I was ready for kids with my partner of almost 4 years. He kept dragging his feet, he wasn't ready. I supported him. Until 3 years later and I realized I started resenting him.
I left him and after a heartbreaking realization that I had DOR I did IVF and am finally pregnant as a single mother by choice almost 10 years after I wanted to start.
I decided I could not wait any longer. He clearly wasn’t going to change his mind and I knew I was meant to be a mommy and could not imagine my life childless. So, at the age of 39 I started the IVF process and, at the age of 41, I gave birth to my precious baby boy (just 6 weeks ago) - as a single mom by choice.
Just know that IVF is definitely a process and a pregnancy won’t happen right away by the time you go through all of the steps. So definitely keep that in mind - especially if you are nearing 40.
Good question on why I waited so long! Lol
I did love him and we had a wonderful relationship other than the fact that he didn’t want to have kids. But, let me also say that he did tell me he wanted kids when we first got together and then kept putting it off and then finally said he liked the life we were living and didn’t want kids. So he definitely played with my mind. I would never have gotten into a relationship with him in the first place if I had known he didn’t want a family, as that was a non-negotiable for me. And I think a part of me was hopeful that he would change his mind.
It was about a year and a half (and we even sought counseling) and then I realized I just couldn’t wait any longer.
Leaving him and having a baby on my own was absolutely, hands down, the best decision ever!
I waited for my partner to be ready for 10 years. We started trying when I was 36, after 4 years I moved on to IVF. He was against it as it doesn’t seem natural to him but he eventually gave up. I had my first round unsuccessful and getting ready for the second.
In a hindsight I wish I persuaded him to start trying when I was in my early thirties. I thought I still had time :(
I wanted to start trying about a year before my husband. He knew I wanted kids and he wanted them we just had different ideas of what ready meant. We had several discussions about a timeline and our reasons why we each wanted to wait vs not. After 6 months of waiting and having these discussions I was going insane not knowing how much longer we had to wait so we set a timeline of a max of another 6 months. We ultimately started trying month 5 instead of 6.
Fast forward through multiple miscarriages and a slow IVF process that has been delayed due to Covid affecting sperm and back to back cancelled transfers there are days I would give anything to have that time back. But it’s not fair to my husband to assess our past decisions based on info we obtained after the fact. Of course if he knew it was going to take 2+ years to have a baby he wouldn’t have needed to wait to start trying.
IMO it’s one thing to wait a specific period of time for something specific to happen (in our case it was a promotion) it’s another to wait without any clear timeline and even more so if you’re not sure they will be ready at all.
30 — 31 —— now I’m going to be 33 in a month
Edited to add we want multiple children. At this point it’s an absolute that I will be “advanced maternal age” for a second pregnancy.
I think your decision to wait should depend on 1) how old you are (how much time you have to wait). Wouldn’t wait long if you are over 35. 2) how long you’ve been together- if he’s unsure about having kids with you even after 10 years together, why do you think he’d change his mind after another few months or a year? 3) his reason that he’s unsure about kids (e.g., concerned about finances or change in lifestyle) and if that is something that can be resolved.
My partner is slightly younger than me and we met when I was 31. We both wanted kids a bit later, so the first couple of years we didn't try.
Then he got depressed (was diagnosed later), so when I tried to bring up kids (I was 34) he was throwing tantrums. Made him go to therapy, at the same time COVID hit and I had health issues and stuff. But at least we got his head straight. I also shared with him research on fertility and made it clear that my patience is running out.
When I was 35.5 we finally started trying. In a year moved to fertility doctor and eventually IVF. He was a bit withdrawn through the process and it was a bit pissing me off, but on the other hand I handle medical stuff very well on my own.
Now (I am 37.5) we are expecting twins (12w). And he got very supportive and caring. It looks like it is going to be an exhausting pregnancy at minimum, so I appreciate that we are finally tuned in.
Before we knew about COVID, we had an initial IVF appointment in April 2020. Then, we found out about COVID and he wasn’t ready. I had to cancel the appointment (both partners are required to be present). We did therapy for a year, my best friend had a successful pregnancy, and we rebooked our first appointment in late 2021 for January 2022.
