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As a side note. If you are basing attractiveness on pics. There are men and women who take bad pics, or who's pics are uncomplimentary. Real life is the best way to determine attractiveness. For some people a woman's personality actions etc. also effect attractiveness.

>Islam says to marry a woman for her faith & that the bond will increase & grow between the couple after marriage As far as I know, it's at least recommended to marry someone you are attracted to, even in an Islamic sense. >Our advice to you is not to propose marriage to any girl unless you know that she is of the level of beauty that you are happy with, so that it will not be a matter of initial keenness after which you get fed up or start looking for something new, which will lead to a difficult series of problems in married life. [Source](https://islamqa.info/en/83777) >Imam al-Bahooti said in Sharh Muntaha al-Iraadaat (2/621): > >He should not ask about her religious commitment until he has been told good things about her beauty. Ahmad said: If a man wants to propose marriage to a woman, he should ask about her beauty first, and if good things are said, he should ask about her religious commitment, and if good things are said, he should marry her. If he does not hear good things about her religious commitment, then he will have rejected her because of her religious commitment. He should not ask about her religious commitment first, then if good things are said, the he asks about her beauty, then if he does not hear anything good, he rejects her because of beauty and not because of religious commitment. I know it's hard to implement in the age of apps with blurred photos and religiosity filters, but words of wisdom nonetheless.

As salam wa alaikum. I have a dilemma that I need help with from the community here: My family is pushing me to get married and settle down, and have introduced me to a few girls who I've talked and tried to establish a connection with. While all of them are nice people, and I wish them the best, I don't feel any sort of attraction to them. In general, I've never felt attracted to any girls. After doing this for a few months, I think I'm not really cut out for this marriage business. At this point, I'm thinking to stop all talks, save my time, and the time of the girl. I could really use the time to study more in my field and memorize Qur'an Fwiw, I don't watch indecent materials since that's a reason I've heard people use to explain the lack of desire. Maybe I am asexual. Is there something wrong with me, or is this just a normal part of life, and I should just take a break?

I have a brother in law who is finishing residency in pulmonary icu, will be making 350k And no Pakistani/indian girl wants to marry him lol (he’s a little big ) Me recently married 9 months ago, I unfortunately found my wife online and all uncles, aunty, first cousins, even the cleaning lady still ask me “Where did you meet her” It’s annoying but it is what it is

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As-salamu alaikum. I (mid twenties Male) wanted to understand something that I guess I never understood at all. I was considering a girl for marriage, and is the first girl I ever considered for marriage. We both come from first-generation american families, but she was and is still is very wealthy back home where she is from. I grew up poor here and have mostly known poverty until I started a job in tech 2 years back. She seemed very interested at first, and everything was going smoothly. Then she found that I support my parents by covering part of their rent. I make a semi-decent amount in tech, but live in a HCOL area. After taxes, I bring home around 6500 monthly, and give around 1000 to my parents per month to help them with their rent. After my own rent and expenses, I save around 3000 a month. Before the pandemic, they had jobs and could support themselves, but once my mom lost her job and my dad got very sick, they needed help else they would end up homeless. They are actively looking for work still. ​ When the girl found out about this, she complained that I basically led her on because she doesn't want to be with someone whose parents depend on them. She said that guys like me deserve only girls from lower socioeconomic classes who can deal with men who have to provide for their parents. She called these kind of girls "girls who want to be housewives and can put up with needy in-laws." She says it affects her future because that $1000 is basically money that can go into a trust fund, or be used for vacations, or for other needs. She said she would only consider me if I didn't provide for my parents because she thinks men who have families that need them lead to suffering for their own family.Not gonna lie, I felt really insulted by the fact that she think I "deserve a certain kind of women of a lower class." Felt like an odd thing to say, both about me and other women. But I do see some truth to her statements, that my parent's dependance on me causes some uncertainty for her. However, I am also wondering, isn't care for parents part of Islam? This $1000 is not something I will be doing forever, only until they find work so they can at least have a roof over their heads. Regardless, I am feeling like I am worthless for marriage because my parents need my help. In Sha Allah, I will be making more with time, I am trying to make over 200k+ a year next year, so I thought that would be more than enough, but it seems I am never enough. I would have more than enough to support a family even after helping parents. Is a guy taking care of parents a red flag for most women? Is it a red flag to women who come rich backgrounds, less rich backgrounds? Am I basically undesirable for marriage because of this?I am sorry if this breaks any rules, never posted here before. Jazakamullah Khair.

Forget her.

