I met up with the guy I dated in high school/college today. We had a mutual break up about 18 years ago (!!) He was always "the one who got away" for me. I had always regretted the way in which we parted ways, but it was necessary at the time. I thought of him frequently throughout the years, but assumed he was happily married and assumed I was as well, so I never reached out so as not to rock the boat of our committed relationships.
He has been randomly crossing my path lately and I have come to find out that we both recently divorced under eerily similar circumstances involving infidelity from our ex spouses, so I made the leap to reach out to him and he obliged to meet up with me.
I have zero expectations, but it was so nice to catch up with someone who was once my best friend and not have to play all the typical OLD games. The conversation flowed like we had never even been apart a day. It was just a really great day and I hope we can keep meeting up as at least friends. Just putting that into the universe for today.
I (32F) just got dumped by my boyfriend (32M). We broke up before, but he started begging for me back and I decided to give him a second chance.
After a year and a half he still doesnt know what he wants in a relationship or in life. He's working on himself, which is great but I dont think he has the energy to work on our relationship too.
I am gutted. Why do so many people not know what they want? It happened with the last long term relationship too. Maybe its me, its exhausting.
We broke up the first time because he doesnt know what he wants, now he's working on himself and in therapy but he still doesnt know. It makes me really anxious not knowing where he wants the relationship to go which makes him feel pressured to give me an answer when he hasn't got a clue.
Maybe he's just not that into me, but maybe he genuinely needs to find himself. Either way, it sucks a lot
Ah yeah, im in therapy as well but ive been doing it for a long time. I think I have been making too many excuses for him in all fairness. Trying to see all of the good in him
Welp, tonight I asked guy I have been seeing for the last 2 months if he wanted to be in a relationship / try something more serious with me, and got a very clear rejection due to him not being ready and not looking for a relationship (with me). Asked if he wanted to be friends - no response at all.
I am sad but at least now I know where things stand.
>Asked if he wanted to be friends - no response at all.
i know this stings now. it's temporary, i promise. you know this and i know this, too.
what i respect about this guy is that he knows he's not going for the 'friendship' card.
Sorry you didn’t get the answer you were looking for, but well done for having the courage to ask him directly and put yourself out there like that. Hope the feelings of sadness pass soon.
Amicable breakup between me (31F) and the 35M I was dating for 6 months. It’s the longest I’ve dated someone from OLD, and my first real prospect since deciding that I was ready for something serious. It hurts. We really care about each other, but our communication styles were mismatched. While we had many great moments, it also turned into an unhealthy and emotionally exhausting push-pull cycle.
I’m bummed but will take the all the time to heal and lick my wounds before trying to get back out there. At least I don’t have to worry about Valentine’s Day plans now?
Nah, this is on her. I've had the exact same thing happen and now I make sure to ask if they don't have it listed on their profile.
As a side note, I don't think 4 failed prospects is unusual. That's just how dating goes. They all fail until one doesn't.
I’m sorry, that’s really shitty that the fact that she had kids wasn’t disclosed.
I lean child-free and usually filter out anyone who says they want kids. Turns out the guy I was dating didn’t want to close the door on the idea of having at least 1 kid. I flubbed and told him if consider it if we ever get to that point…and honestly, it felt like such a huge concession that maybe the relationship was doomed from the start. Too bad I didn’t get there until 6 months in. Best of luck with drafting that message!
I don’t know why I was so scared to text him how I felt. I had a random burst of confidence tonight and told him I missed talking to him and he immediately replied and said he did too, and missed holding me. Now we’re talking again. I am so happy…
I wish HSV wasn’t stigmatized. I learned the hard was the STD panel doesn’t include this because it’s so common and without outbreak you’re prone to false positives. So people who get tested think they are in the clear but go and spread it.
Are you me?! I relate to this sooo hard and just had a similar experience where I walked away from someone who was emotionally detached and a dead end relationship-wise, but who I had been pining over and had undeniable chemistry with . The next day, I had a lovely dinner with a friend who has expressed interest in me and some of his friends. By all accounts, that evening with that group left me feeling so much happier, engaged, and relaxed than I ever did with the first man. But I didn’t walk away wanting to date my friend - just left reminded as to all the additional qualities that I want and feelings I also want to have around a partner in addition to that elusive “spark.” Overall bummed I didn’t find the right mix of those needs in these men, or men I’ve met who I instantly connect with but already have partners.
I completely relate to fearing and perhaps identifying if I myself am emotionally unavailable if I’m attracting and attaching to people who can’t give me a sense of emotional security either - sussing out true incompatibility vs personal emotional unavailability is super hard. I’m trying to be as upfront and honest in all interactions moving forward - good or bad — so my own emotional transparency isn’t a factor.
I feeeeeeel this deeply. I’m exploring non monogamy just because I feel like it will be so hard to find one person who fills both those roles—the kinky and the regular life side of things. I think we just need to believe it will be true, and so it will be maybe?
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I never truly understood this. I give them my number and say we can text, but if they don’t want to yet then that’s their choice. Especially as men, we don’t know what women go through and what experiences they may have had with texting before they felt comfortable doing so. It feels so hard to meet someone you like that having that as a dealbreaker is weird.
Is a 26 year age gap too big? (Yes)
Met this guy. We have been out a few times and it’s fine. He really wants kids, which he keeps talking about a lot. Probably wants kids more than I do; which made sense to me. I thought he was 45 which already feels kinda old for me, and that seems to be the age for men in NYC who didn’t settle down earlier to decide suddenly they’re ready. He’s actually 55 it turns out lol.
Is it bad I got turned off? I’m 29 and I’ve been trying to date around 28-35 and thought I would try dating a guy clearly older… but not that old lol.
I mean he’s a good looking guy but I liked his sense of humor. I find myself most attracted to guys in the 30-35 range and I thought he was 45 because that’s typically the very tail end of what I can tolerate in terms of attractiveness level
I'm the same age and the idea of going on a date with a 55 year old grosses me out at this point, the gap is just way too weird. He would be retiring at the same age as I would want to be having kids.
I'm feeling really crummy this weekend, and just kind of letting myself be in it. I'm dating a nice guy but he has strep throat so no plans with him the past few days, which is fine. It's kind of nice that I get to hibernate when I want to.
My soul dog is at the end of her life. I started tracking her "bad days" to get a good perspective of how often they're happening, and I realized it's happening more frequently than I thought. It hurts a lot.
For some reason I have a 30 day gap in the number of my antidepressants I got last time and the next time my insurance will provide a refill (I get a 90 day supply). I didn't make good choices in being proactive about it and I realize after 5 days off of it, it's put me in a bad mental place to go cold turkey like that. I called the pharmacy and set up to have a partial refill filled to cover me til insurance covers it and I'll just eat the cost. Thankfully I have some FSA money.
Since I got divorced last year I just feel like I"m on a financial teeter toter. So many unexpected costs of the move and the legal part just threw me upside down and I still feel like every payday is a struggle til the next one. I haven't told anyone about it because I'm embarrassed. But if I'm honest it stresses me out so much every day.
I know things will get better. I pick up my antidepressants tomorrow. I'll figure out a way to make it to next payday. It'll be ok. I'm also ok with not feeling ok for a few days.
I can relate to this so much. The divorce, the financial problems, and at times not being as proactive as I need to be about my mental health. You'll feel MUCH better when you get your anti-depressants. 5 days is a long time to be coming off of them (at least for me - I've been there).
Really hoping good things are on the horizon for us both. :)
My profile: want a serious relationship, don’t want kids
Over half the matches i get: want a serious relationship, want kids
What the hell, man? Stop swiping for no reason—take it seriously or get off Hinge and get on Tinder.
If only we could control other people like they were robots, eh? But unfortunately, we cannot. People who want kids or who want less serious relationships will still always try.
Annoying though, I know, yes.
Are there any texters out there? I just want a friend to talk to about good dates/ bad dates/ hype each other up, point out red flags/ green flags etc and talk sh*t about the universe
I've been trying to be as social as possible and "accept every invitation" in an effort to just build a bigger social circle (and of course hopefully meet someone as a side-effect).
Unfortunately the side effect of this has been that anytime I'm in a position of potentially needing to decline an invite, I get anxious and overthink it for hours. Like today, a friend invited me to a social party at her climbing gym, and I started getting stressed out trying to figure out if I could fit all my chores in around the party, and how I would get there since I don't have a car, etc. (Context - I also struggled with depression this week and this is the first day all week that I've had energy to even pick my laundry up off the floor - so a lot of chores needed to get done.) I ended up saying no but I'm still wondering if that was the wrong call.
I end up feeling this way too if I have a weekly activity (like my partner dance class) and I have to miss a week, because I feel like that's a valuable week of continuity where if I don't show up I might lose whatever fragile connections are starting to build.
