What's the deal here?
By - ChrisMMatthews
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Damn my mans being thirsty in the morning
He's drinking for two. For the Lord is within him
Jesus crust thirsty as fuck
That's what the communion bread is called: "Jesus Crust".
And then you brush your teeth with Jesus Crest
Four out of five apostles recommend Jesus Crest for thier parishioners.
He can’t cheat if he’s always peeing.
I laughed so hard YOU GOTTA A POINT
But if golden shower its your thang…
he's so well hydrated that it's not golden which aint even worth it
It's just a fuckin shower
Perfect temperature though...
Always, be, peeing
U gotta have your beverages locked and loaded. At any given time I might be drinking a water for hydration, coffee for caffeine, iced tea for tasty, and wine/beer for boozy.
Each beverage serves a specific purpose and without my four beverages, I am incomplete. It’s definitely not weird and I definitely don’t pee 15 times a day. So just let it go, MOM.
My mom used to (still does) give me shit for this same thing. 😂
I legitimately do this as well. Sometimes I'll sit down with all my various liquids and announce it... "LOOK AT ALL MY BEVERAGES!" like it's some kind of glorious collection.
Because it is.
I DO THIS! I just get a roll of the eyes by whomever I’m with 😁
I do also spend a lot of time peeing though
He’s obviously an alcoholic so wakes every morning mad thirsty
Yeah it’s a LOT of beverages
When u first wake up is one of the most important times to hydrate yourself.
in my experience every single "most important time in the day to do X" is bullshit pseudoscience
Dammn they have a Breville BOV800XL toaster oven, that is one serious piece of toasting appliance right there.
I heard you’re in the business of getting a toaster oven
Who's your toaster guy?
You’re paying way too much for toasters...
Best toaster I ever owned <3
Now I have TWO toasters
Only one more to go.
As an owner of a Breville BOV800XL or similar model toaster oven (not pretentious just the country I live in doesn't include ovens in their kitchens) they actually kinda suck for toasting. Great for ovening though.
Toaster ovens are not for toast.
They are for reheating pizza.
They're for making 3 bagel's at once my man. I went from toasting 1 at a time to 3 and I'll never be the same.
But I really like my bagels in the morning
3 bagels is too many bagels for one person my dude.
I got one off Facebook Marketplace for $60, it was a damn steal, love it.
Paying $260 or whatever for it would be straight up asinine though
wake me up when she pulls out the Vitamix A3500 instead of a ninja blender or a damn commercial hobart mixer
need room in the budget for tithes
Why is it $300?!
Because it is one serious piece of toasting appliance
I got a $300 toaster oven brand new for $50 and I have told everyone I know already so now into strangers. It was on clearance marked scratch n dent but it was flawless and the fact that I saved $250 makes my toast taste extra good.
Nothing is better than buying something that you don't really need for a really good price
Temperature accuracy. Even toasting.
The Lord demands such!
"And the LORD said unto thee, 'Thou shalt buy the Breville BOV800XL toaster oven to make exquisite toast for your husband.'" - Bible, fake book, 6:21
"Thou shalt NOT buy the Breville BOV700XL toaster oven, for that is not enough. Neither shall thou buy the Breville BOV900XL toaster oven, for that is too much. The Breville BOV800XL toaster oven is sufficient for thine husband's toasted needs." - Bible, fake book 6:22-25
My mom has one. It is the best toaster you will ever use. No competition.
> Breville BOV800XL
Love this thing. Toasts so good.
Seems like a lot of liquid.
I didn't understand why the aloe vera juice couldn't just go in the smoothie
Lmao that’s a really good point.
Because aloe taste like shit.
So does kale, hence all the other shit to make it palatable.
Preheat oven to 425
Chop up kale
Toss with olive oil and salt
Roast for 15-20 minutes until crispy
Put that in the smoothie
Forget what we are doing
Get takeaway and never buy kale again
(Jk i love kale dunno why everyone hates it)
This is gonna sound weird but you're eating kale wrong if you think it tastes bad.