Infertility causes a huge pause in life. You don’t know if you can switch jobs because the new job might be less flexible, you don’t know if you can travel “just in case,” budgeting can look different, etc. I put my foot down and said I wouldn’t be trying after I turn x age (I gave us a few years) because I was sick of feeling like my life was on pause and missed being on birth control (I have awful periods). I didn’t want to plan around my life any longer and I felt like if we sought assistance, trying would feel more productive for both of us. I think therapy and communication went a long way for us and watching my friend with her kid helped him feel more “ready.”
Everyone says the process from start to finish is long, and they aren’t lying. In the States, you have to wait for insurance approvals for each step, then make sure meds are approved before ordering them (if you aren’t self pay). I called my insurance everyday, until an approval went through, to expedite the process so that I didn’t have to skip a cycle. If a cycle fails, you have to wait for an appointment with the RE, for the next steps. It can take a while for an opening for a follow up appointment. Depending on the clinic, there may also be a waitlist for retrievals and transfers too. I was very lucky that my reproductive team had a cancellation list, and could squeeze me in sooner if someone cancelled. If you book an appointment, I recommend asking if the clinic utilizes a cancellation list!
If you want different things and can’t compromise, couples therapy is needed to help you both decide if you want what you want more than you want to be together. It’s a hard place to be 😢 waiting a few months is different than a few years, but you have to be realistic about what you want.
We got married when we were pretty young and I wanted to start trying at 28 but he wasn’t ready He didn’t give me a timeline either, just said he didn’t know if he wanted kids. Some days were okay, some days were just painful.
But I loved him and was willing to wait. When we turned 30, I gave him an ultimatum - I will leave if he is still not sure about kids. He eventually said that he has always wanted kids but was just scared. He started making an effort since then (he has depression so started seeing a psychologist etc).
Unfortunately, a year went by without a successful pregnancy and we are starting IVF. We’re in a good place now but don’t get me wrong, it’s still hard because he keeps worrying about whether he will be a good dad. But he is willing to give it his best shot.
In hindsight, I am somewhat grateful for what we went though because we grew together and learnt so much about one another. Having said that, it goes without saying that the wait was one of the worst periods in my life.
I was ready to get married and have kids well before my partner. We were 28 when we got married after being together 5 years. I convinced him to start trying because we were so close to 30, even though I’m not sure he was 100% ready. It ended up being over 3 years before our baby was born. We had a successful birth, so it’s easier to say I was okay with waiting. It did end up meaning that we could communicate well enough to make it through the infertility journey, so I do think that’s a positive. I agree counseling might help, or at least sitting down and talking about goals. How long do they want to wait and why? If there’s something specific to accomplish before, that might be doable, but if it’s just “not ready” that’s going to be harder. Pregnancy and parenting is hard. I fully support being on the same page before you do it so that you have the support you need.
We don’t test our embryos, but our second cycle resulted in a live birth. So, euploid after 2 cycles. We also put in on day 3, so I don’t even have blast stats for you.
I also need to update my flair. The third cycle was our first try for a second baby and I got pregnant with the one embryo, but it ended in a blighted ovum.
We started trying about 4 months after we got married. He originally wanted to wait years after marriage. We had lots of open discussions about age and risk and that it might not happen quickly. Ultimately, he saw kids in his life and he understood how important it was to me, so he agreed. We were 29 when we started trying.
I was in my late 20s when I got married the first time. We went into the marriage being "on the fence," about having kids. Every time I wanted to talk about it during our marriage, he brushed me off. Clearly, his on the fence was no and my on the fence was truly on the fence. I ended up leaving him, not for that reason, but it was one of the many reasons.
I'm 7 years older than my husband so my sense of urgency is different from his. We went to couples therapy and talked it out over a few months until we got on the same page and now moving forward with the process.
A lot of it was finding the right therapist.. and just total transparency/ really trying to actually put each other in the other ones shoes and understanding both perspectives
even if you can understand the others perspective it doesnt mean you will take the risk, to achieve an adequate understanding of something is not the same thing as having a solution
It helped a lot to get a true understanding of where the other was coming from. It was easier to come to a solution by understanding what our hopes/fears/etc were about the situation.