Wa3aleykoumou Salam, Sorry for what you were going through, I can only imagine how hurtful it was. To reassure you, you don't have to worry at all about your "value" for marriage. What you are doing for your parents is a great quality ma sha Allah, and everyone should know that the satisfaction from Allah comes from the satisfaction of our parents. Moreover, you are more than able to offer her a comfortable life. I can understand that, with her "economic level", she wants a financial stability and security but it's not like you weren't capable to offer her this stability and security... After all, even though I don't "like" that kind of criteria, it seems that finances is an important criteria for her and we can't blame her for that. But it is important for you to know that it doesn't decrease your value at all! There is a kheyr in all of this. And I don't think you really want to marry a girl which will blame you for helping your parents... And Allah knows better. I can imagine how hard it is but try to comfort yourself by the recall of Allah, because He knows best what is good for us. In conclusion, you are NOT undesirable for marriage at all, and it is not a read flag for girls, I can assure you. I hope one day you'll meet the girl which will see your value! Salamou3aleykoum

JazakAllah Khair for your very kind and wise words. May Allah SWT bless you.

Wa iyek, amine!

Don't worry about "red flags" as in what OP perceives you as. The caveat here is would you want to be someone that wants you to overlook your parents, I don't think so? Also, let me tell you about red flags- these terms are loosely slid around according to a person's perception of reality and their sense of being contrary to assessing a person's relationship paradigm. Be mindful of the things you say to yourself. It doesn't make you "Undesirable" by any metrics. Masha Allah, you look after your parents and are working on earning more, Insha Allah, you'll have more barakah in your life. I would suggest you build a sense of self-awareness as the search can be troubled waters. Hope you meet someone that treats you well and is your source of comfort and strength.

JazakAllah Khair for your kind words. I will keep your advice in mind, In Sha Allah.

If a guy takes care of his parents (that shows his good character) that he dose not want to send his own parents to a nursing home and if god forbid something we’re to go wrong with her parents he would also be there But Allah(swt) test everyone in a different way, shape, and form You make enough money Alhomdolliah, it should not matter to her what you do with your own money, unless Shez a gold digger. But if her parents are rich (they might care what he does with his money). How he will multiply it So if she doesn’t want to marry you just for that purpose, screw her. Allah (swt ) got someone better in stock for you. I have a best friend who is a neurologist, he said when looking it’s best to marry someone who makes less money then you (or who will be making less money than you). Based on his experience and observation (those marriages are more successful and last longer.

JazakAllah Khair for your kind words and insight. I will keep what your friend said in mind too.

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Jazakillah khair for your response. Your comment did put my heart at ease. I am not sure if she is necessarily selfish, but I think that she is looking out for herself and her family's security too, but it may have come off weird, which is what I want to assume. So I guess this is really a matter of her particular perspective and not necessarily a global expectation or norm?

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Jazakillah khair. I will keep that in mind and not get so disheartened from one encounter, In Sha Allah.

This is a great example of how wealth doesn’t buy class, and how even with more some people can be incredibly stingy. You not helping your parents when they’re in need would be a huge red flag to any potential worth considering. Can you imagine having the means to support them when they need it most and going nah, you’re on your own? Choosing vacations over parents struggling to make ends meet. Absolutely wild. May Allah protect us from people like this.

Jazakillah khair for your response. I didn't see it that way (the way of how it would have been a red flag if I didn't help them). It also puts my heart at ease.

I find that on Muzz i get significantly more matches than i do on salaams, is this something common among others too?

Maybe it’s just anecdotal, but I think Salams is just more active now with more users than muzz

How to go about explaining my illness to potentials. Salaam all. This is my first post so forgive me if I say/do anything wrong. I F(22) recently felt I was ready to start thinking about marriage. I haven’t spoken to any potentials yet but my mum has a friend who does match making. A few families expressed interest however as soon as my illness is mentioned, they both ghosted. This gives me more anxiety around the situation. I have a lifelong illness and due to the I have a bag on my stomach. I paused my search but am ready to start again. How do I approach this topic? I’m not ashamed of my illness and I don’t want to hide it either. Also I’m Indian so I’m my culture I guess it’s a taboo thing. Just looking for some advice, or if anyone has similar stories. Jazakhallah Khair in advance :)

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Jazakhallah khair for the reply. It gives me hope and a more positive outlook. Once I feel ready to start looking again will take your advice into consideration.

I (21F) have met potential (33M) this year... He is the same nationality as me and comes from same town my dad grew up in. When he met my parents, my parents were extremely pleased with him and think he is a good man. I personally do like him as well and can vision myself with him because of how compatible we are. However... I been talking to my friend and she seems to be against it. She told me he is a creepy man who wants to use me because I'm young and inexperienced. She mentioned how he will mold me in future and that I will regret it. I shared with my friend how he reminds me to read specific sura from Quran in the morning.. he would remind me to make healthier food choices (he is into fitness) and this made my friend go "see what I told you, he shouldn't tell you what to do. You act as you like and if he doesn't like it then let him go" I am seriously confused on what to do.. His family lives far and planning for an engagement soon in the summer. Should I look for potential who is my age? Is my friend right here?

