Hi, I'm new here. I haven't dated in over 13 years and I am separated (divorce processing), initially I never wanted to date again or talk to another man. But, the last few months I've been imagining that one day I can have a real partner and team mate. I'd also like to make different kinds of friends and date but I am so terrified of that intimacy aspect. How do you do it after so long and after getting older?
Just jump in. Don't concentrate on your age or how long you've been single. Other people aren't nearly as critical of us as we are of ourselves. It will be ok. I'm sure with time you will meet someone who will see you as the most beautiful woman in the world.
No they were all his. He seemed to take good care of them and trained them well. It would be a dealbreaker for me personally, but there are some dog-loving women out there lol. Btw I'm not against dogs, one dog would be fine, but so many dogs means a lot of work and your lifestyle will revolve around the dogs.
Over time, I've met a few guys who said they didn't want kids because they can't afford kids, aren't financially stable, "who can afford kids in this economy", etc. (For context, I don't want kids at all and I've had a hysterectomy lol.) It's concerning to me because...I can afford kids. My desire not to have kids is unrelated to finances. So if I eventually disclosed my financial situation to the guy, would he want kids then? Or if one of us got a better paying job, etc. It seems to me that most of these guys would rather have children in an ideal world, which is fine and I hope they're able to have that one day, but I don't want kids even in my ideal world, so I've come to realize this is actually an incompatibility...
No, I say that also. The "what kind of world are we bringing kids into" line of thought and probably even if the world changed overnight, I still really wouldn't want kids. They are probably just using the finances as a scapegoat. Outright saying you don't want kids AT ALL in this society doesn't go over well a lot of times so many of us have learned to smooth it over with various reasons.
I have encountered men who have that view ("what kind of world are we bringing kids into" "raising a child is so difficult especially in this economy" etc.) I think it's just that they do not want kids enough, to be honest. Plenty of people who don't make much money who have always wanted kids. If you really truly want them I think it's one of those things you'll do at any cost. So to answer your question no I don't think finding out about your finances would change their preferences.
>I think it's just that they do not want kids enough, to be honest. Plenty of people who don't make much money who have always wanted kids.
That's a really good point. I still have it at the back of my mind though after one guy said he would reconsider it once he was able to afford a home (purchase). So if I helped (eventually) and we were able to buy using two incomes, there's a risk he might want kids.
I can't speak for them, but as a woman who doesn't want kids and uses money as an excuse: no, I wouldn't change my mind. Honestly it's just a loaded question that comes with a lot of judgement on personal character (I.e. I've been called selfish, immature, self centered etc.). "In this economy?!" just changes the subject faster.
I've been called all of that too unfortunately, but I thought after the guy knows I'm also childfree, he wouldn't feel the need to justify himself. I guess it's worth a further discussion with the guy to understand/make sure he's not childfree only for financial reasons. One guy said he would reconsider it once he was able to afford a home (purchase) and I was like wait, noooo.
>I guess it's worth a further discussion with the guy to understand/make sure he's not childfree only for financial reasons.
That seems like the best way to go about it. I've had a childfree mindset since my early 20s with financial being the biggest motive at the time, but since then my list has grown and I'd have no problem explaining a dozen reasons why I don't want children now.
Is that what it is? Wow. I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to try to exactly "see where it goes" without the pressure of *having to* develop romantic feelings or sparks, which are extremely rare for me.
I’m in my mid thirties. Like, it’s not about my clock ticking, but it is old enough to know what I want and not waste time.
Be casual if you don’t want commitment. But just say it. Acting like a skittish horse about it is beneath me.
I think it’s fine in certain circumstances. But I’ve seen way too many guys willing to string women along saying things like this when they have no intention of ever committing further. No guy whose ever actually wanted to date has said “let’s see where it goes”- but plenty of guys who wanted sex with no commitment have.
Hi all, first time reader and first time poster.
"I decided we were not a good fit". Was the message I got after some followup comms when I discovered she was not altogether honest in the 1st instance!
Who is more to blame here? I'm inclined to say her!
1) She said she was Open Relationship in Sping last year, she was/is married.
2) Her name supposedly was X, it actually was Y but of same 1st letter.
3) She made me wait 16 days for the answer "different interests" "Hope you find someone else soon".
4) Didn't wish to discuss- blocked me on app within a week, had already blocked me on phone presumably. I tried to discuss nicely, she clearly saw posts and ignored. I supposedly became excessively intense in my comms and she blocked- labelling her a gold-digger was the last straw.
I rather hate her all told, am convinced there was some ulterior motive.
Am I in the wrong here?
Thank you, maybe this was mutually beneficical.
Well this is true. She was not altogether honest in the 1st instance however- "Open Relationship" vs "married" and the different name thing.
Blame? Well it's a case of learning lessons too, for me anyway but there's something I deeply distrust about her motives.
I reckon she is dishonest in certain areas and would love to see it exposed.
The 16 day gap thing though well...not a fan. Questioning her motives there!
Hmm this is fair and makes some sense. She made the decision in the way that she did and subsequent matters stemmed from there...my impression is that she has acted in a rather questionable way and had her cake and eaten it, I am convinced there was some suspect motive on her part.
Put another way, wonder what her husband, family, friends or even employer know about her account on the site?? Wonder how honest she has been with THEM!
Interesting that I was informed she has deactivated or deleted that profile on the site. Wonder if it's come back to bite her? 🤞
I've slept on it and agree with a lot of your post but it does anger me all the same and a certain level of karma means I hope that she stuffs herself, hoists herself by her own petard somewhat.
As to the morality police point, maybe but part of me believes that if she learnt that certain actions have certain consequences perhaps it would benefit everyone.
Thank you. I suppose they don't but it rankles, thinking about it antagonises me. I should stop thinking about this bug...and I had until a few pints on 14th Feb!
I do sort of sometimes in my angrier moments fantasise about tipping some of them off- after all they were at her wedding in August! Which ironically I found as someone in my Twitter feed seems to know her and he posted some photos from it.
Had a second date with a guy who reached back out after we went on a (great!) first date a few months ago. Tons of chemistry on the first date and it ended with making out for a few hours.
Today the conversation was good and I feel like we’re really compatible, but it felt really “friendly” today. Not knowing how to read the situation but it is what it is.
No, he kept in contact following the date but shortly after the first date left the country for 4 weeks, and also had some (definitely legit) stuff going on with his house.
When I asked about a second date at the time, he mentioned those things, and this time when he reached out said he felt like he was in a less busy place.
Man, I am feeling quite lonely and down right now. It's hard anytime a dating prospect doesn't work out, but I think (1) my ego is still coping with the rejection from earlier this week, and (2) the apps have been nothing but crickets for me for a while now.
I had an absolute blast at a birthday party last night, and today I played video games with friends for a good 4 hours, but now that I'm alone, the sadboi feels are really, really sinking in.
Anyone else in the same boat? If so, sending you fellow sadboi hugs.
It really hits you at those moments. Like I’ll be at a party, have a great time, but then on the way home by myself you really feel it sink in. Like everyone else goes home with someone but I don’t. I hope you can find things to keep you entertained so that your mind doesn’t stay there.
Even when you have an active social life, it's hard not to feel down if you enjoy the kinds of dynamics that you can only have in a non-platonic relationship.
I recently reconnected with a guy I went on two dates with last summer. I was so disappointed when it fizzled, but now it seems like we’re both in a different emotional place after having more dating experiences since the summer. We’re going on a date next weekend, and I’m excited! 😁
Men on DOT - what do you look for in a woman's profile/bio? Specifically if goal is relationship or more than casual dating.
In the past I've kept my bio/about me short and sweet - enough to convey interests and a little humor but without a lot of words or fluff. I'm trying to date intentionally and probably need my bio to reflect that (other than 'looking for: relationship').
Details. I want to know what makes her brain tick, sorta speak. Not just interests and hobbies, but I'm gleaning for info such as "is she codependent or independent?" and such. Also I can tell if a woman's motivation for a relationship is because she's just horny/lonely, rather than wanting a partner to add to her already fulfilling life and I watch for those key details too. Let ppl know what it'd be like to be with you day to day, not just the cool stuff like that European vacation you took four years ago.
