T O P

I was an early 90s special ed kid and I'm lost now.

I was an early 90s special ed kid and I'm lost now.

AddictedToCoding

Writing your thoughts as a way to let them out might definitely help! If you can afford a regular psychologist consult, that would help too. Putting your story in writing can be a cheaper way to start. But psychology therapy would go faster. Also, would remove some pressure to your wife, so it stays a good relationship. Once you're better, you'll be able to close that chapter bh publishing that book. Before that, you need to be at peace with it


jessid6

I agree! The first thing my therapist told me to do was to write. And it’s painful and raw and brings up memories I didn’t know I lost and ultimately it’s therapeutic


cyclicamp

And to add for OP, it doesn’t have to be written for anybody to read. Just the act of writing helps. It doesn’t have to ultimately end up as a full story or book, but it’s great practice if one does eventually want to get to that goal one day.


jessid6

Great point


snackitysnack

I've started reading a book 'The body keeps the score' which I highly recommend. It's based on trauma and how it can keep us rooted and stuck in the past and talks through the different methods of treatment - medication, psychotherapy but also meditation, yoga etc. People who suffer from trauma may have PTSD symptoms that are difficult to reconcile without help.


Melbonie

Seconded. "The Body Keeps The Score" is life changing.


purple_pixi

Yup totally agree with this I have suffered for years from a range of trauma based issues including intense night terrors and dissociative episodes etc. Etc. But working with my psych and having a fantastic partner and using some of the tools in this book and also hearing others stories has really helped me. Especially to not feel like I am "crazy". I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard time. I'm glad you have people you love, and I hope you manage to find a way to improve your quality of life.


jokertendencies

I just started this book last night! I love it so far.


42Daft

The first step in getting help is knowing you need help. I am sorry you had a rough start, doesn't mean you have to stay there. Write it out, read, get help, find whatever you need to do to get better. It is possible to become better. I believe in you.


LockedOutOfElfland

One thing to consider here: the OP getting "help" might actually be a frightening and traumatizing prospect since most of the trauma and abuse they endured in the past was under the pretext of trying to "help" them.


nevetsnight

True but they are an adult now so things are much different. When you have so much abuse/trauma if you don't deal with it you can never escape it. As someone whom has suffered ptsd, which OP would most definately have mixed in there, you need to start unpacking it so good stuff can take its place. Its a very hard scary journey, but it can be done. Good luck OP, pls keep us informed how u go


xeokym

you're right.


oda1337

Yea prob not easy but what’s the alternative? Being miserable :s.


LockedOutOfElfland

I just worry about OP running into some out of touch "mental health professional" with hostile, antiquated, or abusive attitudes to persons with (non-physical) disabilities. If I were in OP's position, I'd trust mental health professionals about as much as I trust cops (which is to say not at all).


m155h

You can still find the wright match and trying is better than nothing, I really recommend the book "The body keeps the score", it is about trauma, ist medical history, possible treatments, case studies, different forms of trauma and even has a part about how to find a fitting therapist! Without that book I would have never gone into therapy and would have probably killed myself by now. PS: if OP can look over the tuff guy mentality of David Goggings, I would always recommend the book "can't hurt me", it has some really valuable parts for dealing with your past and using it as a tool for growth


xeokym

They're not being involuntarily committed, they'd be looking for a therapist. If you don't like the way the therapist is handling things or how they make you feel, you can pick another one. No one can force you to do anything. I was seeing a psychiatrist who kept pushing for me to get electroshock therapy. I made it clear I wouldn't do it and said no over and over, yet he'd bring it up again and again. Finally I went to another place. I think sometimes doctors forget that *you're* paying *them.* And patients sometimes do, too. You don't walk into Walmart and have someone follow you around pushing a product on you that you don't want, right? Well doctors can't tell you that you *have* to do something or take a certain medication, either.


feed-my-brain

This right here. I lived a very fucked childhood (homeless and drugged out at 13) and early adulthood before getting off drugs around 2006, then both my parents died from lung cancer 3 months apart in the middle of the damn recession when we were all jobless and struggling. I had my first kid at 18, second at 19, third just before my parents died. We had nobody. Nobody gave a fuck. I went hungry so many nights, whilst crying over my sleeping children in some shitty run-down trailer. I didn't give up. I struggled. I stole to feed my children. I quarreled with other homeless families over the shit winn-dixie didn't slice up and was still edible in the dumpster. I lost dignity and self-respect begging for and keeping shit jobs... but I never gave up. I managed to keep my family together, safe, and fed. Throughout all this, I have what I've learned is "prolonged grief" but it feels like fucking PTSD, the constant reliving of watching my parents die while I sat by idly, in horror... in denial. I just recently learned how to stop the panic attacks, but they linger. I tear up just typing this. I can't watch movies where people die without the visions, flashing through my brain like nam' flashbacks. It's fucking horrible. But alas, every dog has their day. I'm currently the proud parent of two high school graduates and a cute little gamer nerd 12 year old daughter (completely spoiled and naive zoomer). My wife and I make a combined 90k a year, my house will be paid off in two years, both our brand new cars will be paid off in 3 years, and my credit score is in the 700s (after having been in the 400s for decades). All that being said, I'm still that piece of shit, homeless, criminal drug addict. He's still there... no one else sees it, but the trauma lies right beneath the surface, ready to consume my emotions at moment's notice. But I never gave up, and I never will.


throwherinthewell

You're so strong 💕


Voice_of_All_Things

Writing it out is hugely therapeutic! I agree!


Fearless_Survey7497

As some one with an IEP too, society sweeps people like us under the rug. You hear media talk about helping women succeed in life all day long, ( getting more women, STEM, Programming) but nothing ever for us.


hafdedzebra

As a parent of a multiply disabled child, who had to sue the school district because they wouldn’t even TRY to help- the standard in the law is so very low. It used to be that they had only to provide “de minimus” benefit. Now the standard is that the educational program has to provide “some” educational benefit. That’s it. It has even been ruled explicitly that the district has “no obligation to help the child achieve their potential” only to prove that the educational program provided “some” benefit. Such a pathetically low bar, most people don’t win even when their child is falling apart. We won. That’s how very bad it was.


wasporchidlouixse

There should be a governmental standard, but that would require a lobby for the disabled with some power. I'm sorry you had to do so much extra as a parent, it really shouldn't be your job to fight the government or the school. You should be able to trust them to meet your child's needs. I'm starting to see that's not really what education is about on even the most basic level in most places.


whatever3572

Just wanted to add you are not the only one who has had to go this route. We also had to take our school district to court when they refused to continue educating our special needs teenager.


kibblet

Ah, had to sue a school district, too. It's awful. It's horrible. When my kid finally got to live independently of me, one of the caseworkers turned to me and said "now you can just be his mom". I knew exactly what she meant.


throwherinthewell

Wow, what happened to "no child left behind?"


hafdedzebra

The law, I learned to my dismay, is meant to provide “a floor”. That’s all. As long as the program is “reasonably designed to provide at least ‘some’ educational benefit”, it passes. In my daughters case, they just flat-out refused to provide even an IEP, just a whole bunch of ADA accommodations, which is why we won.


nonstopfailtrain

"Life often has a way of making people feel small and unimportant. But if you find a way to express yourself through writing, to put your ideas and stories on paper, you'll feel more consequential. No one should pass through time without writing their thoughts and experiences down for others to learn from. Even if only one person, a family member, reads something you wrote long after you're gone, you live on. So writing gives you power. Writing gives you immortality." --Antwone Fisher


AwkwardAlbatross

I'm Breathren's wife. Obviously there is nothing I can say that I don't already say daily, but just remember you are the love of my life. I couldn't imagine navigating this crazy world without you. I'll be here with you every step of every day, whether they are good or bad, happy or sad. You are my person - forever and always. I know I cant always understand what is going on in your head, but I'll always be here. I promise.


