What is considered normal frequency for text communication between dates if you have both said you’re interested in each other and want to pursue getting to know each other?
We have another date set at the end of the week and I want to text him all day, but I’m holding back because we’ve agreed not to rush anything. How do I do cool and calm when I want to text him every hour?
I always tell my friends (and myself lol) two things when super interested in a person and between early dates. Don't text for the sake of it, you'll end up sending "how are yous" back and forth. Wait until you have something interesting or valuable to say. The other is if you text TOO much early on, you won't have as much to say on those dates. Hold on to that funny story and share it in person!
I like to text with purpose and intent, so texting every hour seems tiring. Put your phone down and focus on something else- watch a movie, clean, exercise, etc. The relationship sounds new, so take it slow!
I am not texting every hour, because even excitement can be overbearing. I’m just making the point that I can’t follow my instinct because it’s a little crazy.
What is normal though? Is it reasonable to reach out daily? We are texting back and forth, but he answers immediately and if I matched that, we wouldn’t stop talking or the onus would be on him to stop it and I don’t want him to have to do all the work of brakes.
I know the advice is not let it bother you, it's just the nature of apps, just roll with it; BUT whenever you match with someone, and THEY send YOU the first message, you get a twinge of excitement and message them back (They're verified! It'll be fine!).
Except you get to the end of the day and they haven't responded, then they've gone and unmatched you. Holy shit does this ever drive me up the wall.
(Granted, I do a have date booked in for this week with someone and still arranging something with someone else, but come on man!)
Weird... this would definitely turn me off. I'm fine with an initial FaceTime, but the repeat request is odd. Did she forget you already did it?? Haha. What did you tell her?
Some people are just on the apps to pass time and/or entertain themselves. They have zero intention of ever meeting. I would have blocked her after the first escapade.
Yeah I wouldn't be down for multiple facetimes either. I would tell her you're not interested unless she's ready to meet in person. This isn't normal dating app behavior, so she may be hiding something (an existing relationship, or trying to scam you) and you definitely don't need to waste more time if that's the case.
> Also I don’t know if something’s wrong with me, but I genuinely enjoy spending time with people and there’s very few people I meet that I wouldn’t go on a second date with.
I envy you. I have the opposite problem. Enjoy who you are.
I'm sorry for the frustration. I have a hard time with how to take the friend vibes feedback. Like, if people really understood how much love and admiration I have for my friends, friend vibes would not be a death sentence on dates.
>Also I don’t know if something’s wrong with me, but I genuinely enjoy spending time with people and there’s very few people I meet that I wouldn’t go on a second date with.
Same actually, very few. Unless *he* doesn't want a second date lmao
Trying to take things slow with this guy I have been talking to for a few weeks and just went on a date with last night. Basically feel like we have already been going slow due to us both traveling for the holidays and not being able to meet for 2 weeks.
We had an awesome first date last night and I genuinely felt a great connection. We ended up coming back to my place to drink wine & listen to music, and at the end of the night, made out a bit but nothing else, which I was perfectly fine with! It was definitely hot and heavy and there is undeniable chemistry between us.
Earlier today he asked when he would see me next, so I asked if he was free Friday. It was through text so I can’t tell for sure but it seemed like he got kind of miffed at that. He asked “so you’re really going to make me wait all week to see you?”
I get it that we had a great time and built up a lot of anticipation by not being able to meet for a while, but I don’t want to rush into anything like I did with the last guy. I know the last guy was a rebound of sorts for me and I don’t have any interest in duplicating what we had with this guy. I actually like him and despite us both not wanting a committed relationship right now, I can see it being something more than casual if that makes sense.
Anyway, not sure if I should interpret it as a red flag or if he was even being serious since he jokes around a lot and is always sarcastic. On one hand, it is nice to feel that he is eager to see me again but I know what happens when you see them too much in the beginning and I’m trying to keep it at a slow yet realistic pace. I’m not free the rest of the week til Friday so tomorrow really is the only day I can see him.
Maybe I’m over-thinking and should just go with it. I ended up saying I am free tomorrow instead because I do truly want to see him but now I feel like I’m sabotaging myself but going against wanting to take it slow.
Ok, thanks. I want to be firm in my boundaries but then I feel like I’m almost playing games by denying that I want to see him sooner. I am telling myself it’s okay because I won’t be able to see him a few days after tomorrow anyway. Ideally, I would have said midweek but my schedule didn’t allow it.
My boyfriend of 5 months asked me to start spending more time with him when he had his girls (6&7) me and my 3 year old son have hung out with them maybe 4 times and I’ve hung out just me with them maybe 3 times. I went over for a movie last night and stayed past their bedtime. His youngest came out after saying goodnight and asked me for a hug. I was so surprised and said yes. Apparently they asked if I was sleeping over but I want to work up to that so I didn’t. They asked me and my son to come over today so we went over to play and for dinner. All the kids get along so well and just love each other which is awesome. We went to leave and the youngest came down with dad to say bye, my son ran back in to hug her. Then we turn to leave and she asks me for a hug again. It warmed my heart.
The biggest reason I was touched is because I work with the girls mom and she kept telling me she was worried her youngest would be too much for me. She always says she’s the difficult one, the one that always has issues (only likes certain clothes because of the feel, has bad dreams, disagrees etc) to me they all sound like fairly normal kid things. After I hung out with the girls the first 2 times their mom said to me “ did L give you trouble, she can be a bit cold at first compared to G” nope she was sweet, they both were. “Oh really”
My boyfriends last 2 girlfriends apparently would get irritated with the youngest as well. One used to get jealous his girls always came first. The last one straight up called her a “see you next Tuesday “ right in front of her to their dad and would yell at her for wanting attention after not seeing her for a week distracting girlfriend from her games.
I’ve had nothing but warmth from her and she’s constantly asking about me/me and my son coming over and wanted us to stay longer. I’ve always had patience easy, my younger brother was supposedly “a lot” growing up but I was always his protector and my dad would compliment me on how I was with him.
I’m sure she has her hard moments because all kids do but it makes me happy to have a connection with her
This is a big win and so heartwarming!! Sounds like you are doing all the right things to be good to these kids; children can have such good radar to sense compassion from people who truly care.
I needed this once. One therapist I had was so mentally unstable themselves it really fucked up my head. I found a Psychologist and the healing began. I will never deal with another "Therapist" again, only an actual Doctor.
That was not the first bad experience I had with a "Therapist".
A psychologist still a therapist. Just as are many other professions. Your one bad experience doesn’t define all people in other professions, and many people are equally wounded by psychologists as they are other fields. Stop perpetuating stigma based on one “experience”
I was told that she wants to be friends and doesn’t have romantic feelings. I’m ok with that, I can’t change her feelings, but it sucks that she literally told me I’m handsome, husband material and basically perfect. She hates that she doesn’t have romantic feelings for me. She is the first person since my divorce that I actually could see a future with. This one just hits different. Should I cut contact and try to forget her or try and stay friends?
This is a hard and disappointing situation, I'm sorry. Perhaps there is a friendship somewhere down the line, but I suspect it might be quite hard to tell at the moment -- it sounds like you have strong romantic feelings, and unfortunately those don't just disappear overnight and transform directly into platonic ones. Perhaps a period of limited or no contact while you work on moving on is in order? Then, once you've acknowledged and fully accepted that you and this person are not meant to be together romantically, you may be able to actually learn to see her in a purely platonic light (if the friendship is really worth pursuing!).
Also, even though she's the first person you could see a future with, she won't be the last -- the person you can really see a future with will be someone who shares your depth of feelings and *also* has the qualities you are searching for in a partner. So that person is worth finding :)
You are probably right. It’s just a tough pill to swallow. And she is someone that I would definitely be friends with in a different situation too. I just don’t know if I go no contact to heal up that a friendship survives. But I know that I’m hung up and it will be a long time before I can completely move on if I stay in touch right now.
Absolutely, that's a super hard situation for sure. :( Feeling hung up and disappointed is so natural and normal. Being patient to process it all is always helpful, knowing and trusting that you can absolutely move on with time. There is a world beyond how much it hurts now. And regarding the friendship, even if there's a period of limited contact, "if it is right, it happens -- the main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away." And from the same source... "Sometimes it happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another -- but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good."
Sending you strength, take good care of yourself!
I'm officially in a relationship after 16 years being single. Yes, I meant 16 years. It's with an "ex" who technically wasn't one because he didn't want to commit when we dated. We reconnected recently and decided to try again, officially.
I have no idea if this thing will work out. At this point I'd so resigned myself to creating a single life that is fantastic, that I'm not afraid of being alone. This man isn't perfect, and there are things I'm unsure of. But I'm glad to have the chance to use my 'romantic' skills and to see how can I grow positively from this experience.
I'm not entirely sure. But factors that might have played a part:
- I moved countries 3ce
- For about 11 years of that period I was really stressed and on work or student visas in the US. I probably wasn't in a good place mentally despite trying to find someone.
- I used online dating off and on for about 9 of those years. The apps got worse and worse. 😔 I went on at least 100 dates over the years. I just couldn't find a good match.
- I just couldn't date casually. I grew up in a culture where you date to marry. So my criteria was more stringent than the typical westerner, from what I've seen.. Funny enough I've chilled out as I aged. The advantage is I never had a truly bad experience. Never dealt with a narcissist, abuse, etc.
- I've gotten better looking with age. Take better care of my skin, have decent style etc. That stands out more when you're 40 than when you're 27.
- I think men in their late 30s to late 40s are more appreciative of the qualities I have? Things like being financially prudent, common sense, communicating gently, not sweating the small stuff, etc.. I had some of those qualities in my 20s - mid 30s, but I don't feel that the men I was interested in prioritized those.
Is it normal to go on dates with multiple people? Do you need to disclose that you are still dating other people? What date do you need to disclose that? (For non hook up dates)
Yeah pretty normal, especially if you’re dating in a large US city - dating culture varies a lot depending on location. You don’t need to disclose until you feel you need to and/or one person asks/initiates a conversation. It may also be part of a conversation around sexual health.
Ok. Guess my small city in Montana isn’t big enough for this then… turns out two of the people I was dating (2 dates each) know each other and found out. I felt guilty that I hadn’t told them I was dating other people too but I didn’t tell them cause I thought it was assumed (especially with no sex involved). Thanks for confirming that I don’t have to feel guilty… just awkward haha.
i cannot get over this breakup. i knew there's a home game today because i had to delete it off my calendar.
