A local supermarket has a Mitch Hedberg quote hanging above the checkout line.
By - P_Kordus
I keep ordering club sandwiches, and I'm not even a member! I don't know how I get away with it.
Instead of cutting the sandwich one time, let's do it again. 4 little triangles.
How about little frilly toothpicks?
IM FOR EM
I like alfalfa sprouts on my sandwiches
Well you're not in the fuckin club!
"You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show."
"I like an escalator, because an escalator can never break, it can only *become stairs*"
“Sorry for the convenience.”
It is 2021 and I still say this every single time I happen upon a broken escalator
I used to say it all the time. I still do, but I used to too.
*Upgrade to premium stairs for only 39.99/month!*
*EA wants to know your location*
World of Stairs, you start with one rickety wooden plank and it takes you 50 years to work your way up unless you spend your life savings.
Escalator was broken today at the Chattanooga aquarium. Said this line while walking up the stairs and only got dirty looks. Haha.
How often do you happen upon a broken escalator?
This joke always resonated with me because I sincerely hate escalators. First, because I have an irrational fear of getting caught in one and having my body gloved. Second, I always take the stairs anyway because they are faster. The only time I ever use an escalator is when I have a large checked bag at an airport. Otherwise, I'm smugly walking up the steps at a while passing people taking the adjacent escalator.
No joke though, I'm terrified of those silent death traps.
I love the walking ones in airports though. Feel like Superman
Then the hearty half-jog for a step or two to slow back down to mortal speed.
“Not a year goes by, not a year, that I don’t hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid, which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don’t care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.”
That kid is back on the escalator again!!!
I think it's natural selection at work. Thank you escalators.
There’s a great escalator scene in *The Final Destination*. And by great i mean don’t watch it.
You don’t need a movie. There’s a half dozen or more very gruesome real escalator deaths that were captured on video. Mostly in Asia, IIRC. Mitch Hedberg clearly didn’t see these videos. Stairs collapsing, people falling into the machinery, people crushing other people. Some shit I wish I’d never seen. Real eye bleach needing material. But then, I grew up with a cop and a nurse. Used to ride with my Dad occasionally. First dead person I saw at like 10 yoa was someone who hit a telephone pole and had a steering column sent through their thoracic cavity.
TL;DR - Escalators can hurt you badly even if you do everything right and I’m probably a little warped at this point.
Edit: added "needing"
Degloved but yeah gross
You can walk up the escalators too. Then it's twice as fast as the stairs.
The video of that woman getting swallowed by an escalator is the stuff of nightmares.
The one of the mom falling in while saving her kid or a different one?
I heard it in his voice:(
*There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. (crowd laughs)*
I like Texas toast. Except for I do not own a Texas toastER. You have to stuff that shit in.
I did a show at the Improv after my show they added an E
One time I was at a show and the improv sign was written in gold letters. After the show they couldn't pay me so I stole the M. Because I feel like it would be worth the most.
dear lord what a joker I wish I couldve seen him live, he was ahead of his time.
I saw him (and Brian Regan) right before he died. He was a mess on stage. I won't go into details but I didn't get the Mitch we all know and love. Such a bummer for so many reasons. I fucking love the guy, still.
Yeah, I imagine between some drugs and his immense stage fright, some shows wouldn’t hold up.
> he was ahead of his time
As much as I loved Mitch, his style of 1-liners with little to nothing attaching one to the next, strung together like that is actually the opposite of ahead of his time, it's something that was super-popular like 100 years ago.
Mitch did a great job of bringing that style back from the dead and putting his twist on it.
God, I loved how he wouldn't let a joke breathe, if there wasn't an immediate reaction, he'd shit on the quality of his own joke. So great.
"I carry a pad with me and when I think of a joke I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny."
I wrote a script. They said that I needed to rewrite it. I said fuck that, I'm just making a copy.
One of my absolute favorites
[I am not making a banana bread, pastrami, cottage cheese sandwich](https://youtu.be/Cmp5e_orPLs)
He did a lot of food material, so a supermarket or grocery store could have a whole range of these signs.
"Saved by the buoyancy of citrus."
"I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread."
