T O P

Pfffft, typical capricorn.

Pfffft, typical capricorn.

wunderbraten

Of course all Capricorns are this way!! Wait... he is Taurus??


Muppetude

“Typical. People born under the sign of Taurus tend to…” “No, you don’t understand. He is *literally* a Taurus. A mid-sized sedan manufactured by Ford that has somehow gained sentience and access to a Twitter account” “…ok, I’m out.”


freshcutfrasier

well i'll fucking upvote that


whenyesterdaywemet

And I'll fuck a Taurus. Love me some hot tailpipe


DirtyDanTheManlyMan

Do you like to rub the cliTaurus?


2sedated

Yes, with my *pe nisSan*


whenyesterdaywemet

Honk dirty to me


thcheat

r/dontputyourdickinthat


whenyesterdaywemet

/r/didputmydickinthat


La_Saxofonista

Y'know, that's actually illegal in some states, believe it or not. US law is wild


LyftIsnotokayanymore

That they even needed a law…


La_Saxofonista

Guess someone was caught boinking some rich guy's car or sum


LyftIsnotokayanymore

No idea. I’m sure there is a story behind it though. I think they had to do something because some idiot put his thing in pool filters here when I was a kid and he got stuck because of the suction and they had to shut down a whole pool and tear some stuff up and it was a whole thing. Dunno if they made a law of it but they definitely changed some things because of it. I imagine it’s like that but I can’t imagine what the actual situation itself might have been. I have sooooo many questions.


La_Saxofonista

I'd love to see them enforce it tho. That court case would be wild


Reasonable_Motor8490

It’s all fun and games till it backfires/2 steps


__WALLY__

You wouldn't download a car, and fuck it.


HotBasket8

The real question is IS IT AN SHO?


InvaderProtos

Thank you for using the word "literally" in a proper context


Eris23_5

I thought he was the gun Taurus with the way he unloaded in that hoeiscope chick.


greatbigdogparty

And I thought they had only rudimentary AI. But come to think of it so does most of this country.


BrunesOvrBrauns

Oh shit, is it the V8 SHO version?


houseofLEAVEPLEASE

I really like you.


TheGrandCommissar

And so the circle begins... Until its revealed he was actually a Virgo, no wait, scor-, wait capri-, wait _and so on for time immemorial_


clitpuncher69

> And so the circle begins... Pfft exactly what you can expect from a Torus


jdcarpe

Donut get me started…


booksfoodfun

Only a Capricorn would act like a Scorpio pretending to be a Virgo.


s0c1a7w0rk3r

The stars don’t lie


Justface26

They just confused af


linesinaconversation

And they spell disaster for you at Sackerfice!


stolenkneecaps

made me cackle. take my free award


linesinaconversation

They say all awards are created equal. But you look at your award, and you look at Reddit gold, and you can see that statement is not true! Yours is better because you didn't have to waste money on it. Thanks!


flying-cunt-of-chaos

See normally, if you spend money on gold, you gotta zero percent chance of getting any real value on it. But the helpful award is free, so you got a 25% chance **at best** of wasting it.


linesinaconversation

Then, you add Mutual Appreciation of Each Other to the mix? Your odds of disappointment drastic go down!


ShadyNite

Kurt Angle ***KNOWS*** the he can't beat me, so he's not even going to try


dsquared513

*Shakira noises*


kalitarios

*Kermit the Frog voice*


Froggy_hop

^shakira ^shakira


GarciaJones

**IMMA DUDE PLAYING A DUDE DISGUISED AS ANOTHER DUDE**


Froggy_hop

What do you mean “you people”?


willclerkforfood

What do *you* mean “you people?”


importvita

*Huh?!?*


jurnighan

You must follow the booty sweat trail to find the answers you seek .......


fatboyfat1981

But not before you’ve had a Bust a Nut bar


jurnighan

You’re right I’ve overlooked the matching snack to that beverage


jaxonya

No! You cant have any FUCKING jelly beans!