*
he went with the friend/coworker/employee 'who's happy that he's happy' when i asked. friend doesn't like me, right?
* he was so pleased that 'no one in his life knows about me'
* he's calm, collected, calculating. he misremembered a detail that he adamantly denies. it was my reaction that made him question my thinking process?!
* he couldnt finish college but succeeded in small business. i got a terminal degree with the pay and student loans; its much harder for me to put time/effort into my startup.
* i worked past few weekends for the easy holiday pay (double-time) which means that i've been nonstop for weeks now. he has some past trauma because somehow i'm not hardworking enough.
i'm incredibly blessed to have had cathartic activities setup all weekend. i felt a brief moment of calm at the end of yoga/meditation. the dating apps were good to me. tomorrow will be the last day of a winter sport that i have attached to him. i'm ready to close this book.
Forgive me if I'm not remembering correctly, but didn't the breakup just happen like a week ago? I don't know why you would expect to be over it by now. I know it's not fun to be in that phase when you're still processing and hurting, but it takes as long as it takes. Give yourself time to get through it.
Got dumped today. They didn’t give a specific reason, just that they didn’t see a future together. Feeling so deflated and emotionally exhausted. Wondering when I’ll meet my person, or if I ever will 😔
Sending a big hug. Try to keep the faith! I wonder the same thing as you quite often. Just remember that if you want to find your person, it will feel so much better when you find one who really wants that future with you too -- so much better and more fulfilling than the current pain and exhaustion, and so much better than being with someone who isn't able to invest in you. So for now, be patient and let yourself grieve the situation, but work as best you can toward embracing being free of the wrong person, and therefore available to meet someone more compatible -- they are out there somewhere.
So how do you prepare yourself psychologically for having unwanted sex? I know, people will say you shouldn't have unwanted sex. But then they also say that you need to experiment constantly to find what you like. So for example, if I don't like the sensation of oral sex, I need to force myself to have a lot of oral sex until I like it. And how will I know if I like it? I don't know. I can already orgasm from oral, but I still dislike the sensations. Anyway at some point, I'm going to have to bite the bullet and have sex that I don't want. I don't drink unfortunately so I can't rely on alcohol. It just sucks that this is what dating is like in 2023. I don't think I can bring myself to date again
The responses are always variations of "oh you just haven't had good oral yet" well sorry but there's no such thing as good oral to me. I don't like the actual sensations of oral sex. I can orgasm from it, but I don't enjoy it. Maybe I should reframe this as a kink so people will accept it instead of gaslighting me
You do *not* have to make yourself learn to like something, especially around sex! Seems like you are either putting your partners desires first or you’re trying to live up to an idea of how you “should” be having sex. Neither of those is right way to go. Honor yourself and your feelings! There is nothing wrong with your preferences or the pace at which you want to be intimate.
I'm putting reddit desires first, in theory. In practice, I'm DONE with this bullshit dating stuff. I'm sick of having to follow conflicting advice all the time and then having unwanted sex with guys because I'm supposed to
Yeah, I have to take a break from here every once and a while. The chatter is a lot sometimes. Guess that goes to show how there are no actual rules and they you should just do you.
Except there are rules. One time I actually found a guy who was sexually compatible, but I had to end things because "he doesn't want you enough" according to my previous therapist. So then I learned the rule that you're supposed to have sex more than once a week. We were compatible overall as well and it sucked that we didn't fit the rules. The relationship had a lot of potential
Hey. I’ve been reading a few of ur replies and a few things I have learnt.
1. Therapists sound like they are doing u more harm then good.
2. I would be interested in chatting with u to get some insight into a “non sexual” mind. ( I’m not trying to insult. Just don’t know what term to use)
3. Ur displaying the same characteristics as my ex wife but at the same time not. Hence my curiosity
>2\. I would be interested in chatting with u to get some insight into a “non sexual” mind. ( I’m not trying to insult. Just don’t know what term to use)
That's extremely insulting. Blocked!
There are NO rules. Your therapist sounds wack. Stop taking peoples opinions as direction for what you need to do with your life. You don’t “have” to do anything. I hope you’re able to learn how to trust that what you want for yourself is the right path.
>There are NO rules. Your therapist sounds wack. Stop taking peoples opinions as direction for what you need to do with your life. You don’t “have” to do anything. I hope you’re able to learn how to trust that what you want for yourself is the right path.
What I want isn't the right path lmao. If I stuck to what I wanted, I wouldn't have realized I was supposed to have sex at all, and I would've never kissed anyone. I'm so stupid that I was humping furniture for years not realizing that the urges were sexual in nature. And I was in my early 20s then. It's better if others can tell me what to do and when to do it.
Might you be on the asexual or demisexual spectrum?
Some people aren’t sexually attracted to other people, or they might take longer and require an emotional connection to become sexually attracted to them. People like this might still get sexual urges and might even masturbate, but the urges are not directed at another person. That’s completely okay.
There are asexual and demisexual men out there too, and people who might be interested in having a non-sexual or less-sexual relationship, or doing things like mutual masturbation where you could get yourself off in the way that pleases you, while avoiding sensations and experiences you don’t enjoy.
There is no “supposed to” or “right way” when it comes to sex. You carve your own path.
>Might you be on the asexual or demisexual spectrum?
I looked into it a while back, and I found that these are very controversial orientations with little scientific consensus. I'm not going to subject myself to a label that has virtually no scientific backing. So no.
>Some people aren’t sexually attracted to other people,
I'm definitely sexually attracted to other people. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to orgasm from sex virtually every time I've had sex.
>There are asexual and demisexual men out there too, and people who might be interested in having a non-sexual or less-sexual relationship
Okay, but *I* am looking for a sexual relationship, not a friendship. This isn't friendshipoverthirty. Sex is a part of dating and relationships. It's not healthy to hide behind labels anyways.
>I'm not going to subject myself to a label that has virtually no scientific backing
They are descriptive, not prescriptive terms. Its not like a diagnosis you give yourself. Its like describing your eye color as blue, when in reality there are hundreds of nuanced colors in there that looking at the whole present as "blue"
>I looked into it a while back, and I found that these are very controversial orientations with little scientific consensus. I'm not going to subject myself to a label that has virtually no scientific backing. So no.
But you are going to subject yourself to intentional trauma? I think that's more damaging than a label. Please be kind to yourself!
Sex is not an essential part of everyone's romantic relationship. There are people who want a romantic relationship but are not interested/less interested in sex. It's fine if you want to have sex, but it sounds like you really don't enjoy it (to the point you would rather be unconscious while a man has his way with you, to the point of disassociating), so please don't force yourself to do things you don't enjoy.
I don’t like oral sex performed on me, so I don’t have it done on me. Like what am I supposed to be doing all up here by myself lol. Always feels awkward to me.
You don’t have to like every type of sex and that’s okay. You find stuff that you and your partner are into and have fun. There are so many different sexual things there is no need to force yourself to enjoy something you just don’t.
I don't like the actual sensation of oral sex. I can orgasm from oral sex but I don't actually enjoy it. No one believes this is possible. They just want me to keep trying until I learn to like it.
It sounds like you’ve given it the good ole college try. It’s not like magically at time 100 it’s going to be super different. Maybe you’ll find a guy that is slightly better, but even still it doesn’t sound like that’s the problem for you. I wouldn’t keep engaging in things that you’re not comfortable with.
Treat yourself better than that. Guys who cared about me didn’t care about not giving me oral. If someone is pushing you into something you don’t enjoy, you don’t want to be around those people anyways.
>Treat yourself better than that. Guys who cared about me didn’t care about not giving me oral. If someone is pushing you into something you don’t enjoy, you don’t want to be around those people anyways.
It's my friends and redditors that are pushing me, not partners. I just want to meet social norms about sexual experimentation, I don't care about being happy
Your mindset is exactly opposite. You need to care more about your own happiness than what other people think. Redditors, especially on other subs, are not known for giving the best advice.
We’re old enough now that we need to own who we are and not be afraid to admit it or care what other people think for being it. I hope you get to that point!
Do not do this. If you don't want to do it, then don't. There's no rule that you need to "force" yourself to do stuff.
When people say "experiment", they mean in a fun, exploratory way.
If you're curious and want to try it? Cool.
If it repulses you and makes you physically uncomfortable? DO NOT DO IT.
I don't like the actual sensation of oral sex. I can orgasm from oral sex but I don't actually enjoy it. No one believes this is possible. They just want me to keep trying until I learn to like it. I wish there was some medication I could take that would allow me to pass out for a short time
But also I'm supposed to keep experimenting and trying oral with 100 different partners until I like it. So which is it? Am I allowed to refuse things I don't enjoy, or am I obligated to try to enjoy them?
It's funny because my previous therapist said "If you told me you didn't like chocolate ice cream, I'd tell you to try every brand out there before deciding on that." It's a different mindset
Not every therapist is good at their job.
It kind of seems like you are looking to have people here agree with them and say that you should keep with the oral until you like it.
If your friend was saying that they don’t like some other sex act, would you think it would be appropriate to suggest to have them keep trying it until they like it?
>Not every therapist is good at their job.
>
>It kind of seems like you are looking to have people here agree with them and say that you should keep with the oral until you like it.
That's usually the response I get, actually.
>If your friend was saying that they don’t like some other sex act, would you think it would be appropriate to suggest to have them keep trying it until they like it?
No, but that's because I'm not sex-positive, according to said therapist. A sex-positive person would say yes, they should keep trying
I kind of agree with you, but I also don't really care about my health and mental health anymore, so I might as well see how much unwanted sex I can have before I become too traumatized to continue
The fact that you're orgasming is irrelevant. It's an extreme example, but people orgasm while being sexually assaulted and that doesn't make it consensual.
>They just want me to keep trying until I learn to like it.
Selfish assholes will say this about any sex act, especially selfish assholes who watch too much porn.
If they're pushing you to have sex you know you don't enjoy or want, the solution is to dump them, not to comply.
>>They just want me to keep trying until I learn to like it.
>
>Selfish assholes will say this about any sex act, especially selfish assholes who watch too much porn.
>
>If they're pushing you to have sex you know you don't enjoy or want, the solution is to dump them, not to comply.
