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voombro

An apology without change is just Manipulation. Read this over again and again.


throwawaymuslim58

Thanks for this.


Asalaf-mia

Well tbh… this sounds crazy. You should consider whether you want to spend the rest of life with a man who mixes freely with women. Also ask yourself what type of man Allah swt wants you to have, and it’s definitely not a man who speaks to non mahrems freely let alone has intimate pictures of them on his phone. Think about your future and please choose wisely. Me I would run, run far away from a man who doesn’t even fear Allah.


[deleted]

If a man is choosing other women over the woman he married it’s time you choose yourself. Do what brings you peace , and what you feel is right, personally having friends of the opposite gender and talking to them / initiating conversations etc whilst married is extremely wrong. Obviously his friends mean more to him than his marriage. Ask him if he would be okay with you conversing with men in a similar way he does with other women and what he would do. You’ll have an answer there


throwawaymuslim58

Yeah this story is so messed up. This is literally why free mixing is haraam, even if it doesn't lead to zina or anything like that, it can still cause so much fitnah. Smh on husband. Down bad.


Muslimah_18

Girl here listen to me this Man U call husband doesn’t seem to be fulfilling the duty of a husband in Islam leave him


Holiday_Sound_8103

Run girl run no matter what happened he will cheat on you if you don’t run leave he will abuse u physically and mentally.


PersonalDocument6339

Honestly I don’t think this marriage is worth saving. He disrespected you multiple times by texting other females and on top of that had a bikini photo of his co worker saved to his camera roll???? This is guy is a CREEP. It’s hasn’t even been long you can find someone better. I can assure you this is not normal behavior. You gave him several chances already and he still went behind ur back. A man like this won’t change it doesn’t matter if he says he’s working on himself


GroundbreakingType80

From how you’re talking you’re not Happy in this marriage and if it causes your peace then you must put yourself first. Marriage is supposed to be amazing and wonderful sure it has ups and downs but these aren’t simple ups and downs I’d say choose yourself first life too short to be dealing with someone that makes you unhappy and freely mixes with women.


Bubbly-Sorbet-4508

You have given him several chances and he hasn’t changed one bit, is it even worth fighting for if he’s not even willing to change? He says he will better himself, but how? He has not made any improvements regarding the women he’s communicating with, he says he will stop but goes back.. Would you feel secure and happy being with a man like this for the rest of your life? Would you want your own future daughter to marry a man like your husband? If you say no to the above two question then I think you need to think about leaving as you deserve so much better than a man who can’t respect you or keep his eyes to himself. You will find someone way better than him, put yourself first sis x


[deleted]

Me and my wife would’ve been divorced one month into it if we didn’t force (ultimatums) change on each other. We both were the definition of a toxic relationship. Now we don’t even recognize the people we used to be. We laugh at the stupid reasons we had to argue “I’m hungry, you don’t scratch my back, you want a second wife(how would I get a second wife when I can’t handle one?? Wants and reality are two different things lmao)”. But that’s what marriage is, two imperfect people working on themselves for the greater good of their future selves/family/kids. If it’s too much to handle by all means throw in the towel. The old you get the more mature both of y’all should become. Golden advice from my dad: if someone else’s crazy makes you crazy then you gotta leave, two crazy people can’t raise a child.


Peachtea_96

He has no shame and doesn't fear Allah. What kind of husband he is? Sis I'm telling you, he will NEVER change. You gave him countless chances and I'm telling you right now, he doesn't care about you.


throwawaymuslim58

Idk about NEVER changing but yeah the husband doesn't seem like the best husband based off what OP said. A lot of guys do struggle with lowering their gaze and stuff but that doesn't mean it should have gone on for this long. I do agree if he REALLY cared he would make more of an effort. Bit random this, but for example myself I'm speaking to a potential at the moment (InshahAllah it goes through cus she's met my family and everything), but just the idea of marrying her is already motivating me to lower my gaze so much more than I already was (Alhamdulillah). I was struggling with it before (I'm a Uni student bare fitnah), but I'd say speaking to this girl (not even being with her), has definitely accelerated the process of completely lowering the gaze. It's definitely a process I know a lot of people who struggle with it especially in this day and age in the same way loads of women struggle with wearing Hijab. However saying that I couldn't imagine having pictures of other women when I'm married 💀💀💀


