“I am ashamed of you. People with kids like you should go and drown themselves”- she said this because I was an introvert and not the life of the party like all my cousins
No hate intended but parents like this are themselves stunted children inside, stuck at an age where they experienced most trauma. I know this doesn't justify it, but it helps to picture them as kids saying mean things to other kids rather than authority figures.
Hope this brings you some comfort
When I was in 7th grade I had to have a colonoscopy because there was blood in my poop. She thought it was because I had had anal sex.
She also said I was so desperate that I would enjoy being raped.
That I shouldn’t care about how my elder cousin sexually assaulted me for 3 year and shared that even she had such weird experiences. Also, told me to not tell my dad.
I am over it now. Like I dont want to confront anyone and then go through the trauma again by sharing it again. It took me more that 7-8 years to share it with my mom. Luckily my bf and brother were very understanding when I shared it. Happy to have them by my side.
Once I (16 f then) was standing near my cousin ( 23 m) who had been visiting us that summer. I wasn't wearing my dupatta (I was instructed to do so since he was in the house otherwise I don't even do this infront of my uncles). She had just come back home from work, briefly glanced me and without missing a beat, she said very bluntly to me that if anything happens (any assault of sexual nature), then I shouldn't bother coming to her.
You know what? I was assaulted at the age of 8, never told her, I wonder why....
This was such a tough read. Big hugs to my sisters on this sub. Really made me miss my mum who is no longer with us, and made me thankful for whatever little but beautiful time I got with her.
Same..I was about to make a similar post couple of hours ago, and for what reason? She's going on emotional rages these days and nitpicks stuff. And her episodes lasts for like half an hour at most. Damn, looking at some of the replies here, I think my mom is a goddess.
"Do you have sex with people for Money?"
"No one will marry you unless we pay them to!"
"Acche colleges mein tujhe entry bhi Nahi milegi, admission Bahut duur ki BAAT hai."
Thank you for your kindness. I'd really like to know how do you approach this situation as an adult? Are you friendly with your mum or do you maintain a distance?
My therapist said this to me, I hope it resonates with you too: You can't heal in the same environment that made you sick.
I greyrocked my Mum long before I even knew what that was. Whenever she'd spew hatred at me I'd zone out or respond with hmm/uh huh/ok etc. When I was old enough to be financially independant I left. I maintain contact with my folks but I'm very distant from my mother. I do a simple how you doing and that's that. I don't share anything personal with her, I don't take her out anywhere or celebrate anything with her.
To outsiders I seem harsh, but to people who have gone through what we have, distance means thriving. I got into therapy, and dude I'm thriiiiiving now. Do I still wish my mum would realise what she did? 100%. But I know for some people facing what abuse they've inflicted is impossible, they get comfort in their denial.
The only "apology" I've ever recieved is when I ince confronted her for calling me a bitch since I was a baby. Her response: "I didn't even know what that word meant, you're too sensitive".
Don't hope for change. Work on yourself and your financial independance. Get therapy. Don't get into relationships where you recreate those toxic patterns.
You'll do well babe. Just the fact that you're even asking these questions shows me you're levelheaded and observant. Embrace that and use it to thrive. You can do it!!!!!
PS. Your folks have set you up to fail. You will fail several times before you learn to navigate life and that's TOTALLY OKAY. Keep going. You can succeed.
You're welcome, I'm sending you e-hugs and good energy. The way our family treats us can break us, but please know you have the power to let the real you come out, the one that doesn't have to be scared or think you're worthless. You're far more stronger and resilient that you know, use it to your advantage, get financially independant and get out. You got this ♥️
I unfortunately internalised some of it, applied to the worst college in the city and fucked up big time. I still don't believe that any good institution will want me.
I've been in your exact position. Please keep trying. Even to top institutes. Plenty of scholarships and student aid available. Your education is your ticket out. Financial independence will set you free. If you need ME to keep encouraging you or you need help, please be in touch. Promise I'm not some catfishing creep. Reaching out to you as an older sister. Keep going Missy, youve got a whole exciting life to live!
1. i am not gonna love u until u get good marks or get a good job.....
2. u are ugly and fat (i had put on a bit of weight last year) this had way too much devastating experience on me... i had a mental breakdown due to this and ended up cutting my hair... the idea of ugliness got so stuck to me that i wanted to literally prove myself to be ugly.... like yes mom this is my identity i am ugly... nvm hair grew and i have a cute manic pixie cut now
Both my parents have made it clear that if I don't score good in college or school I WILL be treated like punching bags as my only other use in the house and i can't complain about it.
Oh the bar is so low for sons, it's crazy.
My brother gets kudos and is defended even, just for doing the bare minimum, but I need to strive for perfection, which mind you, is impossible because of their unreal expectations.
Ah there are so many words, and they might stuck around in my head for a while. But more than that I remember beating, I remember being in happy moods then my mother would beat the hell out of me 🤗
I cry a lot these days thinking about those moments, guess life is catching up with me at the age of 29. I was never encouraged to rest in my house and till this date I find it so hard to take rest even if I am tired. Our childhood really shapes our adulthood, logics don't really matter. Body doesn't listen to logics and mind doesn't understand them.
>I cry a lot these days thinking about those moments, guess life is catching up with me at the age of 29.
Same is happening with me. I was pretty emotionless till I was 26 and now I cry randomly thinking about my past ( I am also 29 and in therapy). Comforting to know I am not alone.
>was never encouraged to rest in my house and till this date I find it so hard to take rest even if I am tired.
My dad will create a mayhem if he found me sleeping during the day or I if i woke up past 8 am, even on sundays. Even to this day, I feel uncomfortable sleeping when he is at home.
I hope we get better with time. I read something today which said, it might never get better but with self work we will have resilience to endure. Well okay, it is what it is.
Yea, what's with Indian parents looking down upon resting? And this is prominently for Indian daughters. We are shamed to just sit, while ANY elder in the house is working. If my father did some house work, my mom would say 'sharam nahi aati hai baap kaam kar raha hai, ye padi hain mahanari jaise' (translation: she has lost all manners, her father is working and she is resting like she is some princess)
It's the way they speak.
>Well okay, it is what it is.
This is my life mantra lol 🤣 I say it is what it is alot for a person who doesn't even knows what it actually is 🥲
>Yea, what's with Indian parents looking down upon resting? And this is prominently for Indian daughters. We are shamed to just sit, while ANY elder in the house is working. If my father did some house work, my mom would say 'sharam nahi aati hai baap kaam kar raha hai, ye padi hain mahanari jaise'
Literally, same. In my case, it was even worse. I used to do my father's stuff because tbh he legit worked like 16/hours a day. But my mom would always force down all the work on me and none on my brother. Bhai ko khana dede, khud khane baith gayi. Paani lekar aa, baithi hui hai aaram se. As if my brother and dad didn't have functioning legs and hands. Meanwhile, forget my dad, he is elder to me but my brother never even bought a glass of water for me. It was so drilled down in my head that I will never even ask my brother for it, even now.
As I grew older, she will expect me to slog with her in kitchen serving the male members of home. She will bitch about my dad/brother in hush voice but will never actually bring up anything to them. This made me grow alot of resentment for my dad/brother. For along time, I felt like she was the victim and I wàs her saviour, so I will help her with everything. With time, i realised she is a perperator and emotionally manipulates me into subsevierence. She is worse than my dad, atleast he was blunt, brash and direct in his ways.
Would you even beleive my brother has never washed a utensil in our house, never mopped the floors, never made chai for guests etc. ( something I have done umpteen times)? One time, he made stuffed capsicum (after my mom did all the prep and post cooking cleaning) and she behaved as if that was the best thing ever after sliced bread. Meanwhile, i can cook three course meal and clean afterwards and my mom won't bat an eyelid.
>It's the way they speak.
Yes exactly. It's definetely this, as if I was born in this world with a sole purpose of serving my family. It's the internalised misogyny which never sees daughters as equal.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's comforting to know I am not alone with crazy parents. I was feeling sad and lonely today but now I feel slightly better.
Oops, my family dynamics has been completely opposite. My dad makes the tea in the mornings to wake us all up (including my mom) and then evenings after coming home from work (this time mostly to wake my mom up from her siesta 😜). They cook together (unless when there are relatives who would gossip), it’s a running joke in my family that my dad does all the cooking so he is a better cook. My brothers (poor guys never got raja beta treatment, while my mother did have an extra sweet spot for my youngest brother) know how to cook, clean and be a decent human being. My brother promptly washes utensils because he can’t stand soiled utensils for whatever reason. And they bring me water more times than I do. I do believe it’s in the hands of the mom to shape how the family looks at daughters and sons. Sadly, in Indian societies women are more misogynistic than men.
Just for context, my dad switched his career to an altogether different field of his passion post-retirement. He sleeps for like 5-6hours and is always working or travelling. My mom has always been a housewife and we do have house help.
Growing up I did see instances of my father being a bad husband but now hardly ever. And even that older self was much better than what I see in other families now.
Same bro. But after I graduated as a doctor and now I'm working I straight up told her to not dstb me or wake me up or pass comments or taunt. I'm ded tired.
Exactly in the same situation. My therapist said that you were in survival mode, so you could never process it. Now that you are out, you are understanding what happened to you.
It is such a relief to find more stories like these because I felt like I'm going crazy!
