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Be yourself. Either his parents accept you for you, or he stands up to them. If not, why be with him?


I agree. Also, straightening her hair isn’t going to change who she is. It’s an exterior characteristic that his parents may be uncomfortable with because they’re unfamiliar and have their stereotypes they believe to be true. I do hope OP doesn’t give in to this request and sees that her characteristics add to her beauty and she’s not beautiful in spite of them. It does seem like this is more on her boyfriend to sit down and have an honest conversation with his parents. He really likes OP which is why he would introduce her to his parents in the first place but she shouldn’t have to feel like she needs to be anything other than her natural self. It’s complicated though and I get that. Hopefully, the boyfriend’s parents can find a way to happy for him and accepting and welcoming of his relationship despite the differences.


Hell before BF has a sit down with the parents, I feel OP needs to have a sit down with the BF. He’s asking her to enable his racist parents. I can’t think of a more disrespectful thing to ask a biracial partner. By asking her to do this he is condoning his parents racism.


Yeah gotta agree with you. Idk what the bf’s history is with dating POC and idk if he knows this isn’t just a tall ask, it shouldn’t be asked at all. I wanna give the guy a bit of a break if he just doesn’t know better, which happens. It would be a really good idea for OP to have the upfront conversation with her boyfriend about who she is, he’s gotta love it leave it ultimately because it’s her dna, she can’t change it and shouldn’t fake it either. So essentially I agree, the conversation starts with OP and her boyfriend sitting down and having a heart to heart.


100%, this is not a good sign. What if you guys get married and have kids? You need to know this man will have your back and support you, and tell his racist parents to get fucked if required. If he's this much of a coward, this early, get out. Asking you to change your appearance to appease racists is where you draw the line. Tell him absolutely not and see what his reaction is.


💯 Facts


Phenomenally said, great post


Exactly! Plus if you get married and have kids they might not accept them either. I think is a red flag




Relationships with parents are complex but if the guy really has racist parents, he will eventually have to stick up for her. She might as well find out early how it's gonna be so ahe can make an educated decision.




Her boyfriend is essentially asking her to change her appearance so that she can pass as white. In 2022! I already think he's a piece of shit for even asking her to straighten her hair...but she somehow still sees a potential future. I'd say it's a test for both of them.


I think if your parents are unaccepting of your significant other because they are racist there’s no moving forward without standing up to your parents and being prepared to go low or no contact with them. At this point in my life I am very happy to live life without my parents because I spent so long twisting myself in knots about what they expected of me, and it is very freeing to be able to say- I’m an adult, I get to chose my family, I get to distance myself from family if they are toxic and bad for me. So if my parents made the man I love feel unsafe and Unaccepted in their home, guess who’s getting cut out? It’s not my partner.


So…because it’s complex for him she has to suffer? It is black and white. Either he follows their racism (him being “less racist” because he’s attracted to PoC) and puts her down or he puts his foot down with his racist ass parents who’ve never been checked or asked to do better. If she compromises 5 months in and for ppl she’s just meeting they’ll keep pushing for more. If you give a racist mouse a cookie… He didn’t try to brace them or stand up to her what happens when another person of color (not passing or biracial) dates him what will he ask of them after having a partner that was willing to be more considerate of him and strangers than themselves with no effort to give a fuck to stand by his partner. He doesn’t have to denounce them or kick them in the face. It’s on principle or rather this…has his white gfs been asked to change ANYTHING about themselves or just the WoC


Standing up to racists is absolutely black and white. You either side with racists or you side with your black girlfriend. She finds out early before she's too invested what his position is and saves herself a lot of time and heartbreak. There are tons of great men out there without racist parents to appease, why on earth should she tolerate this shit because it's difficult for him?




Oh well, as long as the racists aren't uncomfortable. God forbid ..




No, this is a bunch of excuses for people to get away with racism. Op should not be dealing with it, she's the one who has to deal with the issue on a bigger scale than her boyfriend. Her boyfriend has way more control of his situation.




OP can just dump the guy, and the guy can date someone else instead of putting her through hell. You seem to want to side with having to deal with racists, that says a lot about what you align with if you want to defend this so much.


Go curly, don’t damage your hair for them. It’s only been 5 months if his family can’t accept you as you are naturally or he can’t get past their opinion he’s not the one.


YES. This dude’s asshole parents aren’t worth the straightening damage. Fuck that shit. Your curls are probably absolutely gorgeous! He needs to grow up and realize the absurdity of this demand.


This. Right. Here.


I’m kinda fuming that he even suggested this to you. He said his parents “do not take well to people of color”… so his family is racist and his solution is to whitewash you? Right now he and his family do not seem worth the hair damage. No one is. You are who you are and you don’t need to change for anyone. If you straighten your hair to meet his parents, what will the expectation be for the future? Every time you have to have dinner with these people, you have to flatten and damage your hair?


Fuck him and his racist family. This is about more than the hair and it will not stop with the hair.


It starts with the hair, and slowly they'll chip away at the rest of you. Eventually you won't recognise yourself.


You'd be willing to change your appearance to impress racists? Just think about that for a second...


This goes for both the bf and the parents. He's obviously on board with having his gf try to be as white as possible. It's all deeply concerning.


