. Easier said than done, I know.


kitcat7898

Before anyone tries to say you're a sht parent or something you're doing alright. You're doing the best you can with the situation. I'm high functioning autistic and my brother has ADHD and we were a fcking handful growing up. Both of us have issues with temper and I'm the one out of the two of us who learned to control it. It's not easy parenting an atypical kid and just saying that you love him so much is better than my parents were doing by the time we were teenagers. I wish I had any sort of advice from the perspective of the atypical kid but I really sorted my sht out on my own. The best I can offer is be patient and don't become hostile toward him and he'll come around eventually and realize he's out of control. That doesn't mean don't keep firm boundaries but I sorted my sht out when I realized that I was losing very loyal friends because they were afraid of my temper (I'd never ever ever hurt anyone but I'm scary when I'm pissed) and I figure the same thing will probably happen to him too. If he's a good person, which I see no reason to believe he's not, eventually he'll run into a situation that'll force him to have a really good look in the mirror and realize that he's the one causing his problems. If that doesn't happen then I really don't know what to do. Be strong. Parenting isn't easy and parenting a kid who's brain just isn't wired like the rest of us is harder and you're a good person for loving him all the same and trying your best.


Charlie_Warlie

Been feeling this lately.... I feel like I just want to wallow in my bed but my kids want me to play with them and throw them around into the pillows. It sounds good on paper but naw please just let me wallow for a bit. There is also the super stressful parts like the little one constantly needing me to prevent him from killing himself with like, falling off tables and grabbing knives. Can you let me rest for a fucking minute. yeah this sucks. I'm in a mood right now and i know it but I can't stop the mood. I'll snap out of it tho.


jljboucher

I’m sorry you have to go through this. He is also having a hard time with School life invading his home. See if you can get a therapist for him through his school.


shyerahol

Thank you for your candor. There are not enough parents that admit things like this. It's okay to feel like this. It's okay to sometimes think how much easier your life would be without kids. It's okay to have doubts. It's okay to dislike being a parent. It's okay to struggle as a parent and a person. All of this is HUMAN. So many people think it makes you a bad person to have thoughts like that, but it doesn't. Everyone has dark thoughts, even about the ones they love. What's important is that you don't act on those feelings and you acknowledge them for what they are. You are doing the best you can for your situation, and I applaud you for it.


Liverbones

I know this is a rant and not an advice sub, but I really think a therapist would help both of you. It’s always good to have someone to talk to that isn’t in your normal social net. An unbiased source of advice, sounding board and a wealth of healthy strategies from a professional would be ideal! Good luck to you and your boy.


MrsNoPants420

Have you thought about putting him in a martial arts class? It would give him an outlet for his aggression and teach him discipline. I also suggest a punching bag to help with his raging. Look we were all teenagers once, hormones are a bitch and a half. They are angry, horny, depressed, under pressure, and about a million different emotions all at once. Its a rough time and now they have little to no outlet. Fucking off in class with mates is one of the pivotal parts of being a teenager. Taking the xbox where lots of teens get social interactions might not be the best way to handle it. You might try blocking every device from the modem other than his school device during school times. Or try good incentives for good grades instead of just negative punishment


jayclaw97

I can understand why you dislike parenting. With all due respect, OP, it sounds like your son would benefit from some counseling - and I say this as someone who’s been in therapy continuously since third grade. It’s not healthy for him to be as destructive as he is.


skwerldom

Kids with ADHD cannot be "disciplined" in the same way neurotypical kids are because it exacerbates symptoms and often makes things worse. As a parent of a teen with ADHD, I hope OP reads this. It is so helpful to look at children's behavior as communication. Effort in getting the emotional regulation help is dire. I recommend Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I went through classes on it with my teen for a year and it did so much to help make sense of what was happening physiologically and emotionally in the body and brain and how to think about it and what actions to take or not take. It is very concrete, which is appealing to many people who struggle with ADHD. I totally understand your feelings. You both need some help. It is a very different kind of parenting experience to raise a kid with ADHD. Another great source is from our neuropsychologist, she used to work with Dr. Ross Greene. Check out his videos, he has a good way of understanding our kids. And last, check out ADDitude magazine online. So many resources within that. I wish you many rewarding parenting moments to come. ❤


Rheastar

Dear mama - that is a difficult age for some kids. But your son sounds like he could use some individual and family counseling. I suggest would be good for you as well to have individual counseling here. 1st - kids (and unfortunately still many adults) haven’t learned yet how to control what they say when angry. He’s mad - so he’s taking it out on you. Kids do this. They save their worst behavior for the person who loves them the most unconditionally. 2nd - try not to take it personally. I know it’s hard. But I’m sure you know your son loves you. He is just being an angsty teen. 💛


necriavite

ADHD is rough, for you and for him. It sucks to be that angry, and it sucks to deal with it. 13 year Olds are especially awful. It will calm down a bit around 16 so just try to survive and not kill him or yourself in the meantime from the insane stres of it. There are a few things that helped me cope. Heavy or weighted blankets when I would have a tantrum, wrap myself up tight and cry until I felt better. It feel makes me feel calmer to have that weight on me and all around me. Better than physical touch by a person when I'm in that state. Another one is rocking chairs, if I sat in one when anxious I could work through it better because of the constant motion and physical comfort I get from it. Homework is hell, and you should go talk to the school about reducing or eliminating his homework as a accommodation for his executive dysfunction. This would be more for when he goes back into in-person learning. A block of resource room time for special education to get all his homework done while still at school will reduce the stress load in you both. He won't feel awful for not doing what he knows he is supposed to but can't without stress and pain, and you won't have to run after him and discipline him for it. ADHD is rough, a lot rougher than most people think it is. It's not just being distractable, it's poor emotional regulation, insomnia and hypersomnia, day dreaming because you can't hold you attention to task and then getting punished for it, hyperfocussing on things until your legs are numb and your bladder is bursting from sitting in one place and position for so long. It's also constantly being seen as a weird kid and never really fitting in because you just don't. Incidentally, if he is not medicated I highly recomend looking into meds! I sat still for the first time in my life at 33 years old thanks to medication!