It's my friends and people on Reddit who say this, not partners
Dont listen to other people and don’t let them tell you what to do. Just listen to you and your body and trust yourself. Every human body is different!
how do you prefer feedback for a breakup? i think it might have been kinder for him to cite things that i cannot change instead of revealing that i cannot communicate who i am and where i'm going. i'm miserable recounting events in my head and how things could have been different.
i keep replaying events in my head. like what if i hadnt pushed for dates when he was busy? i stifled myself because he was so tired. he recalls these moments as 'not a strong connection'
Question guys. What's your go-to response when a date asks how Tinder/Bumble/Hinge is going for you? How much are you willing to share?
I typically tell them that they're here so the app works or that I've been on a few dates. I never specify how many or which turned into relationships. I really don't like being asked this question because I feel like no matter what answer I give, they'll judge me for it.
I feel like I get asked this a lot if we make it to a first date. I don't feel like I'm being judged, but I also feel it's not the time for a super full discussing of all the outcomes of OLD for me, lol. I usually just say, pretty good, some weird moments.
I don’t think I’ve ever been asked. It’s a bit of a faux pas IMO. If asked I think I’d just say something like “well, still single” and just laugh it off
Was supposed to go on a first date on Friday. When the evening rolled around and I checked in with him to confirm, he acted he didn’t know it was actually happening. Okay, fair, we didn’t finalize the details of the date (I was expecting him to reach out to make that happen in the days leading up). Reschedule for Sunday. Pick a bar to meet. Lovely.
Now it’s Sunday and I send a text to confirm the time we’re going to meet up. It’s been an hour and a half and no response. I guess I’m getting ghosted. I’m not even sad/hurt about it, I’m just annoyed. He pushed for moving to text right away, his profile had several lines about wanting a serious relationship - but just getting vibes of insecurity.
On a positive note, I got a match on Hinge that I’m excited about. I sent him a like earlier this week and was really hoping we would match. Now it’s time to hope that he will engage in conversation. 🙃
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He probably reads this.
It has been one month and five days since I told him that I don't want to talk to him anymore. I am feeling better now 😅 maybe I will be ready to date again in the next few months.
I'm a 38M and have been dating a woman (34F) for about 1month. It seems to be going well generally speaking, but she's very non-committal when it comes to making plans. She hasn't canceled on anything yet, but she doesn't ever really confirm until like day of and just apologizes a lot via text a lot leading up. We also live somewhat far from each other and it's unlikely we'll just bump into each other without planning.
We spent a bunch of time together this weekend, but now don't have any plans coming up. I want to see her and I told her, but she was vague about her availability this week. I don't really know whether or not to make any further plans with her.
Should I just back off for a while?
I like her a lot and she tells me she likes me too, but we don't seem to be on the same page about organizing activities together.
Yeah, this doesn’t sound good. Sounds like she’s possibly fading away and the relationship may be falling apart. I hope that’s not the case, but the lack of communication and the lack of initiating rescheduling seem concerning.
Tips for not taking rejection so personally or obsessing over what happened?
Especially when the other person doesn’t ever say anything direct to reject you (not talking about ghosting, I would accept that as a response lol).
In terms of short-term break ups, it has always helped me to think that I’m just not their cup of tea and that they prefer something else. This doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me or that I’m critically flawed, just that we were mismatched and it would be best to find someone who is a better fit.
Long-term break ups from relationships that span years is a different story. Usually journaling, talking with friends/family, counseling, and hobbies have helped me cope and not ruminate on things.
It helps me to think about it as something that saves each of us time in the long-run. Like when I'm rejected, I feel better thinking like "at least we found out we're not good for each other now and not in 6 months"
It's difficult to make peace with rejection, but I think the foundation of that is to remember that it's not a question of "can I convince this person I am right for them," the question is "are we right for each other?"
"I'm into people who are head-over-heels for me, and I'm not into people who don't like me for who I am." That's the mindset I try to cultivate. There will always be a visceral sting, but... that helps to blunt it, to some degree.
If you know you're not going to be available to go out on dates the next few weeks, do you generally also take some time off OLD apps?
Currently not chatting to anyone (restarted the apps this weekend), and got hit with personal stuff that will see me extremely time-poor for the next 2 weeks, I don't want to start up any conversations knowing full well it's unlikely I can do anything for that time, part of me also suspects this is my own self sabotaging nature giving me a reason to avoid getting back into the dating pool again.
It sort of embarrasses me (37f) how little I’ve dated, how few dates, sparse interactions with men I’ve had at my age. I’m understanding why now but a lot of it is very hard to understand still why I’m quite like this.
Well I hope you can find a way to be kind to yourself - everyone’s path is different and there’s nothing wrong with someone just because they haven’t been successful in romantic relationships.
I guess?
We go out together... dinners, shows, and even trips. I don't consider us "officially" dating for many reasons. To me that is an exclusive relationship and we are not there.
We have not DTR because I'm not ready.
There's a lot of BS advice out there that women should date many, many men so that they sense competition and 'compete' for you - or that men love competition and therefore its important to make them compete for you.
No.
This only makes you addicted to male attention.
My fresh, clean, clear, non-manipulative mindset is this - Make sure your alone is so damn juicy and so damn good that the only 'competition' a man has is with your alone time. If being with him isn't better or equal to your alone, then he better try harder or just go away.
This probably applies to men dating women too. And non-binary.
Were they like, their *only* friends-friends, or “this is a group of people I got close to at work and now we hang out?” Because I have the latter and it’s not strange, it’s just one of my social circles.
the man has since dumped me, but its an interesting subject to explore. their workday, their payrate, their everything relies a lot on him. at one point, he said 'hey, i saved you from \[crappy retail corporation\]. navigating his relationship with them would have been difficult
No. I think they’re lucky. I meet zero coworkers working from home and traveling. I’m all of my friends non work friend.
Nurses are friends with nurses. Cops with cops. City peeps with city peeps. Geologist with geologist. And then there’s me. That’s my friend make up.
Been with my new boyfriend for going on a month and a half. I’m realizing relationships cause anxiety and depression for me.
I am not sure how to keep having stuff to talk about. This is really getting to me and why I don’t really bother with any form of relationships. I just run out of things to say. I know I’m a boring person that lives in my head. My eating disorder has gotten worse because now I have someone touching me. I can’t do my normal routine when I spend time with him and my body desperately needs a very specific routine to function (I’ve fucked up my body due to having an eating disorder for so long. Laxatives-never take them).
I think I’m overthinking and obsessing over everything now because I genuinely like him and I don’t want to get hurt. I feel ready to just end things and block him because of this. But then I know I would regret it.
I’m in therapy. Been in therapy off and on for years. I’m better in some ways, but much worse in others. I don’t know what to fucking do with myself.
Taking care of yourself is so paramount. I really like the advice you've gotten already about opening up and communicating this with your boyfriend -- if he is a kind and decent person, he will seriously care about your well-being, and that's the only kind of person you want to be dating! -- and to focus on your health above all.
I also wonder if you could try to ponder the thought... have you considered that the 'person who lives in your head' might actually be quite fascinating to someone else, and not really boring at all? (Also remember, it's totally okay to not know what to talk about all the time, especially as you ease into a more comfortable period of getting to know someone.) It seems likely you're a lot more interesting than you give yourself credit for -- we humans are truly terrible objective judges of ourselves. It can be a worthwhile experiment to just try to figure out what those aspects of yourself might be, even starting with the smallest possible thing, because sometimes you just have to try believing it without 'evidence' to learn those things about yourself!
I hope you feel better soon! It sounds like you're doing the hard work. Progress is never linear (often two steps forward, one step back) so taking a moment to appreciate where you've bettered yourself and continuing to work toward caring for yourself is something you can absolutely continue to do ❤️
Hello, thank you for your thoughtful response.
I’m very open and honest with my thoughts and feelings with him. He’s been very kind and supportive. I just don’t like burdening someone with that and he shouldn’t have to deal with it. Especially so early on. Right now, it’s supposed to be the fun part of a relationship. It has been, but I’m ruining it.
I don’t think the person in my head is very fascinating, no. It’s riddled with self hatred (which he used those words, not me. Very perceptive). I struggle with staying interested in anything and that causes me to just lay at home doing nothing because I can’t focus. Which in turn gives me even less to talk about.
I see what you’re saying and I can try to see those things… I’ve never been able to see them before or I feel it’s just not enough. Idk.
I’m just ready to finally be ok, but I’m not sure I ever will be. Just have to keep trying.
Thank you again.
Maybe open up to your boyfriend and tell him how you’re doing, that you’re finding being in a relationship more challenging than you’d expected. If you can tell him how he can help or reassure you of his feelings, maybe it’ll help ease some of the anxiety you have about not being interesting/some of the insecurity about your body. Sorry your relationship is triggering you, but your mental health should always come first if need be.
Thank you for your reply. I am very open and communicative about this. It’s just, I know it gets old hearing about it. He’s very supportive and does what he can. But, he shouldn’t have to. It’s on me to take care of me and my issues. I’m 36 and never been mentally ok and not sure I ever will be. I keep trying though… I just feel horrible now allowing myself to be in a relationship and bringing him into my world.
Just keep trying! Part of being in a relationship is depending on someone else, not for everything but finding a good balance. Don't beat yourself up when you're already down. There's nothing horrible about trying to find love. Treat yourself with kindness and be compassion. You're doing your best and figuring it out.
I have been working on myself for a very long time. It just feels like I’m never going to be ok and I’m feeling immense guilt bringing someone into my world. Thank you for your kind words.
My experience with guilt is that it keeps me trapped and stops me from dealing with my own problems in any kind of constructive way. It’s easier said than done, but if you can be nice to yourself and just know no matter how much you beat yourself up, it won’t change your present, then you give yourself a chance to move forward. That’s just my experience, if it helps at all.
The Podcaster is no more! He blew me off last night when he knew I’d had a shitty day, I got frustrated and called him out on it, basically saying that I understood his reasoning but was still disappointed that he’d basically made me his third option. I have ADHD and with that comes rejection sensitivity, which definitely happened last night and I let him know, but my reaction was also…not that extreme. It really wasn’t — I said I was bummed, laid out exactly why I reacted a little more strongly than I would’ve otherwise, and went to bed.