If he loves his girlfriend and loves his family he probably really wants them to get along. He’s probably just worried if his parents mean a lot to him. It’s still wrong and unfair to say this to his girlfriend, but if he’s desperate for them to like her maybe he ignorantly thinks this is the solution. Once again, not saying he’s right, probably just misguided.


exactly, it's not like the guy is some monster like some of the people here want to make him out to be. the situation can just be solved by talking with the significant other and then going from there, if it becomes too much trouble between the parents and gf then they'll cross that bridge when they get there but it's not 100% a fact that it'll it turn out that way and we shouldn't be trying to act as though it's already happened.


Acceptance… is dangerous


Ugh, I am so sorry. My BF is white (I’m Asian), we visited for Christmas, long story short he ended up telling off his disgustingly racist family members and we left. He is vehemently against ever subjecting me to them again. I didn’t have to ask him to defend me—that’s what I think is most significant to me. Your bf should know better than to ask you to straighten your hair. Your bf should be a better person than that, with more of a spine. If he would rather have you change ANY elements of yourself to appease his racist family instead of going after them for their RACISM, kick him to the curb. That’s not a moral guy, nor someone you want in your future. You deserve better. Dating white men, you’re gonna come across some decent guys who “get it” and lots of cowards. Don’t settle for a coward.


Also, asking you to be complicit to their expectations could also be a form of passive racism. I don’t know your relationship but if he’s asking you to change anything about your physical appearance, esp hair, which exactly to what you mentioned earlier, can be a hard topic for a lot of women of color, I would start to think that he likes the idea of dating a POC but doesn’t fully understand what he’s doing. And you gotta ask yourself if you wanna stick around to explain every little detail about stuff like this. Sometimes it’s nice to just be around people who just get it. Idk if you have 4C curls or what, but that shit requires a lot of upkeep and he sounds like an idiot or just really privileged because I don’t think I could ever request someone wear their hair a certain way, nvm knowing that’s basically asking you to appear more white in the most blatant way I ever heard. If he doesn’t realize what he’s asking then you have to decide how much emotional labor you’re willing to give in explain this cus it sounds like there’s a whole lot more where this coming from.


COWARD. That’s the word that was missing from this thread. He’s so cowardly that he wants OP to damage her beautiful natural hair because of how scared he is of his own racist piece of shit parents. Total coward. Thank you for nailing it.


Personally I won’t change for anyone I am me, take me or leave me IMO if you cave for this not small demand what happens when if you have kids will his parents be in your childrens life or is he going to bleach their skin and straighten their hair every time the parents come round This sort of thing starts of with “please lets keep my parents happy it’s only for X hours/days” and turns into they control our lives because they don’t like this or that every time they come round EDIT: whoever downvoted me, why? (Just curious)


He’s dating you because I assume he likes you, why is he not able to stand up to his parents and say this is my (insert relationship term) deal with it Sounds like he’s scared of them and will never stand up for you or anything you believe in, unfortunately I’m not sure this will get better, you are a team you both fight each other’s battles as one. If he can’t do that now 5 months in what happens when something comes up in 5 years and he’s not with you?


Your bf asking you to do this is fucking ridiculous. I would never straighten my curly hair so people can feel comfortable around me. If the parents don't like you then screw them. Your bf also might not understand that women with curly hair often take a long time to even accept their curly hair so the question "can you straighten your hair" is triggering for some of us. Go curly.


_has flashback to being forced to straighten it to death using cheap heat tools in the ‘90s and 2000s by hairdressers with no fucking clue how to handle curly hair_


I’m triggered ^


I’m sorry this was so horribly accurate 😔


Here's something: I'm white (WTFC but just for the story). I have 3C hair. The only person in my family who doesn't have straight hair. I got teased so bad I didn't want to go to school or go outside my house. No one in my family knew how to take care of my hair either. It was hard to accept my hair, too. Everyone else had it easy: if it was humid, or rainy, my hair went wild. All that slick, straight hair around me. It wasn't until 2015 that I realized how much I really loved my hair, and that was because I lost it all. I developed some sort of skin problem, and I lost ALL of my hair. It will be 7 years this July. I would give anything to have my hair back. I've been to all sorts of doctors for this. I have never been helped, nor have they come up with a correct diagnosis. My life has been lessened by the loss of my hair. Being a woman, being bald, and getting dumped by your husband at 40 years old... Not much room left in there for any self-esteem. Now, I have so many more things to worry about besides curly hair. Seems strange that I ever hated my hair, when I hate not having it even more.


NOPE NOPE NOPE ANNNNNDDDDD N O P E. Authenticity should trump impressing his parents.


Isn’t his request kind of a non-starter in terms of ur dignity and self-respect? I mean, love is only love if ur allowed to be yourself. If you’re asked to change ur appearance, for any reason, then you know ur not truly valued. Which should offend both your heart and your pride.


I couldn't have said it better!


