By - trombones_for_legs
They didn't Parent you, why the hell would they Grandparent?
This is a good point. They packed you up every weekend while you weren't at school because they didn't want to parent. Sounds like your siblings caught on to that feeling too.
You can pay non family members to babysit.
I have all the sympathy for you honestly, I have an 18 mo old that literally has only been not on my hip for three days last summer when I was in the hospital almost dying. It's hard to be always "ON" and available without respite.
😂🤣 I'm dead. It's true
Dang… this bites haha. But so true.
I have many siblings and they all have kids. When my oldest sister who used to live near me had kids, I watched them all the time. I would beg to take them to baseball games, came over (one hour drive) once or twice a week with dinner I had cooked to play with them, I watched them overnight… truly I was an incredible aunt! Went above and beyond because I loved them! Well, we moved away from my family and live near my husband’s family. I was told by him that they would be SO helpful. His sister is grown with no children and his parents are retired. None of them will so much as play with my very adorable one year old for even as little as 5 minutes so I can use the bathroom. It boggles my mind. I don’t even want to go out of town, I just want to pee alone or prep breakfast. They clearly just don’t want to. I also find it funny because they judge that I’m a SAHM because they don’t think that’s work but simultaneously find it too exhausting to entertain my child for 10 min so I can drink a hot cup of coffee. It’s no one’s job to watch my kid but my own but I do always find it disappointing that even in a sea of capable adults, my husband and I still never get a break.
Editing to add that we have a similar situation. My husband’s grandparents watched him constantly. Anytime he and his sister were home from daycare they babysat, if his parents went on vacation they babysat, they picked them up from school, took them on weekends. My MIL will even tell me how amazingly helpful her in laws were while watching me attempt to scramble eggs/ keep an eye on my active toddler in her non child proofed house. It is wild how people can have so little self awareness but it is what it is.
Why are you cooking in her house if she’s not even helping with the kid?
Because my in laws don’t eat breakfast or lunch, just drink cappuccinos all day, maybe have a piece of toast and then eat dinner 8pm. So if we want breakfast, we have to make it. One of the other reasons why it’s not fun visiting because I have to explain that children (as well as I) need to 3 actual meals a day.
They don’t help you because they don’t want to 🤷🏼♀️ it sucks but they’ve already raised their kids so I guess it’s just not on their agenda.
Im pretty burnt out and overly exhausted and no one offers to help. We’ve asked and they will do the bare minimum (think 2 hours so by the time I drop off and pick up half my time is gone lol). It’s a chain of events though because they have noticed I’m declining their invites because I’m just too tired and can’t be bothered. Might be a different story if we had some help but we don’t so I’m not complaining 🤷🏼♀️ just how it is
Yeah my mom is useless. Pretends to be a doting grandmother on Facebook but won’t spend more than 5 minutes alone with her only grandchild. My grandparents took us out on days out when we were young, took us for sleepovers etc. but it’s like she’s forgotten what it’s like. I don’t say anything because at the end of the day it’s my child and she’s my responsibility but honestly it bothers me and I won’t forget it. I had to have a smear test recently and had to bring my nearly three year old with me because my mom refused to watch her for 30 mins and husband was at work . She doesn’t work and hasn’t in years, spends all her time on Facebook and smoking cigarettes and just couldn’t be bothered. I get what people are saying about not expecting anything from anyone but I also understand that you need a break. We all do and it sucks knowing your parents had loads of help and you get nothing from them.
My mother in law did the same. She lived a short 4 blocks from us. I had to beg her to help and she would always say she was busy. Busy watching TV, she has no hobbies, single, she favors her first grandchild and will take her whenever the parents want (they live hours away) but she takes mine to ice cream once in 5 years posts it to Facebook and every one says she's grandmof the year. My father in law has stated he's not interested in a relationship with them (he's a 100% narcissist) and that knowing he is the grandfather should be enough for them. They don't even know him other than a couple hours on a rare holiday where he talks about himself and ignores every one else in the room. It took years for me to let go of my expectations, be glad my kids didn't spend too much time with either of them because they are so toxic. But when you are over tired and have babies/toddlers it's super hard not to be resentful. Hang in there.
>She doesn’t work and hasn’t in years, spends all her time on Facebook and smoking cigarettes and just couldn’t be bothered
Why do you even what your kid to be around her at this point.
My mom is always upset with me that she doesn’t get to see my daughter (her only granddaughter) enough but whenever I arrange a visit she leaves after an hour or two even if I ask her to stay longer. She often cancels at the last minute too which disappoints my 7 year old a great deal so I stopped trying to make plans with her. My dad will spend a whole day with us but he’s out of town.
Might want to make all Grandma visits in the future a surprise for the little ones. Less confusing and you'll be the only one disappointed.
That’s exactly what I’ve done for the last few visits. It’s just a shame that I can’t rely on her but I can handle it.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You grew up with loving grandparents. I'm sure you had great memories of time spent with them, which is why you were hoping for the same experience for your kids. I, too, had a great relationship with my grandparents, who I spent alot of time with growing up. With my own parents, not so much.
