My(22f) family is hell-bent on getting me married soon. I don't want to get married anytime soon. What do I do?
By - Hysterical_flamingo
Given the current situation, if you're working from home then you have no option but to stand up for yourself (maybe even at the expense of your peace of mind.)
A friend of mine is facing the same problem. Whenever her parents make her meet a guy (forcefully) she tells him outright that she doesn't want to marry and won't be able to adjust to his household or become a good wife. This has caused her parents to yell at her several times. However, she has continued to be respectful in making her opinion known to her family (I wouldn't have had the patience to do that, tbh.)
You have to be able to say "I" before you can say "I want this". You've mentioned in your post that you can't leave, so that means you have no means to keep avoiding this situation. You'll have to face it head-on.
I can understand how difficult and disappointing it is when your own family does not understand your wishes, but this decision is going to influence your entire life. Elders don't always know what's best (contrary to what we've been taught since childhood.) Please stay strong and choose your own path.
Yes, you're right. This has been the situation for the better part of the last year. I've been holding my ground but am finding it harder with each passing day. If & when I meet the guy, I will make this very clear that I am not willing to budge on the things that are important to me.
Easiest solution to be independent is find a job a bit far from your hometown or in certain big cities and move there by own. It is never easy to educate conservative families specially marwari jain for whom a good groom is basically who sits at shop and you sit at home with ghunghat.
Being said that finding good job in current situations is not too easy. Buy some time, keep rejecting on whatever basis till you can move out on your own.
We are in a good city in the south of the country. There are plenty of job opportunities so I don't want to move cities but yes, I will do whatever to buy time. May move to a friend's place for a few weeks once lockdown eases.
ask on r/twoxindia . It's sub specifically for women. Maybe they can be of more help
You'll have to distance yourself from your family, both physically and mentally. Move out and stay elsewhere - PG / rented / with friends. Early marriage is to get rid of daughters to reduce family's expenditure. If your family opposes moving out, you can accuse them of this and say you're helping them reduce expenditure. To shut them up.
It didn't work. I've explored all options. They will not let me leave but they will not let me stay here in peace either.
You can just say no politely and quickly you'll realise that they don't have any actual power over you, it's all perception.
In case they are violent, then sorry I don't have anything.
>They will not let me leave
What do you mean? You're an adult who is legally allowed to make your own choices and you are financially independent. Do you mean to say that they'll illegally detain you? Or will they stalk you and cause problems after you leave?
Hound me down and cause problems if I leave.
> They will not let me leave
Rent/arrange with friends, and just move out. Inform them after the act. Don't inform them the address.
>Early marriage is to get rid of daughters to reduce family's expenditure
Ding Ding Ding, correct answer !
You have to stand up for yourself, this is the last resort. Just tell them that you are not going to marry someone so early. If they agree then good, orelse make some arrangement to move out.
Hmm, if you're financially independent then just live on your own.
Make sure you have friends close by.
Don't divulge your family issues to work ppl/boss( especially men).
Stand up to your family, they have nothing on you.
DO NOT COMPROMISE AT ALL. and good luck :)
Edit : Bruh I'm older than you and I don't think I'm emotionally mature enough to handle marriage. And even if I were, are you kidding me? I'm not gonna watse my prime years for someone else.
At the end of the day, nothing else matters but you. If your family can't support you rn, then you don't need them. Even birds fly out their nests dude, it's only humans and indian parents in particular who bully their children into making dumbass life decisions.
Talk to your parents and take a stand. I know it's difficult. But do it, don't give up.
Wow... Ur in a really tough position... One wrong step and BAM ur married.
Few suggestion from my end -
1. If you are working from home then you can try to move near your work location and rent a place (if possible as it could be difficult if ur in same city of ur work and this situation)
2. How long do u have once have to start looking for guys fir marriage. I mean you can delay your actual marriage by taking time to know different guys(one of my friend is doing this). Just don't commit anything to him.
3. You can directly ask ur parents for 2 years or 1 year or just until this pandemic situation is over. This will buy you some time to think and find better options.
Hope this could help. DM if u wanna talk to someone.
PS. These are just my suggestion, don't want to hurt anyone's emotions here.
Tell them you won't get a good groom if you don't have MBA or something. Then go for MBA. Then don't come back.
It may sound like one, but it is not a joke answer.