Just a tip for everyone else, "massage" your kale. Kale is incredibly fibrous but if you massage/crush it you soften the fibers making the kale a hell of a lot more digestible. I like to massage with the dressing when making a salad. It really helps the flavours meld together better.
This is some new age prank, sounds like
Like activating your almonds, you gotta massage your kale
Hey! I actually like kale.
So he has to drink it on its own?
I’ve never had what she’s having but the Exposed Aloe drink (the plain one with honey) is fucking delicious lol.
It seems most people don't drink enough water. This man is not one of those people.
For some reason I get the feeling he just pours out the water when he gets to work and starts pounding mountain dew.
pounding Mountain Dew made my laugh out loud.
I mean there really isn’t any other way to do the Dew. Dew must be pounded.
Maybe her husband loves Jesus enough that he can turn that aloe vera into wine
He turns that caffeinated, demon coffee into holy water
I looked at all those drinks and kept thinking how late I was going to be if I had to drink them all before work (besides the water that I'd take with me)
Shot shot shot shot shot shot
That last part is worth r/hydrohomies amigo.
That aloe and coffee is gonna have my mans shitting his brains out
Only for the first week or so
After that he just dead.
I mean. We never saw him move.
Does he even really exist?
Is she putting all this effort into a marriage with a mannequin?
What a good wife, she knows that shitting on company time is one of the great luxuries in life and is helping the man out
He'll be lucky if he isn't shitting in his car on the way to work.
Wait, what? Aloe makes you shit?
There’s a part of the aloe (I think it’s near the base) that’s actually used as a laxative.
aloin, and it's in the orange-yellow pigmented latex just under the skin, it's thankfully not in the gel
Too much can
He can’t cheat if he’s always shitting.
He can't shit if he's always cheating.
Is her husband's job professional bathroom occupier?
I'm starting think that she probably doesn't know how to cook... And her love language is pouring drinks.
She speaks in ninja blender and air fryer love languages
Nobody should do this much work in the morning and NOT make breakfast.
Right? I'd rather wake up to bacon and eggs, not two gallons of whatever the heck this is.
She thinks he's a baby.
Honestly seems like that at this point. I'm scared of her "he's coming home" routine.I imagine a whole barrage of shower drinks, toilet drink, and bedtime drinks.
This was funny enough that even my husband laughed and he normally just rolls his eyes when I make him watch tik toks.
His ‘there it is’ was spot on.
Yes! I watched it twice and chuckled hard both times!
I do all that shit for my wife plus more but if I started waking her up with hymns she would probably punch me in stomach.
Who knows, I’m scared to ask at this point.
You're in too deep now. Might as well keep on keepin' on!
^(If you need help, blink twice!)
Plus more!?!? How many drinks /u/aoanfletcher2002. Just tell us how many!
Way of the house husband.
I’ve accepted that my wife would die of malnutrition if she’s not fed by another person. Smart, independent, highly capable, but would have starved to death if she wasn’t fed by others.
There is a Netflix show about a mafia boss who quits to become a house husband. He is very attentive to his wife, but she does get angry at him for some of the things he does. Your story reminded me of it.
What about a bit of satanic chanting?
"Is he a mafia boss whys he make you do so much?" lmaoo
She looks like a MLM hun
yeah there's a sign that reads "Wake Up. Pray. Hustle." under their TV
And to do a Devotional after jogging outside and walking the dog and doing all the chores before her master wakes up.
The venn diagram of women who do this shit and insist ALL OTHER WOMEN MUST DO THIS SHIT and MLM huns looks a lot like a circle. Church huns are gross af.
>and insist ALL OTHER WOMEN MUST DO THIS SHIT
You hit the nail right on the head with this. The problem isn't when people do this. Maybe that's the dynamic they've both come to enjoy. I don't know them and a 30 second clip isn't going to show me who they are. Even if it did I'm not qualified to comment on it.