Something longer, with more depth and detail. Something that shows seriousness and effort. Short and sweet, I've found, usually means just looking to hook up. I need to see someone is actually serious, monogamous, and wanting something more long term/permanent.
We’re visual beings so physical attraction is a big one. You don’t have to expose yourself, but full body pictures and in different outfits can give a good representation of who you are.
For prompts, I like knowing that they aren’t just like every profile I come across and put in effort. I encounter so many one word answers to prompts that aren’t conversation starters. If you can talk about what’s important to you, your interests, and get a little weird, then in a way I’d feel like there’s a lot more to you and I want to know you more.
This is just me but I’m most drawn to profiles that talk about their favorite music/movies/books etc, and what they’re curious about or want to learn more about. But that’s probably because this is how I most often connect with partners. Otherwise it’s nice to see some humor/lightheartedness
Went on a date that was a friend intro. We had demographics and interests in common, but I came away from the date feeling like I was too much. I am pretty chatty, outgoing, and friendly, and I seem to hit it off best with guys who are introverted and relatively calm/curious/vulnerable on a date.
I feel like I'm too much too sometimes. I tend to tell men pretty early on that I can be a bit "extra". It is something I recognize about myself so I try to reign it in but it doesn't always work. I tend to connect better with men that are more introverted and calm as well. I'm going on a first date with someone in a little while who is obviously an extrovert. I'm honestly not sure what to expect so I'm trying to go in with no expectations instead. He seems very nice and the texting is fluid so we shall see.
Extroverts work for me as long as they're very confident in themselves! I have had it happen once or twice where we had a nice banter style because we were both very extroverted and comfortable. I guess either way, introvert or extrovert, I only feel a connection if I can feel that the other person is truly comfortable with whatever role they're playing in the conversation.
My best friend wanted me to meet her husband's friend, because she thought we would be a good match, so they took me to the pub where they were celebrating his birthday. He texted me the next day saying that it was a very nice surprise that I was there and I seemed very nice and fun. We’ve been texting since then, it’s been over a month. However, I don’t think he’s interested in me and that’s a pity, because he’s a nice guy :(
I totally understand if you want an assertive man - but this seems like a situation in which you could totally ask him out as he seems interested!
Or, tell your best friend to tell her husband to tell his friend that you'd be into it if he asked you on a date. Maybe he doesn't want to assume and make things awkward.
To be fair NYT Modern Love has sort of ruined stuff like this for me. Every goddamn time it's, "he met her at a party but didn't get her number before she left, so he scrolled through his friend's entire Instagram, found her, DM'd her and directly asked her for a date"
Those men exist.... somewhere I guess :D
Well, when I told my friend I think he’s not interested, she said her husband said that if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t text me for that long 😂 And that he’s anxious and a chicken in general. I’m afraid to ask him out, because I was burned before.
I'm going to an outside yoga event tomorrow, and I'd like to be able to use some pictures in my dating profile.
(1) What would be a good pose or action shot to take for a profile?
(2) How should I ask a stranger to take a picture of me? Would it be weird to say, "can you take a picture of me while I pose?" lol
I think downward dog (from the side), tree pose, or warrior II would be good.
It depends on the vibe of the event. If people seem very friendly then go for it.
My second date with someone I met off Hinge went insanely well: we like all the same activities and find it easy to talk about big stuff without it being awkward. We had sex on that date and since then we've had three sleepovers including a Valentine's celebration. We're going away this weekend to a kitschy hotel in the area. We're both so excited but both aware that it's moving fast and that we don't want to make the other person feel weird about it. I can tell he's also very surprised that something is working out so well (we both had a few slow periods in terms of compatibility with dates/partners) so it doesn't give the love bombing vibe but rather the feeling of having a crush.
It's been so long since I liked someone and they really liked me back. Not being insecure about someone's level of attachment for once is really improving my quality of life 🙂
I was wondering if it’s possible to change behavior to get hit on more in person? Like I can arrange a date here and there over an app. These are always first dates only- no one I’ve wanted to see again and then either. I (37f) try to be myself in public- positive, kind, supportive, and loving- project what I want back. I never really get approached though in person. I was wondering if that’s possible? I have a couple friends who have vibrant dating lives. They are very bubbly and chatty. As lovely as they are- I can feel really overshadowed- I know that’s coming from me not them. I often feel there’s no room in a friend group for someone with my more chill energy - not a total introvert at all, but people tend to say I’m very stable, calm, and gentle. I’ve been called benign. I just take awhile to understand the connection w people and then people call me funny and quirky. Still, I’m not especially an attention getter - that’s just what is.
Is it possible to make changes to increase engagement in person?
There’s a hilarious article by a lady in DC that spent a week trying to get hit at coffee shops, highly relatable.
I don’t know if links are allowed here but it’s on the Washingtonian and title is “ This Woman Tried to Flirt While Working Remotely From DC Coffee Shops. She Documented It All for Us.”
> I choose to sit at a little cafe table for two near a handsome guy who grimaces at me when I try to make eye contact—but now I am sitting and I cannot get up (life alert).
Holy shit what a great read. Extremely relatable, as I also don't get approached IRL. (Of course I'm usually donning headphones and a scowl, but.)
Guy who hits on girls in person here. Most of us who aren't creeps or incredibly outgoing crowd-workers are looking for some kind of signal that a girl would like for us to approach them, or, failing that, at least some kind of opening from her that we can use to kick things off. I'll give you two examples:
1. I'm working in a coffee shop, and the girl at the next table over asks me if I'd watch her laptop for a minute. I agree and when she gets back I make some little joke about how I had to fight people off to protect it, she laughs and makes some joking reply back, which gives me a reason to think she's willing for me to chat with her. I probably wouldn't have said anything to her if she had just been working beside me and hadn't spoken to me first or played along with my testing-the-waters joke.
2. I'm in a bar and I keep catching a girl's eye -- I think she even smiles at me once? She's cute, I can tell she's looking at me, and so I want to talk to her, but she's in this huddle with her friends and I can't really get to her without addressing her whole friend group at once, so there's no chance I'll talk to her. But later she gets up to order a drink and kind of lingers at the bar alone on the same side of the room as my table just sort of playing with her hair (super cute and I couldn't help but go over to her after that). I definitely would not describe this person as bubbly or vibrant, but she still succeeded in giving me some cues that it wouldn't take her off guard if I approached her.
So I'd say: be cute, be in the right place, and give us some kind of indicator of interest or willingness to be approached. Plenty of us would really like to approach you but not unless you give us some cue that you won't feel bad if we do so.
Thank you for the thoughtful reply. i feel bad that men think we think you’re creepy. I’m sorry about that. I probably don’t give off enough of indicators. Just as an experiment, I’m trying to communicate openness and availability and see if I can create these engagements outside of apps. Best to you
I’ve been approached by a few men in person and I find that it helps to make sure you are approachable. Make eye contact with people outside your group, especially men you find attractive or interesting. Similarly, smile at people outside your group, not like a full on grin but a quick, small smile can make you more approachable. Scan the room often with your eyes, that way if a guy is looking your way you can make eye contact. And when you scan often you can also notice other things that might make you smile. I had one man approach me after he saw me smiling at a cute dog in the brewery we were in. And make sure your body language is open, don’t scrunch your body or be too inward. Be outward, be expressive with your hands and arms, keep your posture upright with shoulders back.
I’m seeing someone and it feels too good to be true! We have consistent communication, we’re on the same page about a lot of things, like the same things… I cant find any reed flags and it’s freaking me out. But he just had a major surgery and I can’t see him for a few weeks. Is this doomed?
Speaking as a person just out of a couple of weeks of (mostly) bed rest and isolation due to back injury - heck no. I had a woman we'd only had had the first date with recommend me a series of books, and we've communicated consistently throughout the whole ordeal (re: books and other stuff). It definitely helped with keeping me positive, which I appreciated, and I couldn't wait to see her, to the point that I went to our second date in a lower back brace. \^_\^ We've had date 4 now, and are going strong, although it might be more of a natural slow burn.