emobeamo

You might want to find out if something secondary is going on that’s causing him to act like this. I went through a phase in middle school when I was really angry and hateful all the time because I had just been through some really intense shit with one of my best friends and I had really severe depression. And I wish my parents would’ve asked me what was wrong back then.


MairaenDeiFerye

My mom and I fought alot too. She never took the time to talk to me like a human instead of a slave owner. Mostly because she had problems herself outside the house. With men mostly. When I got older, I spoke to her many times the way I'd want to be treated and nothing ever changed. Even when I brought this subject up to her. I learned that my children will not be burdens. I will make the effort to make them feel appreciated but disciplined


Inked-Erotica

Hey OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have to most advice, because family things are often complicated, but I do know what it’s like growing up with ADHD (I have it and so do a lot of my friends). I also pretty much raised my younger siblings on my own, so I definitely empathize with parenting being insanely difficult. When kids act out like that, there is usually something pretty significant causing it. I don’t know enough about your lives to speculate, but I would generally recommend trying to open up more calm, non-judgemental communication with him. It’s important for kids to know that you’re on their side and want to work with them for what’s in their best interest. As far as the ADHD goes, getting him to establish a stable relationship with a trained therapist (preferably one who has experience with children and ADHD), and starting him on meds whenever your psychiatrist is okay with that are both things I’d highly recommend. A good therapist and meds that actually work for you make such an insane difference. I don’t even have the words for it. I know some people are hesitant about meds, but seriously, with ADHD I can attest to how much of a difference they make. ADHD is hell to deal with, but thankfully it had a relatively simple base cause/problem: not enough dopamine. I love neuroscience, so I’m going to cut myself short before I ramble off on a mile long tangent. The important bit is that if you increase dopamine levels in the brain, which is really easy to do with meds, then you’re closer to peachy than most neuro-atypical folk can hope to get for most of our lives. Some other ADHD tips I’ve picked up along the way are: 1) at least 60-80% of ADHD ppl have serious issues with sleep, from not being able to fall asleep or wake up, to not being able to stay asleep or awake, so sleep aids (like melatonin gummies), are EXTREMELY used and when ADHD ppl sleep better it tends to mitigate the symptoms a fair bit 2) rejection sensitivity is a big thing for ADHD folk that tends to fly under the radar/never get brought up. Basically, our brains tend to overshoot with the neurotransmitters when we are faced with some kind of negative thing or rejection. This can manifest in a variety of ways, from visibly overreacting to something, to the avoidance-panic/perfectionism cycle so many of us fall into. 3) for getting work done, it’s low key extreme for some ppl, but something that I’ve heard of working for myself and a lot of my friends that missed a lot of school work was when our teachers would put us in a room at school, under supervision when we were younger, and have us specifically do the things we were missing until they were done and we were then allowed to go back to doing the rest of our normal school stuff. Heck, even now, having someone even vaguely supervise me while I work kicks me into functional gear like little else. 4) ADHD is often referred to as “diet autism,” and personally I’ve found a lot of the resources and information geared towards people with autism spectrum disorders and their family members to be very helpful, especially with regards to behavior, “stimming,” “masking,” boundaries, communication, body language, empathy, emotional regulation, trauma, and healthy relationships. I know autistic people are often poorly understood, heavily stigmatized, and ridiculed, but honestly that’s mostly a lot of jackasses on the internet that don’t know anything about psychology/psychiatry/mental health in general. (A word of warning though, a lot of the older anti-vax crowd latched on to autism as a propaganda thing because of that one absolutely moronic paper. I swear, it had one of the most heinous twisting and misrepresentation of data I’ve ever seen. The fraud who wrote it even had his medical license revoked because of how obscenely unethical and divorced from reality that farce of a study was. It was a mockery of the scientific method. Anyways, I’ll quit my mini rant, please, don’t believe the anti-vax people. Just, don’t. I’m a biochem major aiming for a molecular bio Ph. D, and most of my academic life has centered on epidemiology, neuroscience and genetics. If you want a longer explanation, I will gladly provide it. Anyways, sorry for the rant.) Switching subjects, again, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Raising a child is really difficult, and it’s good that you’re brave enough to admit that (because ngl a lot of ppl refuse to acknowledge it). There’s a phrase about how it takes a village to raise a child, and it’s right. People, both children and adults, need a good support system. People tend to forget that parents are still humans too. They’re still individuals that deserve to have their own lives and interests and passions. You are still a person, and you still deserve to feel emotions just like the rest of us. Depression is hard as hell to deal with. Please be kind to yourself, and take time to take care of yourself too. Therapy and medication can make a world of difference. I’m pretty sure I’m running out of space, so if you want to talk to me more, you can DM me. Best of luck though regardless. *Disclaimer about my account though: no, I’m not a furry or anything like that. I can just sort of draw, and I’ve been doing art commissions to pay for university. It’s a fairly common practice for artists to make a couple k off NSFW art, and since I’m a high risk person for dying of COVID and I like breathing, I picked art as my distance job during this nightmare.


crazy-bisquit

Thank you, lots of great tips here. My heart is really warmed by all of the great comments.


