Just got laid off at work (NOT A JOKE)
By - bassistheplace246
I spotted an albino dalmatian today. It was the least I could do.
Sorry I don't get it, can someone please explain?
Spotted as in put some spots on the white dog
I thought spotted as in spotted during a gym workout
If that's your thing...
This dog is having some mad gains
Albino Dalmatian: I have no spots, so I shall gain muscle mass.
Random dude in the gym: I'll *spot* you buddy
In this joke, “spotted” is a verb meaning “to make something spotted” as opposed to meaning “saw.” The speaker says he painted spots on the albino Dalmatian to make it look as it should.
As a chemist, I only make dad jokes periodically.
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium
Everyone cries when they argon.
That is, if you can't curium or helium.
I’d like to react but all my jokes argon.
I’d like to tell a joke about chemistry but I don’t think it will get a reaction.
But helium jokes are always funny He He
I feel like we are bonding
I'd rather Bond than be Bohring.
I had a salt joke to add here, but, na
This joke contains the element of surprise
Are you Oxygen Potassium bro?
What’s the difference between Iron Man and a Fe Male?
Na bro, I think you meant sodium bromide
Are you positive?
I'm too noble to react to such a joke
Usually they get no reaction.
oh my bad, am i boron you?
This has an element of good comedy to it.
I tried writing with a broken pencil today. It was pointless.
You want to know what else is pointless? Circles.
I’ve drawn many pointed circles.
Draw a circle in a high enough dpi and you can zoom out to the point it's dot sized
Hate to break it to you... but that's just not write.
My daughter lost her pencil. She literally can't write now.
A shovel, is a truly ground breaking invention
Let us not forget it was the broom that swept the nation.
Don’t forget the light bulb. Praise the man who came up with that bright idea.
And the engrossing gentleman who fastened metals. He was always riveting.
The man who first designed chairs didn’t leave a leg for his competitors to stand on.
Wind turbines, big fan
What kind of music do windmills like? They are huge metal fans.
You really should have a conversation about them, they just might blow you away
But first on how it's made. Historically Wheels were made of metal or wood. With the invention of air filled car tires the ride was revolutionized. The inflated rubber tires could better absorb the bumps on the road. And the invention of tread gave the tire serious traction.
Im.sorry but I think out of all of these the whiteboard is the mist remarkable
But you know what really counts? A calculator.
Rockets are out of this world.
Typically, but sometimes they're really down to Earth.
Well, glasses have seen much popularity too
Refrigeration is pretty cool
Don’t you think shoes are the “sole” of America?
I would say I love my hose, all of them.
What did the Mexican firefighter name his sons?
Hose A and Hose B.
What did the drummer name his daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two.
I have NEVER heard the drummer one. Thank you Gizmo!
Ha! That's buddy rich of you.
I like podiums. That's a product I can stand behind
Yeah, it really stands out among the crowd.
As a farmer, I'm outstanding in my field.
I guess you squash all of the competition
That’s a little corny.
Yeah I’ve bean there also
You really stepped up on the pedestal with that one.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines across the nation!
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote. I was like, "This changes everything!"
(Side note: I like to say this one out loud in stores all the time, just hoping I'm overheard and it brightens a random someone's day. I've never heard anyone laugh out loud but that's not the point anymore.)
The wheel is an invention that got around
Don't forget about the fan, it blows away the competition
While the vacuum as an intention really sucks
Not as remarkable an invention as the dry-erase board.
But what about scissors? Cutting edge technology!
Those inventors were really sharp.
No; of all the inventions ever: the dry erase board is clearly the most remarkable.
EDIT: punctuation. It's still probably wrong
I’m proud I finished a puzzle in just one day
The box said 2-4 years
This one’s going on my résumé.
I finished a thousand-piece puzzle in about an hour once. Didn’t taste very good though.
This reminds me. A guy from my highschool thought the weight displayed on baby diapers packages meant how much they held.....
Kinda bummed that my favorite yard stick factory isn’t making them any longer.
Sorry for the job loss, I know what it feels like. This time last year I was working as a computer programmer installing auto correct, but out of nowhere..
..they just fried me for no raisin.
I was genuinely like aw dang that's super unfortunate, but I read to the end so god damnit.
