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Don't worry about this. This was progress. Keep working. Find another lady you're interested in. You're in the middle of your origin story. Be great!
I need more comments like this. Having a hard time not beating myself up about this…
Absolutely no reason to beat yourself up about anything! Just get back out there and keep on going 😊
Don’t beat your self up, beat your self off 😉
Sending you encouragement and best wishes!
Goddamn your post is a treasure trove of advice on this topic.
And it’s hard to explain what was awkward lol, but ill dm if that’s cool. It’s kinda just the vibe where things weren’t working out properly. Neither of us came also.
Maybe she’s ghosting you bc she’s embarrassed that she couldn’t make you cum
DM me too i had a bad day and could use a fun read
I had the same experience at age 19. I slept with a girl who I wasn't attracted to just because I felt massive pressure to lose my virginity. I performed badly in bed, wasn't able to ejaculate, and she shamed me for it by telling my friends how bad I was at sex afterwards. It didn't have anything to do with age really, I just think some women can become very bitter if they regret hooking up with you. I didn't pursue women for 4 years afterwards because I was scared something like that would happen again and I really regret letting it faze me. You have to just count it as a win and keep going.
Ha sorry you went through that. It would be traumatizing, and she will learn how to control her emotions when she doesnt get her way because no man long term is gonna deal with that shit i can tell you that. Cuming is not the end all be all
Hey man everything and I mean every date and I interaction is a learning experience. I recently had a beautiful girl get extremely forward with me and kiss me at a party
It was so forward it took me by surprise and I didn’t react to her liking. Now she doesn’t talk to me. I’m a 30M btw too
Don’t beat yourself up over it man. There will be more opportunities in the future and if someone isn’t willing to be patient with you, you’ll find someone else.
Stay confident man and keep putting yourself out there. There’s plenty more ladies who want you. You just have to find them :)
This reminds me of "pirates also set sail into the red sea"
(Don't know if I got the grammar right and it might be a little off topic but anyways)
All I gotta say is you aren't alone. I'm your age and as of right now I'm still a virgin.
I have a woman coming over this weekend to watch a movie and talk Saturday night. We've been texting and I think it may lead to sex or kissing at least. I have ZERO experience with either of those topics. Naturally I'm extremely nervous about it.
I feel for you after reading your post and it also worries me that I'll do something really awkward. I'll have no idea what to do or where my hands even go.
Ya know, just don't give up. Seriously, if you found one woman that like you, you'll find another. If I mess up with this woman and she ghosts me because I was awkward in bed, ill go out and find another woman who finds me attractive.
You aren't going to be akward and she isn't going to ghost you. Don't put that negative energy out there. Believe that you will have a wonderful movie night with a nice woman and you will.
Thanks for the encouragement. Im sure itll go fine and she said she's really excited to meet me in person.
I just imagine myself being cringey or awkward without meaning to be. Kinda like you'd be when having your first time as a teenager. I just never got to it as a teen.
Just be honest with her and ask what she likes.
She’s going to know you’re not experienced. It’s better to own it and communicate than it is to just push through.
It can be kinda hot showing someone the ropes.
Thanks for your advice. She already canceled this weekend and hasn't rescheduled yet lol. Better luck next time
Yeah there is absolutely no mercy out there for men who don't perform on demand.
When 3/4 of my long term relationships I always had the feeling in the back of my mind that the reasons they decided to go steady with me was because I was good in bed, and the reason they stayed with me is because I kept putting effort into being good at bed. After years I realized that I never had a chance to be selfish and/or catered to, and that I didn't want to be used anymore. Experiences like the OP's reinforces the notion of the importance of my physical and intimate qualities, and that if I every decide put myself out there again I will likely fall into the same trap.
What trap? Being a good lover is a goos thing, just like being kind, fun, responsible, and all other good qualities in a partner. I would never be in a relationship with someone who was selfish in bed.