If you have a job and savings, find a PG and go no-contact with your family. This might sound harsh but that's your only resort. Your only option is to leave.
Do you have any friends or family elsewhere that are ready to take you in?
I have a school friend who also comes from a very conservative family, she's currently pursuing her masters in sociology and wants to a PhD but she's afraid that her family might marry her off after her masters are over. Anyhow, I have told her that if she's ever forced to get married, she can come live with me or my mom, or any of my other girlfriends.
Anyhow, depends on where you are and if you're comfortable, I have a great a network of friends who are willing to help a fellow sister. If you just want to vent or anything, feel free to PM me.
what's PG ?
Paying guest. You rent a room/house and you get all amenities, food and all.
Be careful. If the family pays the police to go after you, serious trouble ahead. Children never know how much violence parents are willing to inflict. Btw, if you grew up poor, how can you marry rich in your clan? Ask them for two years and go abroad
I think you’ve responded to the wrong person also going overseas isn’t as easy as you think.
That's awfully sweet, thank you. :) I will reach out if I need help.
>I can't leave, I don't want to stay here.
If you don't want to get married this early in life, that too on their terms, rebel. Why do you mean by you can't leave?
Your family is conservative and I am sure no amount of logical reasoning will change their stance on what you should do with your life.
If you are financially independent, leave. If leaving is not an option because of the pandemic, rebel. Act out, take a stand for yourself and refuse to get married, however much drama it requires to get the point across.
They will call you selfish, will try to emotionally blackmail and manipulate you and might get aggressive and violent too. So, you do the same. Call them selfish, threaten to commit suicide and do whatever it takes to make them take a step back.
Edit - I know this seems extreme but sometimes it's the only way to counter a conservative family. It's a tried and tested solution.
You get away from the problem now and establish boundaries or keep submitting to your family's countless toxic expectations in the future. You don't need to be a "good daughter", you only need to be a human who has worth.
I am putting up a fight but this has been happening for the last year. I am tired and have severe anxiety at this point.
I can understand OP. I have been in the same boat. See if you can get your point across politely. If it doesn't work, take extreme steps to live your life the way you wish to.
Or you can invest in a good noise cancelling phone and let the game begin. Buddha will approve it as a middle path /\
1. Try to get a job where you get accommodation too. Best would be to get a job or transfer to another better state or overseas.
2. Explain to them what you want.
3. If there is any of your cousin who similarly was forced to be married and not happy now, confide in her and ask her to speak to your family.
4. Identify if there is any member in your family (close or distant) who has progressive ideas and can talk to your parents about modern generation and how one cannot enforce their thinking on children.
5. If any of the parents of your friends can intervene and talk to your parents, it would be good.
6. Seek help of some counselor whom to tell your condition and ask them to speak to your parents.
Rebelling is easy but not a solution because it strains relations beyond repair. Have your say and do not get married until you want to. Last resort would be police help but in India it is best avoided. But you can talk to 103 women helpline numbers and seek their suggestion. If there are some women rights groups in your area talk to them.
Best luck to you my little friend. Stay strong and be positive. No one can force you into something you do not want. A woman is more strong emotionally than a man anyway. So be brave. Blessings and prayers to you.
Bargaining is often said to be the best for all parties involved in a trade. This is not because it is fair to all parties, but because both parties can be winners.
In this case the best advice I can give you is to make them bargain without them knowing what they are doing. It should be on your terms. Anchoring is a good strategy you can use.
I know this is a cheap trick, but I am guessing all the straightforward talking did you no good.
Things that will help your case:
1. Have an ally in your family. Someone who can agree with all the points you raise.
2. Have an ally outside. Someone your parents respect the opinions of.
3. Be ready to lie. Might come in handy.
4. Have (or pretend to have) a project with a distant deadline which you can ask them time for.
PS: I know this is a very crooked way to get what you want. So do this only if everything else fails. Also nobody should know your plan ever. Not even your allies.
This will fail sadly. People who ask this question aren't hardened enough to do what is obvious and manipulate parents extensively.
Plus it takes a very specific personality and experience to reach that level - and that's for a guy.
Circumstances can change people. I don't think either side is "wrong". They are just trying to do what they think is good for everyone. But Indian parents have a problem of listening to the society rather than their own children. I hope she does not have to resort to this.