As a person of color, don’t you ever in your life change your physical looks to impress white people. Don’t you even dare. Any white person that dates a POC, knowing that their parents are racist, are evil. Actually, never mind, they’re evil if they still have contact with their parents and want their non-white SO to meet their racist fucks. As a black woman I believe that if you’re gonna date outside of your race, make sure that your SO and their family aren’t racist. If their family is racist, but your SO is not, make sure they are willing to keep you as far away from their family as possible and they don’t force integration. Their family should know you exist. That’s it. They do not need to bring you around racists. I don’t know what would be going through their heads to try that shit in the first place if they really loved you and respected you for who you are. Your boyfriend doesn’t respect you if he’s trying to get you as close to whiteness as he can in order to fit in with his racist family. If I was you, the second he asked me to straighten my hair, we would be done. But I know how some of y’all like to stay for the “potential” even though their true colors are right in front of you so go ahead boo. Do what you want to do but at the end of the day, do not change yourself to fit in a white family. Let’s not do that. Edit: if you meet his parents and they’re rude to you in ANY kind of way, and he doesn’t put his parents in their place immediately, leave that relationship with no hesitation. Don’t accept any excuses. Never stay in a relationship with a man that doesn’t defend you. That will be the death of you.


THIS — though if your parents are hateful pieces of shit, it’s okay to say “Yeah I haven’t spoken to Bob and Carol in about a decade since they’re both bigoted as hell and I wanted to escape their nasty influence” instead of dragging your innocent partner to meet their toxic asses. (I come from a mixed marriage where the lily-white Evangelical half of the family didn’t attend my parents’ wedding. I don’t think it was evil of my mom to marry my dad while having racist parents, since my mom recognized that her own parents were awful instead of making lame excuses for their behavior.)


I'm a white guy in complete agreement with Brilliant-Display-16 here. When I love someone, the rest of the world gets to take-us or leave-us, but there's no way either half of "us" should need to put on a front for parents or anyone else. ​ **Edit:** subject-predicate grammar stuff




So true! If he doesn’t keep you safe from any verbal abuse from your family, OP, your bf doesn’t care about you that much. I am from an Asian family and dated an American white guy. My family hated Americans so I just told them I’m dating someone American and never had them see my bf, not even his picture. My SO does not need those insults from them. The relationship is about me and him. That’s my way of protecting him. If he cares about you, he’ll protect you from any forms of abuse. And if that comes from his family, he will prevent them from meeting you by all means. It’s not worth it if otherwise.


Everything you said is facts.


🙌 THIS 👏👏👏👏 every single part of this, YES. OP, be who you are always! we are all perfect & gorgeous just the way we are. that's super hurtful of him to even think that and then have the audacity to say that to you.. I am so sorry. and I hope you take alll of Brilliant-Display-16's advice.. I know it's hard to see red flags sometimes bc "love is blind" but just try to see red flags as they are. just be aware, keep your eyes open & listen closely to your intuition. sending you all the best✨


Amen to everything you've said.


Exaclty, Op has bigger problems than this. I wish I hadn't read their post, kmt.


That’s what I’m sayinggggg. OP READ THIS


100% with this!


Like the rest have said, be yourself but tell your BF. Explain again how you embrace yourself and how it includes your background and ethnicity. If his parents can't accept it, it's their issue. If he can't, you may be forced to make a tough decision about your future together. I've dated women of many ethnicities and never once did I ever think of doing something like this. Let that sink in.


Yikes. Be yourself and if he is not the one at least you can be you.


Keep your curls. DO NOT STRAIGHTEN YOUR HAIR. If his family can't accept the real you, curls in your head. Maybe you don't need to meet them. DO NOT COMPROMISE who you are to make someone else more comfortable. As a black man please listen to me. You're fine the way you are. If your bf accepts it. He should fight for you. He needs to stand up to his parents and tell them. She's my lady and she won't compromise to make you comfortable.


Racially insensitive parents that he his willing to compromise you for. Need more be said?


Don’t waste more of your time with a man that doesn’t want you to look how you look in any context


Here’s the thing…. You’re not going to straighten your hair every single time you see them. So they need to get over it eventually anyway. And you have to ask yourself…. Do you really want to be with a man who asks you to change? You should be with a man who is proud to show you off to his family! Curls included!! And for what it’s worth… I find curly hair absolutely beautiful. I’m Greek/American, and mines just kind of wavy frizz. I’ve always admired curly hair. I think you should own it!! I bet it’s stunning.


So I’m going to give you my perspective on this as a white woman dating a black man. I would NEVER ask him to change anything about him or his identity to appease other people. He is who he is and that beautiful. I learned how to retwist his hair for him and it’s one of my favorite most intimate moments we have. This is a micro aggression. It will not get better. I would let him know that you will not be straightening your hair and that if that is an issue maybe it’s time to reevaluate the time you spend together. If he spends this much time with his racist parents this is going to turn into a hellish relationship for you and I’d hate to see a beautiful woman of color lose her soul to appease some shitty man’s parents. This isn’t about your hair, I have curly hair and am paler than a ghost half the time. It’s about your blackness. Don’t let him bully you into presenting a different you.


Please don’t change your identity to please some racist ass people. It starts with your hair , next will be the way you talk , walk etc etc it will be never ending. Just don’t do it .


Don’t straighten your hair. That’s what you do.


If someone sees that someone is racist, and says "How can I make that racist feel more comfortable with the existence of POC" then they are also racist. He shouldn't date a POC if he is going to pick his racist parents over them. It's not about hair.


Why are you still with him? That's really the question here. He's ashamed of you and too cowardly to face his parents with a black woman. It's really disappointing when I read posts like these from black women being conflicted by something that should b straight forward. If your white boyfriends don't accept you for exactly what you are, they shouldn't BE your boyfriends.


