By - Newhereeeeee
Really think this isn’t the case
Is your father abusing you?
No, I don’t think he can. I’m grown a man, with my own money, and survived for years without him. I just need a place to stay while I find a job.
Do you feel he's questioning your manhood
Omg everything you wrote sounds similar to stuff I’ve heard from other Somali parents. His lack of emotional intelligence seems to stem from the trauma tbh. There’s a thing about extreme trauma keeping people stuck at the age they were when they experienced it. He seems like even though he’s managed to do things for himself over the years, he’s still reliving it in a way by emotionally never aging past the age he was then.
And don’t let him make you feel guilty for having it better than he did - it’s a good thing your life doesn’t mirror his but you’ll have experiences or traumas that are unique to you, esp since ur on this subreddit, i’m sure you do have those. Don’t feel bad and you’re fully valid in your anger.
With that being said, harboring this resentment for him will only do harm for you than good. Acknowledge his shortcomings, distance yourself if you need to and go from there. Being around him all the time might cause you to regress in your healing so I would 100% suggest moving away if you haven’t already. And I wish you the best, walaalo.
You're absolutely right that this is trauma. Unfortunately, in our community, trauma is allowed to fester because there are no helpful outlets. In my own local Somali community, I've seen trauma manifest as psychosis, insomnia, schizophrenia, severe depression, and also in the way you describe, either through religious re-indoctrination or simply by fake bravado. I don't really have anything useful to say to you; many of us are going through the same things and are trying to untangle the complicated relationships we have with our absent/shitty fathers. I don't speak to mine, so I'm not going to be a hypocrite and tell you to forgive and forget, as if that'll solve any issues. What I will say is, this seems to be having an important enough impact on you that you've written a post about it, and maybe there's something to unpack there. Your current relationship and feelings towards your father is clearly not healthy for YOU, and maybe it's important that you do some of your own self-care and introspection to be able to resolve those feelings. Best of luck.
Yeah, I didn’t speak to him for years either. I just moved back to Canada and needed a place to stay until I find work and then I’m leaving again. Your point about how trauma develops is right tbh. He’s definitely schizophrenic
I hate to say it, but it seems like you are the one that has issues. From what I read, and your responses to others, you seem to lack empathy.
Almost every parent globally tries to instill resilience, hard work, determination in their children.
Sure, we all have heard the stereotypical "When I was your age, I walked 30 miles one way to school without shoes being stalked by lions" exaggerations. We will roll our eyes at times.
But it is up to you to be emotionally intelligent to just ignore it or laugh inside or whatever. Yes, your dad went through rough times and most of us can relate as our parents say the same.
Look at the intent, not just actions. And guess what....if you decide to have kids, I guarantee you you'll likely say the same things if you see struggling or non-resilient thinking on their behalf.
You’re assuming that he’s trying to instil that with no ulterior motives. Everything he does is transactional, it always has been. This is just to guilt trip me because I’m looking for a job and he wants me to work in a specific field I don’t want to work in. Because he wants me to make as much money as possible because he thinks he’ll be getting it. It’s all transactional. I have empathy which is why I pity him. You’re speaking with an actual decent human being in mind. He’s only telling me this to guilt me into doing what he wants.
I feel like many people are reading your post but because you’ve given no further context to things he actually does that hurts, they’re just gonna paint you as the bad guy.
I’m sure you’re not the bad guy though, you tried to summarise his bad traits by saying he’s the typical dad that’s been shared on here many times but humans need actual context to draw conclusions from, for stories like these we sadly don’t know how to fill in the blanks 😩
Did your dad abuse you? What’s evil about him?
Is he telling you his life story to berate you and put you down or to make himself feel good? I feel sorry for him, he at least does not have an addiction and has a job. If they didnt glorify their suffering, then they will have to be angry at their parents and in our culture and religion parents can do no wrong. Hate is a powerful feeling, its not clear why you hate him.
You’re exactly right. I think a lot of their issues would be solved if they questioned the things they deem as unquestionable.
He struggled living in refugee camp so that you get a better life now that you look down on him says enough about you and how you pay back those that were there for you in your time of need I bet you are the type that is surrounded by fake people coz u ain't better than them anyways
Great, I didn’t ask to be born and I didn’t ask him to do all that. So where do we go from here.
The only way we go from here is that your kid will do the same thing or worse
If they do because I’m the same type of person he is, then it’s my fault and I accept that’s how it’s going to be. I’d deserve that.
What kind of abuse did he suffer in Saudi Arabia?
Work related abuse, as a labourer
I think this apply to only a minority Somali parents. My grandmother died after childbirth and my Father was born while my grandfather was at Kismayo. So for 3 months straight he lived with his aunts in dire conditions. My father told me this not to flex his past but quite literally to compare how much of a better life quality I have compared to him. Witnessing the birth and fall of the Kacaanist regime himself. I think this is used more to encourage foreign born Somalis in the west to peruse better lives knowing the opportunities they have. I feel sorry for your father and what he went through
I don’t doubt that at all. What I’m speaking about is my experience and not the experience of every single Somali person. He tells me this not to motivate me, but to guilt trip into working a field he wants me to work just because he thinks it makes more money and he’ll get the money. It’s transactional. It is always transactional. To the point where I refuse if he asks me if I want to order food even if I’m starving because I know he’ll hold that little thing over my head. It’s transactional man nothing more.
i’d say he’s commendable to an extent. seems a little inspiring the way he’s able to beat the odds despite the circumstances. he takes pride in that. idk about him supporting his dad seems a little idiotic but besides that he probably is annoying because he shoves that shit down your throat. hearing those stories get old after awhile. so i’d say that you should tell him to fuck off.
oh yeah thought you were a brit bonger the way you spelled your words. what’s up neighbor to the north.
