How do i tell my friends that am dieing?
By - 0_0singulariTy
Honestly, I would ask them if they could come over or meet up and let them know that you have something serious to talk about with them. Sit them down and just be as honest as you feel comfortable being. I don't think you need to say 'I'm gonna die this year or sooner' unless that is what you want to tell them, but I would let them know that last year you were diagnosed with a terminal illness and that you value their friendship enough that you wanted them to know. If you wanted, you could ask if they have questions or anything like that.
Speaking as a person who had a friend not tell her about a terminal diagnosis until the very end, it was really difficult, and I wish I had known earlier not only to prepare myself, but so that I could have been a supportive person and helped my friend.
Please make sure that you are taking care of yourself when you tell them too. I couldn't imagine how difficult that would be emotionally, so please make sure that you have some support after going through this emotional experience.
This was pretty much what I was going to recommend. But I read some of the other posts and here is a mash-up recommendation based on wisdom for several people:
1. Postpone until after exams
2. Postpone until you think it’s getting close to a time when they will probably figure out that something is going on
3. Invite them over by setting it up as needing to tell them something serious
4. Ask them for anything specific you want, like if you don’t want pity, give them specific requests of what they CAN do: like please keep inviting me to parties, please don’t tell strangers when we are at a bar, etc.
4. Figure out for yourself how you would distinguish between being pitied and feeling the love they have for you, because they will want to show it, and if you are able—you don’t have to—it would be a gift from you to them, to let them do things for you like push a wheelchair or run an errand or take a night watching over you so your family can rest. It makes people feel valued to contribute. They will need an outlet for their feelings.
I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I wish you peace and love.
>it would be a gift from you to them, to let them do things for you like push a wheelchair or run an errand
A gift to them it's exactly what it is.
I remember when one of my best friends had a kid, it was a joy for me to make a few weeks of freezable dinners for him and his wife. When he told me they were pregnant with a second, I looked forward to being able to do it again.
One of the greatest feelings of joy in this life comes from giving and serving others so it really is a gift to them. Unfortunately some people are not good at receiving and rob others from the joy of giving.
How can I get better at receiving?
Wow I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't know what to say really. But I think that your friends would appreciate knowing it because I'm sure they want to make the best of the time you have left and tell you how much they love and care for you. I know I would.
I know they would try to make me feel better for the rest of my remaining time but... Its hard to tell them.... Its like... I know this is horrible metaphor but its like proposing to someone for the first time... So much nervousness and uncertainty.
Once i tell them... They'll start acting differently around me... Talking to me politely.... Giving me respect... Taking pity on me.... I know this will happen because I've faced similar situation with my family members.
Maybe not! I had a very good friend I used to bullshit with all the time. I found out he had stage 4 prostate cancer and I never mentioned it again. I’ve been seriously sick enough to know nobody truly sick wants to talk about it. I still verbally dragged him through the mud and kept our trash back and forth comedy routine up until he died a year later. I just cried in private all the time. I know he really appreciated it because when he was on his death bed and delirious from a brain bleed his mom said he called me his best friend and wanted me to come see him. So I drove to him and told him he looked like shit. I miss him so much.
I don’t know why I wrote this out, I just miss him and your post reminded me of it :(
So sorry that happened to you two. He must have really appreciated you. Not everyone would have known what to do.
This is exactly the right sentiment ❤️
Bro im so sorry for your loss
How old was he when he passed?
Hmm I understand. In the end it's your own decision. You could also keep quiet and just have good times with them. Maybe explain to them in a letter why you decided not to tell them... I think they would want to know to find closure.
A letter is a great idea if the OP doesn't want to tell them face to face for the reasons they stated. It explains why they didn't tell them about their situation and it leaves the friends with something they can hold onto. I'd love to leave a letter to my family and friends as a goodbye, I think that would be beautiful.
Yes. This 👆
I agree with this
>They'll start acting differently around me... Talking to me politely.... Giving me respect... Taking pity on me.... I know this will happen because I've faced similar situation with my family members.
At the end of the day, it is your decision, you can always tell them at the last possible moment. It is ok to not want pity.
Exactly, it isn't now or never. You can enjoy time now and wait until you are sicker to tell them. I do think they would appreciate knowing with enough time to say goodbye, but as others have said, do what will work for you.
You can always write a couple letters down that they can read explaining stuff
If I were your friend, I would want to know. But you're also right. It would change the way I acted around you. I'd probably want to spend more time with you because, well, I'd only have a year left with you. But if you didn't tell me and, say, left me a letter explaining why you didn't tell me, I would totally understand. At the end of the day it's your choice. I just wanted to give my perspective on how I'd feel from a friend's standpoint
I will give you my own personal experience, my best friend from high school was diagnosed with cervical cancer in her early 30's. We lived in different states but she kept me posted on treatments and the trials she got into, and one day when I texted her, her reply sounded.....off. she used my name and said that she was getting into a trial but she just didn't think it was going to matter much. Looking back I think her husband wrote me that text to prepare me.... I got a call from him maybe 2 weeks later from her number, she was in a coma and had signed a waiver to withhold nutrition. She never told me she knew she was terminal. I got there 2 days before she passed and said goodbye but I didn't "feel" her in that room with her body....i think she was already gone but her body hadn't caught up. I was there to grieve with her family, her husband, her 2 year old son. She didn't want a fuss, she didn't want anyone to treat her differently, just like you mentioned. It was her choice and I cannot imagine how difficult it was for her to even accept that she was dieing, let alone tell the world, or even her closest friends. It didn't matter in the end when I found out, we lost her all the same. Do what feels right for you, if you want to tell them, tell them, if you want to continue on as normal as long as you can, do that.....this is your life, whats left is yours and you deserve the choice to live it out how you want to. I am so sorry that you are in this situation, I hope the remainder if your life is exactly what you hope for and your transition is as peaceful as it can be
Everything you taught your friends gets to stay with them. It will improve their experience from this day on.
I lost friends but they’re also the reason I’m the person I am now.
Consider you should be proud of everything they learned from you. Soon they’ll go teach it to others and they’ll continue your legacy.
You’ve fulfilled your duties man.
I did too. I’ve made many people happy and I could die any moment and I’d die proud knowing I helped many people crack a laugh or a smile.
They will follow your lead. If you have the kind of relationship where you’re always roasting each other, let them know you expect that until the end.
Please tell them beforehand. As someone else said, after exams for sure. But please let them prepare themselves for life without you. Give them the opportunity to let you know what you mean to them.
Oftentimes we change our behavior because we don’t know what to make of a situation. In the same initial conversation, set your boundaries and expectations going forward. One example from my life of setting emotional boundaries is from when I was young. When I was in elementary school, I zoned out in class and failed to answer a direct question on what was just stated. The teacher accused me of being in “lala land,” which made me cry (frustration from undiagnosed ADHD at the time). He is a genuinely nice guy and he felt awful. The same teacher would give students prizes from the school store occasionally as a reward. I noticed that he was giving me prizes more frequently after this incident. After talking with my parents and how I felt about the situation, I was able to articulate and ask him to stop treating me differently from other students. He really seemed to relax after I set this emotional boundary. It showed him that I wasn’t mad at him and that he didn’t owe me anything. Once this boundary was set, our teacher-student relationship normalized again. It sounds like you are here to find a way to articulate what you want to say. I personally think that the best thing to do is to set emotional boundaries, which can affect your friends’ behavior. I believe your family can help with this since they have more experience with your situation. Best of luck!
