T O P

Pumpkin spice.

Pumpkin spice.

snazzisarah

What’s even the point of getting married if you can’t make inappropriate sexual jokes/puns with each other? Bonus points if you do one when they can’t respond (like on a work call) and you get to watch as they try to stifle their laughter.


Couthster

My wife always tells me she didn’t know how to roll her eyes until she met me. Lol


sm1ttysm1t

Yeah, get it.


juandic24

ah, the good ol’ r/mdma


tofuandvegantendies

My husband and I do not have this. He is my best friend but we’ve never been the type of people to make inappropriate jokes as it was, so it would be forced to do it now. He does make mad corny jokes and I always ask, “Do you feel good about that?” He does.


Lrv130

"Do you feel good about that?" Is an absolutely savage response and you better believe I am going to use it.


tofuandvegantendies

Haha he started using it on me too so be careful!


Jade-Balfour

You say it’s savage, but whenever my partner says that I feel incredibly proud


NotJustAmy

My husband likes to make inappropriate jokes at the absolute worst and most awkward times. He forged an unlikely bond with our reproductive endocrinologist who.....also likes to make inappropriate jokes at the worst times, but most of the time cannot because she’s a professional. And fertility treatments provide many many opportunities to make inappropriate jokes. They will make great stories when our kids are old enough to understand and appreciate dirty humor. And the retelling of these same jokes will itself provide even more awkward moments that we can share with our children. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.


Crocodilly_Pontifex

You can't just say all that and not give an example of the jokes.


Temperature-Material

Yes. Like the other commenter. I need jokes!


[deleted]

[удалено]


nrealistic

I’m glad you’re happy, but I think it’s pretty normal to not enjoy other people’s farts


CheshireGrin92

My friends dad said he knew his daughter had found the one when he openly made short jokes in front of her parents.


kingcrabmeat

Yes this is the goal


Globularist

The dad got out dad-joked


peggyrodman7835

The best kind of coffee on the market


FirstDayJedi

*Gwyneth Paltrow has entered the chat*


NibiruIsNear

Legit lol'd at that. TY


PMme_slave_leia_pics

Don’t touch this comment. It’s sitting perfect at 69. Edit: they touched it. Fucking children.


LordFLExANoR16

Now it’s 96 tho


irishcrowe

Now it’s -6!!!


BadkyDrawnBear

Speaking as a gay man Ewwww pumpkin spice...


snafujedi01

So uncivilized.


redpandarox

*So basic


Mobile-Garbage6534

Wait is there something wrong with pumpkin spice? I love it so much


[deleted]

[удалено]


scottyfoxy

Yo this is a Wendy's


KastaStray

Fuck this person! And the twat that decided to drop him here.


BadkyDrawnBear

Just from the lackadaisical way you copy this response and paste in different subs, I can tell that you are a lazy bum.


Kaidono222

it’s a copypasta my guy


ApocalyptoSoldier

Hm no, very unwise


FieryBlake

Ah yes, fresh elneeeeee copypasta


Varhtan

This is certainly not lackadaisical. A thoroughly enjoyable comment. So true too.


B00FtheCH33SEgr0m1t

Punani spice


MyJelloJiggles

r/brandnewsentence


NibiruIsNear

Did he take her up on it?


Bryyyysen

This dude really just asked for crotch-spilled coffee cleanup erotica...


LastOneSergeant

- The Barista always spills twice - A tale of two bean grinders - Her first Venti - Affogato Summer - Espresso for three - Mistress Macchiato


NibiruIsNear

Sounds like some Harlequins I read back in the day. Romance novels are basically soft core porn.


Whitherwhy

50 shades of grain


Nolsoth

I'll have Espresso for three and one of those lovely 🥐 please.


greybruce1980

Yeah! Normally you gotta pay extra for that.


notnowbutnever

Worth a shot


MiciusPorcius

That’s why I’m here. ....nobody else?...ok then


scottyfoxy

/r/brandnewsentence


4got_username

Asking the real questions


NibiruIsNear

😏


Aintaword

I'm down with it.


bbildo

I used to make coffee and sing “The best part of waking up- is grabbing her B cup!” My wife never found that funny. I divorced her.


HailBuckSeitan

B-cupper here. That’s hilarious.


Branden_BA

Okay now kith


Curios_blu

I laughed!


philzebub666

For real though, I love me some B-Cup ladies (and lads). It's the perfect size IMO. Perfect for one handed use and you don't have to be a jongleur to dual wield them.


myklclark

Damn, he can’t even be the funny one. But doesn’t matter had sex!


Mephil79

Still counts!


yummy_crap_brick

I was driving and my wife and I both got some bottled iced tea. She asked me if I wanted mine. I said yes, so she opened the bottle and dumped it on my crotch. Not like we hit a bump or anything, she just reached over and poured about 1/3 of it all over my junk. Since I was driving, I could do nothing but have wet balls. She looked more surprised about it than I did and then she said "I thought your dick was thirsty". Very smooth.


rthrouw1234

I'm so perplexed


zoefriday

Same


MikeMan17

Are they going to keep on replacing whoever's in charge?


marsnoir

How did you clean the car seat?


asteroidB612

His or hers.


