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watcrbender

I'm going to be honest. I think having kids is one of the very few things you need to be on board for 100%. you can't go back on having the kid and I feel like if you gave reservations then maybe you shouldn't. esp bc by your own admission in like 2 years you aren't going to want them anyways


SadIntroduction9807

I was more comfortable having kids when I knew I could afford a house but now with this economy I don’t know anymore. It’s like wanting to buy a new car when you know you have the down payment but then losing your job so you don’t buy the car. It’s not like you don’t want it anymore it’s just situations changed.


Aoeletta

The economy, the politics, and the climate are going to get worse. I *personally* see these as very valid reasons to not have children and so my husband and I are not going to.


sunnydaysahead2022

The economy and the climate are reasons I completely chose to not have children. I think it’s selfish to bring them into a situation where they couldn’t live full lives. After Covid and how moms were treated - no fucking thank you. Moms were shit on during Covid.


SadIntroduction9807

I completely agree. Woman were not treated kindly during the pandemic at all.


watcrbender

and the economy is not going to get better. there might be moments where it looks like it will but i really don't think it will for at best another 10 years. and even if it does the climate is 100% not getting better for another decade. i'm being serious - why would you want to bring kids into this world? bc its the correct thing to do? bc your bf wants to? bc you're feelign lost for what to do with the rest of your life? bc of something else? bc your reasoning matters. if you just wanna raise a kid why not look into adoption in the future (kid is already here)? is it because yall wanna bring your specific genetics into the world? why? i understand these questions are a lot but kids are A Lot. and serious factors to consider


SadIntroduction9807

If situations improve I would. I do want kids and no matter what if I did decide to have kids it would be a conscious choice because I have an IDU in. I made sure to set myself up for no mishaps. To avoid the exact reason you stated. I will not bring a child into this world unless I’m 100% ready. But let’s normalize being 50/50 on these decisions. Because it shows responsibility and that we care for the outcome.


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SadIntroduction9807

This is exactly what I meant! It’s not like I don’t want to have kids but I’ve come from a household where my parents worked ALL the time to keep a roof over our head. I don’t want that for my kids. I want to go to basket ball games, bike rides and be way more involved in my kids life than my parent were because they didn’t setup a good foundation. I guess it’s more if I can give my kids the life I feel like they deserve I don’t want to have them because I think that’s extremely selfish of me.


ginasaurus-rex

Without knowing how much debt you're in, it's hard to say whether you are in a good place financially, but my husband and I have a similar household income and I feel like we are set up to provide a really good life for our son. Look up the average cost of daycare in your city. If you can swing that plus a little extra every month while still contributing to retirement/savings, then you are better equipped than most people who are having children right now. Also I notice that most of your responses include the plural "kids." It's fine if you really really want multiple children, but keep in mind that having only one is also an option. Honestly, I was dead set on having 2 kids until I had my son. Now I feel content with our family the way it is, so we are likely one and done. I'm open to adopting in the future if we feel the need to grow our family, but we are very happy with our dynamic right now. We can focus our time, attention, and resources on him and probably give him more opportunities than if we had multiple kids.


TinyNerd86

I was listening to a podcast today with an advice writer and she says lists are great for stuff like this. It sounds really basic for something so important, but it can help you identify things like for example, what exactly is your question? Should I have kids *now*? Should I have kids *ever*? Should I start planning *now* to have kids in 2-3 years? That's the first step, figuring out the real question(s). Then, make a yes list and a no list. Write the things out and consider how important each thing is to you. Just because one list is longer doesn't mean it's the answer, the point is to get you really thinking about it. And writing it out by hand (paper and pen, not on your phone/computer) really helps you think and organize your thoughts better. Also, talk to your SO. Don't assume they're ready, even if you've talked about it in the past. Like you mention in your post, things and the world change, and sometimes our opinions shift on things as a result. Marriage (and parenthood, should you choose it) work best with honest and frequent communication, so just make sure you're keeping those lines open.


SadIntroduction9807

He told me he’s open to having a kid tomorrow because he knows that we would be able to handle it. However there is a big difference between sustaining and thriving. I am “surviving” in my own day to day life I don’t want to add a kid into the mix.


TinyNerd86

That's perfectly valid and the only reason you need to not have kids right now. I think what you need to decide then is whether or not you can be ready within your time frame, whether or not that time frame is flexible, and where your both you and your partner stand on everything *before* you get married. If it's something you really want to do, you can both make sure you're taking the right steps now to make it a possibility in the next 2-3+ years. It's a huge deal though, don't let him pressure you if you don't actually want to have kids. It's a perfectly valid choice to not have children, I feel like that doesn't get said enough.


ohhowyousmile

this one comes from your gut, do you want that child? remember you’ll have to take them no matter what if you say yes, that means disabilities yes, disfigured yes or of course perfect yes. we can only choose if we want a child but not the child we get, make sure you’re enthusiastic no matter what if the answer is yes


a201597

I would probably communicate with my partner on this one. Having a child is an inherently selfish act. You’re bringing someone into this world because you want them here. You have to be prepared to be selfless and give them everything they need. If I were you’d I’d do a budget break down with your partner to see if you can afford a child. It sounds like if you won a million dollars or got a raise so you could more easily afford some stability you would want a child. I think that’s reasonable but you have to explain to your partner what stability looks like to you so they understand that there are goals you want to reach before then and aren’t just stringing them along for no reason. For example, my fiancé doesn’t see a house as a “need” when having a child and I do. I personally don’t want a child until we have a house, are married and I make enough that we can either afford childcare or he can stay home (which is what he wants). Also having kids at 30 is not that old. If you’re 33 when you have one you’re 53 when they’re 20. You can probably still travel, be healthy and independent at that age for another like 10, 15, 20 years even.


