A while ago I found out that I'm dying. And I haven't been able to tell anyone that I am in fact happy about it. Like, not in a "I accept it" way, I am actually relieved that I will die. I won't ever be able to tell any family or friends that, but I need to tell someone, so here you go.

A while ago I found out that I'm dying. And I haven't been able to tell anyone that I am in fact happy about it. Like, not in a "I accept it" way, I am actually relieved that I will die. I won't ever be able to tell any family or friends that, but I need to tell someone, so here you go.


Can relate, I hope your last months are as you would like them to be. I truly hope you do not suffer. If there's ever a time when u need to talk, I've had the same thoughts as you, I can empathize but I'm also a registered nurse so I can offer advice. Take care x


A few months before my grandma died, she told me wasn't afraid because she knew her soul would fly through the universe forever. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through and where you're at, but I wish good space adventures friend. To infinity


The ancient Andeans believed that when you die, your soul is carried into the Milky Way on the wings of The Great Condor where it will continue to live on


So that’s what the visual to Circles by Mac Miller on YouTube means. It’s my favorite song and I never understood their representation of the visual that they made for him. Thanks for this information.


I haven’t seen the music video, but the whole belief if I remember correctly is that after you body is returned to Pachamama (Mother Earth) to re-enter the life cycle that nourished your body while you where alive, you’ll live forever in the Milky Way among the Sun and his wife the moon.




Crazy man, but yeah it’s just a visual it’s not really a music video. Just like an animated loop basically


holy shit


Username checks out


Fucking crazy bro I always wondered what that meant and the story behind it


Dude I immediately thought of that video too. Holy shit.


Wow. Thanks for that info. Watching Mac video now.


Beautiful song beautiful video


Incan culture isn't really all that ancient! I was amazed when I learned that the Inca Empire didn't even *start* till the 1400's. :)


I wonder how many people would off themselves if they knew for sure the afterlife consisted of floating through and exploring the universe.


Id be dead now




Yeah I’d be gone the day I learned about it


I'd probably hang around for a bit longer and care less about things If anything, it'd make me a bit freer as far as life goes, I've got all of eternity away from this bullshit so why should I even bother trying to escape it for this life via work?


That’s how I live currently! Try it brotha for we don’t know for sure what happens after this life!


I think you’d be surprised who wouldn’t do anything. Look at all the Christians that are confident there is a better life in heaven. Why do they still live and fight cancer and COVID and everything else.


I think that’s because everyone has an intrinsic fight to live since we don’t know for sure what’s after and religions are based on belief, not 100% confirmation of a good afterlife. Plus I think if you off yourself you go to hell automatically?


Guilty as charged.


My grandma has outlived two husbands, her siblings and most of her life long friends. Everytime someone dies, she makes little comments to the effect of it being bullshit. She's lived a great life and is ready to be done. In the meantime she is bored a lot, but still enjoys life. She's always been a great mix of whimsical and pragmatic; a true rile model for me.


your grandma sounds so cool


This gave me goosebumps.. in a good way


Hindu ppl believe that your soul is eternal, and it exists in one way or another. SO by dying, you would simply be leaving this life to live another one


I have wished for something similar for awhile until recently… I’m wondering if this “happier time” will last. Similar train of thought. And you’re right, it’s probably not something a family member would be able to understand. I can empathize with that. I’ve uttered it once to someone who tried to stab me but changed his mind. It was a bit morbid but he laughed and walked off lol. Glad you’re happy.


I'm sorry, I need more details on the story of someone trying to stab you?? What did you even say


I'm curious as well about that, how does that even happen?


The way I’m imagining it someone tried mugging her and they brandished a knife thinking the sight of that threat would up the chances of successfully & speedily robbing her. mm nope. at her wits end with the shits, she emphatically welcomed the stabbing while likely saying she didn’t have shit for him to steal but he’s more than welcome to still stab her anyways but as far as the words she used…. I’m curious, invested, and waiting along with y’all to find out:)


I would probably watch that movie if it was on Netflix..


I was in the similar mindset and when someone tried to mug me with a gun, and i said - deadly serious - “please just shoot me and take the keys”. The dude just gave me a weird ass look, an awkward laugh and left. Didn’t even take my shit. For months afterwards, I still wished he had shot me.


I hope you’re in a better place now🌹


Thank you. I’m getting there.


If you need someone to talk to, maybe just to listen or advice on how I’ve escaped the dark places, you can DM me.


I had a very similar incident in New York. My car had broken down by "Box City" around 2AM and some guy came up behind me while I was checking under the hood. Now keep in mind, at the time I weighed about 110lbs wet and I'm a 5' 2" little bitty white girl. Anyway, I hear someone clear their throat behind me, which startles the hell out of me, so I turned around quickly. This guy is standing there pointing a gun at me, telling me to give him my money. I know I shocked him because I started laughing hysterically. He asked me if I thought he was joking, to which I responded with "If you're gonna shoot me just do it already, you'd be doing me a favor ". He looked at me like I was completely insane, turned around and ran away!


Glad you’re ok and all, but the idea of a mugger going, “Ahem,” cracks me up.