crypto-99

Doesn't sound like he was religious. My only advice is to give ultimatums that you can stick to. Will pray all works out for you in'sha'Allah


xbabypsycho

lol wow ew. my answer is yes. i wouldn't be able to trust someone with THAT many red flags with other women... the bikini picture of the coworker? yikes. also he keeps unblocking them even after being given the ultimatum, which means he clearly doesn't respect you or the relationship. ugh so disgusting. some people don't change. sounds like he has gotten alot of chances too


Poliwhore

LOL he is actively wanting to cheat but he unable to get women, this is sad and pathetic excuse of a man, leave


PristinePotential

What the hell is wrong with people man?! There’s people like myself literally aching to get married and there’s people like OPs husband throwing such a beautiful blessing away. Seriously OP, please leave this marriage for your own good and sanity. If you cannot trust him, that is the final nail in the coffin for your relationship. My ex-wife did something similar and she was hell bent and adamant that she did nothing wrong(!). It made me realize she was not the right one for me and I ended up getting a divorce. Consider yourself super lucky that there’s no kids involved in your relationship!


ComparisonNo2984

girl, leave him


Muslimah_18

What I was thinking


rizay

So, is it more important that he console you when you cry or not make you cry in the first place? I mean, I guess it’s progress? Picture this continuing for one year. Five years. Ten years. Are you going to be less miserable or more, if this continues? Because it will…


Sickerkoo

Unfortunately he’s not going to change, he simply doesn’t care, that’s it.


xXxStr8ShooterxXx

Hahaha! How did you even meet this loser? He is a certified creep. You SHOULD leave. Do yourself a favor and don’t get pregnant. Make it a clean break and move on. His actions speak for themselves. He doesn’t respect you, and he wants to have access to all the women to stroke his fragile ego.


Qasimfa786

Well you just said it "you don't TRUST" ITS ALREADY KHALASS!!


[deleted]

How come these women marry men with a teenager mentality I see this all the time y’all don’t clarify anything before marrying someone?


Simpledoo

Info: can u explain the scenario on the fidelity thing in the beginning. You said "someone dear to me was involved in fidelity". Did u mean infidelity? And why or how did it effect u?


adastra100

Relationship dynamics with the opposite gender is a critical topic of discussion before marriage. In the west, although it’s unislamic, it’s fairly common Muslim guys/girls having friends of the opposite sex in college and in life in general. I personally wouldn’t mind my wife having guy friends and initiating convos with them as I really don’t get jealous, as long as she doesn’t cheat ofc. My friends that are girls have gotten me through very tough times in my life, and I do not think I would sacrifice my life long friendships for a potential, hence why the discussion is important. Did OP discuss this before marriage?


throwawaymuslim58

Not gonna lie man if you're okay with your wife speaking to random guys you don't know then that's Dayouth Energy. You can learn to have protective jealousy over time, and you're supposed to have it. You're literally letting your wife speak to other random guys like what 💀 this is what leads to cheating and high divorce rates. Why why why does she need attention from other guys in the first place??? And why do you need attention from other girls??? Be honest with yourself. Not being jealous / protective is not good. Don't be fooled by the Western mindsets telling you otherwise (it's controlling etc) because this COMPLETELY contradicts teachings of Islam. Good luck bro 🙏


adastra100

Brother, a few things. Show me where I said random guys. I specifically said friends - you know, the people that you have bonds with, the chosen family you create in your life. And I believe in the Quran it’s says explicitly that jealousy is a very bad thing. You wife is a person with the ability to control her own actions, if your relationship lacks trust so much so that you need to guard her against other men to prevent her from cheating, then I feel bad for you and that’s not a healthy relationship, that’s called ownership. Another thing, I’m not friends with women because I need attention from them, I’m friends with good, honest, supportive people that happen to be women. What is this mindset you have? As a man, why do you need attention from other men (your friends)? Are you gay? Do you see how silly that sounds? Your friends with them because they are good people. Hope this makes sense.