I'm really sorry to hear this. Imagine that you had kids, and imagine that they had hair like yours. Would you want your children to be subjected to that kind of treatment from their grandparents?


Dump him before his family goes to their next white hood meeting.


He's gotta grow up and face his parents with whatever personal decisions he makes. Strengthening your hair is gonna change the fact that his parents are judgy idiots lol.


DO NOT STRAIGHTEN YOUR HAIR. I’m sure you look amazing with those curls and tell your boyfriend “too bad” cause his parents shouldn’t judge a book by its cover and even then they should judge anyone at all for anything. They can be the ones that have to suck it up not you. Please be yourself!


Oh no no no


Changing your hair won’t change their hearts So do whatever you want to feel comfy and beautiful.


You do not have to make yourself more palatable for anyone, especially known racists.


Would you even want to be with someone who has those kinds of parents? "..don't take too well to POC"?! What the fucking fuck? And how is this coming up NOW? I feel like that's a "one week in" convo. "Btw, my parents are racist assholes so you will never have to meet them". God this made me so upset. Maybe I'm overexaggerating but hello...? How can you even consider going to meet these people? I would just turn down the offer.


>What do I do? GET OUT! ... literally


I wouldn’t even flip up my septum piercing for some dudes parents. It takes two seconds. There are no adverse problems from doing it. But they’re gonna like me how I am or not at all. Fuck his parents💁🏻‍♀️


Girl straightening your hair once won’t erase the fact you’re biracial. You need to make this a line in the sand - they like and respect you as you come and if they don’t that is their to problem not yours. Potentially racist in-laws aside, if this was me I would have a major issue with my OH asking this and not seeing why it’s a problem to ask - you need to decide if you can be with a man long term who needs you to whiten up yourself to fit in with his family.


This is ridiculous. What if you get married? Have kids? Will you have to adapt your whole life to appease them? Will you have to straighten your kids hair to make them look more “eurocentric?” Ridiculous.


Big nope. It starts with this, what else is he going to ask you? He knows his parents are racist, he should keep you as far away from them as he possibly can.


If this is a long term relationship, they will see you at your natural at some stage, why not now?


*And also...if his parents really are silent racists like he says, I don't think straightening my hair is going to make them like me.* There's your answer right there. Racism is a lot more than straight vs. curly hair. I don't have any advice for you, but that line at the end is spot on.


This is a huge red flag. He's manipulating you to impress society, his own society sphere. My first relationship, my ex, always complained about my bangs, how i must had to go out without bangs in public because represented a better image of myself which he knew it was just bullshit to dominate me. One day her sister arrived, she has straight hair with bangs, myself is curly , and that talk somehow came up, she slapped him for being manipulative towards me. If he's suggesting you to do this, in the next weeks he will give you orders to better straight your hair or cut it short etc. A ton of bullshit. Unfortunately red flags come as the time pass by during a relationship and when we think it could be something solid or serious for a long time. Anyway, if you want to continue with him, just stand firm to your grounds and do not accept these kinds of suggestions or opinions from him. He knew how you were and what you had physically since the beginning, what's the point to change a part of who you are.? Be careful OP.


Absolutely don't change anything about your looks unless it's something that you want to change for your own preference. If your boyfriend is really long-term material, he would not even suggest doing this.


Straightening your hair will make no difference to racist people. Changing your clothes, attitude..anything will make no difference to racist people. I am a mixed woman who has had almost this exact experience, more than once. They will always find something 'wrong' with you to focus on. The need to find fault with you so that they can justify treating you poorly without explicitly saying they don't like people of different colors. I change myself for no one. I will not alter my appearance to make someone more comfortable, and you shouldn't either. I am sure you are gorgeous just the way you are. Also, I am married to a man that is about as white as you can get, and so is his family. Never once has he asked me to do anything like this, and if his parents were racist he would stop speaking to them. Just my current experience. Best of luck to you and those luscious locks! Wear em loud and proud.


>He's wonderful Is he though really??? >He then suggested that I straighten my hair to give me a more of a more....eurocentric appearance. And this broke my heart because he knows that I have been bullied relentlessly for my curls The answer is no he is not. Don't ruin your hair trying to straighten it, first it will be straightening your hair then it will be something else. If he was really wonderful he wouldn't care what his parents thought about you or your hair was and if they said anything he would put his foot down and tell them it was out of order. You deserve better than this.


Don't do that.


Ask him to grow out his hair and curl it because your parents don’t approve of honkies.


My parents never liked my Indian ex wife. They never said anything to me, but I know they always disliked her. It caused problems in our marriage, and now we're divorced (but not because of that). Curl the crap out of your hair. I mean let your curls have curls. Like a whole head full of them. And shake it a lot too. That's what I would do. A big KMA to everyone who doesn't like it. Don't mess with the goat. You get the headbutt.


I was gonna go crazy over this, but I see that the Reddit community already did an amazing job. Please, listen to them. You won’t regret.


don't straighten your hair, and maybe reconsider your relationship with him. This is going to be difficult even if he supports you fully, with those racist parents of his. So the least thing he needs to do is give that support and 100% acceptance of you as you are. And he isn't giving you that.


This is really upsetting to read. I’m a poc with unruly curly hair and I’d be pretty mad if my bf even suggests that I do this. Even with heat protectants, straightening naturally curly hair is stressful and eventually takes on toll your hair. Are you willing to damage your hair for him? In the long run, will this affect your self respect and self worth as a poc? It’s sad that someone you love has the audacity to ask this of you. His racist parents are the problem, not you. Period.


