By - LateAd3986
Assuming you’re a good person now, I don’t think you should have to hide from this past. You may have lost your path a bit as a child but it is understandable given the pain and trauma you went through without any proper guidance in formative years. The shame to carry is not yours OP. Give your wife a chance to be there for you and truly know and love you, all of you. You deserve it and you deserve to free yourself from the secretive prison of shame you live in. Well done on surviving and living well.
I’m not a good person, but I really want to be and I think I’m genuinely trying to be. Thanks tho
i haven't met many good people who believe they are good people! remember that if you want to be a good person and that you are genuinely trying, you've basically hit all the basic qualifications of being a good person.
actions obviously define a person, but it sounds to an outsider like you're being hard on yourself :)
OP, by reading those last couple paragraphs I think you will be fine. This is exactly what you are in there for. It's a safe space to be able to tell her how you feel . We are all flawed, we just hope to be able to find someone that makes us more complete . You are a good man and if you keep trying to do good you won't go wrong! Stay strong bro! You'll feel soo much better when you pull the bandage off and tell her ! Much love bro!
Genuinely wanting to change is always a sign of being a good person
There is no genetic predisposition for murder. That was a choice your dad made. You won’t do that.
This is definitely not comparable, but I have the genetics to become a drug addicted deadbeat, but I've stayed away from it (minus edibles every now and then), I don't have kids and am scared to have any, but I know I'd be the best mom I could be, just to defy what was shown to me to be a good mom. You are better cuz you are trying to be a better person than the examples that were given to you.
You should be really proud of that and definitely keep it up to break the cycle
I unfortunately am a deadbeat addit but yeah haven’t killed anyone. That feels like a low bar thi lol
What is better, to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort.
Being a good person is nothing more than taking a breath before making a decision or taking an action and consciously choosing to be better than you were. It's an accumulation of these pauses that leads up to being better than you were.
You can do it, I know you can. Just figure out what the "next right thing" is, and do that.
As for your wife, she's going to have to see your commitment to a process of improvement before she can start to trust you more. Be patient, stick with your commitment to improve, and you'll have a better life, bit by bit.
Very much this. We judge other people by the actions we see, but we judge ourselves, much more harshly, by our thoughts. Which matter less than we believe.
Bad people don’t worry about being good people.
You’ll be fine, my guy. Trust your wife.
This is a perfect reply; well done, LateAd3986! OP, please read this over and over to yourself slowly until the meaning of the words sinks into your brain and your heart! You need to feel this message!
Secrets fester within us. They create most of our problems, because of all of the shame that can be associated with them, and we have to blow of that shame somehow.
The cure to this is being vulnerable and sharing ourselves with others.
I see nothing you did in your post that was wrong, I see horrible things you've experienced. Murder is not genetic, and part of being a good partner is being open and honest with your wife.
Good for you for being so brave and taking this step, I strongly suspect it will make your relationship so much better and stronger, and help you heal from some of the shit you're carrying with you.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Putting it lightly you got dealt a shit hand. You likely have played it better than most. If some you care about can't at bare minimum see that simple fact as much as it hurts your being done a favor by it ending now.
Thanks dude but I’m gonna feel bad if I don’t clarify that I haven’t played it super well for the record. Kinda badly actually, but I’m working on sobriety now so hopefully that’s progress
Most people would look at your life story and think it is the start of a tragedy. You have decided to grab the reigns and as much as possible try to wrestle your life away from that ending. Maybe it hasn't always worked out. Maybe you arent making the talk show circuit about how you went from foster care to a medical degree. People get too blinded by wanting something that is narratively fulfilling that they are blinded to how awe inspiring the more simple stories are. Simply getting up and deciding not to get high or drunk is a win. Any day where you've taken a haymaker and managed to climb back to your feet even if you are spitting out blood and teeth deserves the triumphant music no matter how wobbly your knees are.
Sobriety sounds like a good idea, my friend.