Ann3Nym

What I immediately wanted to ask you: Do you want children? As in: Can you imagine a life without them? The thing with children is: It's ALWAYS a bad decision financially. Parents will do everything to make it work. People who want children give very little thought on whether they should. They might try to prepare for some time but if that doesn't work out, they eventually still get children. And here is the elephant in the room: If your boyfriend wants children, that's his stance. If you don't want children, you need to tell him asap!


HeatherandHollyhock

I feel like this is so important. Nobody in their right mind decides to have children if they try to make it some rational pro and con thing. They are a huge responsibility, consume loads of time and energy, your whole life gets turned over! ... you have children because you can't live without them if you want to have them.


cnc_314

This is perfectly valid and also worth considering that motherhood takes a significant financial impact on the woman, specifically. 28 is not old, now would be a perfectly reasonable time to have serious conversations and think hard about whether a baby in 2-3 years is in your shared plan!


CV2nm

As a woman with fertility issues who wanted to push back kids another 5 years, all I advise to anyone looking to push it back more is to have a fertility work up done to make sure you have the time and everything is working as it should. It's not expensive and it can help you gauge on idea of your current fertility and put more confidence in your choice


Gloomyberry

If you both are feeling like struggling in this economy (like the majority of us) then who's gonna take care of the baby? You? Even with family support ,one of you probably will have to stop working for a extended period of time, are your finance ready for that blow? Because it will not only stop perceiving some part of the collective income, but also will come a raise in spending bills. A lot of people still manage to live through it, I believe that's the norm, but they can't indulge in "unnecessary" bills and have to live from paycheck to paycheck. It's not easy, but a lot of people already live like that in the same circumstances that you exposed plus the baby. So my solid advice is to check is you really want to get pregnant and to discuss the consequences of it with your bf because it's not a thing of "I'm the woman and I'm getting old so I have to make the call for us"; also men's quality and quantity of sperm count decrease with age, raising the chances of genetic issues, don't let yourself be the only been pressure by time/age.


pretty_dead_grrl

As someone who loves children but never wanted her own, I literally always try to dissuade ppl from having them. But in all seriousness, if you aren’t 100% yes on having kids, then don’t do it. You need to think about this in a big picture kind of way. Do you or your boyfriend have congenital health issues? Does anyone on either side have any autoimmune disorders, because those will likely be passed down. You have to think about the possibility that your child may have health issues or be on the spectrum (and I’m not saying it’s a bad thing) because it will affect how you’re able to live your life. Then you have to think about the day to day. Endless laundry, sleepless nights, kid germs, lice outbreaks at their school, do you even want to send your kid to school in a country where we have shit laws on gun control. It’s not an easy decision and I’ve seen a lot of friends regret their decision. I don’t know if anyone suggested it but have you read through r/regretfulparents ?


DPDoctor

My mother, who was 36 when she had me, always said, "When in doubt, don't." You sound like you know your answer already - it's fine to wait - but just need reassurance that your decision is a good one. So consider yourself reassured. Your decision is a good one. My best friend waited until she was 39 to have a child. She and her husband were then both on board 100% and had the stability to manage a child. As you know, having a child is likely the most life-altering event you can have, so wait until you know you're ready. :)


Truckyou666

Plants are the new pets, pets are the new kids and kids are kind of like exotic animals now a days.


SadIntroduction9807

I can admit I do not have a green thumb


Knightmare560

Don’t have a kid. Adopt doggies


SadIntroduction9807

I already have two lol


Knightmare560

Then that’s enough lol


HeatherandHollyhock

Kids have been raised across time in every and all circumstances. They can suffer in a wealthy home and they can thrive in a poor home and vice versa. The real question is: do you want to raise a Kid? It is one of those things that should imo only be done if you *want* it. Because you won't be a good parent if you don't. And they don't come with a refund period. Reading your Post, it seems to me, like you are listing reasons to *justify* not having kids. But you don't have to have reasons at all. If you don't want them, don't have them. If you really want them you will find a way to provide for them and fill their lives with love. If your fiance wants kids and you don't it would be kinder to let him go and have them with someone else.


giggleboxx3000

Please stop wasting your partner's time. He deserves someone who wants kids just as much as he does. You may gave to let him go to find that, OP.


Mother_Astronaut

I couldn't have kids. I would go for it. If people only had kids when conditions were perfect for doing so, almost no one would have kids. I understand things could get rough, but you're already working on paying off debt (very smart) and smart people need to have kids. That income will go a long way towards a house once your debt is gone (of course, I have no idea how much debt you have and it's not my business, and your timeline is your own.) I wish you the best of luck, whatever decision you arrive at


panamanianprincess97

That's also the reasons why I don't want kids bc of the economy its been super hard recently and I'm holding off onto having kids to the point where I don't want kids. My bf and I want to get married but we are 50/50 on having kids.


JDG_AHF_6624

Life is never guaranteed to be ideal, have children