Your image is very fitting. This was great!
Autocorrect has us all saying things we didn't Nintendo.
Hey OP, hope everything works out for you. If you're looking for qualification to go back out there, I would say that a lot of courses can open several doors, but locksmith definitely opens all of them.
Who are you and how did you get in here!?
I'm a locksmith and... I'm a locksmith.
I like telling dad jokes. Sometimes I tell my mom jokes, too.
I like telling dad jokes even though I don't have any children. I'm a bit of a faux pa.
[Garden path sentences](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garden-path_sentence)
I don’t like telling dad jokes. He’s dead. Not really the life of the party.
Oh, well my father is currently being the cadaver at medical school. (Really, truly!)
He's the class cutup.
This might be too good to be a dad joke. Perhaps an English Teacher Joke?
I know but roll with it...
Irony: the opposite of wrinkly
Fuck this is good
All together is separated, but separated is all together.
Don't get it. Please explain.
The word hyphenated is non-hyphenated. The word non-hyphenated is hyphenated.
Whats the best thing about Switzerland??
I dont know, but their flags a big plus!
Did you hear that Sting has gone missing? The Police have no lead.
How'd they lose him? I thought they were always watching you.
Roxane is a suspect.
Just bought a cheap wig. It was a small price toupee.
Why did the blind woman fall down the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well
I recently quit my job playing triangle in a rock band. It was just one ting after another.
The Norwegian military is installing barcodes on all of its battleships so when they return to port, they can easily Scandanavian.
I was on deployment in the artic and got to pull into port in Norway and we had Norwegian boats in port protecting us. One day after a beer call we were all standing on the flight deck of our ship smoking cigars and I pointed at the Norwegian boat and got the attention of a dozen people to look at the barcodes on the side of their boats. Everyone was confused. Then I dropped this line on them and they almost threw me off the ship.
My all time favorite
What did the buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
The buddhist gives him a 20 and get his hotdog. He asks the vendor “where is my change?“ The vendor replies “change comes from within.“
The Buddhist responds by pulling his gun out from under his robes and says "This is my inner piece."
Best one so far
I hear you. I recently got fired from my job at the bank. Some old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.
I just lost my job at the watch factory. It's too bad, because it was a great job. I stood around all day and made faces.
I lost my job at a watch factory after tying a bunch on them together to make a belt. Management said it was a complete waist of time.
I lost my job at the towel factory; all the work dried up.
Hey man, I feel that. I just got fired from my job at the clock factory. Feels really bad after all those extra hours I put in.
Maybe OP could see themselves working in a mirror factory?
My first job was working in an orange juice factory. It was great until I got canned.
Then I tried becoming a butcher. Backed into the meat grinder one day and got a little behind in my work.
Hahaha! I just woke my dog laughing. Laughing gravy is his full name, actually.
"What do you call a guy with only a nose?"
A: "No body nose man"
adding this one to the fly, cow, deer joke list likely at the very end.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
“Get in the car.”
Robin: Batman, the batmobile won't start.
Batman: Check the battery.
Robin: What's a tery?
I hate that I laughed at this.
My favorite version of this goes:
"What did the orphan say to the other orphan?"
"Robin, get in the batmobile"
I legit laughed for 5 straight minutes
I heard this years ago and chuckled to myself for like 4 months afterwards.
Two wind turbines were standing on a wind farm… one asked the other “what is you favorite kind of music?” The other said “I’m a big metal fan.”
Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks
Couple days ago my son told me the "a guy walks into a bar. ouch" version of that. I was so proud.
Did your boss give you a container of coffee when they laid you off? That's grounds for termination.
But seriously, sorry about your job.
Dad: hey (child's name), did you hear about the kidnapping at your school today?
Child: no, (insert random question child asks about said kidnapping)
Dad: it's ok, they woke him/her up
This just gave my kid a panic attack.
My son (audibly) groaned when I told him this joke.....I almost peed myself laughing
Well if money is an issue I hear that there are several stores that give away dead batteries, free of charge
I have an invention idea. Its invisible velcro, but I just dont see it working
What do call a line of men waiting to get their hair cut?
A barber queue
What do you call a row of rabbits that take a step backwards? A receding hare line.
