T O P
_fiveMoreMinutes

*If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back.* *I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.*


[deleted]

If you order gabagool, don’t even.


Princess_Little

I was watching the sopranos and one of them said gabagool. I realized Micheal had ordered capacolla.


AtariDump

No, he ordered gabbagool.


Itchy_Ad_3659

Gabbagool. When you hear anyone say Gabbagool you must repeat Gabbagool.


tillie4meee

https://theprouditalian.com/what-is-gabagool-or-is-it-capicola-no-wait-its-coppa/


Full-Grand84

MICHEAL GIVE MONEY FOR GAS


DemonBarrister

Cargas


my_n3w_account

Capocollo* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capocollo


bonerswamp

If you don’t have the makings of a varsity athlete, don’t even.


inwhichzeegoesinsane

> gabagool Thanks for reminding me, time for my biannual rewatch of Jon Stewart's pizza rant


Pitiful-Sherbert-429

And that right there is the main reason why we don’t call it mukduk


Icy-Enthusiasm-2719

Bet his inbox is bursting 😂


Dr_Skeleton

I love feminism - but no fat chicks.


Crown_1800

I thought him loving feminism meant "I like Women who will peg me."


pearlsbeforedogs

Yeah, the feminism tag had me cracking up after that whole mess. "I refuse to date a woman who has had sex with 10 guys or more, and it will be on the test... go feminism!" Like WHAT??


onegirlriot_

Oh, is that what body count means... Maybe all those years of me being obsessed with true crime did something to me because I just thought, well thats reasonable, I don't want to date a serial killer either.


Humble_Passenger_781

Killed 0-8 people? That's cool, but 9 to 10 is pushing it. Can't handle 11+ dead bodies though.


Delicious_Throat_377

So you thought he would be okay to date someone who has just killed a single person? Haha


pearlsbeforedogs

I mean, once could be an accident, 2 maybe a coincidence, but 3+ is a pattern and more than 10 is "busy."


scarcityflow

If the salad is on top, I will send it back


BentPin

If you don't open my bags of peanuts and place it on a plate I will order the entire plane back.


abrakabumabra

r/unexpectedoffice


yourfriend_al

If you don't take your vitamins every morning don't even


themonsterinquestion

If you chose squirtle don't even


yourfriend_al

I guess I won't even


BoxOfAssortedDicks

r/bulbasaurmasterrace


ar3s3ru

don’t even


himmelundhoelle

I told my brother I wanted Charmander and he selected Squirtle... now I have a lvl 120 Feraligatr and I love him.


Real-Test-2809

If you’re late af like me, don’t even


WarSpaceMarine

If you read this, don't even.


Binkybunz

Respectfully, I read this. Don't even.


zainned

Respectfully, who should even?


Generous_Hustler

Nobody! He said “feminist” at the bottom. What the actual f*k lol 😂


Helpdeskagent

Won’t even


Revan__Chist

Fuck, I really liked your name


_fiveMoreMinutes

If you like names, don’t even


Revan__Chist

Fuck, if I only waited a little longer


_fiveMoreMinutes

If you wait long, don’t even. If the salad is on top, I send it back.


dystopian_mermaid

If the salad is on top, believe it or not, straight to jail.


Revan__Chist

We have the best patients… because of jail


BeatYoYeet

If you have the best patients, don’t even.


lavocado95

I love this whole stupid thread


_fiveMoreMinutes

I’m glad someone said it, this turned out to be a masterpiece


Available-Werewolf-5

If you love this whole stupid thread, don't even.


Slit23

If you love this stupid thread, don’t even.


itsScrubLord

If you've been to jail, don't even


Revan__Chist

Can you guys stop boxing me in? I just wanna even, please. I haven't seen my even in two days, I just wanna make sure it's okay and alive


SnooCalculations3774

If your guys can't box me in, Don't even.


pigwalk5150

If you toss salad while in jail, don’t even


Ijoinedtolaugh

So if they toss it outside of jail... is it safe to say they can even?


advant525

Even in jail the salads are tossed...