Trying to just not worry as much about it, but it's hard given how much I really want/need the social network since it's only been a few months in my new city and I don't have a strong network yet.
I can relate. A year ago I really started socializing and was putting in a lot of effort to make friends, to the point that I would get anxious about missing any activities with the friend group in case that one missed activity was what caused me to be left out of "the inner circle." Making new connections as an adult is tough! No advice, just wanted you to know you're not alone!
5th date is so early that I would doubt that anybody would make a huge show of Valentines. Is your concern that they will go overboard and plan too intense of a date?
I once went on a first date just a few days before Valentine's day. We went to an art museum which, it turned out, was having a Valentine's themed event that night and was all-over decorated with paper hearts, cupids, etc. Mildly awkward, but we just went with it, participated in the little activities they had set up, it was fine.
Then the same guy asked me to a group event for our second date that would be on Valentine's day itself. I was expecting this to be a very large event with hundreds of people, so thought it wouldn't be too weird. I was wrong - it was a small event with maybe 40 people and EVERYONE knew my date. Cue all the questions about who I am, how long we've been dating, etc. It was too much. The guy did bring me a candle as a Valentine's present, which I thought was cute and appropriate, but the date itself - NO.
Sometimes we know people are bad for us or that it otherwise just won't work out but sometimes we choose to ignore it and go for it anyway.
AKA - Having to learn the hard way. < Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. This is how we have to learn sometimes.
Not sure why we would have to "go after" someone who is already in our life. I guess to that I'll just say make sure they "go after" you simultaneously.
My close friend and I are both dating new people, so we went out with our two new SOs last night for a double date. Disaster. My SO and my friend's SO, it turns out, have some overlapping friend groups and know a lot of people in common, which prompted my SO to start telling a story about a mutual friend of theirs she had slept with in the past. I mean, the story was about the fact that they had slept together and some embarrassing things she had done to try to hook up with him. I was frankly shocked; I think everyone there was shocked, except her, who didn't seem to think this was a weird story to tell in front of me and my friend and my friend's SO at all.
Obviously I know she has slept with people in the past, that's not the issue. But you don't tell stories in front of your boyfriend about fucking some other guy when he takes you to meet his friends -- right?
I'm still processing how I feel about it but it was a very awkward interaction and tbh I feel a little disrespected. Does this strike anyone else as odd or am I overreacting?
Dating for a about two months. Will definitely talk with her about it. I'm afraid my friends won't want to hang out with her again, it was such a bad look. :/
As a person who got out of shape during their last relationship from too much Netflix and junk food, is it shallow to look for someone with healthier eating habits and some form of work out routine? Note I've recently started going to the gym a few times a week and while I'm still larger than I'd like I make an effort to eat mostly healthy.
Too much "netflix and chill", I guess?
But no, nothing wrong with this. Only potential problem I see is that fit people may not be attracted to someone who is not fit. Maybe try for someone else who is also trying to live more healthy.
That's nice always think positive and try to learn from your mistake. Also, you only learn from mistake only when you admit to yourself that you did a mistake. Life is about learning from the past and self improvement.
Sitting here with a cup of tea getting ready for bed, and it's just dawned on me after talking with Sparks Guy during dates and now as friends that that magical cHeMiStRy I have with him is almost certainly just that we both probably have the same kind of ADHD. We're both undiagnosed, but we talked about how we both suspected it and shared ways we get over daily tasks and commiserated about the struggles of getting on with work and the more videos I've watched on the topic (I like *How to ADHD*), it just seems kind of obvious. I mean, one of the things we thought was a cute shared quirk was that we're both incapable of watching a show without subtitles on and that when we had sex it was the only time when our brains would actually just shut up or slow down and be in the moment.
Remember kids, maybe it's chemistry... Or maybe you're just the same kind of neurodivergent. Omg. 🤦♀️
maybe its the same brain chemistry?!?!??!
but yea i feel bad for all my neurotypical dates though, you know when i meander conversationally or physically and get lost LOL so its nice to share the same type sometimes
I've no idea, he calls it brain sex when we talk. 😂 Our conversations are not flirty/sexy/dirty but it's like candy to my brain when we're really lost in discussion! It's super weird and I've never had it before which is why it threw me off a little.
I've been told by different guys that my rambling is "cute" and I guess it does work out in general, but I definitely have also had times when I'm like "oh no I really did talk his ear off". 🤦♀️
yes brain sex!! ahhhhhh. yea i really cant wait to meet someone (platonic or romantic) that really clicks with me that way, so i dont have to worry about rambling LOL
Follow Up to my other post - I just ended things. I went over to her house and it was a very short conversation. I told her we had a personality incompatibility and that it would not work long term. She did not want me to elaborate and showed me the door.
Never feels good but I’m glad I did it in person.
I think my relationship is tanking. My partner is having some personal struggles and I have been very supportive. Today was a very important day for me though and he did something *very* selfish and I’m so frustrated because I needed to have this one day of peace and celebration but he made everything about him again. I am seriously questioning whether I am even looking for a relationship after this incident.
It sounds like he’s incapable of prioritizing you emotionally. I’m saying this with a weighty heart because it sucks ti be in this place, but you deserve more.
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I don't think this really happens. Myself and my friends in our mid 30s will date mostly younger, but it's because the older women don't want to date US.
Doing the things that reallly truly make you fall in love with yourself.
Don’t do crap to try to attract people.
Do life that makes you attractive to you.
People are magnetized by those who are really fully deeply in love and passionate with their own lives and their own alone. We crave that authentic, trueness.
Well, unless you find a way to stop time so you can do it all, the poster above is still correct. You have to find a way to use the finite time you have to live a life attractive to you. If benching 250 is attractive to you, go for it.
i'm female. the older we get, the more i feel like i'm choosing from the bruised apples at the bottom of the barrel. i get that. i still want a partner who mostly sees me as an equal.
i like men who assert themselves. i dont want them to think that i'm dumb but also i dont know how to be like, 'why are you telling me this dumb thing? do you think that i dont know?' last boyfriend tried college a few times and it didnt work out. whatevs. some guys have the exact degree and license to practice that i have. or more. thats okay, too.
* like this post about an awkward moment where he's listing 3 glute exercises. wtf. how do i handle this situation without him thinking that he's teaching me?? [boyfriend explains small things to me](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/10huoel/how_do_you_check_yourself_from_mansplaining/)
* or this other guy in a moment where i said, 'some city in california.' a moment later, he says 'california, which isnt even a city.' well, yes. i notated that when i spoke. he argues that i didn't. that i'm trying to save face, etc. this happens often. dating him was a nightmare.
I love this, not because of what you have to say, but because any time I mention that anyone over 30 dating is the leftovers it gets downvoted to hell. Leftovers is a better analogy because sometimes leftovers taste better during the next meal. A bruised apple is only going to rot faster.
I’m the same as you. I need to be able to have reciprocal, respectful, stimulating conversation with the person I’m dating. I love learning new things and hearing about something I don’t have expertise in, providing there’s no condescension or assumption that you’re feeding me new information about a basic concept. Had a guy mansplain how credit works and I had to stop him and be like “I’ve had three mortgages in my lifetime and I have a car loan. I’m an adult woman. Do you think I don’t know what credit is and how it works?” 🤦🏼♀️
Same 😂 I once had a guy go on a 20-minute monologue explaining all the ins and outs of mortgage amortization (which he had just learned about literally that same day). After 20 minutes, he finally realized I had zero interest in what he was saying, snapped to his senses, and said "Oh, of course you know all this - you took finance classes in college and bought a house two years ago." I don't know why they don't consider their audience before they do these things!
Lack of self-awareness, probably. And are probably used to monologuing without anyone stopping them. So I make it a point now to voice when I’m uncomfortable in a conversation like that and see how they react.
I disagree with your generalization about older women settling for bruised apples.
The reality is- the older any of us get, the more life hits us. That is the nature of life.
What I look for are people who move through those punches in healthy, constructive ways. I would rather date a father of two who is healing from the trauma of blind-sided affair from his now-lesbian ex wife through therapy and community than, say, a man who has never been married, never had kids - excellent job and credentials but drowns himself in marijuana to avoid his feelings and experiences.
The more you seek confirmation for your bias, the stronger your bias and then you become the very bruised apple you claim is only available to you as you age.
Looking at the post you linked and this one, I'd agree with those saying that you might not be communicating clearly either. if someone is explaining something that you already know something about, you can just acknowledge what you know and extend the conversation with new ideas and questions.
Some men do it compulsively. Dated a guy who did this over and over again even after I pointed it out. Trying to redirect non-existent, belittling conversations gets exhausting after a while.
Not a dating reflection insomuch as a proud dance development moment.
