T O P
QualityVote

##If this submission makes you go "Hol'Up", **UPVOTE** this comment! ##If this submission does not make you go "Hol'Up", **DOWNVOTE** this comment! --- Whilst you're here, /u/theskhan, why not join our [public discord server](https://discord.gg/holup) or play on our [public Minecraft server](https://discord.gg/DTqSDS8C3T)?


Skyl0k39

At that point it would be cheaper hiring a hitman


ThePureRay009

good luck finding a hitman that does babies


Tupakaveli

How much we talking? ![gif](giphy|OmQCR2XWCV6bC)


Comi1212

Chad ![gif](giphy|CAYVZA5NRb529kKQUc|downsized)


automatic_dioxide00

![gif](giphy|pOvarfN0p0nm)


RaynOfFyre1

![gif](giphy|FKORTytTwjWq4)


CrimsonToker707

Motherfucker Jones lol


GraveyardMusic

At least, pay for good drinks!


DarkDonut75

Just because he accepted the job, doesn't mean he's good at them ![gif](giphy|u1SH63gOjMPpS)


huggles7

Hitmen are surprisingly cheap, I saw an article way back that said the average one costs between 5-8,000


Shift2am

There was one hit man named Artie who would kill people for just 50 cents. Once he killed two people at Kroger and the headline was Artie chokes two for a dollar at Kroger.


ohTHOSEballs

My grandma used to tell me that one when I was a wee lad.


Shift2am

Your grandma once went forward in time and stole it from me


legolodis900

150K for her


Rhamni

The price is two babies.


Comi1212

Like as a sacrifice or?


MahaRaja_1532

$47 deal sure rack up


Horghor

50$ for shaking the baby


Rohit_BFire

Fuck it I will do it for free just give me a letter of recommendation


ISAMU13

You can't charge low prices like that man. You bring the whole industry down. /s


PsychologicalEnd7141

Its always a race to the bottom. Gotta unionize.


c4r0n1x

Nfw 47 ices a baby.


[deleted]

[удалено]


oskupekka36

Viis tonnia


weRjusthuman

![gif](giphy|Pc16mmoHoXBh6) “No women, no children.”


Ironyfree_annie

![gif](giphy|brqkBQV1qAFrO)


Altruistic-Fox-2742

Omg this was my first thought. Hahahaha. "I just like killing."


Spacecoasttheghost

Same thought as well lol.


DesignatedDonut

I'd do it for tree fiddy


Phantom_Pain_Sux

I gave him a dolla


_Alabama_Man

Now wonder he keeps coming around. You give him a dollar he's just going to assume you have more!


builderthebob21

He gave him a dollar


-CaptainEvil-

That aint no "Hitman" thats the gahdamm lochness monstah


Prestigious_Ad_933

“Well it was about that time that I noticed that the hitman was about 8 stories tall and a crustacean from the protozoic era!”


_Alabama_Man

Tree Fiddy? Of course you want Tree Fiddy


MagicalFlor95

Uh, are you South African, because the aged, and the unemployed (especially young parents), receive grants of R350 rand a month. Very ironic, in this context.


ManariWoW

No, they're just a goddamn Loch Ness monster.


Sloppykissesgrandma

That's a hard sale. How about free tiddy?


Braba11

Great, who are we killing? I won't do kids. That's a rule. But that rule is negotiable if the kid's a dick.


[deleted]

[удалено]


DonnieJuniorsEmails

I didn't know Conan was a billionaire


ukstonerguy

There was a guy. He took in a kid, slevin. Wonder what happened to that guy.


taradiddletrope

Sounds like someone that’s tried hiring a hitman to knock off a baby.


yeok_shi

Holy hell it's impossible to find a Bronn from Game of Thrones gif


CraftyCombination106

hating your father and regretting stealing his sperm and knowing your mother literally only impregnated you to make money off of you.


ShahinGalandar

if this is phrased correctly...hold on, wtf?


loversean

You rang?


Snoo_97207

I have one rule, that I don't do kids, unless the kids a dick


[deleted]

[удалено]


PaperBoyy8

![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|trollface)


workerMcWorkin

That one rapper was putting hot sauce in his used condoms. Caught a girl turkey basting it when she started screaming about unholy he’ll fire while she was in the bathroom.


EODdoUbleU

Pretty sure that was Drake.


Onaru

That's why celebrities put hot sauce in their condoms, not enough flavor.


paatvalen

Didn’t one girl sue a celebrity for damages cause she did this exact thing, tried to impregnate herself but sued for damages cause of said hot sauce in her vagina?


tuibiel

Drake?


Starthreads

That's the one I remember. But the damage is clearly self-inflicted.