Right! I'm standing there basically with nothing but my ass hanging out from underneath the hood, and this guy is like "Ahem, pardon me but I shall mug you now! " lol 😂😂😂😂 I was laughing so hard after he ran that I almost pee'd my jeans......


Wow, being suicidally depressed might have saved your life. I’m gonna go ahead and give you the irony award for today.


Same thing happened to me dad. His uncle just passed, who was the closes person to him and he was walking down the street and this guy came up to him with a gun trying to rob him. My dad said he didn't care and to just shoot him. The robber was so freaked out he just left, didn't take anything.


The dude was probably weirded out and shocked about your complete lack of self preservation. I think psychologically he might have felt that as even more dangerous than himself even though he had a gun. When a person has nothing to lose, that almost kinda gives them a power. More unhinged. Also, I hope you are alright now.


You’ll still get shot, you’ll just get shot with more power


Life is tough, everyday I see great misery and injustice. I feel powerless, and I believe a lot more people do as well. But if there’s one thing I learned, especially while traveling, is that there’s so much beauty and love around the world. It’s just that the people exploiting us want us to forget, so we can be controlled more easily. Here’s a quote that might help: “The moment you recognize what’s beautiful in this world, you stop being a slave”


You said stabbed at first?


Rolled for charisma and got a natural 20


Some restless spirits were not meant for this earth. And as Peter Pan says” To die would be an awfully big adventure!” So I wish you peace and happiness on your next adventure! : )


I'm sorry, I need more details on the story of someone trying to stab you?? What did you even say


remindme! 12 hours


Wow, I’m not sure if this escalated or de-escalated quickly


I have always been TERRIFIED of the thought that the day I decided I wanted to live, would be the day I found out I didn't have much time left.


The day you decide you want to live you will *always* realize you don’t have much time left.


That does sounds fuckin terrifying


I mean, this may be an unpopular opinion but this seems to be the optimal resolution to the sad situation. It gives them time to come to terms with their loss. Life isn’t for everyone, Im happy you found your peace. They will heal.


I agree with everything you said, except for the last part. Some wounds never heal, you just have to live with them. They will never be the same again and they will never stop missing you.


True, but the pain will be so much easier to bear if OP dies of an illness rather than suicide (as they said they had considered). I’ve known people who’ve lost family members to suicide, and the pain and guilt remain raw for much longer than if the person had died of some other cause.


Truth. My dad took his life in 1997 (strange circumstances, and his remains were not found for over a year). All these years later it sometimes still hits me like a punch to the gut and I’m overcome with grief, sadness, and, always, the “why” that will never be answered (he did not leave a note)


Exactly, suicide leaves you questioning why, even with a note. However, any other death would have something to blame for. A disease, a murderer, an accident that can be ‘fixed’ to protect others in future. Etc. You’re left empty with suicides. And the one true thing about people is that we are OBSESSED with placing blame. It’s a fundamental stage of grief and if you can’t proceed past that stage then you can’t heal.


Agreed. My mother recently died by suicide and I can barely find any similarity in this experience to when my father passed away unexpectedly due to illness. I feel peace with his passing. I don’t think I ever will with my mother’s. OP, I’m sorry that you’re going through this and I hope you can continue to feel peace in your final months.


I understand. I have told my (somewhat estranged) family that I am heading to the desert (western U.S.) and dying at my campfire, when I bother to get that final diagnosis. Cuz fuck, I don't want to die in a hospital, or my lil' apartment. You are strong, friend, you're going to do fine.


That’s beautiful man. I don’t wanna die in the hospital either. It seems more natural to go into the wild and let the earth take you away. I think of that old James Taylor song: “Goodnight you moonlight ladies, rockabye sweet baby James, deep greens and blues are the colors I choose, won’t you let me go down in my dreams? And rockabye sweet baby James”


Weird that you bring up this song... My dad was very musically gifted before he became ill and used to sing this to me when I was a baby. I'm very sure that he felt similar to OP before he died. He was born into a very difficult life and honestly seemed relieved when he got sick. He tried really hard to stick around for me but i know how difficult life was for him. Just a weird coincidence. I'm happy you brought up those memories for me.


My dad would sing it to me too :’)


Welp... That can only mean one thing -- we're siblings now. I love you. Thems the rules. See you at Thanksgiving? 💚


I love you too new sibling! Do you still want me to bring cranberry sauce?


Omg YES i love cranberry sauce! See, i knew we were related!


TY. (Nice song reference.) (Let's give the love to OP, who is not old and used up♡♡)


I have a similar… death wish? I would like to wander the earth, maybe do some traveling if I have enough money left over, maybe do some extreme outdoor sports/activities (if I die then that’s fine), and then go camping/try surviving in the wilderness, but for me I’d probably like to go to the great north of Canada/Alaska or the cascades. If I manage to survive, I’d like to try surviving in other wildernesses/ecosystems/climates.


For me, I spent bloody 30+ years in the suburbs Kid me would be disgusted, right?? I have seen people die in Hospital, man I ain't going out that way!! Thx, stay safe out there


That sounds awesome, but as an RN who has seen people die, I would be worried about pain or other symptoms becoming uncontrollable. I’m not afraid of death, but I am afraid of suffering. I wish there was a wilderness hospice service available for the best of both worlds.