No not doomed at all! Just keep reminding yourself that he's a human being who poops and farts and probably fucks up on his taxes- if you need a hand staying grounded.
Big things happening in my life lately! Taking on more responsibilities at work, joining a women’s division through the company (I work in the construction industry so it’s a big deal to the company!), and got a puppy! Bf brought over his pup last night and his dog is pretty sweet to the new pup, which is great!!
Bf is going through his own big things - mainly he’s looking for a new company to work for. He’s been overworked, stressed, and generally mistreated. I know he’ll find the right place soon, he deserves so much better.
I also stumbled across a huge concert in mid 2024 and bought tickets. It’s one of mine and Bf’s favorite bands. I casually asked “Hey, would you wanna do a long weekend with me in *major city* in 2024?” 🤣 He responded with a “Hell yeah!! What for?”!! Surprised me to say the least - just agreeing without knowing why. I told him and I think he had a minor orgasm lol!! Turns out seeing that band live is one of his bucket list things!! We’re both making extreme long-term plans with each other like it’s no biggie, and I kinda love it.
I took a break from OLD cause I am recovering from ACL surgery but I’m getting a bit more mobile so I just logged back on this week. Im honestly not sure if I’m ready to start dating again mentally. I’ve noticed a lot of guys looking to hook up on OLD right now (like more than usual) which is not where I’m at at all. Also have been giving guys the heads up about my injury, that I’m wearing a brace etc. One dude unmatched after telling him that, which I get maybe it’s a lot to expect someone new to be ok with my situation. But made me feel shitty. Prob gonna pause for the next few weeks again and come back when I feel more like a capable human, just feels like I’m running out of time to find someone and start a family
I have been seeing this person for almost 2 month. We matched back in mid-Nov, but due to sickness and holiday, didn’t meet up till around Christmas. We went on 3 official dates, and Netflix and chill for others (get together about 10 times). We exchange text couple messages daily. When I asked how he think about us, he said he felt good about us, but wanting more time.
I am not sure if this is going anywhere? Should I move on?
Wanting more time for what? Thats the question you need to ask. For exclusivity? For saying you are in a commited relationship? For having certain expectations about such relationship?
Relationships grow over time and are different person by person, but if someone wouldn't want to commit to exclusivity after meeting 10 times, I would seriously question the seriousness of that relationship
That is entirely dependent on what it is you're looking for. Something serious and long-term? Maybe time to move on. Unless you want to wait around for some unspecified amount of time, but I wouldn't recommend it.
You could have one final conversation voicing exactly what you're looking for and see if he's able to meet you there.
Does anyone find themselves occasionally having matches send messages and then unmatch before you get a chance to read them? For example, I recently had:
\- "Where do you like to kayak?"
\- "I like to kayak ..., you?"
\- 3rd message arrives during work and she's unmatched by the time I'm off work
I wonder if folks don't know that unmatching prevents people from seeing the last message.
Yep. Many times I've had a match send me a first message extremely late on Sunday evening (or "blank-match" expecting me to send one) and they've unmatched me by the time work ends on the Monday.
I'm all for people being a bit less forgiving of bad communicators but that seems a little extreme.
My coworker told me he and his wife pay for their son’s dating app (I think bumble); their son is in his mid20. my boyfriend, who was in the convo with us, told me his mom use to pay for some of his premium subscriptions. Just a shower thought/discovery since I didn’t realize this was perhaps a common practice.
a few years ago I tried shaadi dot com out of sheer curiosity (and after watching Indian Matchmaking). it was my first (and only) try with a matrimonial site. was hilarious to see that there was a box to say whether you were running your profile, or a parent, or some other family member. I think I had a brief chat or a match with somebody running it for her sister hahaha
I keep my parents at an arms length when it comes to dating because I find their questions annoying. Like when I was single it just felt like they would ask things like “why are you single?” Gee idk mom, if I knew I probably would have a boyfriend by now. Like I have a bf now but just couldn’t imagine signing off on this kind of help.
I do that too now, their questions are hilarious at best really awkward at worst. Like when I said I was dating someone for a while but didn't work out, they would ask me if I couldn't just become friends, "because thats how me and your dad met". Yes... When you were 16 and giggled to each other for a year long before finally holding hands.
I have an aunt that I do love, but is **super annoyingly invasive** at the most inappropriate times, and would badger me more than my own mother about getting married.
She's also divorced. One year my sister had enough with the "why aren't you married yet?" questions and fired back with "why aren't YOU married ANYMORE?"
Oh good god in heaven the fireworks that erupted at the dinner table that night would have lit up the darkest portions of the night sky. I think the argument lasted the entire holiday weekend, they'd cool off, go to separate parts of the house, start sniping at each other, cool off, repeat.
Profile question for a straight man.
Is putting nerdy in your bio a bad idea?
The term encompasses me fairly well, but I've had some people say it is off putting to women. I know being a nerd not for everyone, but I feel like you're supposed to be looking for people who actually like "you".
Thanks for the help.
I also struggle with this dilemma. The reasons I like DND, sci-fi, etc. aren't the standard reasons, and a profile pic of me GMing isn't going to capture that well.
You mentioned a picture of GMing might not translate well and it immediately invoked an image of a GM doing some silly gestures from behind the screen.
I agree it's not easy, but if you stage the picture a bit and have someone take a picture of you over your screen rolling or holding a book and rolling dice (without a screen) it might come out really well. I want to do this for myself now, but where I play d&d has awful lighting.
I think you might be better off getting specific, like "what's your favorite x-files episode" than just using an all-encompassing term nerdy.
Logan Ury just posted something about not making assumptions about dating profiles (does "catholic" mean goes to midnight mass once a year or A.J. Jacobs style of living Biblically). It's good advice for people, but not often taken so being specific is always better.
If that was on my profile, my partner would have really been into me (not that she wasn't but it just would have been even more telling of a match).
The right answer is Bad Blood, btw. (I'll accept a few other though)
The people it would be positive to are the people more likely to share your interests anyway. The people it puts off are people you'd probably not match as well with.
>The people it would be positive to are the people more likely to share your interests anyway. The people it puts off are people you'd probably not match as well with.
That makes sense. Thank you.
I look for nerdy guys, so I say put it in there. I'm trying to be more transparent in my profile in terms of who I am/what I'm looking for. It'll only put people off who aren't a good match anyway
>I look for nerdy guys, so I say put it in there. I'm trying to be more transparent in my profile in terms of who I am/what I'm looking for. It'll only put people off who aren't a good match anyway
Thanks, that was kind of my thought.
I'm going to see if I can get a good picture of me playing Catan or something visually interesting. Others mentioned showing in photos is better and the more I think about it the more I like the idea.
I think you're right. I've heard a lot of advice that specific beats general. I think I'll describe a couple of my nerdy interests more. I already do have the prompt, I'd love to learn your favorite board game.
Thanks, that helps.
Yeah. The useful thing about being specific is that people into that thing are more likely to match, and even if they personally aren’t into that thing, they can ask you something specific about it. It feels easier as a conversational “in.”
Show don't tell. Nerdy means something different to different people. In what way are you nerdy? Show that in photos or show it with knowledge about something important to you. Just saying "nerdy" is like someone saying "active." Active in what way? Going out and seeing shows? Or athletics? If athletics, which ones? It's too broad/generic to really be useful.
Question: emotions during casual relationship. Do people in casual relationships find their emotions bouncing all over the place, and how do you calm down the emotional bouncing?
Y’all I’ve been in a very communicative, pleasant and fun casual dating situation for the past couple weeks but I’m thinking of ending it because it is throwing my emotions through so many loops. I rationally don’t think we’re right for each other in the long term, but also am very attached because we’ve seen each other a ton. He is emotionally not ready for a relationship, which is both a relief (we’re not right for each other!) and hard for me because I am more emotionally available, at least for the most part. My emotions have been all over the place! How do I get them to cool down? Should I just peace out?