Try to get 2nd opinions from other friends or people who kkows him. That is the safest way. Some creeps can behave very religiously, some friend can be very toxic, just dont judge them prematurely.

your friend is not giving good advice. who knows why (jealousy, stupidity or anything) but the man sounds good

Reading your replies implies that he seems like a good man since he reminds you of the good things in a calm tone. Pray Istikhara, put your trust in Allah and hopefully you'll be guided to the right decision

Don't be confused. He sounds like a great man. You like him that's all that matters. Your parents like him too. They approve of him. Who knows better a 20 year old entitled know it all or elders with decades of wisdom? Who cares more about you, your parents who raised you and took care of you though thick and thin, or some friend you only are with for mutual reasons. Only reason your friend is saying that is because she's liberalized like a lot of the other people on Reddit here. Nothing wrong with marrying an older man. While your at it, I'd recommend you get out of Reddit and not bother asking the people here because they'll try to convince you that the man is malicious and creepy. Good luck and inshAllah everything works out well. Remember istikharaa and istisharaa are very important too!

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His tone is always calm. He is a really positive person tbh.. His family is well educated people as well. Overall it seems fine but I’m kinda worried now after what my friend said. She thinks that he will change after marriage and will be controlling and harsh. I feel terrified now to even move forward and been thinking of ending it few times out of fear.

no she's putting bad thoughts in your head. from waht you said, he seems nice. don't be like the woman who the Prophet (SAW) divorce because she listened to some things her family said about the Prophet (SAW).

May Almighty protect us from having such "friends", who have skills of turning and twisting every single thing into making it look bad and dangerous. Involve an elder and take opinion about what your friend says, things will be clearer hopefully.

Parents already involved.. idk who else I should involve here? His family is well educated people and I’m not sure if my dad is being bias towards him since they both grew up in same place lol but overall it’s been great and positive. My friend did make me worry about what will happen after marriage and him changing..

You should consider getting new friends. Or better yet never tell your friends about any potentials for marriage. Some people have sharp evil eyes!

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if you don't know about them, why prefer the younger one? just wondering

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But in some cultures, the parents want their older daughter married first before the younger one. I think, your chance to marry the younger is almost impossible

Salaam, I’m 27m in the UK on an app Could I post my bio for review here? I had a few matches over 3 weeks but they unmatched when I unblurred my pictures. I keep it unblurred now so I guess I should make sure my profile is solid.

yes there's a specific thread pinned for it.

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Is the person in a different time zone? (In a different country located farther away from you.) What's the persons job? Are they perhaps a doctor with shifts? Do they look fit? In other words, do they look as if they are exercising regularly, thus might not be available some times. If you get a response, you can ask why the communication is slow.

a person can have other hobbies because of which they don't respond other than exercising lol why specifically that

Was the first thing that came to mind, when it comes to a hobby where you don't have your phone at hand. (Since it might be in your exercise/gym bag) Doing some exercise, some specific sport. Is also a healthy hobby for a lot of men (and women) to have. Not everybody's job or daily routine has enough exercise to keep them fit.

I think it depends on the frequency and type of communication that you prefer. Personally, if they read the message and still haven't replied for more than a day, I'd just unmatch. The convo should be ezpz in the beginning, if they're taking too long to reply they are either already talking to someone else or not that interested.

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I think it depends on how long you're comfortable with waiting for a reply. Imo, a week is too long for me because not replying at least once a day tells me that they're either not serious with the search, they have an emergency or they just have poor time management (which is a turnoff for me lol). I work full time and am a part time student with a strict routine and I make sure that I commit at least 15 mins daily to check on my matches so as to not waste both our time (wasting time is a sin btw, imagine being accounted for that on judgement day for wasting some randos' time). I don't expect the same because people have lives but I won't be too generous with my time with strangers until we have established some rapport. You should set the bar yourself for this because if you're new to the matrimonial app, you'd soon be surprised at how people can easily and are willing to waste your time. Waiting for too long for replies at the start of knowing someone will just exhaust you of the energy that you need to give to the right person who can reciprocate at the frequency you prefer. Though waiting won't really be a problem if you're juggling with a few matches.

Don't double text. Wait a week and if there's no response, unmatch. If they continue to be reply too alowly, it's better to let it go.

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A thought that came to my mind while doing some scientific research, it's very off-putting if a profile says for what they're looking for "X, Y, or Z profession". It would be valid if it was about the money. Ostensibly it is not, because many people in at least one of those professions aren't rich, so is it just about prestige? Would it be problematic if one were to change his career 5 years later (assume a higher paying but less prestigious one)? The latter is a rhetorical question, according to this sub that is bait-and-switch regardless of the circumstances. The funniest is when it's the only thing on the "looking for" side. Of all things you could (or even *should*) care about you only list profession.

older generations (rightly so) got criticised for valuing profession and status too much, but people now do the same.

Does anyone else cycle through all the profiles every few days and each time you go through everyone, you realise your standards or what you're looking for drop and you start liking people who you passed on before?

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Your friend should always cite their information. Apparently it is very true and confirmed, here is the actual [peer reviewed research article](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EpWkVDtUUAAxNPa.jpg)

LMAO all myths

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Scholars of pseudoscience

Don't ask or bring it up. And why would it even matter?

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It's not.

Of course not, and you shouldn't ask about it.