ChillWisdom

Well this is lovely. He has so much in you and in having a child together. That is way more than many from a horrible situation like his might even expect from life. If he's interested in trying to get out of the house a little, perhaps starting with just short walks around the neighborhood at night with you and the kiddo might be a good way to start. At night it's quiet and you're not likely to encounter any neighbors.


AwkwardAlbatross

We live on a relatively busy street with no sidewalks so unfortunately that isn't an option but I am trying to push him to leave the house more often.


ChillWisdom

That's great. I hope you two can brainstorm some starting steps he can take to gradually get more comfortable with being out and about in the world.


Catlesley

You’re so lucky to have each other.


AwkwardAlbatross

I sure feel lucky! Thank you :)


chunkifox

Is there a quiet park near by? Or an antique shop or something that usually sits empty? I wish y'all the best <3


Moarwatermelons

Libraries are usually fairly accepting of people as long as you aren't loitering. Maybe you all could go check out a book, game or cd?


K-Zoro

Maybe a small trip to some secluded nature. Somewhere quiet and your family could be totally alone out there. Either way, he sounds very lucky to have you. Best of luck to your family.


TREK_seventwenty

This is one of the most positive things I have ever read. You seem to have the perfect amount love to give. Is someone cutting onions?


amitym

Name does not check out. Nothing awkward there, only grace and true beauty.


AwkwardAlbatross

Awww... while I assure you I am the epitome of awkward, thank you so much for your kind words.


Catlesley

Oh, how sweet!! You’ve both made my day, shown me it can be done.


KDoggg14

hi op’s wife


AwkwardAlbatross

Hi, KDoggg!


FighterPlaneBoi

mans probably fuckin trembling from joy or some shit rn


rienruof

This is so beautiful. You’re both so lucky people


new-to-this-timeline

Well damn, now y’all got me crying in the middle of the day.


fowler_bowler

As a person like your husband who has had little to no support, i can't tell you how much just a kind supportive word feels to us. As others have suggested, encourage him to go on errands with you, even if to just sit in the car as you run in. Dont get mad if he can't leave the house or angry, understand it can be very frustrating to us as an irrational thought as not being able to leave is. You are an amazing woman to be there for him.


VoreLord

I also am breathren's wife


yurmomlemmeusername

....We are all breathren's wife on this blessed day.


WarProgenitor

Damn, I wasn't prepared to cry this evening. Beautifully wholesome. Love like this is more precious than any tangible thing.


theportraitssecret

Take good care of him...


rienruof

She’s not taking care of him. She’s in love


jj-the-best-failture

Can it be that your like the potential rescue for his live


AwkwardAlbatross

Maybe? Though I can't say I am all that much help aside from loving him deeply.


jj-the-best-failture

I was surprised see that he got a wife because I thought he was homeless and didn’t have the a stable psychic to trust any thing


AwkwardAlbatross

He hasn't been homeless since he was a teenager, but I'd wager he is pretty surprised by having a wife as well lol.


duksinarw

This is gonna be downvoted but this reads super weirdly. The combination of the OP, and then his wife coming to the comment section to speak to ostensibly him, but really everyone else. I'm not gonna be the guy to tell someone not to share positivity in this context, but this has a really weird vibe.


AwkwardAlbatross

Lol, I get it. Feel however you'd like to about it. He told me he posted something and when I saw it was about the things he has trouble talking about I just wanted to reaffirm how much I love him and will be here to support him no matter what. I'm just a human who loves the crap outta the other human she married, I'll scream it from the rooftops.


duksinarw

I'm glad you two have each other


Breathren

like that old emo song!!!!!!


LiveForYourself

He had a post a couple of years ago on AITA that matched this post in terms of childhood information and his mother. u/AwkwardAlbatross commented on that saying she was his wife. It’s pretty consistent, I don’t think this guy is lying or faking profiles. He had a rough childhood and I think his wife reads his posts and checks in on him.


Rakhered

It’s wholesome, don’t overthink it. Even if it is fake you can still let it make you smile for a sec


duksinarw

I've never understood the "even if it's fake" argument for emotionally provocative things. Wholesomeness shouldn't prohibit healthy skepticism.


dogGirl666

>Wholesomeness shouldn't prohibit healthy skepticism. One should always be alert for scams, lies, and other trickery, but it does not hurt to either ignore or say something positive because it costs you nothing for either of these strategies. On the other hand if you call every story you hear about severe trauma as "fake" you risk hurting someone that actually does bring their own story out to get support. If they are asking for money, fine, don't give money, but if all they just want support it hurts no one to ignore the story and move on. What if it is fake yet someone has a similar story and reads the nasty comments and disbelief and takes it personally? If you see a scam, fine, please point it out, but if there is no way the storyteller can benefit besides just moral support, maybe ignore it. I'd rather be "tricked" into simply believing a made up story rather than risk hurting some sincere person.


RecordEasy

I agree, it's super weird.


duksinarw

Thank you


itchy_bitchy_spider

I think it depends on the relationship, it would be weird to me as well but it wouldn't happen to me because I am not the type to vent in public setting like OP did. So when you say: > his wife coming to the comment section to speak to ostensibly him, but really everyone else Keep in mind that she is just meeting him where he decided to talk about it. If a reddit post is tangible enough that it can be emotionally soothing for him to vent here, then it's nice for his wife to follow him around being his cheerleader in the comments.


duksinarw

Eh, I disagree. That strikes me as weird for anyone. I know my opinion seems to be unpopular here lol.


itchy_bitchy_spider

It's not my taste but it is a fair point to raise, and you did it respectfully so you've got my upvote lol. Still curious what makes it weird to you though, as > his wife coming to the comment section to speak to ostensibly him, but really everyone else I mean that could be said for basically every type of social media post that isn't a direct message. Facebook wall, tweets, YouTube comments and comments section anywhere really, etc.


