By - DukeWiltshire
“Maybe you’re too old.” - My MIL to me at 34 despite her having my husband at the age of 35 🤦🏻♀️
We were only diagnosed with MFI too. So she was wrong all around.
My mom had my youngest sibling at 35 and my unicorn SIL had her 1st at 38 and her 2nd at 39.
You are definitely not old lol.
“You can always adopt!”
Oh! I remember another one: “I could never do IVF, I hate needles”. Said by my very pregnant hairdresser. As if I like needles?
I also thought I could never do IVF because of a morbid fear of needles... But here I am. If I could get pregnant naturally, I sure as hell wouldn't be going through all this.
This one always irks me so bad.
A very pregnant former co-worker of mine told me the same thing. She apparently was also struggling to conceive and said that if it didn’t happen she would have looked into adopting.
I wanted to say good for you, but just said adopting wasn’t an avenue I was willing to explore at this point in time.
Yes - all of this. Plus, a lot of people don’t realize that adoption is not easy, even after you make the decision to do it. It is often filled with heart-break and it is incredibly expensive.
My mom told me that my husband and I should put in adoption papers WHILE actively doing IVF. 🤦🏼♀️
I hate this one so much. I am 100% pro-adoption, however adoption is NOT a cure for infertility. Adoption should be about the child - not the parent. And unfortunately people who say "well you can always adopt!" look at adoption as a means to obtain a child, not as a chance to give a child a loving, safe home.
The day after my failed FET my friend with two unicorn babies went on and on about foster care and how that was such a great situation for someone she knows. Just no.
I hate when people who have children easily ignore the fact that fostering and adoption was also an option for them.
“Well, sometimes it’s just not meant to be.”
I didn’t even know how to respond.
My grandmother said this to me as well, followed by, "I don't understand why you can't just wait a few more years and see what happens first."
“It takes time”
“It’ll happen when it’s meant to be”
“My friend’s cousin’s great aunt twice removed did IVF for four years before having a baby”
“My husband just looked at me and I got pregnant!”
“All it takes is one!”
Can we talk more about the “All it takes is one!”
I see that being thrown around here a lot and I know people mean well but for those of us who tried “one,” and it didn’t work, I find that comment so frustrating!!
The comment is so frustrating for every aspect of TTC/infertility. Back when we were first starting treatment we found out my husband’s counts were low enough that we were in the “straight to IVF” territory but decided to try IUI. We heard a lot of “it only takes one!” Regarding sperm when it’s like…no, it quite literally takes tens of millions lol. Even for IVF I’m pretty sure they generally want 2-3 embryos banked per child, so no, it doesn’t take only one and it makes me salty to hear that.
Omg!! Completely agree. I had ‘one’ and it didn’t take. Had three more ER’s. SMh hate this comment
I freakinggggg hate this comment. Literally one of the most insensitive things you could ever say.
Edit: To clarify, it’s different somehow coming from someone who has gone through this. They get it. They know what it takes to get to one good one that sticks. Very different coming from someone who’s never had to stab themselves with injections.
Maybe you should just let your wife have sex with a man...wouldn't that be easier?
I took extreme offense and cried for days about this "joke" from my MIL.
Every older male person we know offering sperm (disgusting).
Omg. Wtf. That’s horrifying. I’m so sorry.
Omg I’m so sorry. That’s unbelievable.
what the fuck—
I’m so sorry this happened!
I’ve also been offered sperm by a few people. 🙄
Same my sil said well my husband seems to get me pregnant by looking at me you can have his sperm.... Like no
I'm so sorry that is f'd up.
Some of the most hurtful ones I’ve gotten from people I love very much:
“I think God must be telling you that maybe you guys just aren’t meant to be parents right now” oh okay, do you have a landline with God?
“There’s so many kids who need a good home like yours, just adopt!” Okay, then YOU adopt if it’s no big deal.
“Yeah I really can’t imagine. If I couldn’t have kids I’d be so devastated and suicidal” oh thanks. Lol.
A newbie came into a TTC sub a little while ago saying she wasn’t trying yet but wanted to prepare in case things didn’t work out, and that IVF was her absolute worst nightmare and she couldn’t imagine having a child that way.
Like, we’re all begging to have a child that way? And I’m glad our lives are your worst nightmare. That feels good.
- “Just relax!!!”
- “You want it too much, you have to let that go”
- “You just need to use the law of attraction”
- “have you tried using ovulation detection tests?”
- “why would you spend all that money, just adopt!”
- “so is it cause of you or is it him?”
- *diagnosed with MFI, then having a poor response to stims and finding out I have reproductive immune dysfunction “wow so you’re even more fucked up than he is!”
