The fact that after **all of this**, it still might not work. And the fact that I feel like my life has been on hold for the last two years.

Yes! If I knew after all of this, it was guaranteed to work, it would make all of it so much easier. But, there’s always a chance it just doesn’t work out.

I also think it’s one of those facts that many folks don’t realize before starting the process.

This here. I thought I’d be in and out of this process 6 months, here I am 1 year later with no success and your whole life is consumed by it

Yes! I dread the “what’s new?” or “how have you been?” questions. Nothing is new, I’m not doing great - I work, do IVF and that’s it. But you don’t want to tell people you’re doing IVF so you respond with nothing is new.. like I’m an uninteresting person.

I also give uninteresting response to “how are you”, cuz it’s too painful to talk about otherwise 🤕

Ditto same on both points and the first period after failed IVF, i think i have died a thousand deaths, never had such a terrible pain.

Exactly this^

The waiting... All the waiting all the time at every step

Yes!! I’ve been saying that it’s 1 % things we can control, 9 % things we can’t control and 90 % waiting

I like this!! Seems so accurate.

TWW on energy drinks and steroids at the same time.

And then if it fails (which it did) waiting to see if you can even try to go through it all over again.. 🙃

Hardest part is you have absolutely no control of the outcome.

100% this 🔼 You can be the healthiest, kick-assiest, awesomest, Nobel peace winner activist, health guru, yogi, superhuman whatever, kindest hearted person and yet there is nothing but a full surrender to the outcomes of ivf that are not even within the scope of our control. Egg count, fertilization ratio, Aneuploidy possibilities, surprise surgeries (polyps? Adhesions? Etc), implantation ups and downs... Full surrender. The difference between some of us is our mind set. **Our minds and our perceptions shape our experiences**. I like many others here, have had what some would consider set backs in ivf but I chose to have only good days since I started. I get to choose how I feel, I also have to surrender to the flow of ivf. It'll take me where it takes me, with or without my input 🙂

Sooooooo GOOD. Starting end of this month

Good luck to you!

THIS.

Waiting, finances, and missing out on life. I feel like I haven’t made plans in a year. Can’t travel, missing events, missing friends. It sucks.

I feel this a lot. It’s like life is on hold. And you don’t know if it’s even going to work.

Definitely agree, the waiting when you don't know what's going to happen next. Absolute worst so far has been when they told me at 6w scan that they don't see the embryo and to come back in a week. Then they confirmed a blighted ovum and I was to wait if I miscarry naturally or not. I did, but there was still some residue so they gave me some meds, so wait another week. Didn't work so D&C. Then wait a month for another check up if everything is ok. Now waiting for next period so I can start 2 month 'menopause' before trying again, but this is not that bad since I know the approximate timeline and what's going to happen.

I’m so sorry for your loss <3

<3 thank you! Sharing helps a lot!

I'm so sorry to hear that! I'm wishing you the best ✨

thank you! <3 I was prepared for the option that it would not work, of course it was hard to lose it after confirmed pregnancy, but really the dragging outcome and not being able to move on for weeks was worse.

I just went through the same thing. Empty gestational sac and at the next appointment it was still empty and now "misshapen"... I elected to take the suppositories which I thought had passed all the tissue, but at a follow up a few weeks later he said my lining was like 12mm thick. So I took the suppositories again and this time I was positive I passed all the tissue, but at the follow up I was still like 12mm thick.. so we finally just said D&C to clear it out.

sending hugs! At least our uteruses (or is it uteri?) are trying hard to do their job

The emotional aspect is way worse than shots. The shots were easy and painless - even PIO! The waiting was horrible. The failed transfers were excruciating. The knowing that my body can’t do the one thing it was designed to do is demoralizing. The feeling of being treated like a lab rat because “I don’t know how else to help you” is dehumanizing. Feeling hopeful but being terrified of letting myself feel hopeful is a feeling I can’t even describe. Infertility is cruel and even IVF not being a guaranteed “treatment” is SO hard! Good luck and know that you aren’t alone ❤️

The waiting. And the knowledge. I wish all I knew was “pee on a stick, see a positive, baby in 9 months.” But I know so much about everything that can go wrong at every step.