Ahhh, pain. As a thin, non-muscular guy, my spine has been garbage for decades. Now, as an older gent, whom is sickened by opiate painkillers, physical pain is the norm. And no, tho my plan sounds romantic (I guess), i definitely know that it's going to hurt (plus, my adult children mmmmmight take it hard, I dunno). As I said, i have seen both old people, and like a few 50 year old men and women die in the Hospital. Grim, painful, lonely .. hence my (somewhat starry eyed) plan. Thx!


Horrible experience, for the hiker that eventually finds you. I pity the county employees that have to recover the remains, after exposure to the elements and animals. They will have trouble achieving inner peace.


Please don’t leave a live campfire unattended when you die. We have enough fire issues already.


I actually have been concerned about that hahaha, no sense fucking everything up for the living. A conundrum, indeed, TY


Would it really be an issue out in the desert?


I live in the Mohave Desert in Arizona. It is full of numerous types of plants like wildflowers,grasses,cactuses,shrubs,trees,weeds,etc. There is rarely anywhere out here that is like the Sahara Desert that is just sand like you're thinking. There is also lots of wildlife that would suffer greatly from a wildfire. We are in a extreme drought right now,and have already had a couple of wildfires here. Trust me when I tell you the desert is far from barren sand and there are a lot of combustibles that grow here. https://sciencestruck.com/mojave-desert-animals-plants


Yeah I can be because the dead vegetation. "The desert" doesn't necessarily mean it's just dirt or sand like the sahara https://www.usgs.gov/centers/werc/science/wildland-fire-science-forests-and-deserts?qt-science_center_objects=0#qt-science_center_objects


I'm always anxious at a restaurant until I place my order... I get patient once I know things are in the works. I wish you joy and tranquility. Cheers


Can you elaborate?


Correct me if Im over analyzing or wrong but I think this means that he's anxious as he feels the pressure of choosing a meal from all the options, waiting on their turn to order, making sure he pronounces food names right, etc. But once the order is placed, it's out of his hands. It's no longer his responsibility to pick and choose, to hurry about what he wants and how to pronounce the names....there's no more pressure, the responsibility moves to the wait staff. A metaphor for how we go through life having literally every option under the sun for who we want to be and it's a lot of pressure to make something of yourself. Once you are given a deadline though, it's out of your hands.


You summed it up pretty well. Too many decisions and in the end it doesn't matter if you get the chicken or the fish, salad or fries... It's just nice to know what to expect. Even nicer to have a moment to reflect and shape those expectations


That's a really good metaphor, it feels very true.


> A metaphor for how we go through life having literally every option under the sun for who we want to be and it's a lot of pressure to make something of yourself. Everyone's like, "okay pick a thing you want to do!" And then once you pick something, "okay now we're all going to try to stop you!" I didn't pick football, get the fuck off of me.


I think they're referencing how it might feel to know when it's your time to go.


This is called a “snack attack”.


Same exact story brother, until 3 years ago I found a nice job, was able to leave not just my parents house but my fkn country! I travelled, I fell in love I had my heart broken, I "lived", I did all that sht you're suppose to do right.? Honestly it felt like that movie where the guy has the remote and fast forwards his life like a movie. Now I get hit with this cancer bsht not even 30 yo.. There is nothing to regret brother, this world is fucked up and you know it, its just not meant for us. We are the universe that came alive, we came we saw and back we go. 🤗🤗🤗


“We are the universe that came alive” — is, for me, an unfathomably beautiful sentence. So much in so few words. “The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of star stuff”. — Carl Sagan. Best wishes, jz


> We are the universe that came alive, we came we saw and back we go. Waw, so poetic and so so true. Beautiful❤


Well said, nothing to regret. Just playing the hand we are delt, in a sick arbitrary card game.


i think we should have the option to continue life or end it at say age 30


Governments wont let you because that is the age you begin slaving yourself for the economy only to die rightafter


The state's desire for cheap labor is 100% the real, biggest reason the establishment will fight accessible, voluntary euthanasia


Take a turn on carousel


I'd have a beer with you if I could, but this'll have to do. Cheers mate 🍺


🍺 With you on this one


I don’t drink beer or alcohol but if I where to ever this would be the time 🍻


Cheers 🍻




I totally get this, OP. I’ve often thought about if getting a terminal illness would make all of my issues kinda float away. I have been suicidal in the past but realized within the last year or so that that’s not really me. I don’t have the courage or strength to take my own life. A lot of my issues come from the unknown and not having control (which honestly explains why I would have a hard time committing suicide). Will I ever get to be with the person I love, will I be financially comfortable, et al. So if control is taken away and the fear of being alone forever is kinda nullified, I can 100% see the comfort in it. Thanks for posting your story, and I wish you happiness for the remainder of your journey.