He should want you to be your authentic self. From how you’ve described him, it sounds like he loves you and he’s conflicted about his parents. He wants them to like you but I think he also knows that if they hold these negative views it won’t matter how your hair looks, it’s internalized in them. He’s going to have to make a choice, either he wants to you to a part of his life 100% authentically or not at all. I’m so sorry you’re in this position but I urge you not to change yourself to fit others misconstrued and dated beliefs.


Straightening your hair will not make you look any less not white its pointless. Go natural and tell him you expect respect from them and if he thinks they won't give that them tell him you don't want to meet them and if he isn't sure then tell him you expect him to stand up for you because that's what a good partner would do and not take his parents racist shit. I get wanting to please parents but he must stand up for himself and choices of partners as well..we are in the now and its not okay to be racist and we owe our world and future to stand up to our own family and change their ways of ignorance(or at least try to)


Wow, he said that you…and you’re not taking this as a red flag?


Definitely don't change your hair.


Dump him …if his family is so shallow that they get impressed by hair it’s better to find someone else whose family has real values and morals imho


Don't do it. You don't want to set this precedent. This is your hair, this is you. I don't think he means to but this is not okay. This has come up with me before and after thinking about it , what I settled on is just the absolute need to be accepted as myself and to feel like I am enough, as myself. I kept thinking, if we were to get married, I wouldn't want him to think this okay. If we were to have kids I would definitely not be okay with him programming our little girl into thinking that she isn't enough how she is. Again I don't think he is doing it intentionally or even fully understands the weight of what he is asking but you need to say no and then explain to him why this is such a strong topic for you. As an interracial couple there will be physical and cultural differences and that's okay as long as there is communication, understanding, and respect. Say no and then explain why. If he understands and respects your decision, he is a keeper. If he rejects it and keeps compelling you to do otherwise....you may want to think if you are okay living like this and if things progress in the future if you would be okay feeling as if you need to hide a part of yourself....and possibly have any future kids feel the same way... ....but then I'm single so maybe best not to take advice from me


Don't do it, be yourself. Do you really wanna be with someone who tries to change your appearance to please others?


Don’t change who you are. Be yourself, and if they’re not okay with it, then they’re not worth your time.


Don’t do it . All it is going to do is set that as the expectation. If your curly hair is your standard look go with it.


Speaking from experience, the moment you start changing who you are for the other person is the day you start losing yourself. It doesn't end and they will want more and more. Be you and don't go down that rabbit hole for anyone.


He's not the one for you op. He claims he loves your curls and yet he wants you to straighten them to impress his racist ass parents? 😒 My ex's mom was uncomfortable with me being black and he stood up for me. He didnt try to change me to impress her or accept me. Thats the type of man you want to date. Not someone who tells you to blend in to make white people comfortable. Its 2022, if his parents have "issues" with people of color then their ignorant and thats, that. And as some people already said, if you have children how are the parents going to react? You definitely dont want to put children in those type of situations. Im west African with 4c type hair, so very afro texture tight curls. And no guy has EVER had an issue with that nor has his parents. I do mostly wear my hair in a protective hairstyle though (goddess locs). But even when i have my afro out i get alot of compliments and positive interactions. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Please dont settle for less or try to appease racist folks, it never ends well.


My parents are dead Just saying If you wanna leave him


No, no, no! Don’t do this! You should never change yourself for anyone except yourself. Especially not for some racist, old boomers. I can’t even believe your boyfriend would ask that of you. Disgusting.


NEVER dilute who you are you make yourself more palatable for others. You are amazing and so is your hair, definitely don’t damage your beautiful hair for racists who won’t appreciate everything you are. It’s not worth it. And if being with this guy means you have to deal with him trying to change you to make his parents more comfortable, maybe it’s fine to reevaluate the relationship. People always hate when you go to that, but this is a big thing. Control starts with small things, like “straighten your hair when you meet my parents, they’re lowkey racist” NAAHHH!!!! You deserve someone who sees you for YOU! And values and respects and loves you for you, including your hair. You’re worth so much more than the opinion of those people.


THIS! Well said. Embrace your natural beauty. Be your authentic self.


dump him


I see a lot of cases on Reddit of POC women putting up with nonsense like this to please their white partners.


Actually I see this with both men and women of color on here, i.e. "I'm a POC, my partner is white and their parents, loved ones, friends, co-workers, etc are racist. What should I do?" Honestly you don't need to anything but be who you are. It's up to your partner to protect you and to make sure you're comfortable. I think alot of POC dating white people prize whiteness so much that they try to excuse bad behavior or rationalize it. The mere fact that he's bringing the OP around his racist parents AND asking her to change to appeal to them is a huge problem. That should be enough to end the relationship. Coming on here to ask for advice shows how little the OP thinks of herself to even consider this. He can't be that wonderful if he wants her to change. I bet if she asked him to tan and to change his features to appear less white that would be a non-starter for him if the roles were reversed. I'm all for interracial dating and have done so regularly myself. But I'd never change my blackness to please a non-Black man and his social circle. And if he's Black and wants me to be lighter or more European looking, it's still a "hell no." Too many options out there for dating to deal with immature, trifling people.


