T O P

My wife doesn't understand why I think this is the funniest thing I've seen in months

My wife doesn't understand why I think this is the funniest thing I've seen in months

AlphaGainzzz

sleep 2 minutes a month workout 3 months a day sleep on the ceiling nut in your meals (extra protein) take shits at the school toilets with the door open (assert dominance) only sleep with men (boosts testosterone)


deltabagel

Why is this System of a Down lyrics.


Urban_Savage

CUZ YOU WANTED TO!


covfefe_hamberder_jr

PULL THE TAPEWORM OUT OF YOUR ASS!


BigSnips

Hey!


WerewolvesRancheros

MAKE IT COUGH UP RENT!


FlashCrashBash

i thought this was a misheard lyric thing but oh god its real why someone help me


couverando1984

Now I am imagining it with Serg Tankian's vocals.


Reddit_pls_stahp

And Daron in the background singing the bracket parts.


skeet_skrrt

id pay to hear that song


cosmicdecember

Lmaooo


altered_state

LOL


DepthSweet

I'm now hearing Chop Suey with these lyrics


Cruciblelfg123

I think it’s way more dead on with Revenga


ap0phis

God Bless You


amkc22

Fuark man. Spot on.


benpuljak

ultimate sigma mindset


Taymerica

Only let men sleep with you* Getting the butt sex always builds more T.


spunkychickpea

Receive seed, absorb more protein. Protein builds bigger glutes. Bigger glutes attract bigger dudes. Bigger dudes have bigger loads, ergo more protein. This allows one to become exponentially more jacked over time.


trevorSB1004

Millionare grindset


Taymerica

Your forgetting the part where you let them blow on your face, cause it's an amazing skin creme!! "Using your partner's sperm as a mask is full of a compound called spermine, which is an antioxidant which can help reduce wrinkles, smooth the skin, prevent acne or spots and give you overall healthy-looking skin." Spermface, the perfect product! Hell rub it on your cat's face! Don't you want them to be pretty too!


keenanbullington

This is the way.


mdoverl

Well that’s amazing


Ok_Fox_1770

This is excellent. off to gargle piss and do pushups like christian bale in american psycho


Fattydrago

I have to return some videotapes


OwnPicture669

Do you like Huey Lewis and the news?


GechoCuts

Cool it with the anti-semitic remarks.


kennytucson

Feed me a stray cat


ladyBONKaLOT

This is the greatest love of all!!!


TomClaydon

Christie, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole


TiPereBBQ

Sabrina, just don't stare at it, EAT IT


Ok_Fox_1770

BRING THE TIRE


keenanbullington

*tyre


doctor-rumack

I can do a thousand now.


Junglen0ise

I still think about him doing sit ups with gory murder movies playing in the background. Or was it porn? I can't remember, I should rewatch it


Mebzy

Literally watched it last night for the first time. I believe it was gory murder movies while working out and porn while on the phone.


rrogido

It's called Bone. Do you like it?


PinkwaterBadgeHolder

Eat a cat.


OwnPicture669

Feed me stray cat


Ankhiris

Or Christian Bale in Batman Begins "The Batman knows no limits" The sad reality is that's what's expected from the serfs five or seven days a week.


almandcelica

Nice, let’s see Paul Allen’s daily routine


outta_my_element

It should say something like “at 00:59, set alarm for 01:00”


Axle-f

Use that minute to meditate about how sleep is for the weak.


Cpkrupa

GET AFTER IT, RE- CALIBRATE , RE-ENGAGE


Beneficial_Trip9782

1:01 am. GET SOME.


keenanbullington

DANCE WITH THE DEVIL BRO


Cpkrupa

I'M STILL ON A WARPATH, GET SOME


howismyspelling

DONT FEEL LIKE IT? FUCK YOURSELF


haupt91

YOUR WIFE DIED? GOOD!


EverythingisVanity20

ITSA DICODOMEY


NinnyMuggins2468

That just gave me a Douche-chill lol.


Strife4

Sprint to work. Berries foraged along the way for lunch


keenanbullington

If you don't have tyre


mcburloak

Tire is used as “berry purse - er cross body satchel”.


lethrowawayacc4

All carbs, need fat and protein you carb cuck.


jeno_aran

IN the freezer fucking got me right away.


keenanbullington

It's gold from start to finish.


BCJunglist

Yea every line just gets better and better. This is a real masterpiece.