I often feel the same way about not really wanting to be here, on Earth. I don’t have a terminal illness to count down my days for me, so I take manual intervention and live recklessly. I am excited that you’ve found your relief. I wish you the best of luck on your endeavors through the universe! I don’t believe in a “god” per-say, but nevertheless, god speed and god bless you, your family, and your friends


If you are terminally ill, you may be entitled to psilocybin in a therapeutic setting. Here's some links. [https://chacruna.net/terminally\_ill\_sue\_dea\_psilocybin/?fbclid=IwAR0Iz45QLGWuTc8v\_lDapT\_G3XHknAkYw4ZuWZRZt4UTRi3BxrYHjgDj31Q](https://chacruna.net/terminally_ill_sue_dea_psilocybin/?fbclid=IwAR0Iz45QLGWuTc8v_lDapT_G3XHknAkYw4ZuWZRZt4UTRi3BxrYHjgDj31Q) [https://psychedelic.support/resources/how-to-join-psychedelic-clinical-trial/](https://psychedelic.support/resources/how-to-join-psychedelic-clinical-trial/) [https://trypt.am/](https://trypt.am/) If you decide to do it by yourself, just start with half a dose an see how you feel after and hour. Make a playlist of all your favourite uplifting tunes. Watch Inner Worlds, Outer Worlds - The Spiral if you get stressed out.


Or just find mushrooms or LSD and just take them. You don't really need to be in a therapeutic setting, particularly if you are mostly introverted. But definitely find some psychedelics before you die.


If you're in peace with yourself and want it, then you don't need to hear all the habitual bullshit like '*life is great, enjoy it while you can'* and yadayada. I could die in an instant from some sort of accident, and like you I don't care. It's not depression or illness, it's just that death comes to anyone anytime and it's just the way it is. No need to make it a tragedy. I realized it when my doctor thought he saw something worrisome on my MRI last month. Till I was told it was nothing, all I was worrying about was eventual pain management if it was really what he thought. People don't need to be depressed not to fear death. It's the word 'death' that carries too much fear and implies too many dark things. But it's just a bunch of letters to define something nobody really knows where it leads and if it leads to something. Let nature take care of everything, she never makes mistakes.


I hope it's quick and painless for you. Just try to make your last few moments nice and comfortable. No on deserve to physically suffer to death. :(


I'm glad you are happy. Being alive is pointless. I never wanted to live past 20, had no plan to. At 18 I found out I was dying and I was so fucking happy. Then the people around me started actually advocating for me for the first time and I ended up having to stay alive. Every time I tried to die they would stop me. I'm almost 30 now. My husband is the only reason I do anything for myself, and I still want to die every day. At least dead my body will be useful, universities want my tissues but they can't have that till death. That's the first time I've actually typed it out. It's nice yelling into the void.


I feel the exact same way. Society is so obsessed with infinite growth that someone not wanting to live is considered heresy. Government assisted euthanasia would be the greatest kindness ever bestowed on mankind. As it is- I will have to continue my search for a means of ending my life that won’t leave me in a vegetative state upon failure. It’s so awful.


That's the only reason I haven't ended things. With my luck I'd end up a vegetable or worse. I just want to go to sleep, maybe trip balls and see some purple elephants before it goes dark and I turn off. Being alive is fucking painful. I'm tired of the lie that things get better. Everything has just gotten worse and there's no light at the end of this damn tunnel. I'll still be sick and have to watch my husband work himself to death to not even be able to afford rent let alone his medical care through no lack of effort on his part. People tell me to keep going but those same people won't offer any tangible help. Your nice words don't do shit when I'm homeless and hungry.


I don’t really plan on living past 20 because life is so pointless and I don’t have a future. That’s 4 years away now and still figuring out how when and how I want to go.


I fully understand this, I'm in a similar boat except for the dying part. It definitely seems better to die by some outside force than by your own hand.


I wish someday I could also find out that I'll be dying. Oh what a joy that will be.


I don't want to find out. I want to go doing whatever I always do.


Man, I’d apply for as many loans as possible and fukin go out w a bang!


Get as many loans and credit cards you can, pull cash advances on the cards, then take a flight to Tijuana (if you are in the States). Although, with my luck, I bet that a day after I come home from TJ with a huge smile on my face CNN would announce that doctors have found a cure for my disease and I will live a long (and financially ruined) life.


In my country there is euthanasia for severe depressive cases


What country are you from?


I'm happy for you. I understand how awful life is, and because of the past trauma I faced I have come to hold a hatred for humanity. I just don't like people. Never understand them and the need for greed and I have a strong inclination that it's nature and not nuture. To the point that if I had a button that would erase humanity and start everything all over again I wouldn't press it, because it would just lead right back to where we are now. Being alive is...exhausting. I'm happy for you. I understand how awful life is, and because of the past trauma I faced, I have come to hold a hatred for humanity. I just don't like people. Never understand them and the need for greed and I have a strong inclination that it's nature and not nurture. To the point that if I had a button that would erase humanity and start everything all over again I wouldn't press it, because it would just lead right back to where we are now. Being alive is...exhausting. I hope you find peace in the next life.


I’m so glad that you’ve found peace. I completely understand your feeling of being disillusioned with the world as a whole. When my grandpa passed, I found a lot of comfort in thinking that he was happier where he was now, not having to deal with dementia on top of the bullshit of everyday life. I hope your family and friends find the same comfort.