I was once reading a health-related article and by habit I always check the author. This particular author had "PhD" written after her name. But after reading the article I was still skeptical, it seemed too good to be true. So I found the author's LinkedIn page. She wasn't lying, she did have a Doctorate. A doctorate in journalism and writing. And so I later looked at other sources from actual medical doctors, and found that the information was true, but she had exaggerated the info quite a bit to sell her health app.

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🤡

Anyone matched with people on muzz and later on their profile disappears? Had seen this a few times. And then i later see their account on explore later on. Seems like ppl deciding to delete their account and remake another one to lose any ppl they matched with?

If I get involved in a conversation with someone outside the app, like if we start talking on WhatsApp for example I would deactivate my account on muzz. I don't want to text with multiple people at the same time. I think there are other people that do same.

Happened a few times. In my case though they’ve either deactivated or deleted their account for whatever reason after I’ve sent the first message. They’ve never reappeared on the explore page. Muzmatch released a story about a couple who met on the app after the guy disappeared and reappeared like 4 months later and messaged the woman back. They ended up getting married.

How do you make marriage to a non-muslim work? The days finally come where my mother has told me to find a wife or she'll find one for me. I'm only in my mid 20's. Anyways alhamdulillah I am practically retired and so don't have much else to worry about. After giving it some thought I've decided that I would like to marry a non-muslim, not only because of looks. A couple reasons: -I don't want kids, and it'll be pretty difficult finding a compatible muslim woman who doesn't want kids. Children being split between two religions is a non-issue, which is the major reason why I'm ok with marrying a non-muslim. -Due to me being financially set I would like to fulfill my dream of living a nomadic lifestyle, as in just travelling around in an RV/Van and/or sail-boat. As someone who is already part of that sort of community I can assure you there are zero Muslim women(or men) into that sort of thing. Unfortunately I don't really know the first thing when it comes to marrying a Non-Muslim, I personally don't know anyone in such a marriage. What would you guys say are some things I should take into account or look out for when starting my search?

id love to be nomadic as well. i do think most women ive talked to are not into that.

The are Muslim women, although a minority, that don't want kids. (It is a harder to get requirement, for those who want that. Based on experiences that other people have posted that have that requirement.) Non-Muslim's can convert to Islam, thus becoming Muslim. I've seen a yt Muslim couple in such a life style. Arranged/match making, does not mean that you can't discuss with, say no to or get a no from the people who get arranged to meet you. -------- > What would you guys say are some things I should take into account or look out for when starting my search? Agree to your mothers help, when it comes to the search. You already have requirements, that are harder to get. How hard the search is going to be, is not going to be known to you before you start it. The search itself can cause you to grow personally, or change your requirements. Remember that no person, including yourself and potentials, is going to be perfect. A guy's age, height, looks, job, earnings, location, religious practice, ahlak/behaviour, humor etc. can all be considerations for a girl. (Or girls family. ) > being split between two religions is a non-issue Is not a non-issue. They might get their mom's religion.

Can someone look at my Bio for the apps? Would like to get some feedback. DM me if interested.

Hmu

Hmu means Hit Me Up

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Sister🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Ask her directly, this is very serious matter, you need a clear respond from her. Maybe she is shy, but for this kind direct request (to have her wali number), usually woman will give you an answer.

Messaging her first in agood way .. By asking how are you and her family. And when she replies ,tell her that you are interested in her and ask her if she doesnot mind to give to you the number of her father or her mother as you are serious and would like to take serious steps in a Halal way . This will be fine more than in face as she maybe will be shy as you are in the same place working . Good luck inshaAllah .

One pattern I noticed is that if someone is seemingly attractive and has lots of options, we tell them to look for someone with xyz qualities. If someone complains that theyre struggling, then the comments are like uhhh change your standards, stick to that first individual that luckily showed interest in you 😆 Though one thing I find funny is that some guys hold the assumption that for women it's "easy" and that they have no excuse for not being married asap

First paragraph is just logical. If options, choose on XYZ, if no options reduce XY. > Though one thing I find funny is that some guys hold the assumption that for women it's "easy" and that they have no excuse for not being married asap There are dads of girls that hold the same opinion of guys. (While being familiar with their daughters struggle)

It's a different world because we opened the pandora's box. Our parents generation were probably fine marrying people they feel lacklustre about because at the end of the day you marry to raise a family and uphold your own family's status. You didn't need to be highly emotionally or physically attracted to each other. Older eastern european women say “A man has to be slightly better-looking than a monkey”.. Doesnt sound like you have the hots for him, but he will make a decent husband I could probably enjoy a nice companionship of that sort, but Id feel guilty if the husband questioned why I never initiate 😆

I think, [social](https://www.google.com/search?q=social+media+decreased+human+interaction) and other media's effect on human interaction is the bigger issue. Expecting the same effort, attractiveness, clothes from a regular guy or girl, as seen in a tv. series/movie where the guy or girl is fed lines, clothed, make-uped, digitally enhanced, privately trained & dieted and fed steroids. And preselected from the more attractive, funny or nice sounding less than 1% part of the population who might also have trained years to become actors. (Being trained with private trainers and dieticians can be part of actors jobs) (While the expecting side, might only be putting in the effort, they do while consuming media. Because they can get that kind of media with that effort, on their phones.)