I actually believe it boils down to your parents' own selfishness and the inability to see past their own noses. I presume your parents, like mine, are boomers. So many of them come with a massive sense of entitlement and ego. They want to do what they want to do at all times. F everyone else.
They had people who catered to them, looked after their kids for free, etc. but when it comes to paying it forward, they run for the hills. They don't know how hard parenting really is. Like someone already mentioned, if they didn't parent you, then you can't expect them to grandparent your kids.
We also look after our 2 young toddlers on our own. That's just how it is. We've simply come to accept that our own parents will never measure up to our fabulous grandparents. What we can change is how we parent, and make sure we don't ever turn into our parents.
Very well put, and you described my parents perfectly. I gradually let go of any expectations over the past few years, which helped immensely. It’s truly their loss but who knows if they will ever realize it.
I have started stepping up my parenting game and take the kids to visit my in-laws and cousins whenever possible - all of whom love playing, joking, and offering wisdom. We also make an effort to make new family friends and get to know our neighbors. Teaching our kids about community and caring for others is important and a foundation for their future.
My mom is in a cult, my dad bailed. We never bonded as he was minimally there, any bond dissipated into my adulthood. My mom is not allowed to see outsiders.
My partner’s mom died at age 10, her dad remarried quickly, started a new family, and didn’t know how to give her attention, but somehow did his other kids.
Our kids are now 14 and 9, and we never get a break. But we give it everything we’ve got and we’re getting them on their feet in a way that was never done for us... we’re bloody tired though!
I hope you get some of the peace you need!
I didn't realize there's a cult that doesn't allow outside visitors, regardless of family relationship. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Hi, I'm so curious and intrigued. What cult is your mom in? Im sorry if you don't want to answer -this is so interesting to me.
Jehovah’s Witnesses. It’s real suffocating to grow up in, they teach you everyone outside is under influence of the devil. They teach you you’ll live forever unless you leave. They teach you that you won’t remember any nonbelievers you loved on the other side, which makes them try at every opportunity to rope family members in. It’s real fucked.
There’s a new podcast investigating into the corruption of the organisation called “call bethel”
Her last communication was admitting she regretted not seeing me again over the last few years nor making an effort with her grandkids... like it’s decided or it’s too late. Yet we’re all still here and alive.
It’s a bummer!
Oh I know all about Charles Russell and the JH. My granny is a JH.
While it is a legit cult, traditional witnesses live work and play with outsiders. They don't marry or should not marry outside of JH and they don't celebrate certain holidays / birthdays, but my grandma has a relationship with me. The cult doesn't forbid family relationships. She can still have a relationship with his kids. That's not forbidden.
They strongly advise against mixing with disfellowshipped/ex-members, and say it’s a threat to their good standing with god.
I unfortunately having being raised in it and left, fall into that category.
Thank you, I hope as they get older, they will be less tiring
I hear you. My parents are narcissistic, and my MIL helps my SIL way more due to her husband working abroad all the time, so it feels super unfair to me. But it is what it is. Can't rely on either set.
It sounds more like expectations that you have. That you know your parents got a break, but aren’t willing to do the same for you so you will get a break. It’s unfortunate and you can try asking your parents for help.
I definitely get envious over others who have a lot of family support. Me and my husband both have cut off our mothers(they are abusive) and our fathers both have passed away.
We have absolutely no family around. None.
Other than being envious of others, I just deal with never getting a break. We chose to have a baby, it's our responsibility to take care of them. Noone else's.
When your kids get older, they can go to a babysitters or a friend's house. It gets easier when they are in school. You will make parent friends that have kids who will help out and take your kids so you can go on a date.
My youngest is 6 and she has never spent a night away from me. It's hard but you just gotta accept your responsibilities. It'll get easier with time.
I definitely get envious over others who have a lot of family support.
Me too!! Me too! A co-worker told me her mom picks up her daughter from school. Every day!
I do drop off and pick up and every thing else. I've embraced it but damn damn damn raising kid(s) is exhausting as hell.
Neither my wife's nor my parents help out with our kids. They don't want to. My guess is that they feel like they already did their part in raising us (they obviously had help from their parents) and now they are done raising kids. Now they just spend their days getting angry at TV news and saying how angry they are on Facebook. Well my parents at least. My wife's parents still work.
My husband and I haven’t spoken to our mothers in 3+years, a lot of unchecked mental illness. My dad and step mom could care less to see their grandkids. Haven’t seen them in 7months, never babysat. My oldest is 6yo and they live 30 min away.
Imo it’s not entitled to need help caring for children. Humans weren’t meant to raise kids independently, our survival was dependent on family communities for the whole of human existence. This doing it alone shit is impossible but we do it.