I think he uses it for guilt tripping purposes
Why do you feel he’s trying to guilt trip you?
Because he wants me to work in a field he wants me to work in because he’s delusional enough to think me and my siblings are going to support him when he retires. We’ve all agreed we want nothing to do with him and we’re all ditching him as soon as possible.
I am not talking about this post specifically but in general about Somali parents
Guys don’t blame your fathers,they came from country that was in civil war, and probably he wasn’t educated like you , and he did what everyone around him doing which is get money have family, I believe that most our fathers think the same and tried to raise you the way they raised and what they learned from their parents and community, and I think my father wasn’t the best but he did his best .
Sorry about my English .
I don’t blame him, I pity him. I don’t get angry anymore there’s no point. I understand him more than he understands himself and that’s the issue. He’s incapable of processing his trauma.
He went through all of that so you can complain on Reddit in a first world country in the comfort of his home. I don’t see the problem. Yes his life is tragic but your life could have also been like that had he not went through what he did to make it where ever it is you are
Yes. I’m sure he did all that for me, his unborn kids in mind. Grow up man. If that was the case, and he stayed in Somalia; I would’ve lived the exact same life and been just like him and I’d be a horrible person who went through trauma as well. They moved and went through all that for themselves. I’d respect him if he was trying to motivate me not gaslight me with his struggles.
You are qasaaro. You show no understanding and treat your father with disrespect. Trauma or not, it’s still a struggle and he is glad he pulled it off. I respect your dad for supporting and forgiving his dad. Your dad is a real man and you are a big time qasaaro who show no empathy or love to his father.
Why don't you tell him when you hear his stories, it bothers you because of how sad they are? You can say he lacks emotional intelligence and he may put on act like he doesn't understand, but he will know you react negatively to it and will have to consider that. What has your father done for you to resent him? Was he abusive to you? You should tell him what you really think and feel about him. It will allow him to understand he needs to treat you with respect if he wishes to engage with you. If he is acting out the same trauma he experienced, he may realize from how you and your siblings react to him how wrong he is. Anyways, my advice is to be honest.... Don't spend life secretly resenting him and let him die thinking he did right by ya'll.
Man, he has so many mental issues that it’s genuinely not possible to talk to him openly. We’ve all given up on him and just pretend so he doesn’t lose his shit. He’s way beyond reason. All this story telling is just to get me to work in a field he thinks will make the most money so he can take money from me. Nothing more. Trying to speak to him will only get a good response verbally “you’re my son” blah blah blah and then get a completely opposite reaction.
I’ve never never worked in Canada before and the first thing he did when I got to Canada was take me out to dinner and was like “tomorrow we’ll go to the tax man, and we’ll get thousands in tax returns. I took your sister, we got money from tax returns but she’s greedy, she took it for herself, you’re not like that and tomorrow we’ll go” he was going to get me into some dodgy tax dealings on my first night just so he could make some money. I’m sorry people defending him don’t know him and are the ones lacking empathy not me.
People shitting on me but they understand how lost he is and how transactional everything is with him. He’ll come back and demand every single action or penny spent with interest.
If those are the issues then I would say you should be gentler with your father. He is likely acting this way because his brain is sick and not functioning normally; it is not something he can help or control. You understand that he has been through traumatic experiences in life that could have contributed to or caused his illness(es). You shouldn't judge his actions so harshly. I understand it is having a negative effect on you so I suggest getting together with your siblings and staging an intervention to get him some professional help. People who are mentally ill are sometimes unaware of it and do not realize how they effect people. Despite being sick, and going through what he did, your father worked to provide for you and your family. There are so many deadbeat dads who are healthy and do nothing for their kids. PLEASE get him some help and find some empathy for him. You may come to realize he's not a bad person when he gets healthy.
You’re really viewing this through the lens of a normal person. He doesn’t believe in therapy. He wanted my sister to not even get medication for her mental health problems that he obviously is the root cause of. There’s no helping this guy. An intervention will only lead to kind words that turn into much more aggressive actions.
Does he realize he has mental problems though? If not, have you guys told him? I'm sorry to hear about your sister. She should definitely get the help she needs. Do your siblings still live with your father? A lot of the older gen are uneducated about mental health unfortunately. I think you should get a therapist to help sort out your emotions and so should your sister. You can also seek advice from a therapist on how to help your father and how you should approach him. Best of luck.
He doesn’t know, even if we tell him he would consider it disrespectful to even think he has mental health issues
Why did his dad kick him out at 7? Was he from a rural family and they couldn’t afford him? Plus I heard If your from a major clan it’s was impossible to be homeless back then most likely he was selling fruit for his aunt or uncle in the city
His dad apparently kicked him out at 7 and he was forced to live with distant relatives. His dad is still having babies till this day just racking up wives. At one point I was in my twenties and had a new born uncle.
Maybe he wants your support so he can ask have young wives and Fresh kids lol
Yup, my mom passed away 5 years ago and he wants to go to Somalia soon, and we all know his going to look for some poor young Somali girl from the village to exploit.
Then don’t financially support him
He can support himself, he’ll want support in the future to help raise his kids. No way I’m supporting him. The guy barely supported us growing up. My mom worked her socks off while he would barely send any money. We all suspected he had a second family ages ago
Does he have a second family?
He could be having a business back home or giving it to relatives
Bro you should be lucky you have a father some Somalis grew up without a father be happy with what you have