I think the best way is find a job away from parents, set up a base somewhere else. Hard to do but only logical way to get out of parents and family's grip. Establishing a support system outside of family is what you need.
Tell that you are differently oriented. This will cool things off for sometime.
Leave the house and live somewhere else. I suggest reaching out to a trustworthy friend. Someone else made a similar post a month ago here. Do not continue living there. It will eat you up.
If you cannot change your situation, and its completely understandable if you can't - then you can adopt some delaying tactics to buy lore time. It could be based around your own career growth - that you need just six more months into your job, you can try and slip in that you want to study a diploma for a year before settling, that you want to even be with them another year before you leave them.
Whatever it takes, buy time and as it lapses buy some more. The idea is not to drive a wedge but to find a middle ground by making them realise over the period that their priorities are screwed.
That's what I am doing right now. Thank you!
I belong of Marwari/Jain family. We had terrible financial situation but I had few privileges such as being Male but my sisters were in similar boat but were not earning money (year 1995) and mom was deeply worried to get them married. My dad who was a philosopher, thinker but will not work hard and was not able to hold on to jobs (so had less say in many matters)was big on girls having independent future was able to ignore society. His effort was the reason me and my siblings are so successful from nearly all points of view. When I see people in other jain/marwari family , I see how girls with so much potential and ambition suffered and led a pathetic life to which we finally all get adjusted to. You know all of it . My suggestion would be
\- Be ready to quit your family irrespective of any emotional black mail they conduct. They have given no special favor to give you birth and raise you. Relationships are always mutual though we kids are dependent(financially, emotionally etc) on parents of which they take advantage.
\- Can't hold the pressure due to situation, engage with them on what kind of family and groom you are looking for. There is no love in initially arranged marriage if you are forced to get married in time bound fashion so make pragmatic choices on the hope love will develop. Avoid groom who is working in joint-business or live in joint-family. They will make all kind of promises of freedom but none of it will come true . People lie and your future husband will act like victim. Try to choose a groom who is having job away from family so you can live independent life. Even then many guys who live away from parents listen to parent blindly. It's easy to check that value system.
\- You always have someone who support your stand in family. You just don't know. Learn thee skill of enquiring it. I know many Marwari jain married women who knew they could have done better if not getting stuck in loop of joining family, serving husband, in-laws and others. They will talk and support you if talk to them in private. Do not try to convince them if they are with current system. Do not try to be social transformer as you need to find solution for yourself and not world. Find people who already have suffered in system and hate it.
\- Do not escalate. It's easy to get angry and escalate that makes your parent family more powerful and in general they tend to win. Deescalate. Act like you are understanding your their point of view and keep buying and killing time. Put conditional promises that you have no intention of keeping. Let complete X by this date in future and then i am fully open, till please stop. Talk emotionally like dad, I have never asked anything, just one thing , let me complete this in next 12 months. I see nothing unethical in doing this withh eo
\- Make a strategy and execute. Won't say will work, but all we can do is our karma. If all fails, seek our financial help with promise to pay back and I am sure this community can help.
Thank you so much, this was helpful. I am in the same boat. My father has no say in anything as we are not financially stable.
I am exploring my options and have agreed to meet guys. I will stall and reject to buy time.
A friend followed this path
- studied her ass off to get into an IIM for MBA
- got a job that pays bonkers
- told her fam she can marry if they can find a suitable groom
- they couldn’t find anyone earning more than her in their community (it’s a big deal for the guy to be earning more in an arranged marriage i guess)
- told her fam she found a dude in IIM
- fam relieved that she will actually get married
- she chilling with bf
When I was in the arranged marriage circus I met this girl. Everything seemed fine. I requested to have a 1v1 chat. Thats when she told me shes under enormous pressure to get married and she really does not want to marry now. I told her I gocchu fam. I Denied the rishta saying that I dint feel there was a lot in common. May be try something like this ? Only works if the guy is not a complete asshole who will rat you out.
You're a real one dude. Glad you helped her out. I will try this!