We are not crazy. You are not crazy. I will suggest you to read "The Body Remembers". It really helped me understand myself and my actions in a much better way. I hope you keep progressing in your healing journey. Sending positive energies ❤️
Idk if you’ve done this yet, but the answer to this is financial independence and distance. Good luck and many hugs to you. Coming from someone who went through and is going through the same shit. I left my parents place and now I keep very hard boundaries. I’m feeling okay in life for once. My real family is the one I’ve created in the form of friends. I feel safe with them.
That I'm a curse and I should have died instead of my deceased brother.
Bonus:
- "mardon ke saath nange naachti hai"
- "Teri jaat ki paida maaru"
- "Get out of my life you bitch"
- "You're one dumb bitch"
- "You're exactly like your father
- "Ja marr you bitch"
- "You sleep with men in cars" (I was 9 and used to go biking after school)
- When I told her my 30 year old cousin was trying to groom me (thank god we had sex-ed in school) she said "You only must have seduced him you dumb bitch, he would never try anything "
- She would tell my sister to go bring the biggest stick she could find to hit me with. Once got pummeled by a statue of Nelson mandela lollll
On the outside, my mum was the ideal hostess, friend, mother etc. But behind closed doors she terrorized me. When I finally told two friends, they flat out said must be lying or "what did you do that she's behaving like that, you must have done something". It gets tiring trying to make people understand or believe. People from "normal homes" will never understand. I stopped trying. Till today only one friend has seen my Mum spit on me and call me a bitch. I don't bother trying to explain to anyone anymore.
Sameee my mom is the “cool mom” to everyone. I am scared to tell my friends too cuz what if they don’t believe. I have only one friend who I could open up a bit to.
I’m extremely sorry for what you’ve been through. As a stranger on the Internet, I can’t really give any solace. But know that we’re all here for you and you da best! :) 🤗
This is one of the worst parts isn’t it? Watching them be the sweetest angels to everyone on the outside. It always confused me as a kid and angers me as an adult. Ugh. I don’t understand how people can put up such a facade. It’s so convoluted and screwed up. Thankfully my SO and my friends believed me. I simply cut off the ones that did not.
I know it's pretty baseless to say that you shouldn't let her words affect you, but trust me, after a while these words won't matter. Of course they find manifestation in our adult lives but frankly, your mom is not going to be there forever and you'll get to live in a world without her. I know this is harsh but a silver lining, eh?
And trust me, there's a reason you're here :) even if you don't know, I'm sure you make living better for someone! Trust the process of healing, good things will find you.
That's the thing, words DO matter, especially if you've been told these things over and over again by your primary caregivers who shaped you into who you are and stopped you from becoming who you could have become.
I know you're coming from a good place, but telling children of abusers that "words shouldnt matter and you can forget them" isn't helpful. These aren't things they've said to us once a year...its things they say and do to us on a DAILY basis.
Those "just"words do matter and they have shaped you your whole childhood and young adulthood to become who you are, how you speak, how you socialise, how you adapt, how you deal with life etc.Your family lays the foundation for who you become and how you see the world.
So those words DO matter. Those words will always hurt, the intensity lessens with time and therapy.
F same when I Did bring up SA from my uncle, both my mom and grand mom are like, why are you bringing things from childhood/aka a decade ago and I AM A RUDE/SADDIST PERSON FOR TRYING TO DESTROY MY AUNT'S LIFE, LOL
Ugghhh, idk where to even start:
1) Kutti, randi (bitch, whore) because I was wearing red lipstick
2) Tere jaisi aulaad se toh aulaad na ho toh acha hai ( It's better to be childless than to have you as a child) I refused to help her in some household work because she only asked me, not my brother.
3) Tere din jale hue hai (You will have bad future) because I didn't wake up early enough, according to her
4) Tereko har jagah drama karke meri beijjati karni hoti hai (You always do drama to embarass me) because I was going through a manic episode and my mom took me to a fucking baba who assaulted me.
5) Tu mere bete me najar lagaye baithi hai bachpan se. Usse jalan se marr jayegi (You have an evil eye on my son since birth. You will die because you are jealous of him) because I refused to get married in lavishly to an AM guy. My parents wanted to go all out on my wedding to show off their fuck all friends/relatives how great they are and then cut me off from all the inheritance (my parents are decently wealthy and have some very expensive real estate investments). I refused to be their puppet and demanded my half of property. My mom said she will live with his son, not me, so it's fair. I have always been jealous of my brother ( because I demanded fair split of household work) and my brother's misfortunes ( his drinking, smoking and reckless spending) are because of my evil eye lol.
Fast forward, my brother got married and alot of shit happened within an year. Now my SIL from hell, won't even let my brother visit home and refuses to even talk to them lol. My mom cries crocodile tears and wants me to be an emotional tampon now. Fuck off, mom. This is what you deserve. Lmao, i didn't have to wait long for Karma 😂🤣 I am genuinely so happy to be away from this circus. I like my brother, i miss him sometimes but i dont have the mental capacity to handle him.
I went NC with my parents few months ago and now she complains to anyone who will listen how she has the most ungrateful daughter who is enjoying her life abroad on her money. She made the biggest mistake by sending me abroad and now I have become western. Only contribution my parents did towards my upbringing was financial and that also stopped once i finished undergrad (I got a job post that and I funded my grad school abroad through education loan and savings and I never liked her even when I lived in India lol). Funny thing is that, even now, her son is so innocent and SIL has brainwashed him and I am the ungrateful one. Atleast I ask my cousins that she is doing okay, every month 🙄 My brother who lives an hour away, doesn't even bother with that.
>Now my SIL from hell, won't even let my brother visit home and refuses to even talk to them lol. My mom cries crocodile tears and wants me to be an emotional tampon now.
Satisfying read.
Idk whether I should thank my SIL for bringing my mom few pegs down or loathe her for all the abhorrent vile shit she says. Hence, I don't bother with her either.
She is amazing at vicitmising herself in every situation. She had even victimised her now and my braindead relatives/neigbours agree with her. She is absolutely so sweet and innocent in front of everyone and then would do a 180° and say vile shit to me in private. It was so isolating and lonely growing up because noone ever understood or beleived me since she is mother India. Even now, it's impossible to open up to anyone about this irl because she is my mom afterall. I am glad to atleast have this understanding community to vent.
That red lipstick thing hit home. I only started applying it when I was in pre med. And I have a light wheatish skin tone so dark tones of red suit me a lot. Hell only red suits me. I look like a clown in other colours. Red makes me look hot and sexy and just makes me appearance bright. She used to tell me you look like Chameli. Get the reference please. Ki woh aise lipstick lagate hai. I was so hurt. I didn't pay heed though and still to this date wear red only.
But my sister is the youngest and has been using make up since school and usko kuch nahi boli kabhi.
Ohhh girl, i got it. My mom would straight up call me whore, not even like veiling it. Funny thing is that I don'f even wear red regularly. Just sometimes, on weekends, when I have plans to go out. I feel it's too much for office. I have one Mac Ruby woo, which is with me since 6 years and still half left, so you can imagine. My mom also has my brother, the golden child who can do no wrong. If I pull half the shit my brother did, i would have been long dead. SMH.
That's she's ashamed to go to family functions with me because I'm too skinny and apparently my mom's CONVINCED that i am skinny due some undetected sickness. I've been taken to doctors ever since i remember to get "treated", the most recent one being this month. I'm 25. Even the doctor said some people just do not gain weight and it's fine but my mother's was like "no but that's not the case with you i know, you need to eat and then you'll gain weight".
My mother genuinely believes I'm sick. Random people comment on my health and my mother never ever defends me.
I'm also considered "skinny" by some stupid standards. But I've never had to go thru the kind of shit u get from ur mom. I'm sorry for that...but I can relate to the random people commenting on weight. I do my best to ignore those comments but sometimes I'll try to logically point out about how weight doesn't equate health and that I can be healthy and thin at the same time. But people don't understand. And that's when I have to remind myself that some people r willfully ignorant and insensitive and I can't change it.
I remember this very vividly - When I was a little kid, my parents asked my doc about my low weight and he assured that it's in my genetics to be thin and to not worry about it. I'm so glad he said that and I've carried those words with me in the back of my mind ever since then. I didn't fully realise it until I read ur comment but it's that bit of statement from that doc that's given me confidence against the endless amount of people who've commented on my weight.
I hope u can also keep a medical professional's comment over the ignorant and rude people's judgemental nonsense.
Ohh this
I'm skinny too and my mom is ashamed of me but for a little different reason. My mom's thing is that people assume I don't eat well and she thinks it means they think she doesn't feed me well so everytime we meet a relative it's hell for me for a couple of days about how I should fatten up and stop embarassing her
I mean at this I've just stopped trying to make her understand that I'm comfortable in my skin and it's fine if I'm skinny. There hasn't been a single day in my life especially since i hit my twenties where my health wasn't discussed. Every.single.day.
We've always grown up with less money. Privileged household but less family income. Anyway, she has always made me feel that I should be soo grateful for her for doing the bare minimum & that I didn't deserve the love I get. I didn't help her in the household chores so I'll never be able to achieve anything in life & that I didn't deserve to be happy. On my 18th birthday.
You're just a mistake!