Hi! I was the partner who wanted to wait and now I have mixed feelings. I'm very much so the more "logical" partner so I wanted to wait until I felt we were financially stable, I also had aspirations to go to grad school. While we're in a much better place financially and I'm going to graduate from grad school in a month, a part of me wishes I did this sooner. For reference, I'm 32 now and going through IVF due to an x-linked genetic disorder and a balanced translocation. A part of me is glad I got to reach some goals before we have kids (God willing), but now, in the midst of an IVF cycle, I see how difficult it is and how much more difficult it may be if we try to have a second child.
I think I always wanted kids, but I wanted to have a partner that wanted them at least as much if not more than I did. My husband wanted kids a couple years before I did but I wanted to wait 2-3 years after we got married. To be fair I was ready to get married a couple years before he was so it’s all fair (not that it needs to be ☺️).
I think when you’re over thirty you pretty much know which way you’re leaning. I didn’t want to do everything and have a partner that was half into it. If I never found my partner I might have just gotten a couple of corgis but I’m glad I’m doing IVF.
Surgery, endo and IVF ( 2.5 year almost journey). Husband wasn't ready for a while and then we just learned of the unexplained infertility by the time we were getting ready at 35+!. I've come to realize we can't have a kid together or go through IVF without solid commitment and stability. So, while I had initially resented the fact HIS ability to wait didn't impact his physical health at all and only increased MY health risks, ultimately if we wanted to be parents together, it was a two person path where we'd have to hold each other up. I don't know if I'd have done IVF on my own.
This is such a complicated and nuanced conversation so unique to each individual. Relationships, resources, mental stamina, biological factors, external stressors, careers, stability of every possible foundation comes in to play. Ultimately, don't waste time with a partner who doesn't have your back, IVF or. Not.
Good Luck!
I was ready for kids with my partner of almost 4 years. He kept dragging his feet, he wasn't ready. I supported him. Until 3 years later and I realized I started resenting him. I left him and after a heartbreaking realization that I had DOR I did IVF and am finally pregnant as a single mother by choice almost 10 years after I wanted to start.
I had a very similar story to this. (Not pregnant yet though)
best of luck
I could have written this. Thank you for sharing. I’m starting the same journey.
I decided I could not wait any longer. He clearly wasn’t going to change his mind and I knew I was meant to be a mommy and could not imagine my life childless. So, at the age of 39 I started the IVF process and, at the age of 41, I gave birth to my precious baby boy (just 6 weeks ago) - as a single mom by choice. Just know that IVF is definitely a process and a pregnancy won’t happen right away by the time you go through all of the steps. So definitely keep that in mind - especially if you are nearing 40.
how come you waited until 39 to dump him? how long did you try to convince him? what did he say abt your age, just nothing?
Good question on why I waited so long! Lol I did love him and we had a wonderful relationship other than the fact that he didn’t want to have kids. But, let me also say that he did tell me he wanted kids when we first got together and then kept putting it off and then finally said he liked the life we were living and didn’t want kids. So he definitely played with my mind. I would never have gotten into a relationship with him in the first place if I had known he didn’t want a family, as that was a non-negotiable for me. And I think a part of me was hopeful that he would change his mind. It was about a year and a half (and we even sought counseling) and then I realized I just couldn’t wait any longer. Leaving him and having a baby on my own was absolutely, hands down, the best decision ever!
I waited for my partner to be ready for 10 years. We started trying when I was 36, after 4 years I moved on to IVF. He was against it as it doesn’t seem natural to him but he eventually gave up. I had my first round unsuccessful and getting ready for the second. In a hindsight I wish I persuaded him to start trying when I was in my early thirties. I thought I still had time :(
what are your stats? how come you waited 4 years if you were unsuccessful? you’re still with him?