throwawaymuslim58

Okay my bad mis-read random guys - friends doesn't make it any better though since they are still non-mahram. I think you should look into gender interactions within Islamic limits to find out what is permissible and what is not. Friends come and go. Yes you can have life long friends I'm not saying that's a bad thing but Islamically, it is a fact that they need to be of the same sex if you guys are going to be going out to cinema, food, hanging out together or whatever it may be. It does also say Jealousy is a bad thing you're right however there are different types of jealousy. The one I'm talking about is protective jealousy (Google Ghayrah), which is what every Muslim man is supposed to have over his wife. It's essentially you wanting to protect your wife from Fitnah. Ma’qil ibn Yasar reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “For a nail of iron to be driven in the head of one of you would be better for him than to touch a woman who is not lawful for him.” Source: al-Mu’jam al-Kabīr 16910 Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Albani So if it's not even okay to shake hands with a woman (and vice versa), then what makes you believe opposite sex friends are okay? I'm telling you right now that it is completely impermissible in Islam and I know that for a fact. There is unanimous consensus among Sunni scholars about this, so I'm not sure where you got this idea from that it is okay. Growing up in the West can mess with your head though so I get it, I'm from the UK actually born and raised. It takes a while to change your mind on these things because on the surface it seems harmless and fun but I promise you it will only lead to things which are not good for you or your wife. All the good, practicing Muslims I know consider opposite gender friends in Marriage to be a complete deal breaker. As in, they would never get married to someone who openly free mixed. And as it shows in that Hadith, it's not really about trust. It's about a commandment from Allah which we need to follow since we are Muslims. There is wisdom behind it and if you can't understand it then at least submit your Will to Allah, which is literally what the word Islam means (submit). Personally I can clearly see the logic behind it and again this is coming from someone born and raised in the West. I've seen the damage first hand, that this mindset can cause. You can call it controlling / not having trust / ownership or whatever you want but at the end of the day Islam is perfect and we are not, so it makes sense to follow something we know is perfect rather than trying to follow our own Nafs / Desires / 'Logic'. The most successful marriages I have seen are the ones that have couples which are the most practicing Islamically. It's not a coincidence. You can feel bad for me all you want, I just hope you don't have to have something bad happen to you or your wife / friends in order to realise that this way of thinking is a mistake. As for your last point fair enough I was just using the attention point as an example. And no I'm not gay lol. If you believe in following the Quran and following the Sunnah then you will look at that Hadith (and many others like it) and simply follow it. Stop trying to change the religion to suit yourself or your lifestyle. Instead you should be the one to change and Allah will reward you for that effort. I feel bad for you because I used to have your exact mindset when it came to this stuff, idk how old you are but I'm assuming relatively young. I hope you change for the better InshahAllah before it's too late. If you do really want to change your mind, then look up hadith on free mixing / opposite gender interactions in Islam. There is so, so much evidence even from the time of the Prophet / Salaf that there's really no excuse to not change your mind once you do read about it. For reference I am a Sunni. If you're another sect then idk. But if you're also Sunni, then as I said there is unanimous consensus among all the 4 schools of thought, and the scholars living today and those of the past. If that doesn't change your mind and you think everyone else is wrong and you're right, idk what else to say except good luck.


dangflo

Guys and girls can't be friends, there is almost always something more. When you get a bit older and get married and some life experience you will perhaps understand it better. It is haram first off which should be a big enough reason. second no girl or guy is going to be friends with an obese and ugly people of the opposite gender generally because there is an element of attraction and flirtation in these relationships that they enjoy and don't want to give up, and the building of a roster in case their relationship goes sower or they want to deviate. One question everyone should ask before marriage is how do you feel about friends of the oppsite gender? that can not only test someones religious commitment and understanding but also help prevent a whole lot of complication down the road.


Lovedove25

This is sad ….. he or no are not even supposed to have oposite se* frends.. you should be his best friend and vise versa. I hope u find a great solution for this 💔


Aster_911

As as u see him trying keep trying, I can see how many people here are encouraging u to end it but its not just that, they don't live ur life nor do they have full experience of the situation so I think this is a challenging choice YOU have to make after consulting a wise naseh and estkharah, hop you find your way out of this with the least losses.