T O P

For those of you out there experiencing complicated grief, from the suicide, murder, overdose or otherwise, I learned something today:

For those of you out there experiencing complicated grief, from the suicide, murder, overdose or otherwise, I learned something today:

Racchi2point0

Thank you for writing this. It's profoundly healing to find acceptance in any stage of grief. Also profoundly healing - gardening. Oh, my friend, I just spent four hours outside in the dirt and weeds and sun, sweating, and working silently with my thoughts. Not only does it help me find peace, it helps me feel closer to my sister. ... Which is odd because she did not like getting dirty or sweaty. From me in my memorial garden to you in yours - sending so much love.


Sofa_kingTRUE

Thank you, Racchi. I’ve spent so much time out there, I get excited when I find weeds to pull now :) can I come over and pull weeds? Haha. I went over to my neighbor’s house last week and pulled weeds at sun up before anyone else was awake. Pulling someone else’s weeds is like biting their finger nails or picking their nose for them, it simply shouldn’t be done. It does help to have a mindless activity that doesn’t allow much thinking so you can actually focus on thinking through the things you need to.


IHeartRadiohead

I’m so unbelievably sorry for the loss of your brother. What a horrendous thing to have happened to him. And you have no reason to be ashamed, I promise you. The thought of your memorial garden fills me with warmth and happiness. What a beautiful thing. I send you love from across the seas X


Sofa_kingTRUE

Thank you, Radiohead. Love from across the seas in welcome, always, and goes both ways. Take care of yourself.


Thrutheeyesofruby92

Thank you, I needed to read this. I'm sorry for your loss.


Sofa_kingTRUE

Thank you, Ruby. Take care of yourself. I’m here to listen if you ever need someone to talk to


Thrutheeyesofruby92

Thank you for that, feel free to talk to me too x


Unlucky_Olive_2491

Thank you for this post. I lost someone to homicide and telling people is always complicated. I’ve also started a garden for my person and I love going out to water it each day- makes me feel connected.


Sofa_kingTRUE

Thank you Olive, I know, right? I got a windchime as a gift and it’s such a blessing to hear it, I could stay out there in the garden all day. Every inch of my outside planters are planted and my house is a rainforest, but I don’t care. It’s a blessing to be surrounded by life and pretty things, when the last several months have been solely focused on death. Now to figure out what I’m going to do in the fall and winter months...I don’t think that far ahead anymore. One day at a time is all I can take and I think that’s good enough for now.


Unlucky_Olive_2491

One day at a time is the only way through. A wind chime is a great idea.. I also have a hammock that’s a life saver- you can just curl up and kind of hide away. The growth of new life is so helpful right now. I’m wishing you so much peace and all the plants your home can hold.


giraffodil1

Indoor plants :) get some seeds going inside to plant outside next spring


Sofa_kingTRUE

I’ve just set up a greenhouse in my basement for this! No, I won’t be growing anything illegal lol.


antigop2020

Not to get too far into how your brother died, but unless he used force against the mall security guard the mall guard had no right to stab him with a knife. Id also question whether it was within the job description of the mall guard to engage a suspect using force or if he even shouldve been carrying a knife on the job. Most security guards i know are NOT to use any real force and only deter and document a situation and call the actual police if necessary. I would talk to a lawyer if you havent already. Even if your brother engaged violently and the security guard could claim the right to use force, we are all human and make mistakes. Many of us have shoplifted items big or small and never had any real consequence for it. You should not be ashamed of your brother, he paid a far greater price than he shouldve for a pair of jeans. Remember your good times with him, and cherish his memory.


dhmy4089

I suspect guard's ego got hurt and his anger made him to participate in the violence.


anewbys83

Thank you for sharing. May his memory be a blessing. Regardless of what he may or may not have been doing when he was killed, blue jeans should never lead to someone's death. That mall security person was horrendous and I hope they are being held accountable for their crime. We're all human and do stupid things sometimes. That should never lead to someone's death, and again I'm very sorry your brother was taken from you.