I figured we’d talk about it, but he texted me this morning to let me know he was done because “it’s casual, you’re not my priority and I shouldn’t be yours” (pulled a muscle with that reach, truly — I’d been very clear this whole time that I’m not gonna date someone fresh out of an LTR). Blocked me immediately after texting me and unmatched on Hinge too. The worst part? I had friends over for brunch this morning (which he knew) and he timed it so that I’d get it right as people were trickling in. He’s been so intense for a casual thing that I’d been waiting for the freak out, but I really wasn’t expecting it so soon, yikes.
Had two mimosas and deleted Hinge. I’m done for now, this is ridiculous.
Broke up with the person I've been seeing for a few months yesterday. It wasnt going to work, but I am still very very bummed out. We had a lot in common that I don't share with friends, so I will miss having someone to do those activities with more than anything. Probably time to take a break from dating.
He’s not giving you mixed signals. He hasn’t texted you. When you guys ran into each other he didn’t say anything about keeping in touch or seeing you again. You had a fun flirty night, you made a new connection in your group, and that’s it.
Yeah, you’re probably right. I guess I’ve never experienced a “just flirty” night before so I was a bit thrown. I don’t want to fall into the same self fulfilling prophecy of working myself up only to be disappointed. Onwards I go.
If you’re looking for a relationship tell him. Have a talk about it, see if he’s ready and willing to step up. The behavior you’re describing isn’t great. If he gives you any excuses about not being ready or whatever let home go and move on, three months is plenty of time, otherwise he will continue to waste your time.
If you really like him it seems like you’re going to have to take the lead and ‘train’ him how to be in a relationship due to his pretty extreme lack of experiences. If that’s something you’re comfortable taking on, it will probably include explaining how you want to be treated by a partner outside the bedroom (initiating plans, prompt communication, being prioritized etc) and inside the bedroom.
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Dropped OLD right before the holidays as I was feeling drained after 7 months of disappointment. I do want to date, but know from past experience joining things in my city isn't a thing eligible men do...so OLD is the only option.
I just wish all the offerings weren't the same bag of crap.
1. Went on the third date with someone - he checks off everything but I’m not attracted to him. Idk what to do
2. The day after this date I got a text from the guy I was in a situation ship with on and off for 10 months. He messaged me to ask me a question after 4 months of no contact. Just days ago on 1st Jan I was crying a bunch over him cos he didn’t wish me for the new year and I felt worthless as always. That spiral lasted a few days. I responded to his question in defail and then gave monosyllable responses to him checking on me. Pretty sure this is him just seeing if I’ve moved on
Could No. 1 be because you’ve not moved on from no. 2? Easier to say when it’s not you but delete the conversation and remove any contact. That way if they reach out again, your reply can be ‘who is this’. It will either give off the impression you have moved on and to leave you alone, or perhaps spark some effort if they are remotely looking to rekindle (and make them work for it!).
1. I’m not physically attracted to him, I should’ve been more clear…
2. I’m gonna delete his number and chat now. I just asked him about his family and they’re ok. But my friends say it’s evident he has no feelings for me.. I don’t think he would care either way if I said “who is this” if he ever messaged again
Date 4 was on Friday. By the end of the weekend we're on 'date' 7 at least and it's going to be a long week until number 8. Had a few long pillow talks - I think we're on the same page about a lot of key stuff and this feels really good! ☺
Friend swore the girl he is dating was giving the slow fade. I reassured him that we as women need some time to ourselves. This weekend they are spending it doing outdoor stuff. Didn’t tell him “I told you so”, but I told him he needs to get out of his own head.
And the co-worker who asked me out a couple weeks ago has gone silent. Maybe he’s on here and read my rant. Or he lost interest. Either way, it’s a sigh of relief on my end. I don’t dislike him, but I’m not interested in him romantically. Add to the equation that I just don’t want to date right now.
Now to my fitness! Nothing like a sinus and ear infection to make you want to sleep and avoid humans. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.
I know what you mean. I had a month and a bit off dating from late November. I’m a runner but I also fell over my foot early in to that and haven’t been quite right since. If the weather was nicer I would just go for a walk.
Went on a couple dates with a girl. I think it was going well but there is some awkwardness from both (both of us are pretty open about being inexperienced but she’s being patient). I’m kinda dumb with social cues but she’s really into me. I do like her, but I’m worried she’s way more into me than I’m with her at the moment. We kissed and just sat together. But part of me feels like I might have taken advantage of her if I wasn’t totally feeling the mood…
Let it develop naturally? You don’t actually know what she’s feeling or thinking, you’re assuming. Inexperience in dating can also come out as seemingly being more enthusiastic than you really are, or less.
Tried to rejoin tinder. Forgot I'm Perma banned. Not even sure why. I barely had a conversation with anyone. None of my pics were lewd or fake. But I guess someone decided I violated the TOS. 🤷🏾
Rejoined bumble... Got 1 match and I'm already regretting signing up. Pretty sure he's one of those fellows who swipes right on everyone then filters. How do I know this? The fact he responded with a low effort response and didn't even bother to try and engage. And no I did not send just a "hi!"
I did see a guy on there that I briefly dated. I got upset over it. Not that I liked him or anything. But he turned out to be a total con. Wanted casual (after I told him I wasn't looking for that), didn't use his real name, pretty sure he made his money off of scamming people. It didn't last long. but it reminded me how there are more people out there who are willing to be dishonest than be upfront about anything.
I give myself a week before I delete the app. My mom is still living with me so me even trying to date is stupid on my part.
I have plans for when she moves out though. I plan on learning how to ride a motorcycle which is very exciting. And if possible maybe by myself one. I like the idea of taking road trips and going on mini adventures.
>he completely brushed me off, made it seem like I was trying to control him, and now has been ignoring me.
Don't date someone who does this to you. Any good or redeeming qualities he has is eclipsed by this sort of behavior. He invalidated your legitimate concerns and then proceeded to not speak to you? No thanks. You're not being overly sensitive.
I think at this point you have to ask yourself why you would want to stay with him. And what’s in it for you. I hate dating too, but I do believe it’s better to be alone than with the wrong person.
Last night I had a dream in which I was spending time with someone and we had a conversation in which we realized we felt the same way about each other. It was so nice to feel that kind of connection, even if it was in a dream.
A week or so ago I commented in another post that I was going to forgo OLD this entire year. I've been single for almost three years, mostly due to the pandemic, and the thought of actually connecting with someone seems so unlikely.
Dating in my mid/late thirties has been more difficult than I expected. Has anyone else felt this way as well?
Early 40's checking in. I could probably find something casual/short term with very little effort. But I want an actual long term relationship and that has been rough. Because of it I've been single for prob over 5yrs at this point. I've had a few flings here and there but nothing special.
It's alright. It's the cost of having standards and boundaries. Lol
If we lowered our standards we could all be in relationships. Probably wouldn't be very happy and it would more than likely be toxic.
I'm single but considering all things. I'm somewhat happy and okay with it.
Has anyone been successful in changing or dating outside their usual “type,” and is it worth trying? For me it’s not a conscious decision but the people I have ended up in relationships with have coincidentally been from a similar cultural group (different from my own) and creative types. Since my last relationship ended I have made an effort to expand to people who don’t fit that type and so far I’ve just been bored/feel no chemistry with them. But I don’t want to prematurely limit my possibilities.
My boyfriend is not my usual type in style or interests but he’s been wonderful and everything I’ve been missing in previous relationships. It was a slow burn over a few months of dating but I’m very happy.
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So 3 dates in 3 days.
First one was good, talked for a bit and we have some stuff in common, but we both had a friendship vibe.
Second one almost didn't happen cause the night before she wanted to do my birth chart? and was really into astrology/numerology and like, thats just not my thing, but we went out. She was nice, smart, successful. But a little rude? Like I made a comment about moving to a big city and how i've tried to not be a small-town type person but maybe I am a little more than I previously thought, and she was like yeah I get that small town vibe from you. She's also in a say yes to everything, go on 3 week international vacations phase and thats not me.
Third one, she's about 7yrs older than me, but she is the one I'm definitely more keen on. We talked the whole time (2 1/2hrs-ish), and it was pretty easy and lively. We seem similar in temperament and hobbies. It ended well I think? I walked her to her car, got a kiss on the cheek, and I said I'd like to see her again and she agreed, so fingers crossed!
Now for my 4th date on monday night, today is a relax on the couch day though
Had been speaking to a guy for two months, tried to meet up multiple times but got cancelled a lot (some valid reasons; relative in hospital, some valid but weak reasons; I'm tired). Got frustrated with it all so stopped chatting with him New Year Day. Can't stop thinking about him, which is making me feel even worse.
Had a wonderful first date last night. We spent a lot of time together and went for a walk. We had an insane amount in common. She talked about being excited to meet my dog in the future. We made out a lot at the end of the night and talked about wanting to progress it further in the future.
This morning I got the rejection text and am feeling really confused. She told me she only saw something short term with me and didn't want to waste my time as I was honest about wanting to find a lasting relationship.
This was my last date before deciding to take a break for a while and it's definitely confirming I need a break.
What is considered normal frequency for text communication between dates if you have both said you’re interested in each other and want to pursue getting to know each other? We have another date set at the end of the week and I want to text him all day, but I’m holding back because we’ve agreed not to rush anything. How do I do cool and calm when I want to text him every hour?
I always tell my friends (and myself lol) two things when super interested in a person and between early dates. Don't text for the sake of it, you'll end up sending "how are yous" back and forth. Wait until you have something interesting or valuable to say. The other is if you text TOO much early on, you won't have as much to say on those dates. Hold on to that funny story and share it in person!
I like to text with purpose and intent, so texting every hour seems tiring. Put your phone down and focus on something else- watch a movie, clean, exercise, etc. The relationship sounds new, so take it slow!
I am not texting every hour, because even excitement can be overbearing. I’m just making the point that I can’t follow my instinct because it’s a little crazy. What is normal though? Is it reasonable to reach out daily? We are texting back and forth, but he answers immediately and if I matched that, we wouldn’t stop talking or the onus would be on him to stop it and I don’t want him to have to do all the work of brakes.
I know the advice is not let it bother you, it's just the nature of apps, just roll with it; BUT whenever you match with someone, and THEY send YOU the first message, you get a twinge of excitement and message them back (They're verified! It'll be fine!). Except you get to the end of the day and they haven't responded, then they've gone and unmatched you. Holy shit does this ever drive me up the wall. (Granted, I do a have date booked in for this week with someone and still arranging something with someone else, but come on man!)