ETA: for context, I don’t think we’re right for each other long term because we are fairly ideologically different from each other and it often feels like conversation does not flow. But damnit if I didn’t get attached anyway!
Casual gets complicated if you are seeing each other a ton. Why are you seeing each other so much if he's not emotionally ready for a relationship? If you want to keep it casual, it helps to have more space from each other, but you both have to be able to regulate that and it seems like neither of you are doing so. You feeling like this could mean that casual just isn't suitable with this particular person, or it could be that maybe casual just isn't for you in general.
Honestly I’m so there with you— I feel like this has been a “lesson learned” situation. We didn’t explicitly say that we wanted casual, but rather that we weren’t necessarily looking for a relationship. Which in practice meant that we saw each other as much as humanly possible for the first few weeks. I think he’s emotionally open in many ways but also still working through his last breakup, so it’s been a lot for him, and a lot for me. We’ve agreed to see each other less and honestly it’s already helping me get some emotional distance. Thanks a lot for this feedback!
This is why I struggle with the idea of casual relationships. It just seems like both parties have insanely complex rules on what is and isn't crossing a line and also I would be really deflated if I saw someone with no pressure, got really into them and then was expected to enjoy being with them up to a point, but then no more....
Right… I knew I saw it working for just casual from the get-go, and even though my opinion hasn’t changed about him I feel like I have no handle on my emotions. I’m either going to suggest we stop seeing each other or we see each other once a week max. For our first 2 weeks together we saw each other constantly which is probably part of the problem. Thanks for this feedback!
I am seriously considering joining a local roller derby group. There is an open house two Monday's from now, and I'm going to go. What a great way to keep going with my skating and make some new friends while also getting some exercise in. I don't know what all it entails and if it'll work with my custody schedule, but this is what the open house is for. I'm pretty nervous, but that probably means i'm stepping far out of my comfort zone.
Go for it, if you don't like it, you can always just not go again. Hopefully you will enjoy it. It also sounds like good timing with the open house, it won't be like you are the only new person there.
It's been such a hectic few weeks at work, I'm so glad it's the weekend. I've been good about keeping up with my running and climbing, but it's been a good reminder to me that I need to be mindful and practice my stress management skills! It's tiring to be 🤯 all the time and a lot of it is just me letting myself get too worked up about things. Might do some journaling this weekend for some actual self care instead of just keeping busy til I crash.
Also, I keep seeing the 'are you a cat person because' prompt on Hinge answered with a picture of their dog and I'm just like 'ok...' I love dogs, but I also love cats and a cat is what I have right now. Why does it have to be one or the other? 🤔 is it intended as a 'dogs are better' brag or a heads up that their dog doesn't like cats or is it supposed to be funny? I've seen several like that lately.
I think it's their way of saying they are a dog person. I feel like if someone is using it that way, they are kinda either warning you, or telling you that you won't be compatible. I like when they mention or show their dog. Makes it easier on all parties.
Matched with someone briefly on Hinge yesterday. I was skeptical because he didn’t disclose the type of relationship he was after, which almost always means casual. But his comment and profile seemed aligned with the LTR I’m after. So I gave it a shot.
We exchanged 2 messages each on cooking (shared hobby) then he quickly unmatched. Got a sense after his 2nd message he was hoping to drive towards a sexual conversation. I was not, because you know, *just matched* and not convinced he wanted anything more than sex yet.
Now I guess the Hinge algorithm thinks I want people who haven’t specified their dating intents and that’s all I’ve been getting since. 😔
I wonder whether pausing my account or just Xing these intentionless likes will reset the algorithm faster.
The same thing just happened to me and it’s making me feel the same way. The people from my standouts are now in my regular feed which could be seen as a positive, but now I haven’t gotten a new match in weeks. Hinge was the only app that worked in some way for me even though I’m on others as well. But now I don’t know what to do.
That’s all we can do for now lol. Although I’m thinking of what I could do if Hinge becomes like the other dating apps for me. Maybe that pushes me to try to meet more people IRL and go to more speed dating events. Or maybe I can change my profile a bit. Do you just plan on swiping until the drought ends?
Bumble used to be fine for me and I get matched every now and then but it’s rare. I feel like that’s based on location too. While Hinge can show you people from further out.
Honestly for me it does feel like homework because some of the profiles are so lame. They’re really attractive but they’re the usual “the way to win me over is… dinner reservations,” “the best way to ask me out is… name a time and place,” “let’s make sure we’re on the same page about.. sleeping with socks on” and I have nothing to comment on in their profile that’s not generic and what I’m sure they usually get.
This is recent so I think I’ll give it another month and then I’ll have to see what I do. I was trying to be more intentional with dating now too so it isn’t ideal but there have to be other ways to meet people. At least I hope so lol.
It comes and goes, but now it’s not been good in that I barely receive any likes. It seems to have changed as my stack changed. While late last year or even earlier this year I’d get likes from people who I found really interesting and attractive, now I don’t get them at all. Maybe my profile is being shown to the “standouts” and that’s why I’m not getting likes.
Do you like the likes you receive?
I had to cancel a first date for today, because the dude invited me to a casino last minute yesterday. When I declined, he said, "Don't be boring." That really bothered me, so I let him know I no longer wanted to meet up. He then said, "Lmao. Enjoy being single then."
Crisis averted.
Gambling or worse thinking they will free themselves from the tyranny of working for a living by making a killing on the markets/with crypto/with highly speculative investments that professionals often lose money on is a massive dealbreaker for me.
I can appreciate that. This casino just opened up and is the first in the area, so a lot of people I know are going just to check it out. It's really not my scene, as I don't drink or smoke, and gambling seems like a waste of money. By default, that makes me boring. Haha.
Hi, I'm new here. I haven't dated in over 13 years and I am separated (divorce processing), initially I never wanted to date again or talk to another man. But, the last few months I've been imagining that one day I can have a real partner and team mate. I'd also like to make different kinds of friends and date but I am so terrified of that intimacy aspect. How do you do it after so long and after getting older?
Just jump in. Don't concentrate on your age or how long you've been single. Other people aren't nearly as critical of us as we are of ourselves. It will be ok. I'm sure with time you will meet someone who will see you as the most beautiful woman in the world.
Thank you
Btw, I once met a guy at a meetup who had **six** dogs, yes (6) dogs, and he was a cool guy but I was like... That's a lot of dogs, man.
Wow. Im genuinely not sure if that'd be a dealbreaker. Was he fostering them?
No they were all his. He seemed to take good care of them and trained them well. It would be a dealbreaker for me personally, but there are some dog-loving women out there lol. Btw I'm not against dogs, one dog would be fine, but so many dogs means a lot of work and your lifestyle will revolve around the dogs.
He’s swimming in b…nvm I don’t wanna get banned lmao
And if he had 6 cats instead, he'd be swimming in pu$$y lmaooo
Over time, I've met a few guys who said they didn't want kids because they can't afford kids, aren't financially stable, "who can afford kids in this economy", etc. (For context, I don't want kids at all and I've had a hysterectomy lol.) It's concerning to me because...I can afford kids. My desire not to have kids is unrelated to finances. So if I eventually disclosed my financial situation to the guy, would he want kids then? Or if one of us got a better paying job, etc. It seems to me that most of these guys would rather have children in an ideal world, which is fine and I hope they're able to have that one day, but I don't want kids even in my ideal world, so I've come to realize this is actually an incompatibility...
No, I say that also. The "what kind of world are we bringing kids into" line of thought and probably even if the world changed overnight, I still really wouldn't want kids. They are probably just using the finances as a scapegoat. Outright saying you don't want kids AT ALL in this society doesn't go over well a lot of times so many of us have learned to smooth it over with various reasons.
Yeah I guess the real fencesitters want to keep the option open, and end up selecting themselves out due to my hysterectomy haha
I have encountered men who have that view ("what kind of world are we bringing kids into" "raising a child is so difficult especially in this economy" etc.) I think it's just that they do not want kids enough, to be honest. Plenty of people who don't make much money who have always wanted kids. If you really truly want them I think it's one of those things you'll do at any cost. So to answer your question no I don't think finding out about your finances would change their preferences.