You don't mention what illness, but most likely, wouldn't they be able to tell as some point? And by then, it may be out of your control. Just a thought.
I would want to know. People are human and generally self centered. People take things for granted, it’s kind of expected, but once something or someone they care about is lost, they regret not doing things differently. I’ve been in that situation before and have many regrets from it.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and appreciate your consideration towards them.
Take a vacay with em all. Mountains beach whatever last day tell them... what I would do. Atleast 3 beers in when done but not trashed.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you have a year or more left, regardless of whether you tell them sooner, later or never, consider waiting until after their classes and finals are finished. That's a hard thing to process as you are trying to deal with the stress of finishing college.
I do think they will likely appreciate being able to say goodbye. But i get your concern about changing how they look at you. There is no reason why you can't wait until you are sicker or closer to the end to tell them, giving you more time before they know but also letting them in before its too late to say goodbye.
Many many many hugs.
I'd like to strongly suggest OP waits till after exams are over. This kind of thing can really mess some people up and they need time to process it.
I completely agree with you, if I found out i was going to pass away soon, I would tell the people I think are the most important part oy life, but I would also reach out to ppl that make an impact on my life, to let everyone know how much they meant to me in my journey. It may hurt to tell ppl because of the feelings they will have, but as a person left behind when someone was dying and I didn't know or see them, I often wonder if I had spent more time with them would I feel different
Agreed, I have a wonderful group of friends I've grown up with si ce I was 10 I would want them to know. I know it won't change the outcome but it would keep them from feeling like they would have made more memories if only they were given a chance.
As someone who was on the other side of this situation just a few months ago (being the friend), I would say at the very least they do want to know. One of my best friends went about it by sending a decently detailed discord post (since we are all in different countries) stating that she would be passing in three weeks, it is a sure thing, and that if we have any questions or anything she will do her best answering them. As none of us had any idea what was going on it was an incredible shock, but after a day or two of talking and processing a bit it ultimately gave us the opportunity to do everything we could to make her last time whatever she wanted it to be. For our situation, she had just gotten into Valheim so I got a dedicated server set up and our group of friends played every night those three weeks and got her through all the current content and had a lot of fun together. We had the chance to say goodbye, to prepare for her passing, and ultimately tell her that we love her and are happy to have gotten to know her.
Dont know if my story there is helpful to you at all, but mostly wanted to say that keeping it a secret until you pass will likely leave those friends with a lot of unanswered questions, whereas telling them lets everyone involved have a chance to partake in your final time in whatever way you wish. That being said, it is ultimately up to you. It is your life, and you are the one who gets to decide how you wish to spend your time. For my situation personally I will forever be grateful my friend felt safe enough to include us at the end, but every situation is of course different.
Apologies for the wall of text! I am so sorry you are having to deal with this situation, and I wish you all the best. Hugs!
Man that is one crazy fucking story. It’s so easy to get caught up in day to day life, with work, whatever it is and you just end up forgetting that one day your gonna die. It’s a reminder to live your damn life, shits almost inspiring in a way. I’m sorry you lost a friend, that must have been tough.
“Raise your hand if you don’t have a friend with a terminal illness-not so fast buddy!”
Sorry for the bad joke, op. I think you should be as honest with your friends as you feel comfortable with. I’d want to know if my friend was sick and how to support them and their family.
That was good... It made me laugh... Thank you..
Good, I’m glad. Good luck to you, op
Keep reading that thread, they were joking.
But this is exactly why he doesn't want to tell them. He doesn't want their dynamic to change into one where he is an object of concern, faff and pity. He just wants their friendship to remain as it is. I don't blame him, I don't have a terminal illness but I have a chronic one and I just don't tell anyone when I go into hospital for it because, fuck, being seen and treated as a sick person rather than yourself is so draining and humiliating and unnecessary and forces me into a position where I have to constantly reassure others and make them feel better.
I understand what you mean and I’m sorry for your troubles. But I’d still want to know. I get not wanting to tell them about your hospital visits but I’d hope your closer friends would know that you have an illness.
Recently one of my oldest closest friends had heart failure and nearly died. It shook the friend group pretty bad but we rallied and supported him. We stayed in constant contact with his brother asking for updates whole he was in the hospital. It would crush me if he didn’t feel like he could lean on us for support. Even if the support was ignoring it and carrying on as usual.
Just an idea: if I were your friend, I don't think I'd act any different around you while we're doing normal things. But I'd want to be there for you when you're dealing with the hard parts of your illness. That's what friends are for. They're there with you for the good and the bad. I understand why you don't want to tell them, and that's your choice. But I'm sure they wouldn't want you to have to deal with this alone
Yeah... OP will die peacefully.
His friends will feel whatever they need to feel to heal life goes on
This comment suits your username
That’s rather splendid
> “Who’s got two thumbs and a terminal illness? This guy!”
Oddly enough I was/am in a very similar situation. I waited for a few months to tell most people. I wanted to have a better understanding of exactly what my situation was before I told most people. I also found a support group at my local hospital (we meet online) to attend and asked them for ideas on how to tell people.
Key people — family, close friends, etc. — I told in person. I usually did it one on one and always when I knew we had time to talk. I gave them clear information: I have been diagnosed with ___ and my doctors expect I have about ___ time left to live. I also asked them if they had questions right now or needed some time to think for a while. Last, I told them I wanted to build memories for those I’ll be leaving behind and asked them if there was something specific they wanted to do together. After the initial conversations I made an email list to send out regular updates. Now that the key people all know I let others sort of find out more naturally. I’ve been sick for a while so opportunities to share come up pretty easily.
I have been going through cancer. So I can’t identify fully, but can emphasize to an extent. It’s incredibly uncomfortable telling people and there’s no “good” way to do it since everyone is shocked since I am “young and healthy”.
I think the above comment has excellent points. Having a simple way to explain that is fact based helps when they’re shocked. People also feel helpless that you are hurting, so a prepared way of things that they can do too is good. Having a way to process the reactions with a therapist/support group will be helpful. That’s if you decide to tell them.
People have listed great reasons why you should in the comments. But if you don’t, that’s okay too. You are the best person to decide that. Best of luck
How old are you? What were you diagnosed with? (if you don't mind me asking, of course)
If i was your friend I'd want to know. Maybe just say:"Hey can we grab a beer sometime next week? There's something important for me to share."
Of course it's your decision in the end.
If OP has a lot of friends they might become an alcoholic before everyone knows about their illness
Yes, tell them. Suggested wording: "Just wanted to make sure that you were aware that I have been diagnosed with a serious illness. The prognosis isn't good, but I've accepted it. Please don't treat me any different. I want to enjoy my time while I can."