Also these same parents will 100% expect to be catered to as they age. Being driven to doctor appointments, assistance with meds, groceries, admissions to the hospital for illness/falls, general elder care as they age. I’ve worked in a lot of care homes/hospitals. No one ages alone, most average people won’t have enough money to hire help as they age, assisted living homes are outrageously expensive and most want to stay in their homes anyways and will require assistance to do so. The sentiment generally if you say well my aged parents aren’t entitled to my help as they age is met with disgust. “They raised you!” “How could you abandon them, they need you!” Like let’s just gloss over how I needed you too at one point and was met with, “I raised my kids.” Parenting doesn’t stop at 18yo. Imo it’s expected to give your children your time and attention. Why do we ignore that eventually one day you’ll have 50/50 chance of having grandchildren who will also benefit from the time and attention from others inside their family other than mom and dad. It shouldn’t be viewed as entitled. It should be viewed as a kindness, a privilege, and a natural responsibility to bringing children into the world.
Nothing at all, it’s a big reason why we only had one kid — if one of us needs a break, the other one gives it to them. If we both need a break, we pay for it or swap childcare with a friend.
you are not alone.
my oldest is 14, and I also have an 8th month old. Gramma has watched baby a few times now but with my firstborn??? I can count on one hand the number of times i ever once had a sitter for him. there was even one time I had tickets to go to a concert with a co-worker, I had to call a buddy who lived an hour away and pay them to watch my 3 year old WHILE THREE ADULTS IN MY FAMILY WERE HOME AND DOING NOTHING!! so i get it. it sucks.
I think this is around expectations s and how things have changed. My mum couldn't possibly look after my kids due to age. Where my grandma didn't work and was younger and therefore more able to look after me as a child.
Maybe you need to ask if they can have your kids overnight every 3 months so you can have some time. Or find another parent who you can swap with now and then. Unfortunately it's part of being parent.
Good luck man. Take it one day at a time. It sucks to have to budget for child care for a night out or even have to consider and budget for paying for childcare for a trip.
It's expensive. I take off work using sick or vacay time to live my best life.
Reading these comments makes me realize that my parents and Inlaws are amazing. These comments also make me realize that some families are full of assholes. I said what everyone was thinking. People are full of hate and bitterness. OP is better if not having his children around these assholes who call themselves family.
I had a party yesterday. This couple came that I'd not met before.
Their infant daughter cried a lot. As much as my twin infants cried.
I could see how tired they were. They snapped at each other. I took the mom out to the front of my house and pushed her on a swing that hangs from a tree. She was enjoying it. But her husband looked on, miserably.
Apparently, the baby only stops crying while nursing - will not even use a bottle. So no one can babysit for them, ever.
For whatever reason, mom decided she was going to ween the baby from breastfeeding this weekend, while she was partying! Mom was in key west for a girl's trip while her husband visited his sister (my friend) in Michigan.
The baby refused to drink a bottle. So my friend breastfed her. Baby wasn't satisfied. After 3 days of not peeing, my friend said, "either you fly here right now or im going to the emergency room with the baby for dehydration."
So she flew in.
I tried to help. I told them I am completely comfortable with hanging around a crying baby. I'll try all my tricks to stop the crying, while you two go have a margarita.
That baby is going to cry anyway. Might as well let me deal with it for a while? But they didn't want to put that stress on me (I remember that same feeling.)
Offered some wisdom. Gave her tips we used. But man, they were drowning in it - they had so much contempt for each other (I also remember that same feeling.).
I cannot imagine not having any support. My in laws live with us (which at times can present it’s own challenges) and my parents are very involved as well. I know we are very lucky.
What I can’t imagine is grandparents not wanting to spend time with their grandchildren. That completely blows my mind. When we take our son on outings for the day and come home my MIL greets him like she hasn’t seen him in days. I can understand not wanting to take grandkids every weekend but never seeing them when you have every chance to? Not offering to watch them for a couple of hours? I don’t understand that at all.
😂😂 this is so funny.
Times have changed my friend. My parents have never ever babysat my son. I only have time a part from him when he's with his dad or at school and I'm at work.
All I can tell you is..take a day or two or three off from work while the kids are in school/daycare and use those hours to treat yourself 🤣.
Same boat! My folks pawned me off to anyone that would take me!! Now my mother tells me she won’t ever agree to watch my kid and MIL is too buy help SIL raise her kids to even spend time with her grandson and us. I feel bad that my kid will have very few close family members outside our immediate family. But thems the breaks.
Did you ask them and they refused or do you expect them to offer?
I understand how overwhelming things are now with 1 and 4 year old, exactly the difference my kids have. I'm from the culture and family where people help with childcare all the time. It's always about meeting halfway figuratively speaking. Some grandparents will watch one kid but can't handle two. Sometimes people can watch kids in their home but can't travel, etc, etc.
Just wondering, do they expect you to be hands on whenever they are elderly? I get not wanting to do the grandparent thing but also see elderly parents expecting kids to drop their own families and help them if they are disabled. Then surprise when kids don’t feel obligated to care for a elderly parent who never helps them.
Similar situation. I'm afraid we live in a world where everyone is busy with themselves. Luckily we are raising a kid we love to hang with so he comes everywhere with us. If we need a date night we call a friend or sitter. We are all on our own and the world is becoming less and less connected.
Have you asked them to have the kids? Or are you hoping they will ask to have them?
We have asked many times and there is always an excuse like ‘we have golf the next day, we haven’t got the room (both live in 5 bed houses), we need to walk the dog etc
My family are the same. Was a huge kick in the teeth when my MIL was practically running to help my BIL's exes dog when they split up but us with three kids don't get a break ever.