“My neighbor’s cousin’s friend got pregnant just before her first IVF appointment so YoU nEvEr KnOw.” 🙄
Yup been told this one.
Just had lunch with a friend who told me maybe I should take a break from fertility treatments and just have sex instead. Oh good idea, I never thought of that 👎🏻
Maybe you'll have twins! Yeah, and maybe i'll punch you in the mouth 🙃 life is full of maybes
Lol.. ugh people
“It’s stress, that’s why you can’t get pregnant. Once you stop being stressed out, it’ll happen”
Umm…everyone in the world is stressed out at baseline. And infertility is stressful.
Also, my infertility was found to be due to a congenital uterine malformation, so no I don’t think stress is the problem here
I hate the stress one. So annoying.
Ugh yep. Just go on a cruise and relax.
“My cousin went on the Atkins diet to slim down for her cruise, and when she got back, BAM - baby! That stuff really works!” No it fucking doesn’t, Sharon from accounting who saw me crying over an OPK as I realized that I hadn’t ovulated AGAIN.
Dont worry women can get pregnant at 50. I know someone who got pregnant at 42 and 50 .. 🙄🤯
“ Are you excited for IVF” - ex friend who was holding her newborn and also said “ I can’t wait till you experience this feeling it’s the best” knowing I may not ever get to experience that.
“ IVF is so cool”
“ Do you put 10 embryos in at once?”
Today a friend of mine, while holding her 8 month old, responded “how exciting!” When I reminded her of my appt with the ivf clinic Tuesday.
Why do people use IVF and exciting in the same sentence? I know they mean well but like read the room!
They don't know any better, I guess. I just say, "Oh yeaaaa.. so exciting." lol. I mean, I am excited only because we are moving forward but I am not excited about the process. And truthfully, exciting is not the word lol.
Hate this comment… yes exciting that science is giving me another option and exciting that we can afford to do it. But I’m not excited that we have to go through it and I’m not excited that it’s painful, not 100%, expensive, intrusive, etc etc. People just want to feel comfortable in a conversation and the only way to do it is by giving it toxic positivity.
“(Person they know or have heard of) had a kid after years of trying IVF. It happened when they gave up, so maybe you should just relax and it’ll happen.”
*Just relax* annoys me more than any other phrase in the English language.
said by a now ex-friend:
“are you both actively trying” — wtf, seriously. we just loved the idea of throwing our savings out the window if it isnt necessary
“maybe the universe is saying you’re not ready” — so you’re saying that 13 year old on the news was more ready?
“things happen for a reason…” — I cannot fucking even. so you’re saying that there’s a lesson I should learn from by experiencing infertility?!?!
"Your nieces are enough!"...
“Everything happens for a reason”
“Why don’t you get a surrogate”
The “everything happens for a reason” one kills me. Like oh really Karen? Tell me what the reason is then! 🙄
Seriously. Please explain why I lost four babies, what is the universe trying to teach me🙃
“Have you tried tracking apps, OPKs, and/or temping?”
“Have you thought about adopting or fostering?”
“Maybe you just need to take a break from fertility treatments and it’ll happen naturally!”
I had someone ask if I have kids. When I replied no, she continued with “well you should consider having them, it’s a beautiful part of life”.
“Your time will come”
“Just pray about it”
“You’re so young. You have time”
Why do you feel the need to give me unsolicited advice?
Ugh, that is so gross and insensitive. One of my coworkers (who knew I was TTC) said “oh, you have to have a kid. You really don’t know what love is until you have a baby.”
I wanted to punch her right in the face.
Disgusting!! People are so clueless and tactless. I know before my difficulties, I would ask friends, family etc about kids, now I’m much more reserved unless they bring it up… but I never said such rude comments!
I would also like to punch her in the face for saying that to you. My mother always say that line or something to the “when you’re a mother” effect. Vomit.
“I would love to be your surrogate! I love being pregnant” My body is perfectly able to carry a baby, thank you 🙄
The only time I thought this type of comment was thoughtful was when it came from my friend’s 7 year old when she overheard us talking about me having to do IVF then volunteered her mom to be my surrogate. 😂 but to have actual adults offer makes me so mad. Like my uterus so far hasn’t proved to be the issue, it’s my ovaries!
But I AM looking for a kidney …. 🌵
Fuck this one, I have heard this one a lot!
I understand it’s meant well but like…it’s extremely offensive. We have MFI only so I can’t exactly explain that to everyone without making my husband feel bad. I wish people would just not say anything when they don’t know what they’re talking about 🙄
They should just say "that sucks" and hug us and bring snacks. Can we broadcast that somewhere??
“If you’re meant to have one, you will”
“It will happen eventually”
Someone told me “You should just get drunk to relax and then it will happen”
Yeah my female coworker said the same but more…basically told me to get really messed up on drugs and alcohol and have sex and that’ll work!
