By - meem111
Step 1: Okay first take a deep breath and read falaq and naas and make dua to Allah swt to protect you and your honor and your family and marriage.
Step 2: talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Tell him you feel violated and feel that a private matter was made public and tell him you want to have a relationship with his mother and his doing this portrays you in a light you are afraid she will not look past. See his reactions and hear him out. But he firm and speak your mind.
I commented on your first post too and I want to know what happened after that? Did you talk to your husband? Did you tell him you needed someone to lean on and wanted advice from your mother? I know he felt violated, did you address that?
Did he retaliate and tell his mother because you were telling yours? That last post is from over two months ago, what has happened since then?
Step 3: talk to your mom and tell her what has happened, I don’t know your ethnicity but I’m desi and I would want to avoid the drama of having a MiL calling a mother to complain about her daughter, or accuse you both of speaking behind her back about her.. just talk to your mom so she has a heads up too.
Step 4: come up with a resolution WITH your husband. What did he mean to accomplish? I can’t imagine he wanted you and his mom to have severed relationship, rather I think he was acting impulsively (maybe I’m wrong I don’t know him). Ask him what he feels the next steps should be, best case scenario is for him to pacify his own mother and not make you the fall guy.
But seriously you guys have a lot to talk about in regards to your feelings, you have to work on communication and if he resists tell him he can’t leave the room till you guys hear each other out. Honestly the littlest misunderstandings can become huge issues if we let them keep escalating, and looking at the dates and the fact that your first post was over 2 months ago means you both have some unresolved issues. Give him a space to talk and tell him how hurt you are, it can be hard to articulate but you have to.
And make dua to Allah to help and guide you. May Allah swt make it easy for you and bless you with the most beautiful family relationships, and May He mend any severed ties and May He clear up the misunderstandings for you, ameen
Thank you so much for the time you took to answer both of my posts ! It means a lot to me.
This is exactly it, you said it perfectly ! I am afraid she will never look past it. And tbh I haven’t told the whole story in fear of getting discovered and it being too specific but the reason he told his mom was to teach me “a lesson”. And that hurt me more than anything, and actually it made me upset to know he would hurt me like that willingly.
I told him I was sorry for everything and I would stop venting to my mom and truthfully I have been keeping my promise to him.
Tbh you nailed everything! I’m sure he told his mother to retaliate. The way he told me he did seemed like it was vengeance.
Again thank you so much for your time it is so appreciated !! May Allah reward you ❤️
Your husband turned this into a bad situation. He could have spoken to you and left it at that. Instead he has made himself a hypocrite by doing the thing he told you not to do.
Have you two considered couples counseling. Would you both be open to that
We can dispense advice, but this has been going on for months now, there's clearly a communication breakdown somewhere and you two might benefit from professional help.
Hello, thanks for the time you took to answer my post! I think you are right we might benefit from a professional’s help but with time I started thinking that we are both not as mature as we thought we were .. we gotta work on that !
Am I the only one who feels like OP is being hypocritical? It's ok for her to share anything and everything with her mum and its her venting or seeking help. Her husband finds out doesn't like it and shares with his mum?
If there is an onus on the husband to help improve relationships between OP and OP MIL then there is also onus upon OP to improve relationship between her family and in laws. U cant have it one way for u and another for him. Just to be clear I think u both are wrong.
Someone should have been the bigger person here, they are definitely both in the wrong like you said. But their actions have different implications on the family dynamic.
OP telling her mom about husbands mom and family may mean OPs mom won't like them. This doesn't have that big of an impact though, since her dealings with them will be largely formal anyway. Husband telling his mom about OP has however, damaged a more direct relationship and in many cases such as these, it has an impact on future children too. Both wrong actions, but with different consequences.
Islamically, one of the only cases where its permitted to lie is to create peace between people. On the flipside, telling someone what was said about them when it creates trouble is also not allowed. OP knew telling her mother these things would cause problems and her husband also knew telling his mother isn't the right thing to do- rather than create peace, its created the opposite.
If OP did that, her husband hasn't helped to solve the problem, rather make it worse. Two wrongs don't make a right.
OP: I think you and husband would benefit from marriage counselling. You both seem quite immature with this tit for tat behaviour. An impartial third party would be well placed to help you talk through your issues together. You should focus on fixing your relationship with your husband primarily. His family and your family are secondary.
Hello, I agree with everything you said and you put words in this situation of standards on woman to have a closer relationship with the in laws than the man. I have been thinking and trying to explain it to my husband but he won’t hear of it.
