T O P

I realized that narcissists have a certain pattern when confronted

They will try to dismiss your complaint and try to punish you for not accepting their abusive behaviour. They never see themselves as the bad guys.

But at the same time the worst thing you can do is trying to be agreeable with one of them.

AutoModerator

**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*


NoxVrana

Absolutely not, they did it “for your own good” or “meant well” which supposedly should make everything okay, right? Wrong. They will never take responsibility, so you better grieve about this fact an move on as much as you can. Also about patterns of narcs when confronted check out some info on the DARVO method. Essentially Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Edit: typo


ncb0322

Agreed. The relationship itself is just a game to them (and you are just a toy).🤔 The only way to win is, not to play.🤷‍♂️ Accept that relationship as lost and move on.😭


aguiadesangue

>Absolutely not, they did it “for your own good” or “meant well” which supposedly should make everything okay, right? My parents never cared about keeping a facade of good parents, they know they suck as parents.


NoxVrana

I’m so sorry. Hope you manage to get your life in order after their devastation.


50SLAT

Honestly, that parental awareness. 🧐 that’s unusual for narcs. Maybe they aren’t full blown narcs, in part just abusive a holes, and just have strong Narc tendencies? Narcs I know, accept blame for NOTHING


aguiadesangue

>Narcs I know, accept blame for NOTHING My parents dont accept blame. My mom gets pissed when i try to have a serious talk with her and my father would just mock me and treat me like a child. ​ My Nmom accept that she never was suitable to be a mother, but thats it. I cant pin any of my traumas on her or else she will lash out


50SLAT

Ugh 😑 that’s rough. Taking accountability is the only way to Grow and Evolve. And it feels good eod. So it sounds like, they won’t.


Glad_Slip_1260

“wHeN dId i sAy/dO tHat? 😨😨😨😡” (knowing full fucking well exactly when they said/ did it)


[deleted]

Hate this sooo much!


Social_Joe

Mine got mad I refuse to enter their house due to prior confrontations even after I reminded her a few years back they told me I wasn't allowed in their home which she now acts like never happened. 😑


[deleted]

Never negotiate with terrorists.


florencesusi

And after vehement denial, they will blame YOU.


[deleted]

Oh it’s ALWAYS your fault, no matter what the situation is. Ugh, makes my blood boil.


florencesusi

O yes. Always.


Revolutionary-Ad9144

Yep, it gets twisted on you, so that you’re now ungrateful or over sensitive. They try to make themselves the victim. You calling them out becomes a vicious attack on them. They are incapable of listening and learning. They can’t just accept fault Like everyone else and try to do better. If you criticise them or call them out, you’ll earn their eternal wrath. They’ll never let you forget it, and they’ll portray you as an abusive villain to anyone who’ll listen. It’s messed up.


Social_Joe

Absolutely nailed it. Story of my life.


daisiesinthepark

Lmao my dad literally ignored my message when I tried to hold him accountable and replied with, “I hope you’re having a great day ❤️” fuck off


ProllyManic

My mom did this and then sent me a “happy Valentine’s Day”.. like??? Currently ignoring her


50SLAT

Yikes. Parent writes that? Wow that’s messed up


daisiesinthepark

I wish I was joking 🫠 sometimes I wish I could send him my therapy bill


50SLAT

F babies raising babies. Same here. I’m sorry.


[deleted]

Same. He ignored my email where I laid out everything he had done to hurt me and what I needed from him to move forward (amends, an apology, and for him to go to therapy). I even told him I was blocking his email and why. Then a month later, I got an email from a new email address he had created. It said "why are you being so distant?" Yikes.


vere-rah

I told my nmom, in very careful and neutral words, that my perception was that she wasn't very interested in me or my life. She immediately launched into a tirade about how I don't share and I gave up on our relationship and she doesn't want to "offend or pry" by asking me, you know, basic questions about my life. Luckily I was only communicating with her by text so I have it all on record. Now I'm NC and I can read her words to remind myself that she simply doesn't care.


aguiadesangue

My mom is like that too. Doesnt matter how well i choose my words.


raisedbyappalachia

Yes! Look up DARVO. They all use the same defenses and they all are full of BS


UnderAStarrierSky

"I never said that," "You're making that up," "You never want to talk to me," "You always act like you're afraid to ask questions," Or my personal favorite, when watching TV shows about shitty parents "at least I'm not that bad," and then they are actually 1000x worse.


ProllyManic

This is so textbook exactly my mom that it’s scary. She would say the “at least I’m not that bad” a lot growing up


UnderAStarrierSky

My abuser said all of those things and more when she was raising me. Kinda crazy how they do these like, mental gymnastics to try and convince themselves that their treatment of you was justified.


[deleted]

I'm not sure if my mom is more BPD or NPD, cause she's more covert and waify for the most part but this is one of the things she does when called on her past behavior and it makes me want to scream. Claims she doesn't remember the infraction, whimpers and sniffles that she's sorry while acting like a kicked dog and says she guesses she must've just been "crazy" back then, then carries on about how she's a victim too so you'll comfort her which I haven't done in a long time. So since that doesn't work she'll choose something to watch and she'll nitpick the parenting if there's any, pick something out that's so miniscule compared to the bullshit she's done, and say in a little girl voice, "at least I was never that bad..." I just have to walk out. And I just loooove it when she goes on self righteous rants about how the characters in whatever crap she's watching or even in real life are such awful parents when she'll have literally done the same thing or worse, and she just has zero self awareness. I used to point it out but it'd either end in her having petulant tantrums, denial, waifing and crying, or even her doing this weird glazed over fish eyed expression like she's rebooting or something and she won't even remember you saying it a few minutes later. Bizarre.