I feel on some level we all feel the world is in decline. We all see and feel the effects of pollution, evironmdntal destruction and massive over consumption. The workers of the world are mainly feeling increasingly oppressed. Salaries in my former job (Executive Assistant in London) have remained static for the last 10 to 15 years and people are regularly expected to do the job of 5 people and still not permitted to make a mistake. Covid has shown us many things but namely it is so easy for authorities to gang up, put us all under house arrest, with or without our consent. The misery that so many people feel now I think has led to collective Suicidal Ideation. I finally got broken in the never ending stress of London working and economics, that my body took it into it's own hands and tried to kill me with overnight total kidney failure. Society decided to save me (I really don't know why) but I'm still broken, disengaged and totally lack motivation. Its as if I've been given a second chance but I'm so compliant and unquestioning now. I'm obliged to be, my state benefits (after 35 years of paying higher rate tax) depend on it.... It's as if people are so crushed, disappointed and heartbroken with their savage, stultifying living and working conditions, they are just going through the motions and waiting for the relief of the end. And this will be our tragedy because is exactly what they want. Global cleansing at our own hands... because we can no longer lead such difficult and miserable lives without any hope of change


That hit really hard...but you're absolutely right.


This is too much. Everything you’ve said has been weighing on my mind and I never had the words to express it till now. It angers me how the average person just... let this happens. We as a collective have so much power, but we are too busy bringing each other down just so we can have a glimpse of what personal happiness feels like. I’m so fucking sick of the apathy.


Wow. All of what you said... but also... Have you seen Bo Burnham's Inside special on Netflix yet? You pretty much summed it up, I bet you'd enjoy it.


>Covid has shown us many things but namely it is so easy for authorities to gang up, put us all under house arrest, with or without our consent I agree vigorously with most everything else you said, & I also *totally get* that you guys have been jerked around more than a lot of places with the on-again-off-again/zones blah blah BJ & pals nonsense...so I definitely *understand* why you would feel this way. But with that said I don't know that's really the best example for your point. Worldwide I think the *majority* of people were ok with staying inside while things got sorted how best to not have to, y'know? Yeah there were some who threw tiny toddler in the candy checkout line style fits, & we heard about those because squeaky wheels and all, & yes as it dragged/drags still in some places we ALL got sick to death of it, but I think IN THIS INSTANCE overall most people understood why it was a net good. Plus I feel quite certain if such a worldwide thing were tried for a reason with a percentage point or 2 less visibly disastrous outcomes/credible science & reasoning behind it you might see a whole lot of the "there is & will ALWAYS be more of US than THEM" principle come into play. Or maybe I'm foolishly optimistic & talking outta my ass lol...one's as likely as the other if I'm honest ;)


Better luck to you in whatever is after this life. I personally feel people villianize death and wanting to die. I don’t see much wrong with it if that is want you really truly want (and are of sound/adult mind).


When the moment comes remember this and be at peace my friend.


Is it weird that you spoke out about yourself is exactly the way i feel about my life ? The resemblance here is soo odd. Every word you said is exactly how I feel and how my life has been. I always thought I would kill myself at 40 if I dont die early. But lets say tomorrow I were to find out that I was dying, I would actually be happy with it for the same reasons you mentioned above!!


I wish you luck in the beyond, OP. But at the same time, I kinda wish I hadn't read this thread. All these people saying death is a relief and something that sounds so peaceful and nice to look forward to...as a suicidal person I really wish I hadn't read that


Same man, same


Death can also be a blessing. I never understood that until I watched my hubby's best friend die in hospice from cancer. There was nothing before. I don't think there's much to worry about after. I hope your final journey isn't painful.


As someone who has been dead, congrats. Being dead is actually really nice. It's warm, dark, comfortable and best of all, nothing hurts any more. There were no lights, gates, pitchforks or fire, just rest. Of course, getting there SUCKS. Hopefully your transition will be easier than mine was. Also, those paddle things they use to restart your heart hurt like fuck. 10/10 do not recommend, those things suck. So, happy death. Enjoy.


Do you suppose you only perceived being dead because you came back?


I'm not sure that I understand the question


Your writings reminded me of this: I killed myself at 19. I was feeling like OP, but the thing is I had a high opinion of myself, having been constantly praised and seeing I could make things happen for others and help. Yet I was never deserving of happiness, it seemed. Something along the lines of, “I’m not helping this sick shit continue, bye” crossed my mind. I saw during my sleep that changed the sun’s trajectory, that God was talking directly to me and that I had a tiny brick to place in His house still. I placed the little brick I could, and I’m not suicidal. Life is oddly pleasant. Now I also know better. First you pick up the pen, then the sword. OP: Don’t flee.


May I suggest writing about your final experiences? It may not be the legacy you hoped for but at least you get to leave something behind.


Oh I wish this would happen to me too, I have fantasised about it for so many years. Like you I am in my mid twenties and have wanted to off myself since maybe 12. I don't think I'll ever be happy again because of chronic illness. Unfortunately, my illness doesn't kill me (only indirectly).


Hii! Well my only hope is that it won't be painful for you. The actual act of dying itself. I hope that it happens quickly and is not long and drawn out.


OP, if you can buy a hammock and spend some time in the state parks or county land. Nature is in us, and when we die we return physically to it. If God is anywhere here, it is most certainly in the living things outside our boxes.


OP, You might not see this comment as will be quite far down, but when someone close to me was in the same position, the hospital arranged for them to use VR goggles. This way they could travel the world for a bit from their bed before they died.