This. No drama. To the point, facts, and asks exactly what the op wants out of the situation. The best that you can do is ask people what you want and your friends will oblige. Approved.
You realize that this is OP's last year or two in this life right? It's no business deal, it's op trying to manage the little time he has left.
No drama?? do the shit and ur friends will obligue?
You have no emotion man, take this seriously...
What I mean is I see a lot of recommendations about making a "get together" with an ambiguous statement like "I have something to announce."
Why waste time on something like this? Just say what's happening, make the announcement, and startliving life the way you want. Anyways, Op should get to choose how to make the announcement, but IMO I would choose the no drama approach.
My comment will probably be buried, but I wanted to share my two cents.
First, I’m very sorry about your prognosis. I can only imagine how hard that must be.
A couple of weeks ago, I got a message from my ex husband’s best friend. He thought I should know that my ex husband died of cancer that he’s only known about for ~6 months. I was in complete shock. I hadn’t talked to him in over a year, but I knew that when we were together he showed signs of illness. I could never get him to accept that he needed help. I suddenly felt like there was so much more I could have done. Maybe it all could have been avoided? Probably not, yet I blamed myself. The worst part was, having been left outside of the loop so to speak, I felt that I had no right to grieve.
With all of that being said, I think your friends deserve to know and if they’ve been paying attention, they’ve probably seen signs of your illness. If you’re just gone one day and they get that “hey (OP) is gone” message, they won’t get any sort of closure and they may feel that since you didn’t tell them, they don’t have a right to grieve and it’s a hard feeling. Yes, telling them will be hard, and yes, them knowing they’re going to lose their friend will be hard, but it’ll make it easier in the future for them I think. Plus, they can help make the best of your remaining time. Just take everything one day at a time and take everything in. Make memories with them and your family. ❤️
Death is a really hard thing to come to terms with, especially in your twenties.
The jury is out on which is worse, the sudden death of a friend or family member or a long, drawn out loss. In my limited experience, having time to prepare has helped me cope with loosing family members. And those sudden deaths have torn me apart brutality.
Dying is something we will all face one day and we can only strive to do so with grace while fighting it like hell. You will fight better with your friends beside you than if you fight alone.
So please tell them, maybe wait until after finals and find a quiet place to talk to each of them so that they have a chance to ask questions and to come to terms with what it means for your future.
And you will be friends for the rest of your life. Good luck OP.
I too have experienced both types of death in my family and among friends and I've found the ones where I knew it was gonna happen were easier than getting the phone call from another friends saying someone you love is gone. Also the sudden deaths were two of my closest friends, so maybe that had something to do how jarring it was. You're right, death is really hard to accept no matter how many times you've experienced it in your circle.
I am so sorry you had to go through that.
I can relate on some level what you went through. Sudden deaths can be brutal, even more so with close friends.
Having lost friends, ill tell you for sure, theyd rather know. They will want to know they did every thing they could to help ease your life even fight your sickness if they can.
They will hate forever that you leave without saying goodbye and you love them. They will want to tell you they leave you too and are sad to know youre going.
Do not leave them without warning, especially if you aren't coming back.
The gift of being able to say goodbye is so important. The ones you leave behind will want to know so they can have proper closure when it happens. It will be easier for them to keep you in their hearts without confusion. Not telling them and not gifting them with knowing their time with you is short can really mess someone up if they are very close to you.
I had a cousin who was terminal.
He had a group of best friends and asked them all to spend an entire week together, just an all out banger of what they all wanted to do as kids. They went lazer tag, bar hopping, took a cheap flight to the nearest beach, had a party there, went out and had a viking type feast on a beach complete with a pyre, it was all out banging. Deep sea fishing party, rented a yatch party. went on a party bus around hollywood and even got to meet two celebrities, i think they were wrestlers but i cant remember tbh, im not familiar with them.
Finally when it was all over and done with, that final night hanging around a campfire he gave them each a box of something important to him he wanted them to have and told them the truth, that he was dying.
He went out with a bang as he wanted too.
First of all im so sorry for your situation. Second this is a difficult question. If you don't tell them they are going to be shocked and hurt when it does eventually come out. How long can you realistically keep it from them with out them knowing? If they are really your friends they will be with you when things get difficult in the coming months.
This isn't going to be an easy journey for any of you and people all handle grief differently. It may put a sour note on your last few months with them but it may also give you the chance to really savor experiences that are truly valuable.
I can also understand the desire to put it off though. To keep things as they are for as long as possible and not cloud things with reality. The thing is there will come a time when you can't hide it, when the truth will come out. Its not about IF you should yell them but when.
And thats something only you can really know with your friend group. There is no playback for this sort of thing. Whatever it is it shouldn't be an afterthought. Invite them over have people sit around (in a group or individually) and tell them. Give them time to process.
First things first, I'm sorry to hear that, hope you're doing well
I think you should tell sooner than later, it's better for them to know what will happen and get ready for when it happens, if they know, they can dedicate more time for you and make your last months some of the best experiences you had so far, they might become sad for a while but it's a lot better than to wait for things to start to really manifest itself and it'll both hurt you and them a lot.
if your friends are all IRL friends, call them for a meeting with friends, say it's important and that you need to tell something for them, go to a place you all enjoy and start the conversation as usual, them simply open yourself for them, tell them how important they are and the good experiences you had with them. This might make them stay in shock for a while but personally I think it's better to deal with this now than later, they can also support you and help you a lot, trust your friends, they will be there for you until the end. please post an update later if you decide to talk to them or not, I'm curious to see how this goes
I lost a friend to cancer. He did tell me and we go read medical textbook stuff together a lot and also gaming a lot. Then he just disappeared without saying only mention things going down the hill. I was think it’s some chemo side effect but then his family text me back saying he’s gone.
It all too sudden and I still can’t cope with it these day. So pls tell them at least they have some time to prepare for the final moment. Pls don’t just disappear. It’s painful
Don't keep it a secret. You can wait until they finish their exams, so you don't feel guilty if they fail. But after that tell them. It's not going to be easy but keeping it a secret is much worse.
I lost my beloved grandfather to a stroke. But he survived the stroke itself and only died years later. I know I would had been devastated if I lost him that day out of the blue. But this way I could shared extra memories with him and I had the time to accept that he is going to die. (Half of his face were numb and he needed a wheelchair after the stroke).
Your friends going to be shocked or in denial at first, or even go through the full 5 stages of grief. But in the end they will be glad to make you happy in your final month and that they made amazing memories with you. And it's going to be easier for them to accept that you are no longer with them than learning it after you passed away.
I wish that you will enjoy your remaining time in this wonderful world and you will find peace in the afterlife no matter what is your faith.
I am a big proponent of handling tragedy with inappropriate comedy, so I’d probably handle it something like:
“Hey guys. Raise your hand if you’re gonna be alive in a few years…”
Then make a big show of starting to raise your hand then put it down.