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Weird... this would definitely turn me off. I'm fine with an initial FaceTime, but the repeat request is odd. Did she forget you already did it?? Haha. What did you tell her?
Some people are just on the apps to pass time and/or entertain themselves. They have zero intention of ever meeting. I would have blocked her after the first escapade.
Yeah I wouldn't be down for multiple facetimes either. I would tell her you're not interested unless she's ready to meet in person. This isn't normal dating app behavior, so she may be hiding something (an existing relationship, or trying to scam you) and you definitely don't need to waste more time if that's the case.
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> Also I don’t know if something’s wrong with me, but I genuinely enjoy spending time with people and there’s very few people I meet that I wouldn’t go on a second date with. I envy you. I have the opposite problem. Enjoy who you are.
I'm sorry for the frustration. I have a hard time with how to take the friend vibes feedback. Like, if people really understood how much love and admiration I have for my friends, friend vibes would not be a death sentence on dates.
>Also I don’t know if something’s wrong with me, but I genuinely enjoy spending time with people and there’s very few people I meet that I wouldn’t go on a second date with. Same actually, very few. Unless *he* doesn't want a second date lmao
Trying to take things slow with this guy I have been talking to for a few weeks and just went on a date with last night. Basically feel like we have already been going slow due to us both traveling for the holidays and not being able to meet for 2 weeks. We had an awesome first date last night and I genuinely felt a great connection. We ended up coming back to my place to drink wine & listen to music, and at the end of the night, made out a bit but nothing else, which I was perfectly fine with! It was definitely hot and heavy and there is undeniable chemistry between us. Earlier today he asked when he would see me next, so I asked if he was free Friday. It was through text so I can’t tell for sure but it seemed like he got kind of miffed at that. He asked “so you’re really going to make me wait all week to see you?” I get it that we had a great time and built up a lot of anticipation by not being able to meet for a while, but I don’t want to rush into anything like I did with the last guy. I know the last guy was a rebound of sorts for me and I don’t have any interest in duplicating what we had with this guy. I actually like him and despite us both not wanting a committed relationship right now, I can see it being something more than casual if that makes sense. Anyway, not sure if I should interpret it as a red flag or if he was even being serious since he jokes around a lot and is always sarcastic. On one hand, it is nice to feel that he is eager to see me again but I know what happens when you see them too much in the beginning and I’m trying to keep it at a slow yet realistic pace. I’m not free the rest of the week til Friday so tomorrow really is the only day I can see him. Maybe I’m over-thinking and should just go with it. I ended up saying I am free tomorrow instead because I do truly want to see him but now I feel like I’m sabotaging myself but going against wanting to take it slow.
I would read that as more flirty than crabby!
Seconding this; imo definitely flirting!
Ok, thanks. I want to be firm in my boundaries but then I feel like I’m almost playing games by denying that I want to see him sooner. I am telling myself it’s okay because I won’t be able to see him a few days after tomorrow anyway. Ideally, I would have said midweek but my schedule didn’t allow it.
My boyfriend of 5 months asked me to start spending more time with him when he had his girls (6&7) me and my 3 year old son have hung out with them maybe 4 times and I’ve hung out just me with them maybe 3 times. I went over for a movie last night and stayed past their bedtime. His youngest came out after saying goodnight and asked me for a hug. I was so surprised and said yes. Apparently they asked if I was sleeping over but I want to work up to that so I didn’t. They asked me and my son to come over today so we went over to play and for dinner. All the kids get along so well and just love each other which is awesome. We went to leave and the youngest came down with dad to say bye, my son ran back in to hug her. Then we turn to leave and she asks me for a hug again. It warmed my heart. The biggest reason I was touched is because I work with the girls mom and she kept telling me she was worried her youngest would be too much for me. She always says she’s the difficult one, the one that always has issues (only likes certain clothes because of the feel, has bad dreams, disagrees etc) to me they all sound like fairly normal kid things. After I hung out with the girls the first 2 times their mom said to me “ did L give you trouble, she can be a bit cold at first compared to G” nope she was sweet, they both were. “Oh really” My boyfriends last 2 girlfriends apparently would get irritated with the youngest as well. One used to get jealous his girls always came first. The last one straight up called her a “see you next Tuesday “ right in front of her to their dad and would yell at her for wanting attention after not seeing her for a week distracting girlfriend from her games. I’ve had nothing but warmth from her and she’s constantly asking about me/me and my son coming over and wanted us to stay longer. I’ve always had patience easy, my younger brother was supposedly “a lot” growing up but I was always his protector and my dad would compliment me on how I was with him. I’m sure she has her hard moments because all kids do but it makes me happy to have a connection with her
This is a big win and so heartwarming!! Sounds like you are doing all the right things to be good to these kids; children can have such good radar to sense compassion from people who truly care.
I feel like I need a second therapist to help me recover from the trauma of therapy
I needed this once. One therapist I had was so mentally unstable themselves it really fucked up my head. I found a Psychologist and the healing began. I will never deal with another "Therapist" again, only an actual Doctor. That was not the first bad experience I had with a "Therapist".
Every therapist I've seen was also a psychologist
That isn't very common these days.
A psychologist still a therapist. Just as are many other professions. Your one bad experience doesn’t define all people in other professions, and many people are equally wounded by psychologists as they are other fields. Stop perpetuating stigma based on one “experience”
Better reread what I wrote instead of just skimming it. You'll realize it was far more than just "one" bad experience once you do.
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Yeah I'm on the search for a new therapist
I was told that she wants to be friends and doesn’t have romantic feelings. I’m ok with that, I can’t change her feelings, but it sucks that she literally told me I’m handsome, husband material and basically perfect. She hates that she doesn’t have romantic feelings for me. She is the first person since my divorce that I actually could see a future with. This one just hits different. Should I cut contact and try to forget her or try and stay friends?
This is a hard and disappointing situation, I'm sorry. Perhaps there is a friendship somewhere down the line, but I suspect it might be quite hard to tell at the moment -- it sounds like you have strong romantic feelings, and unfortunately those don't just disappear overnight and transform directly into platonic ones. Perhaps a period of limited or no contact while you work on moving on is in order? Then, once you've acknowledged and fully accepted that you and this person are not meant to be together romantically, you may be able to actually learn to see her in a purely platonic light (if the friendship is really worth pursuing!). Also, even though she's the first person you could see a future with, she won't be the last -- the person you can really see a future with will be someone who shares your depth of feelings and *also* has the qualities you are searching for in a partner. So that person is worth finding :)
You are probably right. It’s just a tough pill to swallow. And she is someone that I would definitely be friends with in a different situation too. I just don’t know if I go no contact to heal up that a friendship survives. But I know that I’m hung up and it will be a long time before I can completely move on if I stay in touch right now.
Absolutely, that's a super hard situation for sure. :( Feeling hung up and disappointed is so natural and normal. Being patient to process it all is always helpful, knowing and trusting that you can absolutely move on with time. There is a world beyond how much it hurts now. And regarding the friendship, even if there's a period of limited contact, "if it is right, it happens -- the main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away." And from the same source... "Sometimes it happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another -- but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good." Sending you strength, take good care of yourself!
I'm officially in a relationship after 16 years being single. Yes, I meant 16 years. It's with an "ex" who technically wasn't one because he didn't want to commit when we dated. We reconnected recently and decided to try again, officially. I have no idea if this thing will work out. At this point I'd so resigned myself to creating a single life that is fantastic, that I'm not afraid of being alone. This man isn't perfect, and there are things I'm unsure of. But I'm glad to have the chance to use my 'romantic' skills and to see how can I grow positively from this experience.
Why were you single for 16 years? Just curious
I'm not entirely sure. But factors that might have played a part: - I moved countries 3ce - For about 11 years of that period I was really stressed and on work or student visas in the US. I probably wasn't in a good place mentally despite trying to find someone. - I used online dating off and on for about 9 of those years. The apps got worse and worse. 😔 I went on at least 100 dates over the years. I just couldn't find a good match. - I just couldn't date casually. I grew up in a culture where you date to marry. So my criteria was more stringent than the typical westerner, from what I've seen.. Funny enough I've chilled out as I aged. The advantage is I never had a truly bad experience. Never dealt with a narcissist, abuse, etc. - I've gotten better looking with age. Take better care of my skin, have decent style etc. That stands out more when you're 40 than when you're 27. - I think men in their late 30s to late 40s are more appreciative of the qualities I have? Things like being financially prudent, common sense, communicating gently, not sweating the small stuff, etc.. I had some of those qualities in my 20s - mid 30s, but I don't feel that the men I was interested in prioritized those.
Is it normal to go on dates with multiple people? Do you need to disclose that you are still dating other people? What date do you need to disclose that? (For non hook up dates)
Yeah pretty normal, especially if you’re dating in a large US city - dating culture varies a lot depending on location. You don’t need to disclose until you feel you need to and/or one person asks/initiates a conversation. It may also be part of a conversation around sexual health.
Ok. Guess my small city in Montana isn’t big enough for this then… turns out two of the people I was dating (2 dates each) know each other and found out. I felt guilty that I hadn’t told them I was dating other people too but I didn’t tell them cause I thought it was assumed (especially with no sex involved). Thanks for confirming that I don’t have to feel guilty… just awkward haha.
i cannot get over this breakup. i knew there's a home game today because i had to delete it off my calendar. * he went with the friend/coworker/employee 'who's happy that he's happy' when i asked. friend doesn't like me, right? * he was so pleased that 'no one in his life knows about me' * he's calm, collected, calculating. he misremembered a detail that he adamantly denies. it was my reaction that made him question my thinking process?! * he couldnt finish college but succeeded in small business. i got a terminal degree with the pay and student loans; its much harder for me to put time/effort into my startup. * i worked past few weekends for the easy holiday pay (double-time) which means that i've been nonstop for weeks now. he has some past trauma because somehow i'm not hardworking enough. i'm incredibly blessed to have had cathartic activities setup all weekend. i felt a brief moment of calm at the end of yoga/meditation. the dating apps were good to me. tomorrow will be the last day of a winter sport that i have attached to him. i'm ready to close this book.
Forgive me if I'm not remembering correctly, but didn't the breakup just happen like a week ago? I don't know why you would expect to be over it by now. I know it's not fun to be in that phase when you're still processing and hurting, but it takes as long as it takes. Give yourself time to get through it.