Well, think of what some women must go through as they age and partner's attractiveness wanes or you get hurt or sick. You don't always know if the relationship and trust you have formed over years of partnership is enough to over come the desire for a newer younger model. Many people get totally blindsided by their husbands infidelity. Does he want me just for my body? Will he still love me when we are no longer young? Who knows.
The same could be said about if their partner stopped contributing to the finances, or the chores, or stoped wanting to spend time together. Being a good sexual partner is one if many aspects that both parties need to always nurture. If either side gets lazy about any of the big foundational pieces, that is when (and rightfully so) the other side gets dissatisfied.
Thats abusive sorry you have go go through that but her emotional stability is not your responsibility these girls will become woman some day when they learn no emotionally stable person will del with that
This is why I’m so bitter towards my fellow humans and the reason I won’t play no role in any positive climate action as we’re not worth saving as a species. Since we’ve had tech people have changed for the worse they’ve all become heartless ice in their veins.
We need the dirty details of all the awkwardness.
I’ll supply one. She couldn’t make me cum, I couldn’t make myself cum. I said “that’s what I get for jacking off too much”. She said “that’s not at all attractive”. Kinda funny in retrospect but also a bit sad lol.
But really it was kinda just an awkward vibe. Hard to explain concretely.
Dude, probably not the thing to say in the moment.
I’m not gonna lie, comments like this make me feel even worse. I’m just stressing now about how much of a dumbass I was that night. I feel so horrifically embarrassed.
Sorry man, I didn't mean to make you feel that way, but yeah I would refrain from saying that in the future. Be honest, if it's nerves, then say it's nerves.
Fwiw I prolly would’ve chuckled at that comment. I feel super embarrassed/self conscious/unattractive when I can’t make a guy cum so that comment would have made me feel a bit more comfortable and less pressured
But I guess that would still depend on delivery and whether you actually meant it as a light joke lol
And then again I am super awkward with sex and dating (I guess kind of in a similar situation as you). I’m 26 and have been sexually active for a few years but I still feel like I don’t know how to properly sex (I have very bad physical coordination)
I recently talked with my fwb about bed skillz (ofc he said I was amazing out of courtesy) and I mentioned I still don’t know how to properly top/ride/whatever it’s called. To which he responded “not everyone is good on their first try”
We’ve been seeing each other on and off for about 6 years my dude 😂
Maybe not the thing to say (lesson learned), but honestly just from that she comes off super judgmental.
And if that’s the case not surprising you’re feeling how you’re feeling after it. Not everyone is like that. Some people are, but definitely not everyone.
There is definitely room to make jokes during sex. If you can't laugh and have fun then what's the point. I think if the topic is not being able to cum though (because it is such an awakard topic) it might be best to leave the jokes out.
However, her response was quite unkind. No one should feel judged for not being able to cum or for masturbating. The exchange should have looked more like OP: "sorry I'm just really in my own head", Date: "that's OK as long as you're having a good time".
Don't feel bad for the awkward vibes. She clearly wasn't doing anything to help.
I (33F) appear to be in the minority here, but I think you obviously said what you said to play off the awkwardness and lighten the moment. I would have just laughed it off with you. Issues during sex can make anyone feel vulnerable, and it's pretty cruel to kick someone when they're down, so it was not cool on her part to reply that way.
You're in your head and thinking that you're going to be a letdown because you're inexperienced, but that's not necessarily true. There isn't really a way to be universally good or bad at sex because everyone has different styles and preferences, so some people will think you're good and others won't, but that's really less of a reflection of your skill and more of a reflection of their preferences.
For instance, a friend and I once happened to hook up with the same guy on different occasions, and she thought sex with him was good while I thought it was downright awful. So it's really about finding someone you like who you are also sexually compatible with. In fact, one of the least experienced guys I've been with was some of the best sex I've had and went on to become my longest relationship.
