T O P

Just got laid off at work (NOT A JOKE)

Just got laid off at work (NOT A JOKE)

sonny894

I spotted an albino dalmatian today. It was the least I could do.


JonEagle

Sorry I don't get it, can someone please explain?


Quittercricket

Spotted as in put some spots on the white dog


PewdsForPrez

I thought spotted as in spotted during a gym workout


giraffecause

If that's your thing...


Teminite2

This dog is having some mad gains


TimberWolfAlpha01

Albino Dalmatian: I have no spots, so I shall gain muscle mass. Random dude in the gym: I'll *spot* you buddy


1st10Amendments

In this joke, “spotted” is a verb meaning “to make something spotted” as opposed to meaning “saw.” The speaker says he painted spots on the albino Dalmatian to make it look as it should.


Far-Two8659

As a chemist, I only make dad jokes periodically.


heridfel37

What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium


morganlandt

Everyone cries when they argon.


conflateer

That is, if you can't curium or helium.


KungFeuss

I’d like to react but all my jokes argon.


vango_mex

I’d like to tell a joke about chemistry but I don’t think it will get a reaction.


rey_lumen

But helium jokes are always funny He He


m0nza9

I feel like we are bonding


IppeZiepe

I'd rather Bond than be Bohring.


sammack93

I had a salt joke to add here, but, na


batman1177

This joke contains the element of surprise


CcubswinS

Are you Oxygen Potassium bro?


VolensEtValens

What’s the difference between Iron Man and a Fe Male?


benno2077

Na bro, I think you meant sodium bromide


Beowulf1896

Are you positive?


Sonja42

I'm too noble to react to such a joke


lukinlbc

Usually they get no reaction.


MoonFlower97

oh my bad, am i boron you?


dodexahedron

This has an element of good comedy to it.


andersonfmly

I tried writing with a broken pencil today. It was pointless.


sfmqur

You want to know what else is pointless? Circles.


smrxxx

I’ve drawn many pointed circles.


CottonCandyLollipops

Draw a circle in a high enough dpi and you can zoom out to the point it's dot sized


dodexahedron

Hate to break it to you... but that's just not write.


elmonoenano

My daughter lost her pencil. She literally can't write now.


mpwhite75

A shovel, is a truly ground breaking invention


MadeUpNamePart2

Let us not forget it was the broom that swept the nation.


wonderboy_music

Don’t forget the light bulb. Praise the man who came up with that bright idea.


weezcat

And the engrossing gentleman who fastened metals. He was always riveting.


hewasnmbr1

The man who first designed chairs didn’t leave a leg for his competitors to stand on.


Embarrassed-Army3669

Wind turbines, big fan


WhoWhyWhatWhenWhere

What kind of music do windmills like? They are huge metal fans.


Excelsio_Sempra

You really should have a conversation about them, they just might blow you away


Yoshiofthewire

But first on how it's made. Historically Wheels were made of metal or wood. With the invention of air filled car tires the ride was revolutionized. The inflated rubber tires could better absorb the bumps on the road. And the invention of tread gave the tire serious traction.


TopHattedKirby

Im.sorry but I think out of all of these the whiteboard is the mist remarkable


Gynieinabottle

But you know what really counts? A calculator.


Beowulf1896

Rockets are out of this world.


CaveGnome

Typically, but sometimes they're really down to Earth.


rey_lumen

Well, glasses have seen much popularity too


Echo_Oscar_Sierra

Refrigeration is pretty cool


DominicThaEvangelist

Don’t you think shoes are the “sole” of America?


Moose908H

I would say I love my hose, all of them.


iMogwai

What did the Mexican firefighter name his sons? Hose A and Hose B. --- What did the drummer name his daughters? Anna One, Anna Two.


dexbasedpaladin

I have NEVER heard the drummer one. Thank you Gizmo!


StevenBeercockArt

Ha! That's buddy rich of you.


ruskee88

I like podiums. That's a product I can stand behind


StevenBeercockArt

Yeah, it really stands out among the crowd.


ldb477

As a farmer, I'm outstanding in my field.


throwawayfuckkratom

I guess you squash all of the competition


iAstro1969

That’s a little corny.


tangledwire

Yeah I’ve bean there also


JodiS1111

Hay


philosoaper

You really stepped up on the pedestal with that one.