I can relate so much on the not upset about dying. I have been waiting for the day I die so I don’t have to be here anymore. I hope the knowledge brings you peace and it’s not a painful ending for you.


I must be honest with you, I'm not sure to fully understand your situation: being depressed and knowing the date of my death is something that I just cannot wrap around my head, for this reason I want to clarify that It's not in my intention to be disrespectful. I was thinking that you might take this event as an opportunity, the last one that life will give you (pretty hironic uh?). Healthy people's life is a balance of responsibility and will:If you exceed in one of them you either fuck your life or don't live it fully, but you don't have to follow this diagram anymore: maybe you're saying that you can't do anything more because you're thinking in this "old" mentality. Sell everything and do a last, long trip, read all the book you have and generally just do what healthy people wants to do but always posticipate because they have time to do them. This won't romove eventual regrets, by still it would make these remaining days more meaningful. Again I don't want to sound annoyingly positivistic, but if that makes sense just try not to think that you lost all your life but think that you don't have any more time to lose.


I envy you. This is my only dream.


Through my job I spent some time with people who are dying or close to dying in a similar situation to yours. As strange as it may sound, many of them reached a point where they were looking forward to passing, and it sounds like you are already there a bit earlier than most. I wish I could tell you what’s ahead but I don’t know any more than anyone else, but I would still like to share something I learned during my work. I don’t know what disease you’re suffering from and it doesn’t really matter but if you have the option to do so, try getting into a palliative care program if you aren’t already. This field of medicine evolved a lot recently and their number one focus is to reduce any suffering you might feel in the coming time. Most people in your position already went through an endless odyssey of medical treatments and once therapies reach their limit many don’t want anything to do with hospitals or doctors. But palliative care is different, purely focusing on your well being. This goes from simply treating symptoms like pain or nausea to being there if you just need to talk to someone. I hope you have the option to benefit from a program like this. Even if you can’t access a specialist, please keep in mind that you don’t (or no longer) have to endure pain or other symptoms. There are a lot of treatments available for people at the end of their life and sometimes doctors need to be reminded about that. I wish you all the best my friend


I'm a big fan of reincarnation. It answered a lot of things for me. As someone who is not enjoying this round of life, you probably don't want to hear much about having another go at it; sounds like you've had some chips stacked against you. I'm sorry for your family in the way that people are sorry for folks they don't know, y'know compassion as a dictate of humanity and all: and in that respect I'm happy for you. I'm glad you feel relieved. I want things to be better for you. This whole shit is really mysterious and beautiful and familiar over and over again... You should do them shrooms. Don't be afraid, it's like stepping into a classroom you remember from long long time ago. I love you person. I'm glad you were here. Catch you later.




I can only speak from my experiences but my mom had very severe depression and she was relieved when she was diagnosed with cancer. She had been fighting all her life and she finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel. It is really hard thinking about the rest of my life without my mom (she was only 60) but knowing she is no longer struggling with her illness is a small comfort. Many of my family feel the same as we all watched her suffer for so long. As heartbreaking as it is to hear, it maybe a comfort for your loved ones when you are gone knowing you were okay with it. Whatever you decide, I wish you peace and happiness with your remaining time.


We are terribly sorry for the inconvenience bro. On behalf of all selfish stupid humanity who decided to bring you to this fucked up world without your consent. Our most sincere apologies. Hope you go peacefully at least. I have known quite a few like you in my life. Just forgive us and rest in piece.


Huh my life isn't half bad actually. Well good for you man at least life won't torture you too much more


Honestly, without wanting to sound rude or mean; I'm glad you've got something to look forward to now And hey if there is anything past that point, some sort of afterlife, I hope you have a better time there. Im not really sure how to end a comment to something like this but I mean well, and I hope it comes across, goodluck♡


If you don't want to live, this is an optimal situation, but, that said, dying of a disease can be a very painful or uncomfortable process (for you and your family or caregivers) if you don't have good medical insurance (if you are posting from the US at least). Are you getting hospice care set up? I know this sounds very practical minded and non-feeling, but many people don't get hospice care (either at home or in a facility) until things are really bad and by the time they get the service they (and their family) are suffering a lot. If you have Medicaid or Medicare you can have it for six months as long as you are not getting treated to cure your illness. This will help with your care for your family's sake or whomever is taking care of you if you want to die at home or set you up for hospice care in a facility so that you get the proper pain drugs when needed to make your transition easier. Trust me, my sister and I just went thru this with my Mom (unfortunately during the early part of the COVID pandemic) and my Mom wasn't able to get it at home until two weeks before she passed and she suffered until that time (and so did my sister who has her own health problems and has been taking care of my Mom). Please try to take care of this ASAP. I wish you didn't feel this way about life in general, but I know depression, etc. can be a life sucker out of even the strongest people (or those who started out strong before trying to battle with it). I understand you not wanting to commit suicide because of your family and their reaction, so that is why I stress that this will be very hard on them too if you don't get hospice care set up ASAP. I don't know what happens after physical death, but whatever it is, you will be at peace, so I hope your period of transition will help you get to that point. Dying SUCKS. Death, maybe not so much in some cases when our bodies or minds cannot go on. You will be missed either way, but this will be easier for you and your family if you get hospice set up.


