somali/african parents usually don't understand things like boundaries or privacy so you have to be straight with them and let them know you can't visit as often
The only thing that helped with me was time and space. When I moved out, it took a few months for me and my mom to start speaking again and we did start speaking again, we slowly got back on to good terms. I think losing me helped her realize that being so overbearing was only pushing me away and I have noticed that she’s slowly started changing her parenting style with my younger siblings for the better.
My advice is start acting like you’re the one in charge. Sometimes our kind of parents need to be parented. You’ve already made the step of moving out, when they want to hang out but you can’t/don’t want to, tell them you’re busy. I know it’s hard but it’s up to you to set those boundaries. If you’re parents are anything like mine, they will slowly start to accept those boundaries and maybe even understand you a little more as a person. But you have to be firm with the boundaries. Obviously things won’t change overnight, me and my mother still have huge arguments, but she has learned to respect my adult choices and respect my boundaries.
I wish you luck on your journey to making peace with your parents and hope my advice works if you follow it. I know how hard it can be, I spent many nights crying about it.
Thanks, this was really useful - I agree about having to make the boundaries FIRM as opposed to me feeling bad and wanting to accommodate them more before.
I would tell then how they make me feel and limit contact even by phone untill they change their behaviour.
Also try to learn techniques (r/stoicism , meditation) to try and not react to their horrible ways. Not always easy, but you can be successful many times by remembering you usually have the power to control your emotions when it comes to reacting to them.
If they don't change, don't interact with them. Life is too short to deal with negative stimuli.
You don't need to be respectful to people who are abusing you so forget that. This is probably the obstacle you are facing. Never tolerate abuse. If your parents are emotionally blackmailing you via WhatsApp for example , tell them that what they are doing is abuse, and if they don't stop, you will block them. You then need to follow through or your words will be seen as meaningless. I appreciate it's difficult for them but it's not like it's a walk in the park for us either.
She wants a healthy relationship with her parents. She doesn’t want to “block” them, as it’ll cause more pain. You’re just putting more coal into a burning fire.
So she should just let her mother drive her crazy? What about the pain that is being caused by the mother ? If she can put boundaries in without blocking her, she should go ahead and do that. My main point was that she needs to do whatever is necessary to put in place boundaries. I also speak from personal experience.
I’ll be honest, you’re going about this the wrong way.
This has nothing to do with Islam at the core, only on the surface.
The energy you’re giving is too accommodating. They feel this and that’s why you’re still at square one.
As for your parents, as much as they love you, they’re human. It is their wounded, human ego that’s causing you problems. This isn’t about being a victim or a villain. It’s about traumatised people projecting onto each other.
So you can’t give off accommodating energy because there’s nothing to accommodate, no middle ground to reach. This is not a democracy
You have to be a dictator when it comes to your boundaries, minus the abusive part. (Verbally or physically)
No courts. No trying to hear the other side.
Boundaries are for you and you alone.
Be a brick wall with your energy. That’s the only way to make sure nobody can get through.
I agree this isn't about Islam at all! It's very much about navigating boundaries and struggling with my ability to see their generational trauma ("their parents were less nice to them than they were were me so they're at a loss as to how to behave and if they failed as parents") and wanting to hold my parents hands through their emotions even when their expressions are very hurtful to me. I think at this point imagining the brick wall is actually super helpful, thank you!
Tell them you’ve converted to Buddhism. A lot of times, Muslim parents think atheism or agnosticism means you no longer believe in morals or that you have no morals. They want to know you believe in something so just tell them you’re a convert. Buddhism is the closest religion to atheism and it’s the best way to describe atheism while still pretending to have a “religion”. If that makes sense. This is my opinion for now just cause you don’t want to hear any real criticism but your parents are being very abusive and it’s not ok. Maybe you should slowly try to accept that hard reality too.
Hey
First, I think it's commendable that you want to have a healthy and respectful relationship with your parents. That's a better and mature attitude to have than to just cut them off. It WILL be difficult but your mental health will thank you for it.
Maybe clarify with them that your decisions were set through observations and a lot of time contemplating? Tell them to pray for you (they believe in it, even if you don't) and that speaking to you about it isn't working, but having the opposite effect.
Then, when they unevitably continue, let them. Enjoy your time with your dad outside of those talks. Plan days with your mom. Let them know that you're still the same person and your commitments to them as a child haven't changed. Often, that is ONE of the many fears they have. That they lost their kid. Trust me, the fact that your parents care enough to TRY already makes them different from 75% of our parents.