Lower_Entrance3119

Lolll my mom literally like shuts down and ignores me when i try to have adult conversations about shit she did and never takes any type of responsibility for anything, it’s always a pitty party or someone else’s fault


CSW07

It's so crazy how common this is! I swear it's like I'm talking to a child whenever I used to talk about the things that were said / done to me.


aguiadesangue

mine too


luckyme1315

You can never win with them. You’ll never be right because they can never admit when they’re wrong, they’re too intellectually immature to be able to do that. The best is to walk away. It’s really the only option to conserve your sanity. Even though they’ll try to punish you for that also. After a while they get bored.


42kinda-human

Can't believe no one has posted the Narcissist's prayer yet: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.


[deleted]

Yes. Another one is them getting silent when u put them in their place bc they know you're right.


vivi112

Those can be best moments of peace tbh, especially if it lasts days.


nothxthx

My mom literally believes if she cries the hardest and loudest, she is the victim. No matter what happened. She's pulled such all-out woe-is-me dramatic crying so many times that I don't believe any of her displays of sadness to be genuine anymore.


annagator679

Very true That's why I stopped confronting my ndad Last time I did I got my neck grabbed


BOImarinhoRJ

If you don´t comply they will scream. If the scream don´t work thy will try to fight you even if you are double their size. If you scream back or hit them they will blame you you for it searching for the guilty spot. All the time, all narcs even if it´s a brother or cousin.


[deleted]

My mother will say things, then 5 minutes later claim she never said it. When it comes to my long list of alleged disappointments, she remembers with shocking clarity


UnrepentantDrunkard

My Mom brings up that I had everything I materially needed as a child when I bring up past or present behaviour that I don't like ie having me spuriously diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in my mid-teens to feel like she won when my paternal grandmother (a retired special education teacher with a degree in psychology, whom my Mom doesn't like) said there was nothing all that wrong with me or making racist (including about my son's mother's ethnic group) or insane political comments.


OdoG99

It's the gaslight and narcissistic-rage combo. Just don't corner a narc, they will burn everything down to maintain their false self image.


EnsignEmber

“I nEvEr SaId ThAt” god what I’ve give to have receipts and even then she’d say that was out of context or I was modeling abusive behavior from someone else smh


The_Conqueror1

"When did I say that ?" , "When did I do that?" , "You are making stories." It's always my fault. They will even forget the things they did to me minutes ago. If I ask that why did they do that they will deny it no matter what. I am always the bad guy. Few days ago I stood up for myself and I confronted my nfather and he screamed at me so loud that it triggered me ( I cried ) and he threatened me that if I say anything against him then he will call our neighbours and relatives and blame everything on me by calling me I am ungrateful and spoiled.


rainbow_enby

There'd is a name for this. It's called DARVO. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender


AbbreviationsTrue677

"I'm sorry that's how y o u took it"


Fun_Detective9828

literally this, in my case more "I'm sorry that's how you took it, but that wasn't my intention." EVERY SINGLE TIME I have a problem. I'm accused of twisting words, nitpicking and overanalyzing, when trying to explain why something was hurtful. It always turns into: not my intention = not my problem it hurt your feelings = I don't need to change and you need to give more grace when you interpret what I said/did to you. It is so subtle and frustrating to even agree on the same reality of my subjective experience.


shade_blackwolf

What you describe is classic Darvo. First they deny there was ever a problem. If they can't deny it's your fault anyway, and if you don't accept it was your fault you're obviously harrassing and abusing them.


slinkyhotdogs

My mother's favourite gaslight when she was discovered being a treacherous hag.."anything I've said is the truth" whilst giving absolutely no clue as to what she's said about me to whoever, I think it's because she's said that much about me she can't remember. It also leaves me mindfucked and going over everything in the past year I've said. She's an evil genius.


SJW_CCW

My dad to a t


ConnectionGuy2022

So true, you nailed it.


theyshotbob

"I was trying to help." and 'You're so sensitive." And there is never any hint of an apology; they just don't care


MuuhRenai

Never. I've never thought about this, but seeing my parents for more than 18 years they never thought they were wrong, they rarely said things like "oh I made a mistake but it's because I'm not perfect". But not like a reasonable person do and truly apologize.


League_Major

Yeah I’m pretty sure my brother is a narcissist, he thinks he’s the best he manipulates you he can dish out jokes and insults yet can’t handle it when you do the same to him or something he doesn’t like that he does to you, when it comes to chores he complained about how much I had to do and makes my mum give me more chores by making it look like why I do is less work giving him a huge workload and it’s tiring, I love my bro but he’s just so difficult


No-Conference-6242

Ah, my ex did this. Somehow when i plucked up courage to say I was upset, she would flip it on me and start to cry, claim she didn't know she had hurt me blah blah blah. Yet nothing actually changed Very glad I got out


BurnerSanders12345

That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. The Narcissist's Prayer (by Dayna Craig)


PleaseBeFree2017

I agree


IamFreeatlast

My Dad : "why do all my children make up stories about me in their heads and turn me into an ogre?" Me: face / palm


Latter-Ad9590

DARVO: Deny the wrongdoing; Attack the accuser(s); Reverse Victim and Offender (accuser is now wronging the accused).