"Have you tried the natural way"
No! How did I not think of that!!
“Maybe it’s a good thing you can’t have kids since our family is messed up.” (Nope, that’s just the aunts and uncles that were abused by their stepmother. I wasn’t and don’t intend to abuse my kids.)
“You wouldn’t want kids anyway. I’m tired all the time.” (Lol, okay Sharon.)
“You’re too old anyway.” (Was 36 at the time)
“Just be positive, it will happen if you’re positive about it.”
I cannot STAND when people tell me how young I am and it will come in time and yadayadayada. Doctors have told me this. “Oh you’re only 25, you don’t need to be worrying about this right now. You have plenty of time.” That’s not the concern! The concern is I’ve been married three years with unprotected sex, actively trying for over a year and I’m still childless! The fact that I’m young doesn’t negate the fact that my heart yearns for a child.
Same same same. Ever since I was 18 it was always “you’re too young” well look at where that has got me. 8 years of trying, almost 30, still no live children.
Very much the same boat! It's so frustrating.
We’ve been told the same thing. As others have pointed out, there can be medical issues that have absolutely nothing to do with age.
My doctor just up right refused to do anything about it. I haven't bought a condom in 7 years and now im 30. Just keep trying you're so young is the most frustrating thing to hear.
That sucks that doctors told you this. I suspect they’re trying to make you feel better, but they should know better.
Oh my gosh, I FEEL this! We started when I was 23, and I'll be 26 this summer. My ob/gyn kept saying, "oh, you have YEARS before you need to worry!" after each failed round of ovulation induction. 10 rounds later, and he's now saying I should give it "one more year" before looking into IVF.
Thank goodness we got a second opinion! Starting IVF this summer.
Omg that’s horrible. I’m so glad my OBGYN took me serious at 26 even though I had only been trying for 6 months at that time.
Still, after an HSG showed no abnormalities and my husband’s SA came back normal, I stupidly believed it would happen naturally because I was young so I tried for 2 more years on my own.
Advice to anyone TTC, definitely don’t wait 2 years to seek help. Screw the stigma of seeking help for infertility
I shouldn't be ao upset because my miscarriages don't mean as much as someone else who is married.
Jesus Christ someone actually said that to you?
Wtf? That’s horrific
Wowwww. Just wow. I am speechless.
“Congratulations!!” Upon hearing we are starting another round of IVF
“I know you’re really worried about your fertility at 36, but imagine how I feel at 30. At least you are married and have found the person you want to have kids with. I’m newly divorced and starting over… and I’m someone who actually really wants kids and always has. I’m in serious trouble” from a person who has no indication of any fertility issues whatsoever
“It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen.”
“There’s other ways to have a family.”
“You guys are such good parents to Shiloh (our cat)”
“It’s good you realize you’re at a place where it may not happen but I’m hopeful for you. It’s still possible even though it may not happen.” (in response to my post-miscarriage anxiety about the universe not wanting us to have a baby).
“Your husband is such a goofy guy, he’s a big kid, he’s supposed to be a dad.”
the last two comments are so triggering, I’m sorry this person said those things, people love to speak out of their ass.
"It's probably your vaccine"
Same person: "it's the fluoride in the water"
OH MY GOD YES THE VACCINE COMMENT
Us: spends 2 years trying and gets up to date on vaccines in between.
Family: well dad gum, sounds like the vaccine killed your ovaries
Yeah one of my friends was like “personally the last thing I’d do is get the vaccine if I ALREADY had issues with my fertility” kindly f off
Uhg, we have heard that too.i hate how it's come to this :(
I was talking to my mom about our IVF journey and after transfer, she asked if my husband and I wanted a boy or a girl.
I was so mad when she said that comment that I told her, “mom do you really think that after putting my body through everything, I’m going to be picky about what we want?”
She didn’t know how to respond afterwards. I know everyone wants to be supportive, but sometimes their comments are unbelievable. That’s why my husband and I only share our journey with certain people. 😤 This journey has sure made me more “friendly” and patient with people. 🤍
We only shared with certain people for the same reason. Made me want to be a better friend to people going through things I don’t understand.
We've been asked that so many times my default answer is "a baby" they usually chuckle or look confused. Either way it ends the conversation lol
Just stop trying! You’ll get pregnant right away!
“Your body just needs time to heal”
Well it’s obviously not doing anything else at the moment so I’m not sure what exactly we are healing from.
My family is actually very sensible and supportive. I guess I’m lucky.
My boss asked if we'd "tried fertilizing the egg" and if we're "doing it enough." The first part was dead serious, but the second was meant as a joke.