No it isnt a problem lol. What one guy doesnt do, another would. Womens expectations arent coming out from thin air - they can see it with their own eyes irl either for themselves or family members

no, the expectations are a problem. the same is true of men expecting women to be too fit, no cellulite, etc. people don't realize the effect instagram and media has on us.

Lol a man who cares about cellulite is probably gay. Most men dont even know what it is I see nothing wrong with men wanting physically fit women though. Though at the end of the day, I think men arent actually picky even in 2022

A lot of men know what cellulite is. Also I'm not gay and I know. How would men not know?

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Well I dont think men are picky, if they were id be in trouble. But I do think theyre breaking their penises and minds/self esteem with porn addiction tho lol. Though thats an issue that makes the man unattractive so I would only mention it as a "please treat yourself better" thing

> No it isnt a problem lol. So you don't think media has an effect on what people find hot/attractive in a negative manner? (For both men and women) That [some people](https://twitter.com/winnie4prez/status/1272037317990060035) won't be negatively effected by romcom media? That men should be lowering their gaze, but women are excepted from that? -------- > Womens expectations arent coming out from thin air - they can see it with their own eyes irl either for themselves or family members Are expectations of more wealthy older generations, compared to younger generations, who might recently have started a job? (A complaint I've seen on this forum a number of times. Though sometimes those issues come from a girls parents. If the issue comes from a girls parents, even someone who has a good profession and saved money might not be good enough.) Are results seen of decades of a loving caring relationship, who's had their own setbacks and growth from both sides, and expected from a stranger one has recently met?

Nope. What people find attractive is in our biology. The only difference is that we *see* more attractive people than what we wouldve otherwise due to the internet. Though you can argue the same for people being able to travel more because it's extending their pool of options Romcom media is culturally biased. But so are our experiences. For instance, some people would tell me it's unrealistic to expect my future husband to cook and clean and take the kids out to the park every day. Yet that's the dynamic I grew up with Alhamdullilah 🤷🏿‍♀️ I don't know about the financial part. It's going to be based off of your own background, income and expectations for life. It isn't a case of people coming from piss poor backgrounds expecting to live like a royal lol. People actually marry within the same socio-economic backgrounds

attractiveness is not biologically inherent. case in point, in the victorian era, men preferred women with smaller breasts due to culture at that time whereas now men prefer women with bigger ones. similarly, recent culture has changed so that many men want someone thick or curvy or whatever. media plays a much larger role than biology. biology and genetics is much more malleable than people think.

Nope. It is biological. Wealthier men prefer women with smaller breasts or are indifferent. Poorer men or men in strife usually prefer larger breasts and bum because theyre looking for the type of womsn that can have lots of kids, rather than one that can cultivate a few well

how do you explain chinese culture considering women with smaller feet attractive while other cultures do not. this is not biological but a social construct. similarly, there are some eurocentric beauty standards like a small nose, high cheekbones, etc. while this is not true elsewhere. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/06/190605133549.htm i dont know how you can argue attractiveness is biological. it plays a role but not completely.

That's not true. Society plays a large role. https://www.acrwebsite.org/volumes/1017500

> Nope We disagree on this then. That seeing more attractive people doesn't effect what you find attractive. (I've had an vacation, when I was younger, where I ignored all pics, including those of ads on the street. It increased attraction before it normalized when I needed to interact with girls again.) If someone travels, meets and marries from different country. That person has expanded their 'options' and married. And marriage proves their *options* were realistic. If someone sees a realistic computer generated (or digitally enhanced) image they find attractive on the internet. That is not a realistic option. ----------- > take the kids out to the park every day That would be unrealistic in my country. It rains too much. Depending on a guys job, that can be more or less realistic. > People actually marry within the same socio-economic backgrounds That's true enough. But some people may want to go above that or have a false idea about their own socio-economic backgrounds. (In one case I read, they were at the top, and there weren't any Muslim people at their level.) And break/reject relationships even in cases where the socio-economic background would be going up.

Maybe it affects men lol. But as a woman, I can count on my hand how many men I thought were very attractive first time seeing them in my 24 years of living. Usually I would need to "know" more about a man before I think hes anything above normal looking. If it's online, that would be based off of conversation or watching a lot of videos of them that showcase their personality. If it's in person, then that would be based off of our conversations and how he treats me Plus I feel most loved through acts of service so ive only ever liked men who tried to help make my life easier lol. When I was young in school, that would be the boys who used to consistently give me help with my schoolwork or they would create reading lists for my essays. As an adult, it's quite similar - if he listens to me emotionally, offers advice, and also tries to help me in whatever way he can lol

Huh. Personality can increase or decrease attractiveness for me. But first time seeing someone can be attractive. --------- May Allah grant you more success and berekah in all your endeavours.