\+1 to palliative care. They are some of the most kind and empathic people you'll ever meet. End of life care is not easy and they offer you up the world to make the transition easier, for everyone. Hopefully OP will seek it out.


Wow this is so open and honest and I’m gonna say you are not alone. I want to send you virtual hugs


I recently felt like this, sort of. I went to the doctor expecting a very serious diagnosis (which I did not actually receive, will get into that) and when faced with the prospect of my own death I just kind of… didn’t care? It was just a very casual “well this might be it. And that is what it is.” I was nervous at the doctor but it felt more just reactionary to stimuli than actual nerves or even dread. And when the doctor said “eh probably no big deal go get checked to be sure but I think it’s all good” and then proceeded to explain the medical reason why he thought everything was copacetic and I didn’t really even feel relief. I just thought “cool”. If it went one way I’d proceed with my life in one direction, in another direction if it went another way. I don’t think I’d be happy if I got a terminal diagnosis. But I don’t really think I’d be hugely upset about it. Maybe I’ve just disassociated from reality at this point so far that I just don’t care what happens, things just happen. I will say though actually going to the doctor made me feel like I had some control over my life. It made me want to do things that are productive and bring me joy. So maybe I just need to take control of my life more so I can live more. Perhaps I’ve just become this zombie surrounded and consumed by neon lights that, although logically and philosophically abhorrent, the true nightmare is that it isn’t even a nightmare. The emptiness and disassociation and feeing like nothing more than an observer is unbelievably soothing, because you just don’t care. It’s like a stoic resignation from life to allow life to simply just exist. And as depressing as that sounds, it isn’t. It’s just a fact, a state, nothing more than exactly what it is. No fear, no joy, no worry, no ecstasy, no sadness, no excitement. Feelings still exist though they’re just blurred and grey, like a black and white photo. Well shit, maybe I should schedule that therapy session. Word vomit over, have a wonderful day everyone. And OP, no matter what happens, I sincerely and desperately hope you find peace and solace of your mind and spirit. Have a blessed day.


Shroom, bro. 1 cap.


It's not as uncommon as you might think. Life doesn't always turn out how we had hoped or planned. I have similar feelings of just feeling "done" with all the BS at times. I don't really know what I believe in regards to an "afterlife" or a heaven/hell type scenario, either. Sometimes there are circumstances we are born into or things that happen to us that are beyond our control. I hope you can find that peace that you have been searching for.


I completely understand your reasonings. I have felt the same way for as long as I can remember. Including the not offing myself route for the sake of my family. If I ever got diagnosed with something terminal, I’d be the same way. I’ve mentioned it to my parents & brother. While not happy with the idea of me not fighting whatever it could be if it happened. They were heartbroken but support it. My only goal I guess would be to travel to Europe but with financial instability & covid. That’s not gonna happen any time soon. From one person with clinical depression to another I’m glad you’ve found some sort of happiness & peace.


Congratulations on your ticket home. I wish I could get over the blocks that make my life harder than it has to be. In many ways in understand you. My ride isn’t over yet but I get why some want to exit early.


I am sixty years old. Depression is all I have ever known, save for a handful of short-lived periods of hopefulness in life. My oldest brother, who was my only real father figure, took his own life at age 21. It absolutely devastated my mother. She still, at age 85, thinks of him all day and wonders what she could have done differently. That is why I swore never to end my own life while she is still living. I swore to try to lift her up, even though I cannot do that for myself. I have kept that promise. It is the reason I live, and the reason I will live for as long as she does. But one afternoon last summer, feeling tired, I laid down for a nap. I awoke after about an hour with terrible chest pain and numbness in my left arm. I was also having difficulty breathing. I thought that I was having a heart attack. I've seen four other men that died from heart failure, and I know it is not the easiest of deaths. Yet I felt happy. The thought that I might die at that moment filled me positive emotions. I was smiling. I remember thinking that I couldn't remember the last time I felt a genuine smile. Having picked up the phone instinctively with the intention of calling 911, I put it back on the nightstand, and just relaxed. I was ready. I waited. The pain slowly abated. I don't know if that really was a cardiac event. I haven't told the doctor about it, as I really don't want treatment for it. I still feel guilty that I was willing to allow myself to die while my mother still lives, but I doubt that I would act differently if it happened again today. I'm still ready.


You should try to have a guided Psychedelic experience before you go. One Love friend.


I think that at least a piece of my grandma felt the same way. She attempted suicide multiple times and spent her last years in her home depressed. I visited a lot and I know it made her happy, but no individual could save a person who hurt as much as she did. I miss her with all my heart, but I’m glad all of her pain and torment is over. In a morbid way, I’m glad your pain will be coming to its end.


I've felt this for a long time myself, suffering from depression and anxiety and not wanting to kill myself, exactly, but not wanting to live anymore, either. My therapist called it passive suicidal ideation: wanting to die, but not by my own hand.


This is gonna sound fucked up. But I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember and the fact you'll finally achieve the peace that you deserve. I'm really happy for you. You deserve peace. You deserve to rest. You've endured for so long, I'm proud of you. You can let go, now. These are words I want to hear before I die but I'm passing it to you, I hope my sincerity reaches you. You deserve happiness, no matter how short it is.