Similar situation here. Both sets of grandparents are interested in principle, and they are all retired, but when it comes down to actually getting in the car and coming to see us, other things are more important: playing in the band, driving the community bus, Ukulele practice. We don't even really ask for help, just to see them, but the effort is almost entirely one-sided. Our little one is nearly four and we have not had a single night without him\*, and he's been looked after solely by grandparents for, I'd guess, a total of 10 hours.
We went to visit my parents recently and they agreed, beforehand, they'd look after him for the afternoon so we could do something. Come about 2pm they both just went for a nap, leaving me with little one. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with him -- but we'd specifically agreed they'd do it for a bit.
We try as hard as we can, we really do. I think it's a pity he doesn't get to spend more time with them, and I'd quite like a break, but we've literally run out of ideas and just come to accept it.
\*This is already getting a bit long but for fairness, the reason he hasn't spent the night is because we don't feel comfortable letting him do it, having spent so little time with them. We want them to look after him a bit before he spends the night. We just can't seem to make that happen.
I have a friend that is the world's best uncle. He is with his niece and nephew all the time. Takes them to baseball games. Builds skateboard ramps with them.
They are his little sidekicks.This guy should seriously teach a class on being an uncle.
My brother, not so much. Lol. I wish he did. But what can you do?
Luckily for me, my narc mother has turned out to be the absolute best grandma ever - she takes my kids for an indefinite amount of time! Drop them off Wednesday. I might check in on Sunday to see if everything is going well. They stay a few more days - usually come home because they miss their cats. Lol
They do exciting things every single day. Could be an art festival. Horse riding. Going to a symphony. Fishing. Gardening.
She washes all their clothes, so I don't even deal with the laundry when they get home.
... I would have never dreamed my single mother could be this great. But here she is, and she is amazing.
Meanwhile, my inlaws sat us down for a meeting when we moved back to town. They explained that they would not be babysitters and they were not to be treated as such. The whole conversation made me rage - but I just smiled and nodded.
Can you imagine going to your kids house to make this speech to them? They're nuts. We all are. Fuck em!
Your in laws sound exactly the same as my in laws. They did the exact same thing.
You are very fortunate to have such a great mother, she sounds amazing
Similar situation here.
My mother in law is the only person who helps out, and that's still pretty rare as she works fulltime and has her own busy life.
My mum wants absolutely nothing to do with the grand kids, she was a fairly absent parent too so it's not surprising. My Dad can't even keep his own shit together, there's no way he could care for a young child. My brother is a mess from being raised by them, so if he visits its like having an extra child (he's a lovely person, just he doesn't know how to help out, and he has ADHD so basic stuff is hard for him generally).
Some people just don't want to be involved with raising kids. That's probably why you got shipped off every weekend.
My mum didn't have much help when I was young, and he attitude is "I managed without help, so can you".
It sucks. It really does suck so much.
Even my ex, who is the parent of my two older kids, doesn't want much to do with them. My partner and I have been bedridden with gastro, and I asked if he could take **his** kids for an hour or two yesterday, just so they weren't stuck in front of the TV feeling bored. He works from home, chooses his own hours and lives 2 minutes away. He refused, because "I have work". My partner has taken soooo many days off work for these kids, for appointments, to care for them when they're ill, etc. Their own Dad didn't even want to take an hour for them. It's heartbreaking. (He did eventually agree to take one of the kids out during his lunch break). He also expects to not have to have them on "his" weekends if he has plans.
A break would be nice. Feeling like I have a safety net or a support network would be nicer. My partner and I are it for these kids. If something happens to us, who will be there for them? That stress is worse than not having a break.
Edit: literally 5 minutes after writing this, I heard a knock at the door. A mum from school sent a surprise baking package. Completely lifted my spirits and turned my day around! If we don't have a village, we have to build one xx
Why don’t you ask them?
Same same, but our parents are a grab bag of old, crazy, selfish, and busy supporting sick partners/parents. Aunts and uncles have no kids themselves and don’t think they have the skills. With COVID, we haven’t made many parent connections (even just to get babysitter referrals). It’s hard, you guys are not alone. ❤️
For us my parents were older when we started having kids, dh's mom is not in our lives and his dad didn't raise him. My sister lived out of town and we had 3 kids and no one wants to take them. Our old nanny who is my friend is the only one to take them all over night, 3 times. My mom would occasionally take one overnight, but that wasn't often. Now the kids are teens and we're going away for 4 nights together in October!
Me and my husband almost missed out on our honeymoon as well because we couldn't find someone to take care of our daughter for a few days. We live 5 minutes away from both of my parents (divorced), yet it was my MIL that drove 15 hours from Texas to help us. It's simple, but sad, but the truth it some parents care and some just don't.
Same. My oldest is 7 and I can count on both hands how many nights they have stayed overnight somewhere. If we do get someone to watch them it's only for a few hours so we can grocery shop in peace. I was passed around like a joint as a kid but apparently family isn't the same anymore. We just grind through it, even though it's more than annoying. It puts a lot of stress on our relationship but has also given us a bond with the kids I never had as a kid.