I’ve been learning Bachata & Zouk for about a year now. When I would dance with one of the local teachers, I ALWAYS received constructive criticism and the connection was always off- to the point I would get so goddamn uncomfortable if he ever asked me to dance.
Lastnight we had a STELLAR bachata dance. I could feel and intuit exactly what he wanted while leaving freedom for playful interpretation. He complimented me highly.
I love the way I move in dance now. Leads often seek me out since I blend a lot of my zouk training into bachata (flow, head motion, sensual, musicality) which offers a flavor they don’t often get to play with.
Overall I’m feeling good :)
Yaaas Excellent! Our bodies often do better when we get out of our mind/brain about it!
Just started adult ballet here, tough but great! When inflow it feels epic and amazing :)
The more I think / the worse I do! 😅
I put my house up for rent. I’m moving away from the house and neighborhood I moved in to be close to my ex. Not where I thought I’ll be a yer later. I do still miss my ex a lot. I love them But I can’t be here anymore with all these memories, driving around the same streets we once did, same streets we kissed and shopped around.
I’m watching the movie “fathers and daughters” and I realize how much I can relate to Katie being self destructive sometimes, mostly in relationships. Also, that feeling inside where you have a well of emptiness, devoid of feelings sometimes.
Personally I would not feel comfortable if they hang out one on one. I would not want to date anyone who does not set clear boundaries with their exes.
Have you tried to talk to him about these feelings? I think it would help to address this maturely and honestly. Also, does he still want to be friends with his ex?
If you trust him, that’s good. I think sometimes even the smallest things can blow up over time and lead to little resentments. Do you just feel that the playlist makes you feel insecure? Or what’s the deeper underlying reason for why you feel bad about it?
1) You are wonderful just the way you are.
2) Have you ever asked him about maybe creating playlists for each other of songs that remind you each of the other?
3) Did he tell you this playlist was a compilation of songs that he and his ex shared? I understand how you feel uncomfortable about that if it were the case though.
Np at all! Hope that uplifts you. 😊❤️ Definitely try to discuss about making a playlist for each other. It may help cheer you up too.
But one can assume that playlist was for someone special. But maybe good to just confirm. Who knows what else it could be for? I’m confused why he would share a song from there to you if it was really from someone special before.
I’m feeling so weird today. I’ve had conversations with a few matches, but it feels off with them. I miss the connection I had with the last guy I briefly dated. I can’t help but feel like I messed it up.
I feel the same. Finding a connection is hard but its also important for that connection to be maintained. In my situation, I feel like I messed up by expressing how I felt. Even thought our situation was supposed to be casual I felt like what I said was a lot and it was too much for the situation we were in. I am also talking to other people and it doesn't feel the same. But it could be because of the timing.
I think we can also recognize that doing the right thing can feel like we messed up when we walk away from something that is not serving us. We shouldn't let the connection make us feel bad about our choices or use it as an excuse for how the person treated us that made us feel like we messed up.
i slept well last night! it's been months. he officially dumped me a few weeks ago but it was a few months in the making. i need to feel security for full, complete, rest.
all my degrees in science and what i resent most is how human my body wants to be.
After two months of talking, got told all he felt was a friend connection early this week. I knew this was coming because it was a struggle to get him to meet despite daily texting. But when we did meet, it felt very natural and I thought went great. He wants to remain friends but I can't keep up a daily penpal if it's not going anywhere. We haven't talked since. Saw him as 'active today' on hinge and 'looking for serious relationship'. I'm not sure if he realizes how emotionally unavailable he is and avoidant of furthering connections with people.
I know I let the penpal thing to on too long but otherwise not really sure where I go from here. It seems like all the people interested in me is limited to only sexual or friends only. Never anything more than that. This one hurt more than others and I think I need to take a break from the apps.
Ouch, I do relate to your last paragraph. I have started to feel like I'm either purely a body or a personality but never a full person. I don't have any advice but for me it always feels better to slow down than to stop completely.
Just moved this week. Had a couple days of crying from overwhelm since I arrived at my new apartment. I start my new job on Monday, and I'm excited but anxious. At least my bed finally arrived so I'm not sleeping on the floor again... the little things, right?
I did one last "family dinner" the night before I left with my ex and his kids (I lived with them for almost 3 years). Kids were a mess, ex was a mess, I was a mess. So many hugs. So much crying. The next morning, there was an energy drink in my cup holder and some great snacks packed for me in the front seat. It was sweet, but it stung... where was this thoughtful person when I was dating him? He never did stuff like that when we were together. Made me even more sad, tbh. Like a flicker of the person he could be and just... didn't care enough to be.
So I'm just going to kind of... settle in, I guess. Keep my head down, work on myself, stay single. Cry some more. Maybe try to eat. I do SO BADLY with change, y'all. I get so stressed.
‘… didn’t care enough to be.’
Ohhhh that stings. Exactly the same thing with my ex.
Sorry it’s been a rough time for you but sound like you’re on the up! I hope the new job goes super well on Monday!
I'm new here and have been browsing a lot of posts this morning. Is it just me, or does this sub to be a lot more compassionate to women having issues than to men having issues? It seems, even if people disagree with how a woman may be handling something, they are also a bit kinder in telling her why they think that? It also seems people give the women a bit more grace in general and are willing to let them just be wrong, whereas the men are assumed to be acting in bad faith or maliciously
That’s common bias. It’s also, admittedly, my bias. But it comes from a place of trying to be helpful. Given the nature of the dating world it feels like a lot of advice women need is to keep their head up as they come into contact with so many dirtbags. Meanwhile with men that unless they can dig deep and solve whatever problems are fucking them up (and there are often many) they will continue to fail miserably in the face of all the competition there is.
Of course in a situation where a woman can barely get a date or a man just keeps meeting toxic people trying to use them over and over again, the advice would be reversed. And sure it happens, but that’s not the average experience.
I think this is true to some extent but IMO it is much much better than it used to be. I first tried the sub in early 2021 and found it to be so biased that I had to get off it. I think a lot of the users then were "FDS" which I learned is sort of a female community of incels. I think a ton of credit is due to the mods though because it seems like they're really active now in cleaning up that type of stuff.
Obviously a guy here (assuming my flair shows up) but I do agree with you, it's a little more sympathetic towards women. The thing is though, I generally notice most other dudes here fit into one of two buckets at a pretty high percentage. It's either "dude who never stopped dating like he's in his 20s and still doesn't really know what he wants besides a little bit of attention and a hookup," or "dude in his 30s who has barely any experience with women at all and the bitterness is starting to show."
Obviously there's middle ground, but that just seems like the majority to me.
> "dude in his 30s who has barely any experience with women at all and the bitterness is starting to show."
Well, in this case, I feel like I"ve seen quite a few jaded women as well, but again, them being jaded is looked at a bit more sympathetically.
Its almost like people look at women being jaded over previous guys as the guys fault, and men being jaded over previous women was their own fault.
To be fair I don't really think that's just this sub, that's most of the internet, haha. With the rise of incel-tier thoughts across the internet and too many dudes going "women are whores because they won't sleep with me," guys haven't done themselves a lot of favors.
I think you're likely to get sympathy from people if you were to write something like "wow, I've been on a string of bad dates, these women put in zero effort and the conversation wasn't there" as opposed to "I'm so lonely, no one ever gives guys a chance." Not saying that you're saying the latter, I haven't looked at your post history, but there's too much of the "woe is me" crowd in men online sometimes.
I mean, and that's not even acknowledging how thirsty and awkward dudes are around women. My friend has had a guy text her "hey" once a week for the past 6 years.
Anyways, just observations on this Saturday morning because I woke up too early .
From memory a poll was once done and there were mostly women on this sub, so that could be why.
What I notice (which is not relevant to gender) is the amount of people here unwilling to compromise on anything on their unrealistic checklist and wonder why they can't find a serious relationship. Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone but someone complained the other day about their date having too much of a good time in their company and it embarrassed her. God forbid someone feeling enthusiastic about you /s
In general the majority of the dating/relationship subreddits tend to lean in defense of women and also tend to be a bit harsher on men. But, that’s not always the case and there are many different viewpoints from all sides that get expressed. Some of the best posts are when the genders aren’t revealed and each person discusses from their respective points of view. Men and women both share many of the same experiences in dating.
Sure. I can see that. Its, in a way, like AITA. But the problem I see is that, to have these great posts, people need to hide the genders in order to have balanced discussion. Sometimes its going out of your way to do so.
Someone's opinion on X behavior shouldn't be totally different based on if the person doing it is a man or a woman, or if you don't know. If X behavior is bad, it should be bad no matter who its coming from.