Honestly I agree we need counselling, but I put our family first he’s always the one who wants to force a relationship between me and his mom when I need to go at my own rhythm.
Thanks anyways for the time you took to answer !
lol ikr. talk about double standards
Yeah i agree. She’s being a hypocrite and she should have never shared his family issues with anyone. That’s such a low move. And now when he goes and does the same it’s a problem. Hypocritical.
Hey! Thanks for taking the time to answer my post. While I understand your point of view, I don’t agree with it. His initial concern was me sharing our problems with my mom. I told him I was sorry and would not do it again in which I kept my word for it. While he made a whole problem out me venting to my mom, he went out and did the same thing to his mom, only this time he talked about me specifically whether as I only talked to my mom about trivial things that annoyed me without mentioning people specific.
I understand I was wrong, but my husband went to tell his mom just to take revenge on me and teach me a lesson, I know that because he said it just like that.
Moreover, everybody knows the standards put on the woman to keep a good relationship with her in laws are much higher than a man’s. He went out of his way to tarnish my reputation in the eyes of his mom, when everything I told my mom was more general such as “I don’t like it when they invite us over everyday because I need to rest”.
Again I understand I was wrong. I kept my promise not to share my problems with my mom. I just feel like his wrongdoing was more impactful
It's not a double standard per se. What she did was wrong, but as the husband and leader of the household, he should have more wisdom to know that he can't expose her to his mom. That's a really foolish thing to do and the consequences will be dire. Furthermore, if you go into a marriage with this adversarial tit-for-tat attitude, you are doomed.
I agree with you. OP telling stuff about husbands mom was wrong but it's still different telling about husbands mom rather than husband. Their moms relationship together doesn't have to be much more than formal and it won't really have that big of an impact. Husband telling mom about OP however, may well have damaged that relationship for good and in many cases it impacts future children. Husband pulled a really immature move when he could have been the bigger person. Both are in the wrong but their wrongs have different implications on the family dynamic.
No1 is justifying the husbands actions but she can't blame him for this since she doing the exact same thing. She 100% is ignoring any of her wrongdoing. What she done is also foolish. It is double standard as she is accusing her husband but she has done the exact same thing. Like I said they in my original.post they both done wrong.
I think your mind is overexxaggerating things.
Did you think that you are destroying relationship between your husband's family and your mom when you were probably just venting out to her? No right? Then, in the same way, shouldn't you also give your husband that benefit of doubt, that he was just pissed and probably just venting out.
There is an easy fix to this. Just talk with the MIL and apologize. Say you were stressed and just wanted to vent out and it was wrong of you to do that. Talk about things which you aren't liking in a way that is not combative.
Confront the problem directly. Your MIL has also been a newly married woman living with in-laws once. She will understand. So just tell her, be genuinely apologetic and make mends.
As far as your husband intruding your privacy, ignore it. Undertand that this is his character flaw. Be more careful with what things you share with your family, don't do it on text/emails. With time, as he builds trust, he will get over it.
Thank you for the time you took to answer.
Indeed I didn’t think it would destroy it because I didn’t say anything about my husbands or his family specifically more like general things as I mentioned in another comment. I would’ve given him the benefit of the doubt if he hadn’t told me clearly that he did it to teach me a “lesson”. Which I find upsetting at best.
I did apologize to MIL, but I noticed she is less joyful when I call her to ask how she’s doing. Exactly the things I was afraid of.
I understand, this is definitely not a good situation to be in. It’s up to you. Your husband maybe a typical patriarchal man, which is a norm in our society. If so, To have a good married life you will have to let go many wrongs of his and also be ok being criticised overly for minor faults of yours. Things does get better with time. If you don’t want to chose this life, then be strong enough to call it over. There is nothing Islamically wrong about it as well. Just think through.
This sourness is going to be temporary though, don’t think it is going to be this way and won’t change, even if your heart says otherwise.
The above user posts on /r/exmuslims.
Mods, do we really want people from that subreddit posting on this one?
confused where you see control...he didn't handle it well in this post and not to blame but the worst thing you can do in a marriage is rant about ones family or your own spouse to someone else. that's dangerous territory. I'd feel absolutely gutted if I found out my spouse was going to their mommy about every thing, absolutely no privacy in the relationship.
only time it's acceptable is if you're marriage is on the verge of divorce or you're in an abusive situation and you're seeking advice /need urgent help.
they're entirely both in the wrong here and it's definitely salvageable if they're both willing but I get the sense OP isn't taking accountability.