It’s kinda rubbing me the wrong way that you’ve asked people to share their personal stories and then reply with very judgmental sounding questions
I wanted to start trying about a year before my husband. He knew I wanted kids and he wanted them we just had different ideas of what ready meant. We had several discussions about a timeline and our reasons why we each wanted to wait vs not. After 6 months of waiting and having these discussions I was going insane not knowing how much longer we had to wait so we set a timeline of a max of another 6 months. We ultimately started trying month 5 instead of 6. Fast forward through multiple miscarriages and a slow IVF process that has been delayed due to Covid affecting sperm and back to back cancelled transfers there are days I would give anything to have that time back. But it’s not fair to my husband to assess our past decisions based on info we obtained after the fact. Of course if he knew it was going to take 2+ years to have a baby he wouldn’t have needed to wait to start trying. IMO it’s one thing to wait a specific period of time for something specific to happen (in our case it was a promotion) it’s another to wait without any clear timeline and even more so if you’re not sure they will be ready at all.
that last pt I appreciate it
how old were you when you wanted to start before starting a year later
30 — 31 —— now I’m going to be 33 in a month Edited to add we want multiple children. At this point it’s an absolute that I will be “advanced maternal age” for a second pregnancy.
I think your decision to wait should depend on 1) how old you are (how much time you have to wait). Wouldn’t wait long if you are over 35. 2) how long you’ve been together- if he’s unsure about having kids with you even after 10 years together, why do you think he’d change his mind after another few months or a year? 3) his reason that he’s unsure about kids (e.g., concerned about finances or change in lifestyle) and if that is something that can be resolved.
My partner is slightly younger than me and we met when I was 31. We both wanted kids a bit later, so the first couple of years we didn't try. Then he got depressed (was diagnosed later), so when I tried to bring up kids (I was 34) he was throwing tantrums. Made him go to therapy, at the same time COVID hit and I had health issues and stuff. But at least we got his head straight. I also shared with him research on fertility and made it clear that my patience is running out. When I was 35.5 we finally started trying. In a year moved to fertility doctor and eventually IVF. He was a bit withdrawn through the process and it was a bit pissing me off, but on the other hand I handle medical stuff very well on my own. Now (I am 37.5) we are expecting twins (12w). And he got very supportive and caring. It looks like it is going to be an exhausting pregnancy at minimum, so I appreciate that we are finally tuned in.
Before we knew about COVID, we had an initial IVF appointment in April 2020. Then, we found out about COVID and he wasn’t ready. I had to cancel the appointment (both partners are required to be present). We did therapy for a year, my best friend had a successful pregnancy, and we rebooked our first appointment in late 2021 for January 2022. Infertility causes a huge pause in life. You don’t know if you can switch jobs because the new job might be less flexible, you don’t know if you can travel “just in case,” budgeting can look different, etc. I put my foot down and said I wouldn’t be trying after I turn x age (I gave us a few years) because I was sick of feeling like my life was on pause and missed being on birth control (I have awful periods). I didn’t want to plan around my life any longer and I felt like if we sought assistance, trying would feel more productive for both of us. I think therapy and communication went a long way for us and watching my friend with her kid helped him feel more “ready.” Everyone says the process from start to finish is long, and they aren’t lying. In the States, you have to wait for insurance approvals for each step, then make sure meds are approved before ordering them (if you aren’t self pay). I called my insurance everyday, until an approval went through, to expedite the process so that I didn’t have to skip a cycle. If a cycle fails, you have to wait for an appointment with the RE, for the next steps. It can take a while for an opening for a follow up appointment. Depending on the clinic, there may also be a waitlist for retrievals and transfers too. I was very lucky that my reproductive team had a cancellation list, and could squeeze me in sooner if someone cancelled. If you book an appointment, I recommend asking if the clinic utilizes a cancellation list!
If you want different things and can’t compromise, couples therapy is needed to help you both decide if you want what you want more than you want to be together. It’s a hard place to be 😢 waiting a few months is different than a few years, but you have to be realistic about what you want.
We got married when we were pretty young and I wanted to start trying at 28 but he wasn’t ready He didn’t give me a timeline either, just said he didn’t know if he wanted kids. Some days were okay, some days were just painful. But I loved him and was willing to wait. When we turned 30, I gave him an ultimatum - I will leave if he is still not sure about kids. He eventually said that he has always wanted kids but was just scared. He started making an effort since then (he has depression so started seeing a psychologist etc). Unfortunately, a year went by without a successful pregnancy and we are starting IVF. We’re in a good place now but don’t get me wrong, it’s still hard because he keeps worrying about whether he will be a good dad. But he is willing to give it his best shot. In hindsight, I am somewhat grateful for what we went though because we grew together and learnt so much about one another. Having said that, it goes without saying that the wait was one of the worst periods in my life.