Hey, don't straighten your hair. First of all, telling you to change something that's a major part of your identity for them to like you is wrong. Two, this is a matter of racism. Tell him frankly, gently that if he can't tell his parents that whom he chooses to be with his his choice and they have to treat his date/partner/girlfriend with respect, then you're doubting if he justifies his parents' racism or if your comfort and security don't matter enough to him or both. If you two would like to be with each other for some time, he's got to change this one thing, and decide for himself, parents' racism or you?


Hell no. Normally I'm up for making small compromises to maintain peace but here, hell no!!! Do not change anything about you to please some old racists and a racism enabler. Also,straightening your hair wouldn't magically turn u white lol. And what if your kids are of color? Him asking u to change your appearance to appease his racist parents should definitely make u rethink your relationship.


Fuck that guy, and his racist parents. He should have more backbone to defend you than ask for such a thing. Let him go, and he can find another white person to date, and you can date less idiotic.


Peace out. Simple as that


The fact that he even asks this of you is a huge red flag and if I were you I probably wouldn’t want to continue that relationship. You deserve better.


I’m confused why he would even ask you that… he needs to stick up for you, against his parents. Not ask you to bend and twist for the master.


Remember how Mike stoop up against for Phoebe in FRIENDS? You want that in your life.


Fuck allat be yourself if they're racist you don't need to fucking meet them


Don't do it. Wear your hair in the style that you want to wear it. All hair types are beautiful, everything from 1a to my 4c pattern.


Tell him no you won’t straighten your hair and if it is an issue you say goodbye to this 5 month relationship.




Make it curlier if possible


I'm lost to why someone who truly loves you would want you to put up with racism. As a biracial woman myself who's been through something similar, it's not worth it. He either steps up to his parents or it isnt gonna work.


ditch the loser.


Just respectfully ask him to be okay with you not straightening your hair. Explain to him what you just explained to us. Make sure he understands how you feel about it. You guys are in a relationship, communication is very important, especially in these types of situations. Chances are straitening your hair won’t stop them from being assholes if they’re going to be that way. Also if they say rude things and he doesn’t defend you in front of them, that would be a red flag in my opinion.


Do what you want to do. If you personally don't think its a big deal then straighten it. I have crazy wild curls too so I get it.


I’m really sorry this happened. It’s so disappointing to hear you boyfriend wants you to change yourself to be more acceptable to his racist boyfriend. Even more disappointing that he dated you knowing that his parents are racist and what you might be subjected to. First do not change your hair or do a single thing to make you be ‘accepted’. You need to talk to him. Tell him that what he’s asking is not acceptable, he knows who he’s dating and he has to be prepared to stand up for you If they say something, even be ready to cut them off. This is something you should seriously think about, especially if you want kids in the long term. They will not be white and they may be subjected to their beliefs. Your boyfriend needs to be ready to either avoid that from avoid completely and defend you.


Don't ever change yourself for anyone else


He doesn’t understand how extreme that is for you, he doesn’t know how to prioritize his options, take a loss, or how to stand up for himself. All that stuff comes from experience with he’s gaining here with you now.


Wow! I’m sorry that he ever asked you to do this. Be yourself, and find a guy who is very proud to be with the authentic you. As a white person, my whole body cringed up at the thought of someone telling you “please straighten your hair to appear more white-ish” damn, we are not doing well as a society.


Tbh that’s a deal breaker imo are you really willing to put up with “silent racists” for as long as y’all date?


You're like Liza Koshy. I wouldn't change one thing on you.


Don't straighten your hair. This is going to sound awful- but, guys don't know anything about hair beyond their own hair and what they think they will like they often don't actually end up liking. I had REALLY long hair, like, waist length hair and had a boyfriend who really, really wanted me to get it cut chin-length. So I did. I brought in the photo of his favorite actress and had exactly that hair cut done. He hated it. It was his idea, he insisted on it, but then he blamed me for it after it was done.. lol So yeah, don't change your hair for a fellow because he likely doesn't really know what he wants anyways. His parents will either like you or not like you. My inlaws don't like me- it's actually kind of nice because I don't have to go to any of their family gatherings. I go occasionally to ones that are important to my spouse, but, it's nice not having to go because they are about as fun to be around as watching paint dry.




Baby girl, please don’t change your looks to appease to him and his family ideas of beauty! You said it yourself, just because you straighten your hair, doesn’t guarantee they will accept you! Also, has he told his parents that he is dating a biracial woman?? What is the main reason for him asking you to do that?? Is he trying to hide the fact that your biracial by asking you to strengthen your hair?? So many red flags here and you need to watch out for that. This may be a reach, but it doesn’t seem like he truly accepts you himself, simply because he asked you to do that knowing your past!


If you look like you say don't even think about changing that!! Tia and Lisa are gorgeous af, you don't need to straighten your hair and potentially mess up your current routine/cause damage for people that are only reportedly racist. He could be totally misrepresenting them, you deserve to know the truth about how deep their issues go anyway


No no no that’s fckn bullsh2t tell him no


Go curly and tell him no. It's not your job to appease his parents if they have an issue with poc


Is it your hair or his hair? Please don’t do this to yourself once he sees that you do as he pleases he’ll start asking you to change your whole aspect. Be who you are, he needs to RESPECT YOU, you already told him why you don’t iron your hair. If they’re going to like you or not it won’t be because of your hair. Be yourself and talk to your boyfriend and tell him to never tell you how to look.