>Stand your ground. See how he reacts.
Awful advice. They're already in murky water and you want her to test him and rock the boat? girl
I don't understand what's wrong in a husband controlling his wife?I don't support OPs husband for checking her phone when shes asleep,but you have gone way longer by using the term controlling, "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women" what does this mean?from this sub this verse only means men are only used as a currency by women,
Doesn't the above verse subliminally states about a control?
And men are not threatened by your independence,we just don't understand the contrary in calling yourself independent and still need mahr before marriage(for financial security incase of divorce) and use this verse of"men are protectors and maintainers of women" to leech out money from your husband's,,is that what you call independence?
Both are wrong here,no person would tolerate someone who speaks about them to a third person
Get rid off your misandry of specifically blaming "a lot of men are" and most of the men are"
And OP listen to this person only if you want to ruin your relationship
honestly seek counselling. both of you guys had your trust violated and you need to work on building that. you have your post captioned Boundaries, but didn't you cross those when you were airing his familys matter to your mom? hold yourself to the same standard you hold him. he probably went to her because he has no one to talk to and is worried you can't be discreet & doesn't know how to handle this. wouldn't you feel embarrassed if someone was talking about your mom behind your back?
And you may not want to , but you should apologize to him and his mother. make up any reason, say newlywed is being hard, still adjusting, and you seek your mom's advice on things etc etc.
you're allowed to take your time and adjust with a new family but you should really vocalize that with your husband and his family directly
I've done this before just telling people "look I'm a shy person and need time to hang around and adjust to people before feeling comfortable so don't take it the wrong way if it doesn't seem I'm 100% in it".
Either way, counselling x1000
Hi, thanks for your time!
I wouldn’t say I was “airing his family’s matter” as I was talking about stuff that impacted me, and I feel like I’m allowed not to be satisfied with the way things are when it impacts me.
I did apologize to both of them, and I already told him 100 times I’m shy and need time, but somehow he’s adamant on forcing this relationship on me which truthfully turns me off of it more than anything.
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Speak to your mother. Seriously.
Wel I’m trying not to because that’s what triggered him at the beginning! I’m trying to keep my promise to him
He made you promise not to speak to your mother? If that's the case that is abusive behaviour. This is not right. You should not stop speaking to your own mother.
I don't know what you situation is except for what you have describe, but in my opinion you should maintain contact with your mother or tell her what's going on.
It could make things a lot worse than what they are. Forget about the husband. This could potentially trigger a bad reaction from her mom because she could feel bad about her daughter.
Yeah... Reading this makes me feel for her...would like to offer advice but without living in it don't want to say much in case it gets her into more trouble.
If it were my daughter I would say to tell me, but that might not be valid for other people.
With all due respect but is this the guy you mentioned you were in a relationship with for four years. The one who had so many red flags. Did you end up marrying him because his actions is not surprising at all? 😟
Hahaha yes it is… I broke off with him at first but then he came back and we mended things after hours of talking and pouring our hearts out.
He did fix everything I was mad about but nobody’s perfect !
Both of you guys are wrong.
But I wouldn't have done what he had done. Sigh, teaching you a lesson? I mean, he wasn't smart. Instead of teaching you a lesson, he ruined your relationship with your MIL and maybe his marriage. How are you going to look at your MIL after that? He allowed his ego and shaytan to takeover.
I can't believe he actually wanted vengeance. Seeking vengeance only make matters worse in a relationship.
Listen, marriage isn't always pink. Sometimes, it requires adjustments from both sides in order to make it work.
I am married, and sometimes, I have to remain silent on some of my wife's mistakes because she can't and will never change. It doesn't mean she's a bad person. It's human nature. We all have qualities and weaknesses. Nobody's perfect.
Instead, I try to find other ways around to deal with it and it works (ie talking calmly). She does the same thing. Because, myself, I am not perfect. It's after the talk that we have that I realize my mistake.
What he could've done was to talk to you calmly and to find a way to make things better. Automatically, his first reaction should be - okay, if my wife is telling to her mom ABC, it means what I'm doing is bad to that extent. And I'd ask to myself - what can I do to avoid this type of situation? What can I do to fix my bad actions? Also, how can I tell her that what she did was wrong?
I mean, yeah, you might not do it again, but the cord that "attached" you to your MIL is damaged and also, he compromised your trust for him and he ended up make matters worse.
It would be good if you tell him how simple it could've been to solve this issue and that instead, it made things worse. And that if you've done the mistake to do what you did, he didn't help by doing the same thing. That's not how we solve problems.