However, insisting anyone else needs to have your exact relationship is batshit crazy and that's what usually goes with people who are loud about having this lifestyle.
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I literally cannot tell if this is /s, it's too realistic help
She has a specific haircut and an emotional reaction to the name Karen
So many fucking drinks holy shit
Holy shit is right. He holy and he be shittin with all that coffee and aloe
"before i wake him-"
The motherfucker can't even get up on his own? She sounds like a mom of a 3yr old, not a partner.
Sans the whiteboard, this is exactly mum behaviour. I would not be able to handle a partner like this
Replace the whiteboard with a note in the lunchbox and we're right back to mom status
Guaranteed she is just a stay at home mom giving herself something to do. Like damn just get to work bitch at least make money with all that energy domt waste it on me
"I HAVE a job, hun! And that's teaching my girlfriends how to turn $40 into $200 right from home with these amazing weight loss products. Be your own boss!"
How else is he going to have enough time to drink 10 gallons of liquid?
I'd rather my wife/gf walk me up than my alarm. Waaaay less jarring
Same. My husband and I both know the other's wake-up time. If we notice the time a few minutes before the alarm, we will wake them up instead since it is a more pleasant way to wake up. Plus then we get to cuddle some and that is extra nice.
Once in a while, my girlfriend wakes me up before my alarm goes off. True, she could wait until it does, but if she's awake and near a clock I appreciate it. A kiss from her is so much better than a jarring alarm.
Idea: An alarm that kisses you good morning.
That already exists, it's called my dog.
Idea: An alarm that kisses you good morning and doesn't eat feces and other trash beforehand.
Like, I ain’t gonna judge your choice of how you and your spouse live your life and do your morning routine, but this feels REALLY forced. Like, unless he works late hours and you wake up before him naturally, there’s no reason you should need to do all this stuff, when plenty of it is stuff he can do himself. Sure, it’s nice to do it once in a while to show you care, but if this is a daily routine it almost seems creepy
This video is a Christian Flex™️
My husband is an infant. Checkmate atheists 😎
Social media is all about projecting an idealized image of yourself to others, this is exactly what’s happening here. The sanctimonious “hymns-at-home” flavor of Christian values this cult of domesticity very highly, and she is trying to curate herself as the idealized image of this.
I feel bad for her because it’s so obviously a mask she wears. Like, what are you trying to prove by showcasing this to the world? Why is the approval of strangers that important? The type of theatrical affirmation-seeking behavior on social media is definitely bad for your mental health.
I’ve known girls that have literally grown up with basically being arm candy to their husbands being their only goal in life. Sure, they enjoy their life, but they never had any OPTIONS or choices that they were able to make, and now they’re in a place that they have no way out of. If they suddenly realize that they didn’t want to do this, they’d be shunned for it, and it’s a shame. I’m not very old, only 24, and yet these girls my age are already married with 2 kids and have decided to go full house wife.
I ain’t saying all girls who end up this way are unhappy, because I can’t imagine all are, but this level of brainwashing from a young age is creepy. I live in America, a country where women are allowed to be more than an accessory, so the fact that they think they have to be one from a young age is sad honestly.
So I think this set up is more common when one person in the relationship works a physically demanding job, which normally comes with earlier hours.
My dad was out the door every morning by 5 doing concrete work. My mom would wake up before him, make sure coffee and breakfast was around, so that he could get as much sleep as possible before waking up, eating a quick bite with her, and then leaving. She then went back to bed until it was time to wake us kids up for school.
Sure, my dad could have done it himself, but it would have meant him going to bed earlier, so he could wake up earlier, which would mean less time with the family.
Now, my wife and I both have white collar jobs that start around the same time, so out split of the morning chores is more equal. But if one of us had to leave the house 3 hours before the other, something like this would make sense.