Like I saw the post about the woman with concealed carry. I'm sure that the replies would have been very different if a man was writing in about whether it was ok to have a concealed gun on a date with a woman. But in reality, if you think its a problem to have a gun on you and not disclose that to your date, shouldn't it be a problem whoever is doing it?
going on my first "double date" with the new girl I'm dating. I haven't been on a double date in ages. kind of a weird thing because the two girls are friends and us lads haven't met before. do I just offer to pickup the check? how does that work?
Talk to your date about the expectations. If you're comfortable paying for 4 people communicate that to her and then talk to the other couple when you meet up. If you'd prefer to split 50/50 couples pay their own way, talk about it.
Another Saturday with another lunch date where someone is using years old photos and are super different looking. Would it be wrong for me to start asking for a photo with the days newspaper before a meet is agreed? Haha
Also it was an incredibly dull and depressing conversation. I miss finding something to laugh over. Maybe it's just the state of the world right now...
lol yeah, I hope you find someone. Do you think the years old photos are because they just have no newer ones or haven't updated their profile or that they're actively trying to deceive?
Honestly no idea. My guess would be last weeks was intentional, or they were in denial they they are now obese.
Today's, my feeling is they don't take or have photos of themselves and haven't acknowledged how they've changed in these trying times
I think for a lot of people, when you see yourself in the mirror every day, it's not easy to see that weight gain or aging happen, and you still can feel like that person from the previous pictures. I know when covid first happened, I gained a lot of weight and had become really pale from not going out. It took getting to my extreme (roughly 225, up from in the 170s) rapidly over a few months to really understand how bad things had gotten. Luckily I lost all of that weight.
But guys just aren't really picture takers. I'm never out with the guys snapping photos of ourselves, and if we do, it's normally something that's not flattering and is more meant for laughs. So those five good pictures we've taken in the past three years are what ends up on the app, lol.
Yeah I'm learning just a coffee might be more suitable! Unfortunately most independents here only have seating for those getting food and coffee typically is to go. Weather isn't quite there yet for walking outside.
Made no mention of the photos being dated. I think I'll have to start asking folk more about their photos. I don't wanna try "catch someone out" but very much feeling deceived.
Someone else mentioned video calls and this is definitely a good strategy for avoiding your problem, but I have seen many people on here say they hate video calls with strangers so you may also risk awkward connections/ things fizzling with people who just aren’t comfortable vs a bad fit. I guess what I’m saying is, no matter whatever method is chosen, there is risk involved
I think I would still just take the L and go meet up. I wish I had the balls to just walk out quickly when I realize within 5 minutes that things wouldn’t go anywhere lol. Has anyone ever successfully done that or even let them know because of cat fishing? I always suffer the couple of hours lol
Edit: also wanted to edit to add, I know it’s not personal and very common that people want to “test the waters” with walks/video chats/ etc, but I find it a bit insulting to start things off on that foot. Valuing a person enough to go spend 15 bucks on a drink in the chance that you ARE super into them is not that big of a risk in my books but maybe that’s just me. To each their own! I’d much prefer that to be the start of my love story but I know others don’t care or enjoy the date 0 regardless
Yeah I hate video calls myself so I know I wouldn't come across great on it which if they are as expect could put it in jeopardy.
Like, I hate to be judgy but my heart actually sank on arrival seeing someone both heavier and scragglier (and shorter!) Than their profile perceives them to be. Looks arents everything and I'm no perfect ten by any means but it immediately does feel catfishy and makes me wonder what if anything about our exchanges has been true.
Def wish I had the balls to walk out too!
That feeling is the worst. Then having to suffer for 1-2 hours after that. I hate it. I've been on dates where I wanted to walk in the other direction as soon as I saw them. Wonder if they could sense the cringe during our date?
this just happened to me. my date looked considerably different than her photos and I wanted to leave right at the beginning. I'm really not sure what the best etiquette is there..maybe like 30 minutes? I just feel so bad and awkward cutting a date so short like that.
Oh no, I am so sorry. You're asking the wrong person, but I imagine there has to be a socially acceptable way of either cutting the date short or not even going through with the date. I wish I had an answer. And the balls to walk away when this happens.
yea given we're 30+ I think it's mostly about having the balls like you say than what's socially acceptable per se. I think leaving immediately is way too much haha, but staying for 1 drink (and maybe drinking it quickly lol) feels acceptable to me.
A few years ago I had a date with someone that cut a date short after 1 quick drink (maybe like 30 minutes in total). I was a bit stung in the moment but honestly was grateful for it afterwards. I'd rather she had done that than stayed for 2 hours.
It’s just so disrespectful (especially of my time) and I wouldn’t feel sympathy for anyone being misleading online and then having their date walk out. And then there is the fear that they could be a psycho and react dangerously! It just makes a bad situation for everyone
Reminder to everyone to just be yourself! Even if I was still attracted to someone after being catfished I’d say no to future dates based on principle
Got a couple of chats going - we’ll see 🤷♀️
Mostly I’m counting down the days til cuffing season ends and hoping more viable prospects emerge after v-day passes.
I changed up my profile based on feedback after my last profile review in December. I now have better photos of me, smiling with teeth, doing hobbies, hanging out with other people, showing my figure, and less selfies. I rewrote my bio to be more clear. I added a little flirtatious touch to be more appealing to men vs women. And yet… I have fewer matches coming in? 🤔
Not sure if it’s worth a profile review round 2. If things don’t pick up next month, maybe I will.
In other news, I hung out with my newest hobby group yesterday and had a blast. I even went cameras on for the first time! It’s a performing arts group so I was feeling a little self-conscious at first but everybody was really welcoming. Excited to do it again soon!
>Have you considered remaking your profile? The longer you use an app, the higher the percentage of the userbase has seen your profile and decided one way or the other on you. The problem is that someone who saw the old version of the profile might have passed on you, but the new version might catch their attention, however since they have already made the decision on you, they will not see your new version.
Do you mean deleting my profile/matches and starting over? No, I haven’t considered doing that.
I don’t think my profile is *that* different than it was to start with. This is just a little more polished.
But you make a good point. It could just be that after ~2 months, there’s fewer users out there that haven’t seen my profile already. So maybe that’s why it seems like fewer likes are coming in now.
Recurring rant: online dating. Or this could be about dating in general, I don’t even know. But this is the impression I’m getting from OLD.
I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m getting to that age (about to turn 33) where most of the „good“ men are simply off the market already OR looking more for women in their mid twenties because they don’t want to start a family right away (neither do I, but I think people might assume I do?).
I have no idea how to solve this. I’d be open to dating anyone between 30 and early 40s, I’m even starting to not immediately dismiss men who already have a child as I’m well aware this will get more common with age. However online all I see is either men who don’t want anything serious or have no idea what they want or men who say they want a serious relationship but honestly come across as very unattractive and can’t even present themselves decently on an OLD profile. Currently it feels like I just missed my chance of getting myself a man earlier and now there’s barely any left 🤷🏼♀️
I met up with the guy I dated in high school/college today. We had a mutual break up about 18 years ago (!!) He was always "the one who got away" for me. I had always regretted the way in which we parted ways, but it was necessary at the time. I thought of him frequently throughout the years, but assumed he was happily married and assumed I was as well, so I never reached out so as not to rock the boat of our committed relationships. He has been randomly crossing my path lately and I have come to find out that we both recently divorced under eerily similar circumstances involving infidelity from our ex spouses, so I made the leap to reach out to him and he obliged to meet up with me. I have zero expectations, but it was so nice to catch up with someone who was once my best friend and not have to play all the typical OLD games. The conversation flowed like we had never even been apart a day. It was just a really great day and I hope we can keep meeting up as at least friends. Just putting that into the universe for today.
I (32F) just got dumped by my boyfriend (32M). We broke up before, but he started begging for me back and I decided to give him a second chance. After a year and a half he still doesnt know what he wants in a relationship or in life. He's working on himself, which is great but I dont think he has the energy to work on our relationship too. I am gutted. Why do so many people not know what they want? It happened with the last long term relationship too. Maybe its me, its exhausting.
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We broke up the first time because he doesnt know what he wants, now he's working on himself and in therapy but he still doesnt know. It makes me really anxious not knowing where he wants the relationship to go which makes him feel pressured to give me an answer when he hasn't got a clue. Maybe he's just not that into me, but maybe he genuinely needs to find himself. Either way, it sucks a lot
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He started doing therapy and working on his own shit
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How do you mean? Im not sure if it is or not as I havent been with someone thats putting themself through therapy
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Ah yeah, im in therapy as well but ive been doing it for a long time. I think I have been making too many excuses for him in all fairness. Trying to see all of the good in him
Welp, tonight I asked guy I have been seeing for the last 2 months if he wanted to be in a relationship / try something more serious with me, and got a very clear rejection due to him not being ready and not looking for a relationship (with me). Asked if he wanted to be friends - no response at all. I am sad but at least now I know where things stand.