Over the years, several guys have said I'm the best sex they've ever had, but honestly, I still feel like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing at times. I was actually the latest bloomer of my friend group and didn't have my first kiss until I was nearly 21, so while I'm pretty experienced now, that wasn't always the case. And even with experience, awkward shit still happens sometimes. The one common thread I've been able to pinpoint is that guys always tell me I make them feel super comfortable—like I'm having fun in the moment and not judging them at all. I think girls would appreciate the same thing from you. The more you get in your head, the more tense and anxious you get, and your partner will be affected by those vibes. So just get in the mindset of, "Fuck yeah! We're about to have sex. This is awesome. Let's have some fun."
Sex is an instinct we're wired to have, so it mostly comes naturally. And if you truly feel clueless about how to do any part of it, do some research! You have the whole internet at your fingertips. With the right person and a calmer mindset, you will be fine. :)
Not the OP but I found this comment really helpful and a bit reassuring as an inexperienced guy myself. Thanks for sharing :)
I agree, i cracked a bunch of jokes with the girl i lost my virginity to and we were both laughing our asses off. It really helped with my anxiety and relax, I'm pretty sure that's part of what made it a good time. We would usually joke around everytime we had sex and i didn't think it was weird at all. I haven't slept with anyone, so maybe i shouldn't crack joke with the next person if it's considered weird lol
Yeah that sucks. If you are watching porn and jacking off a lot, I’d quit that. There should be no reason a healthy young male can’t cum with a female he’s attracted too. All I see I’m these threads are stories of guys that Jack off to porn all the time and then can’t function with a real female. I’d quit if I were you.
Well I think it had a lot more to do with nervousness and pressure to perform to be honest. I just didn’t want to say that in the moment…
Haha my husband had this issue when we started dating, he had a high school gf and then wasn't with anyone for his entire 20s..he wanted to wait for the right person so by the time we got together he didn't have sex for like almost like 8-10 years.
It was awkward being the more experienced one, but also since we talked about all of this I knew where he was coming from emotionally and physically it was fine because of that and we eased our way into it. I think my expectations were really low because I knew his "history" and that he wasn't experienced...we have an amazing relationship, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
So maybe just being more upfront about this would be good in the future, I'm going to guess that she might have blamed herself that she couldn't get you off, some women take this as a personal front like they aren't attractive enough or something like that. I think what you said was funny actually and trying to lighten the moment, plus you blamed yourself instead of blaming her... I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Most girls want their men to last longer so I don't see this being a problem.
Mental pressure is a big thing guys suffer with
Yep. Last two relationships, the first time I slept with them, nothing. I had no trouble staying up, but the anxiety of being with someone new (plus some meds I'm on) makes it really hard to finish until I really get used to a new partner.
For a lot of guys, it's USUALLY death grip syndrome and they need to wack it less or at least wack it more gently, but what you're saying isn't uncommon either.
I love how if I can't get a woman off its immediately my fault and apparently if she can't get me off its also immediately my fault. Wonderful world
It’s not difficult to get a man off. If you can’t cum by having sex with a woman you find attractive, it’s probably your fault. I mean you are fucking her right? You are not tied up or anything correct?
Or...or...just bear with me...she's bad in bed? I've had women get me off, they're the small minority in my sample size.
> If you can’t cum by having sex with a woman you find attractive, it’s probably your fault.
Spoken like someone who has never had bad sex.
I’ve had plenty of bad sex but there isn’t much needed to get me to the finish line other than a willing participant. It might not be an exciting race but I’m not standing there with my limp noodle in my hand crying because Peggy Sue isn’t doing back flips onto my cock.
>but I’m not standing there with my limp noodle in my hand crying because Peggy Sue isn’t doing back flips onto my cock.
I feel bad for you then
Advice for next time, if you want it.
Ooh okay. A better response would have been saying that you do find her really attractive, you’re just in your own head. Or you just always have a hard time finishing the first time you’re with someone. Most women can certainly relate to that.
Did you try to make her come (oral, using your hands) or was it just penetrative sex and expecting her to finish?
It’s perfectly acceptable to ask what she likes as well.