In my experience, parents that are good finding care for their kids are not the people that want to babysit.
I have had a handful of child free nights in 12 years. However, we don't have retired grandparents. I frequently have my nephew here. My kids never get invited there.
solidarity on the the lack of alone time. i was put in the foster system at 16, got adopted at 17. love my new family, but i’m really only close with my mom & 2 sisters. one is in college & the other in the Navy. the only time my mom has watched LO was when we had to go to the hospital. part of it is my fault because i still get bad anxiety about it. she also lives a town over, drive isn’t awful (30 minutes) but the fear of forgetting something or them just needing something else & it being an hour trek there & back is just blah. maybe when LO is older & doesn’t need everything but the kitchen sink it’ll be easier.
Sorry but this is entitlement and a lethal mixture of expectation.
Yes they are your parents and they love you. But as you’ve rightly noted, they have a life, one that they clearly wish to focus on. If they wish to babysit fantastic, but it not, we should not be shaming them because at no point did they make the babies with you.
Your children are yours and only yours. If your parents were to try and educate your children their way, would you let them? Most will say no, because they are not the parents, yet there’s an expectation for them to help out whenever you guys feel like it. Nope that’s not how it works.
I’m sorry you’re tired but Yhep that’s what it is to be a parent. And your parents are not at fault for not taking the heavy load of you that you chose to put on yourself.
Sorry no sympathy for you. They are your kids. They are your responsibility. Your parents already raised you. Now they get to enjoy themselves. Watching your kids every weekend is not enjoyable to them.
People who take advantage of others in their time of need (pawning off their kids whenever possible) and then don’t pay it forward are jerks.
He's talking about just now and again, not every weekend. Hardly a big ask is it?
Expecting it is. Being a parent is 24/7.
Expecting it yes. But that's not what this post is about. It's about feeling let down.
Tl;dr distance is hard and people prioritize what is important to them.
Yes, and I had a lot of resentment about it that I've let go of finally. We moved away from where all of my family is many years ago, had babies while both working and raised them almost entirely without in-person contact from either my wife's or my family. We could generally expect a once per-year visit from my mil, who is not a hands on grandmother. My stepmother and father never came to visit together once, though my stepmom came out alone 3-4 times and was super helpful when she did. My mother came to visit once when the kids were 6 and 7, she's now deceased.
We regularly packed up the kids and travelled to our respective hometowns thousands of miles away, paid for airfare, sometimes lodging, meals etc at least once yearly to two locations and we had a standing invitation to buy plane tickets for whomever wanted to come out, whenever.
In the end we grew our own tribe, had an au pair for a couple years (we had a great cultural exchange experience) and cultivated a deep bench of trusted babysitters from the college my wife worked at so we could get alone time.
No one in either of our families has ever watched our kids without us for more than a couple hours - not our choice.
Obligatory, our kids are "normal", there's no obvious reason for the lack of involvement from our parents, who are otherwise deeply involved in the lives of local grandkids.
As many others here in the comments we also have no support. Not really because our family doesn't want to but because they live just that bit too far away.
The fact that your families out right refuse to help you is quite rough thought.
My only advice would be to not bother spending too much energy on them either. That family dinner you don't really wanna go to... Don't go
I feel like we're living the same lives haha. Early 30's UK 2 boys 4yo and 9mo - 0 grandparent help but we live miles away from my parents and my husband doesn't speak to his parents. I distinctly remember being told that his asshole father said to a friend "I'm not retiring so I can babysit for my son who was stupid enough to have a baby." Although we weren't packed off every weekend (well, I wasn't but my husband probably was) I do remember my grandparents having a lot of involvement... our 4yo is a handful (suspected adhd) and has a speech delay, if he doesn't like you he's not attempting to talk to you so it's tough finding anyone to watch him. My mum won't offer to watch him when we visit because her boyfriend doesn't like him and she actually went around at our wedding telling people having kids was her biggest regret. My dads ace but he works a lot and he also lives miles away as I said.
I mean, if your parents didn't want to look after you guys when you were kids is it really that surprising that they don't want to watch their grandkids? I'd be more inclined to ask my siblings (if you have any) to watch them! Or even ask them to take one kid each, it's easier and they feel like they're getting more attention then.
It's this issue that makes me reconsider having a biological child. My husband and I have my 9 year old stepson. Our families live far. We live here because of the court order with his ex and obviously we want as much time with our kid as possible. But no friends or families for hours and hours. I'm legitimately worried we couldn't make another kid work without a village of even one.
I have 7F and 11 monthsF, I was driven straight from school to my grandma's every Friday as a child, I'm NC with both of my parents so that's completely out of the question but my mother used to have my 7 year old quite often like maybe once every 6 weeks until my nephew came along then she didnt get a look in. My in-laws sometimes have her over for a sleepover but can't have the 11 month old until their dog dies (their dog is also 7) because she's severely allergic to fur, we just have to give each other a break occasionally but I do grieve our relationship a little even though I adore our kids, we just cant do couple things without the kids.