>I think it's just that they do not want kids enough, to be honest. Plenty of people who don't make much money who have always wanted kids. That's a really good point. I still have it at the back of my mind though after one guy said he would reconsider it once he was able to afford a home (purchase). So if I helped (eventually) and we were able to buy using two incomes, there's a risk he might want kids.
I can't speak for them, but as a woman who doesn't want kids and uses money as an excuse: no, I wouldn't change my mind. Honestly it's just a loaded question that comes with a lot of judgement on personal character (I.e. I've been called selfish, immature, self centered etc.). "In this economy?!" just changes the subject faster.
I've been called all of that too unfortunately, but I thought after the guy knows I'm also childfree, he wouldn't feel the need to justify himself. I guess it's worth a further discussion with the guy to understand/make sure he's not childfree only for financial reasons. One guy said he would reconsider it once he was able to afford a home (purchase) and I was like wait, noooo.
>I guess it's worth a further discussion with the guy to understand/make sure he's not childfree only for financial reasons. That seems like the best way to go about it. I've had a childfree mindset since my early 20s with financial being the biggest motive at the time, but since then my list has grown and I'd have no problem explaining a dozen reasons why I don't want children now.
I’m getting better at just saying thanks but no thanks to guys with no real dating intention and just want to “see where it goes”
As a man I've come to learn that line coming from women means "I want a sex only relationship", so I also have learned to say no thanks.
Precisely. It’s not specific to any gender. I just only talk about men because I only like men, haha.
Yes! Do not reward that wishy washy BS. Good for you
Is that what it is? Wow. I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to try to exactly "see where it goes" without the pressure of *having to* develop romantic feelings or sparks, which are extremely rare for me.
I’m in my mid thirties. Like, it’s not about my clock ticking, but it is old enough to know what I want and not waste time. Be casual if you don’t want commitment. But just say it. Acting like a skittish horse about it is beneath me.
I think it’s fine in certain circumstances. But I’ve seen way too many guys willing to string women along saying things like this when they have no intention of ever committing further. No guy whose ever actually wanted to date has said “let’s see where it goes”- but plenty of guys who wanted sex with no commitment have.
Hi all, first time reader and first time poster. "I decided we were not a good fit". Was the message I got after some followup comms when I discovered she was not altogether honest in the 1st instance! Who is more to blame here? I'm inclined to say her! 1) She said she was Open Relationship in Sping last year, she was/is married. 2) Her name supposedly was X, it actually was Y but of same 1st letter. 3) She made me wait 16 days for the answer "different interests" "Hope you find someone else soon". 4) Didn't wish to discuss- blocked me on app within a week, had already blocked me on phone presumably. I tried to discuss nicely, she clearly saw posts and ignored. I supposedly became excessively intense in my comms and she blocked- labelling her a gold-digger was the last straw. I rather hate her all told, am convinced there was some ulterior motive. Am I in the wrong here?
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Thank you, maybe this was mutually beneficical. Well this is true. She was not altogether honest in the 1st instance however- "Open Relationship" vs "married" and the different name thing. Blame? Well it's a case of learning lessons too, for me anyway but there's something I deeply distrust about her motives. I reckon she is dishonest in certain areas and would love to see it exposed. The 16 day gap thing though well...not a fan. Questioning her motives there!
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Hmm this is fair and makes some sense. She made the decision in the way that she did and subsequent matters stemmed from there...my impression is that she has acted in a rather questionable way and had her cake and eaten it, I am convinced there was some suspect motive on her part. Put another way, wonder what her husband, family, friends or even employer know about her account on the site?? Wonder how honest she has been with THEM! Interesting that I was informed she has deactivated or deleted that profile on the site. Wonder if it's come back to bite her? 🤞
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I've slept on it and agree with a lot of your post but it does anger me all the same and a certain level of karma means I hope that she stuffs herself, hoists herself by her own petard somewhat.
As to the morality police point, maybe but part of me believes that if she learnt that certain actions have certain consequences perhaps it would benefit everyone.
Thank you. I suppose they don't but it rankles, thinking about it antagonises me. I should stop thinking about this bug...and I had until a few pints on 14th Feb! I do sort of sometimes in my angrier moments fantasise about tipping some of them off- after all they were at her wedding in August! Which ironically I found as someone in my Twitter feed seems to know her and he posted some photos from it.
Had a second date with a guy who reached back out after we went on a (great!) first date a few months ago. Tons of chemistry on the first date and it ended with making out for a few hours. Today the conversation was good and I feel like we’re really compatible, but it felt really “friendly” today. Not knowing how to read the situation but it is what it is.
Was it a mutual ghost after the first date?
No, he kept in contact following the date but shortly after the first date left the country for 4 weeks, and also had some (definitely legit) stuff going on with his house. When I asked about a second date at the time, he mentioned those things, and this time when he reached out said he felt like he was in a less busy place.
Man, I am feeling quite lonely and down right now. It's hard anytime a dating prospect doesn't work out, but I think (1) my ego is still coping with the rejection from earlier this week, and (2) the apps have been nothing but crickets for me for a while now. I had an absolute blast at a birthday party last night, and today I played video games with friends for a good 4 hours, but now that I'm alone, the sadboi feels are really, really sinking in. Anyone else in the same boat? If so, sending you fellow sadboi hugs.
I had a sadgurl cry tonight while watching a movie and can empathize… hugs
It really hits you at those moments. Like I’ll be at a party, have a great time, but then on the way home by myself you really feel it sink in. Like everyone else goes home with someone but I don’t. I hope you can find things to keep you entertained so that your mind doesn’t stay there.
Sadboi has entered the chat 👋 It's going to be a long night. Hugs.
Even when you have an active social life, it's hard not to feel down if you enjoy the kinds of dynamics that you can only have in a non-platonic relationship.
This is what I say to people who say "you're not alone! you have friends!" Being realistic, it just isn't the same thing.
I recently reconnected with a guy I went on two dates with last summer. I was so disappointed when it fizzled, but now it seems like we’re both in a different emotional place after having more dating experiences since the summer. We’re going on a date next weekend, and I’m excited! 😁
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What did you reply? Did you ask het out for a date so she can re-confirm what she thinks?
Men on DOT - what do you look for in a woman's profile/bio? Specifically if goal is relationship or more than casual dating. In the past I've kept my bio/about me short and sweet - enough to convey interests and a little humor but without a lot of words or fluff. I'm trying to date intentionally and probably need my bio to reflect that (other than 'looking for: relationship').
Details. I want to know what makes her brain tick, sorta speak. Not just interests and hobbies, but I'm gleaning for info such as "is she codependent or independent?" and such. Also I can tell if a woman's motivation for a relationship is because she's just horny/lonely, rather than wanting a partner to add to her already fulfilling life and I watch for those key details too. Let ppl know what it'd be like to be with you day to day, not just the cool stuff like that European vacation you took four years ago.
Something longer, with more depth and detail. Something that shows seriousness and effort. Short and sweet, I've found, usually means just looking to hook up. I need to see someone is actually serious, monogamous, and wanting something more long term/permanent.
We’re visual beings so physical attraction is a big one. You don’t have to expose yourself, but full body pictures and in different outfits can give a good representation of who you are. For prompts, I like knowing that they aren’t just like every profile I come across and put in effort. I encounter so many one word answers to prompts that aren’t conversation starters. If you can talk about what’s important to you, your interests, and get a little weird, then in a way I’d feel like there’s a lot more to you and I want to know you more.
This is just me but I’m most drawn to profiles that talk about their favorite music/movies/books etc, and what they’re curious about or want to learn more about. But that’s probably because this is how I most often connect with partners. Otherwise it’s nice to see some humor/lightheartedness
Went on a date that was a friend intro. We had demographics and interests in common, but I came away from the date feeling like I was too much. I am pretty chatty, outgoing, and friendly, and I seem to hit it off best with guys who are introverted and relatively calm/curious/vulnerable on a date.