Sofa_kingTRUE

Thank you anewbys, I appreciate it. The guard will never be held accountable criminally, but I’ll keep trying for it. It’s the last thing I’ll ever get to do for my brother and I won’t give up on trying to get justice for him. We are going to hold him responsible civilly and are in that process, but it offers little to no comfort. I want him charged. Here’s an article about Ian’s case, for those who wish to know more. Again, thank you for your kindness. I love you all on here. You’ll always have a friend here should you need one. https://www.reddit.com/r/vegaslocals/comments/nl6519/rotten_in_denmark_a_killer_walks_free_an/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf


dhmy4089

That post doesn't have description anymore. Murder over pair of jeans is unacceptable. If security guard got threatened, he could have very well call the cops instead of participating in violence. I'm so sorry for your loss. What happened is an accident and it is no way your brother's fault.


Sofa_kingTRUE

That’s so weird. It shows up for me. Thank you for the support and understanding, means a lot. Here’s another post. Sorry for the confusion. Take care of yourself out there https://www.reddit.com/r/HendersonNV/comments/nl65ra/rotten_in_denmark_a_killer_walks_free_an/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf


brojackhorselady

Your brother did not deserve to die over a pair of fucking jeans. I’m so sorry if you have received that type of backlash before. Your grief is valid, you loved your brother and he loved you. Hugs ♥️


chowachowa

I remember an older post you made on this sub. You have no reason to be ashamed. No matter the circumstances, you lost your brother and you have every right to feel sad and grieve. Some people will not understand but so many others won't judge, I promise! I am experiencing complicated grief and I needed to read something like this. When my ex passed, I wanted to plant a tree or a flower so that I will always have something that reminds me of him when I see it. At first I wanted a magnolia tree but it won't work in my yard. So I haven't done that yet but it's in my plans. Sending hugs to you x.❤


Sofa_kingTRUE

I have a magnolia tree! We got the little gem. I happen to love the giant grandifloras but they don’t do too great up here, not far enough South. I have done a lot of planting and digging and to hell if it didn’t go with my yard lol. I’ll regret it next year maybe, but not this year. I needed to do this. Thanks for reaching back out. If you ever need to talk I’m here. I hope the weather is as beautiful where you are as it is here in Ohio


mattblackcat

Brilliantly written and understand. Both my children died of suicide, my father was murdered and my older sister was found at 18 months strangled by a cord from blind that attached to a nearby roll down curtain. Me and my family have spent hours over the years discussing this exact subject. How we are caught of guard by questions of how did they die, someone must be to blame, surely we must be cursed. Each one of these deaths have been published and are up for public debate. My only relief was to delete Facebook and stay private in my own person grief. It is of no help for people to share these subjects on my Facebook page and people with good will sharing suicide subjects to me was of no help. I have changed towns, changed jobs and retreated to my garden to try bring life and give myself some sort of meaning..a time to think and clear my head of all the loss is all I understand now.


Sofa_kingTRUE

I love you, Matt, and I understand what it means to you to ha e reached out and said what you did. No judgement here, and no curses. My brother was a compulsive shoplifter and he just couldn’t help himself. He was a manic bipolar and he couldn’t control certain behaviors. For a long time after, I kept asking myself, why why why? Mostly, why wasn’t my love and support enough to make him stop? Why did he do this to me? Those are the wrong questions. He didn’t do this because he didn’t love me, he did these things because he didn’t love himself. And I could love and love him all I wanted, but it didn’t change how he felt about himself. Something in him just didn’t accept that he was loved, or maybe it did, but it didn’t change his own self esteem or feelings of self worth. You don’t have to retreat away from here. In many ways you all know me better than those I see in my daily life, because I bear my soul on here, and I know you just did the same for me/us with your post. You’re not cursed, that’s absurd. You’re loved here and will always have a friend in me should you need one. Come visit my garden if you’re ever in Ohio.