Yeah it’s too much, I make dinner and clean up when I’m off before my girlfriend but if she’s off first or we’re off at the same time I pretty much expect to be lazy as fuck and microwave dinner. This is over the top shit that only a sahm would have time for.
The part that really kinda creeps me out is the “cleaning, cuz who wants to wake up to a mess” part. The way she says it makes it feel like cleaning is expected of her, and that she has it implanted in her head that she “has to clean to please her man.” I could be wrong, of course, but it feels like she’s expected to do this like a child or else, and she’s convinced herself that it’s her role to do this stuff.
On a real note, I’m not reading anything in the morning when I’m getting ready for work except for the time.
I don’t have time to read messages because I know there’s gonna be a fat shit about to come right before I need to leave so I’m all ready stressed about that.
She can put the white board in front of the toilet. Voila.
"Is he dying? Why are you doing this?" lmao
I honestly expected the video to cut to her husband and reveal him to be her 78 year old sugar daddy
She has the vibes of my aunt who literally always says “yes sir” to her husband and would bow to him if he asked. Same woman who got mad at my grandma for telling her her husband cheated on her and shunned her for a few years
No one should have to listen to christian music, please lord, have mercy
“My crew is big and it keeps getting bigger....”
That's cause Jesus Christ is my home boy.
Dunno my dude, Youth of the Nation by P.O.D was a must on my burned CDs back in middle school.
The early 2000's had the best Christian music. Remember that hot minute when everyone thought evanescence was Christian? Good times
And who could forget that master piece from [Faith +1](https://youtu.be/NrhJT98IoaQ)
Here comes the BOOM!
Woah woah woah POD was a Christian rock band?!
Yeah they opened for Skillet when I saw them 10 years ago lol
WAIT! *Skillet* is a Christian band? Whats next...? You gonna tell me Switchfoot is Christian too?
… you’re not gonna believe this
Wait, what about The Devil Wears Prada?
Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway are amazing
and let's not forget Stanley Tucci [chef's kiss]
Wait till you hear about As I Lay Dying...
Is ***ALL*** of Tooth and Nail Records just Christian bands?
POD opened for SKillet!!!
What Bizarro timeline are we in?
They're not making Christianity any better; they're making music worse.
King of the hill?
I hate pop Christan music it's so cringey like I don't hate ppl for liking it bc to each their own but like I can't stand listening to it the exceptions are ones that I listened to on repeat as a kid cuz nostalgia not cuz it's good
I dunno, Faith + 1 is pretty good.
Gonna get down on my knees and please you, Jesus!
* coffee pot starts 5 min before I get up
* feed cats
* enjoy coffee as I hear my husband fall out of bed and run into the shower
* have breakfast while husband spends 35 minutes looking at memes in the shower
* coffee kicks in, wait for husband to get out
* kiss husband as I go into the bathroom. Because he runs out the house 5 minutes later
* finish coffee, kiss husbands again when he runs back in ther house to grab wallet/ keys/vape pen
* get dressed, pack lunch, play with cats
* go to work
•Wake up alone
•Go to the bathroom
•Put on clothes
•Get in the car
•Drive to work
If you brush your teeth while going to the bathroom you can shave a good minute off that.
how the fuck does your husband look at memes while showering jeewiz
Back to the water, phone next to the wall. Here angles the shower head down all the way to there isn't much spray.
The amount of water he uses omg
Right? Just lay in bed and scroll mindlessly until the very last minute like the rest of us.
Don't empty the reservoir every morning just to look at memes. Jfc.
As a man myself, if your woman does this much to you I sure hope you're a damn good lover and provider in return.
He’s probably making good money and she’s a stay at home housewife.
I can’t see a woman working 40 hours a week also doing this at the same time AND being responsible for waking him up every morning.
lol I was thinking this guy must be a beast in bed for her to be so accommodating.
You know they only do two minutes of half-hearted missionary once a week.
It's all the good Lord allows for us sinners.