I'd strongly recommend you speak to a therapist in the short term to help with your anxiety. Your family (from my experience of most Marwari families) will not change. The person you marry will also be from a similar background, so think very hard about if that's what you want for your life. I've had so many friends married around your age who are now 28-30 and divorced after completely failing to adjust to the rigid patriarchy of these households and often the husbands who lack spines to stand up to their families. But you need to find a job somewhere away from your city and become independent on your own financially. Once you're at the stage you need to cut contact with your family (this is always an option even if you don't think it is. Humans are incredibly adaptable and I'm sure you'll find the courage to do it if you really want to). Good luck and take care. You can drop me a message if you have absolutely no one to talk to and don't want to talk to a therapist. I can link a few resources that can help with the anxiety.
I am already in therapy. The only reason I am not moving out is that I have a younger sister I need to look out for.
Just tell them that you won't be happy about doing it now. Tell them that you are not mature enough to make a decision like this. You are self-dependent person, and you should take your decisions yourself. You will be happy later after few years down the road that you took a decision that you wanted. Don't let them force you. Stand up for yourself. You are not a robot, you should take your decisions yourself. I have seen so many women getting married without their consent or without even knowing the groom and later they are all regretting the decision.
You need to talk this out with them. It's gonna be very irritating but my girlfriend found a way where she blackmails them with stuff like "why did you'll give birth to me if you'll wanna get rid of me?" and stuff like that. Apparently it works for a bit, and then the next month something triggers them again and they start with the same shit.
Agree to meeting guys. That should stop them from annoying you.
Then create unreasonable demands like the boy is too short, tall, thin, thicc, fair, dark and refuse to meet them.
Eventually when you do have to meet the guys, go on a date and be a total bitch. Say that you refuse to do work and you will need a personal driver and a maid. Ask for his phone on the first date and go through it. Basically enjoy being an asshole.
Or you can tell the guys how you truly feel like you aren't ready for marriage. But that would be boring.
OP said that she has anxiety now. So, it's gonna be difficult for her to be assertive.
What do you want to do instead? Figure that out and do that. Your parents will likely try and force their view of the world on you. You will have to figure out what you want and do it with that.
Honestly, if leaving your home is not an option for you, then you need to know that this whole situation will not really go in a way that you can retain a good relationship with your parents. You are both diametrically opposed in your views, and the more you dig in your heels, the more they will dig in theirs.
But if you're really firm on not wanting to get married for a few more years, and you intend to keep standing up for yourself, and moving out is simply not an option, you need to know that the relationship with them will be unrecoverable past a certain point. If you are going to live at home, then the reality is that you and your parents probably won't speak much, or it will just flat out dissolve into them shouting angry abuse for not being normal and doing what's normal. If you think the pressure right now is intense, it will only get more from now on, as the years tick by and your parents start really panicking bc they will start worrying that you're old and no one will want to marry you. If your parents are as conservative as you say, they will not adjust well to the fact that they no longer conform to the accepted norm in their society, and that too, not bc of their own choice, but bc of their daughter's stubbornness. And if you still live at home, they will find in you the single most convenient target upon whom to vent all of their anger and frustrations.
And all of that will not do you any favours either. You already mentioned in a comment that you're dealing with a lot of anxiety. That will probably become much worse, if moving out is not an option for you. Trust me. I say this out of a sincere concern for your present and future mental health. I've seen this happen to too many people, and it's always been the same situation, and it's always become the same thing. The ones who are still living at home with their parents don't do anything except fight and have routine screaming matches.
If your goal is to stay unmarried, but still salvage a semblance of a relationship with your parents, you will need to figure out how to move out and put some space between yourself and them. That is sincerely in the best interests for all of you. Not only do you need this, your parents need this, even if they will never accept that to be the case.
If you really can't move out, and you are sure you don't want to get married, I would honestly urge you to find a good counselor or a therapist, right now. Don't wait for a few years down the line, when everything has deteriorated. You need to invest in your mental health right away if you want to have the strength to withstand the pressure and cope with all of this. You absolutely can't do this on your own. That is the main suggestion I have for you, and I really can't convey the urgency with which I am telling you this.
Aside from that, gather a good support system that is outside of your family. Friends, colleagues, coworkers, etc. You will need to them to help support you as you continue to stick up for yourself. You need them bc you need to hear voices that aren't just your parents and family telling you that you're wrong. You need sensible people in your life who can continually help remind you of your worth.
Good luck, please stay strong.
Thank you for all your suggestions. I am in therapy and have a session soon. My relationship with my entire family is already in shambles and when I do leave, I will not be coming back often.