"I had a Mr. Pibb, Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper... but it's the bullshit replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree."
"They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that."
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
"Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps."
“Snap crackle Mitch and pop!”
And “That’s a ‘fresher’. I’m goin on break.”
- probably my very favorite food-related ones, something about his delivery (in general) kills me evvvvery time!
*You may have seen this next comedian at THE STORE*
Came a long way from, "the only way I could get my last CD in stores was to take one in there and leave it"
"Uh, sir, you left this."
"No I did NOT. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."
> He did a lot of food material
Only 3 CD's worth of material, one was released after his death by his wife. All 3 are very good though.
He has a grocery store joke and this store really missed a golden opportunity.
"I went to the store and bought eight apples. The clerk said, "Do you want me to put them in a bag?" I said, "Oh no, man, I juggle."
Between Hedburg and Gaffigan, they can probably get most of the store.
Frozen Foods should just have a picture of Gaffigan hanging at each end, dressed in winter clothing, clearly suffering from the weather.
...John Pinette joins the chat
"I think Pringle's original business plan was to make tennis balls. And then they received a whole shipment of potatoes. But Pringle's is a laid back company. They said 'Fuck it! Cut 'em up!'"
Edit: Found another one -
"I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store and stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see like turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Someone should tell the turkeys 'Man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals. You've got your own thing going. I used to draw you.'"
I just love that last line "I used to draw you" I can still hear it in his delivery.
That line sealed the whole joke for me. Such a fucking classic.
With my hand...
And his giggle.
Its so funny reading these. You just know how he would say it. It's impossible to read it without hearing his voice and his cadence.
Of all my favorites, this one is my favorite:
“I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'."
That, to me, is even worse in a way.
Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions.
It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up.”
>I used to draw you
Thank you for introducing me to this golden nugget of Mitch that I've not heard before.
My grandma still has my hand turkey drawing from when I was like 5-6
Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here…
Under "D"... for doughnut
I like candy bars from vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. Often times when I buy a candy bar in a store I drop it, so it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
I want a vending machine machine to order vending machines, it would have to be real fucking big
It would be so fucking literal!
I want to see a forklift carrying a crate of forks.
"maximum flavor potential" that's great
I’m against picketing but I don’t know how to show it
A guy once asked me did I want a frozen banana. I said no!
But I do want a regular banana later, so yes
A guy told me he liked cherries but i waited to see if he was gonna say tomato, before i realized he liked cherries just…
Alright that shits ridiculous. That’s like a carbon copy of the original joke, but with different ingredients.
This reminds me of a couple of real-world office jokes/anecdotes:
I'd like it if people don't Reply All to emails, but I don't know how to tell everyone about it.
And: Someone once campaigned to reduce our reliance on Powerpoint/Keynote, but their movement struggled as they couldn't find an effective way to get their ideas across.
In the frozen foods isle:
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana... I said no, but I might want a regular banana later, so yeah"
I had an ant farm once, them fellas didn't grow SHIT!
I don’t know why but this one always had me rolling.
I told the waitress I wanted the chicken, but she must have misheard me because she asked how i wanted my eggs.
So I said I would like them fertilized, then incubated, then hatched, then grown, then slaughtered, then butchered, then cooked.
... aww fuck it that’ll take too long. I’ll have the soup.
I’ve heard him tell that but instead at the end it goes that’ll take too long...... SCRAMBLED
Yes!!! This one is my fav!!
Sprite's slogan is "it's just lemon and lime." I tried to make it at home and there's more to it than that. "Hey, you want some homemade sprite?" "Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"
My partner routinely quote 'Not till you figure what the fuck else is in it' line when we're cooking things or asking each other if they want us to get something for them.
If I am ever in the water and I am drowning, I will reach for a lime. Saved by the buoyancy of *citrus*
Mitch used to be one of the best...he still is too.
“I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.”
One time, I saw this wino eating grapes. I said, "Dude, you have to wait!"
They say the recipe for Sprite is "lemon and lime" but there's more to it than that...
Want some more homemade Sprite?
Not 'till you figure out what the FUCK else is in it!!
Sometimes, I think of something funny and I have to write it down. But if the pen and paper are too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of, ain't, funny.