Our kids rarely spent a night at grandparents. And we rarely (almost never) ask for help. My husband and I have the same mentality - we chose to have these kids and they are our own responsibility, no one else. We knew it would be hard when we decided to move to the next state over.
How about getting a babysitter? We didn't get a sitter until our kids were 5 and 6, although we don't use a sitter often, but once in a while when we just want to have a dinner date or something.
That’s on you friend
It's been nearly 8 years and my husband and I have never been out without our kids. We've never had help, and our family is just not the kind who either can or wants to watch our kids. It's horrible.
And the grandparents complain about not seeing their grandkids enough at the same time.
Your expectations are too high. Kinda shitty that your parents shipped you off every weekend. Why do you want to ship your kids off? Can’t you just have a date night and hire a sitter? Your kids are so young. It benefits them zero by sleeping away from their parents.
Wanting one night away from your kids is hardly shipping them off. I don’t even think they expect anything really, think they are just tired and wanting help from someone they trust.
I want to ship my kid off because being a parent is exhausting, tedious, and mentally, emotionally, physically, intellectually draining.
And every so often, I like to go to the pub with my husband and not worry about coming home drunk/having loud sex.
It takes me a solid 2-3 nights away from my child for my nervous system to relax and for me to be able to shift out of hyperaware mom mode.
Don’t shame parents for needing a break.
In the 9.5 years I've been a mother, I've never had one night child free. I guess it's hard for people like me to understand others complaining about not getting a break. Some people just don't have that choice. I would love a break but it just isn't happening without family around. I don't mind though, I'll happily have them home every night until they are both old enough to go to a friend's for the night. Im not shaming anyone, just offering my perspective. I'm sure if I had trusted people to take them, I would take advantage of it.
You say you’re not shaming them but your two first sentences say otherwise.
Then you admit it would be nice to have a break recognizing breaks would improve your situation somehow.
You have some weird justifications for your martyr complex.
Some of us have trauma that makes it harder to parent. Some of us are neurodivergent. Some of us just get overstimulated and haven’t been fortunate enough to access therapy, medication, a partner to lean on.
Just because you’re some saint who doesn’t want to admit they would greatly benefit from a break and that not having one in almost 10 year is really hard, doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t want to show up authentically.
I’m not trying to ship them off for their benefit, it’s for us to have a little break, a honeymoon specifically.
You decided to have the children. They are your responsibility. It's not down to anyone other than mummy and daddy to babysit. Maybe if you offered them £1000 they would do it. Or maybe you could ask and they might be kind and do you a favour. But you shouldn't be angry because people are not doing you favours. Are you doing them favours? Are you cooking and cleaning for them too or do you just expect them to take on that extra work for your sake?
Sorry if this sounded rude and in your face... It wasn't really intended to be mean but half way through writing I realised it was just easier to get my point across like that... Sorry if you found it offensive. But yeah don't hate because people are not going out of their way to help you... Be greatful and appreciate if they do something.. but if they are just standing on the sidelines.. then that's neutral and you should neither be grateful nor hateful. If they are actively making your life harder then yeah be pissed but otherwise I don't see why they should do anything.. other than maybe advice. You should be fully capable of raising your children by yourself..
Username fits. God forbid parents get a break.
I don’t necessarily disagree but I hope my kids never think they have to do me any favors in exchange for me to be there for them. I decided to have them, they are my responsibility, that doesn’t end when they grow up.
My doors will always be open to my kids, their kids, and their kids too G-d willing I’m still alive.
If you have you apologize for being offensive, you’re being offensive. Parents are allowed to be upset that their parents got more support and don’t help them. It’s upsetting that there’s no longer a family structure of support and that the grandparents don’t see it.
Parents are allowed to have a break.
“It takes a village” used to be a pretty established phrase almost everyone agreed on. Everyone worked together to look out for the kids when I was growing up. Even neighbors and such looked out for each other.
I think a big problem is that us parents have become very protective, and not for no reason. Many of us would appreciate the help, but only under our own terms. If we demand that care is provided in a specific way, which we often do, then it’s babysitting and should be paid for. Part of “it takes a village” is actually trusting the village and allowing them to participate in raising the kid(s), and it’s something many parents have a hard time with.
Edit: I don’t really know where I was going with that, just thinking on Reddit lol
Ya i can totally get that perspective.
My parents aren’t involved with my son unless i beg and even then they are too busy. I tried to ask my dad to take him for a day while i did a work event and he tried to take him to his house with his wife who doesn’t allow him to have his older children over because we’re not apart of their family (according to her and my dad has no backbone). I couldn’t go to the house where my child was going so i cancelled my work event.
My mom only sees my kid via FaceTime and the one time she comes to town per year he’s too scared to go with her even though we try. She’s an alcoholic but has been good on her visits with him.
I try to trust the village but i have to beg for it and it becomes not worth it.
I’ve definitely gotten a better job to afford more childcare help while i go through school to get an even better career to set us up. I reach out to local mom groups and try to attend any parent meet ups i can to build the village. We have 3 moms who are getting closer and relying on each other little by little.