Travel around the world so that if you have crazy adventures that kill you then at least you went full YOLO. Like live a crazy life traveling the world accumulating a shit ton of credit card debt that you’re never paying off. Go all out. Go out with a big adventure.


I might not be able to have a drink with you OP, but I will toast to you tonight. I hope you find whatever that you are looking for.


My heart is heavy but I have nothing to say to you that will make this better.


I'm happy that you're happy. Shit sucks but if you're cool with it then i wish you godspeed. I don't mean to make you feel bad and this is not to put you down, but to me, thats my biggest existential fear. You're young, no kids, no major accomplishments. When you pass, your family will remember you, but beyond that, you're name will be a record in a town register somewhere and thats all. Once again this is not to put you down, i'm sure you've touched many lives and they will mourn your passing, but once those people shun their mortal coil, your name will never be mentioned again. Fuck that. Go out in a blaze my man. Do not go quietly into that good night. Make us remember you. Fuck depression. You have such little time left. Use it to go all out. Burn the candle at both ends and live with whatever time you have left.


I always think that if I find out that I’m gonna die soon, that time would be the best time of my life, because I would really appreciate it, now that it know that it will end. We don’t appreciate things until we lose them. So I hope you use this time you have to really appreciate what life is, to have the best time with your loved ones and to enjoy it at the fullest. Fly high stranger from Reddit. Edit: typo


Hope you rest.


Well , good for you man , enjoy your time with us and your at peace and happy with it so am I. Cheers and ill see you in the long sleep soon enough.


same here, i dont find anything worth staying for in this world


Congratulations. If you're happy, then I'm.happy for you. What do you think happens after we die?


Hope you have a great day!


That was tough to read but I guess all I can say is congratulations.


Hey!!! Go to vegas! Go to NYC!! See what parts of the world you can


Idk if you'll see this but if you're worried about a bad trip, eat a small handful just to get the positive feelings first and go from there. I wish you a calm and peaceful ending, OP.


Try a psychedelic before you go.


Shrooms and L are awesome. Just have a Xanax on hand for the very unlikely scenario you have a bad trip


I wish you a peaceful and painless leaving and without fear


Hell yeah, you should track down some form of psychedelics and REALLY accept death


Hugs....enjoy it, what you can, before the final peace. Life is overrated. But yes also do the shrooms and maybe some weed and video games. I hope you sleep great.


Sorry that you got the bad roll, hope you can a few things you like between times! We will all join with your dust soon enough so it shouldn’t be lonely for long.


They just came out with data that shows significant positive results from using nitrous oxide on people with depression. As in the positive effects last for sometimes 2 weeks after the prescribed dosing. I realize your days are numbered, but there are still things that can help with the quality of those days. And can help some one tomorrow in the same boat. I wish you well in your final days and hope you find some peace.




I totally understand. The world is beautiful but also really shitty. I hope you can enjoy the days you have left. 🙃


Always remember this one really vivid dream where I ended up dying and the only thing I can remember was the overwhelming sense of relief. Just glad the ride was over


Please try Mushrooms. It can be a pretty profound experience and may even add to the joy you might get to feel in your final days.


I truly wish you the best man. I’m happy you found your peace. Don’t worry about your loved ones, time heals all wounds!


Hope you do well!


Do a flip!


I don't know what to say but may God help you and console you and prepare you in every way. In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti.


You would have died anyway but maybe not at a time you would have liked. I struggle to understand your mindset but I am not you and maybe I'm not supposed to understand it, so from one stranger to another: Go in peace.


I’m sorry that you’ve had such a rough go at it, friend. I think that, while a lot of us want to be optimistic about the chances of people’s lives turning around, the truth is that it just doesn’t always happen. There’s no guarantee that things will get better just because you keep trying. There are instances, probably more often than we’d like to think, in which individuals just have really shitty, unfulfilling lives the whole way through. They never get a big turn-around, whether they spend their days trying to reach it or not. It just doesn’t happen. I’m sorry that you haven’t had a better experience here; but I hope that you do feel some peace knowing that you don’t have to trudge through several more decades trying to find meaning and happiness because people tell you that’s what you’re supposed to do. I hope the rest of your days here aren’t too painful, either physically or mentally for you and your loved ones. Whether it’s soaring through the universe, a “heaven,” or even just a consciousless end that awaits us on the other side, I hope whatever you find there brings you peace and relief from the pain of life in this world.


Life is an illusion.


Honestly out of all the people who could have gotten this diagnosis, it looks like the dice rolled in one of the most favorable ways possible if you are truly happy and relieved about it. I hope you can enjoy the time you have left and I am truly sorry that you had such a rough go of it mentally. For the record you did make something of yourself, who knows how many people on your shoes would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. Go easy on yourself and have some fun.


I’ve never truly feared death, but I’ve always tried to enjoy life. Or make it meaningful. I’m sorry you haven’t found a reason to do the same. It seems like a hopeless existence.


I felt like this when I was in my teens and early 20s. Then I had an experience where I thought I was going to die. Instinct took over and I fought to stay alive. After that, something in my brain shifted and I continued fighting to live and began to actually enjoy life.