Yeah sadly expectations overall aren’t actually as unrealistic as he’s making out and the reality can still fall short lol Also agree re: the reality of positive experiences we see IRL and not making them up based on TV

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You should report these profiles to the app moderators

I am having the EXACT same problem. I feel like i have literally seen everyone in the filters I have used lol. You are not alone, I too think the men are not great sadly. Terrible bios, terrible pics, and tbh a lot of them are not well educated either which is a real problem when you are and you know your parents also want an educated husband for you. Out of the very few guys I like I rarely get a match from them or they don’t even see my profile. I too am talking to a guy who I matched with who seemed great at first but I think he has officially ghosted me now 😩 Glad to know I’m not the only one contemplating whether I’m being picky or not LOL

No, you’re not being picky if it’s on the apps. Because there’s thousands on profiles on there, you literally NEED to be picky/selective, and in my experience, there’s likely only a small handful of guys out of those thousands that will actually match what you’re really looking for, so only swipe right on those handful of guys. Don’t have your hopes up when on the apps though. It literally depresses me and I come out of it feeling like there’s no one for me lol, but it’s just the ~app-effect~ (unless there actually is no one for me, in which case it just reminds me once again hahaha)

Besides apps being terrible. Men and women can take bad uncomplimentary pics. People can write anti other gender rants on their own profile. (I've especially seen some extreme examples from women. ) Which is actually worse, than no profile written. (Majority of women's profiles are blurred with no profile text written.) ------- People can have arbitrary filters and requirements. Ethnicity is a big one. (That is just going to reduce options...) Height is another one. (Instead of judging in real life if you find a person attractive. Women using height on apps, has very short women only accepting guys that say they are 6'0/180cm or higher. Those are two different heights.) People can have location filters, like only their own city. (Only their own country is a logical filter though) You might have a too strict age filter. If you are only selecting 1% of the guys, a lot of other women might also be selecting the same guys. Thus giving those guys the women app experience.

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In that case you kind of know what to do. Adapt or stay single 😬?

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More that if you strictly go for a specific ethnicity and possibly have other restrictions, that you make it more difficult for yourself than it otherwise could have been? If that is what we call settling then I can't be saying that anyone should feel particularly sorry for you then, because "the pool of men" isn't to blame here then? Just the unwillingness to adapt?

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I mean that is the point though? If you aren't willing to marry outside your ethnicity, then aren't you to blame here and not so much that there aren't "quality" men out there?

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There isn't anything wrong, but lets say there are supposedly 10 people in your pool and maybe 1 or 2 fit your criteria, then why not expand it? There might not even be enough people of your ethnicity in your area too, so that adds to the difficulty too, so it might even be just an area thing as well and not so much an ethnicity thing? I mean of course a lot of people will agree with you are the ones who are on the "ranting" thread, so chances are rather high that they too are struggling for whatever reason that may be?

>+5 years If you are on the younger side. You might be in college. MSA's might have social activities you can join. (To become friends with more people) Besides family, friends too can match make/arrange. Real life arranging will be a better experience than apps. (Real life will also be a better judge of attractiveness than numbers) Letting friends know you want to get married might help with that. --------- If the ethnicity filter is due to parents, have you had conversations with your parents about that? (Is it an assumption only? ) Is it a something nice to have or a requirement? Are you filter people that above your height + extra height or everybody that is your height or higher? Statistically, the taller someone you want is, the less people there are. Depending on ethnicity, those can be even lower numbers. And since more women want taller men.... You could try increasing or decreasing your numeric filters by 1.

Some apps are using bots to inflate their numbers.

Apps are terrible for this

I'm getting to know someone in another country (its not very far - 2hrs via train) and I'm wondering if its normal that he hasn't suggested coming over to meet in person. We've had 3 video meetings so far and have been also speaking over text. I've already hinted that I prefer getting to know people in person/video as its more natural etc Should I be concerned that he hasn't been proactive in discussing /suggesting to meeting up in real life?

Sometimes people are hesitant…..Before making a decision, give it some time and see where the story is heading.

He should meet your parents if he is really serious. Some men/women just want to have chat mate, for namely if they have same interest

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3 weeks so far

Some people just enjoy having a penpal to pass the time so you should bring it up so if he’s being wishywashy about it you can cut your losses quickly

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As the other brother said, I would just speak to them regularly and hope that they continue finding the conversation interesting and think it can go somewhere. Then again, I have problems being assertive and just stating whats on my mind and what my intentions are, so that's the best I can hope for. (but that doesn't mean I'm not interested in them)

Why do SO MANY women tick the "hijab" option on Muzzmatch etc.. and then when it comes to unblurring you'll see thier fringes sticking out?!?!?! How is that Hijab???

It definitely seems to be the case of different interpretations and understanding. The tag doesn’t specifically say “full and proper” hijab so there’s that 😬 Even if they wear full hijab in their pics, it can be misrepresentative of reality. I’ve had guys tell me they swiped on someone wearing hijab in every pic but they FaceTime with no hijab. Had another guy tell me a woman was wearing hijab in her pic but turns out she wasn’t even Muslim 😳 I’ve thought of this for the jilbab tag. Even though I wear full hijab/maxi dresses and have worn some version of it (jilbab/abaya/dress) since I was 13, I don’t select that tag because the word has a traditional connotation. I don’t know if it’s me being pedantic or just accurate but either way, I don’t want to misrepresent my attire in that sense.