Ann_Summers

I’m so sorry. I’m the mom of an ADHD kiddo too. She just turned 18 and it has been a fucking rollercoaster for sure. Still is. She has said all the things your son has, and more. I have to remind myself that it’s the ADHD and the hormones talking and not her actual feelings. We also have a 13 yo girl and a 6 yo boy and I would move the world for my kids, but I do hate being a parent sometimes. It’s so exhausting and thankless and mentally taxing. I struggle with anxiety, depression and OCD and trying to manage that and my kids and their hormones and tempers and mental health issues gets to be too much sometimes. I’m sending you big giant mom internet hugs. You are not alone. I wish more moms felt comfortable admitting that sometimes being a parent sucks and it’s not fun. I wish the world made it easier for us to be honest about our struggles.


RocketSauce28

When it comes to homework, be careful with how you handle it. My parents resorted to taking away my xbox and grounding me, which only led to me spiralling more and more into depression as the things I actually enjoyed doing were stripped away and I felt dumber and dumber in school. It can be hard to be motivated to do school work, especially at that age. In the end, his mental health is far more important than school work is. Try and work with him and get to the root of the problem as to why he isn’t doing his schoolwork rather than taking away things he enjoys. What you might see as lazy could very well be a struggle to get motivated despite him trying his hardest And especially be careful with taking away video games. I see a lot of comments saying to do that, but video games were a powerful coping mechanism for me. At times where I felt lost, hopeless, or upset I could escape into these virtual worlds that provided a time where I could be in control when I usually couldn’t and enjoy myself. Don’t allow him to spend immense amounts of time on them when there are other things that need to be done, but definitely don’t take them away all together.


valley_G

I feel this in my soul. I have custody of my youngest brother (6 y.o.) who also has ADHD and he literally spit food in my face tonight because he didn't like it. I got so angry I freakin cried. They struggle to regulate their emotions, which is no excuse at all, but it is a reason at least. It's definitely the hardest job I've ever done in my life and I'm hoping my kids don't end up like this when I have them.


BentPixelsLoL

Im 19, thanks for the birth control On a serious note, I’m not a parent, but I have a brother with high functioning autism, and it sucks. A lot of the pressure about him has been thrown on me, so although I’ll never know how it feels to be a parent to someone like him, I have a good taste of it. The advice thatd Id suggest to you won’t work, since I can just leave without consequences and come back once he’s calmed down. My brother is doing a lot better than he has, and I think it’s safe to say that this is the best he’s ever done. There’s always that voice in the back of my mind that keeps me on my toes around him though. If the trend is the same with most teenagers, mental illness or not, then it will get better as time goes on. I wish you the best of luck though. Stay strong


poopoobuttholes

Your son sounds exactly like how I was. I can't offer you any words of comfort since I was also a shitty brat once, but I can confidently say I've matured quite a bit (except for when it comes to choosing usernames heh) so hopefully in a couple more years, your son wil realize what a twat he's being and hopefully start mellowing out!


morsol_of_the_story

I don't know much about parenting, I've never been a parent, but i have, and still am, a kid. I can't pretend to know but I can give my two cents. I think if you have a conversation with him it could help. not as parent and child, but as an equal. a sort of conversation where both of you can express what is upsetting and listen to the other to sort this out. I wish you luck with your son and hope you have a good day :)


punkfiend443

Why any human would want kids is beyond me.


buon_natale

My childhood sucked, thanks to being ostracized and bullied all the way through elementary school. I don’t think people remember that kids are actually truly the worst, and I’d never risk putting an innocent child through the emotional hell I went through. Plus they’re a drain on your time, money, resources, and energy, and they’re the worst thing any individual can do to expand their carbon footprint. If you want a safe, healthy world for your kids, that ship has already sailed. Having children only quickens the inevitability of climate change, and in 50 years your kids are gonna be the ones dealing with a dead planet. Don’t do that to them, don’t do that to yourself, and don’t have them.


[deleted]

[удалено]


punkfiend443

Nah actually not at all difficult for me to understand. Believe it or not, I didn’t form that opinion based on this post. I didn’t wake up this morning with the belief that kids are great then read this rant and instantly change my entire view because of one parents testimony about a troubled kid. I know, this is probably a super difficult concept for you to understand.


[deleted]

[удалено]


punkfiend443

Oh wow, good one. I can tell from this convo that you must do extremely well with the womanfolk. I’m gonna go now. I really hope you get the help you so obviously need.


[deleted]

[удалено]


punkfiend443

Geez someone is projecting their insecurities hard. Go talk to a therapist bud.


antmansclone

I relate so strongly to this. Sorry it’s so hard. This sounds like a mental health issue far more than a parenting issue. People think it’s hyperbole, but that “multiple stab wounds through the heart” thing is real. Not only the pain, but also that you can’t even know who’s holding the blade.


