For interracial couples how do you as the white parent deal with racism
By - cocainecarolina28
I grew up mixed, my dad a dark latin man and my mom a white Italian born in Canada. She always loved my dad's culture. Learned how to cook his traditional dishes, learned to speak Spanish, our home was always decorated with latin/ native imagery and we always went on family trips to Cuba or mexico. My dad since he didn't have family except his mom in Canada was welcomed into his Italian family with open arms. He learned how to speak Italian and adores my mom's culture also. It was normal for us children to be exposed to both growing up so it never felt like we were more one than the other. My parents never fought about who's family or culture was more important. It felt like an equal blend.
Luckily we didn't experience racism growing up, but we were taught to truly love our heritage and ancestry so even if we did experience racism we knew to be prideful about where we came from and that other people's opinions don't matter.
My husband is Filipino so our son has an extra culture to love. Much like my parents, we blend our sides together. My son will be taught all the languages in our home, learn to appreciate his family history and spend as much time with his grandparents and learn their stories and pass that on. It's truly about appreciating where your partner comes from and making sure your child sees that you both make an effort to love that side. When it comes to being scared of encountering racism, just teach your child to be proud of the colour of their skin, where they come from and to love themselves. Racism is a projection of another person's insecurities. Confidence and self love will only make you child fight hate with love
I rain hellfire. As the white parent, and the mother, if someone is being racist to my husband or kids I can say or do pretty much whatever I need to get my point across without being called loud or aggressive or a racial slur like my Latino husband would be. The worst I've ever been called is a Karen. As for teaching my kids about racism, I've left that talk mostly to my husband.
What about your the less blatant stuff.
Like you're at the store with your teen, clearly y'all have been in the same aisles, talking, picking products, etc. And you get to the register, set stuff down, your teen is lagging by just a second choosing gum and sets their product on the counter next to yours. And the clerk scans stuff in, then looks at you "are you together?".
I wanna say "I know you have been watching us together for the last 10 minutes, yes we're together, she's clearly a child here with her parent. You wouldn't have said anything if the kid was white. I know because I have been shopping with white kids that clearly weren't my children since age 16 and no one bat's an eye."
But I simply say "yes, together, of course." or to my daughter "you paying for that yourself?"
She is mixed but passes for black. She looks like her father had no help making her.
Do you call that shit out? I don't want to make scene uncomfortable for my kid but I also just wanna be ignorant sometimes.
I get asked if my son is with me all the time. I always say "he's 5, who else would he be with?" and if they push it I ask "why do you assume he isn't with me?". If they say we don't look alike I point out that he has my eyes and he is a 5 year old. When he gets to teenage years I'll probably say the same thing, minus the part about him being 5. I find passive aggression to be a good starting point and if they keep at it, just be outright aggressive "he's my kid. Whether you believe that or not is not of consequence to me, because it does not change that he is my son. Jog on."
Not due to race, but this happened to me and my (step) dad a lot. He looks very gruff (think ex-marine/biker with a beard) and we would get asked this kind of thing all the time. He loves to troll people so he’d usually say “who her? I just found her in the dumpster outside.” People’s mouths would hang open and they’d be speechless. We still joke about it, and I’m in my 30s.
Yeah. She's my stepdaughter so I can't point out features, though I should sarcastically say "don't we look alike?" (people always claim they can see me and my stepdads resemblance and we don't look alike). I never had people say anything when she was younger, but I guess she's starting to maybe possibly look like she could be out of the house alone?
We always laugh about it in the car, but I think I'm going to start just calling it out that way too. Of course we're together, she's 14!
Please start calling it out because you might not notice what it means to her to have you stand up for her. She will look back on it and be grateful for that . Also talk to her and get how she feels about it
This is my thought to. There are times I wanna embarrass her, but not for that. So I wasn't sure if I should have called it out or not. I did mention about calling it out to see if she had an opinion. But I didn't ask directly if she thought I should. We do talk about it and laugh about it. But you're right, next time, I'll make light of it.
I get asked “is he your real son?”
“Does he look plastic?” 🙄
Omg you got a genuine laugh out of me that is funny
What is there to call out in that situation?
In the situation you just laid out, if I had witnessed you call out a perceived racism I would have thought you were being unreasonable.
So you think that when I was 16, in the store with a 8 year old, and someone said something about me being the child's mother, that is normal?
But me, being almost 40, with a young teen, talking to them, interacting with them, but then asking 'if we're together' isn't at all because our skin doesn't match? ok, play naive if you wanna.
I don’t know what you’re talking about in the first paragraph.
Couldn’t it just have been the clerk wanting to know if she should ring you up together or separately?
Also I fully expect that your kids skin color played into the situation what I don’t understand is why that would upset you. I mean if it was a parent teacher conference I could see why you would expect the assumption that you’re the mother, but in this situation you have to know that you don’t look like your child so The assumption that your mother and child is not As readily assumed.