Got dumped today. They didn’t give a specific reason, just that they didn’t see a future together. Feeling so deflated and emotionally exhausted. Wondering when I’ll meet my person, or if I ever will 😔
I’m sorry 😕
Sending a big hug. Try to keep the faith! I wonder the same thing as you quite often. Just remember that if you want to find your person, it will feel so much better when you find one who really wants that future with you too -- so much better and more fulfilling than the current pain and exhaustion, and so much better than being with someone who isn't able to invest in you. So for now, be patient and let yourself grieve the situation, but work as best you can toward embracing being free of the wrong person, and therefore available to meet someone more compatible -- they are out there somewhere.
Thank you for taking the time to respond and send support to a stranger. That is so thoughtful and it made my day :)
Of course! Take good care of yourself ❤️
So how do you prepare yourself psychologically for having unwanted sex? I know, people will say you shouldn't have unwanted sex. But then they also say that you need to experiment constantly to find what you like. So for example, if I don't like the sensation of oral sex, I need to force myself to have a lot of oral sex until I like it. And how will I know if I like it? I don't know. I can already orgasm from oral, but I still dislike the sensations. Anyway at some point, I'm going to have to bite the bullet and have sex that I don't want. I don't drink unfortunately so I can't rely on alcohol. It just sucks that this is what dating is like in 2023. I don't think I can bring myself to date again The responses are always variations of "oh you just haven't had good oral yet" well sorry but there's no such thing as good oral to me. I don't like the actual sensations of oral sex. I can orgasm from it, but I don't enjoy it. Maybe I should reframe this as a kink so people will accept it instead of gaslighting me
You do *not* have to make yourself learn to like something, especially around sex! Seems like you are either putting your partners desires first or you’re trying to live up to an idea of how you “should” be having sex. Neither of those is right way to go. Honor yourself and your feelings! There is nothing wrong with your preferences or the pace at which you want to be intimate.
I'm putting reddit desires first, in theory. In practice, I'm DONE with this bullshit dating stuff. I'm sick of having to follow conflicting advice all the time and then having unwanted sex with guys because I'm supposed to
Yeah, I have to take a break from here every once and a while. The chatter is a lot sometimes. Guess that goes to show how there are no actual rules and they you should just do you.
Except there are rules. One time I actually found a guy who was sexually compatible, but I had to end things because "he doesn't want you enough" according to my previous therapist. So then I learned the rule that you're supposed to have sex more than once a week. We were compatible overall as well and it sucked that we didn't fit the rules. The relationship had a lot of potential
Hey. I’ve been reading a few of ur replies and a few things I have learnt. 1. Therapists sound like they are doing u more harm then good. 2. I would be interested in chatting with u to get some insight into a “non sexual” mind. ( I’m not trying to insult. Just don’t know what term to use) 3. Ur displaying the same characteristics as my ex wife but at the same time not. Hence my curiosity
>2\. I would be interested in chatting with u to get some insight into a “non sexual” mind. ( I’m not trying to insult. Just don’t know what term to use) That's extremely insulting. Blocked!
There are NO rules. Your therapist sounds wack. Stop taking peoples opinions as direction for what you need to do with your life. You don’t “have” to do anything. I hope you’re able to learn how to trust that what you want for yourself is the right path.
>There are NO rules. Your therapist sounds wack. Stop taking peoples opinions as direction for what you need to do with your life. You don’t “have” to do anything. I hope you’re able to learn how to trust that what you want for yourself is the right path. What I want isn't the right path lmao. If I stuck to what I wanted, I wouldn't have realized I was supposed to have sex at all, and I would've never kissed anyone. I'm so stupid that I was humping furniture for years not realizing that the urges were sexual in nature. And I was in my early 20s then. It's better if others can tell me what to do and when to do it.
Might you be on the asexual or demisexual spectrum? Some people aren’t sexually attracted to other people, or they might take longer and require an emotional connection to become sexually attracted to them. People like this might still get sexual urges and might even masturbate, but the urges are not directed at another person. That’s completely okay. There are asexual and demisexual men out there too, and people who might be interested in having a non-sexual or less-sexual relationship, or doing things like mutual masturbation where you could get yourself off in the way that pleases you, while avoiding sensations and experiences you don’t enjoy. There is no “supposed to” or “right way” when it comes to sex. You carve your own path.
>Might you be on the asexual or demisexual spectrum? I looked into it a while back, and I found that these are very controversial orientations with little scientific consensus. I'm not going to subject myself to a label that has virtually no scientific backing. So no. >Some people aren’t sexually attracted to other people, I'm definitely sexually attracted to other people. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to orgasm from sex virtually every time I've had sex. >There are asexual and demisexual men out there too, and people who might be interested in having a non-sexual or less-sexual relationship Okay, but *I* am looking for a sexual relationship, not a friendship. This isn't friendshipoverthirty. Sex is a part of dating and relationships. It's not healthy to hide behind labels anyways.
>I'm not going to subject myself to a label that has virtually no scientific backing They are descriptive, not prescriptive terms. Its not like a diagnosis you give yourself. Its like describing your eye color as blue, when in reality there are hundreds of nuanced colors in there that looking at the whole present as "blue"
>I looked into it a while back, and I found that these are very controversial orientations with little scientific consensus. I'm not going to subject myself to a label that has virtually no scientific backing. So no. But you are going to subject yourself to intentional trauma? I think that's more damaging than a label. Please be kind to yourself! Sex is not an essential part of everyone's romantic relationship. There are people who want a romantic relationship but are not interested/less interested in sex. It's fine if you want to have sex, but it sounds like you really don't enjoy it (to the point you would rather be unconscious while a man has his way with you, to the point of disassociating), so please don't force yourself to do things you don't enjoy.
I don’t like oral sex performed on me, so I don’t have it done on me. Like what am I supposed to be doing all up here by myself lol. Always feels awkward to me. You don’t have to like every type of sex and that’s okay. You find stuff that you and your partner are into and have fun. There are so many different sexual things there is no need to force yourself to enjoy something you just don’t.
I don't like the actual sensation of oral sex. I can orgasm from oral sex but I don't actually enjoy it. No one believes this is possible. They just want me to keep trying until I learn to like it.
It sounds like you’ve given it the good ole college try. It’s not like magically at time 100 it’s going to be super different. Maybe you’ll find a guy that is slightly better, but even still it doesn’t sound like that’s the problem for you. I wouldn’t keep engaging in things that you’re not comfortable with.
I think I can dissociate and get through it 100 more times. Pile on the trauma!
Treat yourself better than that. Guys who cared about me didn’t care about not giving me oral. If someone is pushing you into something you don’t enjoy, you don’t want to be around those people anyways.
>Treat yourself better than that. Guys who cared about me didn’t care about not giving me oral. If someone is pushing you into something you don’t enjoy, you don’t want to be around those people anyways. It's my friends and redditors that are pushing me, not partners. I just want to meet social norms about sexual experimentation, I don't care about being happy
Your mindset is exactly opposite. You need to care more about your own happiness than what other people think. Redditors, especially on other subs, are not known for giving the best advice. We’re old enough now that we need to own who we are and not be afraid to admit it or care what other people think for being it. I hope you get to that point!
If I cared about my own happiness, I would never have started dating lol
Do not do this. If you don't want to do it, then don't. There's no rule that you need to "force" yourself to do stuff. When people say "experiment", they mean in a fun, exploratory way. If you're curious and want to try it? Cool. If it repulses you and makes you physically uncomfortable? DO NOT DO IT.
I don't like the actual sensation of oral sex. I can orgasm from oral sex but I don't actually enjoy it. No one believes this is possible. They just want me to keep trying until I learn to like it. I wish there was some medication I could take that would allow me to pass out for a short time
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But also I'm supposed to keep experimenting and trying oral with 100 different partners until I like it. So which is it? Am I allowed to refuse things I don't enjoy, or am I obligated to try to enjoy them?
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It's funny because my previous therapist said "If you told me you didn't like chocolate ice cream, I'd tell you to try every brand out there before deciding on that." It's a different mindset
Not every therapist is good at their job. It kind of seems like you are looking to have people here agree with them and say that you should keep with the oral until you like it. If your friend was saying that they don’t like some other sex act, would you think it would be appropriate to suggest to have them keep trying it until they like it?
>Not every therapist is good at their job. > >It kind of seems like you are looking to have people here agree with them and say that you should keep with the oral until you like it. That's usually the response I get, actually. >If your friend was saying that they don’t like some other sex act, would you think it would be appropriate to suggest to have them keep trying it until they like it? No, but that's because I'm not sex-positive, according to said therapist. A sex-positive person would say yes, they should keep trying
Back to my original point, your old therapist is an idiot and also doesn’t know what sex positive means.
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I kind of agree with you, but I also don't really care about my health and mental health anymore, so I might as well see how much unwanted sex I can have before I become too traumatized to continue
That sounds incredibly unhealthy. I really hope you can find someone to talk to that shows you your feelings matter and should be respected
The fact that you're orgasming is irrelevant. It's an extreme example, but people orgasm while being sexually assaulted and that doesn't make it consensual. >They just want me to keep trying until I learn to like it. Selfish assholes will say this about any sex act, especially selfish assholes who watch too much porn. If they're pushing you to have sex you know you don't enjoy or want, the solution is to dump them, not to comply.
>The fact that you're orgasming is irrelevant. I mentioned that to preempt the usual reddit rebuttal of "oh you just haven't had good oral yet"
>>They just want me to keep trying until I learn to like it. > >Selfish assholes will say this about any sex act, especially selfish assholes who watch too much porn. > >If they're pushing you to have sex you know you don't enjoy or want, the solution is to dump them, not to comply. It's my friends and people on Reddit who say this, not partners
Dont listen to other people and don’t let them tell you what to do. Just listen to you and your body and trust yourself. Every human body is different!
>Dont listen to other people and don’t let them tell you what to do. If I did this, I would never have had sex at all lmao
how do you prefer feedback for a breakup? i think it might have been kinder for him to cite things that i cannot change instead of revealing that i cannot communicate who i am and where i'm going. i'm miserable recounting events in my head and how things could have been different.
If we actually dated, I don't mind getting more detailed feedback.