SpitefulSoul

Wake up 5 hours before mark Wahlberg (10pm) 10:01p Read hentai while listening to the art of war to learn Japanese and understand their culture, you’re planning to overthrow their government. 11p Workout 3 times in an hour, hernias build character. 12am: Break into the nearest zoo. Hunt an enclosed bear, consume mama bear in front of the cub. Think elk meat makes you a man? Bear meat makes you a god. Leave the cub alive so it grows and resents you, dont worry you’ll come back to eat it too when its mature. 1am: Masturbate furiously, edge and reabsorb your semen, more test. Its now 1:05am. 1:06am Wake your child up with a heal hook, dont worry he’s 6 it’ll heal. He’s building character, dont give him crutches. Limps attract bullies, survival of the fittest. 1:30am: Work 24 hours in 12 minutes, dont worry time is a construct, and you’re Bob the builder. 1:44am: Meditate while edging for 3.5 hours 5am: Break into the nearest bloodbank, your protein shakes need a liquid base. 6am: Fight the kids at your kids bus stop, leave no survivors. 7a-12p: run an ultra marathon with Cam Haynes while jerking off David Goggins, don’t worry its for grip training. 1p-1:05p Train Jiu Jitsu at the nearest retirement home, break their bones and consume the bone marrow. Protein. Rest of the day is a mix of fucking, and hunting feral cats to satiate your inner animal. Just remember the hardest jobs in the world are being a comedian, and being a fighter. You’re both, Fight the doorman at the comedy store. Take his fingers as a reward and use them as props in your act, everyone loves physical comedy.


virtuous_aspirations

spermbank*


baconsnotfriut

asmr?


LELANDYEE

Whisper into a sock.


Butwhyduh

The best explanation of asmr ever.


AssBlaster_666

Go to PornHub and type in “ASMR anal prolapse”. I’m not gonna give you any hints as to what you’ll find


thanif

Fuck it, I'll take the bait


manbruhpig

He still hasn't come back...


Jerbergeron

He either won't because Reddit scarred him, or will because he belongs on Reddit.


Crash_says

!RemindMe 14 minutes


RemindMeBot

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smurferdigg

Reddit ain’t the RB man.


Achtelnote

Too busy jerking off


callan_dtd

Username checks out


C3POsCAT

> I’m not gonna give you any hints as to what you’ll find You just told them to search anal prolapse theyre probably going to find anal prolapse.


AssBlaster_666

Nuh uh


VersaceJones

Well color me convinced!


Amishcannoli

Is that in the 64 or 128 pack of rosearts?


DrDisastor

Its a stereo sound recording of geriactric people mawing their dry mouths endlessly trying to wet their tongues with patient futility.


AlexJamesCook

If I was drinking anything, I would have decorated my workspace reading this. Thank you for the laughter.


nicethingyoucanthave

Did Jocko say he listens to ASMR?


7ksmarmy

I was wondering the same thing


deathbysatellite

Just distant machine gun fire with intermittent screams


itheraeld

[Link to my comment explaining asmr briefly](https://www.reddit.com/r/JoeRogan/comments/op32hx/slug/h63c5jc)


SilentRob54

Ditto this, I’m familiar with the rest.


itheraeld

Automatic Sensory Meridian Response is a self reported unverified response to usually audio sometimes video stimulus, creating "tingles" or shivers along different areas of the body. Commonly the base of the skull, back of the arms, top of the thighs, maybe along your back. Asmr videos made by "asmrtists" usually involve soft sounds mixed with sometimes harsh sounding (paper crinkling, latex gloves sqrinching, that kind of stuff). Usually there's narration, soft spoken or whispered. Although many prefer no talking at all. Sometimes there's actual narratives and scenarios (very much like porn actually, lol). These different inputs are dubbed "triggers" and they happen in every day life. But sometimes people intentionally seek them out because they find them calming, other are revolted and have a visceral reaction. All in all, no true peer-reviewed scientific approval. But an emerging field of people experiencing/reporting something similar.


HellaFella420

Sounds like a bunch of jerk-off's on the internet getting their communal placebo effect on


zombieC18

Satisfying sounds


yaoming76

Don’t know chinese? you will.


egjeg

Even more impressive when you consider that a Chinese keyboard is pretty much the same as an English keyboard.


henryofclay

I don’t believe you. But I also don’t know.


heyimdong

Everyone, look! Joe Rogan himself is here!


keenanbullington

Life really is that easy. Especially learning Chinese


KyojinkaEnkoku

Wo bu shí Zhongguo ren


Spider-land

Are you sure


KyojinkaEnkoku

Of course I sure, you think I not know where I from huh?