I feel like I'm too much too sometimes. I tend to tell men pretty early on that I can be a bit "extra". It is something I recognize about myself so I try to reign it in but it doesn't always work. I tend to connect better with men that are more introverted and calm as well. I'm going on a first date with someone in a little while who is obviously an extrovert. I'm honestly not sure what to expect so I'm trying to go in with no expectations instead. He seems very nice and the texting is fluid so we shall see.
Extroverts work for me as long as they're very confident in themselves! I have had it happen once or twice where we had a nice banter style because we were both very extroverted and comfortable. I guess either way, introvert or extrovert, I only feel a connection if I can feel that the other person is truly comfortable with whatever role they're playing in the conversation.
Our 3rd date is tomorrow and texting has been consistent all week. I am very much looking forward to seeing him, I hope it all goes well.
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Once you get some general information.
I would find it hard to connect with someone over an app if I've never met them. I'd want to meet someone straight away.
Imo you can say that right away.
Especially right now. The apps seem to be crickets for everybody.
Feeling v relieved that it's not just me
Agree - I appreciate that up front versus the pain of teeth pulling conversation on the app
My best friend wanted me to meet her husband's friend, because she thought we would be a good match, so they took me to the pub where they were celebrating his birthday. He texted me the next day saying that it was a very nice surprise that I was there and I seemed very nice and fun. We’ve been texting since then, it’s been over a month. However, I don’t think he’s interested in me and that’s a pity, because he’s a nice guy :(
I totally understand if you want an assertive man - but this seems like a situation in which you could totally ask him out as he seems interested! Or, tell your best friend to tell her husband to tell his friend that you'd be into it if he asked you on a date. Maybe he doesn't want to assume and make things awkward.
I think option 2 would be better, because it’s not so direct, but on the other hand, I always prefer to take matters in my hands 😂
To be fair NYT Modern Love has sort of ruined stuff like this for me. Every goddamn time it's, "he met her at a party but didn't get her number before she left, so he scrolled through his friend's entire Instagram, found her, DM'd her and directly asked her for a date" Those men exist.... somewhere I guess :D
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Well, when I told my friend I think he’s not interested, she said her husband said that if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t text me for that long 😂 And that he’s anxious and a chicken in general. I’m afraid to ask him out, because I was burned before.
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Eh, maybe I will think of a way to ask him out, but it scares the shit out of me xD
I'm going to an outside yoga event tomorrow, and I'd like to be able to use some pictures in my dating profile. (1) What would be a good pose or action shot to take for a profile? (2) How should I ask a stranger to take a picture of me? Would it be weird to say, "can you take a picture of me while I pose?" lol
You could always offer to take turns and snap some photos for them as well!
I think downward dog (from the side), tree pose, or warrior II would be good. It depends on the vibe of the event. If people seem very friendly then go for it.
I also vote tree pose or warrior I/II! If you’re outdoors, Lotus with a picturesque background would be chefs kiss
I'd suggest low light filter with medium gradient and a white balance of about 15000K
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What is bougie? I keep seeing this word.
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Short for bourgeois. It means pretentious about money
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My second date with someone I met off Hinge went insanely well: we like all the same activities and find it easy to talk about big stuff without it being awkward. We had sex on that date and since then we've had three sleepovers including a Valentine's celebration. We're going away this weekend to a kitschy hotel in the area. We're both so excited but both aware that it's moving fast and that we don't want to make the other person feel weird about it. I can tell he's also very surprised that something is working out so well (we both had a few slow periods in terms of compatibility with dates/partners) so it doesn't give the love bombing vibe but rather the feeling of having a crush. It's been so long since I liked someone and they really liked me back. Not being insecure about someone's level of attachment for once is really improving my quality of life 🙂
Happy for you! Feeling secure is the best.
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ugh same. I texted all FIVE of my friends and they were all busy. Tf? Now I have to hang out with my mom, v. lame.
Nothing wrong with that :)
We found the Mom
Joined Bumble as a average looking woman with a joke profile on a saturday evening. Pray for me.
Thoughts and prayers 🤞🏼
I was wondering if it’s possible to change behavior to get hit on more in person? Like I can arrange a date here and there over an app. These are always first dates only- no one I’ve wanted to see again and then either. I (37f) try to be myself in public- positive, kind, supportive, and loving- project what I want back. I never really get approached though in person. I was wondering if that’s possible? I have a couple friends who have vibrant dating lives. They are very bubbly and chatty. As lovely as they are- I can feel really overshadowed- I know that’s coming from me not them. I often feel there’s no room in a friend group for someone with my more chill energy - not a total introvert at all, but people tend to say I’m very stable, calm, and gentle. I’ve been called benign. I just take awhile to understand the connection w people and then people call me funny and quirky. Still, I’m not especially an attention getter - that’s just what is. Is it possible to make changes to increase engagement in person?
There’s a hilarious article by a lady in DC that spent a week trying to get hit at coffee shops, highly relatable. I don’t know if links are allowed here but it’s on the Washingtonian and title is “ This Woman Tried to Flirt While Working Remotely From DC Coffee Shops. She Documented It All for Us.”
> I choose to sit at a little cafe table for two near a handsome guy who grimaces at me when I try to make eye contact—but now I am sitting and I cannot get up (life alert). Holy shit what a great read. Extremely relatable, as I also don't get approached IRL. (Of course I'm usually donning headphones and a scowl, but.)
Guy who hits on girls in person here. Most of us who aren't creeps or incredibly outgoing crowd-workers are looking for some kind of signal that a girl would like for us to approach them, or, failing that, at least some kind of opening from her that we can use to kick things off. I'll give you two examples: 1. I'm working in a coffee shop, and the girl at the next table over asks me if I'd watch her laptop for a minute. I agree and when she gets back I make some little joke about how I had to fight people off to protect it, she laughs and makes some joking reply back, which gives me a reason to think she's willing for me to chat with her. I probably wouldn't have said anything to her if she had just been working beside me and hadn't spoken to me first or played along with my testing-the-waters joke. 2. I'm in a bar and I keep catching a girl's eye -- I think she even smiles at me once? She's cute, I can tell she's looking at me, and so I want to talk to her, but she's in this huddle with her friends and I can't really get to her without addressing her whole friend group at once, so there's no chance I'll talk to her. But later she gets up to order a drink and kind of lingers at the bar alone on the same side of the room as my table just sort of playing with her hair (super cute and I couldn't help but go over to her after that). I definitely would not describe this person as bubbly or vibrant, but she still succeeded in giving me some cues that it wouldn't take her off guard if I approached her. So I'd say: be cute, be in the right place, and give us some kind of indicator of interest or willingness to be approached. Plenty of us would really like to approach you but not unless you give us some cue that you won't feel bad if we do so.
Thank you for the thoughtful reply. i feel bad that men think we think you’re creepy. I’m sorry about that. I probably don’t give off enough of indicators. Just as an experiment, I’m trying to communicate openness and availability and see if I can create these engagements outside of apps. Best to you
I’ve been approached by a few men in person and I find that it helps to make sure you are approachable. Make eye contact with people outside your group, especially men you find attractive or interesting. Similarly, smile at people outside your group, not like a full on grin but a quick, small smile can make you more approachable. Scan the room often with your eyes, that way if a guy is looking your way you can make eye contact. And when you scan often you can also notice other things that might make you smile. I had one man approach me after he saw me smiling at a cute dog in the brewery we were in. And make sure your body language is open, don’t scrunch your body or be too inward. Be outward, be expressive with your hands and arms, keep your posture upright with shoulders back.
True true- present availability is a hard one but an obvious behavior to assume! Thank you!
I’m seeing someone and it feels too good to be true! We have consistent communication, we’re on the same page about a lot of things, like the same things… I cant find any reed flags and it’s freaking me out. But he just had a major surgery and I can’t see him for a few weeks. Is this doomed?