Feeling like my life is on hold.

Yes! Not being able to plan. Buy the new place? Erm, not right now. Buy the new car? Nope, let‘s wait. Plan a trip with friends? Uh, sorry can‘t commit to anything. 💩

It’s really the worst.

Feeling dehumanized and humiliated on a daily basis. For me the constant ultrasounds and feeling exposed really got to me. No matter how polite and considerate the caregivers are I just hate it.

I agree. I didn't think it would be like this prior to starting IVF, but it was brutal for me. I think it's something that also weighted a lot on my sex drive, which was approximately zero during and right after treatment.

Yes!! I have no sex drive right now 😥 I feel like a bloated science experiment, not a woman.

I totally agree with you. The dehumanization component for me can make me feel like I am just a bystander and waiting to see what my body is going to do next.

This. 😣

This!!

In a different sort of way it’s been friends all around me getting pregnant for the first and in some cases second time

I second this. We were one of the first to get married and TTC in our friend group. Many have babies and toddlers already. Basically every time we see some of our friends that got recetly married, I am preparing myself that they are going to announce or watching closely if the woman drinks. I hate this jealous and bitter person I have become.

Mantra from my doctor is that it’s okay to not be okay. I want to be happy for my friends and all but some of the time is just annoying. One talked about how she’s going to start trying for a second at this specific month because they want their first to be exactly 28 months older. And like oh how nice you’re able to plan things down to the month because it’s so easy

Agreed it’s ok not to be ok. I stopped hanging around people that were too triggering or insensitive.

Waiting and feeling like my life is passing me by. Even successes make me feel like I'm only setting myself back further, because there's no way that this will actually pan out. A few weeks ago, a group of friends was talking about everything that had changed for them in the three years since the beginning of the pandemic. So many of them were like "moved across the country!" "bought a house!" "had two babies!" and I felt legitimately sorry for myself looking at the shitty apartment we've been in since 2019, in a town I hate, working at the same company. The only thing that's changed is that I've gone through significant trauma and feel like I have nothing to show for it.

In addition to the waiting and the worry, the finances and the insurance for some of us.

Yessss at the finances. I know I'm lucky my husband and I can afford it but almost snapped at a random Northwestern Mutual salesguy calling up random lawyers for wealth management advice. Yeah I don't need wealth management anymore, I'm throwing my random money at treatment.

The waiting, the limbo, and the failure.

Absolutely. The waiting is soul-crushing and the worry is nonstop, because even if you clear one hurdle (like retrieving a decent number of mature eggs!) you have to immediately start worrying about whether they'll make it blast, whether they'll be euploid, whether they're implant, whether the pregnancy will go to term, etc. And somehow, there always seems to be another 1-2 months wait around the corner. SOMEHOW there is always another delay that pushes the next stage of the treatment (or the next transfer) back just a little more. I'm so over it. I try not to give in to jealousy and envy too often. But sometimes, I'm so freaking bitter toward all my friends who simply threw their BC in the trash and got a positive pregnancy test four weeks later. It's insane how cheap, easy, and mindless this process is for most people. Most of my friends didn't even chart/temp for a few months. They didn't use OPKs. They didn't time their intercourse. They just stopped using contraceptives, and boom! Pregnant!! Sometimes it makes me want to scream. That emotional aspect of the journey is really hard...like a lot of people doing IVF, I feel like I've become a more jealous and bitter person since all this started, and I hate that.