Not justifying how they wear it, but I assume people have different interpretations of what hijab is. To some, a turban covering half their head is “hijab”. I guess they’re just referring to the use of the cloth itself? Had a guy say he prays always on his profile and then when asked, he said he sometimes misses fajr and isha. Literally killed me lol. People interpret these things in interesting ways sometimes.

>Had a guy say he prays always on his profile and then when asked, he said he sometimes misses fajr and isha. Literally killed me lol. People interpret these things in interesting ways sometimes. This is why I posted on this sub a while back asking what people would consider praying regularly means to them. Like, to me, I get that waking up for fajr is hard, but if you make up for it when you wake up and you pray all the other salaah on time, would you consider that person who has "Always Prays" or "prays 5 times a day" as legit or would it be more accurate to have "usually prays"? (of course I'm not really considering those who miss a salaah entirely, because they defo cannot be people who say they always pray)

Based on what I have learnt under my sheikhs: Once a salah is missed on purpose, it can never be made up again, except if there is a valid reason for missing it, and the only two valid reasons mentioned are forgetfulness or accidentally sleeping (through it), and the salah must be made up as soon as one remembers/wakes up in these two cases. The above rulings are also mentioned in this source: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/111783/how-can-he-make-up-for-missed-prayers There could of course be differences of opinions, but the above source outlines the strongest of the opinions, and Allah knows best. Based on that, in my opinion if someone is deliberately careless or missing salah for any reason other than the two valid ones mentioned, they should not put “always prays” even if they make it up afterwards. But if they miss it because they genuinely forgot or accidentally slept in (and of course Allah knows our intentions) and they make it up in those two cases and pray all prayers on time outside of those two scenarios, then “always prays” is accurate because such a scenario is acceptable in the shariah. May Allah make it easy for those genuinely trying to pray all of their prayers. It’s really sad and scary that so many don’t know that tiredness, work, shopping, etc. is not an excuse to miss the prayer in its prescribed time and that it can’t just be made up afterwards. May Allah keep us all steadfast, ameen.

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I think it's not common even for nonmuslims to go up to a total stranger in like a mall to hit on them. I don't see any easy way of going about it. Your culture matters too. But if you want to try it then yeah you'd have to be direct and mention you're looking for a spouse and ask of their status and you can give your contact info. Different people will react differently (if they weren't looking for a spouse and they don't think you're attractive it could be awkward).

I think you should try the “I’m so&so, I’d love to introduce myself properly, please may I give you my number?” Then she doesn’t have to go through avoiding casual chitchat in public, or the whole fake number thing or worry that you have her real number. And if she’s too awkward to say no she can just never call.

From my understanding, in person approach tends to be frowned upon by most Muslims.

In my experience direct approaches for marriage tend to be more common in Muslim countries, or maybe just some of the Arab ones I’ve been to, people really will just stop you or your elders walking with you on the street and say “I’d like to have an introduction, can I give you my number?”

That tends to be a mother approaching a girl or her family. Not usually directly?

I meant I’ve seen the men making the approach either to the girl directly if she’s alone or to the elder walking with her when he sees her in public. Not small talk or casual chitchat or anything, just literally saying they want an introduction and offering their phone number. But I’ve also seen it done by their mothers too when they know where to find the girl! That’s actually how my cousin met his wife, his mother saw her working in a shop everyday and told him to go look bc she matched his description of his ideal woman 😂

I am from an Arab country and have never seen this. Where did you see this? was it more than once?

Yeah my point was about how often I’ve personally seen a direct approach for marriage by men on the street in a Muslim country Vs a non-Muslim country. I’m quite sure this doesn’t happen in every Muslim (or Arab) country. Where I have seen it, it’s a daily occurrence to the extent that some girls can’t ever walk from A to B without avoiding it. And what about fringes?

What country was that if you don't mind? was it respectful? lol fringes was a mistake it was added automatically since I must have had it selected when I hit reply.

Oh hahah! I never saw it done in a rude or disrespectful way but there were definitely varying degrees of formality 😂 Some examples are a guy who fell into pace with my mother while I walked ahead with my aunt. He was really funny bc my mum was telling him I was too young and he was calling her Yomma and trying to convince her the whole walk home that he was young too so he could wait 😂 Another time someone saw me go into the house so he approached my uncle who was standing outside his store next door. Another time I wasn’t with any elders but I was with my cousins who are close to my age so they would approach me directly but I don’t speak the local dialect and my cousins had to respond for me to say no thank you. It’s worth mentioning that these are the guys who are approaching specifically to make an introduction and pass on their contact details, not obnoxious or scary street harassment which you find everywhere. I’d rather not share exact country as it’s an identifying feature.