That "Wake Up, Pray, Hustle" sign tells me everything I need to know.
Tbh she already lost me at "gut health".
Whenever someone says "gut health" they're usually 100% on some woo science BS. I'm surprised the last step wasn't "rub lavender oils on his feet in the name of Jesus and protection from vaccines"
Edit; when *doctors* talk about stomach, colon and intestinal health it's one thing. But when crazy Karen says "iTs GoOd fOr YoUr GuT" I nope out.
As someone with a really messed up digestive system, gut health is totally a thing. But usually it takes the form of eating a balance of prebiotic and probiotic foods. And whatever else your GI says you need to do.
Can confirm, my old quack of a pediatrician overdosed me on antibiotics a long while ago and that lead to a whole long era of being 'allergic' to nearly everything.
Like, before counter treatment, I couldn't eat oatmeal with raisins without my stomach hurting and eating ice cream felt like it was burning a hole inside me.
What got me back to (mostly) normal today was years of probiotics and very healthy food with good amounts of fiber.
Gut health is real tho. Don't let these woo science bitches make gut health a bad thing. You're giving them power. Don't.
The road to health is paved with good intestines
Real gut researchers say to eat fiber.
prebiotics > probiotics
That's why I eat kimchi, get both at the same time
but seriously don't drink that much aloe vera juice especially every day you'll get the squirts
Gut health might actually be the only legit thing she said, although I’m not sure what Aloe juice does. I found mixing in things like Yakult, kefir and kimchi helped and healthy mix of fiber helped my gastritis quite a bit. I definitely notice when I stop being as regimented about it.
I initially assumed he was just an alcoholic but nevermind I guess
There’s some truth about your gut. Even a poop transplant can help mental health
And people mocked me for eating poop all these years. Look who has amazing gut and mental health now you bitches!
No it’s suppose to go up your butt
Who's laughing now, HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM?!
Aloe helps my acid reflux. You’re missing out on good tips by generally waving off well known treatments under the label of “gut health.”
Trillions of good and bad bacteria reside in the gut, colon, intestines etc. gut health is reference to keeping a healthy balance of good over bad bacteria as it can lead to more serious health conditions.
As someone that had wicked gas for a while I found that fiber, high strength probiotics, and kefir was an absolute game-changer. My wife very much appreciated the change. This sub trends very young and don’t understand that as you get older taking care of the bacteria in your gut becomes pretty important that requires more attention.
Awesome. I’m a big fan of kefir.
bruh kefir fukin slaps. There's this farm near me that makes the most bomb ass blueberry kefir and i can't get enough
Nah fam, fuck all that. Gut health is not "woo science" and gut bacteria directly influence tons of functions in your body and even influence mental health. The bacteria in my gut was fucking decimated by some serious antibiotics I was on and it fucked up my mental health and physical health for 10 years before I was able to get my gut health right. Your gut bacteria is super important and many Americans have absolutely shit gut health because we eat diets high in refined sugar from an early age. Even changing diet will likely not be enough for many because of the damage this high sugar diet has done to their gut.
Our gut health is directly influenced by our diet. A diet heavy in refined sugar does foster the growth of bad gut bacteria. I know this because I was one of those people addicted to sugar and not really aware of just how much I was taking in since it is in every fucking thing. It completely influenced what I ate as well because my cravings were so strong. Luckily a 24hr fast will kill most of these bacteria because when they are deprived of food for long enough they eventually suicide themselves.
What happened after that fast was essentially the first time in my life I ever felt happy, or healthy, or like I wanted to actually live. It is staggering just how much our gut bacteria influences our health and mental health. Do not discredit gut bacteria is being "woo" science you don't know wtf you are talking about.
I guarantee she has one of these 2 stickers on her car (or both!):
Live. Laugh. Love or Not all who wander are lost
Hey, miss do everything. Get some bed sheets.
If someone ever did this to me I would be pretty suspect...especially since they seem to think I run on liquids.