Wydee98

GABAGHOUL


agni1994

Something about this. Feels ODD.


Remarkable_Ad8637

Yeah. ODD. Not EVEN. If you hate my pun. Don’t even. 🧐🎃


ComeSwayWithMe

So if you don't want me to even, then can i at least odd??? Asking for a friend


Chayce0818

Askinh for a friend don't even, add, or subtract to make it odd


[deleted]

They're a feminist, but only for the skinny virgin girls edit: a word, bc my phone didn't pick up the entirety of the original comment


thenewThisbe

Their only feminist beliefs are “going Dutch” and “women should work”


hazelnox

And that he can KO a woman who slaps him bc equal rights equal lefts 🤷‍♀️


hamslegsskirtskirt

If your rights arent even with your lefts dont even


Whateveridontkare

dont forget women should be able to show their tits on the street


fakeuser515357

'Against it' is a form of interest.


slip63

What? But he's a feminist!! /s


Crow9x9

Bro added the “feminism” in his bio😂


jedispiek

Don’t even


TheWiseRedditor

*women exist* This guy: don’t even


fakeaccountndump

Anything outside of his right hand.... don't even 🤣


donttextspeaktome

Why you gotta be bashing on the left?


NuggetTheWifiWarrior

I'm sure he bashes on the left too dw


Chayce0818

DEW* Don't Even Worry


WishGullible5142

He wants a strong and independent woman that moves like a traditional one.


4x49ers

And heavy metal... What's his pool, like three young rich submissive trad wives down with Slayer on the planet?


Michaelcycle13

I mean technically all that he’s screening for falls into the idea of a independent and powerful woman. Asides the single mother thing, which could just be a dating preference.


exmuslim_somali_RNBN

Im a single female and I refuse to date anyone with children. It's my preference 😊


wegwerf9876669420

There's a good reason I don't have kids, so it's also a hard no from me


Math-Soft

Ummm. How does having too many followers on Instagram or how many sex partners you e had have anything to do with independence and power?


Ok_Lengthiness_8163

How do guys get 100k ig followers?


914wzNationalTragedy

The same way women do.. by fuckin lots of dudes


xNotwiththatguyx

🏆🎖🏅🥇 I actually laughed out loud. Sorry I'm reddit poor.


Capable-Dig-8709

If you're reddit poor, don't even.


if1gure

Sounded like he was scoping out the flakey influencers pretty nicely. I wouldn’t want to date one either.


Womcataclysm

Feminism doesn't mean you have to be independent. It's about letting women choose what they want to be. Uplifting independent women but also every other woman


kg19311

He could have said all this tactfully and respectfully, but he didn’t. So he’s a jackass but could have decided not to clearly broadcast it, so he’s a a genuine jackass.


tangooceangolf

Don't even... what?! The suspense is killing me!


killamcleods

If you don’t know the meaning, don’t even


[deleted]

[удалено]


BertMacGyver

How does one "even"?


_fiveMoreMinutes

“don’t even. I’m a waste of time”


SkyPopRise

Seriously!!


Darklightjg1

"Don't even think about swiping left before you talk to me"


W3ttyFap

“How’s it going?” “How’s what going where?”


SunflowerFreckles

Don't even hesitate


EugeneCezanne

Interests: "Feminism"


ocen2

Feminism. Don’t even


IIIDVIII

Don't femineven.


jason544770

Lol and "meditation". I kinda assume most people that meditate also do alot of self reflection, not this ass-hat.


hazelnox

I think he meant “females” but isn’t very smart and assumed they were the same thing


Suspicious-Cat6008

It’s the “starting my own business” for me, immediately followed by the 100k requirement. 🤣 bruh


cringes-orange

Code for he’s currently broke and earning less than 100k.


hmad41

I was sent with the 'feminism' interest


Suspicious-Cat6008

That was certainly a winner


dystopian_mermaid

After the “body count” comment that’s what sent me too. What a clown.


dowker1

I dunno man, once a woman has murdered more than 9 people, something in her changes


Hairy-Owl-5567

I promised myself I'd stop at 5, but I don't know, there's something special about this guy.