I dont think you should have to change your hair for anyone if you don’t want to. If they are slightly racist might have to watch how they treat you to see if you want to be in this relationship or not


Ma'am as a person of color myself with very curly hair, I say dump him and find better. If he is being nit picky about your hair this early, he will disregard your Black side even more down the road. I've been in a relationship like this in my early 20s, ended up leaving him and his racist parents. You will find and do better, trust that.


Don’t do straighten your hair for anyone! You rock those curls and embrace what you’ve got. You don’t owe it to anyone to change your hairstyle just to make them more “comfortable”


That is a very hard position to be in my friend honestly I would not do it because that’s a practical thing you’ll damage your hair that is the true fact of it second off he knows you’ve been doing so for him to ask you something like that that’s a little ridiculous and disrespectful to you personally have you told him how you feel about it I mean as far as going to see your parents? Sorry his parents my bad be yourself if they don’t like you then that’s their problem and if he can’t overcome that then he’s not the right one for you I’m sorry to say


Tell him no. You be you.


You have got to be kidding me with this man. You know what to do. You just don’t want to do it


Nevermind what your boyfriend wants you to do. If YOU want to impress his parents, then you need to be confident - in yourself, in your appearance, and in your relationship. Wear whatever, do your hair however you want to. Words and actions mean so much more than how you style your hair. His parents should see through appearance to learn who you are and why you're a good person for their son. And be ready to fight for who you are if they come attacking your looks or race, but watch out if your boyfriend is not supporting you in that.


Fuck that. Ditch his dumbass and keep your awesome curls.


So your boyfriend wants you to change your appearance because his parents don't like people of color. I don't know if this can go worse in the toxicity area.


He’s not wonderful, he’s enabling his parents’ racism by trying to change you so you’re more palatable to them. And if you have kids and one of them comes out looking like your darker parent, then what? This is gross.


Are you going to bend to the status quo or will you make the status quo bend to you? Be authentically you. Choose wisely :)


You need to call him out on how inconsiderate he is. Communicate to him exactly what you said in this post.


I agree with the masses, if it’s that big of a deal for him and his family, I’m sure he’ll expect you to continue straightening it. Or you hold out on the chance the family is more welcoming to you over time and is “ok” with it but that makes me feel uneasy. You are a fucking human who is probably beautiful and just so happens to be a different shade. I feel annoyed thinking a white girl wouldn’t have to conform in this way. He needs to grow some balls and be proud of you for you. This is a great question though!


I'm biracial as well so I truly get that meeting the parents is very different for us. I want to comment on the larger context of this and take it outside of race for a minute. Changing ANYTHING about your appearance will invite more "requests" and "suggestions." Case in point, when we were dating, my ex husband told me to change my dress because it was too tight and other men would look at me. I was very hurt but being my dumbass 23 year old self, I did it. Fast forward seven years, l ended up divorced with his small child to raise because....he was very controlling. About everything. By that point I didn't even recognize myself, and regaining my sense of self took years. His parents were amazing and I'm very close with his family to this day, but his control issues were fully about HIM. TLDR - Big red flag. Proceed with caution. Sometimes the seemingly little things are very very big things.


When you marry someone, you marry into their family. I would say to just cut your losses and leave because they’re gonna be in the picture given his need to appease them. I’m sorry that his parents are shitheads


Why is he asking you to meet his parents if they don’t “take well to” POC? He shouldn’t even think of subjecting you to that bullshit. He should be too ashamed of them to let them meet anybody. Asking you to change means he wants to piss off his parents, but not *too* much, so he’s a coward on top of everything else.


I’d like to offer a little insight into a similar situation. I’m white, obviously my family is white. We live in the Midwest. Years ago, my brother dated a gorgeous mixed woman… but he was petrified about bringing her home for the first time. Not because my parents are racist, but because growing up in the Midwest it was just something that wasn’t necessarily normalized. We didn’t see a lot of biracial couples on TV growing up and it just wasn’t something we ever really thought about. Anyways, after months of us pestering him about it (I didn’t even know at the time that she was mixed or that it was the reason why he wasn’t bringing her around)… he finally did. And you know what? My parents literally didn’t care. They didn’t say a single word about her being mixed, they were only upset that he didn’t introduce her sooner because she’d missed out on a great family trip. Unfortunately they broke up a couple years later but to this day she is my favorite of his exes. Long story short, that very well could be his same (unfounded) hesitation. Don’t change a single thing about yourself for them. I’m sure he’s just overthinking it and everything will be great. He’s obviously open-minded and close with his family, and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree so to speak. Keep us updated on how it goes, but I know you’re going to be just fine!


Wear it naturally and own it!


My daughter is qlso biracial. She is also insecure about het curls wich i totally adore. If any guy would ask her to do this i would advice her to dump hem. If she has to change to be good a enough for his parents they could keep him. Alsways be yourself. If that is mot good enough... buy buy!


Sadly, it’s time for you to end this relationship. Changing your hair isn’t going to change who you are. Be true to who you are & don’t allow anyone to change the true essence of you.


I mean, you have to be yourself cuz identity if one of the most important things in life, but also "love" has a side of make "signs of love" and if your bf use to do signs of love to you, is not that wrong straighten your hair. Of course u also have to think what are the reasons behind je wanting to straighten your hair and if that reasons worth straighten it as a sign of love. Or just go with your normal hair and that its world won't end.