I agree with everything you said. In addition, I worry about researching to be informed on what I can try to increase my odds because I don’t get this level of service from the medical partners (doctors, nurses, etc.) I also think one of the hardest stressors are not knowing if and when it’ll work for me. Initially my stress was the procedures and medical anxiety. Soon I got comfortable with them and the stress changed to the waiting between the cycles and steps. After going through multiple IVF cycles, I have accepted the waiting and learnt how to distract myself but the stress has changed to “would it ever work?”. If I knew when it will work, a lot of my stress will vanish. ETA - wording

Yes! I'm a person that needs to know the next steps so the unknown is killing me slowly. It's so easy to stay not to stress and not to think about it but the action of doing so it impossible at times. I always keep in mind, in the end it will be SO worth it! I hope everything works out for you ✨

The uncertainty. On more minor and practical levels - not knowing when you’ll need to be available for scans or procedures, so having to avoid booking in meetings etc as much as possible just in case. On a more significant level - not knowing what your own results will be and coping if they aren’t what you hoped for. Initially I was most worried about injections and the physical side. That’s nothing in comparison to feeling out of control and having to just hope for the best.

For me, it just took up my entire brain space. The hormones didn’t help but I could barely do anything else during stims but think and worry about what was going on inside. What was disappointing was feeling down on my body for not performing well enough. That’s tough to shake even though you know it’s biology and not a whole lot you can do to control it.

Honestly, the hardest part for me personally is psychological, the stakes feel so high and I want to basically go into hibernation and avoid any possible exposure to as much as a cold. Which has caused a lot of tension between myself and my extremely extraverted husband. I think one of my biggest take aways has been that nobody will care or know the extent to what you are going through, which is why I think I have found this community so important in the process. You can have a super caring and supportive partner, but at the end of the day, it's your body.

The needles were the easiest part honestly, once you do it a couple of times it becomes a non event in my opinion.

The magic, joy, and mystery of having a child turning into a completely clinical ordeal. That was one of the hardest parts for my wife and I. You just end up feeling anxious and exhausted rather than excited about the possibilities.

I already seconded the waiting but there is one more thing that comes to mind. If you choose not to open about the process, it's very hard to stay social. We have told a few friends, but I absolutely hate hanging out with people who don't know, getting asked how I am and what's new in my life. Because all my energy is going to this and there is so much going on with all the hormones and check ups and procedures, there is absolutely nothing else that could be new.

Yeah that's totally understandable. I've only told about 2 people but I didn't want to tell a lot of people in case it doesn't work out and now that's a lot of time repeating something that hurts.

It’s all “hurry up and wait”

That you’re trapped … can’t make plans, can’t focus on other things, need to make it the center of your life… it’s all consuming!!

The constant moving goalpost of anxiety. You think it’ll get better/easier after this or that but each time the anxiety moves along with you and gets worse. You think you’re going to get a chance to breathe but it never comes. Tw: success In my experience, Even after a positive test, then a good ultrasound, then weeks and weeks of good results, etc etc. the anxiety doesn’t lessen. The years of treatment and the anxiety cause some intense infertility trauma that follows you into pregnancy which was a gut punch and made me feel very guilty. For me, the only way to start overcoming it was therapy.

i think coming to realize that nobody knows what they're doing and the state of the science simply is not that advanced. when you're a difficult case, as i've been, that realization is destabilizing because you just can't know if it will ever work for you, and why/why not. the waiting sucks. PIO sucks. the anxious mornings awaiting phone calls suck. but coming to terms with the gross underinvestment in fertility and women's health is the most depressing, shittiest part of all of it.

Yes, so much this. It’s ‘lets see if this works’, not ‘this works for x reason on x people’

Also want to mention the overlooking of male fertility! All the shit we do to prep and prime our bodies, the medication, etc., and all doctors do is tell the guy to avoid hot tubs. There’s gotta be a whole lot more science can learn about what will make 1/2 of the equation better…

Not knowing what is going to happen, not being able to plan anything or go away as it might land during a time when you need to be monitored. Not wanting to be hopeful as things keep failing and it seems harder when you're hopeful. I am at the point that I feel it would have been better if I was told 'nope, no chance of pregnancy' and I could have just grieved and embraced my life rather than years of this.