Tossthisoneprobably

it also didn’t happen, lol


billyblanken

This totally happened. Rather than dump it out, he carried it around looking for hot sauce, which he didn’t have so he headed to del taco and got the muy caliente fuego style. The whole time making sure not to spill any of the seed.


Tossthisoneprobably

when you put it that way it actually makes perfect sense


Sawgon

Not unless it was an underage girl. Drake has a type.


AshenSacrifice

![gif](giphy|B2kr8Cs97oRHHhstzH|downsized)


VanishingMass3

Drake put hot sauce in after and she tried to put the seman in her and then she tried to sue him for it. I haven’t seen anything on it so i’m assuming it didn’t go anywhere


[deleted]

[удалено]


ubermeisters

including this comment


Deltawolf2038

sounding like uncle roger over here. but i think you forgot about the msg


L2Hoist

That’s probably how Jamie Oliver’s fried rice tastes.


[deleted]

[удалено]


ericbunjama

Thank you for the massive chuckle stranger. You cheered me up this morning!


RealyFry

Do the same


slazer2au

But use pics of your own father.


mostuselessusername

Wow he spent one or more hours to prepare it. He must've love you.


mngru

Bet he put more hours making the presentation than making him


qubeat

This made me spit out my coffee - well played.


bemest

But you never forgot.


smeexx

Oh that's a Rich Flex.


desertshark6969

Use the right amount. Not the white amount


micahisnotmyname

Snopes and another site say it’s fake. It was originally a satire piece before it went viral.


Svhmj

Thank you! Otherwise it would be Beyond fucked. No pun intended.


mustify786

I was going to say, trying to sue a BILLIONAIRE for child support they didn't want is very unlikely to happen. Bury that women in legal fees before a verdict is even heard more like


dr_toze

Exactly, you can bankrupt her before she ever meets a judge. Most lawyers wouldn't even take the case as it would be a guaranteed loss as well.


EmperorDeathBunny

And yet it doesn't matter because it did its job riling up angry incels with a hit of that sweet sweet confirmation bias.


revoloveraudio

And of course I had to scroll down this far to get past the neanderthal mob mentality.


puhaselymes

Also, biology says its fake


Appropriate-Cut-2963

Should've just put hot sauce in like Drake did


Volnas

Thought that too, that girl will never forget that


[deleted]

[удалено]


ggtffhhhjhg

The same goes for women that stop taking their birth control or poking holes in condoms.


dft-salt-pasta

Poking holes in condoms yes, not taking birth control no that would set a dangerous precedent. Just don’t nut in chicks you don’t want a kid with.


Replayer123

If a woman tells you she used birth control when she didn't that 100% should be illegal


3plantsonthewall

It would be extremely difficult to prove nefarious intent though. (Perhaps if a woman claimed to be on birth control but then couldn't show proof of a valid prescription, maybe then. But I'd wager many cases aren't like that.) Plenty of women don't understand how their birth control actually works, and it is VERY easy to not follow the directions perfectly - even when one *does* understand and *is* trying to adhere. And even *with* "perfect use," the statistics show that women CAN and DO still get pregnant. It's rare, but it happens. "IUD babies" are a great example. So it would be pretty easy to disguise malice as a mistake or just bad luck. Men shouldn't take it for granted that women are 1) on an effective form of birth control, and 2) are adhering to the directions properly. There need to be detailed conversations about birth control use, for the sake of both parties. Men also need to understand that even if women ARE practicing "perfect use" with their birth control, pregnancy CAN still occur. If a man can't accept that unfortunate reality, he shouldn't be having sex, at least not with a woman.


ATidyOctopus

Would you be ok if a man lied about having a vasectomy to a woman and then got her pregnant?


allusernamestaken-1

Don’t think anyone’s saying either’s okay


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

It's sexual assault if you ejaculate in someone without their permission, so I don't see how this isn't.


the1slyyy

Yeah but how do you prove that in court after you've had consensual sex


vitaminkombat

I can't remember the exact court case. But I remember one celebrity rape case where the victim was asked to describe the alleged's dick. So maybe something like that.


AffectionateCrazy156

You know how little info I could give about every guys dick I've seen? I'd be in trouble if someone asked me that as proof of anything 😂


Citadel_Intern_2022

Username checks out. Check your DMs lady ;-)


HighOwl2

Yeah...like how it's considered rape to trick someone into who they're fucking (think twins or blindfolds) ...or...keep it legal just no child support. Though that's tricky because condoms can break. Better yet, put the financial burden on the ones that choose to keep the child. Woman gets pregnant...both parents responsible. Dude doesn't want a kid? Woman needs to abort or bare the financial struggle herself.


vitaminkombat

The last point is the case in my country. Well it's a little more complicated. The government won't even issue a birth certificate unless the parents get married. Without the certificate the child isn't entitled to health care or education. But abortion is expensive. So women will just dump the babies in alleys and bins as soon as they're born. It's quite sad to be honest.