I am fortunate enough to have a good support system in my friends. If it comes down to doing something extreme, I will lie and go away for a bit.
Moving out permanently is not an option as I have a younger sister I need to look out for.
How much younger than you is she, and what are the logistics or maybe taking her with you?
If it is a matter of waiting a few years, then yeah, I can see that it would be a good idea to stick it out. But regardless, just know that you need to put on your oxygen mask first before you can be in a good position to help anyone else, including your sister.
And it is very good that you have a means to get away for a bit as needed. Do use it any time you have to, don't put it off or anything. It might be a good idea to look into jobs that involve a lot of travel and being away from home too. That way you can live there and still be away enough.
She is just 16.
Thank you so much for the support! I will do what I need to to feel better.
Oh, so she doesn't have very long before she legally is considered an adult then! If you can hang in there for a few more years, then you can feasibly look at moving out potentially, and taking your sister with you.
Of course, that is also a huge hassle of its own accord, and I honestly get why it is not simple or easy, let alone an option. All of us love our parents in spite of ourselves--if we didn't, it wouldn't hurt us so much if they don't see things from our perspective.
Wishing you all the best. <3
I will give a contrary answer. How much money are you making and how solid is your career? India is tough on single women. Can you survive long term without your family? Is there a way to find a Marwari professional, who lived away from home? Who is compatible? Why not ask your parents to look for a more modern man? And ask for two more years. What is your long term plan? Staying single forever is a hard option unless you leave the country.
Put on a "bad girl" persona. That will get rid of at least 50% of potential suitors and cause temporary shock to your family and efforts to get you married.
do you ever wish that you were poor and your parents would silently let you work to save up money for your marriage?
Dude, we are by no means rich. When I wanted to do masters from a top university, fees were a concern. But they have money to get me married now. :)
Job karo riya ho toh ghar ti nikal sako ni?
Flat rent mai lene rei sako dosto saate?
You can't argue with elders.
It all depends on whether you want to go all in or not.
I know Marwadi dokras and dokris will not understand at all.
Same old bullshit.
"Vyaav re baad lugai job kyu karno?"
There are two options-
1. Sit with them and make them understand that 22 is too early to marry and you want to study/work at this point of time. Ofcourse they are going to pressurise you but don't give in to the emotional drama. Ask someone in your family or relatives who is close to both you and your parents like your sibling, cousins or anyone else and ask them to talk to your parents and make them understand. I'm sure there would be someone in your clan who could help you on this. Also you can give them examples of your unmarried cousins, friends who are working well and looking forward to further career growth.
2. This is applicable if you're open to the idea of marriage in coming few years say 1-2. Ask them to only get roka done and after a gap of say a year or half then go for engagement and wedding.
All my cousins and other family view me as the black sheep. They've all done what was asked off of them so they don't understand why I don't want to marry and become a housewife.
>Sit with them and make them understand
Doesn't work in most Marwari families.
Edit - If they wanted to listen, they would be listening right now. If they wanted to be understanding, they would be respecting the daughter's wishes right now.
Yup, tried and failed at that.
They're her parents first, just because a family is conservative doesn't mean you can't talk to them and try to make them understand steadily
Edit: OP later on mentioned that she has already been talking to her parents on a regular basis, which now makes this further exercise futile.
>They're her parents first, just because a family is conservative doesn't mean you can't talk to them and try to make them understand steadily
Nope. Doesn't work in most cases.
They are "respectable" people in the society first and her parents later. If they thought themselves to be her parents first, they wouldn't be pushing her to get married without her consent or approval.
I've seen a case of interfaith marriage, that too of a Hindu boy and a Muslim girl. The girl's parents are typically conservative but she had to bring things on table for them to consider, took her 2 years to conceive them and they finally agreed and the wedding was held with all the big fat celebration and rituals. So instead of demotivating I'd rather ask OP to talk to a parent, whoever she is closest to and then make her point.
I've spent the last 4 months having this conversation with my mother almost DAILY. No progress.
>They're her parents first
Exactly. They are not her masters and she is not their slave. Indian parents should learn their limit.
Yes! And as OP later mentioned in comments that she has already been talking to her parents, can't relocate to another city, so I think the only option NOW left is to stand for herself, be simple and rigid in her stance to her parents but not rude. Strongly voice it out to them that she doesn't want to marry at this point.