Don’t do anything to your hair unless you want to. My ex always wanted me to straighten my hair and my hair is naturally curly, very curly, very thick and long. He also wanted my hair short. It’s a huge pain in my ass to straighten my hair and I just don’t have the energy to do it. But I did cut my hair for him once, and I’m never ever cutting my hair or doing anything to my hair for a man ever again. It’s *my* hair. This is *your* hair. Do what you want to it.


Curly hair is elite. No idea why anyone would want you to change it or bully you for it


Tell him to man up


Ask yourself if 5 months is worth a lifetime of hair damage.


It’s the fact that he ASKED you to do it. It puts a bad taste in my mouth. That is your natural hair and though he may see it as somehow protecting you, it doesn’t take away from the fact that his parents could be any less racist. But what it will do is lessen your experience in life as a biracial woman. (Or so I imagine I can only speak from what I’ve observed) It would be one thing if perhaps, he wanted to warn you. Your boyfriend is not his parents and hopefully has not inherited their ideals and has proven this to you, but it’s your choice if you want to endure potentially dealing with racist in laws in your future.


Girl you deserve a better man who would ever ask you to do that under any circumstances. Leave him this is a major red flag. And if the family is racist do you really want to date and marry into that kind of family? I’m mixed and trust me, you can find better.


The moment someone tells you you need to change to impress someone, just no. If he really loved your curls, he have told his parents off. This is just unacceptable behavior. Especially knowing you had trauma in the past, he still did that to you. Kick him to the curb if he can’t face them with you by his side as you are. You are you and no one should make you change anything to impress anyone.


#What's you bf going to do if you have kids and they have your hair?? I don't know, my first reaction was to tell you to leave him, but perhaps I should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's just being genuinely dumb/clueless. You need to have a serious talk! 💛🙏


Tell him you what you just typed here. Straightening your hair is a no go. If he loves you he'll understand and he'll back you up in front of his parents. Hopefully he's a real man who can stand up for himself and you even if it's his parents he needs to stand up to.


I haven’t straightened my hair since junior prom 6 years ago. Don’t change your appearance to appease his racist parents. I’d go just to gauge exactly how awful these people are, and if they make a big fuss about your hair, you’ve got an excuse to engage with them as little as possible in the future.


yeah that’s fucked up. Don’t straighten them


I'm so, so sorry, OP. What a shock to the system! I'm sorry you had this experience.


Don’t straighten - list your reasons, & that’s that.


End it. Why do people date POCs knowing that their parents are racist and they don't have the spine stand up for the person they're dating? This notion that the subject of their racism should just go with it is dehumanizing to say the very least.


Wtf how long you been dating that he didn’t tell you his parents being racist. He should have told you that pretty soon so you’d have the choice to continue dating. I wouldn’t do it, you do these sorts of things once for someone and then the next time you go he’ll be like but you did it last time. I only straighter my hair once in a while for myself if I want to but I’d be damn pissed if anyone else asked me too haha


My gut says he really likes you and values their opinion and wants it to be perfect. And because he thinks your curls are awesome, I doubt he would know you were bullied for it or feel bad about it. If you sometimes straighten your hair, then I can't see why he'd think it was an issue this one time either. Rather than toss the relationship, say you won't meet them this saturday and postpone it. Maybe he can show them a picture and talk through who he's dating before introducing you to them, so no-one is put into a confronting and uncomfortable position. If he wants you to go into that meeting feeling uncomfortable, that's a different issue. Just refuse to meet them until it works for you. On a different note I hear you on a personal level. It is super hard as a young single woman to be judged so harshly on appearance as the rating of who you are, when you're a soul with so much more to you. You should never be underestimated based on your hair.


Impress yourself and get a new boyfriend who truly loves you and puts you first


It'd be deceiving to straighten your hair cuz eventually, they're going to find out what your real hair is like. You can't hide something forever. Besides, why should you change yourself to impress someone? The fact that your boyfriend thinks you will agree to change your appearance for people that are racist is humiliating.


Ask him to grow a spine first


Yikes. This ask is him preferring to try to not rock the boat and bend to their bigotry over putting himself as a filter between you and them. A healthy relationship is one in which a one protects his partner from toxic behaviors from their parents. If he wants to date you and have a healthy relationship with you despite his parents, his role should be to present you as unapologetically you and push back/stand up against any meanness from them. Don't do this. Insist that he present you the way that you are or not at all


I think the real question here is if you wanna stay with someone who wants you to change your identity because of his racist parents, the only people who need to change are his parents and the fact that he's even asking this from you is a huge red flag.


No, if his parent cannot accept that you are biracial then it is up to HIM to put HIS foot down and defend you! What if you two have children, your children may have curly hair, is he going to put that toxic mentality in them and not have them embrace their beautiful curls. This is a test of your boyfriend now, if he doesn’t defend you then he is not for you, your hair is beautiful.


Curly hair is awesome. In my opinion.


Why would you wanna be in a relationship like this. There are plenty of white guys out there girl. A racist mind is never gonna change


Lol my ex once told me to not wear makeup when I’m coming over cause his mom “doesn’t like fake looking girls”, wore a full face of makeup and caked it on :)