LZARDKING

I spent too much of his life being ashamed of him, which I’m still trying to forgive myself for, I’m not wasting any of his death pretending he was something that he wasn’t. Thanks for this.


Sofa_kingTRUE

Lzard, I see you and I love you. I’m here if you ever need anything. We do the best we can and we honor those we lost by surviving. In surviving we carry them onward in our actions and thoughts. They wouldn’t want us to dwell on the bad things or how they died, they would want us to remember how they lived. When you love someone, they never truly die, we carry them in our heart always. Take care of yourself. Reach out any time you need. I can speak for everyone here, because I know everyone here through my grief, that’s what connects us, and I know that everyone here would be willing to listen if you wanted to talk.


LZARDKING

Thank you so much


Sofa_kingTRUE

You’re welcome. Be safe out there.


Jobelove

Hi OP. Thank you for this post. I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to this complicated grief. My husband was killed while fighting of carjackers who were trying to steal his work truck. Although I know he did nothing wrong, and on the contrary was very brave and courageous until the end, it stings even more to tell others how he died. I can see and feel their discomfort and their pity, and I hate it. And then of course there are those that will admonish my husbands actions, saying that work is not worth your life. Well no shit!! My husband did not intend to die when he fought back, but he also wasn’t going to let someone just walk away with his hard earned tools and equipment without trying to stop them. It just really sucks the way it all happened and I myself sometimes get upset at him. It’s no wonder it’s called complicated grief. Sending you hugs OP.


Sofa_kingTRUE

Likewise to you, Jobe. Don’t get mad at him. If you think about it, so much of your life is invested into your career and it’s how you provide for yourself and your family, so in a way, he was fighting for his livelihood and ability to provide for you and for his family. He wasn’t acting stupidly or selfishly. People always ask, why didn’t your brother just hand over the bag with the jeans in it, instead of holding onto it? I don’t know. I can’t answer why, but I can definitively say no one deserves to die like that or for that, no one. I’m so sorry for your loss. So senseless. I hope you get justice. We are still fighting here, but I’ll never give up. My brother wouldn’t give up on me. I always took care of him, I was his doctor, his sister, his caretaker, his best friend, this is the last thing I’ll ever get to do for him and I won’t give up. Thank you for your story and for sharing. It’s amazing how all of us are strangers in that we don’t really know each other, but that we are not strangers to each other in our grief. In many ways that’s a deeper connection than most we can form in this world. I’ll be here always should you ever want to talk. Take care of yourself and for those times you can’t, we are all here to listen.


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Sofa_kingTRUE

My god, you don’t know how much I have prayed for that every day, but the ADA is refusing to charge him. He said there’s not enough evidence. We have no recourse, but I’ll keep fighting. It’s the last thing I’ll ever get to do for my brother and I’ll fight until I can’t anymore. There’s no statute of limitations on murder. You shouldn’t have to fight so hard for justice, but the ADA seems to be politically motivated. Regardless of your beliefs, this was so horrific, so violent. Please read about my brother’s case below if you wish. He made a mistake and he suffered so horribly in his last moments with his killer standing over him. He begged for his life. He was a singer and instead of hearing his beautify voice, I hear him screaming for help from the man who just lethally stabbed him while that man mocks him. The garden brings me some peace and comfort, but it is short lived. Thank you for you response. Take care of you and yours. It means a lot that you reached out in support. Bless you. https://www.reddit.com/r/HendersonNV/comments/nl65ra/rotten_in_denmark_a_killer_walks_free_an/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb


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Sofa_kingTRUE

Yes, we will be civilly pursuing this. We have a team of lawyers to help and will be going after him, Allied Universal security, Dillard’s and the Galleria Mall in Henderson. After this happened, I researched cases involving excessive force on civilians by security guards and loss prevention. The violence is staggering and we do not hear about this in the news because, again, who wants to read about a criminal dying, but there shouldn’t be a death sentence for petty larceny. At the time Ian died, in January 31, 2021, his case was the 24th security guard involved homicide of a civilian in the country. Why? During the storms in Texas, the horrible ice storm that was national news, I was there and people were desperate for food and water. A man was shot to death at Walmart by a security guard for stealing a case of water for his family because the water facilities shut down due to massive power outages— they couldn’t purify the water. It was horrible. What a senseless loss of life. While we will pursue punishment civilly, it means little to nothing and brings minimal Comfort and so I’ll keep pushing for a criminal case. I’ll keep trying, because it’s all I can do for him and for my parents, who lost their first born son.


Primary_Extension806

It's sad and I'm sorry, they both made a mistake that day.. And I'm sorry for your loss it could have gone either way...


Sofa_kingTRUE

I know. :/ it’s a mistake all of us who loved him have to live with forever and yet I can’t bring myself to even feel an ounce of anger towards him. thank you for your support and for reaching out.


[deleted]

I’m so sorry you lost your brother in such a sudden, violent way 🌷 To be stabbed to death over shoplifting a pair of jeans is so unjustified. Your brother didn’t deserve that, and neither did you 💕


Sofa_kingTRUE

Thank you, Frenchie, for your support and kindness. It means a lot to connect with all of you because I’ve been so withdrawn in my daily life. I feel like I know all of you, and you know me through our shared grief and experiences. It’s not a club or group I ever wanted to be a part of nor do I ever want anyone else to be a part of it either, but we’re all here and the best we can do is take care of ourselves and each other. I don’t know you, but I love you. I love you all.


[deleted]

💜💜


anntheog

Thankyou so much for sharing this with us. Lost my younger sibling last year and this comforted me a lot. Sending you so much love.


Sofa_kingTRUE

Thank you, ann. I’m here if you ever need to talk about your loss, just as I’m sure anyone in this group would be here to support you. Take care of yourself out there.


redlloyd

Unconditional love is just that. Your brother has yours. I would be interested in knowing what happened as far as an investigation into your brother's death. I'm a retired cop and I've never come across anything like this.


Sofa_kingTRUE

There wasn’t much of an investigation, unfortunately. We got so much run around and conflicting statements and outright lies. I’m conservative, and I supported the police and am a physician myself. I know what it means to put your life on the line to save others, but what happened here was sick. I’m afraid of law enforcement or anyone in uniform now. Which is illogical, I know, but just how I’ve processed what happened here. I worked i the coroners office for years as an assistant to the ME, and I’ve seen investigations time and time again. My brother was alive when he was taken to the hospital. No one, police or hospital, notified our family and he died alone. After he died, still no notification. We all assumed he was just missing. The police were utilizing his phone, probably reviewing for evidence, so we assumed Ian was alive, when he wasn’t. He was sent to the ME as a JOhn Doe despite him having his ID on him and him having been ID’d and toe tagged at the hospital. I felt from the very beginning that my brother was assumed to have been a homeless transient, a vagrant, a criminal, and they treated him as of no one would care about him or miss him, and they were surprised to find out he had a family. It certainly is a very strange case, and thus far we have gotten no justice criminally. The ADA says they don’t have enough evidence to prosecute and the police said they can’t pursue more evidence because the ADA told them to close the case. I feel stuck as if I have no recourse or options to get the case to move forward. We are pursuing the case civilly, but I don’t care about that. I want the guy in jail. My brother didn’t deserve to be stabbed to death for petty larceny, for a pair of jeans. Even though the guard broke every protocol of his employment, every rule in the book for Mall cops, the ADA says that despite the fact that he hates what the guy did, those are issues to be raised civilly and he is not liable criminally. The ADA also made some politically and racially motivated statements that suggested he was unwilling to try this case as he was running for a house seat and did not want to alienate any voters. My brother is white/middle eastern. His killer was black. The ADA actually said he didn’t want to charge a black man for killing a white man because it would “bring Black Lives Matter” to Las Vegas. I don’t care what anyone’s political beliefs or motivations are, I love everyone and treat everyone equal in medicine, I assume the same is true under the law, but it doesn’t appear so here.


redlloyd

Sounds like there should be a federal investigation. Hugs to you! ( And thank you for your answer!)