[deleted]

[удалено]


KoreTen

With a profile like that I’m not sure he’s convinced 10 women to sleep with him lol


Affectionate-Dark172

I would say it's the other way around. His "body count" is low as shit, one of the reasons why he's so insecure.


[deleted]

[удалено]


chuk2015

Respectfully


Stock-Explanation635

Gotta have someone to support his dreams!


obsessedwithink45

If starting your own business, wouldn't 100k followers help? Draw attention to your new business?


porilo

By "starting my own business" he probably means he is unemployed and bought an overpriced crypto mining rig with borrowed money and he expect the $$$ to start coming. Any time now.


Thrwaway5476

I am glad he has feminism as an interest.


threekilljess

I know! I was starting to think he may actually be a jerk or something!


TruSiris

So then... Odd?


xMrShadow

Not eeeeeeeeeeeven


ami2weird4u

"Want to swipe right on me? Don't even."


Repulsive_Basis_4946

Female? Don’t even


ami2weird4u

Male? Don’t even.


ojesant

Non-binary? Don’t even.


Left_Particular_8004

Mammal? Don’t even.


veryanxiousgal

Breathing? Don’t even


Tensionator

One celled organism? Don't even.


KarmaViking

Baryonic matter? Don’t even.


SufferingFromLigma

Non-newtonian fluid? Don't even


acz24

So, basically, nothing, don't even?? 😆


Jonnyogood

Haha, I just realized that as a married man, I meet all of his requirements.


serenwipiti

This is like the christian bus lady who kept saying NEXT


ScallywagLXX

The: “interests: feminism”. Got me😂😂


Idonataur

I can't get behind the strategy of writing what kinds of people you don't want to match with in your bio. To me, it always comes off as toxic, no matter what kind of people you specify. Anything negative in a bio just instinctively makes me less interested in the person. Why use up space that is designed for you to describe yourself by instead talking about what you hate? You can always unmatch if you don't like someone.


aoi4eg

"if you're older than 35" threw me off. This dude doesn't know how tinder works? Just set your age limit below 35 if that's a dealbraker for you.


hmad41

So true!


themonsterinquestion

"Looking for a fit woman with a career, not so into social media, who I can cook with." Idk about the body count thing, no way to make that requirement not sound icky.


Miserable-Gas-6007

If you’re able to write his bio better than he is…wait for it… Don’t even 😉


BackupChallenger

"I would like someone with less sexual experience, because I suck at the sex and I would feel bad if you had other references to compare my disappointing performance with."


captainspacetraveler

Never thought about it this way but that actually makes a lot of sense


LobsterOk420

Definitely, but even more so if it's physical stuff. You get to choose who you match with. Saying "no fatties" is just letting everyone know you're an asshole.


Idonataur

Absolutely right.


throwaway4981092

I would purposely match them just to message, “don’t even what?”


Superb_Dog6358

Classic feminist 🙄


dystopian_mermaid

Don’t even.


Binkybunz

Respectfully, of course. 🤔


Careless_Stuff_8282

It’s the feminism as a hobby for me


SirLeeford

It’s an interest. Maybe his interest in feminism is destroying it?


[deleted]

Don't even do what?


Think-Beach3770

Don't.


[deleted]

[удалено]


smb_samba

Honestly this profile feels like satire basically mimicking some women’s profiles


cameronpruitt

Younger than mid-thirties and make $100k??? Ha! What kind of crack smoking planet does THIS Jackwagon live on!?


Formerphoenician1960

He's looking for a professional sex worker...


John_cCmndhd

Gotta be expensive for her to make $100,000/year with <10 customers ever...


No_Philosophy69

Awww he’s a feminist 🥹


fezken07

Well, he knows what he want atleast, i'll give him that


jamesbest7

I’m not sure he does! He definitely knows what he *doesn’t* want, though!