I thought it’d be the injections and the dreaded hunger games but for me the hardest part is seeing babies , happy families and longing for motherhood. IVF gives me this feeling that while I’m definitely not pregnant , it’s a weird limbo. I feel like I’m doing everything I can do so I feel closer to than I’ve ever been so it’s like a different kind of ache.

Endless worrying! Once it does work, you worry about everything during the pregnancy and if you could be doing anything to jeopardize it.

The wait, the setbacks, and knowing that there isn't anything anyone can do beyond this is the hardest part. If this doesn't work for me, there's no where to go from here for biological children.

The hardest part is losing babies I love with my whole heart after spending so much time, energy, and money creating babies. Every part of IVF has been challenging for me, but all of the challenges pale in comparison to baby loss.

The hardest part for me was the disappointment and managing expectations. There were highs and lows and you want to have hope… then reality hits.

Lack of control over anything and the waiting are the hardest for me. In addition to that the fact that it’s not guaranteed and the financial cost.

Worst part of fertility treatment for me All the time it takes to drive to RE appointments, sitting in the waiting room because they are always running behind, and then trying to juggle working a full time job. Stresses me the F out. I feel stretched so thin all the time and have zero time for self care.

Worst parts for me: - The unpredictability of delays, failed or cancelled rounds, additional testing or procedures, added meds to FET protocols, etc etc - The two weeks following stims where my hormones and emotions are an absolute mess

The wait has been tedious for me 😩😩 not knowing if everything is working out or not. Not knowing if my embabies are growing or normal. That two week wait 😭 I thought it would be the injections but nope. It’s that wait

The waiting for results at different stages was the worst, followed by having to travel an hour for daily monitoring followed by isolating to avoid covid during the hottest weeks of the year. Injections was pretty low down actually

Waiting and worrying has definitely been the worst for me

The waiting, definitely the waiting. The negative beta after a FET hurts pretty bad too.

Definitely agree with you, the worrying and the waiting for me is the worst. We are getting ready to start stims within the next few weeks and I feel like I’ve spent so much time waiting and waiting and waiting. Waiting for test results, then waiting for appointments to discuss said results, now waiting for the pharmacy to call me to order everything and waiting for my cycle to start. I’m not even nervous about the injections at this point, I’m excited to stab myself!

For me it’s just the annoyance of not being able to plan anything. The calendar is completely dependent on my body. And waiting around. Waiting for the cycle to start, waiting for FET, TWW.. things just take so much damn time

For me, the hardest part of IVF is when it fails.

The waiting, the unknown, the bad news. It’s all so bad that the injections or even dealing with the pharmacies and doctor visits don’t even register for me. The wait to find out how many fertilized eggs became blastocysts and then the wait to find out about testing have always been the absolute worst for me, other than my miscarriages obviously. It’s just a feeling of being completely out of control.

The sheer mental exhaustion of your diagnosis and multiple setbacks with no guarantees. First it was miscarrying or not getting pregnant and not knowing why. Almost a year of OBGYNs waving us off, D&C and hysteroscopy with no answers. Fertility clinic finally. Diagnosed with translocation. We were probably $10k deep by that point. Refinancing our house to pay for IVF. Starting IVF and having a really shitty retrieval. Doing another round and getting a slightly better retrieval. Doing ERA, EMMA, ALICE. Going under for polyp removal. More waiting. Transferring a euploid. Miscarrying at 8 weeks with no explanation. Waiting 2 months for hCG to go down. Transferring again. Cycle canceled due to polyp. Another surgery. Transfer again. Chemical pregnancy with yet another euploid. Transfer 3, everything on the line with our last 2 embryos. No pressure. Wait for hCG to double, see if it has a heartbeat, see if it sticks or fails again at 8 weeks. It is enough to test you to your very core. I feel like even if this does work out in the end, I'm gonna be in therapy for years to process the trauma of it all!