I’m just going off the fact that you said “working on sobriety now” rather than “I am sober now” so apologies if I’m wrong, but in the event that this is an active struggle for you, I hope you’re engaging all possible supports to help.
Getting sober is really hard and even harder to do alone. But it’s really worth it.
This right here. People CAN change. Most won’t. My husband did.
He admitted he had issues. Said it out loud - to me. And together we conquered them. He wasn’t very good, and he was the worst to me.
But that was more than 10 years ago and he is a great person and we have a great marriage.
You’re doing great. Don’t give up now.
Um. You are surviving and trying to salvage your relationship and stay clean. Given the insane amount of generational trauma you have been carrying, it's no wonder you've struggled. Group homes suck, I worked in one for years in SWMO. Foster care sucks, and what happened to your parents is fucking awful.
When I worked at my group home, the kids had insane behaviors and I am a patient person but I got really frustrated one day. Our clinical psych told me something that changed how I view behavior to this day (and I still work with kids who struggle.) She said "Phoenix, you've read that kid's file. You know what she's survived. This bad behavior you're complaining about- yeah, it's bad, but it's also the way this resilient child has learned to survive in a world where she was never allowed to be safe and loved." Yeah you've fucked up here and there, lord knows we all have, but give yourself some grace and keep fighting the good fight.
You’re a saint for doing that job, thank you. I shudder at what a little terrorist I was back then. But I’m 39 now and ill never forget some of those people, wish I could tell them i appreciate what they did
You need to tell her, but you need to tell her that what you’re about to tell her isn’t easy. Something like
“I know I should have told you this a long time ago, but to be honest, I’m scared. I’m scared of being judged. I’m scared that you will look at me different. I’m scared you will automatically think the worst. I love you, and please know that you are my world.
My childhood was terrible. I know I’ve told you bits and pieces, but that’s when I was drinking so I don’t know how much I actually told you.”
Then go into the actual story.
My guess is that she won’t judge you at all
This right here
Your genetics aren't going to make you a murderer. I would suggest you stay away from abusing alcohol until you are black out drunk and definitely stay away from drugs. Drugs and alcohol lead many people down that road that leads to abuse, assault or even murder. Don't blame yourself for your parents'mistakes. Take responsibility for yourself and you will be cool.
How did your sister turn out? Are you in contact with her at all? Good luck OP.
I was a preschool teacher and you are describing something that happened with one of my kids. He'd be in his 20s now. If you were that boy, I'd tell you that I am so thankful that you are still here. I think about him often and hope he is thriving.
So I hope that for you. I am going to talk to you like you ARE that little boy.
You were a treasure, even when you were angry. You were loved on your absolute worst days. You deserve to be healed and whole. You experienced something no child should have to carry with them. You deserve to be seen and loved for who you are. You deserve to feel safe to be seen. You are not your father. You are not your mother. You are not your grief or anger or depression. You are someone who has tremendous worth. I sincerely hope you are able to have peace.
The best thing you can do here, my friend, is really try to clean out your closet - your own, and your previous generations.
That means really living your values and principles, like honesty, integrity, passion, authenticity, discipline.
Whatever values/principles chime most with you. Live them.
I would suggest individual therapy, and not just marriage counselling, as you seem to be carrying a lot of shame and trauma.
I don't know anything about any chi, but we are not our parents.
You know, my husband (who is now the best person I know) slipped off the straight path when he was young. He also stole a car - amongst other things. He learnt, and has grown into the most wonderful, gentle human being.
Who you were then is not who you are now. You've grown and learnt from it. That's what's important, not that you did it in the first place (obviously that doesn't extend to all behaviour, but those aren't relevant here).
Another important thing to note is that your father's genetics didn't make him kill your mother. He isn't a murderer because of random genes getting together. Likewise, you're not a bad person for sharing some of his genes. You are not your father. You are nowhere close. You are two entirely separate entities that just happen to be biologically related.