It's the old "Must have experience to get a job, how do you get experience? Get a job." conundrum. Just keep plugging away at it, um, so to speak.
Nic Claxton missed his first 10 free throws in a playoff game last week. He's in the freaking NBA for pete's sake. Everyone makes a lot of mistakes. Don't worry about it.
Honestly, don’t beat yourself up over it. I know that is easier said than done, especially when you’re feeling some residual embarrassment over the situation. But you’re obviously on the road of sexual discovery and there are going to be some bumps along they way. Think of it as a learning experience rather than an awkward moment to dwell on. You’re doing fine, and honestly, it’s normal to have experiences like this. You got this! ☺️
I know this feels like a bad experience for you, but nobody has a perfect first experience. It’s not always about the sex either, most women will overlook that if everything else went well and you made them feel special.
Recommendation: Seek out more experienced women who will be willing to show you a few secrets, and practice.
Keep working at it bro I had 0 confidence when I first was getting started with girls and now it just flows naturally and usually ends up pretty good!
Don't regret your mistakes, just learn from them. Nobody likes making mistakes but they are the single most valuable lessons you will learn from in life. You want level of experience like other people, then go out there and live, make mistakes and then turn those lessons into gold when you finally meet someone that just gets you and is awkward with you. I was pretty bad lover in my 20s and very inexperienced. I only cared about pleasing myself most the time, and with time and different relationships I really learned to please a partner in bed, most of it I say was a result of just communicating.
You're making a lot of assumptions about why she's not interested. It could be any number of things that don't have to do with your awkwardness in the bedroom, or don't even have anything to do with you at all.
>or don't even have anything to do with you at all.
Lol it's always a woman who's trying to mislead the guy. Just admit it and quit trying to puzzle OP even more, even OP knows it was mostly due to his inexperience.
Yes, but it's safe to assume what the reason was.
I think you're doing good making these steps, you might want to disclose that to girls. I think some would find it endearing.
Congratulations for getting that far! I’m a late bloomer too, keep trying.
There's genuinely nothing wrong with you or you being awkward. I think what drew me to my partner the most was his shyness and awkward charm. You don't need tons of experience or to know exactly what or how to say something always. I loved how genuine he was and how down to earth he was. It feels good to see someone just be themselves because it makes people feel like they can around them. I won't promise every person is attracted to the same things, but many people I know love a guy who is a little awkward. My best friends all love a guy who shows vulnerability and sincerity as well. Chin up.
But you know what you do need? Confidence. You can be ugly and not socially skilled but still draw people in when you feel good about YOU! You have to feel good about yourself first. I imagine you did perfectly fine but the lack of confidence may have been a turn-off for her.
I used to be like shaky nervous spending the night with someone the first time because I was scared I'd fart in my sleep! Lol BE YOURSELF
I will disagree here a bit in that she did describe me as confident lol so I don’t think that was the issue. Im not really shy either. But definitely awkward and goofy.
If she really turned you down for being awkward or goofy; she was never worth your time. She'd suck in bed and be even worse to deal with on a daily basis -- I promise. I've been forced to socialize with people like that and they are definitely, definitely not wifey material.
Aw shucks. You see that guys?
Just be confident!!
Yeah, that would be the key, for sure. Have you tried that?