Rainbow_Colored_Fox

I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time with your son. It sounds like you're going through a lot right now with your kiddo, and you could probably use a break. Being a parent is tough work, especially when your child is special needs. Just do the best that you can, and be sure to take time for yourself. Needing adult time doesn't make you a bad parent. Also, reach out for help if you feel you need it. You've taken a huge step here just getting off your chest what you're going through. As a parent and a step-parent, I think our kids have learned what to say or do that will hurt us the deepest. While they are much younger than we are, they are still individual people and can have one helluva mean streak, especially if they feel they're being treated unfairly. (It doesn't matter if they are or not.) If you need or want someone to talk to, feel free to DM me. I have an autistic child, one that was borderline autistic and used to throw tantrums that ended up with parents physically injured (not their fault, they just lacked the ability to express themselves due to learning disabilities.) While I don't know exactly what you're going through, I can understand the heartache and frustration.


zaftigdoobie

My parents go though similar with my sister. All the adopted kids in our family have varying degrees of ‘attachment disorder’ issues, amongst other things, even if they were adopted as a baby. Apparently they can form issues in the womb, depending how the pregnancy went. It can be that deep. I think you need to reach out to services that can offer you the right advice as how to deal with your sons behaviour issues and where they stem from etc. I looked after my sister for a week (she’s 12, I’m 40) and it nearly killed me. The emotional rollercoaster more than anything. It’s traumatic and I see how it affects my parents as they rarely get a break. I don’t have kids as I have a chronic illness and I know I wouldn’t be able to cope as a full time parent. I also feel my family need my help with the kids we already have! We all love the kids so much but we don’t always like them. Their behaviour makes no sense when they have mental issues so no matter how we try to handle it, it’s never easy or truly sorted. We just have to find a way to cope and try to control future crazy behaviour. We are in the UK and my parents get help from social workers and government services, though it’s a struggle to get them. We all need therapy and more guidance.


zaftigdoobie

Also, as others have advised, it could be something personal going on with him. Try to have a real heart to heart. Though this isn’t always possibly or doesn’t work if he can’t communicate his feelings or is embarrassed (or a compulsive liar like my sis!) But keep trying. Hopefully, he will open up a bit and this will also bond you x


lcbyri

please get him some counseling! i also have adhd and was a lot like him to my mom when i was little. (turns out i had a personality disorder too oops.) a therapist could really help!


scoochiewallace24

Not to arm chair diagnose but you sound depressed. I’ve been there


Agree_2_Disagree303

Omg I feel this fully. I have three adopted children. 14, 11 & 1. All kinship. Our 11yo struggles really bad with behavior issues. She will rage, but when she is not in rage-mode, she is the sweetest, most loving child you would know. Most people wouldn't believe us if they didn't see that side for themselves. Some adopted children can develop RAD. Maybe check into that. If you need to talk, send me a DM. I'm here for you. I struggle with the same depression and feelings you do. It's incredibly hard. Keep your head up.


dancingpianofairy

I think this would fit very well in r/childfree. And don't worry, I've seen many who have children still be welcomed! Anyway, I might be talking out of my ass here, but have you looked into Oppositional Defiant Disorder? This doesn't seem normal to me...


crazy-bisquit

I really don’t think that’s it, I have looked at that and we have done the questionnaires for the ADHD which include ODD. He is not defiant all the time- he often does things he is asked to do even if he grumbles about it. Sometimes he actually does his chores without being asked. His teachers tell me he is wonderful, well mannered, kind and respectful. Even when he would impulsively “blurt out answers” and stuff in class (pre COVID) they would call him on it and they said they could tell he was really trying very hard to do what was asked of him. He behaves for all other adults. I have never seen or heard of him being disrespectful to another adult other than his dad and I.


Benis_andvageen

Ok this is alot and my advice would be to spend some time together talking with a therapist. It can really help with family counseling. It'll help you and him be better together 😁


ReeeKiLL

I know nothing about parenting or adhd but the reaction to the Xbox being taken away seemed a bit familiar to me, I know it’s hard to regulate how much time kids spend online during the pandemic but I do know that the xbox life is highly addictive and can be extremely toxic. Many people I’ve come across in gaming have had similar reactions when losing Xbox privileges. Those that are struggling emotionally form unhealthy attachments to people online and gaming addiction to avoid reality, it’s something a friend and I discuss often both having struggled with this in the past. Not saying of course that this is the case with your son but it’s definitely something all parents should keep an eye out for because coming back from this lifestyle is hard and there are some that never will.


crystalballon

Hey, I see you have a lot of comments so you probably won't read this but if you do: I just want to tell you that I know how hard it can be. I have adhd and autism and I used to be hell as a kid. My single mom often cried because she was so hopeless about what to do with me. When I hit puberty I could be so terrible to her, it broke her heart. I would break all the rules, scream at her, call her names, and she just wanted to help me but I couldn't see that. I too told my mom I hated her but I was in a really hard place at the time, and I felt misunderstood by everyone including family, school and even friends. I got really depressed and became a monster sometimes. Please try to talk to someone, raising a kid with adhd can be tough because they have a lot of problems with controling their impulses and applying emotional regulation. It probably feels shitty for him too. Deeply inside a kid does not want to fight with his parents all the time. If you can, please find help with this. I went to family therapy with my mom for a while and it was actually very nice for both of us. And also know that this phase won't last forever. It took some years nut I am a grown up now and me and my mom are much closer now. Getting to live on my own made things a lot better. And I really do not hate her, and I don't think your son does. He's probably just a little lost.