UpAndAdamNP

Corduroy pillows are making headlines across the nation!


tafkat

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote. I was like, "This changes everything!" (Side note: I like to say this one out loud in stores all the time, just hoping I'm overheard and it brightens a random someone's day. I've never heard anyone laugh out loud but that's not the point anymore.)


Disastrous_Credit_67

The wheel is an invention that got around


spaycedinvader

Don't forget about the fan, it blows away the competition


AscariR

While the vacuum as an intention really sucks


Gingi0

Not as remarkable an invention as the dry-erase board.


ubcthrowaway-1981

But what about scissors? Cutting edge technology!


Revolutionary-Ice994

Those inventors were really sharp.


ChrisCWgulfcoast

No; of all the inventions ever: the dry erase board is clearly the most remarkable. EDIT: punctuation. It's still probably wrong


clocks212

I’m proud I finished a puzzle in just one day The box said 2-4 years


FelDreamer

This one’s going on my résumé.


FormerLurker3

I finished a thousand-piece puzzle in about an hour once. Didn’t taste very good though.


Mond_13

This reminds me. A guy from my highschool thought the weight displayed on baby diapers packages meant how much they held.....


flakman129

Kinda bummed that my favorite yard stick factory isn’t making them any longer.


Runswithbeertoo

meter either.


HugoZHackenbush2

Sorry for the job loss, I know what it feels like. This time last year I was working as a computer programmer installing auto correct, but out of nowhere.. ..they just fried me for no raisin.


Quinzii

I was genuinely like aw dang that's super unfortunate, but I read to the end so god damnit.


bettyannveronica

Your image is very fitting. This was great!


TicTocSick

Autocorrect has us all saying things we didn't Nintendo.


GilCosta_YVR

Hey OP, hope everything works out for you. If you're looking for qualification to go back out there, I would say that a lot of courses can open several doors, but locksmith definitely opens all of them.


innernationalspy

Who are you and how did you get in here!?


mrpunaway

I'm a locksmith and... I'm a locksmith.


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katieg1970

I like telling dad jokes. Sometimes I tell my mom jokes, too.


TheOtakuGamer64

I like telling dad jokes even though I don't have any children. I'm a bit of a faux pa.


DivesPater

[Garden path sentences](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garden-path_sentence)


Reloaded9mm

I don’t like telling dad jokes. He’s dead. Not really the life of the party.


C-Nor

Oh, well my father is currently being the cadaver at medical school. (Really, truly!) He's the class cutup.


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Trevorantifreeze

Hyphenated. Non-hyphenated. The Irony


rcg90

This might be too good to be a dad joke. Perhaps an English Teacher Joke?


Trevorantifreeze

I know but roll with it...


typeyhands

Irony: the opposite of wrinkly


mbod

Fuck this is good


seattled0g

All together is separated, but separated is all together.


ahaygood

Don't get it. Please explain.


Felf

The word hyphenated is non-hyphenated. The word non-hyphenated is hyphenated.


rando1221

Whats the best thing about Switzerland?? I dont know, but their flags a big plus!


VENoelle

Did you hear that Sting has gone missing? The Police have no lead.


Jackyboi9273

How'd they lose him? I thought they were always watching you.


Revolutionary-Ice994

Roxane is a suspect.


phonesmahones

Just bought a cheap wig. It was a small price toupee.


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jimmyjumpSW8

Why did the blind woman fall down the well? Because she couldn’t see that well


mentosbreath

I recently quit my job playing triangle in a rock band. It was just one ting after another.


Mr_A_Rye

The Norwegian military is installing barcodes on all of its battleships so when they return to port, they can easily Scandanavian.


the3rdlogan

I was on deployment in the artic and got to pull into port in Norway and we had Norwegian boats in port protecting us. One day after a beer call we were all standing on the flight deck of our ship smoking cigars and I pointed at the Norwegian boat and got the attention of a dozen people to look at the barcodes on the side of their boats. Everyone was confused. Then I dropped this line on them and they almost threw me off the ship.


gregzilla87

My all time favorite


Yogatoga1012

What did the buddhist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything. The buddhist gives him a 20 and get his hotdog. He asks the vendor “where is my change?“ The vendor replies “change comes from within.“


Tuxedo_Muffin

The Buddhist responds by pulling his gun out from under his robes and says "This is my inner piece."