Unfortunately, we had to loop our employers in when we started taking a ton of time off for appointments. And they've been mostly great, aside from this one comment.
“Just let me be your surrogate” whenever I complain about a failed transfer.
Say ok and watch them squirm ☺️
"Relax and it will happen"
I have a blocked Fallopian tube and an extremely irregular cycle which makes it extremely difficult to conceive naturally but okay then!
"Have you thought about adoption?"
My mom - “maybe god knows you don’t want kids”
“Well you already have one why do you need another ?”
“I know it must’ve been so hard to see us get pregnant so easily” - a fake friend texted this to me after I posted on social media a long description of my fertility journey & my decision to begin IVF, where I specifically mentioned how people say insensitive, unsolicited comments to me, and that people should be more aware of their words. And she thought that was a good opportunity to say such a weird thing to me. Fun end to this story: her husband almost divorced her after the birth of that child and went on a manic bender…..so I’ll take my life over yours sweetie ;-)
Relax and it will happen
After crying to my aunt when my first FET failed - “you just need to decide whether or not you really want to do this. If you want to keep going, then you can’t let the failures get you down.”
“At least you’re not (insert name), they have it worse because (insert tragic story)”
Um no, that actually doesn’t help.
You are not meant to have a children. You are great at your career. You are meant to have a career not children by my grandma.
All from my mother in law:
‘Just relax and enjoy sex’
‘Did the doctor say you cannot have a baby’
‘Would you take your sister in laws second kid?’
The list does on and on.
The most recent hurtful comment was “oh you’re still holding out hope that’ll happen for you?”
"it's ok, lots of people fail"... this after a CP
After losing my triplets at 23 weeks “everything happens for a reason”, & “they would have been a lot of hard work”.. (seriously wtf!) then after a year of 2 early miscarriages and and one failed implantation I was told “at least you can get pregnant”. Sorry I just don’t see how your babies dying inside you is any better than not being pregnant.
Wow. How insensitive. I’m so sorry anyone said this to you. I had an early miscarriage and someone said this to me too-just think, this means you can get pregnant.
“you are actually so lucky you aren’t pregnant right now, this first trimester morning sickness is so terrible”. — from a friend who fell pregnant while we found out I needed to start IVF
I would do anything for that nausea! What kind of comment is that?????
Omg. I say this all the time! I’ve been WAITING and WISHING for the morning sickness! People don’t get it.
Maybe if you get married in a church it would help (we got married in a civil wedding). 🙃🙃🙃🙃
I once had a therapist say to me, “but if this doesn’t work (referring to a letrozole cycle before we even knew IVF was needed), you can always adopt. There’s a silver lining to everything.”
It should come as no surprise that that was my final session with her.
We are going through IVF to screen out genes for a rare degenerative, fatal recessive disorder that both myself and my partner are carriers for.
Odds of passing these on are at 25% but so far 100% of our embryos have been affected (more than carriers)
I hate people who tell me "I opted out of all genetic screening during my pregnancy(s) because I...
...knew I would love them no matter what the outcome...
...had faith in God that everything would be ok....
...could never consider ending a pregnancy no matter what the medical outcomes might be...
...because you never know what will happen in life, especially with kids...
...because there will always be medical surprises as they grow up...
A hearty FUCK YOU to those people.
Your experience and situation is not the same as mine so dont pretend it is at all comparable. Our odds and statisticaly likely outcomes are not remotely the same and I am not willing to pretend that they are so keep your fake sympathy and perspecitve on the subject to yourself.
My mom . I have a translocation and both my partner and I are CF carriers.
“If you just relax you’ll have a healthy baby”
“Don’t worry I had 6 miscarriages and survived”
“That’s not natural”
“It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen”
I literally could keep going 😒
"Don't work so hard"
"Quit your job. It's too stressful" (so I would have no insurance... really smart)
"You waited too long. We told you to try sooner."
"Are you really trying hard enough?"
"Tell the doctor it's an emergency situation"
These were ALL from my mom. The fourth one was the most hurtful. The last one cracked me up the most. As if somehow the doctor would be more likely to get me pregnant if he thought my infertility was an emergency.
I have nothing new to add except that you hear the same useless stuff if you're trying to lose weight, buy a house, get your partner to do chores, get promoted, etc. People are ignorant unless it's a struggle they've personally had.
My sister: "I'm sure all that artificial sweetener isn't good for those babies" (in the middle of my second MC - like literally while I was bleeding).
That’s horrible. I’m so sorry she said that.
🤷🏼♀️ To be fair, she had no idea that the implication was she blamed ME for the miscarriages. After politely hanging up (obviously), I brought it back up a week later and pointed that out. She was extremely apologetic. People just have no fucking clue how sensitive all these topics can be for us going through it.