You bring up great points. It’s hard to break generational cycles while trusting those who perpetuate them, but maybe that can be part of the healing or it’s a wake up call to get creative with your village
I agree that it’s nuanced. Another thing I’ll add, there was less need for parents to beg for help when there was a “village” in the first place. I didn’t always end up at my grandmas or even a family members house, sometimes I’d just be hanging out with friends at their house or even at the park. Overall the standards for “supervision” were much lower, making “watching the kids” a lot easier to agree to.
It probably helped that my parents and their generation were mostly blissfully ignorant of some of the horrors of the world, given the lack of social media and technological advances in delivering bad news.
That is such a valid point
"If we demand that care is provided in a specific way, which we often do, then it’s babysitting and should be paid for."
Omygosh your have a point here. I've noticed on Reddit parents complaining that their parents can't watch their kids anymore because they gave them candy or kept them up night or allowed them to play video games all day.
😂 These people get the support I could only dream of. My son has a specific diet and we don't own a tablet or phone or video game for him in my household, BUT if I had a supportive trusted system that gave me a break and also for gave my son candy and video games than so be it. Is he fed, healthy, loved, and alive when I pick him up? Yes! Okay when I can drop him off again? 😂
And it's not just the angle of getting a break. My grandmother was one of my favorite people in the world. Every weekend I got to go to her house was an absolute treat. Those are moments I cherish so dearly. The next generation of kids that we're currently raising likely won't have those memories that I got to have. They won't get to hear stories from when their grandparents were young and gain that wisdom and perspective.
For me, I know that if we lived closer to my parents or in-laws, we would have the same support our parents had, and our kids would have those close relationships with them. It's not their fault we live several states away. But I can't imagine living in the same city with my kids' grandparents and having to realize that your parents just don't care about being active in their lives or helping to make sure you get time to decompress. Your role as a parent doesn't end once your kids are adults and have kids of their own. (This isn't a condemnation of grandparents who CAN'T help because they are still working full time, which is sadly very common for boomer grandparents.)
Yes totally agree with you. I grew up around uncles and aunts and cousins and grandparents and my kid doesn’t get that experience at all minus my brother and sister who don’t have kids and aren’t around all the time.
I take care of my maternal grandparents who are 86, too, and my mom chooses to live across the country because she doesn’t want to live in the same place as my dad (or that what she’s tells me). So instead she chooses to leave me to raise her only grandkid alone while going through school and working full time and caring for her parents. My siblings don’t have time to help with the grandparents much either.
Also my dad lives here and doesn’t help. He says I’m an adult and wanted to have this kid and he needs to focus on his family with my stepmom and their child, because the child is still a minor.
They both grew up with very involved parents who helped them with us tremendously but they both seem to have forgotten and are just extremely selfish.
My best friends parents are more of grandparents to my child then his blood ones. That’s a blessing and also sad.
Thanks for having this discussion with me
You're right. My parents were born in 1965 their parents watched me and spent time with me all the time. I loved my paternal grandma so much and have fond memories of her.
My sons grand parents aren't like my grandparents. Something has gone terribly wrong.
Yeah to be honest. I wrote the comment and then immediately wanted to apologize for any offense. However I still think my point is valid. However it could have been worded with more sensitivity. And parents do deserve a break and it's not healthy to be overwhelmed with stress. I just think it isn't down to grandparents or anyone else. Like the mother can give the father a night off. And vice versa. They can still have a break. Just not together until the child goes to school. But that's part of parenting. It's putting the child first no matter what.
I also have the same problem. It doesn't make me angry because I haven't really had the best childhood myself and I understood from fairly young that I need to be able to take care of my own shit. I decided to have a child so it is my responsibility. If my mum wants to help then that is great and wonderful because it really is so helpful to have a little break. But I wouldn't be mad at her if she didn't. She is still my mother and she raised me. I have respect for her and I believe she shouldn't have to spend her life raising children just because she decided to have one herself.
I know it's stressful and not having a break is a danger to anyone's mental health. I'm not saying your a bad person I just wanted to make it clear that you shouldn't hate someone for not doing things for you. When they have no responsibility to do so.
If they activity try and make your life harder. Then yeah hate them.
If they don't help. Then be neutral because that's all they are responsible for.
If they are willing to give advice and emotional support, then be grateful
If they are willing to babysit so you can go and party or sit around with your feet up be super grateful because that is way more than any grandparent needs to do.
Again sorry if I offend anyone. But it's the way I feel and if people want to insult me because they disagree with my opinion or for sharing it with people that are asking advice. Then that's on you mate.. let the guy read all the comments. Take it and make up his own mind.. everyone is different and everyone has different expectations from what they want from other people.
All I want from the people in Reddit. Be honest. But try to kind about it. If it sounds offensive. Post it anyway because it's your opinion but put a little disclaimer at the bottom that lets the person know your intent.
I didn't intend to offend anyone. My intent was to give an honest opinion in hopes it helps someone else. So your welcome.
Fair enough. I'll leave it at that. Anyways hope the OP, you and everyone else a happy life and I hope everything gets solved soon.