When I was in class 7th, I came home late due to my project at a friend's place who lived a few blocks away, my mom told me, some man on the road will snatch your boobs away and you'll cry. I'll break your legs if you ever come this late and it was 6 in the evening.
Chal bhag yha se!Hatt! Hatt! like she'd address an animal.
You didn't get abused you just wanted sex. I was 14.
Dealing with an ed, i lost weight too much and she's like isne sex kia hai bht isliye wazan kam hogya dikhne me lgta hai ye gandi hai.
I was in class eleventh and studying in a coaching centre. There some boys teased me. When I told mother she told me "There are girls preitier than you. Why would boys tease you?"
She also prefers my younger sibling.
Because of this toxic atmosphere we siblings don't talk last 2 years. It breaks my heart. I loved her. But she is not bothered if i am dead or alive.
- don't come back home ever
- go die on your way to college
- i regret having you
- i don't even know who you are
- i wish i had aborted you
- i wish you had killed yourself
- look at yourself, no one will ever love you
plus much more but this is all generic stuff isn't it?
Lol a lot. But these are the highlights that fuck with me decades later and have given me lifelong insecurities that I’ve been in therapy for for years.
[ Any moms reading this please be careful about what you say to your children even if you think they won’t remember it because they’re too young - sometimes it’s the only thing they remember]
1. Good you were born a girl. You’re useless we’ll just marry you off.
2. ( While “teaching” me how to cook when I’m crying) Atleast learn this, we’ll marry you off the minute you graduate from 12th. You’re good for nothing
3. You’re good for nothing just like your father. He’s going to make you a prostitute and earn off of your body ( I was in 9th grade)
4. You’re a waste of space a waste of money
5. I don’t know how and why (now-husband then-boyfriend ) tolerates you
6. I don’t buy anything for myself, all I have done is for you
7. You only look good because you’re thin.
When you keep hearing that you’re useless, anything you do is criticised beyond measure, you’re not treated with an ounce of respect, called names, never given the chance to explain yourself, beaten and when money, love, appreciation, touch, is withheld from you and all you’ve known in your only “safe space” is inconsistent angry outbursts this is what happens to you as an adult. Cue my 20s -
1. You go out of your way to make people love you making it ripe for people to take advantage of you
2. But you view any kind of love or care towards you with suspicion. Never accepting appreciation or kind words or deeds.
3. You fill every single second of your day with things to do because rest is evil and resting means you’re useless and how dare you not be productive
4. Guilt is second nature - it informs your every action - you can’t eat things, buy things, do things for yourself without immediately feeling guilty that you could have saved money or been productive or done something for someone else
5. You low key have disordered eating and financial habits because a small cup of coffee with Parle g should keep me full and if I eat dinner at 6pm that should be enough for lunch and dinner
6. You absorb everyone’s emotions and are the peacekeeper and the doormat for anyone to dump their thoughts on you. More than that you feel responsible and compelled to “help “ and overextend yourself to solve everyone s problems
7. You probably spend a lot of time scrolling on your phone, picking on your skin, being high and have 0 memories and are mostly disassociated
8. You’re terrified of making even a tiny mistake because of how you were yelled at. You don’t take risks. You stay comfortable and by the time you hit your late 20s you can’t function anymore because you’re paralysed by anxiety and depression and the self-hate reinforces itself because now you can’t even muster the energy to pretend.
9. [added] You stay in toxic jobs, keep giving toxic people a chance, stay in toxic environments because you’re so used to the self-neglect and need for love that you don’t even recognise if the situation is bad for you
I relate so hard with every point you mentioned. I would like to add that you have difficulty showing/feeling any kind of emotions because you were always asked to shut it down. When you show emotions, it's always anger outburts because that's the only emotion you are familiar with.
My parents and my mental illness completely wrecked my 20s. I am 29 and I feel I am finding my bearings now. It's still hard and I feel frustrated with myself somedays. But I am getting better at maintaining boundaries, cutting off toxic people, letting out my emotions and just being a better person than what my parents taught me to be.
I agree 100%. I struggle to verbalise and identify how I feel. My feelings are never validated, accepted and taken seriously. The only emotion I knew was anger. I’ve always explained away what I’m feeling … intellectualising it and justifying other peoples actions but never did it for myself.
I’m sorry you went through this too sis and I’m glad you’re working on boundaries. Remember that healing will not come from the same place as the hurt did. You’ll have to give yourself what you didn’t get.
I'm sorry too that you had a fuckall mother just like me.
>Remember that healing will not come from the same place as the hurt did. You’ll have to give yourself what you didn’t get.
Thank you :) I will save this comment 💙
Always comparing me with other people's kids - their marks, their success, their marriage status. Although this stopped when I grew up because I learnt how to argue and answer back. But as a child always thinking log kya kahenge and expecting the same things out of me that other people's successful kids. And me being a people pleaser did whatever I could. Worst idea. Should have gone after my own interests. Wanted to study psychology, ended up doing engineering which I hated.
My mom has said some awful things to me I don’t want to remember or write down because I don’t want to get into that rabbit hole. However, after my marriage she has completely changed as a person.
I wonder what made her so spiteful in my childhood and what made her take a 360 degree change after my weddinng
I think it's because distance makes the heart grow fonder. I am not saying that what she did to you is justifiable. I think this can be due to the weirdly collective nature of the Indian society where moving out is a taboo and so many relations are strained because of the claustrophobic proximity
I haven’t lived with my parents since I was 15, moved out for education. So that’s definitely not the case. Ig she thinks I achieved the ultimate goal by getting married
I am 24 and earn fairly well for my age (think in 2l pm) and I bought a house only because my mom complained all her life that she wanted to live in a bigger house and then one day she was complaining how this house is also like narak (hell) and I reminded her this hell is everything i earn and everything I am going to earn for next 10 years while people my age live a very different life without such commitments. She got even more offended and said “Tum bhi dusro k bachcho jaise hi ho”
It really hurt me because all I wanted her to know was that this is all I have from my professional life and I have given it to her dream and I feel dejected that I am or good enough for her :(
There are constant bickering around how she paid for our education..etc which I think all parents SHOULD do.
But man when I read rest of the comments I still think she is a pretty great mom just does not manage few emotions well.
I hate how my brain gets all numb and blank when thinking about trauma. She called an exorcist to our house because I was depressed and having panic attacks and this stranger fucking grabbed my neck and make me choke for a good minute chanting some weird bullshit and my mother and father standing right there didn't say anything. then i was crying on the floor because how humiliating and traumatizing it was and my mother makes tea for this man and my parents sit in the living room entertaining him like a welcome guest. brb gonna cry
I was obese during childhood and my mother commented on my weight which hurt me very much
1. I look like a mom of 2 children when I was 16
2. Told me that she will cut my breasts in half when she got angry over something. I was ~15 then and developing breasts.
Apart from this she has been very abusive and a bully towards me in childhood..
I seek comfort in the fact that god has already punished her with a lot of diseases and karma will balance it out.
NGL, i revel in the fact that my mom is seething everyday that her 29 year old daughter is unmarried and she can do absolutely nothing in her power to change that.
On most days she's loving. Only when she loses it, these things come out. But it stayed with me, though it was said only once or twice. I'm appalled looking at other comments here!!!
“ paida nai hui hoti to meri life achi hoti”
(if you weren’t born, I would have been in a far better place)
“Apne baap se hi chipki rehti h sharam nai aati isko”
( She keeps clinging onto her father, she has no shame)
I used to think I must have done something wrong that I have such mother because everyone else got better than her 🤦🏽♀️
Took lot of therapy to realise that all of this was her issue not mine.
>paida nai hui hoti to meri life achi hoti” (if you weren’t born, I would have been in a far better place)
Relatable tbh, and i know this damage is irreversible but we are all glad you are here and even if i don't know you, you make this planet a better place to live in :) please know that even if life is cruel, you are loved and good things are on your way <3
>Apne baap se hi chipki rehti h sharam nai aati isko” ( She keeps clinging onto her father, she has no shame)
lmfao sounds like someone is just jealous and i wonder why you don't stay clingy with your mother huh
Thank you so much for your kindness ❤️
This is not even 1% of what I have been hearing since as long as I remember.
I have been linked with men in my family by her since I was of 5/6 years old, not sure why.
I have slowly learned to tune her out :)
They are many, but I'll list a few:
1. She wished she was "banjh," meaning she can't give birth to a child rather than have me. She said it's thrice or twice may be many more times.mind you, I was below 15.
2. If I wanted to pursue dancing that too in front of anyone that makes me a "dancer" (nachaniya)
3. I was going for a school trip for a few days, and she warned me that no matter what, I don't do anything (as in sex ). I had just entered the 10th.
4. Regular words were constantly thrown around : pathetic, wish I was never born, how other kids are good, I'm just a waste of space.
5. She once accused me of smoking (I never smoked in my life) because one of her friends told her :)
I would get beaten up a lot :) Now she says that I never did anything outside school(that too, I'm not good) like I wanted to, but you were let me? I was never pushed to go for sports or dancing or instruments, nothing.
Reading the comments made me realize how loving and perfect my own mother is. She never misses a chance to hug me, tell me she loves me or smother me with her love.
She's also the best cook and the best mom anyone can expect! I feel so fortunate, I can share anything and everything with her without her judging me, sure we have our fights and bad days but we always, always end up reconciling. I just want her to live forever.