SH4D0W0733

But only a Gemini would fool everyone twice by ''revealing'' they were a Capricorn acting like a Scorpio pretending to be a Virgio.


3leftturn

That’s some shit only a LEO would say


ultimatepunster

What's a Law Enforcement Officer got to do with this?


3oclockam

But was does Low Earth Orbit have to do with it?


Ender_REDACTED

Can confirm


mam88k

He's the guy behind the guy, behind the guy!


thevonodan

Bless you for that Swingers reference.


lusirfer702

Yep, Capricorn’s are known to be assholes so I’ve been told, I’m a Capricorn.


FireSail

Capricorn and Scorpio are both shady af. Plus you don’t know his moon/rising. Or what his sect light is for that matter.


Silasofthewoods420

Oh yeah?? Well what sign is in his 5th and 12th house!!


CastIronWaffleIron

That's exactly what a Caprisun would do!


CopperKid75

He’s pretending to be a caprisun he’s actually a scoregoal


Stealocke

https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/1f754543-28c5-4f97-a081-70f6f66d0f6e


WienerSchnitzel01

WHAT A SAVE!


Nihilikara

You're thinking of juice packaged in a foil bag. This is a canadian.


VaguelyFamiliarVoice

I am a meat popsicle.


Nizzemancer

That is exactly what a Corbin Dallas would say.


clockpsyduckcocaine

That’s exactly what a flying saucer would say


trungoman

You're thinking of a citizen of some country in North America. This is a candy corn.


MikemkPK

You're thinking of tiny triangles given out on Halloween, this is a card game.


TheLegitFork

You're thinking of a game played with cards, this is a cantaloupe


ScholarOld8420

I'm an Asparagus


SomeoneTookUserName2

I'm an albatross.


Bocksford

And this is a Wendy’s.


Gasmask_Gary

im a wanted criminal in the country of england for burning down multiple buildings in Britain


Jaythegrape

Freaking Candycorn


sam_wangg

this is exactly what an asparagus would do.


Aggravated_Pineapple

jokes on you, hes actually a green onion


sam_wangg

or is he a parsley pretending to be a green onion pretending to be an asparagus????


Lemonade_Cherry

The thing about astrology is that you can keep looking for facts about a star sign until you find what your looking for


DEADEYEDONNYMATE

I see in your future a birthday coming up and tomorrow the sun will rise and the moon will set and the next morning you will be woken by your eyes *while doing mystical hands*


Lemonade_Cherry

I see in your future that you will have another person that you know. You are also probably introverted or extroverted, and likely have spoken English at one point in your life because you are a cancer


BriefDarkWizard

I’m an aquarium


Oldmanred79

Im a hufflepuff


MandoParker

I’m a Lannister


kuribosshoe0

I’m a registered sex offender.


McMasky

Legally required to the sex offender shuffle


Vickillah

“Step in the name of love” by R.Kelly


MagicJoshByGosh

r/holup


Matteusskywalker

r/watchholupdie


Generic_Pete

I like turtles


IHaveOneButMinesBlue

I’m an asparagus


VaultDweller837

You taste like ass


SavvikTheSavage

Delicious?


stairme

Hufflepuff!


Tra1famadorian

Classic Gemini


Stumpynuts

I’d rather have a ring in nose than gem in eye.


McMasky

I’d rather have a dick in son


TheInternetCat

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.


SnowySupreme

Lol cause of the two spirit shit?


thegrapefruitz

Why censor the name but keep the Twitter handle…?


NorbDrol

Yeah that’s what I was wondering


richardeid

Just another typical thing capricorns do.


thevonodan

It’s because the name was a phone number. To what? Idk


croissantpiggy

OP is clearly a Gemini.


BannerTortoise

It's like that old joke. "I don't get along with my sisters' boyfriend because I'm a Capricorn, and he's a bellend."