tbh this could happen to anyone even with experience
\*insert doesn't matter, had sex meme\*
look up abundance mindset, would probably help you be less awkward too
Friend, don’t be so hard on yourself. I only speak for myself (37F) but I honestly prefer a guy who *isn’t *too** smooth in the bedroom… It makes me wonder how he got so good and the implications of the answer to that question aren’t great in my mind. The whole experience of getting naked with someone for the first time is usually pretty awkward but a lot of it actually has to do with your chemistry with the person. I’ve had *absolutely terrible* sex with someone I thought I really liked and he made me feel really inadequate, whereas another guy I was with we just connected and everything flowed really well and felt so natural and effortless. Getting naked with someone is a very vulnerable step for most people!! If a guy shows he cares about my side of the experience (is gentle, and doesn’t just go straight into jackhammering into me, asks me if I like what he’s doing, is there anything I want him to do etc) even if I don’t cum I will probably still really enjoy the experience. It’s not always about getting off — although that’s very nice obviously — I’ve come to expect I won’t cum more often than not because a lot of guys don’t seem to care as much about the woman’s experience and honestly just don’t know how to help us get there. I’m not sure if it comes across as not caring about our experience because they don’t know how to help us get there but just asking is leaps and bounds ahead. Do some research on going down on a woman (look up women-centric porn, even) and get very acquainted with where the clit is. It’s not always about penetration. But in the meantime just don’t be so hard on yourself and get back out there. Don’t make assumptions about why someone ghosts or isn’t into you, just accept it, count it as experience and try and learn something from it, and move on.
I don’t think many women have high expectations.
Lol. Good one. I needed that.
No worries, next time look for a girl with a warmer personality type that takes care of you physically and emotionally (even for a hookup, kindness can be sooo sexy).
where does it say she wasn’t warm? it’s perfectly reasonable to not want to meet up again and there’s no indication it was actually because of lack of experience! it could have been literally anything. best advice would be to take this as a win and a learning experience and move on!
The title literally says "she ghosted me..".
I know that nowadays ghosting seems common, but in my opinion people with a decent and warm personality usually have the backbone to at least say goodbye after being on a level of intimacy with each other.
>I know that nowadays ghosting seems common, but in my opinion people with a decent and warm personality usually have the backbone to at least say goodbye after being on a level of intimacy with each other
This, exactly. I can't imagine even how it's possible to ghost someone completelly and forget after being intimate. People aren't tools, they have emotions. Yet still there are people who don't have emotions and a backbone somehow.
Yes same. Sexuality involves at least minimum of responsibility in various aspects.
How is this in any way a win?
>even for a hookup, kindness can be sooo sexy
Wow you truely sound like someone fun being around ..lol
Kindness/niceness is literally the bare minimum that women and men...and everyone else for that matter expect from their partner.
How is something so basic consider "sexy" lol, good lord
Kindness that comes from within is not inherited in everyone. It is different from acting kind and "behave".
What I am talking about is that warmth in personality.
>What I am talking about is that warmth in personality.
Again, that is literally expected from all of their partners and is the most basic thing.
Do you know anyone that would date someone that's cold to them?
Chances I won't like a woman if she's acting/behaving cold. Nothing surprising there, I still don't see how you think something so basic is considered "outstanding".
I kinda agree with the guy you are responding to.
When guys say things like "i am a nice guy, or i am not great but not terrible, i would be kind and considerate" the inexplicable response is " nicesness is the bare minimum". How can it be the bare minimum when a solid number of men who hookup lack it?
So it might be childish but yeah "niceness is hmthenbare minimum". The girl here was trash.
Hookups are risky and disappointing enough for women without them being expected to coddle and provide deep emotional care for strangers lmfao.
I don't think that emotional care for another human being is a bad invest ever, sorry.
So why hook up.
They could just stay home with cats.
I care fir the people who i want to hook up with. I expect the same in return.
>I worry how long it will be until I can try again and improve those mistakes.
Hopefully you will CORRECT the mistakes, not improve them.
And you should start trying again like, today. Tick Tock you are not getting any younger.
I mean its not that easy for me to just suddenly find somebody new to practice with….
>Tick Tock you are not getting any younger.
Buddy, 1/3 of guys under 30 are virgins. You ain't alone, you're doing fine.
Its a numbers game. You gotta just try and try.
I really don’t understand why people keep admitting to their virginity. Such a stupid concept, especially in the age of porn. If you’ve watched porn you know the general process so, Just say you are rusty and ask them to communicate what they’d like for you to do.