Xx_didgy_xX

I can relate to some of your feelings honestly. With repeated longterm trauma during development, the brain naturally cedes normal emotional growth for behavior and thoughts that increase the likelihood of survival or reduce the likelihood of additional discomfort and pain. It's the brain's normal reaction to abnormal stress. The good news is that trauma is treatable. Therapeutic intervention and trauma treatment is available - make it your priority. If you don't have insurance, some therapists offer sliding scale fees based on your income. Very few things are as important as your wellbeing, as that will influence much of how your life continues


AwkwardAlbatross

Hello everyone, If you missed my previous comment I am Breathrens wife. He is currently checked out and not going to be replying to anyone. But I am here to answer some questions with his approval. I will be going back through comments here shortly with replies to those that needed them.


advairhero

You sound like a wonderful, caring person. Thank you for providing some hope in this world!


ImHumanBeepBoopBeep

That's really kind of you, I'm sure he has lots of anxiety about this post, I always get moments of panic after I tried to share. I just shared a comment above, about growing up in crisis and how that trauma has affected me as well. I hope it's helpful. You're a good wife! My bf has agoraphobia & I know the emotional labor that carries too.


Diddleymazzz

You are incredibly strong to be here, I have no advice because everyone is different but I have had talking therapy and it helped a lot. I will pray for you.


Osito509

Trainspotting (the book which was eventually made into a film) by Irvine Welsh is based in something the author originally wrote in rehab from heroin addiction. Writing your life down is a great way of getting your trauma out.


neilnelly

Many people who go through even half of what you went through would develop complex post traumatic stress disorder as a result. I would seek a good psychologist to see if you’ve developed resultant psychological/psychiatric disorders. I wish you good luck, man.


Breathren

i have no insurance, but i recently started therapy through a pay scale thing. weve been hitting the ptsd thing pretty hard. i thought it was going great, then my therapist quit and now i gotta get used to a new person.


allonsy456

Oh that is difficult to go through I’m sorry I hope you can make it through this hurdle and are comfortable with your therapist soon!


ilovechairs

Hey I know you might not get this and I wish you luck in finding and sorting out a new therapist. But I recommend trying some art therapy, you don’t have to paint out your problems but sometimes having something to focus you mind in the here and now can almost be like a nap for the part of your mind that’s usually occupied with your more negative thoughts. It’s helped me get through some hard times by giving me a short distraction, where I can process what I am ready to process at the rate I want.


Spacebeam5000

That's difficult. Hey, I used to teach at a massage school and they were usually student projects that people needed to do. If you can hook up with a school, you might be able to get some good positive touch. Student clinic is cheap and you might be able to be somebody's practice client. Some positive touch might be a good compliment to your therapy


Lazy_Title7050

I never thought of that! Honestly it’s an excellent idea because it can allow someone to de-stress since ptsd can be so stressful and you can end up with a lot of cortisol in your system from so much stress which can be really bad for the body.


JG_in_TX

Breathren, I don’t want to sound like I’m blowing sunshine up your butt and I can only imagine the long-term struggles you’ve been through. HOWEVER, you have a very loving wife and a great child and you are clearly proud of that. You also have some sound recommendations for moving things in a positive way (book and/or blog). Despite the hardship you are moving forward with some great ideas. Also picking up a hobby might help too…for example I got an electric skateboard about a year ago and it’s been such a great thing in my life as it completely clears my mind. Let us know if you start up a blog!


AwkwardAlbatross

Wife here again: I noticed it mentioned by multiple people that he should seek therapy so thought I'd also clarify - He is currently in therapy. I think at this point I have answered all questions.


mdomo1313

I have a question related to therapy. Have you two ever thought about trying alternative therapy practices for extreme ptsd or trauma, like MDMA therapy with a certified therapist who specializes in that sort of thing? Or other non conventional types of therapy?


AwkwardAlbatross

A lot of people on here have brought that up. He has thought about it but never done it. We aren't against non traditional types of therapy but he needs to take baby steps, you know? Just getting used to a therapist again as an adult was hard for him, now his therapist quit and he has to start all over again. Maybe he will try something different eventually.


mdomo1313

That’s great you both know to take it slow. Baby steps are the best steps to take with mental health. That’s got to be tough that his therapist quit, I’m sorry to hear about that. That takes a lot of time to bond with someone and get comfortable enough to trust them with personal information. Hope he can find someone he trusts as much as you again soon. If you have questions about the process, like if he could get used to and comfortable with a therapist before taking any drugs, it might be worth looking into it and asking the people performing these types of therapies personally. They would also be able to answer your questions better than any of us on here. mdmaptsd.org This is the website to contact them through if you’re interested. Whatever happens in the future I wish you both tremendous happiness and clarifying answers to your problems.


c419331

Oh man if you do a blog let us know. I would love to read it. BUT only do it if it's therapeutic and will help you. Reliving some of this nightmare may not be worth it unless you're willing to work through it. I'm no psychology expert either..


borderline_cat

Hey man, I know trauma can feel like it define you, and sometimes maybe it does. That’s okay. In reality tho, our traumas do not define us, they are not us. They are a piece of us. A part of us that has been violated, hurt, abused, and/or utterly terrified before our brains could fully grasp the situation we were put in. Restraints are horrible and I’m so sorry that you had so many done to you that you have shoulder problems. Proper restraints shouldn’t hurt someone, but not everyone/everywhere does proper restraints. Care homes can be (and mostly are) shit. I was in 3 from 15-17 yrs old. I got into multiple physical altercations at each home. I was never an outwardly violent kid, but I was constantly being attacked by bigger girls. I also can understand/relate to not leaving the house. I leave my house only if I really have to. I hardly go out “for fun”, especially with Covid. My form of shutdown is to just isolate and become mute. Therapy can be daunting and terrifying to get yourself into. I dont know if you’re in therapy now, but maybe it might be worth it to look into it. Lots of places are offering telehealth appointments so you don’t even have to physically go see the therapist, just log onto the computer. If you do seek therapy, try finding a therapist who is knowledgeable about trauma in every form. Not all therapists are good with handling trauma. The second care home i was in, as soon as I divulged my trauma, she threw me straight into a trauma narrative. That only retraumatized me and made me not talk about my trauma for another 4-5 yrs. I wish you the best my man. Trauma is shitty and hard to overcome, but you can do it. Healing is anything but linear, but to heal is to grow. And growing around the trauma feels nice. I don’t think I’ll ever be “rid of” my trauma, but I can shrink the pain and grow around it to be better than traumatized me was.


My_Immortal_Flesh

With all of those traumas you suffer, How the hell did you get a wonderful wife and family? I’m over here with minor traumas, many friends and a fun life and I can’t find anyone to love me 😭😭😭 Anyways, seek therapy and don’t let your child be raised around someone who doesn’t know how to enjoy their life. Be what your family was never for you.


Breathren

Ive told her this exact thing. its a philosophical conundrum. i know how it happened, but why is the question. i found her and she found me in an ocean of faces, how the hell did that happen?