"Just get good and drunk, and it'll happen!"
Both my tubes are blocked. No amount of drunk sex is going to fix that.
Most common is definitely “just relax and think positive!” If one more person tells me to just think good thoughts, I will snap.
Not directly fertility related but peak 2020 Covid I had just had my second MC & was undergoing so much testing. My husband & I made a decision to not attend a family gathering indoors because I could not afford to get sick (&was already an emotional wreck). My MIL told me “well my co-workers daughter is 8 months pregnant and a nurse and SHE goes to work everyday and is fine”. 🤦♀️
My favorite had to be my 4 year old niece who barely understands where babies come from told my sister I needed to get a new husband so I could have an baby because she wanted me to have a baby (because that’s what happens after you get married, is make a baby. So obviously who I married wasn’t working lol). Is was just so innocently naïve I just had to laugh. Little does she know he ain’t the problem!
“instead of spending the money on IVF you should use the money for a vacation. then BOOM it’ll happen. that’s where the magic happens”
"You shouldn't have gotten your hopes up because you knew it could've failed"
“Can I give you some of my eggs?”
::::a stressed out mother acting like she’s exacerbated, while looking at her 3 young children running around playing:::: -“you can have one of mine”
I was explaining the embryo grading results to my mom…. I had a few 5BCs. She said “does that mean you will have B/C kids?” Like their intelligence/grades at school.
Lol. I’m sorry your mom said this to you…this is definitely one I haven’t heard before! People just don’t have a clue what actually happens in IVF
It’s become a joke in my family. My mom (and her mom) are obsessed with grades! 😂
My Aunty asked wether we were trying to have children and I said that we had been but we’re not trying currently. She said “Well if you haven’t gotten pregnant by now you probably can’t”. I had actually been pregnant 3 times but had early miscarriages each time and had just had my infertility diagnosed. It was the flippant way she said it that really hurt and tbh I haven’t really had any time for her ever since, in addition to horrible things she’s said to my Mum and cousin, that was just the end. She’s pretty much dead to me.
“Maybe it’ll happen naturally” 🙄
My mother told my sister, who worked her ass off to become a PA, “it probably wouldn’t be so hard if you hadn’t waited until you finished school.” And then when it took two years to work “I feel so sad for people who don’t have kids until they’re older. They’re too set in their ways and selfish to be good parents”. My sister was 30 when she got her LC.
Now I’m doing IVF as well, and my mom knows, and she asked me “wow. Do you think your marriage can handle that?”
“You’re getting old, you better get on it soon!”
After casual conversation with the guy doing my manicure. Thanks, sir, I’ll just remind myself we started trying 3.5 years ago because I didn’t already feel old THEN. 😒
‘Maybe the world just doesn’t want a mini you!’
Ahh let's see. My sister and I get into an argument over something unrelated and her ultimately threatening she was going to blackmail me to my husband by sending screenshots to him when I confided in her about his MFI and my fear that we wouldn't be able to have kids. In that same text chain she gaslights me telling me "i could always do ivf" and when i said its expensive and not guaranteed she said "i could always just adopt". Then my other sister calling me the day after i started stims to tell me she just peed on a stick and shes pregnant. Then weeks later putting me on a group text saying its twins! With above mentioned sister who I haven't been speaking to. So now I'm just "jealous and bitter" since I removed them and their husbands off social media and have had zero contact.
Oh and then someone who didn't know it was MFI saying "why dont you use a surrogate" like sir, nothing is wrong with my uterus if you don't know please shut up. Also, a gynecologist who I went to for a pap prior to my transfer saying "so did they figure out why you couldn't get pregnant naturally?" You would think being a gynecologist she would not just assume fertility is a one sided thing.
A 'friend' to me while my husband was sat right next to us - 'maybe it's not you, maybe (husband) is shooting blanks!' and then laughs at her 'joke.' Unfortunately both husband and I have fertility problems. Even when my husband reacted upset, she didn't back down, trying to suggest we both should have laughed...
I was on a Group FaceTime with my two friends (one is pregnant) and the non pregnant friend said to me, isn’t it crazy that all Jane (fake name) did was have sex to have a baby and you have to go through all of this? I was stunned and didn’t even know what to say.
"You can always adopt"
"It's just not your time yet"
"You just need to stop trying and it'll happen"
"Maybe you need to stop working full time"
"You think ivf is hard? Just wait until labor"
People just don’t understand.
My “favorite” is when moms of 5 kids say honestly I would have been okay without having children or “I wouldn’t have let infertility bother me.” Until you experience it, you don’t know how you would react.