I’m so sorry. Wishing you all the best. You are strong. 💕

This must all be so hard for you. I’m about to start my IVF journey and absolutely terrified when I read stories like yours. I’m so sorry it’s been so hard. Hang in there.

I am wishing you all the very best! IVF is so tough. TW but this story has a happy ending- I just reached 28w with a baby boy who is kicking away like crazy as I type this. He was one of our last two embryos I referenced above! I wish I had some sage advice about this whole thing, I think my takeaway is to keep on living life through this whole process and take it one day at a time. My biggest regret about IVF is putting my life on hold for the next transfer, procedure, whatever- living life as normally as possible would have helped me cope more in hindsight. Sending so many good vibes your way.

So glad it was a happy ending for you. Soak up the baby kicks. Thank you for your advice, I really needed to hear this!!

I’ve only done egg retrievals and have not gotten to the point of transferring anything yet. For me, the hardest part physically is the week or so after egg retrieval. I always get moderate/severe OHSS. The hardest part mentally is waiting for results. The first time I made embryos and waiting for each update was stressful. The second time I only froze eggs so that wasn’t so bad. The hardest part emotionally is the general worry about the future. In my case, I am 39 and my relationship is not in a good place. I’m pretty sure I will end up moving on from my partner, but haven’t 100% decided yet. The hardest part logistically is going to all the appointments and keeping up with work. But it was totally doable with earliest appointments and somewhat flexible work schedule. The hardest part financially is having to pay it all myself. Meds and surgery costs alone were over $10k, not to mention the monitoring and consultation appointments. The injections weren’t bad and I felt great physically during stims.

It’s hard to pick one. To me overall would be the loneliness, I found it hard to talk to partner and he didn’t ask v much. The hormones made me pretty crazy too which just made me feel more alone and all the build up to finally being pregnant (4 months from ER to FET) and then having an early miscarriage sucked.

I'm sorry ☹️☹️.

The hardest part for me was having failed transfer or miscarriages and everyone around you getting pregnant.

Sorry to hear that ☹️. I hope everything works out soon 🙏🏽

The waiting , the rollercoaster of bad and good news , not having control over anything and having my life in limbo until we wait and wait and wait …. and that there is no guarantee and the chances are small , isolation and feeling like no one understands ( unless you have done fertility treatments ). IVF sucks and I am sorry you are on this path ❤️sending hugs

Being present at work when I honestly don’t care, IVF takes up all of my energy.

This is so trueeeeee! There's been times I missed calls from my clinic due to being in meetings at work and unable to be focused for the meeting cause I'm thinking about what could that call I missed be about!

The money. If I had enough money I could keep doing this over and over again. But I don’t even have enough money to do it a second time should the first time not work. So just knowing I only get one chance is debilitating.

Waiting 100%. The injections, procedures and every other part was easy. Paying for it also sucked.

The amount of time lost from being unsure and full of worry, panic, pessimism, and fear. That is far and above the worst and hardest part.

It's the waiting for the next let-down, and the worrying, as well as following up with clinics to make sure they are getting what needs to be done on time, billing and insurance paperwork for me! The admin crap was almost as stressful on a daily basis as the waiting. The shots were nothing!

The fact that nothing is guaranteed. I paid for FET and am doing all the hormones and I’m sure this FET failed. So I’m a hormone mess and it was for nothing. THATS the hardest part.

it’s the waiting game for me! i keep hitting a variety of delays which is really frustrating! first, i waited about 10 months for my funded cycle (i’m very lucky to live somewhere that provides government funding!!), then waiting for FET lining check only for cycle to be canceled. then finally getting to do a transfer and waiting for beta, then it fails, then i got a new job so held off on any transfers for a few months, then tried to do another FET only to find out my viral blood work expired so had to wait a whole cycle before being able to do an FET, then TWW (failed again), then my partner’s virals expired while he was out of the province for the month, and he happened to get back right as my period started so now we have to wait for my next cycle to do another FET! truly thought waiting for the egg retrieval would be the longest part but it’s been almost a full year since my ER and i’ve only been able to get in two transfers in all those months lol. i’m getting very impatient! my first transfer was in July 2022, second in February 2023, hopefully my next one will be late April/early May