> make them understand that 22 is too early
to *them* (and most of Indians older than 40) it's approaching too late
Make a few things clear to the most easily approachable parent that you want a few things in life and you want to avoid certain few others. While doing so, try to explain what is bothering you. Do not beat around the bush, go straight forward in a matter of fact manner. After all it is your life and you require to be mentally prepared. There should be something you should connect with the parent on a major regret they must have had.
It is your life. You don't have to be disrespectful, don't have to be meek. Just hold your ground and state that you will marry at a certain age or when you find the right partner etc.
Best of luck.
Can you not move out ? Where in India are you ?
What do you do for a living?
Go to canada
I have heard pursuing MBA and picking up a few bad habits along the way makes you immune to this. /s
Any marwaris who can help?
what's so special about this tribe ?
A question for an anthropologist. Not me.
well your question seems to suggest it's not just some casual moot question.
I mean if she says "...I'm in UP..." I doubt anyone would ask "anyone in UP who can help?"
Demonstrate your claim. And what is a casual moot question?
honestly just take firm stand infront of your whole family and tell them clearly and fearlessly that you don't want to get married right now. Fight and argue if you have to. tell them there is no point in finding guys for you as you're going to reject every single one of them. you can move out of your city and relocate too by finding a new job.
Don't lose hope.you can overcome this.This is a big problem in india still in this time.
don't agree, but if they force and if it comes to it, just say you'll marry only if you are given the final decision on who you'll marry. and keep rejecting whoever they make you meet. they'll get frustrated after 3-4 instances.
You deserve to love your life independently and on your own terms. I'm sorry for what you're going through, standing up against your parents and seperating yourself is the way if they cannot love you and respect you.
Try posting this on r/TwoXIndia as well!
RUN AWAY RUN FAR RUN FAST.
This always works with a Indian family and you need to be strong while doin this: 1) Hold a private meeting with mother and father 2) Be polite to start, and explain what your plan is 3) Immediately, inform them if they do not let them live your live you will inform their friends you are Lesbian and that they will have to deal with the fall out 4) Tell the progressive members of your family, you are not and simply career minded 5) If your parents don't come around to support you put the plan into action and let the fallout begin 6) Eventually they will come around 7) You and your future husband will laugh at the episode. The funny story will become part of your legacy...
Alternatively, if you do have a boyfriend soul mate ask him to visit your family and then do a pretend break up. Pretend to take it very hard. Buy some cheap crockery ahead of time, and smash it. Have all you friend call at all hours to check up on you. And make a general appointment with the doctor. Your parents will soon be on your side. 'Take a break,' they will say, 'soon a better man will come along.' And they will conclude, for now, maybe its better to work and become a little stronger and more established before you try again...
As cliche as it might sound but in life you gotta make choices that you feel are best for you. Those choices won’t make people happy but then they aren’t gonna live your life, it’s you who’d have to spend the whole life thinking about should’ve would’ve situation. I suggest chalk out a plan where you describe them the whys of your situation. What your plans are career wise and in general. Convincing takes a lot of time but it’s not nothing. You gotta give you best shot. You have to stay consistent with convincing them. Sadly, this battle is yours and you have only you. I’d suggest make notes of povs and possible rebuttals. Wish you all the best!
Bitch bad things about every guy they make you meet.
How much ever they pressurise you, try to stay firm on your decision. I suggest you to ask this in some women sub as there might be some people there have gone through this.
OP, fear not how your family can publicly shame you, but how you can publicly shame your family. Doesnt need to be related to your specific issues.
Drop a couple of family secrets out into the ether, and see how quiet they become when they realize they cant do anything to you without consequences coming to them in the place where they live - social perception.
Fight dirty, fight smart and good luck.
Marwari Jain family!! Best way to not get married just serve KFC bucket to the boy's family when they come to see you. Most probably you will be disowned by your own family and will attain the freedom you always wanted. Cheers and best of luck
This made me laugh, NGL. 😂
Not gonna lie.
I mean there is the option to self sabotage your arrange marriage prospects in the short term by just meeting one guy your parents make you meet and tell him some egregious shit you can think of that can go around a little.
No demand for your hand of marriage. No problem. Although other comments below give some more preferable plans of action
Take a transfer to a different city.
the fuck up...
DM me I'm looking for a bride :)
so this would likely be an arranged marriage ?