I’ve noticed that my friends who even did IVF will now say that they would have been okay if it didn’t work which I think is easy to say when IVF resulted in children for you. Or they had an “easier” IVF journey I.e. first er resulted in 7 embryos, 1st FET resulted in baby.
“In my day we just didn’t speak about it if a couple didn’t have children, we all just assumed something tragic.” - said my grandma. This one hurt.
“Have you guys considered surrogacy?” - the night before egg retrieval.
When I told her to please not bring up surrogacy or adoption while I’m in the middle of IVF, she responded with “sorry I’m just a problem solver!”
“My body is just made to have babies. I could probably carry a baby right now!” - my massage therapist in her 50s
“I should have been a surrogate. I had such easy pregnancies” - my 50 yr old coworker after listening to how many embryos I have after ER.
“Have you considered adoption?” (I actually find this more hurtful than asking why don’t I just adopt. Asking if I’ve thought to consider it implies I might be stupid. Of course I’ve considered EVERYTHING!)
“You should just stop trying.” (Well then I definitely won’t get pregnant…)
“You need to stress less” (now stressing about stressing too much)
Am I being a bitch or am I correct here…I’m currently very annoyed with anyone even asking me “so what’s going on”. Everyone in our family (mine and husbands) knows that we need a surrogate to grow our family and that my sister has volunteered herself for this huge task. That’s all fine with me, i’m glad people know so it won’t be a shock. But now I’m very annoyed because basically any time i go anywhere with family or my sister goes anywhere, someone always asks “So, what’s going on with that?”. To me, you don’t ask that question. Especially family we see once in a great while. If there is something to share, I’ll share it. If i want you to know something, you’ll know. I find it so rude to be asked any and every time we see anyone! It makes me not want to go to family functions!
I agree with you on this. People probably shouldn’t ask you how things are going on in regards to that, especially if they are not super close to you - it’s one of those things that you will share when you want to. Your family may be asking out of love but it really is a private issue.
One of my mother's friends told her (knowing what I was going through) that she didn't see any point in people getting married if they didn't end up having children.
It's also been suggested to me multiple times from various people that I just need to relax about it and I'll be able to have a child. As if anxiety and negative thoughts are the cause of infertility.
One time, my brother told me that he thinks the reason he and his wife got pregnant on their honeymoon and my husband and I struggled is because he does a lot of foreplay with his wife. He tried to pry and ask about our bedroom "rituals" and suggested whatever we do, more foreplay would for sure get us pregnant.
“So you’re getting a designer baby” - my MIL when we told her that we are doing IVF after ttc for almost 2 years with no luck.
I'm not a very religious person, never have been.
My grandma said "It will happen when it's meant to happen, it's all part of God's plan."
I responded with "Yeah I don't think God has anything to do with this. If he did then he doesn't seem to love me too much, the doctors do though. The doctors will make it happen not God. God already said no for 6 years."
She knew I was going to respond like that the second she said it and apologized after.
Before starting ivf
"Well at least trying is fun!"
I love my husband but fun is spontaneous, it's not as fun when it's scheduled and time sensitive and you know it is probably pointless to try naturally anyways.
My friend literally tried for one month..... didn't do ovulation tracking. Nothing just had unprotected sex for one month and didn't get pregnant. Then tried to relate to my 6 year journey like she somehow gets it now.
My MIL has a snarky comment for everything anyway. She is 71 and told me “i have a friend who did all that fertility stuff and none of it worked” ummmm i think some things have progressed from when you and your friend were TTC 40 years ago
And another friend of ours that asked “why don’t you just adopt” and we hadn’t even started IVF yet
“It’ll happen when you stop trying.” Uh… we’re both women. Pretty sure it’s not going to happen by accident!
Top 1: you should pray.
Top 2: you should make donations, baptize a child, adopt a child, go to a priest for blessings - all these acts of altruism will get back to you and you will get pregnant - that is why people who adopt kids after infertility end up being pregnant. (All these at top 2 said by the same person in the same messsge).
Top 3: we were also having difficulties getting pregnant and then we went to the Priest XYZ for blessings and I ended up pregnant.
You will notice the religion pattern here, I got other dumb stuff but these ones above irked me the wrong way in particular because I am the most non religious person ever (I dare say an atheist). I only ever believe in science.
Me : I am having issues with infertility..
Response : HAH! I know I won’t have issues with that.
“Well at least you already have a kid.” Or even a commenter here congratulated me on a successful pregnancy. A failed pregnancy or FET transfer is still a failure. Secondary infertility is complex but having a successful pregnancy does not make the losses any less painful.
I’ve been pretty open with my mom about our infertility. She’s a former RN and mother of 3 who, as soon as I mention my blocked tube, suddenly has zero understanding of anatomy or the function of Fallopian tubes. And instead of asking questions, engaging, or just letting me vent, says “that went right over my head” and changes the subject.