This gives me hope. Maybe I can be a mother someday and have a similar relationship with my child. That i don't have to end up like my own mother or like so many mothers here. Thanks for sharing
Breaking the cycle is of utmost importance. My mother didn't have an easy relationship with her own mother, in fact, she was mostly absent during my mother's upbringing (she was brought up by her elder sister, my mausi).
I'm proud of the fact that you have decided to break this chain. Good luck!
My bade papa (father's older brother) had touched me inappropriately at a family function. He was drunk. I was 14. My mother saw it happening but she didn't react. I started sobbing and said I'm making a big deal out of it.
Cut to ten days later. We're supposed to go to their place. I'm still traumatized with what happened. I don't want to go. I refuse to get out of my bed because I just don't want to face him. I have a few relatives at home and they try to drag me and get me out of bed. I just wouldn't budge. After a long while they gave up and everyone left.
When I saw they left, I got out of my bed and my mother re-entered the house. She saw me up and she hit me on my back and obviously I started crying. She left and she said "ab kyu ro rahi ho, jo chahiye tha wo mil gaya na".
My mother casually dropped 'You have wasted 4 years of your life' today after I was trying to do interview prep and struggling with some generic questions.
I have severe social anxiety and have stuck to my current company as it provides WFH but this kind of stunted my professional growth. I'm aware this is a trade off, but my family hates it as I don't bring in as much as money as they expected. They try to pretend to be supportive and understanding but these kind of comments sometimes slip out and it hurts a lot ngl.
It does anger my husband but he got mental peace out of this exercise so he and I choose to focus on that. But yes the resentment doesn’t just go away, you have to actually have something good in your life to find that positivity. Some women aren’t meant to be mothers and that’s okay but in his mom’s generation that wasn’t an option.
" ye kaha jaa rhi hai thunder thighs leke, jaa change krke aa" this was when I was 13-14 and was going somewhere wearing shorts, I was a little over weight at this time. I internalized this to the extent that I'm 25 years old now and still avoid wearing shorts to this day because whenever I do this statement literally echos in my head. Also that I have shinchan like eyebrows and a Pakoda nose. Now that I think of it all my insecurities stem from my mother.
She told me in a very matter of fact manner that I just was not a good looking person. And I should just accept it. She was also shocked that I found my soul mate and he was actually in love with me.
Hurts more than I want to admit tbh. Usually mothers tend to view their children through rose colored glasses.
1. Had a life threatening surgery (tumor related), came home a few days after and had to get some tests done. I was about to go to sleep but decided to have one snack before retiring. She started shouting at me for not preparing for the tests (the tests were supposed to be fasting) and told me "Jo karna hai karo, marna hai maro"
2. Told me MANY times in MANYY ways that nobody will be happy with me. I think I've started believing it.
3. Regularly tells me this or that part of my body looks fat. That if I fix that one part, I'd start looking a little "normal" (I gained weight due to my tumor related reasons)
I know the question was "most" hurtful but on a daily basis, these comments feel incredibly hurtful and with constant repetition, it's really hard not to believe it.
I am very close to my mother and honestly it’s mostly a love relationship but I can’t help to notice the problematic things in her. She hasn’t told me many vile things, just the usual study banter to make my life better. But the one thing that has stuck to me and did ruin my self image until 25 is the amount of hair I have on my body and face. She would just casually point it out of nowhere during a conversation in the lines of “Oh my god, you have so much of facial hair.” And she told me the same line like some 100 times as if she discovered it for the first time. It didn’t irk me that she pointed out my facial hair because I KNEW my hair growth was abnormal but I was sad that she just pointed it out and never really helped me with a solution. It was always don’t shave, don’t thread, don’t pluck. So basically just stick with it and listen to her picking up on my inferiority.
Nevertheless, I am 25 now and I shave my face. I am also financially independent and live alone so I can legit wax my whole body whenever I want. It’s a pretty small thing but I hated it so much. I know shaving/ threading/ plucking might not suit everyone and my mother might have tried to protect me from it, but then what’s the use of pointing it out to me… I didn’t have the eyes to see it myself?
Reading all these comments bring back so many fu\*ked up memories. This post is actually the one that should have a trigger warning
These are what my mum said to me
1. Go die, we will cry for a day and go on with our lives. We don't give a shit abt you. ( heard this all my life )
2. I am ashamed of giving birth to a slut like you, I am unable to face the neighbours because of your character (she said this because a guy in our neighbourhood was stalking me when I was in 9th std )
3. Whom did you sleep with all this time? You are so desperate to have sex with boys ( this was told to me because I bunked tuition and went to eat pani poori in 10th std )
4. Of course, boys will come behind you because you are desperate
Reading this comment section is heartbreaking.
Women, there's so much power in having your story heard and i hear all of you.
Also, i wish all your in mums healing so that they realize what they did someday in this life
Called me an ugly duckling when I was really small . The irony is she calls me a model now , but I always felt ugly as a kid thanks to that and other incidents which cemented my self worth at that time
Omg what are these comments!!
I guess I'm very lucky! My mom has always been loving, supportive and awesome. Same with my dad. She never makes me feel insecure or less. Damn I'm blessed af. Touchwood.
God really blessed me with the best parents I could ever ask for.
This thread made me realise that my mother is a freaking angel. She’s not perfect but she has never said anything hurtful to me and meant it. Some of y’all’s birthgivers are straight up abusers and I’m so sorry for that. If a child can’t even trust their parent then how are they supposed to trust anyone else? So much power to anyone with such parents.
During my teenage, I was being very stubborn & then she cursed me. She told me I’ll never achieve anything in my life. Now my mind instantly reminds me of it every time I fail in something. And I believe her curse worked & is still working on me.
On not getting into the masters program of their choosing:
I'll strip you naked and parade you around the streets and tell men to 🍇 you. I'll hack you to bits with a butcher's knife.
Can't remember why, just that they were drunk:
I pray to God you get run over by a car.
Told me to kill myself while holding a knife. Like they picked out what I had to kill myself with. Lmaoooooo
That she’s sure I was changed at birth coz how she can give birth to someone who doesn’t respect her and that my lupus diagnosis is because I deserve it.
After reading this I have new found respect for my mom. Of ourse she've also done all these things in one level or another but I don't hold anything against her or don't even remember. I guess that's just me
no need for a comment like this. this post is for people who may not be that blessed in this respect, and so they can find some comfort knowing they’re not alone. your comment is insensitive
My mom is an angel. I love her to bits and she’s done nothing other than empowering me. We have the odd fight or two but generic shit.
Im sorry for everyone here who had to deal with toxic parents. More power to you.
Most hurtful I felt when I was told that I spent too much unnecessarily and I don’t respect or value money while I try to save 90% of my salary and shop things I like sometimes , guess they are not habituated with regular shopping like this but it hurts when they say that none in our family spends like that. Other than that I admit they’re being nice supportive parents, exactly I’d have liked them to be 🙂
“I am ashamed of you. People with kids like you should go and drown themselves”- she said this because I was an introvert and not the life of the party like all my cousins
As an introvert, I get so much shit thrown at me by my family and friends. I can totally relate to this.
No hate intended but parents like this are themselves stunted children inside, stuck at an age where they experienced most trauma. I know this doesn't justify it, but it helps to picture them as kids saying mean things to other kids rather than authority figures. Hope this brings you some comfort
When I was in 7th grade I had to have a colonoscopy because there was blood in my poop. She thought it was because I had had anal sex. She also said I was so desperate that I would enjoy being raped.
Just *hugs*
In...in...7th grade? What in the world is wrong with her?
Oof! Sorry that you had to go through that
That I shouldn’t care about how my elder cousin sexually assaulted me for 3 year and shared that even she had such weird experiences. Also, told me to not tell my dad.
>shared that even she had such weird experiences Internalized misogyny at its peak.
Yo wtf.
Tell your dad
I am over it now. Like I dont want to confront anyone and then go through the trauma again by sharing it again. It took me more that 7-8 years to share it with my mom. Luckily my bf and brother were very understanding when I shared it. Happy to have them by my side.
Please tell your dad
Happened to me too. It’s the worst. I’m sorry. Many hugs to you :)
Once I (16 f then) was standing near my cousin ( 23 m) who had been visiting us that summer. I wasn't wearing my dupatta (I was instructed to do so since he was in the house otherwise I don't even do this infront of my uncles). She had just come back home from work, briefly glanced me and without missing a beat, she said very bluntly to me that if anything happens (any assault of sexual nature), then I shouldn't bother coming to her. You know what? I was assaulted at the age of 8, never told her, I wonder why....
This was such a tough read. Big hugs to my sisters on this sub. Really made me miss my mum who is no longer with us, and made me thankful for whatever little but beautiful time I got with her.
Wow. I came here to leave a comment and it looks so tame and pointless in front of everything else I've read here. Big bear hugs to everyone!
It's not tame and pointless if it bothers you. Everyone's fighting a different battle :)
Same..I was about to make a similar post couple of hours ago, and for what reason? She's going on emotional rages these days and nitpicks stuff. And her episodes lasts for like half an hour at most. Damn, looking at some of the replies here, I think my mom is a goddess.