AFB27

Best one so far


bahatumay

I hear you. I recently got fired from my job at the bank. Some old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.


heridfel37

I just lost my job at the watch factory. It's too bad, because it was a great job. I stood around all day and made faces.


Soul_in_Shadow

I lost my job at a watch factory after tying a bunch on them together to make a belt. Management said it was a complete waist of time.


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grannybubbles

I lost my job at the towel factory; all the work dried up.


JonSnowsGhost

Hey man, I feel that. I just got fired from my job at the clock factory. Feels really bad after all those extra hours I put in.


MeucciMouse

Maybe OP could see themselves working in a mirror factory?


[deleted]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory. It was great until I got canned. Then I tried becoming a butcher. Backed into the meat grinder one day and got a little behind in my work.


StevenBeercockArt

Hahaha! I just woke my dog laughing. Laughing gravy is his full name, actually.


mollymcbbbbbb

Ha!


AlexandraTheOkay

"What do you call a guy with only a nose?" A: "No body nose man"


Runswithbeertoo

adding this one to the fly, cow, deer joke list likely at the very end.


betterthanamaster

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? “Get in the car.”


hymie0

Robin: Batman, the batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery. Robin: What's a tery?


Quinzii

I hate that I laughed at this.


Haddas

My favorite version of this goes: "What did the orphan say to the other orphan?" "Robin, get in the batmobile"


its_ya_boi_wulf

I legit laughed for 5 straight minutes


bbp84

I heard this years ago and chuckled to myself for like 4 months afterwards.


maniamadd

Two wind turbines were standing on a wind farm… one asked the other “what is you favorite kind of music?” The other said “I’m a big metal fan.”


Need_no_Reddit_name

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks


indepndnt

Couple days ago my son told me the "a guy walks into a bar. ouch" version of that. I was so proud.


ticklingstrangers

Did your boss give you a container of coffee when they laid you off? That's grounds for termination. But seriously, sorry about your job.


Bearded_Wonder0713

Dad: hey (child's name), did you hear about the kidnapping at your school today? Child: no, (insert random question child asks about said kidnapping) Dad: it's ok, they woke him/her up


dragonfly_wings

This just gave my kid a panic attack.


Bearded_Wonder0713

My son (audibly) groaned when I told him this joke.....I almost peed myself laughing


khismyass

Well if money is an issue I hear that there are several stores that give away dead batteries, free of charge


dhwjdj

I have an invention idea. Its invisible velcro, but I just dont see it working


eleiele

What do call a line of men waiting to get their hair cut? A barber queue


klave7

What do you call a row of rabbits that take a step backwards? A receding hare line.


Matt_thatwrites

The best Dad Jokes are ones that you can throw out in a conversation. Here is one for any time someone is talking about Paris. They still haven't caught thr person responsible for the fire in Notre Dame. *pause* .... but I hear one of the residents has a hunch.


NicholasMirth

I’ve got a great joke about a hat, but it’s over your head…


nitrodamus

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.


CountingStax

A man walks into a zoo to find only one animal. It was a small dog. It was a shih tzu.


VisionInPlaid

Did you hear about the houses that fell in love? It was a lawn distance relationship.


NameisPending

I’m so worried about my calendar… it’s days are numbered 😭


spinning_bird_kick_

I understand how you feel. I used to be a trapeze artist… But I was let go


Reloaded9mm

Well, well, well. . . Three holes in the ground.


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Dreamin0904

What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom Broom


Augtron3030

How do you make a tissue dance??? Put a little boogie in it


Scruluce

Midget psychic escapes from prison, newspaper headline reads: SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE


mrpunaway

That reminds me of how a steak pun is a rare medium well done.


bamboo-harvester

You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. But you can’t pick your friend’s nose! (Actual joke my dad used to tell me when I was a kid. RIP John.)