Wow that is certainly different from my eperience and I don't see myself doing this. Thanks for sharing!

Trying to meet people the "halal" way is so funny lol. Yeah I'm officially talking to someone. When did I last talk to her? A whole month ago.

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It's okay if you don't know how to read satire.

Yeah I was like so who’s gonna tell him 😂

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Is there a reason why you can’t talk and get to know them both? I feel like much of the things you know about these girls is from what you’ve heard. I don’t see why you have to shun one away without getting to know her first.

You really shouldn’t be treating people like option a and option b. Talk about your values and see who you are compatible with first before you treat them like cars you’re picking out

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That’s fine and all but you’re literally calling them girl y and girl t and writing basically a pros and cons list between the two. You might not mean it but if I found out I was “potential X” I wouldn’t be happy about it. Talk to one of them and take it from there

There’s no point trying to get to know the second girl while you’re hung up on the first one as your heart & mind won’t be as invested. Also the reason you’re dithering is arbitrary when you’re so clearly more into the first one. Assess the family yourself, rather than taking this fork in the road based on second hand information.

I reckon take some time to get to know girl T! In a halal way, obviously. I can tell you’re already excited about potentially getting to know her just based off how you’re speaking about her. She sounds really endearing and cute. But ultimately, you need to see how you gel in real life. Maybe her introvert nature will put you off. As long as there is not a bad reputation about her/her family, the whole family issue shouldn’t be a reason to discount her. I think you’re overcomplicating things, the answer is glaringly obvious! To be honest, there’s nothing wrong with getting to know both girls (obviously not at the same time). Give T a chance, and if you don’t want to go ahead with it, enquire about Y. It can be as simple as that. I think if you see Y first, you will still be curious about T. So, squash the curiosity and just go for it! Best of luck

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I've found "will this woman/man be a great mother/father to my kids?" a great question to ask yourself when meeting with a potential. It's definitely a useful yard stick to go by

I came across this Quote in one of those reels, been following this from quite sometime. Father will be an example to SON & Mother will be an example to DAUGHTER

Absolutely! I owe it to my future kids to do my due diligence in finding them a good father.

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Have any of you consider matrimonial agencies? In my country, I don't hear much about it. Besides family, dating sites are the place to be for people looking for love while I can clearly see it's more designed for casual love than marriage. I saw a video about matrimonial agencies and an owner said the main flaw of dating sites is the profile picture. It will most likely decide if someone will try or not while it can give a wrong perception of someone. For the worst and the best. I'm sure those who have used dating sites have missed on a great person because he/she wasn't photogenic.

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woah you're defining the phrase "love is blind" in this digital age. bravo

You've spoken to him a week without seeing what he looks like? I ask people to unblur after a couple messages. Otherwise your wasting both of your time. Personally, I unmatch after 24 hours of no reply unless someone stated they had something on. Every two days at the start does not show keenness. But like someone else said doesn't hurt to ask. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Ask him directly if he is interested on getting to know you or no . And i think if someone interested he will reply and give time even he is busy (If he was really serious on the app)

What does serious mean according to you? Replying every two days could be a result of either being very busy or just plain ol mind games. You need to figure that out

About to reject a guy because he doesn’t have a deep voice…idk why but I just don’t like hearing him talk lol

there's a saying that i've read that a man made dua to Allah and Allah (SAW) granted his dua, but the man wasn't happy with it so he didn't accept the thing. he asked Allah why He didn't answer his dua, and Allah told him he did answer it, but he didn't see it. I don't know how accurate the saying is, or if it's blasphemous or not, but it has a good message.

Thanks to this thread I've now gone down a Seinfeld hole. [Did he sound like Dan the High Talker?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXlp0EVmxik)

LOL not that high 😂😂

This is why I only accept calls in the mornings or right after taking a nap. Side note, I want to make a post asking what everyone’s most George Costanza-esque reason for rejecting someone was

the thing is george constanza was always made about to be unreasonable. i honestly think this is kinda unreasonable. like unless his voice was super feminine. and then i see people on here complaining about not finding someone when they say things like this.

I know it sounds kinda unreasonable, but it’s really not. Someone’s voice can be extremely important when determining attraction and is a completely valid reason to let someone go. If you think about it, you’ll be hearing their voice morning and night, so if it’s bothering you enough in the talking stage, it’s important enough to not move past.

I guess that's true

She didn't use an exclamation point at the end of - what I thought was an exciting - sentence. But I guess that's more of an Elaine-esque reason.

I can’t tell if you’re serious or being facetious. Either way 😂

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18P3nwqMlLs 😂 The best bit is when Elaine double downs the next day. She doesn't apologise or say sorry for saying that in the heat of the moment. Instead she comes out with: "I found it very troubling that he didn't use one!"

> Side note, I want to make a post asking what everyone’s most George Costanza-esque reason for rejecting someone was She had a Spotify subscription

Once you have the ick over something it’s hard to come back from that

This is a valid reason tbh and goes both ways. Even if a girl is 10/10 but if she had too much of a masculine voice I’m sure a lot of men would be put off