SAME
"Do you have sex with people for Money?" "No one will marry you unless we pay them to!" "Acche colleges mein tujhe entry bhi Nahi milegi, admission Bahut duur ki BAAT hai."
Ur mom is fucked up
Haha your response made me laugh, so to the point
Yes 🤣
Dude do we have the same Mum? She said shit like this to me lall the time too! You're better than that, sending hugs to you ♥️
Thank you for your kindness. I'd really like to know how do you approach this situation as an adult? Are you friendly with your mum or do you maintain a distance?
My therapist said this to me, I hope it resonates with you too: You can't heal in the same environment that made you sick. I greyrocked my Mum long before I even knew what that was. Whenever she'd spew hatred at me I'd zone out or respond with hmm/uh huh/ok etc. When I was old enough to be financially independant I left. I maintain contact with my folks but I'm very distant from my mother. I do a simple how you doing and that's that. I don't share anything personal with her, I don't take her out anywhere or celebrate anything with her. To outsiders I seem harsh, but to people who have gone through what we have, distance means thriving. I got into therapy, and dude I'm thriiiiiving now. Do I still wish my mum would realise what she did? 100%. But I know for some people facing what abuse they've inflicted is impossible, they get comfort in their denial. The only "apology" I've ever recieved is when I ince confronted her for calling me a bitch since I was a baby. Her response: "I didn't even know what that word meant, you're too sensitive". Don't hope for change. Work on yourself and your financial independance. Get therapy. Don't get into relationships where you recreate those toxic patterns. You'll do well babe. Just the fact that you're even asking these questions shows me you're levelheaded and observant. Embrace that and use it to thrive. You can do it!!!!! PS. Your folks have set you up to fail. You will fail several times before you learn to navigate life and that's TOTALLY OKAY. Keep going. You can succeed.
🤗 great to hear this Thank you ☺️
Thank you, I needed to hear a lot of this.
You're welcome, I'm sending you e-hugs and good energy. The way our family treats us can break us, but please know you have the power to let the real you come out, the one that doesn't have to be scared or think you're worthless. You're far more stronger and resilient that you know, use it to your advantage, get financially independant and get out. You got this ♥️
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I unfortunately internalised some of it, applied to the worst college in the city and fucked up big time. I still don't believe that any good institution will want me.
I've been in your exact position. Please keep trying. Even to top institutes. Plenty of scholarships and student aid available. Your education is your ticket out. Financial independence will set you free. If you need ME to keep encouraging you or you need help, please be in touch. Promise I'm not some catfishing creep. Reaching out to you as an older sister. Keep going Missy, youve got a whole exciting life to live!
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I'm in my 30s, college and 4 jobs down 🤗
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+100000
1. i am not gonna love u until u get good marks or get a good job..... 2. u are ugly and fat (i had put on a bit of weight last year) this had way too much devastating experience on me... i had a mental breakdown due to this and ended up cutting my hair... the idea of ugliness got so stuck to me that i wanted to literally prove myself to be ugly.... like yes mom this is my identity i am ugly... nvm hair grew and i have a cute manic pixie cut now
Both my parents have made it clear that if I don't score good in college or school I WILL be treated like punching bags as my only other use in the house and i can't complain about it.
It's especially hurtful when it comes from your mom.
Unconditional love ✨
In India that's for sons only.
Oh the bar is so low for sons, it's crazy. My brother gets kudos and is defended even, just for doing the bare minimum, but I need to strive for perfection, which mind you, is impossible because of their unreal expectations.
We existing in our own money is a burden to them 🤦
Actually my mom is abusive to both me and my brother alike. ✨Equality✨
Lol she should have been childfree!!!
Ah there are so many words, and they might stuck around in my head for a while. But more than that I remember beating, I remember being in happy moods then my mother would beat the hell out of me 🤗 I cry a lot these days thinking about those moments, guess life is catching up with me at the age of 29. I was never encouraged to rest in my house and till this date I find it so hard to take rest even if I am tired. Our childhood really shapes our adulthood, logics don't really matter. Body doesn't listen to logics and mind doesn't understand them.
>I cry a lot these days thinking about those moments, guess life is catching up with me at the age of 29. Same is happening with me. I was pretty emotionless till I was 26 and now I cry randomly thinking about my past ( I am also 29 and in therapy). Comforting to know I am not alone. >was never encouraged to rest in my house and till this date I find it so hard to take rest even if I am tired. My dad will create a mayhem if he found me sleeping during the day or I if i woke up past 8 am, even on sundays. Even to this day, I feel uncomfortable sleeping when he is at home.
I hope we get better with time. I read something today which said, it might never get better but with self work we will have resilience to endure. Well okay, it is what it is. Yea, what's with Indian parents looking down upon resting? And this is prominently for Indian daughters. We are shamed to just sit, while ANY elder in the house is working. If my father did some house work, my mom would say 'sharam nahi aati hai baap kaam kar raha hai, ye padi hain mahanari jaise' (translation: she has lost all manners, her father is working and she is resting like she is some princess) It's the way they speak.
>Well okay, it is what it is. This is my life mantra lol 🤣 I say it is what it is alot for a person who doesn't even knows what it actually is 🥲 >Yea, what's with Indian parents looking down upon resting? And this is prominently for Indian daughters. We are shamed to just sit, while ANY elder in the house is working. If my father did some house work, my mom would say 'sharam nahi aati hai baap kaam kar raha hai, ye padi hain mahanari jaise' Literally, same. In my case, it was even worse. I used to do my father's stuff because tbh he legit worked like 16/hours a day. But my mom would always force down all the work on me and none on my brother. Bhai ko khana dede, khud khane baith gayi. Paani lekar aa, baithi hui hai aaram se. As if my brother and dad didn't have functioning legs and hands. Meanwhile, forget my dad, he is elder to me but my brother never even bought a glass of water for me. It was so drilled down in my head that I will never even ask my brother for it, even now. As I grew older, she will expect me to slog with her in kitchen serving the male members of home. She will bitch about my dad/brother in hush voice but will never actually bring up anything to them. This made me grow alot of resentment for my dad/brother. For along time, I felt like she was the victim and I wàs her saviour, so I will help her with everything. With time, i realised she is a perperator and emotionally manipulates me into subsevierence. She is worse than my dad, atleast he was blunt, brash and direct in his ways. Would you even beleive my brother has never washed a utensil in our house, never mopped the floors, never made chai for guests etc. ( something I have done umpteen times)? One time, he made stuffed capsicum (after my mom did all the prep and post cooking cleaning) and she behaved as if that was the best thing ever after sliced bread. Meanwhile, i can cook three course meal and clean afterwards and my mom won't bat an eyelid. >It's the way they speak. Yes exactly. It's definetely this, as if I was born in this world with a sole purpose of serving my family. It's the internalised misogyny which never sees daughters as equal. Thank you for sharing your story. It's comforting to know I am not alone with crazy parents. I was feeling sad and lonely today but now I feel slightly better.
Oops, my family dynamics has been completely opposite. My dad makes the tea in the mornings to wake us all up (including my mom) and then evenings after coming home from work (this time mostly to wake my mom up from her siesta 😜). They cook together (unless when there are relatives who would gossip), it’s a running joke in my family that my dad does all the cooking so he is a better cook. My brothers (poor guys never got raja beta treatment, while my mother did have an extra sweet spot for my youngest brother) know how to cook, clean and be a decent human being. My brother promptly washes utensils because he can’t stand soiled utensils for whatever reason. And they bring me water more times than I do. I do believe it’s in the hands of the mom to shape how the family looks at daughters and sons. Sadly, in Indian societies women are more misogynistic than men. Just for context, my dad switched his career to an altogether different field of his passion post-retirement. He sleeps for like 5-6hours and is always working or travelling. My mom has always been a housewife and we do have house help. Growing up I did see instances of my father being a bad husband but now hardly ever. And even that older self was much better than what I see in other families now.
Same bro. But after I graduated as a doctor and now I'm working I straight up told her to not dstb me or wake me up or pass comments or taunt. I'm ded tired.
Exactly in the same situation. My therapist said that you were in survival mode, so you could never process it. Now that you are out, you are understanding what happened to you. It is such a relief to find more stories like these because I felt like I'm going crazy!
We are not crazy. You are not crazy. I will suggest you to read "The Body Remembers". It really helped me understand myself and my actions in a much better way. I hope you keep progressing in your healing journey. Sending positive energies ❤️
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I hope more people understand this. The world would then be a better place.
Idk if you’ve done this yet, but the answer to this is financial independence and distance. Good luck and many hugs to you. Coming from someone who went through and is going through the same shit. I left my parents place and now I keep very hard boundaries. I’m feeling okay in life for once. My real family is the one I’ve created in the form of friends. I feel safe with them.
That I'm a curse and I should have died instead of my deceased brother. Bonus: - "mardon ke saath nange naachti hai" - "Teri jaat ki paida maaru" - "Get out of my life you bitch" - "You're one dumb bitch" - "You're exactly like your father - "Ja marr you bitch" - "You sleep with men in cars" (I was 9 and used to go biking after school) - When I told her my 30 year old cousin was trying to groom me (thank god we had sex-ed in school) she said "You only must have seduced him you dumb bitch, he would never try anything " - She would tell my sister to go bring the biggest stick she could find to hit me with. Once got pummeled by a statue of Nelson mandela lollll
On the outside, my mum was the ideal hostess, friend, mother etc. But behind closed doors she terrorized me. When I finally told two friends, they flat out said must be lying or "what did you do that she's behaving like that, you must have done something". It gets tiring trying to make people understand or believe. People from "normal homes" will never understand. I stopped trying. Till today only one friend has seen my Mum spit on me and call me a bitch. I don't bother trying to explain to anyone anymore.