ThePalmIsle

TAIWAN #1


jandetlefsen

Typing blind is no alpha skill, more like gamma nerd.


TigerUppercut08

Last line should be- listening to the screams of your defeated enemy as you drift off to sleep.


keenanbullington

Most of the time I am my own enemy so this makes sense.


angiishere

Thats what he meant by ASMR! GOOD!


AnudeStart

I’ll never understand the appeal of ASMR


Ausea89

Do you get the sensation and don't like it or you don't feel anything at all? If it's the latter, its probably because it's genetic and not everyone feels it.


civanov

Visceral reaction for me. Makes me physically ill.


Rimm

Same, like its viscerally gut churning.


Geomaxmas

I have misophonia and you probably do too.


stay_black

I don't like it. GOOD.


GreedyOtamot

It's like massage for the brain


keenanbullington

Me neither.


Yoshic87

Me either, unless I just haven't found the one that does it for me


anonymouslionn

Stoic af. This is what life is all about


keenanbullington

Eat that frog bro. Memento mori.


cdogfly

[You might enjoy this](https://youtu.be/_o7qjN3KF8U)


mister_patience

I loved that. Not quite depressing enough though


ChocolateMorsels

Yeah the Jocko, David Goggins type confuses me. I get it the mindset, but at the same time don't, if that makes sense? Discipline is good and healthy but going to the extremes that they do is just not how I want to live my life. Even though I know that I need a bit more discipline lol.


obi-wan_bronobi

Maybe try gargling more piss?


keenanbullington

Real talk? Goggins is ignores his first kid from what I've heard. Don't take that as concrete fact but it's definitely a "don't meet your hero" moment for me if true. Divorce rates among Seals is sky fucking high because that's all they do. That what it takes. But honesty Goggins volunteers for fire fighting. He's done a lot selfless shit too. I suppose at the end of the day they're complicated men and I shouldn't judge them on their interpersonal relationships that I don't even know the facts. But yeah get yourself some more discipline. I will too.


Axle-f

Good. The kid was only slowing him down.


captelroysilus

I don’t know one way or another. The older I get, the more I realize shit is complicated for folks and I can’t pass judgement on something that heavy with something boiled down to that.


TXhype

Same here bro. Life is complicated with too many variables. We don't always have to have an opinion or judge others. The older I get the more I sit out on shitting on individuals that do wrong.


keenanbullington

It's also just easier not to worry too much about those things. My judgement doesn't rectify any wrongs that may have happened.


captelroysilus

Heard that


keenanbullington

You're 100% right.


theatavist

He mentions a few times that his dad used to beat the fuck out of him but apparently draws no connections as to how tbat has made him have these insane addictions.


Vanderkaum037

Goggins isn't really a model for how everyone should live their life. But he is great at getting me fired up.


WATGU

I read his book 2x and listened to all his JRE visits and I agree. The guy is cool and all but he's psychotic. It's pretty clear he doesn't do well in personal relationships, he just smashes his head against any and all obstacles vs. Taking smarter approaches and it's a series of miracles he hasn't died yet, but I guess I get why he is the way he is. He talks about tripling down on weakness but his biggest weakness is he can't get a relationship to last and is turned up to 11 in constant flight or fight because of his childhood. He should be tripling down on some help for that. He's not wrong everybody can do more but doing what he does isn't more. At a certain point it's at the expense of other stuff. It's not an optimized way to live IMHO, but it's his journey. Also his I was fat now I'm a super athlete story is kinda bullshit. He was a star basketball player in high school, he got chunky for a decade but always lifted weights, then he lost a 100 pounds in a summer by going psychotic. That's a far cry from a person who's been fat from toddler age and never worked out. David already had a great base. I worked out with a former wrestler and football player that weighed as much as I did at my height. He was easily 2x stronger than me and close to the same fat level. It's just not the same.


mister_patience

Finally, an accurate take on goggins. It doesn’t take away from anything he did, but people should know what really happened


weaponizedstupidity

I bet he is addicted to his workouts. You probably couldn't pay him money to just chill, he would freak out.