Vailex11

How do you think he got his username?


tropexuitoo

My wife asks if I “want to go to the pumpkin patch”. *wink wink* She’s a ginger and I love her.


Sexy_Squid89

Goals ❤️


Wico90

Toight


Adogandacat1526

You. Win.


outonthwtr

That would be music to my ears


dream50

Well done!!


garthog2020

What a keeper!


Legitimate_Roll7514

She sounds like a keeper!


jdith123

This belongs in r/awww


[deleted]

[удалено]


mr_mcpoogrundle

What a terrible day to be literate


Dances_With_Demons

Every day is a terrible day to be literate on Reddit.


snay1998

I am awaiting for the day of doom that is approaching us since the day I joined Reddit


NibiruIsNear

You, too? r/ihatereddit


Harmacc

I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque.


Yeshua_shel_Natzrat

Well.. whatever works for you, I guess.


Defiant_Cookie_Crumb

Not sure why you're getting all the hate, this is fucking hilarious.


Aekartzdef

I'm gonna get downvoted, but this made me laugh a lot


rugbat

Me too. Why all the hate?


Varhtan

A thread of toenail clippings and wet bread it seems. No humour.


ThisIsNotKimJongUn

What that young lady needs to be chewing on is The Bible


Devilutionbeast666

🤣🤣


gamingtomuch

https://youtu.be/lQlIhraqL7o


cuminmybrain

I dont get it


hotlipssinkships

I’m stuck thinking this is a new drink now


StayFrostyRMT_

I don't understand it can someone explain?


LuckyArceus

Twat mixed with latte.


ReasonableScientist9

The fact that you have to pronounce twat the American way to get this joke to work pisses me off. But then again, pumpkin spice is characteristically an American thing but damn, it’s twat not twot.


Varhtan

Contrarianism at its finest. Color. Mold. Jewelry. Judgment. Program. Center. Soda. Biscuit. Twat. Fanny. Analyze. Fahrenheit.


Nolsoth

What? No Twot is a vagina, Twat is pretentious idiot, you discount muppet.


rugbat

"Twot" is just an alternate spelling of "twat". It means vulva OR pretentious cunt, you twat.


Nolsoth

You are incorrect you bellend, out in the colonies twot and twat have two very different meanings.


rugbat

I'm in the "colonies", and we pronounce "twat" as if it were spelled "twot". My friends in the "old dart" say it as twat, whether referring to a minge or a pretentious cunt.


Nolsoth

Isint language beautiful.


rugbat

'k'n' oath, mate.


ReasonableScientist9

Twot is the US bastardization of the word twat, which means both a vagina and/or pretentious idiot depending on context. Twot isn’t a word on its own, does that make you the dollar store muppet?


Nolsoth

Listen here you windy wallet, down in Ozzy and new Zealand twot and twat have two very different meanings and I'm quite sure we can agree the yanks couldn't use either correctly. For science tho I have conferred with my cockney wife and she has confirmed that twat is for idiots twot is for vagina. You prat.


ReasonableScientist9

Upvoting for creative insults. Still don’t think another Brit would ever say twot, the way I’ve seen them get heated about the pronunciation LOL


Varhtan

'Down in Ozzy'? Well you're clearly a septic in disguise. 'Twot' does not exist in Australia. It's 'twat', meaning stupid person. We don't call a cunt, fanny, vagina or pussy a 'twat'.


Nolsoth

You clearly arnt Ozzy enough, you're probably a Sydneyspider.


marblechocolate

I came looking for the spelling mistake comment.


aww001

Lucky Bastard. Somehow my wife would have found a reason why it was all my fault.


Meeepyy

That's not okay


010rusty

Aye bro, you good?


bananaammo

Well she drinks pumpkin spiced lattes, and she spills them...so he married a clumsy basic bitch. Congratulations to him, he must ride the bench on the worst team in the lowest league in whatever game version of life he’s playing


Nolsoth

Do you feel good about they comment?


PMme_slave_leia_pics

You’re fun at parties huh?


Varhtan

In everyone's collective experience, it is the person that says this ^ that is not fun at parties. Who wants a broken gramophone who can only cherrypick the most popular buzz phrases to say?


your_worst_friend

You're fun at parties huh?


No-Homework9261

Fish sauce coffee


-Pacho-

I thought the fish thing was just a myth


Drunksnortsss

It's usually a sign of infection


No-Homework9261

No that's what it smells like. Fish sauce. Not fish. Fish sauce.


Cleverusername531

You smell any fish sauce, that person needs a doctor.


No-Homework9261

I guess every woman I've been with needs a doctor


Cleverusername531

I guess so. Damn, and maybe you too? Just to be safe.


Drunksnortsss

Women's vaginas don't naturally smell like fish. You may have something that you're passing onto these women that is changing their pH levels. Or maybe you just have differently wired nose/taste buds. Statically, it's super unlikely it's all women if the common denominator is you.


WHAMMYPAN

You sure this is the wife and NOT the side piece?...this sounds like side piece shit right here.


VinCubed

If you marry right, your wife exudes 'side piece energy'.


freetoblame

That's horrendously gross