Where is your hooyo from? Also never heard of a hooyo wanting their child to race mix


She’s from Kismayo. I’ve even asked her one day why on earth she wasn’t cool with me marrying a Somali man and her response was that I was too good for them.


talk to your hooyo on why she doesn't want you to marry somali clearly she probably has war trauma since the war affected kismayo


This actually make sense now given the fact that my mom barely talked about her side of the story regarding the war and my dad would tell his side with no problem. I’m gonna ask her why she doesn’t want me to marry a Somali inshaAllah.


Could this have anything tk do with your father


is your father still in your life?


Yes he’s still in my life Alhamdulilah. He’s a very active father and is married to my mom.


Thats extremely odd then. You have a good father who is still present in your life yet your Mother has such self hatred of her own people. My Mother is the same but my father is a truly horrible man and a dead beat so i can understand why she has that mentality even though she still wants me to marry a Somali girl. I have to say your situation is a very odd one but perhaps your mother is projecting her own self hate onto you and your relationships somehow.


I don’t know too much about the Somali culture but could it be because kids of the diaspora today tend to be mixing with the melting pot in good and bad ways. And for that reason she doesn’t want her to be influenced by that? Like ik our diaspora parents take care into thinking that if we gain one bad friend we are entering a gateway for more harm to come. And her mother probably heard of a lot of bad things in the community from kids in the 1990/2000 generation. So maybe she’s sheltering her from it because she(the OP) never experienced any afflictions. And when harm does come how would she be able to protect herself from it. Maybe she would succumb to any pressures caused by her ‘Somali’ peers. (Small minority which actually don’t care for others but themselves but act as if they do; every ethnicity/society has this). Not also saying OP is not capable to speak up for herself because she had the courage to even post this. Anyways godspeed OP you have a long journey of self-awareness ahead. May Allah make it easy for you. Everyone does things because of the experiences they faced. We are in the same generation because of the age you posted. I had over 5k+ somali friends growing up in Cedar Riverside. I’ve seen the worst of them and the best of them. May Allah forgive us all. Just make dua that your family accepts you and your nationality with no discrimination. Without enough information you can’t win any arguments or make judgements on why your mother acts a certain way towards your own. Use your post as a footnote and ask all the questions directly in a nice calm mannered way. And it’ll take time just ask them once a day and see if that helps her change her narrative on Somalis within the USA/Canada.


Maybe your dad knows the reason, have you told/asked him about why your mom is like that?




War trauma?


That’s what I was thinking of, but I am completely unsure.


My parents was trauma manifested into making me a qabilist at a young age


I second those who mention war trauma. And perhaps that she's suspicious of people outside your subclan. You're old enough to have a heart-to-heart with your hooyo, sis. Tell her how strange and saddened you feel about her opinions. And then just continue with exposure therapy. Continue exposing her to different kinds of good Somalis - she'll come around.


I have seen this happen before and it's usually rooted in deep self hatred and identity crisis that people develop when they forget where they came from and are now well off/ class over culture. There are many negative things that can be discussed about our people but that's true for every ethnicity, but this is more of a classism and your mom is definitely displaying those characteristics. I would definitely recommend giving her grace but now that you're older communicating how much some of her actions might have hindered your social life. People gravitate towards their own in every setting so by her putting this stipulation on you it could have lasting effects on your mental health.


This is very strange wallahi. You can have your dad speak to your mum and let her know that it’s okay for you to have Somali friends


Seeing that you said your mother is from kismaayo, it’s most likely war trauma, it was perhaps the most violent place during the civil war. People tend to develop anomalous reactions to specific things given war trauma. You should try to get your mom to go see a therapist, it’s considered ceeb but it’s something that a lot of people from the previous generation need. That’s my two cents, I could be totally wrong though.


What is your dad's view as well when it comes to Somali people?


His view is very very positive Alhamdulilah. He’d always talk about Somali history and culture with my and my siblings growing up. Just yesterday, my youngest sister was asking all sorts of questions to my dad regarding where he grew up and such.


Mashallah that's good. I'm glad you have one supportive parent at least. Maybe he can talk to your mother if you'd like.