Lavishness-Economy

Perhaps soulmates are real after all…


Meglamar

I'm sorry this happened to you. I've had some of the similar trauma. Things like food hording, and worrying you won't have a home are tough habits to get over and to some extent you never really get over. For what it's worth you've already come along way. As for feeling lost in the world I think allot of us 90s kids feel lost. We all pinned our hopes on a brighter future and when we got here we found out it was yet another lie. For what it's worth your not alone. What I've found helps the most is focus on the next hurdle, the next big choice. Enact planes that help mitigate your anxieties. Save extra money to know you have a cusion, that kind of thing. As for the trust I can't help you there I still don't. Truth be told as much as I want friendships, and sense of community they give me anxiety. Focus on what you can control. It sounds like you have some great people in your life so put the extra effort into caring for them. It does get better just a little at a time. Hang in there you've gotten this far.


GoodFortuneHand

Same comment as above (formatting), do not upvote: I'm sorry this happened to you. I've had some of the similar trauma. Things like food hording, and worrying you won't have a home are tough habits to get over and to some extent you never really get over. For what it's worth you've already come along way. As for feeling lost in the world I think allot of us 90s kids feel lost. We all pinned our hopes on a brighter future and when we got here we found out it was yet another lie. For what it's worth your not alone. What I've found helps the most is focus on the next hurdle, the next big choice. Enact planes that help mitigate your anxieties. Save extra money to know you have a cusion, that kind of thing. As for the trust I can't help you there I still don't. Truth be told as much as I want friendships, and sense of community they give me anxiety. Focus on what you can control. It sounds like you have some great people in your life so put the extra effort into caring for them. It does get better just a little at a time. Hang in there you've gotten this far.


Meglamar

Yeah sorry am on mobile it just kinda does that sometimes. Thank you.


GoodFortuneHand

You are welcome.


thfffffpppt

I’m a registered therapist, please always feel free to reach out on Reddit to chat :)


comfort_bot_1962

:D


comfort_bot_1962

:D


comfort_bot_1962

:D


comfort_bot_1962

:D


DoctorRiddlez

a few questions I don't mean to sound rude, but why were you pumped full of meds that caused you to drool. also why were you restrained to a bed cause holy shit this sounds like a horror novel did you have people who cared for you as in a family or anyone who would help you


AwkwardAlbatross

Breathrens wife here - I think the drooling was just an exaggeration. But he was heavily medicated at the time because... well... he had violent outbursts, mental health issues, and it was the late 80's / early 90's. Psychological care back then was a whole lot of "put them on pills so they are a zombie". He was restrained because of those violent outbursts. As for family or support system: He is an only child of a single mom who kicked him out at a young age. He didnt have much of a support system.


josh1037

I was treated the same way most of my childhood just for being depressed. Needless to say it didn’t help.


MurphysLaw1995

I dont know what you mean when you say "it never pans out", but you can still write your story. You could start by writing your autobiography and then self-publish it. If you dont know how or where to start once you've written it, you could go on reddit and start passing your story around. Your fellow redditors (aka me) can proofread it, give you our opinions and help refine it. After you get some readers (again, I volunteer as tribute), you can start by [Self publishing](https://kdp.amazon.com/en_US?ref_=kdpgp_p_us_psg_gt_hv_ad1&gclid=CjwKCAjw_JuGBhBkEiwA1xmbRfpFqOh_e5KfJ7Ma64Vfk5XcKeQ_w7qEqY1iaQCZYx0pkIHmBrUhhRoCCcsQAvD_BwE) your book on Amazon. Ive heard its quite easy. It may sound stupid, but alot of self-published autobiographies i've read/heard about were from Tiktok. They get alot of traction actually. Normal people telling us about their trauma get alot of views. Many writers go on TikTok and tell us snippets about their lives and then tell us about their book and they often get sold out. Check it out.


LemonPeelScent

Make a series of tiktok or youtube videos about you coming out of the house for the first time in 4 years. I think people would dig it. I had a friend like you who had stayed in his basement for many years. He was one of the firsts to make videos of eating fast food on camera and later on started a podcast.


trolleysolution

I would watch the shit out of that on TikTok


iglootyler

You seem to have something a lot of people will never know with your wife. I know it sucks and it doesn't change anything but I hope you can continue to find solace in your family.


IvanJustIvan

I'm so glad you put it out there, such a hard life that I can't imagine living, but still you hold on and keep going. Blessings to you and your family


hogey74

Shit dude. Tough, big question: are you somewhat autistic and/or with personality disorder stuff going on? The mental health stuff you grew up with then your reaction to the system and what sounds like super dooper anxiety now... I see that kind of pattern a lot in my work with autism. A child will be diagnosed and getting support (where I come into the picture) but there will be plenty of undiagnosed stuff going on in the family. If you're willing to consider this, it's worth it. There is a lot you can do from there including a lot of psychological and medical stuff to help you blossom into your true self. Gabor Mate has some great stuff on child hood trauma and how it causes ADHD, but he doesn't consider the genetics of it all. Great insights on how children are affected by the trauma of their parents even though they don't remember it. Where he trails away is where the other half may well start: if you've got some of those ASD and PD genetics, well you're more likely to have parents with issues but then you're also much more likely to be deeply affected by trauma.


AwkwardAlbatross

In case you missed it with all these comments I'm OPs wife. I think this is my final answer for the night, Breathren wanted me to reply to you. We have suspicions he may be autistic but it's never been diagnosed. He is diagnosed bipolar, ADHD, intermittent explosive disorder, PSTD and... others that I cant remember. I work in the special education / support realm as well and, while it is indirect work for me, I still see a lot of similarities between my husband and some of the cases at work.


marty_76

I would read your book/blog if you ever decide to do it 😊 Edit: Spelling


MrsNoPants420

Cptsd is awful. Its hard to work through too


MrsToneZone

You’ve got to find a way to dial down the volume on that hyper-vigilance, which you relied on to survive for so long. Personally, when the volume on that is extra loud, I start by literally saying to myself “you are safe.” Then you’ve got to find a longer-term solution, whether it’s medical cannabis, or exercise, or something creative, but a constantly-engaged fight-or-flight response is exhausting. Check out the book “The Body Keeps the Score,” and access your resources. I’m sorry you got such a shitty start. But there’s hope. You’ve got this.


wafflecone927

Might want to to try and shed some of these ‘issues’ if possible for your kid. Otherwise explain things when the time is right. I was the child of someone w similar problems and it was basically pushed in my face very akwardly


lurkbehindthescreen

Have you considered doing an AMA? It might prove to be the first step to helping you start writing a blog or a book. I genuinely hope you find solace in your life and things get better for you.


Responsible-Shower68

/r/CPTSD might be a good community for you to consider looking into, based on your childhood experiences. A lot of what you posted resonated with me. [This author was a great resource](http://www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html) for me when I started my efforts to heal from my own childhood trauma and experiences.