You're not winning a philosiphical argument with them. Get that out of your head right now. YOU ARE NOT WINNING IT. Don't raise your expectations. Accept it. Learn to deal with. Find a person to rant to, vent on the internet, get a therapist, take up hobbies, change the subject etc. This will curb your frustrations with them.
Remember that you only have a few decades with them in your life. Then they are nothing but the memories you had. Learn to balance your independence with your duty to them as their child. No one can force you to do anything and you already have the independence to do whatever you like. But don't cut them off or else you'll be spending most of your lonely time on reddit bitterly telling people who value family that they don't 'need' anyone who won't fully accept their beliefs and hasn't caught up with the times yet.
Godspeed.
Full transparency- I'm a Muslim
Thanks for your comment, I remember you commenting on one of my old posts. I'd say the difficulty at the moment is they made me feel like me setting boundaries about not arguing about religion was "cutting them off", when the reality was they were refusing to speak to me normally if I wasn't engaging with them about religion. So as much as I want to enjoy my time with them, I think first I have to set boundaries in absolute stone so they stop trying to use silence as a control tactic themselves.
When I first came home without hijab all my family reacted. My mom made it seem like she was going to die from high blood pressure and a heart attack and she’s the healthiest woman I know… healthier than me lol. I spent years getting hounded and guilted, but I remained steady and didn’t give in a inch. When you give an inch, they take a mile. If you budge, that means you’re rewarding their pestering and it will get worse.
If your family loves you, they will tolerate it. You just have to stick with your boundaries. Set your foot down, tell them you’re not budging, grow some thick skin and live your life. If they continue to act up, leave and get your own space then see them on your terms.
My family now invites me over for Ramadan to break fast knowing I don’t fast or even pray. They’re just happy to spend time. Things will get better for you with time.
Thanks, this was actually super super helpful and I think one of the most useful comments. I'm going to be firmly telling them my visiting boundary soon and dealing with the emotional outburst.
You can't save someone from hell through crossing the social boundaries they express with you. You can try to force someone physically and through guilt to do everything you want them to do but that will never convince them in their heart - it will just show them that you are not a safe person to talk to or express themselves with.
somali/african parents usually don't understand things like boundaries or privacy so you have to be straight with them and let them know you can't visit as often
The only thing that helped with me was time and space. When I moved out, it took a few months for me and my mom to start speaking again and we did start speaking again, we slowly got back on to good terms. I think losing me helped her realize that being so overbearing was only pushing me away and I have noticed that she’s slowly started changing her parenting style with my younger siblings for the better. My advice is start acting like you’re the one in charge. Sometimes our kind of parents need to be parented. You’ve already made the step of moving out, when they want to hang out but you can’t/don’t want to, tell them you’re busy. I know it’s hard but it’s up to you to set those boundaries. If you’re parents are anything like mine, they will slowly start to accept those boundaries and maybe even understand you a little more as a person. But you have to be firm with the boundaries. Obviously things won’t change overnight, me and my mother still have huge arguments, but she has learned to respect my adult choices and respect my boundaries. I wish you luck on your journey to making peace with your parents and hope my advice works if you follow it. I know how hard it can be, I spent many nights crying about it.
Thanks, this was really useful - I agree about having to make the boundaries FIRM as opposed to me feeling bad and wanting to accommodate them more before.
I would tell then how they make me feel and limit contact even by phone untill they change their behaviour. Also try to learn techniques (r/stoicism , meditation) to try and not react to their horrible ways. Not always easy, but you can be successful many times by remembering you usually have the power to control your emotions when it comes to reacting to them. If they don't change, don't interact with them. Life is too short to deal with negative stimuli.
You don't need to be respectful to people who are abusing you so forget that. This is probably the obstacle you are facing. Never tolerate abuse. If your parents are emotionally blackmailing you via WhatsApp for example , tell them that what they are doing is abuse, and if they don't stop, you will block them. You then need to follow through or your words will be seen as meaningless. I appreciate it's difficult for them but it's not like it's a walk in the park for us either.
She wants a healthy relationship with her parents. She doesn’t want to “block” them, as it’ll cause more pain. You’re just putting more coal into a burning fire.
So she should just let her mother drive her crazy? What about the pain that is being caused by the mother ? If she can put boundaries in without blocking her, she should go ahead and do that. My main point was that she needs to do whatever is necessary to put in place boundaries. I also speak from personal experience.