-RayeJaye-

Ohhh my heart just breaks for you. You must feel completely defeated. You're an incredible person with remarkable strength. Nobody should have to live a tortured life; that goes to both you and your child TRUTH MOMENT: Your strategy isn't working. Find a therapist ASA that can work with you and your son individually or that can at least collaborate with a partnering therapist. But not just any therapist. Having a long profession in the world of behavior health I can tell you there are FAR MORE BAD therapists than good ones. Take time to research your options. Look at credentials Look at experience Look at reviews Narrow it down to your top choices and then make phone calls. You can interview the therapist over the phone. Ask them their philosophies, strategies and beliefs. How connected are they with relatable resources? More so, ONLY ONLY ONLY go with someone who uses EVIDENCE BASED PRACTICES.


crazy-bisquit

Yes, I’ve decided it’s time to try another therapist. Your right about finding the right one. Not just a good one- but a good fit.


Thismakesmeveryangry

As a person who was like this in my teens I have three things to say, 1 it's neither of your faults and both, family dynamics are tough. 2 look into DBT therapy, it works with families and is a great too for people with ADD, ODD and BPD. If their only 13 its probably going to get worse before it gets better but therapy really helped me a lot. 3 Personally I've found punishments never worked on me a teen, I would work around them as best I could and continue my poor behaviors, try sitting down with your kid and understanding why they feel the need to act out the way they do because odds are they struggle with their feelings more then you do and those mood swings and rage is just as jarring and confusing for them as it is you.


mamakumquat

Your son will be fine. You are doing a good job. Keep the lines of communication open. Are you able to confide in each other about your stresses?


crazy-bisquit

We talk but he won’t talk about anything deep. He won’t open up and I have tried to be a parent he can open up to.


mamakumquat

That’s ok. One day he will. Just keep doing what you’re doing and being there for him!


xoxomy

Put him in therapy. Trust me every child needs it at that age regardless of how they are. Also stop treating him like an equal. He’s 13. He’s gonna say and do crazy shit like any 13 year old. Don’t take it too seriously.


Agrarius24

at that point you could use some professional help. You're doing so much already and I'm sure your son loves you, but sometimes it takes an outside perspective too.


imgoodwithfaces

Pretty sure my 5 year old inherited my ADHD, he has been incredibly difficult lately...and his temper is awful! I completely get it. Trying to essentially "control" an uncontrollable child is exhausting.


Sweet_tea_vet

You are both doing your best. Being overloaded and burnt out is so incredibly natural and common as a parent!! Remember that he’s likely just as frustrated but maybe not as good as to communicating why (or doesn’t understand why himself.) I was a horrendous teen, I was medicated for ADD as a child but pulled off meds at around 12 and my parents didn’t connect my chronic academic and behavioral issues back to ADD. (Poor organization, bad memory retention, no executive function, difficulty learning new information.) Now I’m a very functional happily medicated adult! You will both pull through (eventually). Until then feel free to rant and scream into the void whenever you get the chance! I have a toddler that is my absolute world but let me tell you when she looks me dead in the eyes and flips the dinner I just cooked after a long day off of her high chair and onto the floor I want to send her outside to live with the nice family of possums that control our yard’s tick population. Though she would likely enjoy the lack of rules and feral lifestyle so is it really a punishment at that point? /s In the meantime while I make arrangements with the possum elders I try to remember that this little ball of hunger and rage is confused/frustrated/upset/scared 90% of the time and hasn’t developed the tools that I have to handle or understand it. So I’ll walk away when I’m overloaded, come back, and show her how to use a new tool :)


EmmaTFox131

Have u thought about getting him a counselor (if you have the ability to)? Maybe he is just struggling with his own things and experiencing them badly. Maybe if you let him see you break down he would understand the effect he is having on you, and maybe open up or apologize. Ik that when ever I heard my mom cry i felt bad and stopped.


minyanko

Okay, before I start: Parenting is really damn difficult. Your emotions are valid. You are a person with feelings and they are important. You are doing the best you can with the tools you were given. If it’s okay to ask, how do you personally handle emotion in your house? I know for me personally, my mom reacts to almost everything with anger, lectures or a combination of both. She’s also really strict with things that at the end of the day don’t really matter as much and it contributed heavily to why I have issues setting boundaries. I don’t know how to set those boundaries so now I just avoid talking to her because in my mind it’s pointless anyway because she’s just going to ignore it. It really bred a lot of resentment and anger in me that I’m not fully over and the remaining anxiety from constantly being on edge has made me lash out before because I just want to be left alone if she can’t be there for me in the ways that I need her to be. Even if you don’t react the same way, sometimes comments or little things that don’t seem very big can really impact how we view ourselves. And please don’t think I’m trying to blame you; It always might be something that someone else said or did to him. But doubt about whether or not you really love him can breed some really intense feelings and if it wasn’t addressed then those emotions can very heavily bleed into personal relationships in very negative ways. Onto my next question: Did anyone ever really, fully explain to him what ADHD is and how it can effect you on a personal level? Part of my issue with my mom came from the fact that nobody really explained to me what all of my diagnoses meant. My mom tried so hard to get us diagnosed so that she could get us accommodations and help that we needed but I didn’t understand what she thought was wrong. It just felt like she didn’t like me. And as a smaller kid, I really loved the way that I was so to feel like your mom hates you just for being you was really upsetting. I was diagnosed at like, 8 or 9 and I’m 22 now so I’ve spent years and years upset and hating myself and just generally feeling inadequate because I didn’t know how to function in society or how to process my feelings. I felt alone and sad and useless. Later on then when my mom enrolled me in classes that were supposed to help me fit in and things like that, that just made it even worse because I didn’t understand why. Again, I just felt like she thought something was inherently wrong with me. Last question: How do you show affection? Do you say that you love him? Do you hug him? Do you spend time doing things he enjoys together? My mom has never really been very lovey-dovey and I’ve always been someone that loves as borderline needs visible signs of affection so it was a real struggle to believe that she actually cared about me. One story that really sticks out to me is that I remember being introduced to a game called Animal Crossing. It probably became a way to dissociate because of what it is, but I digress. My point is that part of the game involves getting letters from your mom. I just remember wishing that my mom would write me notes or play the game with me. Try and feel out what he needs emotionally. NOT what you think he needs. I don’t know if he’ll answer questions and when I was 16 I 100% wouldn’t have because I felt like she was just looking for things to throw in my face later. Therapy is really helpful. I’ve been in it for years. Repressed emotions are like a ticking time bomb and can be extremely explosive. He’s probably felt a certain way for a long time and it’s finally culminating in a hormone-ravaged time bomb going off. Therapy for yourself can also be good and help you reflect on where things may have been a turning point and how you can help repair things. However, if you do go, I am begging you to please, for the love of all that is good and holy, actually listen to the therapist. Even if you disagree, DO NOT VOCALIZE IT in front of your child. I have vetoed every single instance of a therapist thinking about asking her to come in with me for the last 6 years because of ONE incident that basically boiled down to my mom saying that everything was in my head and that she was a great parent and I was just trying to blame her for all my issues. And she is a great parent. I love her to death but I can’t ignore what happened to make me resentful and upset. Please do not threaten to take therapy away just because you feel like they are just complaining about you. Even if they say something you really don’t want to hear, a therapist is just there to help. They want your relationship to be better. They are not there to make things worse. It is so much better if you just listen, take some time and if you need, maybe a glass of wine to reflect. If you can with those hardships now they won’t fester into something bigger. I know they’re pretty already now, but if it can help, it doesn’t hurt to try. Context that may help: My mom is a social butterfly who was a cheerleader in college and worked in the beauty industry. I was a total nerd all through school and generally like books and true crime podcasts more than people. She is aggressively neurotypical and I am aggressively neurodivergent, with a diagnosis of ADHD, Asperger’s, and some depression sprinkled on top along with a potential anxiety disorder.