If you're happy with who you are, then feedback is unnecessary.
i keep replaying events in my head. like what if i hadnt pushed for dates when he was busy? i stifled myself because he was so tired. he recalls these moments as 'not a strong connection'
Question guys. What's your go-to response when a date asks how Tinder/Bumble/Hinge is going for you? How much are you willing to share? I typically tell them that they're here so the app works or that I've been on a few dates. I never specify how many or which turned into relationships. I really don't like being asked this question because I feel like no matter what answer I give, they'll judge me for it.
I feel like I get asked this a lot if we make it to a first date. I don't feel like I'm being judged, but I also feel it's not the time for a super full discussing of all the outcomes of OLD for me, lol. I usually just say, pretty good, some weird moments.
I would usually just keep it generic and tell them that it’s going well for me and I’ve met some interesting people.
I don’t think I’ve ever been asked. It’s a bit of a faux pas IMO. If asked I think I’d just say something like “well, still single” and just laugh it off
Was supposed to go on a first date on Friday. When the evening rolled around and I checked in with him to confirm, he acted he didn’t know it was actually happening. Okay, fair, we didn’t finalize the details of the date (I was expecting him to reach out to make that happen in the days leading up). Reschedule for Sunday. Pick a bar to meet. Lovely. Now it’s Sunday and I send a text to confirm the time we’re going to meet up. It’s been an hour and a half and no response. I guess I’m getting ghosted. I’m not even sad/hurt about it, I’m just annoyed. He pushed for moving to text right away, his profile had several lines about wanting a serious relationship - but just getting vibes of insecurity. On a positive note, I got a match on Hinge that I’m excited about. I sent him a like earlier this week and was really hoping we would match. Now it’s time to hope that he will engage in conversation. 🙃
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He probably reads this. It has been one month and five days since I told him that I don't want to talk to him anymore. I am feeling better now 😅 maybe I will be ready to date again in the next few months.
I'm a 38M and have been dating a woman (34F) for about 1month. It seems to be going well generally speaking, but she's very non-committal when it comes to making plans. She hasn't canceled on anything yet, but she doesn't ever really confirm until like day of and just apologizes a lot via text a lot leading up. We also live somewhat far from each other and it's unlikely we'll just bump into each other without planning. We spent a bunch of time together this weekend, but now don't have any plans coming up. I want to see her and I told her, but she was vague about her availability this week. I don't really know whether or not to make any further plans with her. Should I just back off for a while? I like her a lot and she tells me she likes me too, but we don't seem to be on the same page about organizing activities together.
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Yeah, this doesn’t sound good. Sounds like she’s possibly fading away and the relationship may be falling apart. I hope that’s not the case, but the lack of communication and the lack of initiating rescheduling seem concerning.
You’ve been seeing each other once every 2 weeks for a year and a half? Or has it gone down recently?
Tips for not taking rejection so personally or obsessing over what happened? Especially when the other person doesn’t ever say anything direct to reject you (not talking about ghosting, I would accept that as a response lol).
In terms of short-term break ups, it has always helped me to think that I’m just not their cup of tea and that they prefer something else. This doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me or that I’m critically flawed, just that we were mismatched and it would be best to find someone who is a better fit. Long-term break ups from relationships that span years is a different story. Usually journaling, talking with friends/family, counseling, and hobbies have helped me cope and not ruminate on things.
It helps me to think about it as something that saves each of us time in the long-run. Like when I'm rejected, I feel better thinking like "at least we found out we're not good for each other now and not in 6 months"
It's difficult to make peace with rejection, but I think the foundation of that is to remember that it's not a question of "can I convince this person I am right for them," the question is "are we right for each other?" "I'm into people who are head-over-heels for me, and I'm not into people who don't like me for who I am." That's the mindset I try to cultivate. There will always be a visceral sting, but... that helps to blunt it, to some degree.
If you know you're not going to be available to go out on dates the next few weeks, do you generally also take some time off OLD apps? Currently not chatting to anyone (restarted the apps this weekend), and got hit with personal stuff that will see me extremely time-poor for the next 2 weeks, I don't want to start up any conversations knowing full well it's unlikely I can do anything for that time, part of me also suspects this is my own self sabotaging nature giving me a reason to avoid getting back into the dating pool again.
Yeah, I avoid starting any new convos or swiping unless I know my upcoming week (or the following one) has enough free time to support dates.
Yeah I only swipe if I have time to meet up in the immediate future
It sort of embarrasses me (37f) how little I’ve dated, how few dates, sparse interactions with men I’ve had at my age. I’m understanding why now but a lot of it is very hard to understand still why I’m quite like this.
What in your life has caused this lack of experience?
Gosh I guess all I can blame is me? The energy I project outwards.
Well I hope you can find a way to be kind to yourself - everyone’s path is different and there’s nothing wrong with someone just because they haven’t been successful in romantic relationships.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
He said I love you and I froze. We've been talking for 4 months and this feels too soon. Eventually the moment passed and we did not speak about it.
If you like the guy and feel like you may get there with time, I would tell him. Otherwise, I would leave things where they are.
Timeframes don’t matter (for the most part), it just depends on how you feel. Doesn’t seem like you liked it lol
Talking? Have you gone on dates?
I guess? We go out together... dinners, shows, and even trips. I don't consider us "officially" dating for many reasons. To me that is an exclusive relationship and we are not there. We have not DTR because I'm not ready.
There's a lot of BS advice out there that women should date many, many men so that they sense competition and 'compete' for you - or that men love competition and therefore its important to make them compete for you. No. This only makes you addicted to male attention. My fresh, clean, clear, non-manipulative mindset is this - Make sure your alone is so damn juicy and so damn good that the only 'competition' a man has is with your alone time. If being with him isn't better or equal to your alone, then he better try harder or just go away. This probably applies to men dating women too. And non-binary.
don't you think its strange when you meet their 'friends' and its basically everyone who works together? or for them?
Were they like, their *only* friends-friends, or “this is a group of people I got close to at work and now we hang out?” Because I have the latter and it’s not strange, it’s just one of my social circles.
the man has since dumped me, but its an interesting subject to explore. their workday, their payrate, their everything relies a lot on him. at one point, he said 'hey, i saved you from \[crappy retail corporation\]. navigating his relationship with them would have been difficult
it was people who works for him + their partners
Not really. When I worked with a lot of people in my peer group, I spent a lot of time becoming friends with them outside of work.
No. I think they’re lucky. I meet zero coworkers working from home and traveling. I’m all of my friends non work friend. Nurses are friends with nurses. Cops with cops. City peeps with city peeps. Geologist with geologist. And then there’s me. That’s my friend make up.
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It's sad to have friends?
Been with my new boyfriend for going on a month and a half. I’m realizing relationships cause anxiety and depression for me. I am not sure how to keep having stuff to talk about. This is really getting to me and why I don’t really bother with any form of relationships. I just run out of things to say. I know I’m a boring person that lives in my head. My eating disorder has gotten worse because now I have someone touching me. I can’t do my normal routine when I spend time with him and my body desperately needs a very specific routine to function (I’ve fucked up my body due to having an eating disorder for so long. Laxatives-never take them). I think I’m overthinking and obsessing over everything now because I genuinely like him and I don’t want to get hurt. I feel ready to just end things and block him because of this. But then I know I would regret it. I’m in therapy. Been in therapy off and on for years. I’m better in some ways, but much worse in others. I don’t know what to fucking do with myself.
Taking care of yourself is so paramount. I really like the advice you've gotten already about opening up and communicating this with your boyfriend -- if he is a kind and decent person, he will seriously care about your well-being, and that's the only kind of person you want to be dating! -- and to focus on your health above all. I also wonder if you could try to ponder the thought... have you considered that the 'person who lives in your head' might actually be quite fascinating to someone else, and not really boring at all? (Also remember, it's totally okay to not know what to talk about all the time, especially as you ease into a more comfortable period of getting to know someone.) It seems likely you're a lot more interesting than you give yourself credit for -- we humans are truly terrible objective judges of ourselves. It can be a worthwhile experiment to just try to figure out what those aspects of yourself might be, even starting with the smallest possible thing, because sometimes you just have to try believing it without 'evidence' to learn those things about yourself! I hope you feel better soon! It sounds like you're doing the hard work. Progress is never linear (often two steps forward, one step back) so taking a moment to appreciate where you've bettered yourself and continuing to work toward caring for yourself is something you can absolutely continue to do ❤️
Hello, thank you for your thoughtful response. I’m very open and honest with my thoughts and feelings with him. He’s been very kind and supportive. I just don’t like burdening someone with that and he shouldn’t have to deal with it. Especially so early on. Right now, it’s supposed to be the fun part of a relationship. It has been, but I’m ruining it. I don’t think the person in my head is very fascinating, no. It’s riddled with self hatred (which he used those words, not me. Very perceptive). I struggle with staying interested in anything and that causes me to just lay at home doing nothing because I can’t focus. Which in turn gives me even less to talk about. I see what you’re saying and I can try to see those things… I’ve never been able to see them before or I feel it’s just not enough. Idk. I’m just ready to finally be ok, but I’m not sure I ever will be. Just have to keep trying. Thank you again.
Maybe open up to your boyfriend and tell him how you’re doing, that you’re finding being in a relationship more challenging than you’d expected. If you can tell him how he can help or reassure you of his feelings, maybe it’ll help ease some of the anxiety you have about not being interesting/some of the insecurity about your body. Sorry your relationship is triggering you, but your mental health should always come first if need be.
Thank you for your reply. I am very open and communicative about this. It’s just, I know it gets old hearing about it. He’s very supportive and does what he can. But, he shouldn’t have to. It’s on me to take care of me and my issues. I’m 36 and never been mentally ok and not sure I ever will be. I keep trying though… I just feel horrible now allowing myself to be in a relationship and bringing him into my world.
Just keep trying! Part of being in a relationship is depending on someone else, not for everything but finding a good balance. Don't beat yourself up when you're already down. There's nothing horrible about trying to find love. Treat yourself with kindness and be compassion. You're doing your best and figuring it out.
Thank you for your kind words. I’ve never allowed myself to depend on anyone before. This is hard.
It's difficult but worth it. You can do this!
Give yourself a break. Work on your health and the rest will follow no matter what it ends up looking like. Hope you’re feeling better💕
I have been working on myself for a very long time. It just feels like I’m never going to be ok and I’m feeling immense guilt bringing someone into my world. Thank you for your kind words.