>Asked if he wanted to be friends - no response at all. i know this stings now. it's temporary, i promise. you know this and i know this, too. what i respect about this guy is that he knows he's not going for the 'friendship' card.
Sorry you didn’t get the answer you were looking for, but well done for having the courage to ask him directly and put yourself out there like that. Hope the feelings of sadness pass soon.
Thanks for the really nice response. I hope so too- maybe I will take a break from OLD for a bit
Amicable breakup between me (31F) and the 35M I was dating for 6 months. It’s the longest I’ve dated someone from OLD, and my first real prospect since deciding that I was ready for something serious. It hurts. We really care about each other, but our communication styles were mismatched. While we had many great moments, it also turned into an unhealthy and emotionally exhausting push-pull cycle. I’m bummed but will take the all the time to heal and lick my wounds before trying to get back out there. At least I don’t have to worry about Valentine’s Day plans now?
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Nah, this is on her. I've had the exact same thing happen and now I make sure to ask if they don't have it listed on their profile. As a side note, I don't think 4 failed prospects is unusual. That's just how dating goes. They all fail until one doesn't.
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I’m sorry, that’s really shitty that the fact that she had kids wasn’t disclosed. I lean child-free and usually filter out anyone who says they want kids. Turns out the guy I was dating didn’t want to close the door on the idea of having at least 1 kid. I flubbed and told him if consider it if we ever get to that point…and honestly, it felt like such a huge concession that maybe the relationship was doomed from the start. Too bad I didn’t get there until 6 months in. Best of luck with drafting that message!
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It’s not like that with everyone and 36 is nowhere near too late
I don’t know why I was so scared to text him how I felt. I had a random burst of confidence tonight and told him I missed talking to him and he immediately replied and said he did too, and missed holding me. Now we’re talking again. I am so happy…
I wish HSV wasn’t stigmatized. I learned the hard was the STD panel doesn’t include this because it’s so common and without outbreak you’re prone to false positives. So people who get tested think they are in the clear but go and spread it.
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Are you me?! I relate to this sooo hard and just had a similar experience where I walked away from someone who was emotionally detached and a dead end relationship-wise, but who I had been pining over and had undeniable chemistry with . The next day, I had a lovely dinner with a friend who has expressed interest in me and some of his friends. By all accounts, that evening with that group left me feeling so much happier, engaged, and relaxed than I ever did with the first man. But I didn’t walk away wanting to date my friend - just left reminded as to all the additional qualities that I want and feelings I also want to have around a partner in addition to that elusive “spark.” Overall bummed I didn’t find the right mix of those needs in these men, or men I’ve met who I instantly connect with but already have partners. I completely relate to fearing and perhaps identifying if I myself am emotionally unavailable if I’m attracting and attaching to people who can’t give me a sense of emotional security either - sussing out true incompatibility vs personal emotional unavailability is super hard. I’m trying to be as upfront and honest in all interactions moving forward - good or bad — so my own emotional transparency isn’t a factor.
I feeeeeeel this deeply. I’m exploring non monogamy just because I feel like it will be so hard to find one person who fills both those roles—the kinky and the regular life side of things. I think we just need to believe it will be true, and so it will be maybe?
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I never truly understood this. I give them my number and say we can text, but if they don’t want to yet then that’s their choice. Especially as men, we don’t know what women go through and what experiences they may have had with texting before they felt comfortable doing so. It feels so hard to meet someone you like that having that as a dealbreaker is weird.
Is a 26 year age gap too big? (Yes) Met this guy. We have been out a few times and it’s fine. He really wants kids, which he keeps talking about a lot. Probably wants kids more than I do; which made sense to me. I thought he was 45 which already feels kinda old for me, and that seems to be the age for men in NYC who didn’t settle down earlier to decide suddenly they’re ready. He’s actually 55 it turns out lol. Is it bad I got turned off? I’m 29 and I’ve been trying to date around 28-35 and thought I would try dating a guy clearly older… but not that old lol.
How hot is he?? Kidding. Two decades of an age gap is a bit iffy. Unless, he’s like Kevin Costner hot.
I mean he’s a good looking guy but I liked his sense of humor. I find myself most attracted to guys in the 30-35 range and I thought he was 45 because that’s typically the very tail end of what I can tolerate in terms of attractiveness level
He wants you to have kids while he slowly withers away in the background, or he has a breeding fetish, or both.
I can’t even imagine considering this or even 45. Or 40. I’m so turned off by guys that are a lot older than me
I'm the same age and the idea of going on a date with a 55 year old grosses me out at this point, the gap is just way too weird. He would be retiring at the same age as I would want to be having kids.
I'm feeling really crummy this weekend, and just kind of letting myself be in it. I'm dating a nice guy but he has strep throat so no plans with him the past few days, which is fine. It's kind of nice that I get to hibernate when I want to. My soul dog is at the end of her life. I started tracking her "bad days" to get a good perspective of how often they're happening, and I realized it's happening more frequently than I thought. It hurts a lot. For some reason I have a 30 day gap in the number of my antidepressants I got last time and the next time my insurance will provide a refill (I get a 90 day supply). I didn't make good choices in being proactive about it and I realize after 5 days off of it, it's put me in a bad mental place to go cold turkey like that. I called the pharmacy and set up to have a partial refill filled to cover me til insurance covers it and I'll just eat the cost. Thankfully I have some FSA money. Since I got divorced last year I just feel like I"m on a financial teeter toter. So many unexpected costs of the move and the legal part just threw me upside down and I still feel like every payday is a struggle til the next one. I haven't told anyone about it because I'm embarrassed. But if I'm honest it stresses me out so much every day. I know things will get better. I pick up my antidepressants tomorrow. I'll figure out a way to make it to next payday. It'll be ok. I'm also ok with not feeling ok for a few days.
I can relate to this so much. The divorce, the financial problems, and at times not being as proactive as I need to be about my mental health. You'll feel MUCH better when you get your anti-depressants. 5 days is a long time to be coming off of them (at least for me - I've been there). Really hoping good things are on the horizon for us both. :)
My profile: want a serious relationship, don’t want kids Over half the matches i get: want a serious relationship, want kids What the hell, man? Stop swiping for no reason—take it seriously or get off Hinge and get on Tinder.
Hard to find people who want serious + no kids. They go hand-in-hand usually.
There are lots of us!
Not where I live.
For sure, which is why i say i don’t want them on my profile….so if i say i don’t want them then don’t try to match with me.
If only we could control other people like they were robots, eh? But unfortunately, we cannot. People who want kids or who want less serious relationships will still always try. Annoying though, I know, yes.
Are there any texters out there? I just want a friend to talk to about good dates/ bad dates/ hype each other up, point out red flags/ green flags etc and talk sh*t about the universe
I've been trying to be as social as possible and "accept every invitation" in an effort to just build a bigger social circle (and of course hopefully meet someone as a side-effect). Unfortunately the side effect of this has been that anytime I'm in a position of potentially needing to decline an invite, I get anxious and overthink it for hours. Like today, a friend invited me to a social party at her climbing gym, and I started getting stressed out trying to figure out if I could fit all my chores in around the party, and how I would get there since I don't have a car, etc. (Context - I also struggled with depression this week and this is the first day all week that I've had energy to even pick my laundry up off the floor - so a lot of chores needed to get done.) I ended up saying no but I'm still wondering if that was the wrong call. I end up feeling this way too if I have a weekly activity (like my partner dance class) and I have to miss a week, because I feel like that's a valuable week of continuity where if I don't show up I might lose whatever fragile connections are starting to build. Trying to just not worry as much about it, but it's hard given how much I really want/need the social network since it's only been a few months in my new city and I don't have a strong network yet.
I can relate. A year ago I really started socializing and was putting in a lot of effort to make friends, to the point that I would get anxious about missing any activities with the friend group in case that one missed activity was what caused me to be left out of "the inner circle." Making new connections as an adult is tough! No advice, just wanted you to know you're not alone!
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5th date is so early that I would doubt that anybody would make a huge show of Valentines. Is your concern that they will go overboard and plan too intense of a date?
I once went on a first date just a few days before Valentine's day. We went to an art museum which, it turned out, was having a Valentine's themed event that night and was all-over decorated with paper hearts, cupids, etc. Mildly awkward, but we just went with it, participated in the little activities they had set up, it was fine. Then the same guy asked me to a group event for our second date that would be on Valentine's day itself. I was expecting this to be a very large event with hundreds of people, so thought it wouldn't be too weird. I was wrong - it was a small event with maybe 40 people and EVERYONE knew my date. Cue all the questions about who I am, how long we've been dating, etc. It was too much. The guy did bring me a candle as a Valentine's present, which I thought was cute and appropriate, but the date itself - NO.