SomeRedShirt

Ah, a fellow lost redditor. Greetings fam


NotReallyTaylorSwift

Start working on writing exercises. Every day write for about an hour or so. Get this, what you told us, get it out of your system. Writing, journaling has been very therapeutic for me. The agoraphobia: what I do to work through it is baby steps like in What About Bob. I had just driven across the country and had two nervous breakdowns in less than 5 months from some really stressful people. I would go outside and each day walk around my block where I had just moved to. And then the next day explore the next block. Next thing I knew I had lost 30 pounds in two months just exploring Los Angeles on my walks. It was physically easy but that first few days was mentally terrifying. After a while I fell in love with walking and proud of myself for winning over my agoraphobia. I still have agoraphobia and I just force myself to leave the house. I’m scared of so much and I just do it. I am impressed by what I’ve accomplished. But mentally I am telling you those first few moments are Scary. Like jumping into a cold swimming pool or ocean and realizing it feels great once my body gets used to the cold water.


Eh2ZedSF

That’d be such an awesome way to write the book. As in a “flashback” kind of style. It would also give readers an idea of how OP feels and thinks, with his thoughts scattered everywhere and the inability to keep things/thoughts organized due to the traumas he’s experienced.


mars3127

First of all, I’m incredibly sorry for what happened to you. I was also abused as a child, and developed (diagnosed) Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as a result. There is a uniquely intense pain that runs as an undercurrent to everything I do; I’m sure you can understand what I mean. The first step is to seek help. This step will be the hardest, but I promise, it is the most important one. Receiving proper, ongoing psychiatric care will set the foundation for everything else in your life. Find a psychiatrist, and then a psychologist who specialises in childhood trauma of this nature. There are many psychologists who dedicate themselves to seemingly very niche kinds of trauma. It is very likely that you have trauma-related mental health conditions as a result. I’m not going to try and deduce what these may be, since I am not a doctor and speculation regarding mental health never ends well. It is fundamental that you receive the care and treatment that you need and deserve. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that therapy and medication (if required) will automatically fix whatever you are dealing with, because that’d be a major injustice to you to do so. There will be symptoms, memories and other parts of your trauma that you will always have to carry and have to deal with. However, you can always improve both your mental state and your quality of life. I also became reclusive, but this was during the worst of the abuse in my case. I was also intentionally isolated (the abusers removed me from school so that I would be around to essentially be “available” for them to exploit during the day). Rejoining the outside world can be scary, which is why you need to do this is small steps. A psychologist can help you with this, but the first step I’d recommend is going out for walks in calm, not overly busy places, such as a park, or having someone take you for a drive around places that aren’t overly busy. Grab some fast food, and just drive around for a while. This is a good way to slowly familiarise yourself with the outside world, whilst maintaining a feeling of safety from being in a car, which acts as a sort of protective bubble. I completely understand being terrified of everything and being unable to trust anyone. I will admit, I still struggle greatly with these two symptoms, but I’m actively trying to get better. Remember, you can *always* improve and make progress from where you once were. This progress ought to be celebrated, no matter how small it may seem. I also know what it’s like to have trauma define your life, and to feel trapped in that time period. I hate the nightmares that still haunt me regularly, and waking up in a pool of sweat. I hate being startled by certain noises. I hate that I can’t visit the city I’m from without feeling as though I’m right back there. I hate the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. I hate feeling so vulnerable. I hate feeling violated over and over again whenever I am reminded of what happened. I hate taking so many pills just to sleep. I hate seeing people I grew up with, even over social media, because it transports me back to that time. Believe me, I may not understand what you went through, but I understand many of the emotional and psychological aftershocks of childhood trauma that will plague your life. During these moments, where everything feels as though it’s spiralling out control, it’s important to ground yourself, and remind yourself that you are no longer in that situation, and that you are safe now. You will learn how to effectively do this in a way that works for you by working with a psychologist. I believe that writing about your experiences sounds like a wonderful idea. This will be very cathartic and allow you to process these events in a way you haven’t likely done so before. Writing a memoir or blog about your experiences will also help you to connect with other survivors of the same kind of abuse. This can help establish a sense of community, as these people will be able to understand what you endured in a way that others cannot. However, please exercise caution whilst revisiting some of these experiences in your mind. Make sure you take care of yourself, and do not overexert yourself. If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed, take a step back and breathe. Reground yourself in the present day, and remind yourself that you are no longer living what you are writing, and that you are safe now. I would absolutely read anything you put out about your experiences. And again, I’m so incredibly sorry for all of it. You deserved to be protected and loved as a child, not abused like this. As beautiful as it is that you want to stick it out for your wife and kid, you deserve to reach a point where you want fo live for *yourself* as well. There’s a whole world beyond the pain of childhood abuse. Believe me, I’ve seen it, and it’s beautiful. EDIT: Typos.


imnotyoursavior

I hope this doesn't offend, but Tyrion said it best... “Let me give you some advice, bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.” Your story reminded me of that because your experience is certainly what defines you, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. What matters is what you do now.


barrocaspaula

I'm so sorry for the way you were treated. Maybe people were ignorant about special ed children, but nothing excuses the lack of human feelings, solidarity and compassion. I think you should write the book and the blog. I would read both. If you ever get to it, don't forget to warn us.


Willzohh

Hey Breathren. You're alive. You exist. You spoke. Over 5000 people read your words. Many people are wishing you healing & peace right now. Despite the hardships, you've come a long way from your beginning. You are married to a wonderful woman and you have a great kid. So what if you haven't left your house in a while? That is very understandable considering the trauma you've been through. But just think, You Got Through It! Every day that passes means you are farther away from it, you are one more day past it. You survived the trauma and every day ahead is for healing. You got this.


WhyNotChoose

Good couple paragraphs you wrote, sounds real. Great job in finding a good woman. It would be another great plus if you love her and she loves you. Also excellent job on liking your kid. That isn't a given. And some kids can be extremely difficult, things like ADHD and autism traits can make it so much harder - harder for the kid to learn what they need to learn, harder for them to understand what's going on, and hard for the parents to learn how to raise a special needs kid. So I think you've accomplished some great things. Best luck to you going forward. If you want to write I hope it works for you. I'd be jealous though, I've often thought it would be great to be a writer.


timmerwb

I cannot possibly relate to your situation but I can tell you this. Even when you think you have what you’re “supposed” to have (education, good job, friends, family, money ... ), you can still feel very lost and betrayed. People are ... complicated, shortsighted, selfish ... As my life has progressed I feel like reality has become more and more grotesque, in different ways. Perhaps, at least some part of the challenges you face, are more widespread and systematic than you realise. There are no easy answers to life, regardless of what hand you were dealt, and you might be doing a lot better than you think. Best of luck.


dorpyt

For what it’s worth: special education has changed a lot since then. You were most likely “qualified for services” based on some bogus racist tests and/or if you were viewed as a behavioral threat to the entire system. So, though it’s what you experienced, know that you absolutely have less stacked against you now than you did then. And there are so many ways to go with work. Vocational programs are amazing too. If I heard your story, as an employer, I’d be fucking thrilled to see you. You’ll find what feels right. Give yourself time to make big decisions. Map out pros and cons. Expose yourself bit by bit. -Former school psychologist


Eyes_Snakes_Art

I think a blog is a great idea for four reasons: 1. To get things off your chest, to vent. 2. To find out that you aren’t alone. 3. For others to find they aren’t alone. 4. For those still in the middle of the same struggles to know that they can find a partner and have kids and have a decent life. Sometimes all the therapists in the world can’t convey that like a paragraph written by someone who survived can. Best of luck to you.