Balphamus

The stars did him dirty


YaboyAlastar

A few years back they tried to bring back the 13th sign, and failed. My birthday falls in the range so now when I'm asked I say I'm an Ophiucus, and then listen to my opinion on astrology come out of their mouth "That sign is bullshit" "They just made that up to sell more crap" "You actually believe *in that?*" Cracks me up every time.


crap-zapper

Dickhead is a universal trait for all zodiacs.


MagicUnicornLove

Astrology is dumb, but the only person here that lied to someone for sex is the guy tweeting.


Environmental_Big160

“Universe just aligned your cheeks with this dick” might be my next tattoo. 😂😂😂


sbro56

And the cancer ♋ sits back laughing 😆


HalfSoul30

Cancers Unite!


athohhdg

Cancers metastasize!


ShadyNite

Serious question, are we immune to cancer and crabs?


ChuggernautChug

Yeah but you're weak to lightning types and you aren't really relevant in a Scorpio heavy meta


HalfSoul30

When I was a kid I thought it meant that's how I would die, which is pretty stupid considering the other signs would make no sense then.


squigglesthepig

The symbol is a 69. Pretty sure all the Cancers already united


HalfSoul30

Nice


JohnGisMe

I hope you recover from cancer soon!😀


SomeoneTookUserName2

Nice.


PurpleOwl85

The Pisces writes a poem ♓


jaxxronald

I do find it odd though that Astrology isn't viewed like religion. They are pretty similar. I just can't understand how someone can laugh at horoscope girls and then keep a straight face and tell you Jesus rose from the dead.


Ankoku_Teion

astrology was a major part of many older religions. and it continued to be a major part of every day life for many in europe until well into the late middle ages.


escott1981

because astrology was replaced, sometimes forcibly so, with Christianity and other religions. And astrology became a laughingstock instead of a "true religion." Same with paganism and witchcraft.


Decades101

I read paganism as plagiarism


escott1981

Well plagiarists deserve to be laughingstocks.


aaw19

I read “read” as read instead of read


SomeoneTookUserName2

I've found *tons* of practicing Roman Catholics in Quebec that are really into pagan, astrology shit. It's really weird.


aboveaveragecanuck

That’s because catholicism is just paganism with some jesus and cross stickers slapped on the front. (and also that stuff about being meek and obeying your masters). Literally every catholic tradition or celebration is rooted in ancient european pagan culture.


ywBBxNqW

Catholicism has a lot of saints that seem to fit well within the models of many polytheistic traditions.


saxywarrior

Sainthood is basically the Roman practice of deification of individuals (especially emperors) with a coat of Christian paint slapped on top.


lizbunbun

All of the holidays, but swap out female empowerment for guilt and female oppression.


3rdtrichiliocosm

Catholica adopted a ton of pagan shit before that though. Christmas is Saturnalia, for instance. Also all the ~~worship~~ veneration of martyrs, saints, relics, etc is 100% idolatrous pagan remnants and there was a huge issue about it within the church. The jews and muslims loved criticizing the catholics as misguided pseudopolytheists because of this pagan remnant they couldn't quite shake.


neverdoug

Where I come from the majority of people do view astrology like religion (in that their both a load of bollocks)


tea-and-shortbread

Because that's what every religion does to every other religion. How many Christians do you know who think the idea of an elephant god is blasphemous or ridiculous but will try to tell you that walking on water is perfectly normal?


dalk74

Because astrology is often wrongly viewed as a science like with rules, meanwhile religion can be a philosophical way to find meaning in life


mike99ca

Astrology and Astronomy used to be part of the same science until some of the astronomers realized just how much of a bullshit Astrology is.


FireSail

Traditional astrology (going back to Ptolemy, Valens, Lilly, al-Kindi) is actually very rule based and philosophical. Like Pythagoras was huge on astrology. He was also one of the prominent minds of the ancient era.


ThetaCygni

But that has very little to do with modern astrology, horoscopes and shit as far as I'm aware. The bizzarre pseudo-psychology of zodiac signs is pretty recent


FireSail

Yes, although ancient astrology did also assign temperaments to people born under certain signs. What most people don’t realize is that the system we use in the west is based on seasons and time of day. So when you say, for example, you’re a Leo sun with Scorpio rising, it means you’re a child born of a summer’s day. If you are a Capricorn sun with Libra rising, you’re a child born of a winter’s night. In that context the temperament thing becomes more palatable.


dewittless

But still wrong.