Sameee my mom is the “cool mom” to everyone. I am scared to tell my friends too cuz what if they don’t believe. I have only one friend who I could open up a bit to.
I’m extremely sorry for what you’ve been through. As a stranger on the Internet, I can’t really give any solace. But know that we’re all here for you and you da best! :) 🤗
Yes!!! This!! This is exactly my situation
This is one of the worst parts isn’t it? Watching them be the sweetest angels to everyone on the outside. It always confused me as a kid and angers me as an adult. Ugh. I don’t understand how people can put up such a facade. It’s so convoluted and screwed up. Thankfully my SO and my friends believed me. I simply cut off the ones that did not.
Dear Lord
Ugh she is verbally abusive .... get out of there asap please
Awful. I hope you have cut her off and have gotten some counselling!!! You deserve a good life and love!
So sorry to hear this. *hugs*
I know it's pretty baseless to say that you shouldn't let her words affect you, but trust me, after a while these words won't matter. Of course they find manifestation in our adult lives but frankly, your mom is not going to be there forever and you'll get to live in a world without her. I know this is harsh but a silver lining, eh? And trust me, there's a reason you're here :) even if you don't know, I'm sure you make living better for someone! Trust the process of healing, good things will find you.
That's the thing, words DO matter, especially if you've been told these things over and over again by your primary caregivers who shaped you into who you are and stopped you from becoming who you could have become. I know you're coming from a good place, but telling children of abusers that "words shouldnt matter and you can forget them" isn't helpful. These aren't things they've said to us once a year...its things they say and do to us on a DAILY basis. Those "just"words do matter and they have shaped you your whole childhood and young adulthood to become who you are, how you speak, how you socialise, how you adapt, how you deal with life etc.Your family lays the foundation for who you become and how you see the world. So those words DO matter. Those words will always hurt, the intensity lessens with time and therapy.
TW Made light of my sexual abuse by my father — “Why are you bringing up things from childhood now?”
Both of them are narcissists if that's the attitude
Disgusting pieces of shits - that's what they are
True don't know which ones worse than the other
F same when I Did bring up SA from my uncle, both my mom and grand mom are like, why are you bringing things from childhood/aka a decade ago and I AM A RUDE/SADDIST PERSON FOR TRYING TO DESTROY MY AUNT'S LIFE, LOL
Ugghhh, idk where to even start: 1) Kutti, randi (bitch, whore) because I was wearing red lipstick 2) Tere jaisi aulaad se toh aulaad na ho toh acha hai ( It's better to be childless than to have you as a child) I refused to help her in some household work because she only asked me, not my brother. 3) Tere din jale hue hai (You will have bad future) because I didn't wake up early enough, according to her 4) Tereko har jagah drama karke meri beijjati karni hoti hai (You always do drama to embarass me) because I was going through a manic episode and my mom took me to a fucking baba who assaulted me. 5) Tu mere bete me najar lagaye baithi hai bachpan se. Usse jalan se marr jayegi (You have an evil eye on my son since birth. You will die because you are jealous of him) because I refused to get married in lavishly to an AM guy. My parents wanted to go all out on my wedding to show off their fuck all friends/relatives how great they are and then cut me off from all the inheritance (my parents are decently wealthy and have some very expensive real estate investments). I refused to be their puppet and demanded my half of property. My mom said she will live with his son, not me, so it's fair. I have always been jealous of my brother ( because I demanded fair split of household work) and my brother's misfortunes ( his drinking, smoking and reckless spending) are because of my evil eye lol. Fast forward, my brother got married and alot of shit happened within an year. Now my SIL from hell, won't even let my brother visit home and refuses to even talk to them lol. My mom cries crocodile tears and wants me to be an emotional tampon now. Fuck off, mom. This is what you deserve. Lmao, i didn't have to wait long for Karma 😂🤣 I am genuinely so happy to be away from this circus. I like my brother, i miss him sometimes but i dont have the mental capacity to handle him. I went NC with my parents few months ago and now she complains to anyone who will listen how she has the most ungrateful daughter who is enjoying her life abroad on her money. She made the biggest mistake by sending me abroad and now I have become western. Only contribution my parents did towards my upbringing was financial and that also stopped once i finished undergrad (I got a job post that and I funded my grad school abroad through education loan and savings and I never liked her even when I lived in India lol). Funny thing is that, even now, her son is so innocent and SIL has brainwashed him and I am the ungrateful one. Atleast I ask my cousins that she is doing okay, every month 🙄 My brother who lives an hour away, doesn't even bother with that.
>Now my SIL from hell, won't even let my brother visit home and refuses to even talk to them lol. My mom cries crocodile tears and wants me to be an emotional tampon now. Satisfying read.
Idk whether I should thank my SIL for bringing my mom few pegs down or loathe her for all the abhorrent vile shit she says. Hence, I don't bother with her either.
Doesn't matter dude, your mom is getting it back with interest.
She is amazing at vicitmising herself in every situation. She had even victimised her now and my braindead relatives/neigbours agree with her. She is absolutely so sweet and innocent in front of everyone and then would do a 180° and say vile shit to me in private. It was so isolating and lonely growing up because noone ever understood or beleived me since she is mother India. Even now, it's impossible to open up to anyone about this irl because she is my mom afterall. I am glad to atleast have this understanding community to vent.
Ugh been there man. The whole charade of them being absolute angels in front of other people and being vile to us is so pathetic and disgusting.
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Thank you so much 💕I really needed to hear this. I was kinda feeling lonely and sad today.
That red lipstick thing hit home. I only started applying it when I was in pre med. And I have a light wheatish skin tone so dark tones of red suit me a lot. Hell only red suits me. I look like a clown in other colours. Red makes me look hot and sexy and just makes me appearance bright. She used to tell me you look like Chameli. Get the reference please. Ki woh aise lipstick lagate hai. I was so hurt. I didn't pay heed though and still to this date wear red only. But my sister is the youngest and has been using make up since school and usko kuch nahi boli kabhi.
Ohhh girl, i got it. My mom would straight up call me whore, not even like veiling it. Funny thing is that I don'f even wear red regularly. Just sometimes, on weekends, when I have plans to go out. I feel it's too much for office. I have one Mac Ruby woo, which is with me since 6 years and still half left, so you can imagine. My mom also has my brother, the golden child who can do no wrong. If I pull half the shit my brother did, i would have been long dead. SMH.
That's she's ashamed to go to family functions with me because I'm too skinny and apparently my mom's CONVINCED that i am skinny due some undetected sickness. I've been taken to doctors ever since i remember to get "treated", the most recent one being this month. I'm 25. Even the doctor said some people just do not gain weight and it's fine but my mother's was like "no but that's not the case with you i know, you need to eat and then you'll gain weight". My mother genuinely believes I'm sick. Random people comment on my health and my mother never ever defends me.
I'm also considered "skinny" by some stupid standards. But I've never had to go thru the kind of shit u get from ur mom. I'm sorry for that...but I can relate to the random people commenting on weight. I do my best to ignore those comments but sometimes I'll try to logically point out about how weight doesn't equate health and that I can be healthy and thin at the same time. But people don't understand. And that's when I have to remind myself that some people r willfully ignorant and insensitive and I can't change it. I remember this very vividly - When I was a little kid, my parents asked my doc about my low weight and he assured that it's in my genetics to be thin and to not worry about it. I'm so glad he said that and I've carried those words with me in the back of my mind ever since then. I didn't fully realise it until I read ur comment but it's that bit of statement from that doc that's given me confidence against the endless amount of people who've commented on my weight. I hope u can also keep a medical professional's comment over the ignorant and rude people's judgemental nonsense.
Thank you so much. 💚
Ohh this I'm skinny too and my mom is ashamed of me but for a little different reason. My mom's thing is that people assume I don't eat well and she thinks it means they think she doesn't feed me well so everytime we meet a relative it's hell for me for a couple of days about how I should fatten up and stop embarassing her
I mean at this I've just stopped trying to make her understand that I'm comfortable in my skin and it's fine if I'm skinny. There hasn't been a single day in my life especially since i hit my twenties where my health wasn't discussed. Every.single.day.
O wow. My favourite game. "You don't deserve to be loved." "Your bf broke up with you because you disobey and backanswer me."
Love the classic mom shots. It's like they teach it on "how to be a sucky mom" WhatsApp forward.
We've always grown up with less money. Privileged household but less family income. Anyway, she has always made me feel that I should be soo grateful for her for doing the bare minimum & that I didn't deserve the love I get. I didn't help her in the household chores so I'll never be able to achieve anything in life & that I didn't deserve to be happy. On my 18th birthday.
"You deserve to have bad things happen to you." (Bad things in the sense, sexual violence) •́ ‿ ,•̀
You're just a mistake! When I was in class 7th, I came home late due to my project at a friend's place who lived a few blocks away, my mom told me, some man on the road will snatch your boobs away and you'll cry. I'll break your legs if you ever come this late and it was 6 in the evening. Chal bhag yha se!Hatt! Hatt! like she'd address an animal. You didn't get abused you just wanted sex. I was 14. Dealing with an ed, i lost weight too much and she's like isne sex kia hai bht isliye wazan kam hogya dikhne me lgta hai ye gandi hai.