[deleted]

[удалено]


AwkwardAlbatross

Breathrens wife here - Perhaps that was an old post, or him lamenting over past work experience. But I can attest that he hasn't worked in years due to his mental health and has indeed been home-bound for the past 4 years.


AwkwardAlbatross

Hahaha.... I decided to go see for myself what you are even talking about. I see the comment you are referring to and "Coming from a guy who continually tells coworkers I'm not their friend" I mean realistically my husband used to tell everyone they aren't his friend. But its funny that that innocent comment that could have been referring to years ago, yesterday, 5 mins ago, is what stuck out to you. But anyway.... yeah, he used to work. And used to tell coworkers that, just like everyone else. Hopefully that clarifies it for you.


Scorpiodancer123

I'm sorry I have nothing constructive to offer beyond just start talking to your doctor. Perhaps some therapy or antidepressants could help you. I understand you might be apprehensive about medication given what you've been through. But it sounds like you have a wonderful and supportive wife and a kid who no doubt loves you to bits. Perhaps small steps. Play with your little one in the garden, or near an open door if that's too much. It's awful that you've been through what you have and you've had limited support. But it sounds like you have support from your family and the Reddit community. Best wishes to you.


jogohi8385

i feel your pain. feel my hand on your back.


Nerd_Basher_86

I recommend writing as a sort of purge. It can be very therapeutic and validating.


TheWhorrorHouse

Hey, this post is the same as you writing this out in a blog. Im sure there are also subs in which you can get your feet wet with writing short essays about different things you went through. This would not only be cathartic but you may find that more people than you expect , will relate to your story. Glad to read that you would never hurt yourself. You're very fortunate to have a partner and child that you love and love you.


Chocobochokeslam

Writing a blog, even if nobody reads it might help


RubberDong

You ve been through hell. It is only natural that you are terrified of what happened to you. From what you are saying, I can understand that you are stressed and cant enjoy life. I bet you are a money hoarder as well. Saving every penny. Right?


PhaedrusHunt

Realities change! Accept your blessings!


thatcutegirl25

Agoraphobia is such a hard thing to admit. I wish I had a dollar for every excuse I've made and promises I've broken. I'm not meant for this world either and I'm so tired of trying to be. People don't understand that it's not giving up. If misery loves company please know you aren't in this alone. We are survivors not failures.


tesseracts

Hey, I was in special ed also. My experiences weren't anywhere near as bad as yours, but they have certainly impacted me. I know lots of people with horrible experiences like this. You were abused by the system and you're suffering from trauma. It's not your fault. Good luck with everything.


yehhey

I’d like to read about how you ended up getting married despite your situation that seems remarkable.


Breathren

old iphone app, called moonit. she was in Ohio, i was in Pennsylvania. boom.


EibberRebbie

Oh my gosh! I hope that you have health insurance and can find a licensed therapist with a background in treating trauma :( what happened to you is not your fault!!


mc2719

Hello— dbt has been life changing for me, overcoming horrific childhood abuse, some quick tips to put in your tool box, go to responses for when your mind goes black. No more hating on yourself, move towards acceptance, and give yourself a few snaps for shaking enough of that shit off to find love. It may be helpful to remind yourself that it took years to cause the trauma it can’t be fixed by flipping a switch, it’s a hell of a lot of work and going against everything you “know” about yourself, hope you keep pushing it you can do it and lots of that shit never leaves you but you put it in it’s place take away it’s power and enjoy a bit if peace-


JAHNOOSKA

Baby steps, man. I used to sleep with a loaded gun under my pillow because of the trauma I've endured, it was the only way I felt safe enough to sleep - and even then it was only for a few hours at a time. Now, seemingly a lifetime later, that thing sits in the top of my closet, it doesn't even have one in the chamber, and (with a little medicinal help) I sleep like a baby all night long. Start with some remote counseling. You don't have to leave the house, it's (relatively) cheap, and it starts getting you at least some of the help that you need. Then maybe take a walk around the neighborhood, try spending an afternoon hanging out on the porch. Your counselor will have ideas, just take them one little step at a time. Keep your wife in the loop as much as you're comfortable with so she can help you work through it. You'll be hanging out at the park with all the normies in no time. Good luck, not that I think you need it. :)


ForsakenLemon

This is quite the story and I am sorry it has happened to you. Trauma sticks with you for life and there is no getting rid of it, but you can suppress it, I understand you might have your reservations about seeking help from Therapy given your past, however you have made the big first step in coming to terms with it and venting out your feelings for the world to see, taking baby steps is the only way to deal with issues, you simply cannot go straight into the deep end. I wish you all the best in life and hope that things brighten up for you someday.


Mrs-Dogmama

I’m a special Ed teacher and this breaks my heart. Keep writing...in whatever form feels best. It is incredibly cathartic. Also therapy, please. You deserve happiness.


StraddleTheFence

You probably don’t want to hear how sorry I am about your life experience, but I am. I wish I had a magic wand and could erase all that is ugly from your past, but I can’t. I often wonder why some people’s lives are so much better than others. WHY? I will pray for your continued strength and your beautiful family. Just don’t look back. There is nothing you can change there. You made it through.


[deleted]

Writing a book or doing a blog could end up being very cathartic.


JackDallas

>I've contemplated writing a book or doing a blog. I've lived a crazy life. But it never pans out. Record it, it is your history.


ddebita

I agree. I lived a traumatic life with my siblings & mom under my fathers rule. Many people have told me I should write a book when I've only told them some of my story. I'm in my 60's now and think I would do it just as a therapeutic measure for myself. There is a book I borrowed from the library and only started to read, called Write Your Own Story (so others will read it). Something like that. It could help you get started.


JackDallas

Suggest you verbally record your thoughts. If you need it in print, there are Voice to Print features that will allow you to read and correct your thoughts and verbiage. I'm trying to IEP an easier way for your story to come out. Ii is already on Reddit. in brief. Make it good enough ( your past reality) and you may have a sale able product that is worth some big bucks. No matter, tl:dr: Get started, I suggest recording your self, and later Voice to text


ddebita

Thank you


Xasvii

first step you should take is stop letting it define you. stop saying “this is me oh well” and start taking your life back