MageKorith

Knock Knock Who's there? Who Who who? Argh! There's an owl in here!


dannyboy6657

Who was the fattest man who sat at king Arthur's table? Sir Cumference, he acquired his size by eating to much pi.


Gingi0

Ended things with my communist girlfriend. Too many red flags.


ikilledtupac

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Cuz if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.


sonny894

I have a lot of jokes about unemployment... but none of them work.


spaycedinvader

It's a shame when your employment lets you down. But you know what you can always count on? Your hands


gfy4dsny

I asked Captain Hook why he decided to be a pirate, he said when he was in school all of his grades were below C level.


TheKingOfRhye777

I heard the music for the popular video game Mortal Kombat has an old origin..... It's based on a Finnish hymn.


Yeahbut3

I used to roll down hills in a tire. Those were the Goodyear's...


Fin1205

Now that you will have some time, I'd like to suggest a book I've been reading about anti-gravity. It's been impossible to put down.


ThiccNiqq

In the US they call it a Booster Shot but in the UK they call it a Borcestershire Shot


rrjpinter

That is the Worcestershire joke I have ever encountered…


osocrazyyyyy

I laughed even harder when I tried to pronounce Borces....


heridfel37

What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall? Dam


SkipperBiff

When is a seagull not a seagull? When it flies over the bay, then it’s a bagel.


Pancakez9

You know, for a while I was addicted to the hokey pokey. But then I turned myself around.


Haqeeqee

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.


i8bagels

A recession is when you lose your job; a depression is when I lose mine.


Aftonian

What’s the one product John Deere would never stand behind? Manure spreader.


InspectorJavert620

Did you hear about Edgar Allan Poe’s most recent story? Everyone’s been Raven about it


Cazzyodo

It was my understanding that everyone had heard.


BluePhoenix79

Heard what?


wally32495

[a well a bird bird bird. Bird is the word](https://youtu.be/G2LBIFQEr2M?t=27)


pinkkittenfur

BRIAN DON'T!


vango_mex

Oh god noo 😂


TeeCott

Be true to your teeth or they’ll be false to you.


DecoherentDoc

(Seriously, everytime I get a haircut) Wife: You got a haircut? Me: No, I had them cut all of them.


chuckverde

What's the difference between a clown and an athletic rabbit? One is a bit funny, the other is a fit bunny.


eisaletterandanumber

I know how you feel. I got laid off from my job at the unemployment office. The worst part was I still had to come in the next day.


Rolltide_Jeune

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a burger. Eats burger, shoots out windows and leaves. The other patrons are stunned at the bartender’s nonchalance, and says “he’s a Panda! Look it up”. EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES. 😂😂😂


drchaos666

Have you heard about the 3 legged dog that walked into a saloon? He was looking for the guy that shot his paw.


WannaRunWithWolves

Here's a few jokes Did you hear about the tornado that went through the campground? It was a little intents If a Fire type Pokemon owns a car, what does it say? Macargo fast When I heard of the explosion, it blew my mind.


Red_Clay_Scholar

I saw a cow with no legs today. I guess that's one way to get ground beef.


modular-emergence

Life would be pointless without sharpening tools.


tosety

The Earth's rotation really makes my day


SwampFox525

Congrats man, getting laid at work...


wmd1234

A man walks into a sperm bank. The doctor says, "Would you get a load of this guy?"


TomH_squared

I threw a ball for my dog today. Some thought it was a little too extravagant, but he looks so good in a tuxedo


fivecats

Not a Joke: Things will get better. You'll have to work to make them so, but never give up hope.


vasDcrakGaming

You lost your job, dont be sad Because if you spell sad backwards it spells das And das not good


orchidsandcheesecake

I love this thread 🥰


morganlandt

I, for one, like Roman Numerals.


PansPizza

What do you call a Mermaid on toast? - Mermalaid! What do you call a Deer with no eyes? - No Ideer! What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhino? -El-if-ino! What do you get when you cross a Skunk with a Robot? -R2PU What do you get when you cross a Centipede with a Parrot? - a Walkie Talkie (Just a few my old boss used to dole out, hope this helps, things will get better soon!!)


PrisonMike1111

Primates are my favorite animals. I go ape every time I see one.