By - JG_Bolt
Your first act as a police officer should be sorting out that crime on top of your forehead
I'll make it a top priority
You wish someone would Fuck the Police
I like this one.
How is this not the top comment?
You make Paul blart look like a track star
Bet you sound like Carl Winslow when you say "you kids better stop Kid n Playing in dis mall"
he looks like kid n play combined
Holy shit, that's not even a roast! That would be amazing!
The unholy offspring of Paul Blart, Steve Urkel, and a failed education system.
Finally a Paul Blart joke. Thank you good sir
It would be weird if a cop shot another cop
He makes Don King look presentable.
He makes don king look like wayne brady
Jesus christ he said roast not flambé
You do realize that there is more to training to be a police officer than eating donuts, right?
should stop being a toilet pan brush
Is that a chin strap holding a poodle to your head?
It’s like an Easter bonnet made of hair.
in da 80s we used to say, "you look like you gotta cake on yo head"
He has the same exact hair do!
It's me working with the best I got 😅
This is the kind of roast that I love. It is not unnecessarily mean and yet it's funny. Cheers.
It’s a “reservoir tip.”
Most police dont get fat off donuts till the end of their career. Good on you for getting a headstart.
Thanks dude 😁
You look like Heavy D ate Kid N Play.
I'm the perfect fusion 😎
Then pants more heavily 🥵
Kid N D.
Congratulations. Now you'll be able to arrest the person who murdered your hair.
One of these days
Better hope they pay by the pound.
How long until he tries to arrest himself?
Been there done that
Now that's kink right there
I like my cops like my grill charcoal. Fat, black and flaming.
This security guard's on fire 🔥🔥
Is the chinstrap beard to keep your hair attached or your third chin from eating your shirt?
Looks like you've already solved the case of the missing donuts
Yeah that was a difficult case
My man! You in here fuck aresing a round and having a great time. I love this. Go forth and fuck with these people!
Because it’s hard to look down?
Just remember, if you're arresting someone and they say "I can't breathe" it's because you are smothering them with your gigantic man tits.
Got it 👍🏿
Good luck man.
You will make a lovely mall-cop one day.
Been there done that. Wouldn't even let me ride the Segway 😞
How does it feel to have already reached the peak of your career by 21?
OP learns there’s more than one way to roast a pig.
Probably worried you'd break it
You got a point
Exceeded the weight capacity 😅
You're kind of winning here ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|sunglasses)
Poor man’s Mr. T
I pity the fool who pity's me
That's all of us, mate. We *all* pity you.
Hey I'm middle.........ok you got me there
I see what you did there with the hairstyle.. 6-feet tall and 300lbs sounds way better than 5-feet/300!!
Carl Winslow Jr.
Carl Runslow Jr.
Don't you mean black Carl Wheezer
Nope, Family Matters bro. If anything, you’re the son of Urkel really…
That's even better
Nice chinstrap bro, did it come with the helmet?
When you go back home after a long shift and find a PoC in your house, don't fall back on your training; they're supposed to be there
Thanks man 😄
He said roast not deep fry Sheeesh.
OP prefers everything deep fried
Didn’t know the new AirPods came with a chin strap.
It was a pre order bonus
What sort of pre order bonus do you get with Dunkin?
All the donuts they throw away at night
I hope other police officers have friendly fire turned off.
Me too 😅
Well played good sir, not only roasting the OP but roasting the american police force was a pure stroke of genious! ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|grin)
It’s a much much much much fatter version of the Chris Tucker character from the 5th Element.
Never saw that movie. I'll add it to my watch list
here’s a reference to the character Ruby Rhod for you.
Your plan is flawed. Apparently you’ve never heard of Internal Affairs.
You got me there 🤔
"Officer xxshadowbladexx69 reporting in!"
No I don't (shit he's on to me)
Was it always your dream to become a cop and arrest yourself?
I actually did when I playing with handcuffs I bought from Amazon 😅
You misspelled "shoot"
Tell me you got bullied without telling me you got bullied.
I was the weird guy in........anywhere 😂
I can imagine this foo' as an investigator, busting thru walls and saying "Oh Yeah!" when solving crimes.
Kool-aid man is my Inspiration
Wow they really lowered the bar for new police recruits. Can't run, can't jump, and I'm pretty sure the only case you'll get to the bottom of is donuts.
Customer: Cock a doodle doo
BARBER: Say no more fam
Your facial hair makes you look like one of those British guard dudes.
So that's what happened to Gerald after "Hey Arnold!"