Sofa_kingTRUE

If you have suggestions as to how I can go about that, let me know in messages. I’d love to hear about any options. Thank you for your understanding and support.


exhustedmommy

I understand this 100%. My father was brutally murdered in 2016. The murder was carried out because my father was way deep into methamphetamine again, and when caught (dropped dirty for his PO) he promised to snitch on the "big guys" to avoid another 10yr prison sentence and instead do six months of in patient rehab. He was found on the side of the road the morning he was supposed to go to rehab. All of his belongings, including his ID, money, and drugs were found scattered around his body. The only thing the killers took were his guitars, that have never been recovered.


Sofa_kingTRUE

Oh my gosh, that’s so sad. I understand your feelings regarding your father’s drug use and how hard that is on a family. Not only to see them struggling and feel helpless, but to know that they aren’t themselves while they’re using. It’s like it takes over and it’s hard to reconcile the person you know they are or were with the person they are when they are using. It doesn’t make you love them any less, I know. I can’t say anything that will help you, except that I and everyone else here in this forum will be here should you ever need someone to listen. Take care of you and yours, and know that here we can all take care of one another.


exhustedmommy

Thank you. It means a lot to hear that. Drugs are life destroying and so many look down on the people caught in that web. Addicts are broken people who are usually self medicating for other issues they don't know how to deal with, or refuse to deal with. My sister is a recovering addict, and my mom is still an active user. Thankfully I never chose that path, as I could see the destruction it caused. But losing loved ones due to it really hurts. I'm in therapy now to deal with my childhood, and with the murder of my father, and the unrelated murder of my step father. It helps to be able to talk it out and get everything I have pent up inside out on the table.


CautiousManatee

I recently created a memorial garden in the corner of my backyard for my mom after 10 years of not knowing what to do with my grief, rage, and shame related to her death. It's not much yet but when the first flower bloomed I felt so connected to her after years of feeling cut off. Working hard on something in her memory has been very therapeutic and has helped me focus on accepting what is instead of what should have been. I'm so sorry your brother was taken away from you like that and I'm so glad you were able to let go of the shame.


Sofa_kingTRUE

Thank you Manatee. Yes, definitely helps to bring life forth in their memory. Even pulling weeds helps, a mindless activity you can do to release pent up emotion while sorting through your other feelings. I e been weeding so much, I get excited when I see weeds now. I put up wind chimes and I’m going to make a nice bench myself with a vast or mold and concrete, I hope. It may end up looking nothing like a bench, never done It before. Thank you for your response and for sharing. We are all connected and know each other here in our grief, even as complete strangers. You’ll find friends here in all of us should you ever need one. Be safe out there and take care of you and yours, and know we are here for those times when you can’t.


M00N3EAM

My brother was murdered in 2019, shot to death and left in the desert for a month before they found him. It's hard sometimes because supposedly he had scammed the guy (who was later caught and is still awaiting trial) who did it. He wasn't a bad person, just caught up in some shit he couldn't control. No matter what they did, no one deserves to die like that. I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. It sucks.


Sofa_kingTRUE

I hear you, and I completely understand. I wish I didn’t have that in common with anyone else, but I do. We are all here now and the best we can do is look out for ourselves and each other. Thank you for sharing and for your support. You’ll have a friend here should you ever need one.


giraffodil1

Thanks for sharing this. I'm so sorry that you lost your brother in such a traumatic way. He didn't deserve to die like that even if he was shoplifting at the time. I would think most people would be supportive and say the same thing. Any judgmental people aren't worth your time anyways. Have you thought about adding a little memorial sign to your garden? That could be a nice way to remember him and show that you are proud of him. I have been struggling with complicated grief too and its nice to know there are others out there who understand how hard it is. I lost my ex-boyfriend/good friend last fall to an overdose after I watched him struggle terribly with alcoholism. It was very traumatic and I'm still having a really hard time with it. Its a different situation so I won't say I know what you're going through, but I can imagine how it feels based on the pain I've felt the past 7 months. Hang in there and keep talking about it, it helps.