Why don't you have a party/get together have a great night together but before they get too wasted. Have a prepared letter written to them that one of them reads out to the group while you leave the room. Or if you want to give them time to process it leave and go home, but explain that in the letter.
I'm so sorry you dying, really shit. I'm crying for a total stranger on reddit. Enjoy you time. I wish you a nice painless death, a good death.
I would want to know. If i were really close to you. I would also probably want to know if there was anything you wanted for us to do or if you’d rather be left in peace with your family.
It’s your choice though. I wouldn’t think it terribly selfish if you wanted them to just think of you the way they do now.
I Hope whatever time you have left is really nice and comfortable, if possible. I’m sorry you might be leaving us early.
Tell them when you’re ready. It’s your life, your choice. You don’t deserve to be treated differently and suffer through this, especially at a time like this. Only when you feel good about it. Talk it through with your family first.
I’ve lost college friends suddenly. I think for me, I would have wanted to know, simply so that I could tell them how much they mean to me, and create some special, intentional memories with them. Not being able to say goodbye to my friend was really, really hard. I also think there’s something to be said for having their support and levity as things get more tough.
With that said, I do understand not wanting anything to be different, and I think they’d probably understand too if you go that route.
Perhaps if you decide to tell them, asking specifically that they don’t treat you differently, that you want things to stay the same, and they don’t owe you pity or sympathy might help. Perhaps telling them it’s not their job to make you feel better or to feel sorry; their job is simply to be your friend. By “letting them off the hook” so to speak, it takes the pressure off of all of you to act a certain way, or say a certain thing, and gives you space to be what you’ve always been: amazing friends.
My condolences you were diagnosed with any terminal illness. The only advice I would give give you were it my place which it is not, is to live your life for you in the time you have left. I would not bother telling friends as they might shy away from you. In all truth, what could they say and how long can they say it? Enjoy the time with them, make no long term commitments and enjoy their company.
Wait till after graduation.
Seriously, I'm not even going to read the other comments.
Bro tell your Bros. I wish we knew we were going to lose friends along the way. Tell them you love them, tell them how you feel. Tell them. Tell them. Tell them
Savour every second, relish every moment.
Take the time to do as many of the things THEY want to do with you as well as what YOU want to do with them.
You said “hey guys… I know we thought we would be frnds forever.. too bad im dying”…
Your forever just happens to be different than what you originally thought” and that’s okay.
If they’re really your friends and if you value them like you it clearly seems I’d tell them.
If I was your friend and we had so many memories together I’d want to know if our time together was limited.
I don’t want to say you owe it to them to let them know your diagnosis; but I feel like you owe it to yourself.
No way this is a true post. College doesn't end in mid July and nobody that has an education types like this. Karma farming.
I hate to think it but it doesn't really match up. And if your that close to death people don't usually choose to continue an education that they will not need. Just sayin and my apologies if I am wrong
Karma farmer for sure
They could be from anywhere in the world. Colleges start and end at different times in different places.
I probably plan a nice trip/party and tell them after drinks and food. You can answer all of their questions once, make it clear you don't want them to be different around you. But what's really good is that you give them time to prepare. Grief is much easier when it is not unexpected. And I bet they will really appreciate your trust. That they are important in your life and you shared such news with them. You will also be able to find support. Make sure you all have opportunities to be in the moment and truly enjoy each others' company.
Ultimately it is up to you.
Yes, I 100% recommend going with an inappropriate joke. That'll be what they'll remember when they're grieving and, i know, at least for me, that sort of thing made losing people ever so slightly less painful.
You sound like a fun person. The world will be less without you in it.
I have a condition that was formerly terminal (HIV) but is now considered chronic. For years I’d have to weigh my decision on whether to tell someone about my diagnosis based on how I think they might act. I don’t mean to sound callous but I found myself in the role of comforter while a person would process their grief. TBTH, it became about them and ended up being a gauge for friendship.
It sounds like you’ve gotten loads of good advice and I wish you a peaceful process, whatever it looks like.
I know how easy it is for me to give you this type of advice cause I don’t have to walk in your shoes, but here’s what I think. I’ve lost quite a few people in my life and I love and miss them all, the difference is some of them left a mark in me. Some of them really changed my life with how they lived theirs or how they reacted in the face of their last moments in this world. What I’m saying is, make a difference in their life. Tell them what the situation is, plan to do something sprival with each and one of the people that made your trips around the sun special, something small will do, something they can go back to when they miss you… cause they will. Here is an example, my mom’s friend died when she was 60. She was diagnosed with cancer and she knew in advance that she only had a couple more years tops. She has been in my life since I can remember and one day, she invited my family (my parents my self and older brother) to her house and played some old video recordings of us (super 8 films) that she recorded when me and my brother were very young, probs me 3 and he 6 y/o. I was maybe 19 when she showed us and I didn’t know that she was diagnosed with cancer. I just really enjoyed that day and appreciated what she did showing us those recordings of us, as I had never seen myself at such a young age. It was very cool. Few months later my mom told us about her disease and few more moths after she passed away. Im 40 and that memory is still with me, I associate that joyful moment with her just like some other moments that both families spent together and I will treasure for ever. Also comfort them. I know it sounds weird but they will need it, and your strength at this time of adversity will be a lesson they will never forget too. It will help them through rough times and they will always thank you for that. I know it from personal experience. I hope this helps somehow.
If I was your buddy I'd want you to tell me so that I could tell you how much I love and care for you, and how much you mean to me, and then make the best out of what time you have left.
Had a family member with an x-month diagnosis. He had (4)x-month life after diagnosis. I've got those friends, and lost a few unexpectedly. After exams, when you're out for post exam beer, tell them the big news. It's going to suck on levels I can't fathom. But you love them, they love you, and sometimes love sucks.
That's what I'd probably do, but I'm not in your shoes. I have those people I love, and I'd want them to know, even though it's a massive burden to unload on those you love. Learning that my friends and loved ones want to share the load, that they value me, is something I've learned more about as I've aged. I'd think you're wanting to share with them because you know how much it sucks, how unfair it is, and you love them too much to not prepare them. OP, your diagnosis sucks. Sharing with your friends is going to suck. But you'll get to say goodbye, and so will they, and that's actually really beautiful. Painful and brutal and terrible as it is, it's still beautiful. Sorry for the wall of text and projecting my opinions on you, but good luck. And congrats on finding people you love.
As someone who's been in this sort of situation, tell them.
I know they're your friends and you probably see them a lot as it is, but there's so much more they could do if you just gave them the chance to do it. Right now your friends (and maybe extended family) are making choices assuming that they have years to spend with you. Give them the option to prioritize their time with you now so you all can make more memories. Pretend for a second that you were their favorite video game, one which they love spending time doing; if they knew that the game servers were being shut down soon they would work some extra space in the schedule to enjoy the game while they still can.
Secondly, it's hard to think about this, but your last few weeks/months are going to *suck* and there's not much that you can do about it. Except, you can prepare your friends. They'll want to be there for you, they'll want to uplift your spirits, they'll want to help support each other. All of that is hard for them to do without prep time. Give them time to come to terms with the coming loss, give them time to make plans to spend just a little more time with you, and give them the chance to gather around you and help you as much as they can. If you do this you will lessen the helplessness that they'll inevitably feel when you've had your 'last good day' and you can't hide it anymore.