Another time, a hs friend of mine that my mother is close to started worrying about her fertility. My mom asked me if I would be willing to reach out/give some advice to relay. A few weeks later, she brings it up again and changes her tune to say this friend should instead reach out to another mutual friend who just had an IVF baby “because, well, she was successful”
I know she means well, and doesn’t know what to say, but she does have a talent for putting her foot in her mouth
After our third failed transfer, my SIL asked: “so when are you going to do a surrogate?” Then later: “You know, it was really hard for me to carry a baby when I was 33. You should have a baby sooner rather than later.” Lol ok thanks.
My mom literally said “well I never thought it was a bad thing to not be pregnant” (she had 5 kids very young)… I’m married to a woman also so really just not helpful.
After telling a friend about miscarriage # I don’t even know, “See, your body knows what to do! It will figure it out.” Uh… I have an egg issue first of all…
Same friend also borderline hysterically crying to me in a restaurant while telling me she’s too traumatized to start trying again after trying for 10 months for her first child while holding said child, knowing fully well I’ve had multiple miscarriages, failed IUIs and an IVF, and at the time actively doing stims. You’re scared? I’m fucking terrified!
I informed my boss about going for another ER. He said “what did they (the doctors) say to you to make you do it again?” Hurtful. My doctor counseled me on my decision (pros/cons) and I feel very good about it.
A good “friend” told me last year I should count myself lucky i can’t get pregnant and I’m infertile because she couldn’t think of anything worse than having a baby through covid.
Haven’t spoke to her since
"Don't stress!" as if it's easy!
"It can take 6 months for the affects of the pill to leave your body" ok but if this was the case, why do people get pregnant after missing just one pill?
"It's pot luck" - said by my SIL who was pregnant at the time with a baby she got pregnant with in her first month of trying.
“You should just have twins”
Oh, thanks. I didn’t know I could just poof twins into existence. Also, don’t worry about the complications it’s put out there for me or them.
My MOH telling me it was a good thing I had a miscarriage when I did because it's better to have one early on and hey, at least I can get pregnant!
MIND YOU... this is coming from someone who had multiple unsuccessful attempts with IVF 30+ years ago and adopted her two children. How sensitive.
At least you know you can get pregnant.... after losing my first transfer to an early mc.
It's probably her fault since she's older... we suffer from male factor infertility and this was from his mother.
You have more on ice... as if the one I lost was a drop in the bucket.
You should tell anyone you're pregnant until you really know... mil (again) after hearing the heartbeat for the first time.
I could go on and on but I've honestly tried to forgot most of them. Ppl do not understand how hard the ivf process is, what is entails and the tool it takes mentally and physically on a person
And I no longer care to explain.
It's the reason I don't share any personal struggles with anyone. When friends/family ask me why we don't have kids, and I respond with "God didn't send us one". I'm not religious, but after they hear this, no other comments or questions follow. They sometimes respond with "I will pray for you". And I'm like ok, go ahead.
My sister in law was aware that we had infertility issues and would most likely go through IVF. On Mothers Day (a day where I was already sad and felt left out) she said that her and her husband were thinking of reversing his vasectomy so they could have a third child. I was so angry by her lack of consideration. We were together with my husbands family when she said this. I had to move to another room and sit by myself for a moment because I was so upset. Then everyone proceeded to tell stories about how their babies were delivered. To say I was upset was an understatement.
Asking why you didn’t adopt or use a surrogate, that’s when you say did you know that both of those options are 3x the amount of what one IVF cost.
I told my male boss (without wanting to - he was questioning all my doctor appointments) and his response was "how exciting!!!!" It annoyed the crap out of me - why people think this is considered "exciting" is beyond me
"You can always adopt. It doesn't have to be yours to be your child. There's alot of children that need families."
My friend had 1 miscarriage and 1 living child and they were about to start trying for their second. She said I'm afraid of having a miscarriage and somehow slipped in "being like you" in there. I've had 7 miscarriages and have no living children. We were pregnant at the same time for her first child and I lost it and she of course has a beautiful boy. They now have a little girl. It took me a year to speak to her after that, good thing covid happened.
My husband's female cousin said 'maybe you subconsciously don't really want to get pregnant and that's why it's not happening'. I was so hurt by this. At the time we had been trying for 2 or 3 years for baby two. We are on to year 7 now and still working at it. I don't talk to her anymore unless it's a family get-to-gether and I only make small talk.
"You should be happy with all this free time without kids ... Enjoy it" - my sister!
I got so angry and still am.
“It took so and so 3 years, just relax. Well anyway, you believe in science..”
My sister after dealing with her kids shed always tell me they're exhausting and I don't want them anyway, I've been blessed.