Conald_Petersen

Aw yes the worst of all options.


Arachno-Communism

*Please, we need some safety net for our children. No child should be subject to poverty!* **Sorry, more dumps is the best I can do.**


AffectionateCrazy156

Wtf? What country is this?


SuperSoftAbby

I know right? Free babies and they won’t say where. So rude


salimeero

Stop trying to steal from Nike's free stash of "employees"


fistfullofpubes

Westeros.


AffectionateCrazy156

Hahaha Nice.


irisheye37

That's quite literally the worst possible policy lmao


ReaperKaze

This somewhat sounds like something i was told about the Philipines, just without the babies in alleys and bins.


HighOwl2

Would legal abortions and a co-agreement on bringing new life to this world not solve that?


ThisIsYourMormont

With that last point. Aint they trying to remove the choice to keep a child or not anyway?


RedBorrito

Not every part of the world is as fucked up as the US.


ILNOVA

I think it's a crime, but it's really hard to prove that someone did it.


Seaworthiness222

It probably is and this is just a fake story.


ApertureNext

This 100% happens and the man is fucked, pay up bitch cause society don't care about you.


Return-the-slab99

It probably didn't happen. I only see random blogs and a tabloid covering the story.


CarmenxXxWaldo

This is reddit. A screenshot of text can be whoever you say it is and no one will question it as long as it confirms the readers opinions.


amenosekai

That’s just the entire internet not just Reddit


aardw0lf11

For it to work I would think you'd have to get it pretty soon after it was used. Sperm aren't going to survive like that long, if at all.


AffectionateCrazy156

Especially since most condoms also have at least a very small amount of spemicide on them.


Crypto_Gay_Skater

Cmon now we all know that shit never happened lol


DragonboyZG

umm what


Return-the-slab99

Junk tabloid sites reported an allegation and a bunch of people are taking it seriously.


BowelTheMovement

If he had put a crushed up Carolina Reaper in the condom afterwards... pretty sure the trauma would cause an abortion and make anyone think twice of doing that sort of thing in the future.


SimplyExtremist

How would it cause an abortion for a pregnancy that literally hasn’t happened yet?


UglierThanMoe

It would (or at least could) prevent the pregnancy. I'm no expert in chili-based contraception, though.


irisheye37

Trust me ladies this is legit


Dismal-Past7785

Instagram model tried to turkey baster herself with a guy that rapped about flushing the sperm in his condoms to prevent girls from stealing it. Fuck around, hot sauced vagina.


Return-the-slab99

It probably didn't happen. I only see tabloid sites covering the story.


dingillo

This is the perfect time for Drake to start selling his own hot sauce


YoloAddict69

![gif](giphy|l41Yh4vr9mSNE13FK|downsized)


Germanman76

Wait he did that?


TheStandardPlayer

Yeah but he said it doesn't help much with the taste and suggests pineapple


DemoKith

If you eat a lot of semen does your pineapple taste like cum?


Rough_Collections

Former Marine Enters the Chat: Upgrade that to CS Gas pellets....


Appropriate-Cut-2963

I can still smell after almost 20 years


Unhappy_Panic_1875

My mf forgot the hot sauce lifehack from Drake smh


PorterPoignant

Your mother fucker?


[deleted]

[удалено]


Not_a_real_ghost

I usually call mine "Dad"


devil0o

Nothing about this post made me happy


spiralEntree

It's satire as Abraham Lincoln once said "memes aren't news"


RocketGolem

Abraham lincoln knew about memes?!


DeadlyDesai

"Don't believe everything you read online" - _Abraham Lincon_


RocketGolem

He said that too?!


ExcessiveWisdom

yes i did, RocketGolem *-president Lincon*


Makedoniqebulgarska

"yeah I said that shit" - Abraham Lincoln


Agile_Tit_Tyrant

What didn't Honest Abe say!?


Chezburgor1

"I'm totally not a vampire hunter"


Makedoniqebulgarska

I didn't know him that well but he said a lot of stuff


Capnmolasses

R. I. P. Baberaham Lincoln


Total_drama_z

Well I thought that came out from the future seeing Jewish Invincible Albert Einstein


No-Coat-8792

Of course he's Jewish, it's einSTEIN.


Wordsmith_WoW

That was Winston Churchill


No-Coat-8792

This quote doesn't sound real, do you have a meme to substantiate your claim?


spiralEntree

![gif](giphy|IKSdXdnZDHgBi) Best I can do is this


No-Coat-8792

Wow he really did say it! -Charlie Chaplin


Aschvolution

I know this is a fake quote, because news weren't invented yet back when he's alive.


