T O P
KillpigeonKill

Your first act as a police officer should be sorting out that crime on top of your forehead


JG_Bolt

I'll make it a top priority


mrSeven3Two

You wish someone would Fuck the Police


JG_Bolt

Giggidy


Disco47

All right!!


blueskymotherfucker

I like this one.


trifling_fo_sho

How is this not the top comment?


92Melman

You make Paul blart look like a track star


KiefLife

Bet you sound like Carl Winslow when you say "you kids better stop Kid n Playing in dis mall"


vegangbanger

he looks like kid n play combined


XxPumbaaxX

Holy shit, that's not even a roast! That would be amazing!


BlindProphetProd

The unholy offspring of Paul Blart, Steve Urkel, and a failed education system.


JG_Bolt

Finally a Paul Blart joke. Thank you good sir


AdvaitChowdhary

It would be weird if a cop shot another cop


[deleted]

He makes Don King look presentable.


RaptorDash

He makes don king look like wayne brady


[deleted]

Jesus christ he said roast not flambé


Fijiman128

You do realize that there is more to training to be a police officer than eating donuts, right?


fatguyinnalilcoat

![gif](giphy|Jd9QHWv4qqqDm)


IntelligentAura

should stop being a toilet pan brush


StoneyG_420

Is that a chin strap holding a poodle to your head?


lostbumbershoot

It’s like an Easter bonnet made of hair.


radii314

in da 80s we used to say, "you look like you gotta cake on yo head"


thc_86

He has the same exact hair do! ![gif](giphy|l4KhPbiT7Ii3C3Ikg|downsized)


JG_Bolt

It's me working with the best I got 😅


MeddlinQ

This is the kind of roast that I love. It is not unnecessarily mean and yet it's funny. Cheers.


DIrtyVendetta80

It’s a “reservoir tip.”


Used_Wolverine_5810

Most police dont get fat off donuts till the end of their career. Good on you for getting a headstart.


JG_Bolt

Thanks dude 😁


[deleted]

You look like Heavy D ate Kid N Play.


JG_Bolt

I'm the perfect fusion 😎


IntellectualOutlaw

Heavy Play


GeneralChicken4Life

Plays heavy


[deleted]

Then pants more heavily 🥵


GetYourVanOffMyMeat

Kid N D. Hol up.


DeathSpiral321

Congratulations. Now you'll be able to arrest the person who murdered your hair.


JG_Bolt

One of these days


TomJamesB

Better hope they pay by the pound.


JG_Bolt

Hopefully


XeroSyphon

How long until he tries to arrest himself?


JG_Bolt

Been there done that


GraveOverkill

Now that's kink right there


JG_Bolt

![gif](giphy|VWdMYiwUcF06k)


bullmarket2020

I like my cops like my grill charcoal. Fat, black and flaming.


JG_Bolt

This security guard's on fire 🔥🔥


External-Life

Underappreciated


Johnny_Fuckface

Is the chinstrap beard to keep your hair attached or your third chin from eating your shirt?


JG_Bolt

Yes


hold-fast-nl

Looks like you've already solved the case of the missing donuts


JG_Bolt

Yeah that was a difficult case


premiumpinkgin

My man! You in here fuck aresing a round and having a great time. I love this. Go forth and fuck with these people!


Grill_la_grill

Because it’s hard to look down?


LidoCalhoun

Just remember, if you're arresting someone and they say "I can't breathe" it's because you are smothering them with your gigantic man tits.


JG_Bolt

Got it 👍🏿


LidoCalhoun

Good luck man.


JG_Bolt

Thx


drpepper1994

You will make a lovely mall-cop one day.


JG_Bolt

Been there done that. Wouldn't even let me ride the Segway 😞


drpepper1994

How does it feel to have already reached the peak of your career by 21?


drummerguy79

OP learns there’s more than one way to roast a pig.


spaycedinvader

Probably worried you'd break it


JG_Bolt

You got a point


buffmanuk

Exceeded the weight capacity 😅


nobukito

You're kind of winning here ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|sunglasses)


Ukie8cookie

Poor man’s Mr. T


JG_Bolt

I pity the fool who pity's me


Ukie8cookie

![gif](giphy|x5nmmdqVE2x4Q)


aceswild347

That's all of us, mate. We *all* pity you.


Rod_Thick

BrokeBlack Mountain


JG_Bolt

Hey I'm middle.........ok you got me there


hockeydad2019

I see what you did there with the hairstyle.. 6-feet tall and 300lbs sounds way better than 5-feet/300!!