So, typically, you go to the store, interact with some random child the entire time you're there and then walk to the counter and check-out with them in tow? And they set their stuff on the counter and look at you with questioning eyes to ask if they can get a pack of gum, nod yes, as they put that on the counter? Weird. Where are their parents?
It's obvious we were together.
Where do you live?
We are an interracial couple. I'm Asian and my husband is white. Our two oldest are my husband's bio kids from his first marriage and they are white. Our younger two are mixed race Asians. It has never been a problem or something either of us had to deal with.
Second this, it really depends on where you are. I'm Asian and my husband is British and in the UK nobody bats an eyelid if you're mix or not. While racism still exists it's not as prevalence or severe as some other country. My daughter looked more European whilst my son looked more Asian. Sometimes people mistake me for the nanny but that's the extend of it.
I'm also in UK. I'm white, husband is Latino. Can I ask which region you are in? I only ask because my husband and I get shit about it constantly, and our kids do, too.
I'm eurasian and grew up in Australia. I never experienced much racism until I went to the UK. It was pretty gross, I've noticed people say Australians are very racist so I wonder if we just don't notice the racism we're accustomed to.
Vancouver Canada. Same here, zero problems.
My daughter is Asian & white, but the majority of racially tinged comments we get are people thinking they are complimenting her ("she's so exotic" "where did you get her from [assuming she is adopted]" "are you teaching her Mandarin [because apparently Asian = Chinese; something that especially annoys my husband).
We experienced some racism towards my husband (his old boss always calling him Chinese, even putting a Chinese flag on his desk and saying "ching chong" to him...but that guy was a dick in general). When covid started, he brought sushi to the office for everyone & his boss warned people not to eat it because of covid. There have been a few passive aggressive actions by strangers in public, but thankfully nothing violent or overtly malicious.
When she gets older, we will have more frank discussions about what racism looks like (even "benign" forms, like assuming she will be good at math). For now, we introduce childrens books that feature racially inclusive themes & characters, buy her toys that are diverse (Little People of all shades with nonwhite names) and promote body positivity.
Adults should know better, but we try to approach things as teaching moments because racism tends to be bourne of ignorance--gently correct when people misidentify, call out hurtful comments, and ask questions to produce accountability ("why did you say that?" Usually short circuits people).
It's sad that racism is so prevalent, but the tide is turning, and the more representation minorities have, the more we chip away at white supremacist bubbles that try to otherize our families.
I’m sorry but has your partner ever reported their boss? that’s unacceptable behavior
I urged him to, but he didn't want to make more trouble for himself (former boss was very vindictive & politically connected). Husband just ended up finding a better job
Your husband should of spoke to an attorney about that kind of abuse in the workplace.
I really urged him to, but he was afraid it would put his immigration status in jeopardy if he lost the job (former boss was very vindictive--he once bought the house his GF's ex lived in just so he could evict him)
In an ideal world, we have the time, energy, and financial resources to fight discrimination, or at least hold it accountable without fear of retribution. In reality, we are constantly choosing our battles and being "the bigger person".
Im sure you've found yourself in a situation where you had to just walk away from a relentless bigot to maintain your safety.
If it were me, Id like to say Id fight, but trying to view his circumstances through my (white) perspective felt inappropriate, so I bit my tongue after trying to get him to act.
Yeah I feel ya, it just makes you so angry that people get away with it. Truth is karma is a real thing whether that karma is paid in this life or the next. Your definitely right about picking battles.
Shut it down just like you should if you see it happening to someone else in public. Call out the person who's being racist. Stand up for the person experiencing racism. Talk to your kids about it and build them up as much as you can to help counteract the negativity they will receive in the world.
Mostly we just ignore it. There hasnt been any outright racism towrds us but we are “shocking” to some. My husband is mixed black/white and I am white. Our oldest is his mini me and exactly what you would think a mixed race child would look like. However, our youngest is whiter than white, strawberry blonde straight hair, and bright blue eyes. I don’t even have blue eyes! The blue eyes genes were from my husband’s grandfather and my dad. Most importantly for my kids they have the same facial features. They were nearly identical babies and the black and white photos are hard to tell which is which. So when we go out and people see us we get A LOT of comments asking if my husband is the dad to both. Which most seem curious but some have had a very accusatory tone to them. We politely answer questions and then just move on with our day.
Well first you learn how pervasive and systemic anti-black racism is.
If you're saying this in a "it really opens your eyes" kind of way, I get it. I don't have mixed raced children, but I have learned a lot about systemic racism through aging and observing and through acquiring my sociology degree. It is pervasive and it can be hard for others to fully understand-I'm sure that even at my best, my understanding is incomplete and flawed.
Not sure if your comment is being misunderstood or what.