Curious, why did you wait to do a transfer after changing jobs? I did my transfer 3 weeks into my new job. Just took a sick day.

it's a contract position with a good chance of becoming full time, so I figured if I waited a couple of months before trying, i would have a higher chance of making it to the end of my contract and getting full time. It's the best paying job I've ever had and has a great pension program, so I didn't want to throw it away if I got pregnant within my first month of being there as I'm hopeful I'll get full-time. It was a hard decision to make though, for sure! If it was a permanent position from the start, I wouldn't have waited.

Makes sense with your goals!

The lack of control of anything. So infuriating.

Yep the waiting & the limbo especially after something goes wrong & you question if this will ever work for you. I hate it so much.

Yes to all this. I was just talking to a friend about this…. The extra injections, meds, labwork, and constant scans start to make you think something is wrong with you (and you think yes it must be, otherwise why couldn’t we get pregnant naturally?!). I feel cautiously optimistic because every piece of good news comes with a “but… let’s continue monitoring and see”. All the waiting, worrying, and finances…. The fear of disappointment is real because it’s been so much work and yet you have no control. I also felt particularly stressed bc we made the mistake of telling some friends about trying to get pregnant and it’s amazing to me how rude some people have been, like they know it’s not appropriate to ask about other medical things but when it comes to pregnancy they feel entitled to pry and make light of a situation. I talk to 1-2 close friends that I trust and that’s it now. I avoid everyone else.

100% the waiting and worrying! The physical side has actually been easier than expected for me.

100% the worrying and waiting. All of the unknowns are too much. My bp was constantly up, anxious like no one’s business. I’ll tell you one thing though… I’ve learned a whole new patience in this process. I feel like I’ve been in training for parenthood 😂

Definitely the wait and worrying. I disagree about needing to put life on hold priorities may reshuffle but there's no reason to put everything else on the backburner

I thought it would be needles, but they were okay for me. Lack of a guarantee is of course the hardest. Missing time from work for monitoring is tough too.

Waiting and worrying. In that order. Suffering loss and being told that the next try won’t start for another two months (if you’re lucky). Am I really expected to be able to relax and enjoy that time?

I wholeheartedly agree with this. For a while, it felt like every single day the clinic was calling or there were results posted on my portal. Every time my phone rang, my anxiety increased exponentially just waiting to hear what the latest data were or what the next steps were. It can be so tough!

1) Waiting on everything 2) Friends and family who think they are supportive with their advice without understanding the whole picture 3) nurses and financial that takes forever to respond 4) annoyed at people who can naturally conceive (this point just makes me feel like the bad guy, but it’s true)

The progesterone shots, and physical discomfort and weight gain due to the hormones. The waiting can be handled, I found it comforting to know I was on the right track. Step by step is fine. Staying positive was hard, although I was advised it matters a lot, so I did “try” to stay positive. I then did the transfer, and I’m now in 2nd tri. It’s also harder to enjoy the beginning of pregnancy when you’ve done IVF and you don’t feel quite secure, it’s like, “when can we be happy and feel like “it’s happening!” or is it too soon?” You just gotta try to not let it damper your joy, bc it sure can.

I think about that sometimes too & my boyfriend says the same, as long as you're on the right track and doing what needs to be done that's what matters the most! So happy to hear it worked for you. Sending positive vibes to you until baby comes and after 💕

The waiting and the scheduling interruptions. It’s like some of the sacrifice of having a child without having a child

The idea that i'll pay 10s of thousands of dollars for possibly nothing with years of my life passing. As someone on this sub said, " I should just light my money on fire, at least then I have control and a guarantee of the outcome." There's little else in my life where that risk paired with so much waiting is happening.

Vote for the ‘The waiting’ here too Waiting for collection Waiting for day 5 Waiting for testing results Waiting for transfer day The 2 week wait Waiting for Viability scan I could go on but it’s a long road

Paying out of pocket!