Jojje22

Nothing about this post made me believe it. I mean, it's theoretically plausible but the spermicide in the condom is there to kill off sperm and the shelf life of semen in suboptimal conditions isn't that great to begin with. I guess it can happen but most of all it just looks like a grainy bullshit fb picture with a condom stock pic and some random lady, created to stir up emotions.


Sillet_Mignon

Not all condoms have spermicide. Most don’t. Drake famously takes his condoms with him or adds hot sauce to Hos condoms when he’s finished bc women have tried this with him.


faustianBM

Imagine Drake getting dressed, kissing some girl on the forehead, and leaving the luxury hotel room..... Just then, a crack team of in vitro fertilization specialists rush in the room with lab coats and test tubes..... "Where's the sample?!" one of the Dr's yells.... "Got it!" barks another one.... Just then, Drake pops his head back in the room, and says: "Nice try guys.....there's Franks Red Hot in the condom. Haahahaahahaaaa...." Then he slams the door.


WRB852

DRATS.


Sir_Yacob

**I put that shit on everything** *Smash cut to slowly revolving wings* *tempura fried condom oozing hot sauce and drake batter*


PaulsGrandfather

Then the girl calls her parents to pick her up because she has her middle school graduation to get to


Thick_Bobcat786

Mind if I give you a Happy Ending? The used condom was used on her daughter.


singlamoa

I guess if the initial story is fake you can just make up any detail about it


hpbrick

Billionaire should’ve performed the Drake procedure (add hot sauce).


KUPA_BEAST

Wasn’t there a story of Drake putting chilli in his used condom? A woman took out of the trash trying to get his kids and got chilli vag instead. Pro move.


Return-the-slab99

That's most likely fake because only a few tabloids reported it. OP's story is satire.


KillerPussyToo

The amount of people on here who repeat the hot sauce urban legend like it’s truth is crazy. I remember the same story being told featuring various rock stars and athletes when I was in high school which wasn’t even that long ago. The guy who supposedly did it changes every couple of years.


Cygs

I've mostly heard of it in relation to military guys doing it to avoid dependapotamus turning up pregnant. But I suspect its mostly urban legend, sperm can only survive a few minutes outside of a human body.


UhYeahOkSure

Mission Impregnable ![gif](giphy|kStj2Lj6DELPW)


unknown19962020

How do you not already know this article is fake as fuck lol.


18HrsOfStatic

CONDOMN


Car_Chasing_Hobo

As in I condomn this violation of sexual privacy.


ksixnine

is this fake story really a HolUp?


Sir_Doge_V2

I hâte humanity


spiralEntree

Is it because of the fake story or because people believe the obviously fake article


nodnodwinkwink

Interesting accent you got there, where are you from?


NoGrab5293

As a billionaire I would think he could get a good lawyer and get custody.


Popular-Growth2202

Once I suspected a girl was trying to do this to me and I always flushed the condom down the toilet. In the end she tried it anyway and lied about being pregnant. I made her take the home test and she somehow managed to explain that the test didn’t work. Finally after a doctors appointment she didn’t go to, she had to tell me she wasn’t pregnant. After that I didn’t see her again. Before all this she had her baby taken into custody and that made me suspect that she might try some shenanigans out of desperation. Some bitches are crazy.


skandi1

She had her baby taken into custody and you still made a conscious decision to boink her?


malum68

This can’t be real


untamed_gecko_505

This is lowkey rape


Wickedscifi

Imagine telling your kid(s) that you didnt have them out of love, but as a means to an end to get money.


Fancy-Pair

EZ. Glad we had this talk. Now go back to playing GTAV on your ps7


Radiant-Ad-4292

You fucked up my trip


[deleted]

A very fair justice.


KazPrime

He's a billionaire and that's the best he could pull?


A_Wild_VelociFaptor

Honestly, and this would be hard to prove, but if you have someone's kid for the _sole_ purpose of collecting child support I feel that should disqualify you for said child support.


Conspicuous-Person

The judge behind this must have been such a bitch.


Beltoraze

While this seems satire, when my dad was in the US Navy in the 70s-80s, when granted shore leave, their disembarking instructions included “take it with you” because of this exact scenario.


The_Creeper_Man

So she stole his sperm and used it to conceive a child without his consent?


Strange-Yam4733

Seeing as he didn't give consent, is this a weird kind of rape?


Lifeabroad86

should have pulled a drake and put hot house in the condom when he was done


xferragamoFalcon

This is why Drake puts hot sauce in his condoms after 😂