I was in class eleventh and studying in a coaching centre. There some boys teased me. When I told mother she told me "There are girls preitier than you. Why would boys tease you?" She also prefers my younger sibling. Because of this toxic atmosphere we siblings don't talk last 2 years. It breaks my heart. I loved her. But she is not bothered if i am dead or alive.
- don't come back home ever - go die on your way to college - i regret having you - i don't even know who you are - i wish i had aborted you - i wish you had killed yourself - look at yourself, no one will ever love you plus much more but this is all generic stuff isn't it?
Lol a lot. But these are the highlights that fuck with me decades later and have given me lifelong insecurities that I’ve been in therapy for for years. [ Any moms reading this please be careful about what you say to your children even if you think they won’t remember it because they’re too young - sometimes it’s the only thing they remember] 1. Good you were born a girl. You’re useless we’ll just marry you off. 2. ( While “teaching” me how to cook when I’m crying) Atleast learn this, we’ll marry you off the minute you graduate from 12th. You’re good for nothing 3. You’re good for nothing just like your father. He’s going to make you a prostitute and earn off of your body ( I was in 9th grade) 4. You’re a waste of space a waste of money 5. I don’t know how and why (now-husband then-boyfriend ) tolerates you 6. I don’t buy anything for myself, all I have done is for you 7. You only look good because you’re thin. When you keep hearing that you’re useless, anything you do is criticised beyond measure, you’re not treated with an ounce of respect, called names, never given the chance to explain yourself, beaten and when money, love, appreciation, touch, is withheld from you and all you’ve known in your only “safe space” is inconsistent angry outbursts this is what happens to you as an adult. Cue my 20s - 1. You go out of your way to make people love you making it ripe for people to take advantage of you 2. But you view any kind of love or care towards you with suspicion. Never accepting appreciation or kind words or deeds. 3. You fill every single second of your day with things to do because rest is evil and resting means you’re useless and how dare you not be productive 4. Guilt is second nature - it informs your every action - you can’t eat things, buy things, do things for yourself without immediately feeling guilty that you could have saved money or been productive or done something for someone else 5. You low key have disordered eating and financial habits because a small cup of coffee with Parle g should keep me full and if I eat dinner at 6pm that should be enough for lunch and dinner 6. You absorb everyone’s emotions and are the peacekeeper and the doormat for anyone to dump their thoughts on you. More than that you feel responsible and compelled to “help “ and overextend yourself to solve everyone s problems 7. You probably spend a lot of time scrolling on your phone, picking on your skin, being high and have 0 memories and are mostly disassociated 8. You’re terrified of making even a tiny mistake because of how you were yelled at. You don’t take risks. You stay comfortable and by the time you hit your late 20s you can’t function anymore because you’re paralysed by anxiety and depression and the self-hate reinforces itself because now you can’t even muster the energy to pretend. 9. [added] You stay in toxic jobs, keep giving toxic people a chance, stay in toxic environments because you’re so used to the self-neglect and need for love that you don’t even recognise if the situation is bad for you
I relate so hard with every point you mentioned. I would like to add that you have difficulty showing/feeling any kind of emotions because you were always asked to shut it down. When you show emotions, it's always anger outburts because that's the only emotion you are familiar with. My parents and my mental illness completely wrecked my 20s. I am 29 and I feel I am finding my bearings now. It's still hard and I feel frustrated with myself somedays. But I am getting better at maintaining boundaries, cutting off toxic people, letting out my emotions and just being a better person than what my parents taught me to be.
I agree 100%. I struggle to verbalise and identify how I feel. My feelings are never validated, accepted and taken seriously. The only emotion I knew was anger. I’ve always explained away what I’m feeling … intellectualising it and justifying other peoples actions but never did it for myself. I’m sorry you went through this too sis and I’m glad you’re working on boundaries. Remember that healing will not come from the same place as the hurt did. You’ll have to give yourself what you didn’t get.
I'm sorry too that you had a fuckall mother just like me. >Remember that healing will not come from the same place as the hurt did. You’ll have to give yourself what you didn’t get. Thank you :) I will save this comment 💙
Always comparing me with other people's kids - their marks, their success, their marriage status. Although this stopped when I grew up because I learnt how to argue and answer back. But as a child always thinking log kya kahenge and expecting the same things out of me that other people's successful kids. And me being a people pleaser did whatever I could. Worst idea. Should have gone after my own interests. Wanted to study psychology, ended up doing engineering which I hated.
My mom has said some awful things to me I don’t want to remember or write down because I don’t want to get into that rabbit hole. However, after my marriage she has completely changed as a person. I wonder what made her so spiteful in my childhood and what made her take a 360 degree change after my weddinng
Maybe responsibility? Indian parents think that marrying their kids off means they are no longer responsible for them
I think it's because distance makes the heart grow fonder. I am not saying that what she did to you is justifiable. I think this can be due to the weirdly collective nature of the Indian society where moving out is a taboo and so many relations are strained because of the claustrophobic proximity
I haven’t lived with my parents since I was 15, moved out for education. So that’s definitely not the case. Ig she thinks I achieved the ultimate goal by getting married
"tum aur dadi ek jaise ho"
I am 24 and earn fairly well for my age (think in 2l pm) and I bought a house only because my mom complained all her life that she wanted to live in a bigger house and then one day she was complaining how this house is also like narak (hell) and I reminded her this hell is everything i earn and everything I am going to earn for next 10 years while people my age live a very different life without such commitments. She got even more offended and said “Tum bhi dusro k bachcho jaise hi ho” It really hurt me because all I wanted her to know was that this is all I have from my professional life and I have given it to her dream and I feel dejected that I am or good enough for her :( There are constant bickering around how she paid for our education..etc which I think all parents SHOULD do. But man when I read rest of the comments I still think she is a pretty great mom just does not manage few emotions well.
I hate how my brain gets all numb and blank when thinking about trauma. She called an exorcist to our house because I was depressed and having panic attacks and this stranger fucking grabbed my neck and make me choke for a good minute chanting some weird bullshit and my mother and father standing right there didn't say anything. then i was crying on the floor because how humiliating and traumatizing it was and my mother makes tea for this man and my parents sit in the living room entertaining him like a welcome guest. brb gonna cry
I'm so sorry that is MESSED UP!
That I'm a hoe That I should've died That I sleep with guys That I'm dead for her I've lost count now
As a kid she told me I was beautiful to her only cuz I am her child but not to the world.
Thank she said that atleast you are beautiful to her. My mom says even though you are my child I don’t find you beautiful🥲
I was obese during childhood and my mother commented on my weight which hurt me very much 1. I look like a mom of 2 children when I was 16 2. Told me that she will cut my breasts in half when she got angry over something. I was ~15 then and developing breasts. Apart from this she has been very abusive and a bully towards me in childhood.. I seek comfort in the fact that god has already punished her with a lot of diseases and karma will balance it out.
I’m so sorry. Many hugs to you. Been there.
* You only bring humiliation to me by not getting married. * You were... With men ( i had 2 serious relationships)
>You were... With men Imagine her reaction, god forbid you date a woman 💀
Disowned 😂😂😂
NGL, i revel in the fact that my mom is seething everyday that her 29 year old daughter is unmarried and she can do absolutely nothing in her power to change that.
On most days she's loving. Only when she loses it, these things come out. But it stayed with me, though it was said only once or twice. I'm appalled looking at other comments here!!!
“ paida nai hui hoti to meri life achi hoti” (if you weren’t born, I would have been in a far better place) “Apne baap se hi chipki rehti h sharam nai aati isko” ( She keeps clinging onto her father, she has no shame)
Infertile people who are dying to get pregnant don't get kids ... but why do such a********* get to damage an innocent kid
I used to think I must have done something wrong that I have such mother because everyone else got better than her 🤦🏽♀️ Took lot of therapy to realise that all of this was her issue not mine.
I am glad you realized it....
>paida nai hui hoti to meri life achi hoti” (if you weren’t born, I would have been in a far better place) Relatable tbh, and i know this damage is irreversible but we are all glad you are here and even if i don't know you, you make this planet a better place to live in :) please know that even if life is cruel, you are loved and good things are on your way <3 >Apne baap se hi chipki rehti h sharam nai aati isko” ( She keeps clinging onto her father, she has no shame) lmfao sounds like someone is just jealous and i wonder why you don't stay clingy with your mother huh
Thank you so much for your kindness ❤️ This is not even 1% of what I have been hearing since as long as I remember. I have been linked with men in my family by her since I was of 5/6 years old, not sure why. I have slowly learned to tune her out :)
I wish you luck on your future endeavours and I'm sorry if I said anything that was wrong or hurtful.
No ofcourse not, Infact thank you for being this kind. 🥹
Your mother is vile.
You are absolutely right 🤭
Bruh what's wrong with being friends with your dad? Freaking weird!!