Ginger_Libra

I know therapy is always the answer everyone gives around here and it sounds so trite……but it’s true. However, not just any old therapist. Look for a trauma informed therapist. I’ve had about 5 therapists over the years. My current one is skilled in trauma and it makes all the difference. It’s gentle. It’s softer. She knows how to hold pain. She also teaches trauma informed yoga and it’s the same. Gentler. Softer. One time we were about to move into a simple twist and she had us ask our bodies if that was ok. This was a move I’ve done thousands of times but I had never asked. The asking makes all the difference. I had no idea, but it matters greatly. Do a search for trauma informed therapy. You’ll get some local hits and some of the why behind it. I hesitate to say this but I’m going to assume you can handle it since you asked a deep question. Please be responsible for yourself. The other thing you might find useful are psychedelics. They are powerful for healing trauma. But I wouldn’t say right away. And definitely not without a therapist you’ve built a relationship with and trust completely. Ketamine has been shown to drastically reduce depression. And many people, while they are down the K-hole, can process deep trauma. This is why you need a great therapist. There are ketamine clinics popping all over in the US. In my area one is run by anesthesiologists. My neurologist also does ketamine. Sometimes insurance covers it. Often they don’t. But worth a look. More at r/therapeuticketamine I’ve only done Magic mushrooms a handful of times. The first time was a high dose and it was one of the most profound experiences of my life. Other people find ayahuasca to be the deep one. The one that heals deep trauma. You can go to Peru and do it (I recommend tons of research) but there are also churches in the US you can do it with. And again, I wouldn’t go down any of these paths without a therapist you have a good relationship with. You want to have them on standby when you’re processing what comes up. There’s an incredible Doctor that has studied addiction and trauma named Gabor Maté. He’s got a movie on trauma that just came out. https://thewisdomoftrauma.com So maybe the steps are: read books about healing from trauma, and watch that movie. Start there. In the meantime, look for a therapist. Be choosy. Covid has opened up remote therapy and broken down distances in the US so you’ve got a much better chance than you used to at finding someone. Check your insurance network too. If you find someone you want to work with and they aren’t on your insurance then just ask if they can join your network. Sometimes it’s really easy. But make sure you like them first and want to work with them. Best wishes, mate.


Nice_Grab_4483

Is that PTSD?


Verrucketiere

That sucks, man. I’m so proud you’re still out here living life. Most days, The only standard I hold myself to is to wake up and try. And when trying is overwhelming, the standard is: wake up and exist. That is enough to be worthwhile. By even existing you’re kind of a marvel. Functioning in society, especially with any disability/trauma, can be SO fucking tough. I only make it one day at a time. I hope you keep on making it one day at a time! And please, tell your life story. It’s something you can do from your own home. Your story matters. Stories DO make a difference.


limesti

Dude totally understand I’m 58 and still relive the numerous beatings I received from childhood until I started to hit back at 16. The thing to do is baby steps. Backyard with you child and or wife. You obviously trust her, start counseling with her along. My abuse made me an angry young man that drowned my emotions with drugs and alcohol, and to be honest I’m not sure how I survived. Recognize that there are others just like you out here. Stay safe


ishadawn

Hi I grew up in and out of residential treatment centers and mental hospitals so I kind of understand and I'm so sorry you're still suffering. I keep to myself as well nothing wrong with that. Try to find things that bring you joy


notascoolaskim

While I experienced a much more privileged version of this, I think about what I went through every single day. I'm 28, I feel I should be over it by now. But being in and out of group homes, treatment centers, on top of 13 stints in various psych wards during my teen years... the whole thing still haunts me. They put me on an IEP for emotional reasons at age 15, deemed too sick for regular school, too sick for alternative school so they shipped me off to treatment. I was suffering from Anorexia at the time but even after I showed major progress in my recovery in my eating disorder, they wouldn't let me out which caused me to regress to other behaviors, thus starting the cycle of being kicked out of institutions only to be put in to grittier ones. The last stop was ending up in the care of CPS (DCFS, as it is known in Chicago) at a really, really shady group home. I have only now at 28, started to feel like I'm beginning to catch up to my peers. I'm still so angry at the people who put me in that position. I feel it stunted me and exacerbated my mental illnesses. Some of the things I saw and/or went through were extremely traumatizing as it sounds like you experienced too. I am all too familiar with restraints, shots of Thorazine and Ativan, complete loss of choice and control, every bit of agency taken from me. Not to mention, being surrounded by chaos and others' trauma. In one group home I was in, a girl I knew fairly well hung herself. I thought for a long time it was a possibility that I would need to be institutionalized for the rest of my life. I can't tell you much has changed, except my acceptance around it. I believe I was failed by many of the adults around me as an adolescent and I refuse to now fail myself. I still struggle- substance abuse issues, incredibly high anxiety, etc. but I also know that whatever is in store for me, I can and will deal with. because one thing we both definitely have? is RESILIENCE. You went through all of that, yet still managed to have found a wife whom you love and who loves you and have a beautiful child with? That's something special, man. If you were incapable of making adult decisions, I don't know if you would have that. Personally for me, trying to process all of it in therapy was a waste of time. I go to therapy now, but for issues in the moment. While I'm hesitant to say that could help you too, it is a possibility if you find the right person to work with. Mostly, I'm so sorry you are feeling that you're not enough or lacking the attributes/skill that others seem to have acquired naturally. You WERE robbed of a normal adolescence. It wasn't okay, but I believe in you a thousand percent. In fact, without even knowing you I'd trust you more than most based just off of what you went through. I also thought of writing a memoir or starting a blog and that could possibly help. What I've found now that helps me the most though? is giving back to the people who have found themselves in the same shit situation or worse. Volunteering, giving support on various subreddits (although I know that sounds goofy), going to your nearest homeless encampment and giving out care packages, adopting a pet, etc. It gets me out of my head and forces me to remember that I am in fact of use. Wishing you ALL the best and I'm damn proud of you. <3


gonzoisgood

You remind me of my boyfriend. He went through a lot of the same stuff. PTSD, no, depression, mania, anxiety. It took him years to realize that no matter how hard it got or bad he got, ID NEVER leave him. I remember our first year together. Every day it felt like I was dragging him, inch at a time in to the light. He made it. You can too. I hope you find warmth in the love of your family. Please seek n accept help dear heart.


South-Hair-195

I’m sending you so much love and strength, my friend. I’m sorry about the tough life you had since childhood. You feel lost and directionless. In some ways, I understand how you feel. Try to own and reshape your narrative. You get to define WHO YOU ARE. Your past has made you who you are and it has certainly left scars on your back. Remember one thing - you can be bent, scarred but never ever broken. YOU ARE WHOLE JUST AS YOU ARE. I hope you heal from your childhood and are able to lead a content life :) <3


Spritzup

Hey, probably won't be seen, but if you want a no pressure friend, feel free to reach out.


EnvironmentalRock827

I feel for you. This is my son who is 11 now. He was with me when my mom died. He was 3. IEP now and I can't help him. I'm trying though.. We haven't gone to meds. Yet. Restrained in school sometimes. I'm glad you are still here. You should write. You would be helping many parents and kids. I'm glad you have someone. I hope you can keep digging in the dirt, you will heal that way. Be patient. You've already come so far.