I was ready to get married and have kids well before my partner. We were 28 when we got married after being together 5 years. I convinced him to start trying because we were so close to 30, even though I’m not sure he was 100% ready. It ended up being over 3 years before our baby was born. We had a successful birth, so it’s easier to say I was okay with waiting. It did end up meaning that we could communicate well enough to make it through the infertility journey, so I do think that’s a positive. I agree counseling might help, or at least sitting down and talking about goals. How long do they want to wait and why? If there’s something specific to accomplish before, that might be doable, but if it’s just “not ready” that’s going to be harder. Pregnancy and parenting is hard. I fully support being on the same page before you do it so that you have the support you need.
stats that required you to seek ivf?
Initial diagnosis was azoospermia for my husband. Turns out I also have DOR. Only get 1-2 mature eggs per cycle.
and you got euploid after 3 ER?
We don’t test our embryos, but our second cycle resulted in a live birth. So, euploid after 2 cycles. We also put in on day 3, so I don’t even have blast stats for you.
I also need to update my flair. The third cycle was our first try for a second baby and I got pregnant with the one embryo, but it ended in a blighted ovum.
how long did it take you to convince him and how did you convince him?
We started trying about 4 months after we got married. He originally wanted to wait years after marriage. We had lots of open discussions about age and risk and that it might not happen quickly. Ultimately, he saw kids in his life and he understood how important it was to me, so he agreed. We were 29 when we started trying.
I was in my late 20s when I got married the first time. We went into the marriage being "on the fence," about having kids. Every time I wanted to talk about it during our marriage, he brushed me off. Clearly, his on the fence was no and my on the fence was truly on the fence. I ended up leaving him, not for that reason, but it was one of the many reasons.
I'm 7 years older than my husband so my sense of urgency is different from his. We went to couples therapy and talked it out over a few months until we got on the same page and now moving forward with the process.
what was the key? we went to couples therapy it didnt work
A lot of it was finding the right therapist.. and just total transparency/ really trying to actually put each other in the other ones shoes and understanding both perspectives
what was your bottom line, and why
What helped make the final decision was writing out all our fears about kids, ivf, money, etc and processing each one
even if you can understand the others perspective it doesnt mean you will take the risk, to achieve an adequate understanding of something is not the same thing as having a solution
It helped a lot to get a true understanding of where the other was coming from. It was easier to come to a solution by understanding what our hopes/fears/etc were about the situation.
who is your therapist?
My therapist is someone local where I live in FL.
Hi! I was the partner who wanted to wait and now I have mixed feelings. I'm very much so the more "logical" partner so I wanted to wait until I felt we were financially stable, I also had aspirations to go to grad school. While we're in a much better place financially and I'm going to graduate from grad school in a month, a part of me wishes I did this sooner. For reference, I'm 32 now and going through IVF due to an x-linked genetic disorder and a balanced translocation. A part of me is glad I got to reach some goals before we have kids (God willing), but now, in the midst of an IVF cycle, I see how difficult it is and how much more difficult it may be if we try to have a second child.
I think I always wanted kids, but I wanted to have a partner that wanted them at least as much if not more than I did. My husband wanted kids a couple years before I did but I wanted to wait 2-3 years after we got married. To be fair I was ready to get married a couple years before he was so it’s all fair (not that it needs to be ☺️). I think when you’re over thirty you pretty much know which way you’re leaning. I didn’t want to do everything and have a partner that was half into it. If I never found my partner I might have just gotten a couple of corgis but I’m glad I’m doing IVF.
Surgery, endo and IVF ( 2.5 year almost journey). Husband wasn't ready for a while and then we just learned of the unexplained infertility by the time we were getting ready at 35+!. I've come to realize we can't have a kid together or go through IVF without solid commitment and stability. So, while I had initially resented the fact HIS ability to wait didn't impact his physical health at all and only increased MY health risks, ultimately if we wanted to be parents together, it was a two person path where we'd have to hold each other up. I don't know if I'd have done IVF on my own. This is such a complicated and nuanced conversation so unique to each individual. Relationships, resources, mental stamina, biological factors, external stressors, careers, stability of every possible foundation comes in to play. Ultimately, don't waste time with a partner who doesn't have your back, IVF or. Not. Good Luck!