If we don’t go after the ones we truly love, we may never have the opportunity ever again.
And sometimes not ever having that opportunity again is in our own best interest.
Only if you don't have self control lol
I think you misunderstood, but that's ok.
Eh, perhaps. Who knows? Lol.
We usually do, even if we sometimes choose to ignore it.
What do you mean?
Sometimes we know people are bad for us or that it otherwise just won't work out but sometimes we choose to ignore it and go for it anyway. AKA - Having to learn the hard way. < Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. This is how we have to learn sometimes.
Oh I’m not talking about the people that are bad for us. I’m talking about the good people in our life whom we really love.
Not sure why we would have to "go after" someone who is already in our life. I guess to that I'll just say make sure they "go after" you simultaneously.
Maybe we are having a misunderstanding lol. I don’t think my context was clear. But no worries.
I hope we are haha as that will mean you're not in harm's way. And yes, no worries. Enjoy.
My close friend and I are both dating new people, so we went out with our two new SOs last night for a double date. Disaster. My SO and my friend's SO, it turns out, have some overlapping friend groups and know a lot of people in common, which prompted my SO to start telling a story about a mutual friend of theirs she had slept with in the past. I mean, the story was about the fact that they had slept together and some embarrassing things she had done to try to hook up with him. I was frankly shocked; I think everyone there was shocked, except her, who didn't seem to think this was a weird story to tell in front of me and my friend and my friend's SO at all. Obviously I know she has slept with people in the past, that's not the issue. But you don't tell stories in front of your boyfriend about fucking some other guy when he takes you to meet his friends -- right? I'm still processing how I feel about it but it was a very awkward interaction and tbh I feel a little disrespected. Does this strike anyone else as odd or am I overreacting?
Red flag #1
I think this strikes everyone on the planet Earth except her as odd. Do you think she may be still hung up on this guy?
How long have you been dating for? That does strike me as an over share. I would talk with her about how it made you feel for sure.
Dating for a about two months. Will definitely talk with her about it. I'm afraid my friends won't want to hang out with her again, it was such a bad look. :/
As a person who got out of shape during their last relationship from too much Netflix and junk food, is it shallow to look for someone with healthier eating habits and some form of work out routine? Note I've recently started going to the gym a few times a week and while I'm still larger than I'd like I make an effort to eat mostly healthy.
Too much "netflix and chill", I guess? But no, nothing wrong with this. Only potential problem I see is that fit people may not be attracted to someone who is not fit. Maybe try for someone else who is also trying to live more healthy.
Too much Netflix. I guess that's a fair point.
Look for someone who's where you're at, not so.eone who's where you want to be.
That's nice always think positive and try to learn from your mistake. Also, you only learn from mistake only when you admit to yourself that you did a mistake. Life is about learning from the past and self improvement.
It is if you expect this person to be your motivation to get back into shape.
Fair point. I'm motivated to lose weight by myself, I just want someone who is more supportive of that lifestyle rather than someone who isn't.
Then I'd say that's completely reasonable
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It's best you declined. You don't want to use or hurt anyone if you have no intentions of continuing. You did the right thing.
Sitting here with a cup of tea getting ready for bed, and it's just dawned on me after talking with Sparks Guy during dates and now as friends that that magical cHeMiStRy I have with him is almost certainly just that we both probably have the same kind of ADHD. We're both undiagnosed, but we talked about how we both suspected it and shared ways we get over daily tasks and commiserated about the struggles of getting on with work and the more videos I've watched on the topic (I like *How to ADHD*), it just seems kind of obvious. I mean, one of the things we thought was a cute shared quirk was that we're both incapable of watching a show without subtitles on and that when we had sex it was the only time when our brains would actually just shut up or slow down and be in the moment. Remember kids, maybe it's chemistry... Or maybe you're just the same kind of neurodivergent. Omg. 🤦♀️
maybe its the same brain chemistry?!?!??! but yea i feel bad for all my neurotypical dates though, you know when i meander conversationally or physically and get lost LOL so its nice to share the same type sometimes
I've no idea, he calls it brain sex when we talk. 😂 Our conversations are not flirty/sexy/dirty but it's like candy to my brain when we're really lost in discussion! It's super weird and I've never had it before which is why it threw me off a little. I've been told by different guys that my rambling is "cute" and I guess it does work out in general, but I definitely have also had times when I'm like "oh no I really did talk his ear off". 🤦♀️
yes brain sex!! ahhhhhh. yea i really cant wait to meet someone (platonic or romantic) that really clicks with me that way, so i dont have to worry about rambling LOL
Follow Up to my other post - I just ended things. I went over to her house and it was a very short conversation. I told her we had a personality incompatibility and that it would not work long term. She did not want me to elaborate and showed me the door. Never feels good but I’m glad I did it in person.
You hit the lottery with her not wanting you to elaborate. Here's wishing that you find someone more compatible.
I think my relationship is tanking. My partner is having some personal struggles and I have been very supportive. Today was a very important day for me though and he did something *very* selfish and I’m so frustrated because I needed to have this one day of peace and celebration but he made everything about him again. I am seriously questioning whether I am even looking for a relationship after this incident.
It sounds like he’s incapable of prioritizing you emotionally. I’m saying this with a weighty heart because it sucks ti be in this place, but you deserve more.
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I don't think this really happens. Myself and my friends in our mid 30s will date mostly younger, but it's because the older women don't want to date US.
Why would you being excluded from 32 year old men happen?
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Doing the things that reallly truly make you fall in love with yourself. Don’t do crap to try to attract people. Do life that makes you attractive to you. People are magnetized by those who are really fully deeply in love and passionate with their own lives and their own alone. We crave that authentic, trueness.
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Well, unless you find a way to stop time so you can do it all, the poster above is still correct. You have to find a way to use the finite time you have to live a life attractive to you. If benching 250 is attractive to you, go for it.
Stylish hat!
i'm female. the older we get, the more i feel like i'm choosing from the bruised apples at the bottom of the barrel. i get that. i still want a partner who mostly sees me as an equal. i like men who assert themselves. i dont want them to think that i'm dumb but also i dont know how to be like, 'why are you telling me this dumb thing? do you think that i dont know?' last boyfriend tried college a few times and it didnt work out. whatevs. some guys have the exact degree and license to practice that i have. or more. thats okay, too. * like this post about an awkward moment where he's listing 3 glute exercises. wtf. how do i handle this situation without him thinking that he's teaching me?? [boyfriend explains small things to me](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/10huoel/how_do_you_check_yourself_from_mansplaining/) * or this other guy in a moment where i said, 'some city in california.' a moment later, he says 'california, which isnt even a city.' well, yes. i notated that when i spoke. he argues that i didn't. that i'm trying to save face, etc. this happens often. dating him was a nightmare.
If I view all over 30 women as bruised apples at the bottom of the barrel, then so I must also be a bruised apple at the bottom of the barrel.
I love this, not because of what you have to say, but because any time I mention that anyone over 30 dating is the leftovers it gets downvoted to hell. Leftovers is a better analogy because sometimes leftovers taste better during the next meal. A bruised apple is only going to rot faster.
i love leftovers lol, this is cute.
I’m the same as you. I need to be able to have reciprocal, respectful, stimulating conversation with the person I’m dating. I love learning new things and hearing about something I don’t have expertise in, providing there’s no condescension or assumption that you’re feeding me new information about a basic concept. Had a guy mansplain how credit works and I had to stop him and be like “I’ve had three mortgages in my lifetime and I have a car loan. I’m an adult woman. Do you think I don’t know what credit is and how it works?” 🤦🏼♀️
Same 😂 I once had a guy go on a 20-minute monologue explaining all the ins and outs of mortgage amortization (which he had just learned about literally that same day). After 20 minutes, he finally realized I had zero interest in what he was saying, snapped to his senses, and said "Oh, of course you know all this - you took finance classes in college and bought a house two years ago." I don't know why they don't consider their audience before they do these things!
Lack of self-awareness, probably. And are probably used to monologuing without anyone stopping them. So I make it a point now to voice when I’m uncomfortable in a conversation like that and see how they react.
I disagree with your generalization about older women settling for bruised apples. The reality is- the older any of us get, the more life hits us. That is the nature of life. What I look for are people who move through those punches in healthy, constructive ways. I would rather date a father of two who is healing from the trauma of blind-sided affair from his now-lesbian ex wife through therapy and community than, say, a man who has never been married, never had kids - excellent job and credentials but drowns himself in marijuana to avoid his feelings and experiences. The more you seek confirmation for your bias, the stronger your bias and then you become the very bruised apple you claim is only available to you as you age.
Looking at the post you linked and this one, I'd agree with those saying that you might not be communicating clearly either. if someone is explaining something that you already know something about, you can just acknowledge what you know and extend the conversation with new ideas and questions.