crazy-bisquit

Thank you for this:) To answer your questions- We are OK with letting emotions get expressed. I have to remind my husband that it’s ok for him to be expressive- just not over-the-top disrespectful. Crying and yelling are OK. I actually got him a “feelings poster” when he was younger to help him label his feelings. He has had two therapists but he hated going. They signed off, saying he was OK and he is a really great kid. I know he is a great kid- wow I can fill pages with his good traits. But he won’t talk about his feelings to the therapist. And yes. We are very affectionate in our house. Lots and lots of hugs. We say “I love you” a ton. We have lots of silly time- I like to be a big goof ball and get him to laugh when he is upset or mad. We spend time together, not as much as we used to because of teen stuff. When he is not pissed at me he has fun with me. Dad is also very affectionate and says “I love you” but has been away a TON the last year. We praise him for things all the time. I always tell him how I love his kind and thoughtful soul. I tell him I am proud of the kind of person he is. I have to find a way to convince him therapy is OK- it’s nothing to be ashamed of like he somehow thinks. My husband sees one- I have been to one. Maybe going together will be an easier thing to sell. But I think I’m going to have to insist. And meds too. We will have to fine one that works that he doesn’t hate.


minyanko

Just trying to help! Honestly it ended up being good for me to write that stuff out because some of those things I haven’t actually processed very well, so thanks for asking the question! It looks like y’all have a really good foundation. You’re trying super hard and it really shows in your answers. And honestly sometimes it isn’t anything that anybody did or anything like that; so the only other thing that I can think of is that maybe he needs some kind of outlet for his feelings or frustration? Personally these days I’ve been doing a lot of knitting but that would probably be super boring for a 16 year old guy. I’m not an expert by any means but several of the guys that I have talked to about general mental differences ended up with some kind of punching bag? One would tape a picture of whatever was frustrating them on it and just go to town. A cartoon school building was evidently a common feature.


I_am_dean

You're doing great! I have no idea what you're going through, I have 2 daughters, 2 years old and 6 months. Obviously the 2 year old is a hellion, I can only imagine the teenage years. You're not being too harsh, you're doing the best with what you have. Also the hurtful things he says are pointless, when I was a teen I was a shithead and said anything and everything to hurt my parents. I never meant any of it, I just knew what really hurt them. I'm 29 now and best friends with my parents, hang in there!


Demon_Slayer_9

Now I need to go tell my parents I love them


WagyuPizza

I can somewhat relate to your child. I remembered that I got angry really easily. I will always clench my fist and start crying. I was an emotional angry ass kid. I’m ashamed to admit this but I took pleasure in destroying things and also inflicting self harm by punching wall and floor. The satisfaction that comes with destruction and the pain that comes from self harm. It took my mind off from my anger. My parents were not harsh 24/7. My mom would be worried sick about me, telling me that I can’t go destroy things etc. Then, I read a post saying “for every time you feel like destroying things, grab a hammer and few nails and just hammer away at the wooden fence. Once you’re done and calm, pull those nails out and take a look at the fence. What was once a pristine wooden fence is now riddled with holes that you put. Every action you take, there’s consequences you have to bear.” That struck a cord deep within me. That helped me with my anger issue but also created a new one. By bottling up my emotions. Dealing with bottled emotions is a lot easier than physical action. What I want to say is, you’re doing a great job. Work with your kid, not against him. Listen to him but also let him know the consequence of his action. Draw a clear line. Help guide him until he realizes his actions. He needs to wake up on his own from his action and you can help guide him, but not directly wake him up. Not sure how much this could help you but I hope it does, even if it’s a tiny bit. Good luck OP!