We got spaghetti! And blankets.
But we are not affiliated with that fuckin' clown.
I wonder how Mitch would feel about having his jokes hanging in a supermarket
Seemed like a cool guy. Probably would have gotten a kick out of it.
"This one time, I was in a grocery store in Wisconsin, and they had one of my jokes on a sign. They didn't even ask my permission. Joke's on them, it's not even my best food joke; I like the donut receipt one the most."
Man, I can totally see him saying this! RIP
There's a quote of his about just wanting to be quoted, with his name after a dash.
So I'm going say he'd be all for it
He's probably be against it, or for it, or somewhere in between.
Always said more people have probably seen him at the store.
Searcing party for 4. No one eats until we find the Dufranes!
Who can eat at a time like this?! People are missing and worse they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy
First time hearing “You can eat when you find the Dufranes” is still one of the hardest I’ve ever laughed at anything. RIP Mitch.
I miss Mitch.
I used to miss Mitch.
I used to but I still do too
I bet Mitch would be really happy to know people were making this joke about him 16 years after his death. That one hell of a legacy to leave behind.
I just read Mike Birbiglia’s new book and he mentioned his friend Mitch passing at 37 so it made me look him up and then I became sad again realizing it’s been that much time already 😥
Mitch is by far the best comedian I have ever seen live. I've seen guys like Seinfeld, Carlin, Steven Wright, Chappelle..but nobody hit me like Mitch did.
I miss Mitch all together.
He left us way too soon.
Mitch or Mitch all together?
I have Sirius radio and listen to thecomedy channel. Whenever he comes up, I have to be so careful in traffic because I’m afraid I’m gonna laugh so hard I’ll hit another car or miss the traffic light.
Sir, you have one of my rooms. Are you aware? Please don't decorate it.
Fuck you, real estate lady.
This bedroom has an oven in it!
This bedroom is in that guys house
Sometimes I'll throw a potato in the oven even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows?
I used to do drugs…..
I still do, but I used to, too.
This quote is hanging above the pharmacy in the same store.
My FedEx guy is my drug dealer and he don't even know it.
And he’s always on time
"I'm addicted to heroin, I can only have sex with a woman who has saved someone's life"
Damnit Mitch, it's not as funny knowing what we know now
To be fair, he was pretty vocal about his heroin addiction. He even spoke about it during sets now and then.
Edit: I can't find any footage to back up my claim. Maybe it wasn't pubic knowledge and I'm misremembering.
I used to, too
I find a ducks opinion of me is dictated by how much bread I have
Let me get the steak fajita sub. Don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck.
Ducks eat for free at Subway. Don’t bother ringing it up, it’s for a duck.
I have a girlfriend named Lyn she spells her name L-Y-N, I also have an ex girlfriend named Lynn she spells her name L-Y-N-N. Sometimes I fuck up and call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriends name.
I thought it was gonna be, "If you ever see me buying more than six oranges, fuckin' bag em up!"
I was at the store one day buying 8 apples, and the clerk asked me if I wanted them bagged up. I said no thanks, man, I juggle. But I can only juggle 8.
I use this every chance I get.
I live right by a supermarket so I'm always popping in on the way home and usually don't have a shopping bag with me. My jurisdiction charges for bags and I have too many already.
Would I like a bag? Nah man, I juggle.*
/* but I can only juggle [however many things I have]
I don’t have a Girlfriend, but I do know a lady who would be very very mad if she heard me say that.
What grocery store is it?
Festival Foods, local chain in Wisconsin.
I was unaware it was only a Wisconsin thing, and I live here haha
Festival Foods was founded in Wisconsin nearly 80 years ago, but weirdly there is a Festival Foods chain in Minnesota too (6 stores). Wikipedia's tiny article says they're not connected, but they're using the same logo as seen here: http://festivalfoods.net/locations/
So I'm thinking a franchise or they bought the name/designs to use outside of Wisconsin?
hahah i was immediately like “o shit a festival”
Is this the one in de Pere?
I thought that sign looked familiar, I've been to the Kenosha Festival a whole bunch of times
I was gonna say, this is the one on Northland in Appleton. I noticed this for the first time last year and laughed when I saw it.