WATGU

I agree. He actually had a name for it in his book. He's in almost constant flight or fight from being severely abused as a child. I think he has a message worth living and important things can be learned from his life, but I don't know how enjoyable his company might be.


borkyborkus

I always just go back to the first interview where Joe asked, “are you happy?” Goggins replied, “I’m driven”. It made me think he doesn’t really have a concept of happiness.


creep_with_mustache

I can't take him seriously after he said that you shouldn't be listening to music when you go running, because one day when you'll have to run for your life there will be no music


Vanderkaum037

See I'm getting pumped just reading that.


BillSelfsMagnumDong

Yeah that's.... retarded. Why is he so sure I'll have to "run for my life" some day? From what?? A wolverine or some shit? And if I'm being chased by a wolverine, why is he assuming I'd be unable to run without music? So much confusion.


m1a1tanksauce

He bases all of his actions on fear


ShitSucksBut

Some people are **way** more susceptible the the psychological indoctrination process used in military training. Now "embracing the suck" and the associated feeling of accomplishment has become their personality, rather than a means to build unit cohesion and reflexive obedience. Plus it's brand building, cause every day a new ex-Navy SEAL's got a book to sell.


Mammoth-Man1

Me too. I respect these men and what they do especially the discipline, but it's not for everyone. I'm an engineer and on some days I'm mentally fatigued, can't do a 5k or more each day like Goggins does but I try to walk and do a few days of weight training. For me exercise and discipline is a means to an end. I want to stay healthy to be a better person and engineer. For Dave and some of these other guys exercise is all there is. Seems sorrt of a shallow way to live. There should be a productive reason for it.


Cheeseburgerlion

It's the typical warrior mental state. Nothing they are doing is original. But their fight is over and they don't know what to do. They aren't doing anything bad, but the thing they are attempting to recreate doesn't exist any more.


SR414

Good.


CaptianMurica

Green juice Don’t you dare forget the green juice


cafeparfait

That’s the piss. His piss is green


deicous

“What is it?” “Well it’s-*sniff*-it’s green”


jmarcandre

I appreciate the line about the grind of the roaches around his sleeping body.


keenanbullington

Thought that was pretty funny.


coldmtndew

In all seriousness there is absolutely something to the waking up early and working out before you go to work and shit. It’s hard to do but if you have the time, absolutely try it.


AlexJamesCook

I love this thread. Everyone's taking a giant dump on the perversion that exists about exceptionalism being the only answer for life. A happy life is the life you lead that makes you feel fulfilled, with minimal regrets. Edit: changed "exceptionalism is the only answer" to "exceptionalism being..."


keenanbullington

This. Memento mori. Not long after your death, everything you've ever said or done will be forgotten. Live life on your terms.


Minimenema

I read this all in jockos voice


keenanbullington

Good.


ronatello

Best thing I saw all day, going to bed NOW, will make sure to gargle piss and step in Legos tomorrow morning. This was fucking gold


Butwhyduh

Good.


Zen0x161

I'm in class and I almost burst out laughing.


keenanbullington

Good.


hitch21

Killed an unarmed family in Afghan? Good.


elithefeline

Has Jocko ever explained his rationale for fighting in every war, no matter the intentions behind the conflict? I was always curious about his philosophy on that


OttterSpace

Yes he has. In depth actually. Listen to the Jocko Podcast for just a few episodes and he might end up talking about it. Don’t want to butcher his words or elaborate on it myself


zbgs

Which guest is this / what episode?


keenanbullington

Jocko. He's fun. Kind of misinformed and dumb sometimes but great in other ways.