Have some faith in the woman that loves you. Your perception of her possible reaction is coloured by your own opinions of yourself, and honestly it seems like you're beating yourself for your younger self's behaviour when, speaking from experience, no one leaves the Foster care system unscathed. Ever. Even though it may be better than where you were, it isn't great.
Give yourself, and your wife, a little grace. You're just as worthy of love and care as the next person.
I think if you tell her all that will happen is she will feel really sad that you had to go through all that trauma. I don't think she'll suddenly think you're capable of murder, I didn't even make that connection at all when reading your story, I just felt sad that you had such a rough childhood. You should tell her.
Same! I think OPs wife has her own issues she needs to work through if she were to make that sort of connection.
God, I’m so incredibly sorry this happened to you. I think the fact that you have managed to grow into a person who is able to form relationships is a testament to your strength. Please also know that genes aren’t destiny. They’re just one of many factors that go into making you who you are.
I think it’s likely that she knows at least something about this. If she knows anyone who knows what happened, it probably came up in conversation. Or you may have said something while you were drunk.
I really thought about this prior to answering. I completely understand why you’d be nervous. She may need a day or so to process it all. She may be annoyed that you didn’t tell her sooner. But every adult person in the world should be able to understand why you’d find it difficult, if not impossible, to talk about this.
The fact that you’re willing to talk about this with her in therapy is a sincere and significant indication of how much you value your marriage and want it to work.
I’m keeping such a good thought for you as you work on your marriage. I hope that you are able to find real and lasting peace in your life. You deserve it.
That’s really kind of you to say so thank uou. I really hope she already knows and it’s possible, I’ll find out I huess
I was born out of rape (confirmed by both party).
My man was born by a man who was like your father but failed (his mother survived it).
There are adult children like us around. I am 38, my man is 32. Amount of people we raped and murdered so far are zero. We are not our genetics.
Reach out to your marriage counselor and see if you can meet them for a session with out your wife so that you can talk through how to have the conversation in the next session with your wife. It also helps your marriage counselors ability to facilitate the conversation a lot better.
My FIL had a similar situation. And he's one of the kindest people I've ever met. You are not your father. You are you. Learn from his mistakes and yours.
She will only see the genetics of someone she loves, who she is prepared to work for, and who has been hurt in a way that is unimaginable to most of us. You experienced an early life that would break most, yet you clearly have had the strength to escape what could easily have been a vicious cycle. She will see a side of you that she might have suspected, but sharing your grief, your burden, can only make things better for you both.
We aren’t our parents, we are genetically rigged to be a duplicate of them. We have it in us to be many things, but a murderer? No. No one would assume this, let alone someone who loves and knows you, just because you have one in your family. We have a dark patch too in our family history and yet that side of my family is filled with the most loving and caring people. They are defined by things like their personalities, their obsession with knitting, music, sport, the love they have for their family and each other - and we judge each other by each others actions, not those of others.
You are someone that has been abused beyond a point that many of us wouldn’t be able to come back from, and yet here you are, talking about your life, reflecting with love and fear. You and your sister didn’t deserve any of what happened to you, I am so sorry you went through what you did, but don’t let it define you.
As someone also dealt a shit start dont worry. Have you murdered anyone? No ok great. Odds are youre trying to be nothing like that, the polar opposite and thats enough. Be the guy you wish you had on your side back then and you will impress yourself. I try to think and act like my friends father who was the real deal, a smart compassionate family man that worked hard to better his family and himself. If people like that really exist then why cant I be one so some kid looks up to me in 40 years
Maybe sharing it would help you more than you think. People should love you for your actions.
Genetics are just a predisposition, not who you are.
Your whole family is not murderers. Just one sad man with a serious addiction issue and mental issues obviously.
So let's be extremely honest because I am not the warm and fuzzy type. You are predisposed to addiction to some things. That doesn't mean you get a free pass not to hold yourself accountable.