Prettymuchsometimes

Sounds like he wants to be single


lynch_95_

I can’t even right now


Jenbrina

Don't even.


Mikukat

Am I the only one who saw "body count" and immediately assumed they were referring to people they've killed? 😅


BIMFgang

Dare you enter MY domain!?!? 😤


Twiskey

If you pour milk in first then cereal, don't even


wild-whorses

I’m with him on the eyelashes part. No caterpillar eyelashes either.


showsterblob

Why list a visual deal-breaker in your bio? If you see something you’re not attracted to, just… don’t even (swipe).


wild-whorses

I don’t list those things in my profile. Just agreeing with his point of view.


killamcleods

Don’t even


s0c1a7w0rk3r

Nah it’s “dont even” because apostrophes are hard


DataExisting5117

He wants a partner that makes less than $100,000 and less than 36, talk about limiting your eligible pool of dates. Something like 11% of all employed women in the US make over $100,000 annually. Good luck! I bet the number under 36 is far less than 11%.


Thrwaway5476

No, must make more than 100k but have less than 100k insta followers.


[deleted]

This is the male equivalent of what it’s like for us men on tinder looking at women’s profiles.


jdm8033

Exactly


Schlag96

Bingo 🎯


todoke

Cue the "who hurt you" "nice guy" "incle" insults


LobsterOk420

I pronounced "incle" like "uncle" in my head


kenziemissiles

I literally can’t even.


VoiceSuccessful4089

I’m guessing he hasn’t gotten a match yet


fire2374

6 inches and 3 what?


Breklin76

Body count? I mean…kinda weird he’s into murders but not mass murders. So picky.


skepticallytruthful

Quite "odd"


DoIKnowYouHuman

Bah!!!! r/dadjokes


Interesting-Age-2488

Heavy metal mediation sounds like a good time.


Jeorgias_Peach

Damn. Heavy metal lovers are usually a vibe.... Listen to Slipknot? Don't even. Fuck with Korn? Don't even. Ever heard of Disturbed? Don't even. And feminism? Does he know what that word means??😂😂😂


PopularStaff7146

But he said respectfully! /s


DennisGK

Plot twist: he’s 3’6” tall, but turned it around to 6”3’ and dropped the apostrophe.


Sad-Tax6230

Hold up my natural eyelashes touch my eyebrows if I curl them or put on any mascara what is this guy on?? Like it’s all red flags but?????? What’s wrong with long eyelashes?


Jeorgias_Peach

Don't even.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Lanky-Rip7902

Its not his fault that he is an alpha 🤣🤣


0okearo0

If you’re a human - don’t even If you’re an alien goddess from Neptune - pls mommy


StephMess18

Meanwhile, he’s swiping right on every single woman to increase his matches. Then saying “don’t even” as his opening line.


rhee1010

If you breathe, don't even 🙄✋


SilentCitadel

Oh darn I don’t qualify


candyapplesauce_99

The feminism tag is the cherry on top lmao How are you a feminist with such ideals?


thinking_Aboot

Sounds he's looking for a young, fit, successful girl with no children. The delivery is bad but seems like a fairly common set of requirements, doesn't it? I'm guessing many girls would want the exact same things in a match. Of course, for those who enjoy spending time with old, fat, broke single parents, that's just fine too. No judgements.


jdm8033

This isn't any different than when a woman wants a guy over 6', over 6inches, $100k and own his home with a nice car, funny, caring and communicates well.


Math-Soft

Yeah and those profiles are dumb af too.


isthisregrettable

Those women are constantly dragged on this subreddit. And what immediately turns me off from this man is “no over 35s”. Not because it’s a bad standard, but because that’s identifiable by profile beforehand. Just makes him a dick to list all this shit out.


telking777

You make a strong point that I have to agree with


jdm8033

And I forgot he has to be good looking and with 6 pack abs.


justShrugItOff

Dude leads by his height. He feels that entitles him to the rest.