My experience with guilt is that it keeps me trapped and stops me from dealing with my own problems in any kind of constructive way. It’s easier said than done, but if you can be nice to yourself and just know no matter how much you beat yourself up, it won’t change your present, then you give yourself a chance to move forward. That’s just my experience, if it helps at all.
The Podcaster is no more! He blew me off last night when he knew I’d had a shitty day, I got frustrated and called him out on it, basically saying that I understood his reasoning but was still disappointed that he’d basically made me his third option. I have ADHD and with that comes rejection sensitivity, which definitely happened last night and I let him know, but my reaction was also…not that extreme. It really wasn’t — I said I was bummed, laid out exactly why I reacted a little more strongly than I would’ve otherwise, and went to bed. I figured we’d talk about it, but he texted me this morning to let me know he was done because “it’s casual, you’re not my priority and I shouldn’t be yours” (pulled a muscle with that reach, truly — I’d been very clear this whole time that I’m not gonna date someone fresh out of an LTR). Blocked me immediately after texting me and unmatched on Hinge too. The worst part? I had friends over for brunch this morning (which he knew) and he timed it so that I’d get it right as people were trickling in. He’s been so intense for a casual thing that I’d been waiting for the freak out, but I really wasn’t expecting it so soon, yikes. Had two mimosas and deleted Hinge. I’m done for now, this is ridiculous.
Broke up with the person I've been seeing for a few months yesterday. It wasnt going to work, but I am still very very bummed out. We had a lot in common that I don't share with friends, so I will miss having someone to do those activities with more than anything. Probably time to take a break from dating.
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He’s not giving you mixed signals. He hasn’t texted you. When you guys ran into each other he didn’t say anything about keeping in touch or seeing you again. You had a fun flirty night, you made a new connection in your group, and that’s it.
Yeah, you’re probably right. I guess I’ve never experienced a “just flirty” night before so I was a bit thrown. I don’t want to fall into the same self fulfilling prophecy of working myself up only to be disappointed. Onwards I go.
Yes, if he wants to, he will.
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If you’re looking for a relationship tell him. Have a talk about it, see if he’s ready and willing to step up. The behavior you’re describing isn’t great. If he gives you any excuses about not being ready or whatever let home go and move on, three months is plenty of time, otherwise he will continue to waste your time.
If you really like him it seems like you’re going to have to take the lead and ‘train’ him how to be in a relationship due to his pretty extreme lack of experiences. If that’s something you’re comfortable taking on, it will probably include explaining how you want to be treated by a partner outside the bedroom (initiating plans, prompt communication, being prioritized etc) and inside the bedroom.
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Dropped OLD right before the holidays as I was feeling drained after 7 months of disappointment. I do want to date, but know from past experience joining things in my city isn't a thing eligible men do...so OLD is the only option. I just wish all the offerings weren't the same bag of crap.
1. Went on the third date with someone - he checks off everything but I’m not attracted to him. Idk what to do 2. The day after this date I got a text from the guy I was in a situation ship with on and off for 10 months. He messaged me to ask me a question after 4 months of no contact. Just days ago on 1st Jan I was crying a bunch over him cos he didn’t wish me for the new year and I felt worthless as always. That spiral lasted a few days. I responded to his question in defail and then gave monosyllable responses to him checking on me. Pretty sure this is him just seeing if I’ve moved on
Could No. 1 be because you’ve not moved on from no. 2? Easier to say when it’s not you but delete the conversation and remove any contact. That way if they reach out again, your reply can be ‘who is this’. It will either give off the impression you have moved on and to leave you alone, or perhaps spark some effort if they are remotely looking to rekindle (and make them work for it!).
1. I’m not physically attracted to him, I should’ve been more clear… 2. I’m gonna delete his number and chat now. I just asked him about his family and they’re ok. But my friends say it’s evident he has no feelings for me.. I don’t think he would care either way if I said “who is this” if he ever messaged again
Date 4 was on Friday. By the end of the weekend we're on 'date' 7 at least and it's going to be a long week until number 8. Had a few long pillow talks - I think we're on the same page about a lot of key stuff and this feels really good! ☺
Friend swore the girl he is dating was giving the slow fade. I reassured him that we as women need some time to ourselves. This weekend they are spending it doing outdoor stuff. Didn’t tell him “I told you so”, but I told him he needs to get out of his own head. And the co-worker who asked me out a couple weeks ago has gone silent. Maybe he’s on here and read my rant. Or he lost interest. Either way, it’s a sigh of relief on my end. I don’t dislike him, but I’m not interested in him romantically. Add to the equation that I just don’t want to date right now. Now to my fitness! Nothing like a sinus and ear infection to make you want to sleep and avoid humans. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.
I know what you mean. I had a month and a bit off dating from late November. I’m a runner but I also fell over my foot early in to that and haven’t been quite right since. If the weather was nicer I would just go for a walk.
Went on a couple dates with a girl. I think it was going well but there is some awkwardness from both (both of us are pretty open about being inexperienced but she’s being patient). I’m kinda dumb with social cues but she’s really into me. I do like her, but I’m worried she’s way more into me than I’m with her at the moment. We kissed and just sat together. But part of me feels like I might have taken advantage of her if I wasn’t totally feeling the mood…
Let it develop naturally? You don’t actually know what she’s feeling or thinking, you’re assuming. Inexperience in dating can also come out as seemingly being more enthusiastic than you really are, or less.
Tried to rejoin tinder. Forgot I'm Perma banned. Not even sure why. I barely had a conversation with anyone. None of my pics were lewd or fake. But I guess someone decided I violated the TOS. 🤷🏾 Rejoined bumble... Got 1 match and I'm already regretting signing up. Pretty sure he's one of those fellows who swipes right on everyone then filters. How do I know this? The fact he responded with a low effort response and didn't even bother to try and engage. And no I did not send just a "hi!" I did see a guy on there that I briefly dated. I got upset over it. Not that I liked him or anything. But he turned out to be a total con. Wanted casual (after I told him I wasn't looking for that), didn't use his real name, pretty sure he made his money off of scamming people. It didn't last long. but it reminded me how there are more people out there who are willing to be dishonest than be upfront about anything. I give myself a week before I delete the app. My mom is still living with me so me even trying to date is stupid on my part. I have plans for when she moves out though. I plan on learning how to ride a motorcycle which is very exciting. And if possible maybe by myself one. I like the idea of taking road trips and going on mini adventures.
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>he completely brushed me off, made it seem like I was trying to control him, and now has been ignoring me. Don't date someone who does this to you. Any good or redeeming qualities he has is eclipsed by this sort of behavior. He invalidated your legitimate concerns and then proceeded to not speak to you? No thanks. You're not being overly sensitive.
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I think at this point you have to ask yourself why you would want to stay with him. And what’s in it for you. I hate dating too, but I do believe it’s better to be alone than with the wrong person.
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So you’re basically only looking for short term dating?
Oh man, I don’t think you should be exclusive with this guy… he seems questionable
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He’s still new, easier to walk away from now vs later…
Last night I had a dream in which I was spending time with someone and we had a conversation in which we realized we felt the same way about each other. It was so nice to feel that kind of connection, even if it was in a dream. A week or so ago I commented in another post that I was going to forgo OLD this entire year. I've been single for almost three years, mostly due to the pandemic, and the thought of actually connecting with someone seems so unlikely. Dating in my mid/late thirties has been more difficult than I expected. Has anyone else felt this way as well?
Early 40's checking in. I could probably find something casual/short term with very little effort. But I want an actual long term relationship and that has been rough. Because of it I've been single for prob over 5yrs at this point. I've had a few flings here and there but nothing special.
For what it's worth, I'm sorry you've also been having a rough time with trying to find someone.
It's alright. It's the cost of having standards and boundaries. Lol If we lowered our standards we could all be in relationships. Probably wouldn't be very happy and it would more than likely be toxic. I'm single but considering all things. I'm somewhat happy and okay with it.
Yeah, that's the thing - I've been mostly contented with being on my own. I work, have my kiddos, have hobbies, etc.
This describes my dating experience for the last several years as well. 🥲
Has anyone been successful in changing or dating outside their usual “type,” and is it worth trying? For me it’s not a conscious decision but the people I have ended up in relationships with have coincidentally been from a similar cultural group (different from my own) and creative types. Since my last relationship ended I have made an effort to expand to people who don’t fit that type and so far I’ve just been bored/feel no chemistry with them. But I don’t want to prematurely limit my possibilities.
I had the same thought so 2021 was my year of dating outside my type. 2021 was also my year of terrible dates 😅
My boyfriend is not my usual type in style or interests but he’s been wonderful and everything I’ve been missing in previous relationships. It was a slow burn over a few months of dating but I’m very happy.
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So 3 dates in 3 days. First one was good, talked for a bit and we have some stuff in common, but we both had a friendship vibe. Second one almost didn't happen cause the night before she wanted to do my birth chart? and was really into astrology/numerology and like, thats just not my thing, but we went out. She was nice, smart, successful. But a little rude? Like I made a comment about moving to a big city and how i've tried to not be a small-town type person but maybe I am a little more than I previously thought, and she was like yeah I get that small town vibe from you. She's also in a say yes to everything, go on 3 week international vacations phase and thats not me. Third one, she's about 7yrs older than me, but she is the one I'm definitely more keen on. We talked the whole time (2 1/2hrs-ish), and it was pretty easy and lively. We seem similar in temperament and hobbies. It ended well I think? I walked her to her car, got a kiss on the cheek, and I said I'd like to see her again and she agreed, so fingers crossed! Now for my 4th date on monday night, today is a relax on the couch day though
Had been speaking to a guy for two months, tried to meet up multiple times but got cancelled a lot (some valid reasons; relative in hospital, some valid but weak reasons; I'm tired). Got frustrated with it all so stopped chatting with him New Year Day. Can't stop thinking about him, which is making me feel even worse.
Had a wonderful first date last night. We spent a lot of time together and went for a walk. We had an insane amount in common. She talked about being excited to meet my dog in the future. We made out a lot at the end of the night and talked about wanting to progress it further in the future. This morning I got the rejection text and am feeling really confused. She told me she only saw something short term with me and didn't want to waste my time as I was honest about wanting to find a lasting relationship. This was my last date before deciding to take a break for a while and it's definitely confirming I need a break.