Thirdly, if your friends are graduating soon they will presumably start moving away for jobs and so forth. Tell them now that way they can arrange a later work start, or plan a vacation time. The only thing worse than living far away when a close friend dies is if you just moved and you would've delay just a little bit if you had've known. Even worse, the friends who may have just moved would now be alone in a new city without anyone to support them and in unexpected death. Do not wait until after finals. Tell them soon.
In terms of how to do this I have 6 main tips:
1. You do not have to tell everyone yourself. Tell your closest friends and then ask them to spread the word. This is an easy way to help them feel more useful and needed and it'll make your life easier. Do make sure to ask them, not order it.
2. Pick a main contact(s). Whether it be a friend or family member, ask a small group to help you keep everyone up to date on your status, to help plan any big final events, and to tell people when the end is near and you may not want to see everyone. Give them power in your final weeks/days to turn away visitors. You may not have the energy to see them all and the only thing worse than not seeing someone you care about is to see too many people for too short a time. (this is another reason to tell people sooner rather than later, you'll be able to space people's visits out more).
3. Talk in person if possible. Hugs are important and they/you may need someone to cry on. It's not always possible, but I suggest it.
4. When you tell people, try to do so in groups who know each other well. If your 4 friends are tight knit then tell them together that way they can support each other immediately (I recommend 2-5 people at a time so it's intimate but they can comfort each other to place less stress on you). A good rule of thumb is think about who would be comfortable crying in front of whom and then gather them based on that.
5. To gather people up, ask them to set aside a couple hours to 'talk about some big news and then have some fun'. If people aren't making time for the date you choose, talk to them privately and ask them seriously but firmly to attend. Don't postpone the event if you can help it. When you're actually there in person, tell them that you have a big announcement and then tell them the big three: A. I'm dying and it's incurable (or that you have a very small chance), B. I have x weeks to live (I recommend adding in how many 'good days' you have left), and C. How much you love them. Later on you can tell them them about specific plans like a bucket list, or funeral plans, or other things. Keep in mind that they could have many different emotional reactions; some might weep, others get angry (at you or God or death itself), while others may just be numb.
6. Give them time to ask questions but don't feel like you have to give them hours of your time. I recommend having the option to play some games or have fun somehow that way you -after some question time- can say that 'you can ask more questions later, but let's have some fun now'. You can direct their questions to one of your main contacts from (2.) if you don't want to answer them.
I hope this helps you. As I said, I have a good deal of experience in this so if you want to reach out, DM me.
My best friend died not so long ago. Weve know for 4 years she had a terminal disease. She made it clear from the start that she didnt want no sad crap from anyone and wanted us to just enjoy her prescence like we always did.
And boy did we do that !
Crying is for when Im gone she said.
Im so happy today that we did enjoy every second spend with her. Lots of good memories where made till the very end.
Maybe we visited more often then we did if she wasnt sick. But at no point we cried when we were with her unless it was tears of joy.
Tell them. Just be clear you dont want none of their sad shit. Thats my advice
Tell them, and be clear that you want them to be the same, and think about anything that you would like to do on a bucket list. Ask them to do the bucket list with you, and make lasting memories. It will help them with their grief, and will help you fill your remaining days with joy, and not fear. Your friends will adapt and do what makes you feel better, and will be happy that they can do something for you.
I know you don't want them to treat you differently, but things are different, for not just you, but those that love and care for you too. You are all on a journey now, and you can all have a part in making the journey a good one.
I wish you well, I wish you peace, and I wish you all the best with your friends as they walk beside you until you complete your journey.
I'm probably gonna get downvoted to hell, but this smells fishy to me. Why is his spelling atrocious when he is in college (close to graduation?). I understand maybe OP is from a different country, which would excuse an odd choosing of words, but his grammar is all over the place. I hope I'm right and this is someone just trolling for points and not someone actually dying. Good luck to them if they aren't lying tho.
There history seems very normal, I would be all up scared about my condition if I were dying and on the subs which they are dedicated too, tho I’d be so guilty if he were actually dying and I were to think that so I’ll leave it at that..
May I ask, what illness do you have?
Throw a huge party and say goodbye to everyone then simply don’t tell anyone why. the next day post your medical stuff on social media and let them all know that everything you wanted said was done last night so no need to mourn will you’re still alive.
id be pissed if my best friends kept that kind of information with me
Remind me! One year
Kidding. Best of luck to you, OP!!
A nice diner, fun time, drinks and at the end tell the bad news, so it will not be all drama, and I assume you don't want to be treated differently, so ask that.
At the end it's your choice to tell or not, I hope the best comes from this (as best as it can be) and hope for you to be happy as possible so you can enjoy this moments.
Sorry to know this is happening to you.
I'm sorry, I hope things improve for you no matter what is going on. But, idk maybe try and think if you were in their shoes what would you want? To know beforehand or after? Take care buddy.
I’m sorry you’re facing this way too soon.
I’d encourage you to share with people it feels right to share such big information with.
A very close friend of mine chose to tell me she was battling cancer (there’s no way to keep that from being jarring information- but we people who care can handle it). And we people who care will not treat you with pity (or if we do you can say it’s not helpful). It gave me a chance to have an incredible visit with my friend (out of state) and share in her journey. We both got to be there for each other and say how much we meant to each other. I think I gained more than she did, being invited to walk alongside her with the knowledge it wouldn’t be for long enough. It opened my heart and I have no regrets, no unspoken appreciation.
I think you are a super good kind of courageous, reaching out here and wondering about the if’s or how’s of sharing this leg of your journey. I wish you peace along it.
I'm sorry man I really am but I thought about that and the that's so callous comments but I'm thinking college buddies?that issue is as serious as it gets and maybe the approach to ease this revelation is a bad joke. if I'm an ass I apologise
Just tell them if they want memories they need to do the things they have wanted to do and explain why opens the conversation
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through. Just tell them. Short, sweet, to the point.
If you want to tell them, tell them now before college ends and everyone is going their seperate way. Make some nice memorys before its to late for you and them.
I hope you can enyoy the time you have left.
why don't you tell them when you have a few months left to live, instead of now? then that way in the end they'd be able to say goodbye, but you can have more time with them just being how you always were.
Connect with a Hospice ASAP. The o oak worker and chaplain have resources. Thanatology is part of our job. Please let us help.
This is so morbid but....are you at peace w this or are you angry at this fate?
I don’t really know if I’d classify this question as morbid but Whatever. If they’re still in college they probably don’t know how to actually feel about the situation but hey I’m not OP so what do I know.
Why don't they know already?
100% your decision. If you decide to tell them, could you have them make a bucket list with you? To help you focus on making good memories while you can?