The best Dad Jokes are ones that you can throw out in a conversation. Here is one for any time someone is talking about Paris.
They still haven't caught thr person responsible for the fire in Notre Dame. *pause* .... but I hear one of the residents has a hunch.
I’ve got a great joke about a hat, but it’s over your head…
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
A man walks into a zoo to find only one animal. It was a small dog. It was a shih tzu.
Did you hear about the houses that fell in love?
It was a lawn distance relationship.
I’m so worried about my calendar… it’s days are numbered 😭
I understand how you feel. I used to be a trapeze artist…
But I was let go
Well, well, well. . . Three holes in the ground.
What sound does a witch’s car make?
How do you make a tissue dance??? Put a little boogie in it
Midget psychic escapes from prison, newspaper headline reads: SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE
That reminds me of how a steak pun is a rare medium well done.
You can pick your friends.
You can pick your nose.
But you can’t pick your friend’s nose!
(Actual joke my dad used to tell me when I was a kid. RIP John.)
Argh! There's an owl in here!
Who was the fattest man who sat at king Arthur's table? Sir Cumference, he acquired his size by eating to much pi.
Ended things with my communist girlfriend. Too many red flags.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Cuz if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployment... but none of them work.
It's a shame when your employment lets you down. But you know what you can always count on?
I asked Captain Hook why he decided to be a pirate, he said when he was in school all of his grades were below C level.
I heard the music for the popular video game Mortal Kombat has an old origin.....
It's based on a Finnish hymn.
I used to roll down hills in a tire.
Those were the Goodyear's...
Now that you will have some time, I'd like to suggest a book I've been reading about anti-gravity.
It's been impossible to put down.
In the US they call it a Booster Shot but in the UK they call it a Borcestershire Shot
That is the Worcestershire joke I have ever encountered…
I laughed even harder when I tried to pronounce Borces....
What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall?
When is a seagull not a seagull? When it flies over the bay, then it’s a bagel.
You know, for a while I was addicted to the hokey pokey. But then I turned myself around.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
A recession is when you lose your job; a depression is when I lose mine.
What’s the one product John Deere would never stand behind?
Did you hear about Edgar Allan Poe’s most recent story? Everyone’s been Raven about it
It was my understanding that everyone had heard.
[a well a bird bird bird. Bird is the word](https://youtu.be/G2LBIFQEr2M?t=27)
Oh god noo 😂
Be true to your teeth or they’ll be false to you.
(Seriously, everytime I get a haircut)
Wife: You got a haircut?
Me: No, I had them cut all of them.
What's the difference between a clown and an athletic rabbit?
One is a bit funny, the other is a fit bunny.
I know how you feel. I got laid off from my job at the unemployment office. The worst part was I still had to come in the next day.
A panda walks into a bar. Orders a burger. Eats burger, shoots out windows and leaves. The other patrons are stunned at the bartender’s nonchalance, and says “he’s a Panda! Look it up”. EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES. 😂😂😂
Have you heard about the 3 legged dog that walked into a saloon? He was looking for the guy that shot his paw.
Here's a few jokes
Did you hear about the tornado that went through the campground? It was a little intents
If a Fire type Pokemon owns a car, what does it say? Macargo fast
When I heard of the explosion, it blew my mind.
I saw a cow with no legs today.
I guess that's one way to get ground beef.
Life would be pointless without sharpening tools.
The Earth's rotation really makes my day
Congrats man, getting laid at work...
A man walks into a sperm bank. The doctor says, "Would you get a load of this guy?"
I threw a ball for my dog today. Some thought it was a little too extravagant, but he looks so good in a tuxedo
Not a Joke: Things will get better. You'll have to work to make them so, but never give up hope.
You lost your job, dont be sad
Because if you spell sad backwards it spells das
And das not good
I love this thread 🥰
I, for one, like Roman Numerals.
What do you call a Mermaid on toast?
What do you call a Deer with no eyes?
- No Ideer!
What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhino?
What do you get when you cross a Skunk with a Robot?
What do you get when you cross a Centipede with a Parrot?
- a Walkie Talkie
(Just a few my old boss used to dole out, hope this helps, things will get better soon!!)
Primates are my favorite animals. I go ape every time I see one.