Knowing what your weaknesses are can also be a source of strength. Plus, genetics can be changed over time. If you avoid the things that lead your dad to that place and be better. Your kids will have better genetics. They will have better nature and nurture. You have a chance to turn around from where you came and send the world off in a better place.
Yes it's scary, but don't take it as some evil inevitably. Your dad eventually felt that way. He stopped accepting blame. He stopped holding himself accountable. Never do that and you will be more than fine. The best people in this world often come from the worst places. You got this.
If you have never been violent or "scary" (like getting in her face screaming or something) with her, I don't think she would take this at all as you're fearing. Without knowing why you're in counseling and how she's feeling right now, I think the most normal reaction would be to just be flooded with compassion and just want to hold you. The fact that you went through such terrible things as a child may help her understand some things about the way you act. Not that (oh yeah, he's doing that because he has the genes of a murderer), not at all. But more like he has trouble opening up because he's afraid of being abandoned, or he doesn't like having to rely on others because the adults in his life weren't reliable.
It is really unfair that you have been left to feel that your father's actions and the circumstances of your upbringing make you a less worthy person. In fact, you have lived through things that most people never have to imagine, have overcome them to whatever degree you have, and are working to progress even further. You have been playing life on hard mode. No one will think less of you for that.
She won't be scared.All those unfortunate things happened to you when you were a little kid,you didn't do them.
So don't worry if she is a good person she won't be scared of you.She may get a little rattled and taken aback because this is a lot to process but she won't stop loving you.☺
Good luck and much love❤
Thank you for sharing. I really hope it works out for you. You did absolutely nothing wrong, it's not your burden to bear.
My ex found out my dad was abusive to my mom and broke up with me cause she "didn't wanna risk getting hit." Despite me being nothing like my father.
You need solo therapy for your trauma, my dude
I can only imagine how hard experiencing this and also holding this within you throughout your life.
I would imagine that when your wife hears this, there will be shock and feelings regarding this. Which is valid and she will need to process it.
I’m sure saying this out loud is scary and filled with uncertainty. I think it’ll help you mentally and also will open a new opportunity for a stronger and honest relationship with each other.
No matter what the past holds, you have grown and are not your past. You have dealt with significant trauma and deserve to live in peace. Growth always requires being honest with oneself. Which allows us to move forward in our present and future.
I’m a firm believer that we all deserve forgiveness for what we’ve done especially when growth and change has happened. We do things out of what we know and in survival. You deserve to live life freely and honestly.
If you think you have mentioned it drunk, that means she is aware something really bad happened. So she knows that and has never once asked you about it but was/has been there to listen to you when you have talked about it. She loves you my guy, if it was a problem for her she would have already asked. But she would rather actually care about you instead.
Also genetics are things like hair color and being allergic to peanuts. People’s actions are theirs to hold alone. The real person you should worry about and is yourself man, I’m really sorry you had to go through that. I wish you nothing but the best
How could you marry someone and not mention this background dude?
I don’t think she’ll be mad you had crappy parents and rough childhood. It’s not your fault.
But she’ll be mad you lied to her for so long about important personal history. It’s like she got married with out knowing all the facts. You stole her agency from her.
Murder is not in your genes. I’m so sorry BTW. Just be the man for your wife and kids that you need to be and they will love you.
Sending love .
Woody Harrelson's father- Charles Harrelson. Read about him. You are not your father. He's certainly not his father.
Charlize Theron too, and I’m sure many others. No one is defined by their past.
That’s a ton to bare. Are you in counseling? If not, I highly recommend it. How did you manage marrying someone who didn’t ask pertinent questions or did you lie when she asked? Either way, please, please seek mental health help and support. It will help you navigate all of this plus more.
yo, give up alcohol. That looks like the same path as your parents.
Hey man you got this... telling the truth is the right move. Sending a big hug to you!
Oh honey, what a terrible spot to be in! I can’t imagine keeping a secret that large for that long.