So sorry you’re in the situation. Wishing you lots of peace and love
You could try to make light of it? "You know who's coming to our camping trip next year? NOT THIS GUY!"... Sorry that night be in bad taste
Please tell them. My brother's best friend didn't tell him that he was terminal and he had to hear it from his widow after his friend had passed. Kinda fucked him up for a while. Don't think he ever recovered from it tbh.
And we do understand that it would have been the hardest thing for his friend to tell him, made his own death real for him etc.
But maaan, imagine if the shoe was on the other foot.....
I’d just tell them. “Hey, I’m not going to be around too much longer. Dr’s have told me some bad news…”
I'm sorry to hear. I'd say be upfront and honest
That's tough. Sucks that you have to deal with that and you're trying to manage your friends' feelings too. If you can handle being the person who is dying, your friends should be able to handle continuing to be your friend.
You might just be honest. Something like "I don't know how to say this so I'll just come right out and tell you: (insert friend name), i am dying. I have less than a year left and I should have told you sooner but I didn't know how. and I know it's gonna make things different but I want you to do your best to be the same with me anyways because your friendship is important to me"
I think you should tell them. If you can't bring yourself to do it verbally, maybe give them each a note or send an email.
I think you should tell them. It's entirely selfish desire though. I wouldn't want my last memory of a friend being me cancelling dinner plans because I'm tired or because I have to get up early. I would regret every moment I didn't spend with my friend. Again, though, this is selfish. It takes my desire for closure (as a friend) into account more than your need for privacy or to die without people giving you sad looks.
Some people don’t share their prognosis because they don’t want people to act differently around them.
Some share because they want their closest to know. So they can understand why you might be grouchy one day and have a greater level of understanding.
It’s all up to what you want.
One approach is you don’t tell all your friends at once. You tell your closest friend and confidante. Or the person who you think would take / handle the news in the best way. And then take it from there.
While this big and tragic news sometimes is best said in person (like any big announcement), another option to consider is texting them. It allows them time to process it and then react. In person they’re going to perhaps feel a bit on the spot and not react the best way.
I’m very sorry your life has been cut so short and wish you well.
Tell them in a fun way, like guys I'm dying boom I know it's sad but here's a bucket list of things we should do in our last month of college...let's rage!!
This is the best one so far.
I would throw a party with all my close friends. Watch some movies, eat good food, have some good laughs. Really hold those moments. When you're all together then just, let them know. Have it a sleep over so you guys can just be with each other all night.
Watch this Indian movie called Dasvidaniya. It is about a guy who has a few months to live and plans his last days on Earth meeting up old friends, doing things he always wanted to do etc
I am so sorry you are going through that.
If it was my friend, I would want to know. It would be so sad to find out a friend died, had a terminal illness, and just never shared it. I would want to be there for them, spend quality time, and available to talk/support if they want/need it.
And it might be nice for you to have the love and support of your friends through this too. I feel like the telling could be awkward, but... real friends won't let that get in the way of your friendship.
Suddenly all my problems seem so little now. You hang on, my brother from different mother. I will pray to all Hindu gods for you.
Maybe don’t tell them. They will treat you like you are dying. Are you sure you want to be pitied like that?
I’m sorry to hear this news.
If it was me, I'd hold a blow out funeral before I pass.
Make a party. Get a bounce house. Hire some random Dads to work a grill. All the good stuff a backyard bbq needs.
Then bucket list that shit.
I'm sorry you're going through this! I don't know what else to fast except to be strong... Much love ❤️❤️
Good luck with your friends! They'll understand no matter what you decide to do :)
Have a Bon Voyage party and tell them you got a job in China/Katmandu/remote place and won’t be back for years and it’s the last time to see each other for a long time. Our friend had a congenital disease and we didn’t know it until he died. I wish I could have said goodbye. I also respect his need to have his final days with those closest to him. It’s your choice. Do what feels right. Much love.
I'm sorry to hear. But you should tell your friends before it's too late. It gives them time to process their grief, and it will give them the opportunity to spend more time with you, to create long lasting memories.
I wish I could give a person like you who wants to live my life.
I'd advise you to tell them, they will most definitely would like to know, make the best of the time with you and let you know how much they love you.
If you still plan on doing all those things and know how much you mean for them, it's alright not to tell them, it's your life and choices, but definitely write a letter explaining, try to point out moments you had together that were significant for you, something for them to remember you and get closure.
Let them know they were the family you chose, not the one you got.
If finances allow I’d plan a huge kickass weekend to make a bunch of awesome memories for them to have of you after you are gone. Tell them while drunk sometime on the last day. Oh and make them all get a one word tattoo on their backs so when they line up it says “OP’s name” was the best friend ever.. or something similar depending on how many words you need for how many friends.
Let them celebrate your life WITH you while you are still around… the news is gonna devastate them either way so at least make it part of a great memory.
Honestly you could not tell them all the way up to the end. You could write each of them a heartfelt letter on how you didnt want to be treated differently if you told them and all of the gooey friendship stuff you would've wanted them to know. You could have those sent out after your death, however cliche that sounds, but it works in the movies :)
Sucks to hear about your situation OP. But at least it seems like you have some good friends and family who will be there up till the end.
Damn bro, this is heart wrenching to see a young man in your position. I’m sure your friends would want to know but I understand your not wanting to tell them.
Dude this is terrible news I’m so sorry you have to be in this position. Just let them know about the situation, however hard it may be. I think you should tell them instead of just waiting for them to find out you died later because they deserve to know and be able to come to terms with the news and make final amends with you. Again I’m so sorry for your terminal illness.
Host a party. Name it as The Last One. That will make your friends curious. Then through a projector present a power point deck on your condition. Make sure to do it at the end of the party, else your friends won’t enjoy the party. My brother did it last year, he was 23 and died of pancreatic cancer. People give out birthday parties, I think my brother is the only one who gave a death day party.
I’m not a doctor, but doctors tell people all the time that they have a year to live and they end up living much longer. I wouldn’t tell your friends that you’re expiring, I’d tell them that you have been diagnosed with an illness and that it doesn’t sound great. That you don’t want them to sit around and worry but don’t want them to be too shocked if something bad happens
Lots of good advice already posted, so I just wanted to say I'm sorry for that news and I am praying for you 💜
Bro, maybe you should invite them to eat or do something that you like and at the end you tell them.
That they know and can give you joy before you leave is the best farewell and you will certainly be immortal in their memories of you.
I whish you luck and good vibes. 🤟
Have you been in touch with Hospice care or the equivalent of you're not in the US?
I think they should know so you can make the last of your time on this earth the best
I didn't read any of these replies but if it was me I would HATE the special treatment so I wouldn't tell them until I was so sick I couldn't hang out. The last thing I'd want is sympathic looks, pandering, etc. Regardless of how good of friends we have that is inevitable.
I would recommend walking into a few of your local churches and having a conversation with the Pastors. Some of them may have plenty of experience dealing with others in your exact scenario.
I am praying that you are free from suffering, my friend.
Idk but you should try mushrooms and DMT before you go.
Do whatever is easiest to do. If the only way you can stand to do it is a facebook post then make a facebook post. Just don't put this off any longer--assuming you care about the people you will be sharing with. Give people a chance to say bye and what not.