The Festival near my old place in Kenosha had this sign up, too.
Looks like Festival Foods, we have them here in Wisconsin
That there is some seriously r/unexpectedmitch
I went to this vending machine to get a candy bar. The button i was supposed to push was HH. So I went to the side, found the H button and pushed it twice. Fuckin...potato chips came out! Turns out there was an HH button. I was not aware. You need to let me know! I did not learn my AA BB CCs, God God Damn it Damn it!
I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a gas station often times I will drop it, so it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one... and every one on the bottom row!"
I wanna make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It would have to be real fuckin' big
"Go around i cannot open the wall"
Festival Foods. Hello, fellow Wisconsinite
Hey fellow neighbors !
I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go.
[Man, he killed that entire set on Letterman](https://youtu.be/QljBEqzJN-M)
Man he looks so nervous and he still kills it.
He had notorious stage fright throughout his career. You can see when he starts relaxing.
Did he have a beaver in-tow? I bet beavers have some kickass houses? Lakeside? No motherfucker. Lake-on!
I got a lot of hungry ducks out here. And they all want Sun Chips!
Gone too soon
For real. I'm super curious where he would be in the world of comedy, were he alive today.
He would probably be selling out stadiums by this point, no?
He would have a very successful podcast, more than likely. A witty dude, who didn't like crowds. Perfect.
If I was in little league now I'd kick some fucking ass. This is the first joke of my joke show.
I had an ant farm when I was a kid. Fuckers didn't grow shit.
He was my favorite comedian growing up, it’s a shame he died so young!
“Don’t act like I didn’t buy that donut! I got the documentation right here...oh wait, it’s back home in the file cabinet under D for donut...cause we all know what D is” RIP Mitch!
A burrito is a sleeping bag for beef
Dammit I wish he was still alive. I’ve placed Mitch Hedberg on my list of top 3 favorite comedians of all time. The other 2 are also dead. Rip to all-Mitch Hedberg, George Carlin, and Bill Hicks.
Anywhere is in walking distance if you have the time
Edit: I’m an idiot this is a Steven Wright joke which tbf is close
This thread is nothing but people quoting Mitch Hedburg jokes, improvising Mitch Hedburg jokes or just acting like Mitch Hedburg.
10/10 best thread I've read all year. Keep up the good work boys and girls.
My lucky number is 4 billion. That doesn't help when you're gambling though. Come on 4 billion... fuck... 7... not even close I need more dice
He said he always wanted to be “dashed”. Also known as quotes.
"I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"
I like rice.
I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said "fuck it, I'll get a tan instead!"
“Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.”
“Man…every picture of you is when you were younger!”
I’ve actually used that in conversation before
I wonder how many lbs of rice that would be.
It's about a quarter cup dry
"I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it."
He did a show at the University of Oklahoma with Zach Galifianakis as his open. My friend and I had gone into one of the buildings near the stage setup (show was outside on the lawn) to use the restroom and it was completely empty besides some hobo lookin dude digging through the bin. My friend asks what he's looking for and Mitch looks up at us and goes, "I'm looking for notes. Don't you guys pass them in class anymore?" and we had to tell him that the youth had sadly moved to texting. Cool dude.
Mitch would've been so fucking good at Twitter.
*Reads all comments in his voice.*
“I threw a toothpick into a forest and said, you’re home!”
That’s amazing! I miss Mitch
Festival foods? We have one nearby and it has similar stuff
Fuck we lost him too soon. He was one of a kind.
No matter how good at tennis I get, I will never be as good as the wall.
Bigfoot is blurry!
Man he had a tough job. Imagine having to do 30 minutes of 30 second jokes...you would need to memorize tons of material. Maybe bigfoot is blurry!
Escalator temporarily stairs
Sorry for the convenience
Funny joke, still.
Festival. The local one here has the same quote, in the same place. I wonder if they all do, or if see both go to the same store.
Haha Festival Foods has a lot of those funny signs
Keepin his memory alive. Nice.
I used to like Mitch Hedberg. I still do, but I used to, too!
"If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."