I’ll be honest, you’re going about this the wrong way. This has nothing to do with Islam at the core, only on the surface. The energy you’re giving is too accommodating. They feel this and that’s why you’re still at square one. As for your parents, as much as they love you, they’re human. It is their wounded, human ego that’s causing you problems. This isn’t about being a victim or a villain. It’s about traumatised people projecting onto each other. So you can’t give off accommodating energy because there’s nothing to accommodate, no middle ground to reach. This is not a democracy You have to be a dictator when it comes to your boundaries, minus the abusive part. (Verbally or physically) No courts. No trying to hear the other side. Boundaries are for you and you alone. Be a brick wall with your energy. That’s the only way to make sure nobody can get through.
I agree this isn't about Islam at all! It's very much about navigating boundaries and struggling with my ability to see their generational trauma ("their parents were less nice to them than they were were me so they're at a loss as to how to behave and if they failed as parents") and wanting to hold my parents hands through their emotions even when their expressions are very hurtful to me. I think at this point imagining the brick wall is actually super helpful, thank you!
Sorry for the late response. Yes love, you’ll be fine. It’s about saying “I love you but I said what I said” and being firm with it.
Tell them you’ve converted to Buddhism. A lot of times, Muslim parents think atheism or agnosticism means you no longer believe in morals or that you have no morals. They want to know you believe in something so just tell them you’re a convert. Buddhism is the closest religion to atheism and it’s the best way to describe atheism while still pretending to have a “religion”. If that makes sense. This is my opinion for now just cause you don’t want to hear any real criticism but your parents are being very abusive and it’s not ok. Maybe you should slowly try to accept that hard reality too.
Hey First, I think it's commendable that you want to have a healthy and respectful relationship with your parents. That's a better and mature attitude to have than to just cut them off. It WILL be difficult but your mental health will thank you for it. Maybe clarify with them that your decisions were set through observations and a lot of time contemplating? Tell them to pray for you (they believe in it, even if you don't) and that speaking to you about it isn't working, but having the opposite effect. Then, when they unevitably continue, let them. Enjoy your time with your dad outside of those talks. Plan days with your mom. Let them know that you're still the same person and your commitments to them as a child haven't changed. Often, that is ONE of the many fears they have. That they lost their kid. Trust me, the fact that your parents care enough to TRY already makes them different from 75% of our parents. You're not winning a philosiphical argument with them. Get that out of your head right now. YOU ARE NOT WINNING IT. Don't raise your expectations. Accept it. Learn to deal with. Find a person to rant to, vent on the internet, get a therapist, take up hobbies, change the subject etc. This will curb your frustrations with them. Remember that you only have a few decades with them in your life. Then they are nothing but the memories you had. Learn to balance your independence with your duty to them as their child. No one can force you to do anything and you already have the independence to do whatever you like. But don't cut them off or else you'll be spending most of your lonely time on reddit bitterly telling people who value family that they don't 'need' anyone who won't fully accept their beliefs and hasn't caught up with the times yet. Godspeed. Full transparency- I'm a Muslim
Thanks for your comment, I remember you commenting on one of my old posts. I'd say the difficulty at the moment is they made me feel like me setting boundaries about not arguing about religion was "cutting them off", when the reality was they were refusing to speak to me normally if I wasn't engaging with them about religion. So as much as I want to enjoy my time with them, I think first I have to set boundaries in absolute stone so they stop trying to use silence as a control tactic themselves.
When I first came home without hijab all my family reacted. My mom made it seem like she was going to die from high blood pressure and a heart attack and she’s the healthiest woman I know… healthier than me lol. I spent years getting hounded and guilted, but I remained steady and didn’t give in a inch. When you give an inch, they take a mile. If you budge, that means you’re rewarding their pestering and it will get worse. If your family loves you, they will tolerate it. You just have to stick with your boundaries. Set your foot down, tell them you’re not budging, grow some thick skin and live your life. If they continue to act up, leave and get your own space then see them on your terms. My family now invites me over for Ramadan to break fast knowing I don’t fast or even pray. They’re just happy to spend time. Things will get better for you with time.
Thanks, this was actually super super helpful and I think one of the most useful comments. I'm going to be firmly telling them my visiting boundary soon and dealing with the emotional outburst.
Your welcome! Good luck and make sure you take care of yourself and your emotions as well.
What boundaries would YOU not cross to save your child from Literal Hell?
You can't save someone from hell through crossing the social boundaries they express with you. You can try to force someone physically and through guilt to do everything you want them to do but that will never convince them in their heart - it will just show them that you are not a safe person to talk to or express themselves with.
There’s no such thing as hell. What are you on about? 🤦🏻♀️
I agree but There is for the believer