Some men do it compulsively. Dated a guy who did this over and over again even after I pointed it out. Trying to redirect non-existent, belittling conversations gets exhausting after a while.
oh yea 100%, I should've added that I don't doubt at all that men can be like that. Was just going off of what OP was saying in particular.
Not a dating reflection insomuch as a proud dance development moment. I’ve been learning Bachata & Zouk for about a year now. When I would dance with one of the local teachers, I ALWAYS received constructive criticism and the connection was always off- to the point I would get so goddamn uncomfortable if he ever asked me to dance. Lastnight we had a STELLAR bachata dance. I could feel and intuit exactly what he wanted while leaving freedom for playful interpretation. He complimented me highly. I love the way I move in dance now. Leads often seek me out since I blend a lot of my zouk training into bachata (flow, head motion, sensual, musicality) which offers a flavor they don’t often get to play with. Overall I’m feeling good :)
nice!! this is great
Yaaas Excellent! Our bodies often do better when we get out of our mind/brain about it! Just started adult ballet here, tough but great! When inflow it feels epic and amazing :) The more I think / the worse I do! 😅
I put my house up for rent. I’m moving away from the house and neighborhood I moved in to be close to my ex. Not where I thought I’ll be a yer later. I do still miss my ex a lot. I love them But I can’t be here anymore with all these memories, driving around the same streets we once did, same streets we kissed and shopped around.
I’m watching the movie “fathers and daughters” and I realize how much I can relate to Katie being self destructive sometimes, mostly in relationships. Also, that feeling inside where you have a well of emptiness, devoid of feelings sometimes.
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Personally I would not feel comfortable if they hang out one on one. I would not want to date anyone who does not set clear boundaries with their exes.
Have you tried to talk to him about these feelings? I think it would help to address this maturely and honestly. Also, does he still want to be friends with his ex?
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If you trust him, that’s good. I think sometimes even the smallest things can blow up over time and lead to little resentments. Do you just feel that the playlist makes you feel insecure? Or what’s the deeper underlying reason for why you feel bad about it?
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1) You are wonderful just the way you are. 2) Have you ever asked him about maybe creating playlists for each other of songs that remind you each of the other? 3) Did he tell you this playlist was a compilation of songs that he and his ex shared? I understand how you feel uncomfortable about that if it were the case though.
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Np at all! Hope that uplifts you. 😊❤️ Definitely try to discuss about making a playlist for each other. It may help cheer you up too. But one can assume that playlist was for someone special. But maybe good to just confirm. Who knows what else it could be for? I’m confused why he would share a song from there to you if it was really from someone special before.
I’m feeling so weird today. I’ve had conversations with a few matches, but it feels off with them. I miss the connection I had with the last guy I briefly dated. I can’t help but feel like I messed it up.
I feel the same. Finding a connection is hard but its also important for that connection to be maintained. In my situation, I feel like I messed up by expressing how I felt. Even thought our situation was supposed to be casual I felt like what I said was a lot and it was too much for the situation we were in. I am also talking to other people and it doesn't feel the same. But it could be because of the timing. I think we can also recognize that doing the right thing can feel like we messed up when we walk away from something that is not serving us. We shouldn't let the connection make us feel bad about our choices or use it as an excuse for how the person treated us that made us feel like we messed up.
I gave him a chance to make it right and he didn’t. So I just have to take it for what it is and move past it. Sucks.
i slept well last night! it's been months. he officially dumped me a few weeks ago but it was a few months in the making. i need to feel security for full, complete, rest. all my degrees in science and what i resent most is how human my body wants to be.
I feel that, being with someone that can give you zero direction and answers kills me
After two months of talking, got told all he felt was a friend connection early this week. I knew this was coming because it was a struggle to get him to meet despite daily texting. But when we did meet, it felt very natural and I thought went great. He wants to remain friends but I can't keep up a daily penpal if it's not going anywhere. We haven't talked since. Saw him as 'active today' on hinge and 'looking for serious relationship'. I'm not sure if he realizes how emotionally unavailable he is and avoidant of furthering connections with people. I know I let the penpal thing to on too long but otherwise not really sure where I go from here. It seems like all the people interested in me is limited to only sexual or friends only. Never anything more than that. This one hurt more than others and I think I need to take a break from the apps.
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He definitely gave mixed signals in terms of interest, so I'm not sure.
Ouch, I do relate to your last paragraph. I have started to feel like I'm either purely a body or a personality but never a full person. I don't have any advice but for me it always feels better to slow down than to stop completely.
Just moved this week. Had a couple days of crying from overwhelm since I arrived at my new apartment. I start my new job on Monday, and I'm excited but anxious. At least my bed finally arrived so I'm not sleeping on the floor again... the little things, right? I did one last "family dinner" the night before I left with my ex and his kids (I lived with them for almost 3 years). Kids were a mess, ex was a mess, I was a mess. So many hugs. So much crying. The next morning, there was an energy drink in my cup holder and some great snacks packed for me in the front seat. It was sweet, but it stung... where was this thoughtful person when I was dating him? He never did stuff like that when we were together. Made me even more sad, tbh. Like a flicker of the person he could be and just... didn't care enough to be. So I'm just going to kind of... settle in, I guess. Keep my head down, work on myself, stay single. Cry some more. Maybe try to eat. I do SO BADLY with change, y'all. I get so stressed.
I felt this. A big hug. You will be ok.
It's going to feel hard for a while, maybe longer than you want it to. But eventually, things will be ok again. Hang in there. 🩷
‘… didn’t care enough to be.’ Ohhhh that stings. Exactly the same thing with my ex. Sorry it’s been a rough time for you but sound like you’re on the up! I hope the new job goes super well on Monday!
I'm new here and have been browsing a lot of posts this morning. Is it just me, or does this sub to be a lot more compassionate to women having issues than to men having issues? It seems, even if people disagree with how a woman may be handling something, they are also a bit kinder in telling her why they think that? It also seems people give the women a bit more grace in general and are willing to let them just be wrong, whereas the men are assumed to be acting in bad faith or maliciously
That’s common bias. It’s also, admittedly, my bias. But it comes from a place of trying to be helpful. Given the nature of the dating world it feels like a lot of advice women need is to keep their head up as they come into contact with so many dirtbags. Meanwhile with men that unless they can dig deep and solve whatever problems are fucking them up (and there are often many) they will continue to fail miserably in the face of all the competition there is. Of course in a situation where a woman can barely get a date or a man just keeps meeting toxic people trying to use them over and over again, the advice would be reversed. And sure it happens, but that’s not the average experience.
This likely just matches social norms at large
I think this is true to some extent but IMO it is much much better than it used to be. I first tried the sub in early 2021 and found it to be so biased that I had to get off it. I think a lot of the users then were "FDS" which I learned is sort of a female community of incels. I think a ton of credit is due to the mods though because it seems like they're really active now in cleaning up that type of stuff.
Every gender assumes the others get special treatment on here. You see bitter "well, if the genders were reversed " comments all the time.
Obviously a guy here (assuming my flair shows up) but I do agree with you, it's a little more sympathetic towards women. The thing is though, I generally notice most other dudes here fit into one of two buckets at a pretty high percentage. It's either "dude who never stopped dating like he's in his 20s and still doesn't really know what he wants besides a little bit of attention and a hookup," or "dude in his 30s who has barely any experience with women at all and the bitterness is starting to show." Obviously there's middle ground, but that just seems like the majority to me.
> "dude in his 30s who has barely any experience with women at all and the bitterness is starting to show." Well, in this case, I feel like I"ve seen quite a few jaded women as well, but again, them being jaded is looked at a bit more sympathetically. Its almost like people look at women being jaded over previous guys as the guys fault, and men being jaded over previous women was their own fault.
To be fair I don't really think that's just this sub, that's most of the internet, haha. With the rise of incel-tier thoughts across the internet and too many dudes going "women are whores because they won't sleep with me," guys haven't done themselves a lot of favors. I think you're likely to get sympathy from people if you were to write something like "wow, I've been on a string of bad dates, these women put in zero effort and the conversation wasn't there" as opposed to "I'm so lonely, no one ever gives guys a chance." Not saying that you're saying the latter, I haven't looked at your post history, but there's too much of the "woe is me" crowd in men online sometimes. I mean, and that's not even acknowledging how thirsty and awkward dudes are around women. My friend has had a guy text her "hey" once a week for the past 6 years. Anyways, just observations on this Saturday morning because I woke up too early .
You're kind of mirroring what OP was saying though, no? Bitter men seem to get a lot more blame than bitter women.