As long as you not mixing with the somalis that are trapping you should be good, just be wary of them as anyone else. Not all somalis are good but that goes for everyone.


lol I thought it was just my mom. When I expressed interesting in befriending Somalis or even mentioned somalis she would instantly berate them. And always say that I shouldn’t befriend them as they’re all a bad influence. Even when I said they were practicing good Muslims bc I do understand the bad influence part. She does want me to marry a Somali, but says to be careful.


Your mom most likely experienced a horrible experience (a trauma that stuck with her). Have you ever asked her? I would still be friends with Somalis and connect with the culture and make my own opinions about it all and respectfully not follow that advice.


I have tried asking but my mom is a secretive person, even over matters that don’t need to be kept secret so she won’t answer anything.


We are the best and the worst people in one 😅 I genuinely think something happened when she was young. I would let her be until when and if you marry a somali guy. Until that point I would pick the fight but I would keep my Somali friends and let her lowkey disapprove 😅🤣


I think its more to do with the stigma around somali youth in the west and somali marriages nowadays.


Your hooyo could be a secessionist / clan supremacist she may think that you are too noble or will be discriminated against. Whatever the case, she is the best person to tell you why she feels that way about her own people. Ask her and don't be upset at her answer. But the bottom line is, obey your hooyo.. She probably doesn't want you to get distracted or influenced


If she was a clan supremacist wouldn’t she push OP towards marrying/making friends with people of her own clan rather than shunning Somalis altogether?


Influenced by what tho? The Somalis I grew up and befriended were great people Alhamdulilah. I was smart to avoid those who would negatively influence me. It could be a possibility that my mom is a clan supremacist. My mom would constantly bring up my sisters best friends tribe to make my sister uncomfortable.


This is probably far fetched but Brain tumors often cause personality changes. That and with trauma might be at play here. You said she was fine Untill you became a teenager. The sudden changes doesn’t add up. Get hoyoo checked out


You need to grow a backbone. Your friends are none of your mother’s business at your age.


Did ur mom and dad have a bad divorce around the time u were a teenager by any chance ?


No, they’re happily married Alhamdulilah. I could understand the sudden hate if that was the case, but it isn’t. My mom and dad have a fantastic relationship so her trying to get me to hate Somalis and not befriend them strikes me as odd.


She is a self-hating coon unfortunately. There is an increase in self-haters across all sorts of communities and your hoyoo is suffering from this disease. Don’t forget a dog born in a stable isn’t a horse, you should probably remind your hoyoo that.


This is why a father is needed in every household. Sometimes one parent is a little off especially Somalis who have went through the toughest times. This can also be a deep sense of inferiority complex by your mother. A lot of AA and European Americans came with disrespect towards Somalis for being from Somalia and most Somalis didnt care but a minority did. They internalized it and suffer from inferiority complex. My advice to you is dont let this affect you. Grow from it and dont internalize the inferiority complex. Build a family in the future where your child or children grow to love themselves. Tell them the amazing history from their motherland and how special they are. As for your mother, make dua for her. One of the biggest signs that someone is mentally off is hatred for themselves/who they are. You might as well hate Allah because he's the one that made you who you are.


My parents are still married and my father is very much in the picture. If I have kids inshaAllah I will tell them where they came from, share history with them, all that. I will make sure that we continue to uphold our roots ♥️ Your comment was well said. Thank you.


Is your mother perhaps of the Isaaq clan? It would make sense how she doesn't like other somalis assuming your Somali community members belong to other clans. Also why didn't you ask her what the hell is wrong with her hating her own people so much. Like the hell is wrong with her.


Having animosity towards other clan members isn’t limited towards one clan. It’s limited just to stupid Somalis in general. Don’t be a dumbass


No she’s not issaq. She’s Darod as well as my father


Issaq obsession continues. What does a Darod family hating her own clan and culture have to do with Issaq?


What a dirty Racist peace of sh*t you are


Your dad should divorce your mom fr


I did you read your story. I recommend taking as much advice from your father as possible. Your mother is unfortunately mentally ill.


Isn't your father aware of the situation? Did you tell him about the situation and didn't he talk to your mom