I’ve read this post 3 times. This person doesn’t like to use all the letters in a word.
go back, read it a 4th time, and then google what terminal illness means. Yes he is dying. if this post was about dieting it would make zero sense.
If your friends are cats you won't have to tell them, because they don't care :)
Yeah teach em a lesson in college your way.
At one time there prolly occurs a situation like that to em anyway.
Teach em NOW..when it's THE time i mean by that
hey Bob how ya doing? hey knock knock...
I'm so sorry for your situation. I lost one of my best friends last year, I knew she was ill but she didn't tell anyone other than family that it was a terminal diagnosis until she had about a month to live. I now have lots of regrets that I didn't make more time to go see her because I assumed I'd have more time. I know it's difficult but please don't keep your friends in the dark, let them make memories with you
I would not because people will change how they act but its your decision
I think you need to tell them, that way you all have time to go off together and make some of the best memories before you’re gone, memories they will get to keep for (hopefully) a long time.
If you just disappear one day that opportunity will have been lost.
That's.. That's awful, I'm so sorry.
I think you should just.. Tell them. Inform them solemnly of your diagnosis, so they can spend time with you, while you're still here.
I know it's easier said than done, but there's no right or wrong way to go about it. You should.. Just, well. Tell them.
I had a friend die in college. I’m so so glad I was able to say goodbye to her before she passed.
I know that this is ultimately your journey to make and your decision, but I have gone through what your friends are going through. I had a person that I loved die from an illness and it was so, so important for my mourning process that I got to say goodbye. I am HAPPY that I got to say that I love them before they passed. And I know so many that regret that they didn't know and didn't get to do that.
I understand your worries of being treated differently or pitied. Can't you be frank with your friends and tell them to not do that to you? Or maybe, if you decide to not tell them, you could just call or meet them and spend time with them and tell them how much they mean to you. That way you wouldn't have to tell them but they won't have regrets of not seeing you more or something. And if they start to think that something is wrong, it might be easier for you to just answer the question and not come up with a way to start the conversation yourself.
Just some thoughts. Best of luck! Hope you'll be able make many more happy memories with the time you have left!
If I was in your situation, I would talk to them in an environment that's comfortable for everybody. Talk to them all at once. Bad news is bad no matter what, but it's better to rip that bandaid off really fast instead of really slowly.
As for whether or not you should tell them, it's really up to you. Personally I would as the memories these people will form with you over the coming months/year will be way more valuable than if you don't.
Why not man, just do it. Sure it will be a bummer and extra stress on the last semester but please don't wait until the last day. After college is often the last time you might get to see some friends and they might regret it so much if they wouldn't be able to see you again after knowing this.
Plan some things while you are healthy enough to move man, go for it ❤️. Is the last year of your life in this wonderful Earth, enjoy it with your friends.
Just be like “bruh…”
Sorry to hear about that man I hope you enjoy the rest of your life. I’ve known a few people who have died in a semi similar fashion and I’m not scared or worried about dying or anything but it definitely still hurts to not see someone again. If I was in your friend’s position then yeah I’d like to know in any fashion really. Maybe talk to them separately or in a close group, couple a beers to ease the tension maybe. I just know that I’d want to at least get a chance to say goodbye in a positive setting or get a chance to say goodbye at all.
What my very dear friend did was ask me to get us all to go to her house together. It sounds simple but we had been split for years and neither half of the group was on speaking terms with the other. Alas, she chose the right person I guess.
And then she told us. And she said that she wanted to enjoy herself, as much as her health allowed, while that was still a possibility. She said that she understood that we'd need to discuss things without her as well, so we should have two different chat groups - one with her and one without her. That she just wanted to be loved. She actually named the group 'love me'. And that's exactly what happened.
There's a chance that telling them is hard partly because it makes it more real. The person that you are with them and because of them is also going to die sooner than expected. Let them in. Let them be with you on this one as well.
Do write them letters / record a video for each of them if you feel like it. I'd treasure those if I had them, but I guess I wasn't thinking this far ahead, so I didn't ask her for either.
Please tell them. It'll be rough at first but they'll make it overall better.
I miss her so, so very much. Every single day.
Ultimately it comes down to personal choice, but I will say if one of my friends was dying I'd like to know if they are comfortable letting me know. Even though it doesn't lessen the grieving being prepared for that type of outcome does help the mind. I'm really sorry you're in this situation.
Bet all the money I have that you’ll still be where 24 months from now.....don’t bet against yourself
Put yourself in their shoes
Would you want to know if one of your best mates was dying?
And another thing
What do you have to lose? You are dying after all
Don't be afraid of anything
If you decide not to tell them yet, I would definitely write them each a letter for after. If it was a friend of mine and I only found out after they passed, I feel like I would be upset. Understanding but upset, wondering why they felt like they couldn't tell me. Is wonder if they really saw me as a friend, or valued me as much as I did them. Like why wouldn't you tell me? If be upset that I couldn't support them as much as I'd want to, and guilty that they couldn't lean on me for support and comfort. If you don't tell them in person (which is what I would recommend but it's totally up to you), I think you should do what someone else mentioned and leave them a letter to give them closure. A meaningful, personalized letter.
i definitely don’t think you should keep it a secret. i mean i can’t say i have been in this position but i think if i were friends with someone in your position i would feel pretty heartbroken if they didn’t tell me. not that i wouldn’t feel heartbroken either way but it would be way worse if i didn’t know. point is i think your friends should be given the chance to emotionally prepare and get to enjoy however much time they have left with you. if i were in your position i would tell them separately. make sure they know that there is no particular order that you told them in and make sure they know to give you the chance to tell the others. it won’t look good if they hear from someone else. but i also think it would be very stressful if you got them all in a room together and just dropped it on them. plus depending on who they are they might find it more difficult to express themselves in front of the entire group so it would likely be more stressful on them as well.
i wanted to add but the original post was already a little long. in other comment threads you expressed how you were worried they would treat you differently. of course they will treat you differently. they will want to spend extra time with you. want to do things that you are interested in instead of what they are interested in. that is normal and good, it shows they care. i get your concern but i think you should be a little bit selfish here and accept the spoiling. and a little bit selfless by letting them spoil you even if you don’t want it. you can make sure to tell them that you don’t want anything to change. make it clear that it would not make you any happier for them to spoil you. but in the end you won’t be able to control their actions. nonetheless i think the right thing to do is tell them. it would be really hard on them if you didn’t.
Here's a terrible idea. Rent out a large party space with lots of alcohol and invite all of your friends in family. Have them give you a comedy central style roast were they say the most brutal things about you. Tell them you're termanilly I'll and walk out a legend.
Throw yourself a going away party. Create a slide show with every picture you have with them. Make a speech and thank them for all the amazing memories and that you will be looking out for them from above. Thank them for impacting your life in such a way that this was so difficult for you to tell them. And then get white girl wasted
I'm so sorry. I wish you a peaceful exit out of this life and into the next ❤
Since I don’t know the context of your mindset but I cannot recommend to do something particular. I just can tell one moment on a film (don’t remember what the film is) and my take away from it.