Gooncookies

Write the book man. Get it out and never look back. Don’t give your past anymore power, it won’t change anything. The only way to heal is to look forward and keep pushing. I think telling your story would be very therapeutic and I think if you can help even one person it might not feel like it was all in vain.


islandcatgrrl123

Have you considered MDMA, psilocybin, or Ketamine (Spravato, Ketalar) treatment? In some states Ketamine is legal, in Oregon psilocybin is, and MDMA is being fast tracked by the FDA (finally). All of them specifically for not only hard to treat depression, but severe trauma and PTSD. It's a process and involves intensive psychotherapy, both on the drugs and off. It can be intense if you have no experience with them but it's in a doctor's setting and they try to make you comfortable (for example for Ketamine they used to do it through an IV but now it's a spray). They're all very effective, but the process is like tearing a band aid off a hairy arm. MDMA has the lowest risk IMO and from what I have witnessed of uncomfortableness. Unfortunately, it's not an approved treatment yet and trials are still being done. Might be worth it to look up to see if any Universities are doing MDMA testing for severe PTSD near you. Don't try the black market for MDMA as it's one of those drugs that is almost always cut. I also wouldn't recommend the black market or doing it yourself with the other drugs I mentioned either as they can be unpredictable, especially the psilocybin, and it's just not safe to do it alone while unexperienced and being watched by people who are also unexperienced. Writing a book or blog might actually be really good for you mentally. You don't have to publish the book or try to get it published, just getting it all down and out there out of you in front of you in a tangible way could be very cathartic. Good luck my friend. I know what agoraphobia is like and I know trauma. You got this and you're not alone.


kafkainspringtime

you sound like you are full up with hard won wisdom. i would read anything you wrote.


loopofthehenley

Positive vibes your way.


bingobango415

I’m so sorry you had it so hard. That trauma lasts a long time. I think writing would be cathartic. And I’m sure you’ve got quite a story to tell. Take care of yourself and love yourself. You sound like you’re doing ok now. God bless.


kanye170

Get therapy alot of places now do home visits and hopefully sooner or later you can take your first step outside in 4 years


Miglin

I'm so happy to see that Stoop Kid ends up finding love. Gotta leave that stoop one day though!


ImHumanBeepBoopBeep

I grew up in crisis too. It's a really hard to live a normal life as an adult when you grow up in crisis because we never learned to not live in crisis and even when we have stability it's very hard for us to recognize that we have it and unclench those fists for a minute, just long enough to have a moment of peace. I don't know what to say because I don't know if the feeling ever goes away. But I know that if you work on yourself, try cognitive behavioral therapy, try to change the way you think and the way that it reflects on your behavior, you may find a moment of respite in your life. I personally look at my children when I have those moments where I feel utterly broken and they bring me back to now, this moment, the present and remind me that I have reasons to feel happiness. It's going to be really important for you to get some help because your family is probably feeling the consequences of how your terrified of the world, and your children are growing up in a world that is hopefully stable so you don't want them to grow up with the kind of anxiety and fear that you have, you're really going to need to work this out. Maybe try taking the kids to the park a couple of days a week, you don't have to go far from home but you have to begin working this out for the mental health of your entire family that you have created. I wish you the best. You can break this chain. We believe in you.


ImeanNoHarm521

Take some mushrooms or LSD


IFightBitchesToo

I was once special ed too, in the early 1990s. Ostricization and bullying were rampant toward me back then. That’s partly the reason why I am the way I am now.


Comprehensive-Tip720

Your post hits so close to home, I had a similar childhood. Found my mother dead when I was 7 and bounced in and out of foster homes until I aged out at 16. From my own experience this last year, the medication only masks the trauma so it never actually goes away. Unfortunately I don’t have any magical answer, just know the fact that you made it this far is awesome. ( side note, so glad I’m not the only one who still eats like a homeless kid, to the point I can’t even attempt to eat in public)


AcrobaticGear3672

Your spelling,punctuation and grammar are excellent! WRITE A BOOK!


p0rty-Boi

When all else fails point yourself in the right direction and push. Don’t worry so much about bad things happening and make small steps towards escaping your routine with positive change. If you don’t know what’s good try and fake it.


Fox_Trail

Your book would be a great read! You shoukd pick up The Power of Now by Eckhart Tollie (prolly spelt that wrong). His story is similar to yours to a degree. It's such an easy read (I'm a numbers guy) and it changed my life. You are not your past! Your ego is inhibiting you. The only thing that actually exists in the world is the now. The book taught me to not dwell on my past and it taught me that most fear is projected from my mind thinking about the future. The book was the only book where I would read something, put the book down and try it and physically feel a change. I'm all hyped up thinking about it!


noumenonanon

Your writing is better than 90% of redditors. Get a therapist and continue writing!


[deleted]

Dude you need therapy. You have emotional intelligence and social wit. You should be thriving, and you know what's holding you back. You have a wife and a kid, and you all deserve to be happy. Family and solo therapy will work wonders for you all.


Iznomis

Functioning in today's society isn't all that great anyways, bro. Ahahaha....


Clollin

You have a marriage, and a happy one at that? You have great kids? Sounds like a wonderful outcome. I'm sorry if you're in pain, but many of us with mental disabilities can't even hope to have a relationship with anyone.. certainly not a healthy relationship. Make sure you treasure what you have, which it sounds like you do. I thought you were going to ask for financial tips. Just wondering: Are you already on disability payments? I was never in special education, but I was still able to get on disability payments as an adult.


Pepperspray24

I totally encourage you to write a book or a blog!! Getting your thoughts and feelings on paper, making your story your own I think will help you gain control of it. Because it sounds like there was so much out of your control for most of your life. I’m so incredibly proud that in spite of that you’ve been able to find love and bring it into this world.


Conscious-Group

Volunteering to help others may help you see you’re not alone in this fight. Professional help to work yourself up to that point would be my best advice. I’m sorry that you feel this way.


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AwkwardAlbatross

Breathrens wife here - I wholeheartedly agree and have been trying to help him. He has a hard time laying everything out in order and it bothers him that his memory jumps from place to place and cant consistently get it all out in one go in order. Hes working on that though. Thank you for your offer of help, that was very sweet of you.


destinyrose36

He could write a book of short stories that add up to a whole picture! (Idk if I'm explaining myself correctly, but here's a go..) like each chapter could be of a particular memory or stage in his life, but it wouldn't have to be in chronological order. All could be connected and cohesive by connecting ideas or feelings, and then there wouldn't be pressure to remember a perfect time line. I think this style would be very impactful and give freedom for expression. Just a thought :)


AwkwardAlbatross

I really like that idea and hope my husband is still reading comments and sees this. I'll mention it to him too :)


dzoefit

I think you are coping well, despite the trauma.


TrofimS

you havent left your house in 4 years? how is that possible with a kid?


AwkwardAlbatross

Breathrens wife here: It's possible because he's not a single dad and has me to pick up the slack. It also helps that we were in a pandemic for the last year and our son was only in kindergarten. He did Virtual School and my husband stayed home with him during that time while I worked.


TrofimS

oh alright thanks i wish you the best and hope your husband can recover


Mississauga49

Sack up and get your shit together for your family. You survived a lot worse than whatever life is going to throw at you now. Stop being a bitch and get over it. God speed and good luck.


Breathren

lmao. ok.


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xxcatalopexx

Make a Tiktok and share your stories. Lots of people do that and it can benefit people who are going through the same thing. I would also say that writing it down will help keep it in your memory.