toffiie

man I'm gonna show this to my aunt and tell her why I never want kids. she's absolutely adamant that I will change my mine but I never will


aliblue225

Oh that's hard stuff. I'm sorry you're going through it! Just here to empathize. It will very likely get so much better.


manofnoego

I'll say it simply. You're overthinking it. And by 'overthinking,' what I mean is that you are making the common mistake of putting too much importance on your thoughts, thinking you ought to be able to know everything and control everything. Once you realize that you can't do everything, you stop trying. Once you stop trying to do the impossible, the struggling with needless worries will stop, and you will be able to stay focused on enjoying doing the things you can. You will also realize that kids aren't very complicated beings, once you can learn to put yourself in their shoes. You were a kid yourself, once, so what you can do is to remember that feeling. You don't have to read too much into what everyone is saying, not even what I'm saying, not even what you yourself are saying. Learn to communicate with feelings, rather than relying on language all the time. You'll do fine.


Drpinkjoy

Sometimes coming home to the Xbox can be really great if you’re having a rough day week , month or even year. But sometimes it can be a real big distraction. I’m not sure what to say about parenting but I know from my own experience, using it as a tool for a reward after doing something I NEED to get done feels more fulfilling


PB-n-Jam

I just wanted to say that I feel like I I could have written this six months ago. My son literally smashed his desk to pieces. We were all scared of his angry outbursts and were just totally miserable. For myself, I realized that I was have serious anxiety and saw a doctor. He put me on a very low dose of anti anxiety meds (just took the edge off and allowed me to cope better). I downloaded the Calm app and started to use it religiously. I started walking every night. Hubby and I made a point of asking my son to go for a walk and respecting him if he said no. We also brought out the board games. Simple ones that were easy to play and quick to win. After awhile, he began to say yes to the walks which allowed us to talk with him. We talked more when we played games. Then we began to ask him about ways he could be more constructive with his anger. Its still not easy but it is soooo much better. I was to emphasize that I could not have done this without handling my own anxiety. It was amazing how much better I felt once I started to put my mental health first. I hope you are having a better day today.


crazy-bisquit

Thank you I am:) Glad things improved for you too:)


hotheadironfistqueen

I've never been in your position, but I have been an ADHD kid (now an ADHD adult) and I still grieve for all the things I made my mother go through, specially because of my impulsivity. Despite my mother being a therapist, I never received psychological or pharmaceutical intervention for my ADHD. What my mother *did* do for me was get me a reflex bag (punching bag with a spring at the base that comes back to you when you hit it) and some boxing gloves. I had the horrible tendency of destroying things when I was upset (more often hitting myself, though), hence the generous gift. Overall, I used it when I felt like using brute force on something or on myself. However, just working out with it on a daily basis helped me stay calmer when difficulties did arise. To this day, boxing drills are something I do to manage the fact that I am impulsive by nature. I understand if the purchase isn't within your possibilities, but perhaps you and your family could help make a bag for him out of sand and spare cloth? Either way, I hope things get better for you all. Sending hugs.


crazy-bisquit

Thank you! Someone else mentioned that and we actually used to have one. I forgot all about it, and I am getting one- this time not as cheap of one so it will last longer. :)


nibadeyy

my brother is similar to your son. Family therapy and therapy in general would help a lot with this situation. I hate my brother with a raging passion because of all the struggle that he has caused to me and my family but at the end he just needs help himself. I do believe that if he had had therapy he wouldn't have turned out to be that way. Oh and also never take things away from your son. I don't really know but those kind of punishments don't help at all when you have adhd. They just make you feel worse for not doing the thing you were supposed to do thus making you feel incredibly unmotivated. With Adhd it can be such a struggle to get things done, especially when you're missing a routine. So maybe help your son with that and try to be more patient but also communicate about how you're feeling and ask him about how he's feeling about not doing his Homework. Also I recommend you to inform yourself about how you should raise a child with adhd because usually normal raising methods don't work well with us. Good luck you too. Just don't give up on your son and try to change the situation


8to24

Children's brains are still forming and hormonally their bodies are changing. Reasoning with a teen is literally akin to reasoning with a drunk person or someone high on crack cocaine. Evolutionary speaking until very recently a teen was basically an adult out living their own life. Instead of tantrums thrown towards those around them their energy would be exhausted in continuous bouts of trial and error. Anger doesn't help make a crop grow, frustration doesn't improve ones spear throwing ability, etc. Things like sarcasm, whining, pouting, etc simply aren't useful. A teen would be humbled by life and forced to adopt discipline. It is in a teenager nature to challenge their parents, seek independence, and be stubborn. Success v Failure being the primary factors forming their personalities. I think any peer related activity is great for displacing teen angst. Things like sports and clubs put teens in an environment among each other where performance is Paramount. A teen must come outside their own psychosis and cooperate to be successful. Parents also can't help. Ultimately it's on the team to perform. Removing the baby blanket is important. The early kids are out in programs the better. If a kid makes it to being a teen having never been in a program they might be too self focus and terrified to try. Ultimate stress, failure, fear, embarrassment, etc are important markets to created self awareness. Victory without defeat lacks context.


robobreasts

Man I used to *love* being a dad so much... until the oldest was 12-13 and became such a shit. I'm in the process now of leaving the "fun dad" stuff behind and being "strict dad." Trying to be understanding to their feelings and give them the things I never had as a child seemed like a good idea, and maybe it was back in the day, but I'm getting better results from being a hardass than being understanding. Which is a shame, I really really HATE being a strict hardass parent, it's not at all what I want to be doing, but it's the only thing that works. They deny it, the oldest says punishment doesn't motivate them, stresses them out, makes them unhappy, doesn't help them... but that's all bullshit. It's the ONLY thing that has worked. Encouragement, positive reinforcement, rewards... there was no end to what they'd take, and feel entitled instead of grateful. So I've abandoned getting any fun and affection for a while, but I wasn't anyway any more, so I might as well be the hardass that gets them to ACT respectful, even if they don't feel respect, gets them to do their work when they'd rather play, etc. We'll see how it goes.


snowdogmom

Is he in therapy? Sounds like it's time for therapy. Or boot camp...