So the guy is dying in the coming year or months. He has a wife and children. He doesn’t want to tell anyone because he thinks they will be sad and he doesn’t want to make them sad. He wants to make enough money for them to live in middle class life. But one day his friend knows about it. And he tells him “don’t take from them the chance to enjoy farewell moments”. The phrase impressed me.
Of course they will be sad. But they also will have a chance to enjoy the moments with you as much as you enjoy it.
Anyway, if this is not seems right to you don’t care about this comment. Stay strong!
This is probably one of the worst things to see here. Im sorry that you are in a conundrum. I can definitely see why both sides of telling and of not telling would be a good idea. But if I were your friend, id like to know. Because yes, how I treat you might change inevitably but thats not really what matters is it?. Its the time that I couldhve spent better with you, the words, exchanges that come after that really count. No one wants to live with regrets. Also you can specify when you do that you dont want how they treat you to change. Might be pointless but atleast with them knowing they can and might adjust accordingly, the worse would be theyd want more of your time as often but isnt that a good thing?
As horrid as it sounds you are going to go whether you've told them or not so it's not something that can be kept secret even though I can understand the not wanting to upset them as well.
You know them well. Be honest with them in a way that you are comfortable with and then give them a wee bit of time to process it.
First off, I'm so sorry this is happening. I'm sure it's a lot to digest, and perhaps keeping it to yourself lets you process things better.
It may be prudent to write them out something that explains why you didn't tell them when you were around and then have someone you trust who knows your situation deliver it after you're gone? I'm sure they'll have many questions and it may bring both you and your friends peace to know that when your gone you'll be able to give answers and that they'll have them, while still keeping things status quo and the dynamic doesn't change for the rest of the time you have left with them?
I am so so sorry to hear this. I truly cannot imagine how you must be feeling or what you are going through.
As someone who has lost a dear friend unexpectedly, I would have cherished a warning. I think both for you and for them, having time with each other while understanding just how important and precious it is, will be invaluable and I hope comforting.
As for how to say it. I dont know if there is a right way too. I think whatever is on your heart when you do tell them, is the right way.
Prayers for you, my heart goes out to you and your loved ones.
this is a very hard thing to talk about and moreso to go through.
I know this has come up previously (couple years ago).
The general idea is that you are doing your friends a disservice by not telling them.
You should understand that they are going to be extremely hurt if you die and they did not know.
That being said... I suggest you plan a sit down with them. just the ones that are close for now. Explain that you have things you need to say and want to get it all out BEFORE they respond.
Ask if they will allow this. Once they agree. keep it short.
You are dying.
There is nothing that can be done.
You are not telling them to get their medical advice, but because they are the people YOU care about and want to spend time with before the end.
You will explain all the medical stuff at a later date, but it is mostly not relevant now.
You want to spend time doing what you have always done. have fun, enjoy each others company and make memories.
Let them know that you understand if they are unable to handle the situation and will not hold it against them if they are going to need time.
Ask that they do not dwell on the looming problems today.
And lastly ask that they do not pity you. you want their friendship, not their tears.
Tell them you will give them a bit of time to process it and when they are ready to continue being friends, you will be waiting outside with the beer (wine/water/whatever).
Ask that they do not
If I was in your place I would make a letter for them in the future
" sorry guys I had this bs and now I am probably dead didn't want you guys to worry about me but since you guys are reading this thanks for the friendship good and bad moments I hope you are all good maybe some day we can be close again"
Personally I had a close friend how died last yo cancer.
Me - bro u OK? Looking a bit to low on life in the last weak"
Him - oh about that I have something and it isn't looking good I am starting quimo.
Me- say no more anything u need just ask.
(already lost like 5 or 6 friends to cancer and terminal illness)
the lesson I took was make good memories whit them before quimo after that is prety hard to left a happy memory
I am so sorry. I wish there were words I can say or anything really but just enjoy every last second you can 💛
So I think the answer is what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them, until it does. They can go through the grieving process with you or you can go it alone and they can grieve alone when you’re gone. I really think it’s your preference. It’s your life, do what will make your heart feel best. So sorry to hear this and know that my partner was given a year to live 18 months ago and still doing great.
I wish I could give you my life. At least then, someone would appreciate it.
Tell them all, quickly. Then throw a huge party so everyone remembers you before you become too sick. Take time with everyone, reminisce on your good times, tell them how you feel. If there are any lose ends you wish to mend, apologize and so on, do it well after. You’re on borrowed time unfortunately, and the doctors can say x time, maybe shorter or longer. Either way, I wish you the very best, and a peaceful, comfortable rest of your time with us.
A video, make a video for each of the ones you care about. You don’t have to do it for every person but let’s say groups, close friends, family, girlfriend, etc. My wife and I just talked about this. I wish my dad, would have left something for me to be able to hear his voice, watch his facial expressions and know what he wanted to say but wasn’t able to say in person. I’m sure it’s difficult to place yourself in the moment but it would mean everything to the people you care about.
That’s an incredibly hard decision and I’m so sorry you have to make it. If it was me, I’d want to know. Your friends care about you and your “sudden” death will be devastating to them but at least they’ll be better able to cope with the pain if they know in advance and can spend more time with you
I think u should tell them. I’m sorry I don’t have much more to add! I don’t fully know ur situation, and I don’t want to push u to do something ur uncomfortable with. I think asking ur family for help might be helpful.
While I don’t suffer from a terminal illness, neither does my mom, but we both are pretty ill. I always like to end the day on a positive note with her. Maybe finding something fun to say or do together before y’all go to bed might be a nice way to keep things positive! I hope I could help a little bit! I’m incredibly sorry that you have to go through this. Being able to be so considerate of ur friends while being so ill is really incredible. I wish you the best in everything.
If we were friends, I’d want to know ASAP. Hiding this from them is a true disservice to an actual friendship. Yes, it’s awkward. But it’s far less awkward than dying and having all your friends wonder why you wouldn’t tell them of your situation. I’d be mortified if my best friend didn’t tell me they were terminal.
Do not not tell them. Knowing and being able to say goodbye will be more important. Some of them might find it to be too much, but give them the chance.
I wouldn’t say anything, just let them enjoy the good times without that thought weighing them down, until it’s getting close to the end, then I’d be like, so who wants the elite controller?
If you're conflicted maybe letting them lead the conversation will help. You can send them a picture of your latest medical record showing that you're in fact dying in a big group chat, or just have it printed out and give it to them. "I don't really know what to say or do, but I wanted you all to know" they will then lead the conversation with questions and condolences
Maybe you could tell them you have a terminal illness but not tell them your actual life expectancy. Give yourself a more generous time range, without actually ruling out the possibility of an earlier decline. If they think you could be around for a few more years they might not feel so uncomfortable or distressed around you, while still being able to come to terms with the idea of losing you one day. Then, when (if) your health does begin to decline sooner than they were expecting, it won't come as a complete shock to them - they might cope with it better emotionally and be able to share that final journey with you.