Speaking as a person just out of a couple of weeks of (mostly) bed rest and isolation due to back injury - heck no. I had a woman we'd only had had the first date with recommend me a series of books, and we've communicated consistently throughout the whole ordeal (re: books and other stuff). It definitely helped with keeping me positive, which I appreciated, and I couldn't wait to see her, to the point that I went to our second date in a lower back brace. \^_\^ We've had date 4 now, and are going strong, although it might be more of a natural slow burn.
No not doomed at all! Just keep reminding yourself that he's a human being who poops and farts and probably fucks up on his taxes- if you need a hand staying grounded.
Big things happening in my life lately! Taking on more responsibilities at work, joining a women’s division through the company (I work in the construction industry so it’s a big deal to the company!), and got a puppy! Bf brought over his pup last night and his dog is pretty sweet to the new pup, which is great!! Bf is going through his own big things - mainly he’s looking for a new company to work for. He’s been overworked, stressed, and generally mistreated. I know he’ll find the right place soon, he deserves so much better. I also stumbled across a huge concert in mid 2024 and bought tickets. It’s one of mine and Bf’s favorite bands. I casually asked “Hey, would you wanna do a long weekend with me in *major city* in 2024?” 🤣 He responded with a “Hell yeah!! What for?”!! Surprised me to say the least - just agreeing without knowing why. I told him and I think he had a minor orgasm lol!! Turns out seeing that band live is one of his bucket list things!! We’re both making extreme long-term plans with each other like it’s no biggie, and I kinda love it.
Awww it always feels so reassuring to make long term plans with no hesitation
I took a break from OLD cause I am recovering from ACL surgery but I’m getting a bit more mobile so I just logged back on this week. Im honestly not sure if I’m ready to start dating again mentally. I’ve noticed a lot of guys looking to hook up on OLD right now (like more than usual) which is not where I’m at at all. Also have been giving guys the heads up about my injury, that I’m wearing a brace etc. One dude unmatched after telling him that, which I get maybe it’s a lot to expect someone new to be ok with my situation. But made me feel shitty. Prob gonna pause for the next few weeks again and come back when I feel more like a capable human, just feels like I’m running out of time to find someone and start a family
That's frustrating. People can be so flakey.
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Oh my gosh, I hate this part so much. Please try to keep busy as best you can to keep your mind off of it.
I have been seeing this person for almost 2 month. We matched back in mid-Nov, but due to sickness and holiday, didn’t meet up till around Christmas. We went on 3 official dates, and Netflix and chill for others (get together about 10 times). We exchange text couple messages daily. When I asked how he think about us, he said he felt good about us, but wanting more time. I am not sure if this is going anywhere? Should I move on?
Wanting more time for what? Thats the question you need to ask. For exclusivity? For saying you are in a commited relationship? For having certain expectations about such relationship?
Yeah, we both wanted long term relationship. i think it’s to label or commit to exclusivity and be in a real relationship.
Relationships grow over time and are different person by person, but if someone wouldn't want to commit to exclusivity after meeting 10 times, I would seriously question the seriousness of that relationship
That is entirely dependent on what it is you're looking for. Something serious and long-term? Maybe time to move on. Unless you want to wait around for some unspecified amount of time, but I wouldn't recommend it. You could have one final conversation voicing exactly what you're looking for and see if he's able to meet you there.
Does anyone find themselves occasionally having matches send messages and then unmatch before you get a chance to read them? For example, I recently had: \- "Where do you like to kayak?" \- "I like to kayak ..., you?" \- 3rd message arrives during work and she's unmatched by the time I'm off work I wonder if folks don't know that unmatching prevents people from seeing the last message.
Yep. Many times I've had a match send me a first message extremely late on Sunday evening (or "blank-match" expecting me to send one) and they've unmatched me by the time work ends on the Monday. I'm all for people being a bit less forgiving of bad communicators but that seems a little extreme.
My coworker told me he and his wife pay for their son’s dating app (I think bumble); their son is in his mid20. my boyfriend, who was in the convo with us, told me his mom use to pay for some of his premium subscriptions. Just a shower thought/discovery since I didn’t realize this was perhaps a common practice.
that's already bad, but consider that on marriage apps for people like Indians, a lot of the profiles themselves are run by the parents 😂
Yep lol, I'm Indian and can confirm
a few years ago I tried shaadi dot com out of sheer curiosity (and after watching Indian Matchmaking). it was my first (and only) try with a matrimonial site. was hilarious to see that there was a box to say whether you were running your profile, or a parent, or some other family member. I think I had a brief chat or a match with somebody running it for her sister hahaha
Hoo boy, Shaadi\.com has some...interesting users/profiles 😂
My mom always asks me when I'm going to get married and I can 100% see her doing this as a present for something, it'd be adorable
This level of helicopter parenting sounds like it's from an Onion article. Amazing.
I keep my parents at an arms length when it comes to dating because I find their questions annoying. Like when I was single it just felt like they would ask things like “why are you single?” Gee idk mom, if I knew I probably would have a boyfriend by now. Like I have a bf now but just couldn’t imagine signing off on this kind of help.
I do that too now, their questions are hilarious at best really awkward at worst. Like when I said I was dating someone for a while but didn't work out, they would ask me if I couldn't just become friends, "because thats how me and your dad met". Yes... When you were 16 and giggled to each other for a year long before finally holding hands.
I have an aunt that I do love, but is **super annoyingly invasive** at the most inappropriate times, and would badger me more than my own mother about getting married. She's also divorced. One year my sister had enough with the "why aren't you married yet?" questions and fired back with "why aren't YOU married ANYMORE?" Oh good god in heaven the fireworks that erupted at the dinner table that night would have lit up the darkest portions of the night sky. I think the argument lasted the entire holiday weekend, they'd cool off, go to separate parts of the house, start sniping at each other, cool off, repeat.
It really does.
"We will explore any avenue possible to get him moved out before age 40...."
LoL I had the same thought.
Profile question for a straight man. Is putting nerdy in your bio a bad idea? The term encompasses me fairly well, but I've had some people say it is off putting to women. I know being a nerd not for everyone, but I feel like you're supposed to be looking for people who actually like "you". Thanks for the help.
As someone who likes dating fellow nerds, you can put it but you’re better off being specific about what you’re into.
Thanks being specific is definitely the consensus. I'll have to think of some clever words.
I also struggle with this dilemma. The reasons I like DND, sci-fi, etc. aren't the standard reasons, and a profile pic of me GMing isn't going to capture that well.
You mentioned a picture of GMing might not translate well and it immediately invoked an image of a GM doing some silly gestures from behind the screen. I agree it's not easy, but if you stage the picture a bit and have someone take a picture of you over your screen rolling or holding a book and rolling dice (without a screen) it might come out really well. I want to do this for myself now, but where I play d&d has awful lighting.
Yeah, you've changed my mind. It's worth trying to set something up next time I host.
I think you might be better off getting specific, like "what's your favorite x-files episode" than just using an all-encompassing term nerdy. Logan Ury just posted something about not making assumptions about dating profiles (does "catholic" mean goes to midnight mass once a year or A.J. Jacobs style of living Biblically). It's good advice for people, but not often taken so being specific is always better. If that was on my profile, my partner would have really been into me (not that she wasn't but it just would have been even more telling of a match). The right answer is Bad Blood, btw. (I'll accept a few other though)
The people it would be positive to are the people more likely to share your interests anyway. The people it puts off are people you'd probably not match as well with.
>The people it would be positive to are the people more likely to share your interests anyway. The people it puts off are people you'd probably not match as well with. That makes sense. Thank you.
I look for nerdy guys, so I say put it in there. I'm trying to be more transparent in my profile in terms of who I am/what I'm looking for. It'll only put people off who aren't a good match anyway
>I look for nerdy guys, so I say put it in there. I'm trying to be more transparent in my profile in terms of who I am/what I'm looking for. It'll only put people off who aren't a good match anyway Thanks, that was kind of my thought. I'm going to see if I can get a good picture of me playing Catan or something visually interesting. Others mentioned showing in photos is better and the more I think about it the more I like the idea.