Right. Like both genders can have reasons to be bitter. But it seems people only tend to see a woman being bitter as valid
From memory a poll was once done and there were mostly women on this sub, so that could be why. What I notice (which is not relevant to gender) is the amount of people here unwilling to compromise on anything on their unrealistic checklist and wonder why they can't find a serious relationship. Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone but someone complained the other day about their date having too much of a good time in their company and it embarrassed her. God forbid someone feeling enthusiastic about you /s
This has been my observation as well.
In general the majority of the dating/relationship subreddits tend to lean in defense of women and also tend to be a bit harsher on men. But, that’s not always the case and there are many different viewpoints from all sides that get expressed. Some of the best posts are when the genders aren’t revealed and each person discusses from their respective points of view. Men and women both share many of the same experiences in dating.
Sure. I can see that. Its, in a way, like AITA. But the problem I see is that, to have these great posts, people need to hide the genders in order to have balanced discussion. Sometimes its going out of your way to do so. Someone's opinion on X behavior shouldn't be totally different based on if the person doing it is a man or a woman, or if you don't know. If X behavior is bad, it should be bad no matter who its coming from. Like I saw the post about the woman with concealed carry. I'm sure that the replies would have been very different if a man was writing in about whether it was ok to have a concealed gun on a date with a woman. But in reality, if you think its a problem to have a gun on you and not disclose that to your date, shouldn't it be a problem whoever is doing it?
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That is both hilarious and sad
going on my first "double date" with the new girl I'm dating. I haven't been on a double date in ages. kind of a weird thing because the two girls are friends and us lads haven't met before. do I just offer to pickup the check? how does that work?
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I would assume all 4 of you would split it!
Sounds like it could be fun. You do not need to offer to pay for everyone. You could offer to split and pay half of total for the two of you.
Talk to your date about the expectations. If you're comfortable paying for 4 people communicate that to her and then talk to the other couple when you meet up. If you'd prefer to split 50/50 couples pay their own way, talk about it.
Another Saturday with another lunch date where someone is using years old photos and are super different looking. Would it be wrong for me to start asking for a photo with the days newspaper before a meet is agreed? Haha Also it was an incredibly dull and depressing conversation. I miss finding something to laugh over. Maybe it's just the state of the world right now...
No problem, let me grab the newspaper from the front step. Hahaha
my friend just went on a date with a guy who spent the entire date bitching about his ex wife. bleak!
Nooooo! Other person is not ready to date. Comisserations to your friend!
lol yeah, I hope you find someone. Do you think the years old photos are because they just have no newer ones or haven't updated their profile or that they're actively trying to deceive?
Honestly no idea. My guess would be last weeks was intentional, or they were in denial they they are now obese. Today's, my feeling is they don't take or have photos of themselves and haven't acknowledged how they've changed in these trying times
I think for a lot of people, when you see yourself in the mirror every day, it's not easy to see that weight gain or aging happen, and you still can feel like that person from the previous pictures. I know when covid first happened, I gained a lot of weight and had become really pale from not going out. It took getting to my extreme (roughly 225, up from in the 170s) rapidly over a few months to really understand how bad things had gotten. Luckily I lost all of that weight. But guys just aren't really picture takers. I'm never out with the guys snapping photos of ourselves, and if we do, it's normally something that's not flattering and is more meant for laughs. So those five good pictures we've taken in the past three years are what ends up on the app, lol.
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Yeah I'm learning just a coffee might be more suitable! Unfortunately most independents here only have seating for those getting food and coffee typically is to go. Weather isn't quite there yet for walking outside. Made no mention of the photos being dated. I think I'll have to start asking folk more about their photos. I don't wanna try "catch someone out" but very much feeling deceived.
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I said asking more about them, as in like oh tell me where that was. In my og post the newspaper was a joke, obviously
Someone else mentioned video calls and this is definitely a good strategy for avoiding your problem, but I have seen many people on here say they hate video calls with strangers so you may also risk awkward connections/ things fizzling with people who just aren’t comfortable vs a bad fit. I guess what I’m saying is, no matter whatever method is chosen, there is risk involved I think I would still just take the L and go meet up. I wish I had the balls to just walk out quickly when I realize within 5 minutes that things wouldn’t go anywhere lol. Has anyone ever successfully done that or even let them know because of cat fishing? I always suffer the couple of hours lol Edit: also wanted to edit to add, I know it’s not personal and very common that people want to “test the waters” with walks/video chats/ etc, but I find it a bit insulting to start things off on that foot. Valuing a person enough to go spend 15 bucks on a drink in the chance that you ARE super into them is not that big of a risk in my books but maybe that’s just me. To each their own! I’d much prefer that to be the start of my love story but I know others don’t care or enjoy the date 0 regardless
Yeah I hate video calls myself so I know I wouldn't come across great on it which if they are as expect could put it in jeopardy. Like, I hate to be judgy but my heart actually sank on arrival seeing someone both heavier and scragglier (and shorter!) Than their profile perceives them to be. Looks arents everything and I'm no perfect ten by any means but it immediately does feel catfishy and makes me wonder what if anything about our exchanges has been true. Def wish I had the balls to walk out too!
That feeling is the worst. Then having to suffer for 1-2 hours after that. I hate it. I've been on dates where I wanted to walk in the other direction as soon as I saw them. Wonder if they could sense the cringe during our date?
this just happened to me. my date looked considerably different than her photos and I wanted to leave right at the beginning. I'm really not sure what the best etiquette is there..maybe like 30 minutes? I just feel so bad and awkward cutting a date so short like that.
Oh no, I am so sorry. You're asking the wrong person, but I imagine there has to be a socially acceptable way of either cutting the date short or not even going through with the date. I wish I had an answer. And the balls to walk away when this happens.
yea given we're 30+ I think it's mostly about having the balls like you say than what's socially acceptable per se. I think leaving immediately is way too much haha, but staying for 1 drink (and maybe drinking it quickly lol) feels acceptable to me. A few years ago I had a date with someone that cut a date short after 1 quick drink (maybe like 30 minutes in total). I was a bit stung in the moment but honestly was grateful for it afterwards. I'd rather she had done that than stayed for 2 hours.
It’s just so disrespectful (especially of my time) and I wouldn’t feel sympathy for anyone being misleading online and then having their date walk out. And then there is the fear that they could be a psycho and react dangerously! It just makes a bad situation for everyone Reminder to everyone to just be yourself! Even if I was still attracted to someone after being catfished I’d say no to future dates based on principle
Video call. If they refuse, then say no. Otherwise you can just disconnect when the 15 year older version of the person gets on.
Got a couple of chats going - we’ll see 🤷♀️ Mostly I’m counting down the days til cuffing season ends and hoping more viable prospects emerge after v-day passes. I changed up my profile based on feedback after my last profile review in December. I now have better photos of me, smiling with teeth, doing hobbies, hanging out with other people, showing my figure, and less selfies. I rewrote my bio to be more clear. I added a little flirtatious touch to be more appealing to men vs women. And yet… I have fewer matches coming in? 🤔 Not sure if it’s worth a profile review round 2. If things don’t pick up next month, maybe I will. In other news, I hung out with my newest hobby group yesterday and had a blast. I even went cameras on for the first time! It’s a performing arts group so I was feeling a little self-conscious at first but everybody was really welcoming. Excited to do it again soon!
>Have you considered remaking your profile? The longer you use an app, the higher the percentage of the userbase has seen your profile and decided one way or the other on you. The problem is that someone who saw the old version of the profile might have passed on you, but the new version might catch their attention, however since they have already made the decision on you, they will not see your new version.
Do you mean deleting my profile/matches and starting over? No, I haven’t considered doing that. I don’t think my profile is *that* different than it was to start with. This is just a little more polished. But you make a good point. It could just be that after ~2 months, there’s fewer users out there that haven’t seen my profile already. So maybe that’s why it seems like fewer likes are coming in now.
How's the quality of the matches, though? You say you have a few conversations going... that must be a good sign?
2 chats is a pretty low amount for me. The matches seem to be a good quality, it’s just less than I’ve had recently (before the profile change).
Cuffing season never ends
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Meant to say the comment to the OP!
Recurring rant: online dating. Or this could be about dating in general, I don’t even know. But this is the impression I’m getting from OLD. I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m getting to that age (about to turn 33) where most of the „good“ men are simply off the market already OR looking more for women in their mid twenties because they don’t want to start a family right away (neither do I, but I think people might assume I do?). I have no idea how to solve this. I’d be open to dating anyone between 30 and early 40s, I’m even starting to not immediately dismiss men who already have a child as I’m well aware this will get more common with age. However online all I see is either men who don’t want anything serious or have no idea what they want or men who say they want a serious relationship but honestly come across as very unattractive and can’t even present themselves decently on an OLD profile. Currently it feels like I just missed my chance of getting myself a man earlier and now there’s barely any left 🤷🏼♀️