Craig Bartlett did me dirty
You do understand that roastme does not mean we are giving you beef right?
You can't arrest girls for not having sex with you. That's not how this works.
1st person to arrest is that barber. Murdered that hairline
Can't really stab a haircut but I'll try
is this the inspiration for that hairdo?
Zootopia was a great movie
As my man Charlie Murphy told ashy Larry. Go upstairs and put on some lotion!
I just washed my hands before I took the selfie but I'll remember next time 👍🏿
You look well qualified in the art of frisking.
You cops sure do love your donuts
Boston Cream is my favorite
Sounds like a great strategy to finally be able to force people to give you the respect you don't deserve...
...wait until you discover that even meth addicted monsters from under the bridge make fun of you.
They already do
Khalid on wish
You’ve got calluses on your knuckles, is that from walking?
You’ll never pass the kneel on your own neck part of training.
I'm still working on it. Getting better at it everyday
JR Rick Ross in the making...
Burnt Vanilla Ice
I prefer strawberry
I didn't realize Sharpie opened as line of hair shops.
(Good luck with your studies. Make a difference dude!)
I'll try my hardest
Damn, Mr.Popo doing security at my nephews high school. I love the way you proudly rock that Mr.T esq mohawk while maintaining the spitting image of the dad from family matters. The day the invent the HoHo and Donuts division, Im sure you'll get your chance as a cop.
Lookin like a happy meal version of Rick Ross boi. Talkin bout "Shout out to all the pearrrrs" wit cho fat ass
Happy for you, bro. Be blessed - hope you have a solid day.
Kid Ate Play
The face of "I have $30k in student loans and can't get hired because police departments don't want CJ majors".
Came here to say this^
Your beard is made out of eyelashes
Doofy Gilmore got dark...
I can tell you loved writing roast
You look like The Week.
Your head got a beard
you can fight crime when you can’t even outrun it
Your haircut looks like the top of a baby carrot
Didn't your barber already make your cry
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Seriously though, police brutality is not a joke
That hair looks like the sheep from Zootopia...do people walk up and pat it, saying its so fluffy? I would.
All the time 😂
I thought your shitty beard was a weird Covid mask. Do better. Also, can you say, I’m tired boss.
Growing a goatee is hard 😞
Sweet. I love a cop I can outrun.
I'll just pretend your a slice of pizza 🤤
Bruh yo fat ass ain't catching nobody
Hello darkness my old friend, you wear ketchup lipstick.
Honestly, you /do/ look like a middle-aged auntie with a glue-on beard who has a thing for wearing uniforms, pointing at your car and telling kids to "get in... from behind".
You look like a young Huell from better call saul.
You look like the stay puft marshmallow man from Ghost busters, dark chocolate marshmallow edition
Dark chocolate is delicious ngl 🤤
Your chin is eating your beard
And he loves it 😁
Your hair looks like a dolphin fin.
Bruh you would fit in with the Queens guard. You got their chin strap and big ass hat on your head all in one. The worst part is your chin strap is south of your chin so whoever did that line up should be fired. If you don’t get into policing, the queens guard is always hiring models for their chin strap and hat department.
Always wanted to go to London. Elko govner
Bloody hell ol chap. Smashing comment mate. The Queen will definitely hire you. You got the ol language down so far.
You are welcome. Plus I’m not British. I just wanted to go along with it:)
Are you the dude from hot tub time machine in a social equity sequel to Paul Blart: Mall Cop?
Mastered Donuts 101
I love Boston creme
You half a halfro... A half afro.
Couldn't afford the other half
Lets say you have to stay in bed today
That's my retirement goal 😂
Im not from North America. So what about about being a police man there? How do you feel about that?
Hopefully I'll be one people can look up too
why do you look like a fucking African, paul blart. I swear to god you better have gotten the Segway course.
Another Paul Blart joke. Come on man destroy my self esteem
Something tells me some "friend" flipped you off for your choice of career. That same "friend" probably doing a degree ending with 'studies'.
Friends come and go. That's just life
I can’t tell if you’re morbidly obese with giant hands or if you just wrote on a tiny card.
You look like 2021’s answer to Steve Urkel.
You should be a detective. You already have a lifetime supply of fingerprint powder on your hands.
"hey hey heyyy turn around, it's cop Albert!"
Hey hey hey you have the right to remain silent today
The Weekend stopped using drugs and found r/food.
I'm over 60, artificial knee, the other bad, cancer, and I'll still outrun you!