I don't think it is offputting at this point but I am extremely online. What specific form does the nerdiness take? Maybe frame it as "I love x"
I think you're right. I've heard a lot of advice that specific beats general. I think I'll describe a couple of my nerdy interests more. I already do have the prompt, I'd love to learn your favorite board game. Thanks, that helps.
Yeah. The useful thing about being specific is that people into that thing are more likely to match, and even if they personally aren’t into that thing, they can ask you something specific about it. It feels easier as a conversational “in.”
That's a good point, those early conversations can be tough to start.
Show don't tell. Nerdy means something different to different people. In what way are you nerdy? Show that in photos or show it with knowledge about something important to you. Just saying "nerdy" is like someone saying "active." Active in what way? Going out and seeing shows? Or athletics? If athletics, which ones? It's too broad/generic to really be useful.
That makes a lot of sense, thanks.
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Ok thanks.
Question: emotions during casual relationship. Do people in casual relationships find their emotions bouncing all over the place, and how do you calm down the emotional bouncing? Y’all I’ve been in a very communicative, pleasant and fun casual dating situation for the past couple weeks but I’m thinking of ending it because it is throwing my emotions through so many loops. I rationally don’t think we’re right for each other in the long term, but also am very attached because we’ve seen each other a ton. He is emotionally not ready for a relationship, which is both a relief (we’re not right for each other!) and hard for me because I am more emotionally available, at least for the most part. My emotions have been all over the place! How do I get them to cool down? Should I just peace out? ETA: for context, I don’t think we’re right for each other long term because we are fairly ideologically different from each other and it often feels like conversation does not flow. But damnit if I didn’t get attached anyway!
Casual gets complicated if you are seeing each other a ton. Why are you seeing each other so much if he's not emotionally ready for a relationship? If you want to keep it casual, it helps to have more space from each other, but you both have to be able to regulate that and it seems like neither of you are doing so. You feeling like this could mean that casual just isn't suitable with this particular person, or it could be that maybe casual just isn't for you in general.
Honestly I’m so there with you— I feel like this has been a “lesson learned” situation. We didn’t explicitly say that we wanted casual, but rather that we weren’t necessarily looking for a relationship. Which in practice meant that we saw each other as much as humanly possible for the first few weeks. I think he’s emotionally open in many ways but also still working through his last breakup, so it’s been a lot for him, and a lot for me. We’ve agreed to see each other less and honestly it’s already helping me get some emotional distance. Thanks a lot for this feedback!
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Thank you so much- that’s really helpful!
This is why I struggle with the idea of casual relationships. It just seems like both parties have insanely complex rules on what is and isn't crossing a line and also I would be really deflated if I saw someone with no pressure, got really into them and then was expected to enjoy being with them up to a point, but then no more....
Right… I knew I saw it working for just casual from the get-go, and even though my opinion hasn’t changed about him I feel like I have no handle on my emotions. I’m either going to suggest we stop seeing each other or we see each other once a week max. For our first 2 weeks together we saw each other constantly which is probably part of the problem. Thanks for this feedback!
I am seriously considering joining a local roller derby group. There is an open house two Monday's from now, and I'm going to go. What a great way to keep going with my skating and make some new friends while also getting some exercise in. I don't know what all it entails and if it'll work with my custody schedule, but this is what the open house is for. I'm pretty nervous, but that probably means i'm stepping far out of my comfort zone.
Go for it! At worse, you don’t like it, at best, new hobby.
Exactly!
Go for it, if you don't like it, you can always just not go again. Hopefully you will enjoy it. It also sounds like good timing with the open house, it won't be like you are the only new person there.
Yep exactly! Seems like a great time to try it out.
It's been such a hectic few weeks at work, I'm so glad it's the weekend. I've been good about keeping up with my running and climbing, but it's been a good reminder to me that I need to be mindful and practice my stress management skills! It's tiring to be 🤯 all the time and a lot of it is just me letting myself get too worked up about things. Might do some journaling this weekend for some actual self care instead of just keeping busy til I crash. Also, I keep seeing the 'are you a cat person because' prompt on Hinge answered with a picture of their dog and I'm just like 'ok...' I love dogs, but I also love cats and a cat is what I have right now. Why does it have to be one or the other? 🤔 is it intended as a 'dogs are better' brag or a heads up that their dog doesn't like cats or is it supposed to be funny? I've seen several like that lately.
I think it's their way of saying they are a dog person. I feel like if someone is using it that way, they are kinda either warning you, or telling you that you won't be compatible. I like when they mention or show their dog. Makes it easier on all parties.
I have never ever been known to overthink absolutely everything 😏😂
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That's really cool! Dating apps can be draining, so it's good to see positive things coming from them.
I can’t tell if I truly want to be a better version of myself *for* myself or because it may get hot men to go out with me ☠️
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I recently saw a lady IRL who liked me on two apps...she was with somebody who could've been my twin lol
Haha yeah, half the guys I’ve dated look like clones of one another.
Matched with someone briefly on Hinge yesterday. I was skeptical because he didn’t disclose the type of relationship he was after, which almost always means casual. But his comment and profile seemed aligned with the LTR I’m after. So I gave it a shot. We exchanged 2 messages each on cooking (shared hobby) then he quickly unmatched. Got a sense after his 2nd message he was hoping to drive towards a sexual conversation. I was not, because you know, *just matched* and not convinced he wanted anything more than sex yet. Now I guess the Hinge algorithm thinks I want people who haven’t specified their dating intents and that’s all I’ve been getting since. 😔 I wonder whether pausing my account or just Xing these intentionless likes will reset the algorithm faster.
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The same thing just happened to me and it’s making me feel the same way. The people from my standouts are now in my regular feed which could be seen as a positive, but now I haven’t gotten a new match in weeks. Hinge was the only app that worked in some way for me even though I’m on others as well. But now I don’t know what to do.
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That’s all we can do for now lol. Although I’m thinking of what I could do if Hinge becomes like the other dating apps for me. Maybe that pushes me to try to meet more people IRL and go to more speed dating events. Or maybe I can change my profile a bit. Do you just plan on swiping until the drought ends?
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Bumble used to be fine for me and I get matched every now and then but it’s rare. I feel like that’s based on location too. While Hinge can show you people from further out. Honestly for me it does feel like homework because some of the profiles are so lame. They’re really attractive but they’re the usual “the way to win me over is… dinner reservations,” “the best way to ask me out is… name a time and place,” “let’s make sure we’re on the same page about.. sleeping with socks on” and I have nothing to comment on in their profile that’s not generic and what I’m sure they usually get. This is recent so I think I’ll give it another month and then I’ll have to see what I do. I was trying to be more intentional with dating now too so it isn’t ideal but there have to be other ways to meet people. At least I hope so lol.
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It comes and goes, but now it’s not been good in that I barely receive any likes. It seems to have changed as my stack changed. While late last year or even earlier this year I’d get likes from people who I found really interesting and attractive, now I don’t get them at all. Maybe my profile is being shown to the “standouts” and that’s why I’m not getting likes. Do you like the likes you receive?
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What do you mean by rounding up your interest?
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I feel like we all try to go at people we date like either men or women are the problem. When in reality we all are lol. It’s just different.
I had to cancel a first date for today, because the dude invited me to a casino last minute yesterday. When I declined, he said, "Don't be boring." That really bothered me, so I let him know I no longer wanted to meet up. He then said, "Lmao. Enjoy being single then." Crisis averted.
Ew, rude. Bullet dodged.
Gambling or worse thinking they will free themselves from the tyranny of working for a living by making a killing on the markets/with crypto/with highly speculative investments that professionals often lose money on is a massive dealbreaker for me.
I can appreciate that. This casino just opened up and is the first in the area, so a lot of people I know are going just to check it out. It's really not my scene, as I don't drink or smoke, and gambling seems like a waste of money. By default, that makes me boring. Haha.
Better to be boring than to be so dumb you can't refrain from insulting someone you are trying to sleep with......
Good job, sounds like a douchebag!