Look, you *really* need to talk to her about this before she gets enough hints and pieces it together on her own. This is going to suck so hard, but with a therapist to guide both of you through your emotions together, I think it will go well for you both in the long term.
When you talk, don’t try and suppress your emotion. You may find that such a guided talk can lift some of that burden off of your shoulders. I hope it does.
Good luck, friend.
The most important thing is that you are aware it’s an issue and if someone mentions you need help you take their advice immediately.
I think most people would kill someone given the wrong background/circumstances.
I don't question that I would.
You're not your parents at all, a person is what they choose. You don't have to tell your wife if you don't want but if she is as most decent people are, then rip the bandaid off and just tell her, if you want to. If you feel she has the character to use things against you in arguments then probably best not but then that would be pretty mean.
First off, I'm really sorry you went through any of that. It was not your fault.
I can understand your fear though. I knew I had some childhood trauma but lied to myself about how bad it was. I have a lot of missing memories but some have returned and they are...not good.
I was so scared to tell my husband. I didn't want him to see me as broken or that I would just snap. He didn't, sure he had questions and needed to process but he has been my rock.
I hope your wife is your rock. It's okay to be nervous and scared, it's a scary thing to be vulnerable. Your willingness to be vulnerable is what she will see.
I'm sorry but how did you marry someone ND never bring this up? Have you talked with a therapist about your anxiety over people leaving you or judging you?
I'm not a aging you're in the wrong because you've been through some shit but this definitely isn't something your average Joe would keep from a partner long term.
Would it be possible to speak to the therapist alone and tell them so you can be prepared for the conversation with your wife the following session? It would help the therapist to support you and support the conversation.
I had a murder suicide in my family. My ex in laws decided it reflected on me somehow but they were people who were already looking for any reason to have a problem with me. For someone who loves you, it may be a shock to hear it but I don't believe they would look at you differently, but the vulberability could offer them some insights and bring you closer together
I had a childhood friend (both my parents and her bio parents and stepdad had all been friends since we were babies) who’s mother did the same to the stepfather when my friend and I were in high school. Sadly my friends bio dad was in prison, so she had to live completely alone and on her own until he was released. She was one of the sweetest people to grace this earth. Sadly thought, she died from “suicide”…. A lot of speculation about her highly abusive boyfriend she had when we were in college.
She had a tough life, but she was literally one of the most positive, ambitious, kind, loving, and beautiful people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.
Addressing these issues will help to reassure both of y’all that you’re not going to follow that same path, and working together on issues we have buried within ourselves will strengthen the relationship between the two of you. Best of luck for you I hope it all works out
Murder is not hereditary.
Read that again, as many times as needed to sink it in.
OP you might not read my comment but our stories are similar, as you remind me of my younger brother. I have 2 brothers, one older and one younger. When we were 9,8 and 5 our dad killed our mom too, tried to kill himself but failed. We lived with different family members before my dad was released from prison and we moved in with his girlfriend because she ended up with custody when I turned 15. My younger brother was a troubled kid, and still might be but I haven't spoken to or seen him in about 6ish years. He ended up in a group home away from us around the same age as you (15/16?), developed a drug problem and also stole a car. Our dads killing our moms is such a huge traumatic thing to process at age 5, the behaviour makes sense.
You found someone who loves you and married you, give her the chance to understand this part of you too.
I understand the worry because even as the older sibling, I get the same fears that people might think the same of me if I get too outwardly mad. " Oh, of course, her dad killed her mom so blah blah blah" has rang in my head so many times before.
I have the feeling she will love and support you and try and help you heal more completely if/when she hears your story.
Best of luck OP, we are not our dads, please remember that.
Just be open and honest. I'm sure your wife will have questions that may be hard to answer. I'm sure your wife will be both hurt and confused as to why you kept it from her for so long. If she truly cares about you, she will be loving and supportive and thankful that you felt comfortable enough to share it with her. The first few hours or days will be tough, but just remember that you have each other. You are enough. Your life matters. You are loved by your wife. Marriage isn't always easy. Marriage isn't always fun. At the end of the day, you have each other and that's all that matters.