Do you trust that doctor? While being actively diagnosed with obstructive Azoospermia.
Oh you can do IUI after a TESE right?
It is the Covid vaccine.
You need to eat raw oysters and asparagus.
no tight underwear.
Rant: did everything right; gets born with bi-lateral inguinal hernia, and crytorchidism, appears that those repairs caused a blockage. Basically, accidentally given a vasectomy at birth. Natural pregnancy? Get stuck by lightning, win the lotto, and have the earth crack open beneath you at the same time. No amount of vitamins are going to fix that friends. Good news no more condoms.
In the middle of doing Northindrone Acetate and Lupron to treat my endo for my transfer in May, my friend who also has endo messaged me to say “have you thought about doing the surgery? I’m worried about the effects of this medication on you, some people get spontaneously pregnant after” keep in mind I already have embryos waiting for me & I have no partner (both of which she knew). I came “this” close to exploding I’m pretty sure.
My sister (who I don’t get along with) said, “maybe it’s just a sign you need to work on the family you have (her) and not create one.”
“You never know what will happen once y’all stop trying and the pressure is off!”
Said by friends after telling them our diagnosis: MFI due to a missing Vas Deferens. Meaning we will absolutely never get pregnant without medical assistance. One of the girls had gone through IVF for her first and then magically got pregnant with her second a few months after giving birth, so since it happened to her, it could happen to anyone. 🙄
At least we will in a day with science that can help you! -___-
"you have to pray more, strengthen your faith"
When I made the step to move to IVF, one of my coworkers (who was only THREE classes shy of being a doctor twenty years ago!) told me that the doctors were only hurting my chances and if I would just stop trying it would happen.
I think the hardest has been no response/support from loved ones
“Maybe when I get pregnant with my second child (friend w a 6 month old) we will get pregnant at the same time with your treatments”
“I know you want a baby but it’s so hard and I never get to sleep and when I was pregnant I was so sick” as if going through IVF is a walk in the park. I kindly reminded that person I have to go to through so much and then I also have to be pregnant
My MIL said "there's not much to it, is there?" when discussing our struggle to conceive (she doesn't know we are doing IVF). So insensitive and clueless.
I am very private about my journey and doing IUI/IVF. Admittedly its less support but less hurtful comments.
I should preface in part by saying I am Hispanic, my dad was 1st generation American and my mom is Native American and white. The few people I have shared it with have been mostly good but my mother will joke fairly often "we can just go down to Mexico and buy one, we could pay off a priest and get papers" 🙄. I got really annoyed at one point and just said that was illegal. I know she was joking but I just got so tired of it. My mom is not a bad person and she was genuinely just joking but it got on my nerves.
We have been married 8 years so most people have quit asking "when are you going to have kids" probably just assume we don't like/want kids but that isn't true.
Another comment that was meant in jest but still rude was my godmother who asked my husband if he "knew how to do it".
Yeah I'd rather keep it to myself. My good friend has been supportive though she doesn't fully understand and I recently learned a cousin of mine (who i wasn't close to before) is going thru IVF too. Its nice to have someone who understands more.
A convo with my MIL before we started fertility treatments, but were looking into it, and sharing the details with her-
Me: We are going to call this month if I’m not pregnant.
Her: well you guys need to do something, this is obviously an issue.
Me: We are. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
Her: You need to talk about it in order to figure out what to do about it.
Me: We (my husband-her son- and I) talk about it every day, believe me.
Her: well, I don’t get to talk about it!
"Have you tried using those ovulation tests?" -My MIL when I said it'd been 16 months of trying.
I did snap back with a oh we don't use those we already have sex a couple times a day.
I video chatted my mom to tell her we can start iui! We got on the subject of my cousin, and his new girlfriend. She said "Well hopefully they can't have kids, otherwise you won't get anything from grandma"
I cried for days after this one.
When I had my first miscarriage “it’s fine! It’s all part of the game”
_not sure what game_ my friend who now has two kids was talking about! Like, as if having x number of children is some competition? Pass.
“Having kids is not an easy job! You need to prepare yourself for the worst. Kids aren’t that great y’know!”
“I didn’t even know you wanted to have a child so badly”
Both those statements was given by a close friend of mine who recently had a baby and I haven’t even bothered to wish that couple “congratulations” !
Conclusion: I have no friends. It’s just my husband and me trying to ignore all the negative statements made by family members, friends who were close and trying to live our lives.
“What will be, will be!”
“It only takes one!”
“You can always adopt”
“You’re too young to be infertile, maybe you should see another gyno?”
“I know someone who had issues and they *insert ridiculous story that has nothing in common with my situation*”
“You’re too young for kids anyway”