[deleted]

I don’t think you should be asking Reddit for advice on parenting. Especially when about half of these comments don’t even have children of their own. But that’s just my opinion, you do you


SaveMeClarence

I’ve ranted about parenting issues on Reddit more times that I care to admit. Better to release it to the void than to unleash it on your child.


crazy-bisquit

Yes!!


[deleted]

Yes that’s fine. But don’t ask for advice to a bunch of people that haven’t got a clue about what they’re talking about. I don’t have a problem with the post I have a problem with OP asking for input on how to raise a child to a bunch of people that have never raised a child.


Korzag

This is r/rant. It's where we come to scream into a box.


[deleted]

Yet OP asked questions about parenting to a bunch of people that obviously don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. I don’t think Reddit is the right place to go and ask questions about parenting.


Korzag

I think those questions were rhetorical and not actually looking for advice. It'd be like me working on a car and asking if I'm an idiot for starting a job I have no idea how to do while complaining about it.


crazy-bisquit

You are correct:) it was rhetorical- or just questions Inas myself. Thanks for coming to my defense, kind internet stranger. :)


[deleted]

Yeah you’re probably right I must have read it differently. Also that end piece was 10/10


kostblind

No offense, but it seems that you failed your job as a parent.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sweet_tea_vet

I can assure you that a wise man did not say this.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sweet_tea_vet

Pt 2. The remix


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sweet_tea_vet

Children aren’t solvable. They are people, they’re scared and confused and don’t know how to deal with things the way we do. They’re going to make mistakes, they’re going to get angry. You have to help them understand why they feel that way and how to tackle it *together*. Sure you can hit them or take their things away, but that only solves your problem. It makes the unpleasant thing go away for you. It doesn’t teach your child how to navigate those feelings in the future, only to keep them locked away or suppress them so they don’t disappoint you. Reasonable consequences, therapy, and support are the best ways to combat this behavior. No parent is perfect, no person has it 100% figured out. That’s fine, we are all just trying to figure it out. Even 13 year old boys.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sweet_tea_vet

L o l l l l l l l A. I’m a parent B. I didn’t graduate high school, I had substance abuse issues and had to be tutored my entire school career. I was in therapy most of my young life and was homeless for one year. I didn’t need a dad, because I had (and still have) an amazing perfect wonderful dad. I also have a mom. What I didn’t have was the proper medication and understanding for chronic issues surrounding ADD. I was medicated as a child but taken off due to a lack of knowledge about ADD in those years. I thought that I was defective and couldn’t be changed. I thought I was a dumb student and a bad kid. One high school diploma (had to go back and finish) extensive therapy and 5 year active duty enlistment later I’m now a full time college student on the perfect ADD dosage. Never assume you know someone’s story before you’ve taken the time to consider they may have one.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sweet_tea_vet

*Neat*


Sweet_tea_vet

Also, “you’ve never dealt with this behavior”. Your idea of dealing with that behavior is your own teenage experience? Any adult alive has been a teenager. By that reasoning any adult in this thread has the same qualifications and experience that you do.


yumikat

I was like him but then I got diagnosed as having thyroid problems and the pills they gave me for it toned me down to a tamed kid. Maybe there's an underlying issue besides Adhd like something doctors can't see. Not saying he has thyroid problems I'm only saying he might have something else on top of it. Maybe it has to do with his diet, does he have chocolate or candy that might actually feed into his rage moments? Cause I know a lot of sugar can really hype up a person especially if they're kids. Anything at this rate before trying to take him to someone and spending hundreds of dollars. But if nothing works then you can take him to the doctors. Specifically no clinic doctors since they only do the basics.


spinningspaniard

If a parent has a breakdown from the stress of parenting unruly kids, do the kids suddenly shape up?


crazy-bisquit

No- hasn’t worked yet ;)


TrumpsSpaceForce

https://southpark.cc.com/video-clips/umqsd7/south-park-drug-free-treatment


tinytrolldancer

OP, I don't know if this was suggested but I thought it couldn't hurt. Your child is a bit older then the one in this story but the principal is the same, a safe space for him to decompress from those feelings. ​ https://www.fatherly.com/news/this-moms-time-out-alternative-went-viral-on-tik-tok/


HonestDeath

You need to call the police and demonstrate consequences because eventually, if you let this violent behaviour continue he will hurt you or others in relationships violently


b333ppp

He needs to holiday in the Congo to know what privilege really means.


crazy-bisquit

Actually, when I worked holidays my husband has taken him to volunteer at the mission. He sees homeless people all over the streets in Seattle, and he has a lot of empathy for them. When people are begging on the corner, we give them protein shakes and water; and he has taken the initiative to be generous like this. So thanks, I really get where you are coming from, but that’s not it.


Dean-Advocate665

Sound like a bad parent to me