The hardest part is when it doesn't work. :/

In addition to everything being said, IVF made my insomnia much worse. Probably all the stress and hormones

The getting your hopes up to get them crushed and in new and different ways. Every time you get a step forward you take 3 back and 2 to the side. Then you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep on going while you juggle work and life at the same time. The waiting game is hard too. So much hurrying up to wait and every step of the way.

The waiting is the hardest part. I’ve been doing this for almost two years and every time I have to wait for a result, I panic.

Worrying IS the hardest part. I'd say the physical part for me was the easiest part. I mainly worried about how much it would cost to be successful, and the potential heartache of failure or loss.

The waiting.

The hunger games was the longest couple days of my life, followed by the 2 week wait. It's the emotional part that's the hardest, not the shots.

My hardest day was when my first cycle failed, as all of my embryos tested genetically abnormal. I cried all night. The needles and drugs are easy. It’s the failure that hurts the most.

Can’t believe no one has mentioned their relationship having issues. My husband and I are solid but during IVF was absolutely the most trying thing we have ever been through. We both felt depressed and awful and neither of us communicated properly, and he’s pretty emotionally stunted anyway. It is a very dark time for us. TW success We did end up having a child and are about to start ivf again and I’m really hoping that things don’t go back to that dark place for us, because now we have to take care of a toddler together at the same time and can’t afford to fall apart.

For me it’s the fact that you spend a lot of money, put all of your energy into doing everything right, and at the end of the day there’s more than a 50% chance that it doesn’t work. I know that the chances are much higher than a natural conception for people with infertility, but it still doesn’t seem fair. I am always so hopeful of a positive outcome, but just one out of 4 times so far. I understand that we are lucky to have had one successful round. But when we used our last embryo and it was unsuccessful, it was super deflating for my wife and I. Going back and starting from scratch was a hard decision to make.

The unknown/non guaranteed financial investment is a very difficult pill to swallow.

The unknowns - it’s all such a roller coaster. The stims suck but I found a way to get around the pain, but the scans had me sweating bullets. The last cycle we did was great, and with 3 follicles I was really hoping to get an egg. It turned out I had five follicles and all were empty. It’s scarred me so badly mentally that I just don’t know if I can do another round.

Understandable, my nurse always told me each cycle is different always remember that. I've head good cycles and I've had bad ones. Don't give up ✨

The hardest part for me was the lead up and wait post transfer.

Physically recovery from egg collection was the hardest part for me (I threw up 3 times, was doubled up in pain and could barely walk for 3 days). Mentally the second half of the tww is horrendous. I’m in it right now, two days away from testing and I can’t concentrate on a damn thing

IVF is a thief of both time, money, and joy. I always felt so annoyed with the time I had to spend going to all the appointments, doing all the injections, and also all of the worrying.

The failures: the long hours before the surgery when I had ectopic, in the hospital where I was surrounded by pregnant women, and the horrible, bloody, messy week when I MC.

My first worry was the injections, my husband is fine with it as he has been on diabetes (pre insulin) injections for years so he is a pro... It wasn't so much the needle I was worried about but just the whole process of getting the right dose, making sure it's in the right spot... All of that, my first dose was at the clinic and a nurse took me through and after that I was fine, never had an issue or a worry about it since, I never once thought about not responding to the meds, which is exactly what happened, I grew at least 30 follicles, but none of them matured over 13mm most were around 7-8mm and my cycle was cancelled, now I'm still waiting for my next cycle to start and try the increased dose, but now I'm worried that won't work either. When the nurse called to say my specialist was cancelling my cycle, she mentioned my blood levels actually went backwards. I never thought this stage would be my issue, I always assumed it would be the wait after retrieval and then the wait after transfer. At the moment my worry is when will my next cycle start, the clinic believes it would only take 10 days after my last scan which was 7 days ago, but I have not had any signs it's coming, so now my worry is what if this cycle decides to be 90 days like my last cycle. I knew it was never going to be smooth sailing, but I just didn't expect this.