She thinks the problem they have with each other is because he loves me instead of her :)
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Hey! I am all strong now :) sending all the love and hugs to you too ❤️🫂🫶🏽
My mom said that it was my fault I was r*ped
🤕 sorry dude. *hugs*
What 😢 It is her fault to have a mentality like that.. You are a hero a survivor..a thing to shine
I bet you'll get SAed if you go to . If you don't, I'll change my name
Stay away from strangers (boys) but want me to marry a stranger (arranged marriage) I am good until I am sanskari I can’t make mistakes
They are many, but I'll list a few: 1. She wished she was "banjh," meaning she can't give birth to a child rather than have me. She said it's thrice or twice may be many more times.mind you, I was below 15. 2. If I wanted to pursue dancing that too in front of anyone that makes me a "dancer" (nachaniya) 3. I was going for a school trip for a few days, and she warned me that no matter what, I don't do anything (as in sex ). I had just entered the 10th. 4. Regular words were constantly thrown around : pathetic, wish I was never born, how other kids are good, I'm just a waste of space. 5. She once accused me of smoking (I never smoked in my life) because one of her friends told her :) I would get beaten up a lot :) Now she says that I never did anything outside school(that too, I'm not good) like I wanted to, but you were let me? I was never pushed to go for sports or dancing or instruments, nothing.
Reading the comments made me realize how loving and perfect my own mother is. She never misses a chance to hug me, tell me she loves me or smother me with her love. She's also the best cook and the best mom anyone can expect! I feel so fortunate, I can share anything and everything with her without her judging me, sure we have our fights and bad days but we always, always end up reconciling. I just want her to live forever.
This gives me hope. Maybe I can be a mother someday and have a similar relationship with my child. That i don't have to end up like my own mother or like so many mothers here. Thanks for sharing
Breaking the cycle is of utmost importance. My mother didn't have an easy relationship with her own mother, in fact, she was mostly absent during my mother's upbringing (she was brought up by her elder sister, my mausi). I'm proud of the fact that you have decided to break this chain. Good luck!
same😭❤️
Why do you want to do this master's degree?
My bade papa (father's older brother) had touched me inappropriately at a family function. He was drunk. I was 14. My mother saw it happening but she didn't react. I started sobbing and said I'm making a big deal out of it. Cut to ten days later. We're supposed to go to their place. I'm still traumatized with what happened. I don't want to go. I refuse to get out of my bed because I just don't want to face him. I have a few relatives at home and they try to drag me and get me out of bed. I just wouldn't budge. After a long while they gave up and everyone left. When I saw they left, I got out of my bed and my mother re-entered the house. She saw me up and she hit me on my back and obviously I started crying. She left and she said "ab kyu ro rahi ho, jo chahiye tha wo mil gaya na".
I'm so sorry that happened 🫂
This post is really hurtful to read and brings me back a lot of bad memories from my childhood.
My mother casually dropped 'You have wasted 4 years of your life' today after I was trying to do interview prep and struggling with some generic questions. I have severe social anxiety and have stuck to my current company as it provides WFH but this kind of stunted my professional growth. I'm aware this is a trade off, but my family hates it as I don't bring in as much as money as they expected. They try to pretend to be supportive and understanding but these kind of comments sometimes slip out and it hurts a lot ngl.
My husband’s mother legit threw him out of the house, just cause. She’s said so many hurtful things. Can’t even begin to imagine being in his shoes.
Same thing happened to my uncle.....but instead of seeking therapy ... he chose to torment and frequently get angry on people around him
It does anger my husband but he got mental peace out of this exercise so he and I choose to focus on that. But yes the resentment doesn’t just go away, you have to actually have something good in your life to find that positivity. Some women aren’t meant to be mothers and that’s okay but in his mom’s generation that wasn’t an option.
" ye kaha jaa rhi hai thunder thighs leke, jaa change krke aa" this was when I was 13-14 and was going somewhere wearing shorts, I was a little over weight at this time. I internalized this to the extent that I'm 25 years old now and still avoid wearing shorts to this day because whenever I do this statement literally echos in my head. Also that I have shinchan like eyebrows and a Pakoda nose. Now that I think of it all my insecurities stem from my mother.
She told me in a very matter of fact manner that I just was not a good looking person. And I should just accept it. She was also shocked that I found my soul mate and he was actually in love with me. Hurts more than I want to admit tbh. Usually mothers tend to view their children through rose colored glasses.
1. Had a life threatening surgery (tumor related), came home a few days after and had to get some tests done. I was about to go to sleep but decided to have one snack before retiring. She started shouting at me for not preparing for the tests (the tests were supposed to be fasting) and told me "Jo karna hai karo, marna hai maro" 2. Told me MANY times in MANYY ways that nobody will be happy with me. I think I've started believing it. 3. Regularly tells me this or that part of my body looks fat. That if I fix that one part, I'd start looking a little "normal" (I gained weight due to my tumor related reasons) I know the question was "most" hurtful but on a daily basis, these comments feel incredibly hurtful and with constant repetition, it's really hard not to believe it.
I am very close to my mother and honestly it’s mostly a love relationship but I can’t help to notice the problematic things in her. She hasn’t told me many vile things, just the usual study banter to make my life better. But the one thing that has stuck to me and did ruin my self image until 25 is the amount of hair I have on my body and face. She would just casually point it out of nowhere during a conversation in the lines of “Oh my god, you have so much of facial hair.” And she told me the same line like some 100 times as if she discovered it for the first time. It didn’t irk me that she pointed out my facial hair because I KNEW my hair growth was abnormal but I was sad that she just pointed it out and never really helped me with a solution. It was always don’t shave, don’t thread, don’t pluck. So basically just stick with it and listen to her picking up on my inferiority. Nevertheless, I am 25 now and I shave my face. I am also financially independent and live alone so I can legit wax my whole body whenever I want. It’s a pretty small thing but I hated it so much. I know shaving/ threading/ plucking might not suit everyone and my mother might have tried to protect me from it, but then what’s the use of pointing it out to me… I didn’t have the eyes to see it myself?
My biggest mistake is not aborting you
Reading all these comments bring back so many fu\*ked up memories. This post is actually the one that should have a trigger warning These are what my mum said to me 1. Go die, we will cry for a day and go on with our lives. We don't give a shit abt you. ( heard this all my life ) 2. I am ashamed of giving birth to a slut like you, I am unable to face the neighbours because of your character (she said this because a guy in our neighbourhood was stalking me when I was in 9th std ) 3. Whom did you sleep with all this time? You are so desperate to have sex with boys ( this was told to me because I bunked tuition and went to eat pani poori in 10th std ) 4. Of course, boys will come behind you because you are desperate
Been there. I’m so sorry. Good luck on your healing journey :)
Reading this comment section is heartbreaking. Women, there's so much power in having your story heard and i hear all of you. Also, i wish all your in mums healing so that they realize what they did someday in this life
Called me an ugly duckling when I was really small . The irony is she calls me a model now , but I always felt ugly as a kid thanks to that and other incidents which cemented my self worth at that time
Omg what are these comments!! I guess I'm very lucky! My mom has always been loving, supportive and awesome. Same with my dad. She never makes me feel insecure or less. Damn I'm blessed af. Touchwood. God really blessed me with the best parents I could ever ask for.
sameee *touchwood*
This thread made me realise that my mother is a freaking angel. She’s not perfect but she has never said anything hurtful to me and meant it. Some of y’all’s birthgivers are straight up abusers and I’m so sorry for that. If a child can’t even trust their parent then how are they supposed to trust anyone else? So much power to anyone with such parents.
During my teenage, I was being very stubborn & then she cursed me. She told me I’ll never achieve anything in my life. Now my mind instantly reminds me of it every time I fail in something. And I believe her curse worked & is still working on me.
....Oh damn you guys been going through a lot. Hugs for everyone who needs it 🥺❤️
my 14 year old self got called a slut for sexting people on multiple occasions lolol (kinda deserved imo)
On not getting into the masters program of their choosing: I'll strip you naked and parade you around the streets and tell men to 🍇 you. I'll hack you to bits with a butcher's knife. Can't remember why, just that they were drunk: I pray to God you get run over by a car. Told me to kill myself while holding a knife. Like they picked out what I had to kill myself with. Lmaoooooo
Mine told me that my husband (who she doesn’t like) has too much earning potential and I’m fat so he will cheat on me unless I lose weight.
That she’s sure I was changed at birth coz how she can give birth to someone who doesn’t respect her and that my lupus diagnosis is because I deserve it.
Wow my mom is an angel compared to monster mothers of some comments 😢
After reading this I have new found respect for my mom. Of ourse she've also done all these things in one level or another but I don't hold anything against her or don't even remember. I guess that's just me
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no need for a comment like this. this post is for people who may not be that blessed in this respect, and so they can find some comfort knowing they’re not alone. your comment is insensitive
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…no? it’s just rude to talk about how lovely your mother is on a post aimed at bringing together those who missed out on that
My mom is an angel. I love her to bits and she’s done nothing other than empowering me. We have the odd fight or two but generic shit. Im sorry for everyone here who had to deal with toxic parents. More power to you.
Most hurtful I felt when I was told that I spent too much unnecessarily and I don’t respect or value money while I try to save 90% of my salary and shop things I like sometimes , guess they are not habituated with regular shopping like this but it hurts when they say that none in our family spends like that. Other than that I admit they’re being nice supportive parents, exactly I’d have liked them to be 🙂