zbgs

Good looks thanks


Kat_Angstrom

Drink piss Wake up at 10pm, walk into the woods immediately Glow of the sun is fading, you don't have a flashlight. Good. There are rabid deer in these parts, and blood-sucking ticks the size of raccoons. They'll be your food. The river tastes like dysentery, like the blood in your mouth that doesn't belong to you or anyone else. This is what you'll drink. The glow of the sun fades, the night is just beginning. There are no rules, its basically The Purge. Take off your clothes, they're getting in the way. Welcome to Reality. This forest is littered with trails, but man-made lines can only hold you back. They say you can only get halfway-lost in a forest, so you go the full way, to the middle and back, in the dark at night. Your flashlights are the fireflies, your shoes are the dirt and rocks. Learn how your feet taste from the inside. Cicadas give away their locations, eat them to teach them lessons. People camping in tents forsake the outdoors- deposit your leavings near their fires and move on: the Coyotes have started howling and you're going to chase them until they wimper. When the rabid deer sense you, run. When the middle of the forest evades you, accelerate your intentions. There's no such thing as Lost, only halfway-lost and two quarter-ways between halfway to nowhere. This is natural and expected. If you survive the deer, the boars come out at 3am, eat the younglings to eliminate their futures. There aren't any bears living in this forest who haven't been eaten- the boars will follow soon enough. Back safely in bed behind closed doors by dawn, soon after the deer turn back into herbivores. Gather more meat tomorrow, or fail and die. Rinse and repeat tomorrow, or fail and die. Fall asleep shivering to keep warm, the tremors an intimidating alpha display of strength. The Sun doesn't reach here and the damp is a local flavor. Sleep through the day without interruption. Wake up, drink piss, repeat or die.


dogstarman

Laughed my ass off.


keenanbullington

It's legitimately one of the funniest things I've found on the internet.


dogstarman

Good.


JamieD86

I fucking love it lol.


keenanbullington

Good.


Destroyermode

This is amazing! I have a jocko shirt i have to stop wearing it because to many people ask about it


WhoAreWeEven

Good


keenanbullington

That's hilarious.


Appropriate-Pop3495

Best thing I've seen in ages!


El_Don_de_Dios

😆😆😆😆


Donahue2

HUSTLE


Eurocriticus

Can't help but think this dude is a giant tool. I know he's done some admirable things, but jesus. Why do you need to make discomfort your brand?


MarxoneTex

Already at "Gargle Piss" I knew this gonna be good.


GerraldTMS

Is that the friend who does 5 marathons before going to work?


stewstewart

Don't know why, but I immediately thought to read this in Rorschach's voice.


boy_beauty

Here you go bro https://i.imgur.com/d0FNnMD.jpg


Vinura

I read that in his voice


selfovencleaner

It’s like every topic somebody brings up; he has a bulletproof argument that he pulls out of his tool chest, even if it doesn’t fit exactly.


forgottheoriginal1

Showed this to people at work. Everyone that knows about jocko loved it. Especially the wolf line.


MotoCoCo

Does Jocko ever laugh??? Asking for a friend. Don’t send him to beat me up. Also, has anyone ever signed up for those tactical experiences his company runs?


lawgiver61

Some needs to take the piss out of these self righteous navy seal douche bags. No one should take themselves this seriously. I love the video of Jeff Monson and Jocko rolling for this reason too.


DestinationUptown

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my words. You think you can get away with saying shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. You didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.


keenanbullington

I'm glad this made an appearance in this thread.


keenanbullington

I thought this was a joke but maybe I need to stop drinking piss.


Plastastic

>His wife is getting ready for bed, lays down on the bed. Jocko comes in, he is stark naked, every inch of his body is covered in baby oil. He looks at his wife. 'When I haven't tasted pussy in a while, I become like this' he beckons his wife to inspect his fully erect penis. Its not very big, its not very thick but Jockos self inflated ego has convinced himself its the most nature defying piece of reproductive organs on God's green earth. 'I will mount you now' he mutters under his breath as he squats down on all four, approaching his wife with slow, determined steps. Jocko is in war mode.


Elecrockcity

None of those things are good.


keenanbullington

No I think you're just vitamin D deficient. If you don't get enough D none of these things could possibly be good.


NastyNathaniel

What passes for comedy in a sub where the majority claim Rogan isn’t funny… smhmh


keenanbullington

Sounds like you don't garggle enough piss.


MrJagaloon

Good


NickiNicotine

the irony is not lost on some of us


NastyNathaniel

It’s kinda impressive really


keenanbullington

It's literally how the Romans cleaned their teeth bro


GroovingPict

if this is the "funniest thing youve seen in months" Im gonna have to agree with your wife


jacob_gaines

More like David Goggins


keenanbullington

EAT THAT FROG


WATGU

I don't think David sleeps. Just chants stay hard motherfucker to himself while stretching at night.


[deleted]

[удалено]


jaretok

This is r/JoeRogan bro we’re all alpha wolves here bro. 😎🤙🏼


i7alianStallion

Start eating elk meat. It'll make you more aggressive


jaretok

“If you don’t eat only elk meat and jalapeños you’re a bitch” - Joe Rogan himself