JG_Bolt

Ik right


[deleted]

Carl Winslow Jr.


drummerguy79

Carl Runslow Jr.


JG_Bolt

Don't you mean black Carl Wheezer


[deleted]

Nope, Family Matters bro. If anything, you’re the son of Urkel really…


JG_Bolt

That's even better


PaleBarracuda1

Nice chinstrap bro, did it come with the helmet?


JG_Bolt

Thanks


viriosion

When you go back home after a long shift and find a PoC in your house, don't fall back on your training; they're supposed to be there


JG_Bolt

Thanks man 😄


[deleted]

[удалено]


Tragarful_Law

He said roast not deep fry Sheeesh.


[deleted]

OP prefers everything deep fried


jemcnick

officer Ricky...


Hungdismembered

Didn’t know the new AirPods came with a chin strap.


JG_Bolt

It was a pre order bonus


Hungdismembered

What sort of pre order bonus do you get with Dunkin?


JG_Bolt

All the donuts they throw away at night


Maruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

I hope other police officers have friendly fire turned off.


JG_Bolt

Me too 😅


westy0703

Well played good sir, not only roasting the OP but roasting the american police force was a pure stroke of genious! ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|grin)


Angry_gen_X_74

It’s a much much much much fatter version of the Chris Tucker character from the 5th Element.


JG_Bolt

Never saw that movie. I'll add it to my watch list


woofridgerator

![gif](giphy|1t3bDMAxnkMPS) here’s a reference to the character Ruby Rhod for you.


BritishTeeth11

Your plan is flawed. Apparently you’ve never heard of Internal Affairs.


JG_Bolt

You got me there 🤔


Callo_Mallo

"Officer xxshadowbladexx69 reporting in!"


[deleted]

[удалено]


JG_Bolt

No I don't (shit he's on to me)


michaeltoris123

Was it always your dream to become a cop and arrest yourself?


JG_Bolt

I actually did when I playing with handcuffs I bought from Amazon 😅


BrainyBorgBitch

You misspelled "shoot"


JackMahogofff

Tell me you got bullied without telling me you got bullied.


JG_Bolt

I was the weird guy in........anywhere 😂


Papichuloft

I can imagine this foo' as an investigator, busting thru walls and saying "Oh Yeah!" when solving crimes.


JG_Bolt

Kool-aid man is my Inspiration


Nomad846

Wow they really lowered the bar for new police recruits. Can't run, can't jump, and I'm pretty sure the only case you'll get to the bottom of is donuts.


JG_Bolt

Mmmmm donut


evileinstein99

Customer: Cock a doodle doo BARBER: Say no more fam


overimportance

Your facial hair makes you look like one of those British guard dudes.


JG_Bolt

Bloody hell


GraveOverkill

So that's what happened to Gerald after "Hey Arnold!"


JG_Bolt

Craig Bartlett did me dirty


smiles2310

You do understand that roastme does not mean we are giving you beef right?


[deleted]

You can't arrest girls for not having sex with you. That's not how this works. 1st person to arrest is that barber. Murdered that hairline


JG_Bolt

Can't really stab a haircut but I'll try


blizzardwizard88

![gif](giphy|26FPzUWpYZaMdBKYo) is this the inspiration for that hairdo?


JG_Bolt

Zootopia was a great movie


anitabonghit705

As my man Charlie Murphy told ashy Larry. Go upstairs and put on some lotion!


JG_Bolt

I just washed my hands before I took the selfie but I'll remember next time 👍🏿


infinitesnapshot

You look well qualified in the art of frisking.


Techtonex

You cops sure do love your donuts


JG_Bolt

Boston Cream is my favorite


[deleted]

Sounds like a great strategy to finally be able to force people to give you the respect you don't deserve... ...wait until you discover that even meth addicted monsters from under the bridge make fun of you.


JG_Bolt

They already do


shekeypoo

Khalid on wish


[deleted]

You’ve got calluses on your knuckles, is that from walking?


saltzja

You’ll never pass the kneel on your own neck part of training.


JG_Bolt

I'm still working on it. Getting better at it everyday


SideShow84

JR Rick Ross in the making...


murmbles

Burnt Vanilla Ice


JG_Bolt

I prefer strawberry


[deleted]

I didn't realize Sharpie opened as line of hair shops. (Good luck with your studies. Make a difference dude!)


JG_Bolt

I'll try my hardest


Used_Acanthisitta188

Damn, Mr.Popo doing security at my nephews high school. I love the way you proudly rock that Mr.T esq mohawk while maintaining the spitting image of the dad from family matters. The day the invent the HoHo and Donuts division, Im sure you'll get your chance as a cop.


brokenrice90

Lookin like a happy meal version of Rick Ross boi. Talkin bout "Shout out to all the pearrrrs" wit cho fat ass


joefromtroy

Happy for you, bro. Be blessed - hope you have a solid day.