How the hell are you married to someone and haven't told them this stuff?
Don't be rude . It can be hard to talk about these things out of fear and possibly embarrassment. I can understand him not wanting to tell his wife about it.
But op if you read this, you shouldn't carry the burdens from the sins your parents committed. It's not your fault you went through what you went through. If she is your wife, she will be there and it will shed some light on why you have unsober moments. You and your wife will be fine.
Genetics don't make people murder. Desperation and insanity do
I hate this sub reddit sugestions
*sigh* you’re overreacting and overthinking.
“Are you currently a serial killer? No? Okay. Done.
Dude...you just don't know! Women LOVE a damaged dude....it brings out the nurturing instinct! She's going to smother you with kindness and understanding once you make yourself vulnerable by telling her. Mark my words...a while from now you may have to separate for respite from the smothering
I think you should have told your wife before you got married. Because now you can pass that mental illness to her children. Which isn't really fair
You married her without telling her. Wild!
I know this probably doesn’t make it any better but she always got along well with my sister and I hoped she’d tell her way earlier on and then ask me about it but that never happened, and then when more time passes it gets a lot harder and I’d already lied about how my mom died so it felt really hard to undo. And then I wasn’t sure what I’d already told her so just avoided it. I knkw that’s not an excuse but it’s how it got away from me
this is worse than the actual thing
yeah I realize that now and feel really bad about it. I just didn’t want her to leave and the tbought of her looking at me the way my mom used to look at my dad kinda majorly fucks me up
Genetics are not responsible for you being a bad person. You messed up at 14. So what? Doesn't mean you are a murderer.
Was your dad in active addiction when he did this? Because if he was, he wasn’t himself or in the right state of mind when he did what he did.
The genetics you should be worried about is the addict gene. It could probably the drugs and not your father’s true self.
Hey- you don't have to be your father. There is no genetic predisposition to kill. You are your own person and you get to make your own choices.
You are not alone. I tell any potential boyfriends, up front before we date that I’m a damaged person for much the same reason as you but I was 14 when dad killed mom beat me and left me for dead. Dad repeatedly raped me from nine years old until that day. I still can’t be alone with a man without fears and feelings of inadequacy. But I tell them up front many can’t handle the information a few do. It’s probably something you can’t do for many reasons. But it’s time to come clean and tell her everything. If she truly loves you she will understand. Be patient as she may need some time to process the information. And please quit getting that drunk it’s scary. Maybe only in my opinion because that was when my dad beat us every time he got drunk. I didn’t have a big brother or sister to confide in I think I truly missed and needed you weren’t alone. Be great full for what you have today
I don’t think you have betrayed your wife because you yourself are still dealing with it. The way you have been doin it was to be private about it. You don’t have to tell anyone. It’s not you and you didn’t do it.
As the wife I would feel very ambivalent about it.
Abvialent as in you wouldn’t care or as in like hesistant about it? Sorry just wondering
As in I would have mixed emotions that I wasn’t told my loved ones whole bio. I would understand why my loved one was conflicted or keeping quiet about it. Im not sure what emotions would be kicked into,over drive but I don’t believe I would be afraid or think you had bad DNA.
Ok yeah that makes sense, thank you
You might be surprised, OP.
Killing is not genetic. Look at the many killers who have had law-abiding children.
This is not your fault. If she loves you, she'll understand and help you through this.
Why do you need to tell them?
i mean i Dont really have t obviously but most of our therapy has been about how i lie about shit, so I figure it would be a gesture
Nah, I wouldn’t say anything, unless you want her to know. But if you don’t really want her to know then their is no point.
Have you resolved these issues with on yourself? If so, then you don’t need to tell her.
Why the fuck didn’t you bring this up before getting married?