Broad_Fan2198

Because astrology is (mostly) only popular in young adult/teen girls. Had horoscopes been popular older audience and I’m talking 30+ it probably would have been viewed as a nonsensical religion or some idiot convention like Qanon.


yldraziw

Astrology is a particularly old tradition. It's less "accepted" much in part due to the dark ages


adronaline

Jesus *most of the time* isn't gonna cock block you because of the period of time u were born in


overlordpotatoe

Jesus will cock block you for plenty of other reasons though. Christianity has no shortage of rules about who you can bone.


Koiq

any reasonable person thinks both are equally silly but at least horoscope people haven’t done many many genocides, crusades, witch trials, institutional child rapes… etc (yes this was a le epic reddit moment, come at me)


[deleted]

One thing I found that light give some validity to astrology is how the month you were born in can share your very early development as in it's cold and family inside to hot NJand people.outside more. Maybe it's spring and requires more work. But still gist is the month/season you were born can and might have an effect on people development , which might fall on line with astrological signs. But idk. I don't believe in it either way


Prysorra2

No one's rounded up and killed Pisces, nor have we ever voted on a person's star sign. At least, not in any statistic I care to look for.


Barnabas1508

⠀⠀⠘⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡜⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠑⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡔⠁⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠢⢄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⠴⠊⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⠀⠀⠀⢀⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⡀⠤⠄⠒⠈⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣀⠄⠊⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠿⠛⠛⠛⠋⠉⠈⠉⠉⠉⠉⠛⠻⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠛⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⡏⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣤⣤⣤⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⢿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⢏⣴⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣟⣾⣿⡟⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⢢⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣟⠀⡴⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⠟⠻⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠶⢴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿ ⣿⣁⡀⠀⠀⢰⢠⣦⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄⠀⣴⣶⣿⡄⣿ ⣿⡋⠀⠀⠀⠎⢸⣿⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠗⢘⣿⣟⠛⠿⣼ ⣿⣿⠋⢀⡌⢰⣿⡿⢿⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⢸⣿⣿⣧⢀⣼ ⣿⣿⣷⢻⠄⠘⠛⠋⠛⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⣧⠈⠉⠙⠛⠋⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣧⠀⠈⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠟⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⢃⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⡿⠀⠴⢗⣠⣤⣴⡶⠶⠖⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⡸⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⡀⢠⣾⣿⠏⠀⠠⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠛⠉⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣧⠈⢹⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣰⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄⠈⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⣴⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣄⣀⣀⣀⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡄⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠙⣿⣿⡟⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠇⠀⠁⠀⠀⠹⣿⠃⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠛⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢐⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⠛⠉⠉⠁⠀⢻⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠈⣿⣿⡿⠉⠛⠛⠛⠉⠉ ⣿⡿⠋⠁⠀⠀⢀⣀⣠⡴⣸⣿⣇⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡿⠄⠙⠛⠀⣀⣠⣤⣤⠄⠀ The hardest I’ve ever commented this.


mariii95

No matter how stupid you think someone is, nothing excuses lies and manipulation to get sex.


CaptainMisha12

I personally think it makes it a little worse that they need to prey after people they think are stupid.


traumfisch

Plot twist: no one "smashed" no one. Ah but you all knew that already


TheDarknessFromHell

But can Hulk smash him?


nbdbruh

His point still stands imo


averag3sandwich

I think i saw this picture before, but i forgot the name of the bot that checks out reposts.


Anime_Boi-

It's what an asshole would do


Misterwuss

Way to outplay.... everyone


[deleted]

[удалено]


Xx_endgamer_xX

Geminis are known to pull shit like this


Yellowsunflowerlover

At this point, mans doesn't know what he is lmaoooo. For every argument he's going to camouflage into a new zodiac sign. Then he's gonna pull out the rarely mentioned zodiac sign Ophiuchus.