Get em next time. Live and learn
Do your best stay in the gym and focus on your career and personal development and you can date younger women anyways. You’re in your prime bro or almost there
When you are fond of someone and trust the person or have feelings for them, you will be a natural. Don’t sweat it. You’ll be ok. We are sexual beings. You’ll eventually be comfortable enough to get intimate with someone. Just don’t pressure yourself in having sex just because. Be picky who you want to get intimate with. As in make sure she isn’t sleeping around with multiple partners. Better to be with someone you’re comfortable with. Because she’ll be understanding if it isn’t perfect. And it is a learning experience. Don’t let “age” thing bother you. So you saved yourself for a while. I don’t think anything is wrong with that. :)
Hey you're further along than i am. Never really dated and had two very meh "relationships" in high school. Havent had any since and currently trying to learn how dating works at 25. Im sure it sucks but take pride in that youve come quite a ways.
The lesson here is, you can do it. Congra-rats mad lad.
I hear you, man. I hope you meet someone new soon. Try not to feel too bad. Treat them well though, not just like a sex experiment ( :
Communication my friend !
You ever play *Hades* or a rogue-like game? You got one step closer; you died and gotta start all over again; and next time when you get to this point, you'll be more prepared. 😂
Hang in there and keep at it.
Wtf you meant to do, throw them on the bed and fuck them, or slow burn in bed. I’ve never tried the first but I feel girls will like it more.
you literally do better each time dood. good for you
One, it’s probably more in your head than you think. Or I bet it’s has a lot more to do with confidence and less to do with how “good” you were or anything like that. Confidence comes with experience, and now you have a bit more experience. You did it once, you can do it again, and it will be that much easier next time.
Two, the first time with someone is rarely amazing, and almost never as good as the second or third or so on. A lot of people understand that, and anyone that is really into you won’t drop you if the first time is a bit of a let down. So I’m saying it’s probably not just that, and you don’t need to put too much pressure on yourself. I’m sure it was probably “mostly fine but could have been better.” Again that’s fine, when you find that right person things should go a lot better.
At 27 yeah you’ll find women with more experience than you, you’ll also find people with less or different experiences. That’s fine, you can learn from people with more, and experience and explore with people with less. I’m about the same age and have run into people with a lot more experience, but plenty of others that have little, have only been in a few long term relationships, or people that haven’t been in any steady relationships and have had lots of mediocre sex. So I wouldn’t get too down on yourself or think every woman out there wants an expert in bed or it’s not going to happen - that’s pretty far from the truth. Might be the case with this one, but it’s definitely not all women out there.
Don't worry, if it's happened once, you can make it happen again. Slow, steady, and enjoy the experience.
Don't put timeframes, expectations of down talk yourself, you are ok, doing great.
Learn what you can from it but don't stop moving forward. It's all you can really do.
Do not beat yourself up too much. It happens to the best of us.
A lot of women want men with experience, I agree but it’s also nice if he says he doesn’t know how to do something.
Being honest with what you can/can’t do is always okay. That way, when you finally get to the bedroom she might be able to guide you if she has more experience & that might get rid of you being awkward.
I had a similar experience not that long ago (at 33) but have found my way into an LTR now. Third time’s a charm!
I don’t take credit for this saying and I’m also paraphrasing from memory, but ghosting is a sign of the other person’s inability to have a frank, honest and maybe difficult conversation. It helped me process the icky feelings a lot. Also, I can say that I have skirted a convo or two in the dating phase because of these feelings as well.
Hey man- it’s all a part of the game. Now you know what to do and what not to do. You’re in a perfect position. Don’t sweat it! More and more opportunities will come.
Someones already said it but whatever. Look friend, it's progress regardless of how you look at it so don't worry yourself. It will get better with time and perseverence. Like you, I'm a late bloomer too so I know exactly how it is. Now that you've made that step, you know what to do and are ready to work out the rest on what to do next. Take it one date at a time until you land someone who is willing to be patient with you! Wish you all the best OP!
Just trust yourself :)
Just say something like, h-hey I w-was wondering if maybe uh er um you wanted to maybe sometime