[deleted]

Kid Ate Play


ynotzo1dberg

The face of "I have $30k in student loans and can't get hired because police departments don't want CJ majors".


[deleted]

Came here to say this^


Raven0470

*change teams*


onenightblunder

Your beard is made out of eyelashes


Full-Syrup3394

Doofy Gilmore got dark...


Ajdee6

I can tell you loved writing roast


big_fella1010

You look like The Week.


[deleted]

Your head got a beard


gerardwayseyeliner4

you can fight crime when you can’t even outrun it


[deleted]

Your haircut looks like the top of a baby carrot


smiles2310

Didn't your barber already make your cry


AvgProdigy53

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Seriously though, police brutality is not a joke


hobogreg83

That hair looks like the sheep from Zootopia...do people walk up and pat it, saying its so fluffy? I would.


JG_Bolt

All the time 😂


GodMammon

I thought your shitty beard was a weird Covid mask. Do better. Also, can you say, I’m tired boss.


JG_Bolt

Growing a goatee is hard 😞


albertcamoot

Sweet. I love a cop I can outrun.


JG_Bolt

I'll just pretend your a slice of pizza 🤤


LogicalLook6760

![gif](giphy|OmYfaIRRXITtK)


[deleted]

Bruh yo fat ass ain't catching nobody


SaintAngrier

Hello darkness my old friend, you wear ketchup lipstick.


nobukito

Honestly, you /do/ look like a middle-aged auntie with a glue-on beard who has a thing for wearing uniforms, pointing at your car and telling kids to "get in... from behind".


yadmas69

You look like a young Huell from better call saul.


ItsdatBoiGaz

You look like the stay puft marshmallow man from Ghost busters, dark chocolate marshmallow edition


JG_Bolt

Dark chocolate is delicious ngl 🤤


ItsdatBoiGaz

Lmfao


AhMoonBeam

Your chin is eating your beard


JG_Bolt

And he loves it 😁


Senorpuddin

Your hair looks like a dolphin fin.


JG_Bolt

🐬


NukaColaGhoul8

Bruh you would fit in with the Queens guard. You got their chin strap and big ass hat on your head all in one. The worst part is your chin strap is south of your chin so whoever did that line up should be fired. If you don’t get into policing, the queens guard is always hiring models for their chin strap and hat department.


JG_Bolt

Always wanted to go to London. Elko govner


NukaColaGhoul8

Bloody hell ol chap. Smashing comment mate. The Queen will definitely hire you. You got the ol language down so far.


JG_Bolt

Thanks bruv


NukaColaGhoul8

You are welcome. Plus I’m not British. I just wanted to go along with it:)


rhinolb50

Are you the dude from hot tub time machine in a social equity sequel to Paul Blart: Mall Cop?


JG_Bolt

.........maybe


SarcasticOrgasmic

Mastered Donuts 101


JG_Bolt

I love Boston creme


A_Baby_Seal69

You half a halfro... A half afro.


JG_Bolt

Couldn't afford the other half


ColdAerie6266

Lets say you have to stay in bed today


JG_Bolt

That's my retirement goal 😂


ColdAerie6266

Im not from North America. So what about about being a police man there? How do you feel about that?


JG_Bolt

Hopefully I'll be one people can look up too


[deleted]

why do you look like a fucking African, paul blart. I swear to god you better have gotten the Segway course.


JG_Bolt

Another Paul Blart joke. Come on man destroy my self esteem


loganhexel

Something tells me some "friend" flipped you off for your choice of career. That same "friend" probably doing a degree ending with 'studies'.


JG_Bolt

Friends come and go. That's just life


TheSquattyEwok

I can’t tell if you’re morbidly obese with giant hands or if you just wrote on a tiny card.


JG_Bolt

Both


Gnarly_Starwin

You look like 2021’s answer to Steve Urkel.


JG_Bolt

Thanks man


YourMomsSTI

You should be a detective. You already have a lifetime supply of fingerprint powder on your hands.


[deleted]

"hey hey heyyy turn around, it's cop Albert!"


JG_Bolt

Hey hey hey you have the right to remain silent today


Wildwood_Hills270

The Weekend stopped using drugs and found r/food.


JG_Bolt

🤤


illegitimate_Raccoon

I'm over 60, artificial knee, the other bad, cancer, and I'll still outrun you!