FireSail

Ophiuchus isn’t a zodiac sign. It’s a constellation that very briefly touches the ecliptic but that’s it’s. Even the zodiac signs don’t correspond correctly to their constellations. In sidereal astrology/astronomy, the signs are 12 divisions of 30° of a circle. The constellations do not line up with that (eg, Virgo is a huge constellation, Libra is quite small). The tropical zodiac is even more offset because the division is based on the seasons. So the 0° of Aries, which is marked by the spring equinox, is actually in the constellation of Pisces.


LordGalen

And there's also the fact that stars *move*, so none of the constellations are where they were when the Zodiac was created. Most people aren't even the sign they think they are.


Desperate_Ambrose

**CHEECH MARIN**: Hey, are you one of those dudes who do horoscopes, man? Hey, I'm a Cancer with a bad moon rising. \~ "Born In East L.A."


Egg-3P0

Precisely what a capsicum would do


Champigne

Damn, how many times is this going to get reposted?


Leet_As_Sin

No lie astrology is mad dumb


Heck_Spawn

LOLing at this because, as everyone knows, we Capricorns don't believe in astrology.


thothisgod24

I will never understand why people think a bunch of stars have magical powers.


ItsTheHamster07

I’m an asparagus


LordBoriasWownomore

Astrology is all BS anyway


Meewwt

This is less r/facepalm and more r/madlads


Ashamed-Height1106

I'm surprised a guy that talks like this gets laid


jingqian9145

Ever been to Atlanta? Everyone talks like this.


traumfisch

He didn't


Biscoff_spread27

Exactly.


HoChiMinhPseudonym

"Let me check your online grammar before we can fuck" -Just You. lol


hotpieswolfbread

Lol these commenters just radiate strong virgin energy. Like no shit a guy like this fucks. What did they think they were gonna get to clap them cheeks by impressing girls with their perfect locution


AverageJames

On the other hand, I’m not surprised in the slightest


zhazan12

Have you been ANYWHERE people like this are? To me, seems that the more toxic a person is, the higher the likelihood of them getting laid.


Supiriorcarnage

Nice guys finish last... 😞 /s lmao


somethingsuccinct

That's because they lie to get what they want


TwinSong

Seems like it. Like I want a relationship not just "smash" (why do people talk about sex like it's an attack?)


Doustin

Smash, bang, nail, pound… You might be onto something


TwinSong

Sounds about as romantic as construction work 🚧


floppygoose

Your right, there is something quite romantic about raising an erection with your fellows.


ControversiallySorte

I guess it's time to lay some pipe.


nbdbruh

Oop watch out everyone, grammar police is out to getcha


Armateras

The grammar police only ever seem to activate when it's AAVE or a derivative form, they'll let the scots get away with linguistic genocide all day though.


Consistent_Poem5041

people ONLY talk like this where i'm from


manofsleep

He’s going after hardcore sign worshippers, if he did, then he’s playing himself


cheesyife

As a Capricorn I can confirm we all 100% do this and pretend to be other zodiacs


ReubenTrinidad619

Jokes on you, she was an Aries and she gave you 🦀 ♋️ 🦀 crabs


stoniruca

Capricorns like to smash, too.


GiuliGM

typical caprisun


returnFutureVoid

Honestly, well played sir. Well played.


BS_500

Love the shit censorship job here.


Michters

everyone is playing checkers while this guy is playing chess


ShiiTsuin

As a Capricorn, I also like to act like a Scorpio pretending to be Virgo Our stars are just so mischievous!


Robmomanjaro

This is funny. Not gonna lie


MawnieMoon

I once did an astrology bingo for every sign and got the same results for every sign. I am every sign at once apparently.


DeckerR

Astrology is back? What year is it? That shit was so 90s


Micbob182

I’m a Teal Ford Taurus


ContentCargo

So this guys a liar? Why would I believe a chick let him smash Becuase “they’re compatible” Also like I’d believe anything I see on tiwrier