What do they say when you ask? It’s hard to know why they won’t help without knowing what they’ve told you
Hire a nurse and don’t bother with your parents. If they cared they would already be active . Apparently they want to do what they wish.
Canadian here. We had daycare for our child. We would then take days off on Fridays and go on movie dates or massages like every other month just to have some time for ourselves.
We were married in our early 20s but decided to have a child after 10 years. During that time where it was just the two of us, my parents pestered us to have kids. They said they were ready to be grandparents and cannot wait to have grandchildren that they can spoil. My dad even suggested that I take some herbs to improve my virility (thanks for the support dad). They couldn’t accept that there were couples who actually didn’t want kids.
Fast forward to today. My son is now 6 years old. And since he was a baby, my parents have never offered to watch my son. And they only want him when it’s convenient for them, he is just an afterthought, and I have to bring him to their place. There is no initiative on their part. It seems it was all talk when they said they were excited to be grandparents. And in the rare times that he was with them, he would spend most of his time watching TV.
But at this point, I don’t even have any more expectations that they will change. As for my son, he’s used to not seeing them, I just don’t want him to feel he’s taken for granted.
I mean they're thousands of miles away so I guess it would be asking a lot.
Do you ask for their help?
Just because your parents received help in the past doesn't mean they will give you help. You're not entitled to their help and IMO that's OK. I think they are setting boundaries for themselves that people should respect.
You can call them selfish but selfish is not always a bad thing.
These posts make me sad and so grateful for both my parents who offer me support. I look forward to helping both my children in every possible way that I can when they become parents. I can’t imagine knowing how badly they need respite and not offering it to them, and I also can’t imagine not wanting to spend lots of time with adorable grand babies. I don’t know why so many boomer parents are sucking as grandparents, especially when the majority of the time it appears they definitely had lots of help with their own parenting journeys from their parents! Being a grandparent is such an honour and a privilege. Why would anyone not want to take advantage of finally getting to swoop in for all the fun, cuddles and adorable moments and then be able to give them back??? Best of both worlds.
Man, this is my moment.
Growing up my mom never stfu about how family oriented she is and how growing up it was all nights at grandma's, Sunday dinners at gradnmas, aunts and uncles all helping each other out- a real dandy version of "it takes a village". She would go on and on about how she can't wait to have all her grandkids and hang out with them together.
My oldest sister has one 6yo child and my mom had essentially co patented him since he was 1. Like she literally has him more than my sister does.
My 2nd sister had her first daughter a year ago and from the time she was 2 weeks old until she was about 6mo, my mom LIVED with my sister and still often spends nights there.
My mom has an ongoing schedule with my sisters as to when she watches both my niece and nephew. If she's not with one, she's with the other. My middle sister doesn't work.
Meanwhile, I had my first 2.5 years ago. I've had to cancel and/or reschedule appointments because I can't get 2 hours of my moms time once a month for essential things like OB appointments when I was pregnant with my (now) 2mo, therapy, or dentist appointments or eye exams for my new glasses. I can count on both hands how many times my mom has watched my daughter. She spends absolutely zero time with her. And it fucking pisses me off. It's not even about getting "me time" at this point. It's not even about support. It's about the fact my mom prioritizes her other grandchildren over my daughters.
We don't have help, but it's more that our family can't help rather than won't.
My side of the family lives in a different country, so they're not able to babysit. My partner's side of the family is very small, her mother and her brother. Her mother is the full-time carer for her disabled brother, and she's an elderly woman with all the health issues that come with that. Asking her to regularly take an active toddler is too much for her.
On rare occasions we can drop off our daughter for an hour or two in the day, but I can count those occasions on one hand during the lifetime of my daughter. Evenings out are practically non-starters. We hope to be able to go to a concert later this month but it will all depend on the health of my BIL and MIL on the day. And we fully expect that when we get back to her flat our daughter will still be wide awake as there's nowhere for her to sleep there.
We've never had a childless night. My partner can go away for a weekend if needs be, as can I, but never together.
I feel the generation of people in their 50’s/60s are super selfish (grandparents to your kids today)
Same boat. My dad refuses to even hold my kids let alone watch them. One brother once watched them for 3 hours and loved it but he works 60-80 hours a week so that's not going to happen. On my fiance's side her mother has been begging for us to visit for months so she can watch the kids but is several states away. Finally made it out so we could go to a wedding. Begged us to leave them with her guilt tripping us about ruining her chance to have a relationship with them, called several times a day for weeks to make sure that we are going. Made it through a few hours for the rehearsal dinner the day we got here then would only watch one of our two kids for the wedding. After the wedding it's a hard pass on either kid and we've apparently "overstayed our welcome." Ours are 7 months and 2 years longest we've ever had without them is having the second child. I work from home so I'm never not around them. They aren't bad kids it's just no one will watch them ever so being without us is stressful for them. Her mom's a neonatal nurse and is literally surrounded by screaming kids all day. Watches her other 3 grand children basically the same ages on a regular basis no problem but somehow our kids are a nonstarter, and the prospect of ruining her relationship with them isn't so bad now. Go figure.
Post a picture of the bag or it didn’t happen