☹️ I'm so sorry. I hope everything works. My nurse told me All cycles are different so don't be too hard on yourself if something doesn't go how you want to in one because the next time you can have a totally different outcome.

Thank you. When we first say the fertility specialist she checked my AMH and it was really good for my age, so with how many follicles I grew at least we know that if the meds work and grow to the right size we should hopefully get a good result, we just have to get there, sometimes I just feel my body just never wants to co-operate.

Yeah, it's so weird how the body decides to cooperate or not. When I did my first IUI my body responded quickly to medicate but the second round my body didn't and I was on higher medication. I was devastated.

The healing post retrieval was the worst thing I had ever experienced only for none of this to be guaranteed

The failures. I thought stims and egg retrievals were a cakewalk. The failed transfers wrecked me.

I don't recognize the person I am today.

I’d like to share an article I read, it really mirrored my experience of IVF (and sadly also outcome). [How IVF affected my mental health](https://lookabrainbow.medium.com/how-ivf-affected-my-mental-health-6f220668fa13) trigger warning: miscarriage. Worry and fear and very much part of my processing too. You’re not alone.

We paid for all the genetics testing. For ourselves, the embryo, during the pregnancy. Everything came back normal. We still ended up losing our son at 23 weeks for an unexplainable abnormality. Genetics testing after L&D came back normal. Nothing is guaranteed and he was our only egg and embryo from that cycle. We wanted to finally announce our pregnancy to the world but we had found out our son would never live.

I went through two retrievals and two transfers. Second transfer stuck and currently 25 weeks. I know others have struggled way more than this. But even just this was traumatic in so many ways. It was always the incredible levels of uncertainty though that was the hardest part. Being on this side of IVF looking back I underestimated how taxing the entire process was. Remembering and keeping track of meds, appointments, not knowing when to plan outings/putting vacations on hold, finances involved, so so much energy going into daily routines such as taking vitamins, eating well, not exercising too much, the list goes on and on…all while *never having a guarantee* that any of this would result in an outcome I’d be happy with. The entire process sucks.

The toll on your body - successful or not! TW: success Attempts to prepare for transfer had me taking 6 doses of estrogen a day and wearing 6 patches. I also had to stop a medication I take for bloating/CVI (I stand all day). I also stopped taking vyvanse for my adhd and lost the appetite suppressant effect that that had. It was a lot at once. I made it through stims and retrieval without gaining a pound. The weeks and weeks I was taking an insane dose of estrogen to prepare for transfer is a different story - and then my lining didn’t even respond and I took it all for nothing. But had all of the mental and physical side effects of an ungodly amount of estrogen. Fortunately a different protocol got my lining to 7mm and I am just over ten weeks! Right now I’m having a hard time with accepting that this is my body right now (appearance-wise). I am over the moon and so thankful that my body worked hard and is carrying a healthy little baby. However, my body feels uncomfortable and big and none of my clothes fit, and I know I’m only going to get bigger with pregnancy. Maybe it sounds silly, but for me it is hard! I think it’s more that I was taking such a high dose of meds that made me so miserable just for them to not work but leave my body feeling like this. Yesterday was my last time taking the (much lower) dose of estrogen and progesterone I’ve been taking for the past few months. I’m relieved to reach this point AND relieved to stop taking estrogen for the first time in FOUR STRAIGHT MONTHS. My OB says that I may lose a few pounds now that I’m off it. At this point, I’m not concerned about losing weight so much as maintaining. I’m just hoping the other hormonal effects will lessen and I hopefully will feel less bloated and uncomfortable. At least for a little while!

Spending a lot of money 💰 with repeated stress to get a negative test 😿

The fact that it might not work out makes it all so much harder. Would you choose to pay a small amount for insurance, so that if you weren't successful, you don't have to pay for any of your treatment costs?