Sofa_kingTRUE

It’s different, but equal, giraffodil, because there’s always stigma and fear of being judged. You can say you know how I feel, and I the same. We know each other through our grief and none of us on here are truly strangers because of that. In fact, we may know each other on a deeper level than many do I. Our own daily lives because we are so honest and bear our souls here. I’m glad this is a safe place to do so and should you ever need anything, I’m sure any one of us would show you the kindness and support you have shown me by just sharing and responding. Take care of yourself out there.


dismal-cantalouper

Thank you.


Sofa_kingTRUE

You’re welcome cantalouper. You’re welcome.


amongthewildflowers9

Any worry, shame, burden, that you have of not disclosing the circumstances of your loss, I wish I could take off you. It does not matter that he allegedly committed this crime. Your brother died. You are allowed to grieve. And you will. And you have this one person’s permission to do so openly. There is no judgement here from me.


Sofa_kingTRUE

I love you, wildflowers. Thank you. I am not ashamed anymore. I love my brother and I’d take him back in any capacity if it were possible. I’m proud of him for living with his bipolar as long as he did. I’m lucky to have been his little/only sister. I feel no shame in having known him. WhenI think of the kind of person he was...he could let anything roll off him. He seemed to never let things get to him. He was polite and kind and never met a stranger. Even in his last minutes, there was no cursing, no anger. He begged the man who had fatally wounded him for help, and he said, “please, sir”, “please help me, sir”, “please don’t do this to me, sir”, and that man stood over him and mocked him. He didn’t call for help nor did he render aid. My brother pleaded for the killer to give him his phone so he could call for help, and again he said please and sir made no demands of the man who had just hurt him so badly, and again his request for help was refused. It just hurts me all the more to hear him politely pleading for his life to his killer, but I don’t know that anyone else would have the same grace in a situation like that. My brother never held a grudge, but I am not my brother and I can’t forgive or forget, and I do hold a grudge. These are my beautiful brothers singing at my wedding. The one in red is Ian. How can he have taken this gift from me? I hear my brothers voice more loudly pleading for his life than I do his laughter and singing. I’ll never hear him sing again. I grieve for who my brother was, but mostly I grieve for who he could have been had he been given a second chance. That hurts most, to never know. https://imgur.com/gallery/E8mYfK8


mattblackcat

Thank you for your kind words. It's so easy to be forthcoming to a stranger, a person close to me, not so much. Like you said this space allows total honesty. You can run your story past us and express your feelings for your loved one. One thing death and loss has taught me is I can appreciate truth I can appreciate real people. I can weed out the nonsense of life, because I have to cut to the core immediately to keep it all real. My choice to retreat is not to exclude new friendships or hide from a world I still find fascinating, but to give my self breathing room in a suffocating demanding fast moving world I no longer have anything to add to. Social media has me in to despair at how flippant people are, their opinions their hate. I spend what time I have around people uplifting them and reassuring them that they are more than enough. I want them to love themselves and others, it's my only wish now in my life story. I want to invite you to my garden which we call my secret garden and also my flower garden full of all I need. But my garden is in New Zealand, Oturehua to be precise. Although we are on different ends of the earth we have experienced the same experience. Again thank you for your love and best wishes it is all I wish for you in your journey to understand.


Sofa_kingTRUE

New Zealand, wow! Yes, having experienced something like this, it’s like you have X-ray vision to sort through bullshit and monotony. I find myself sometimes losing patience with people’s mundane every day complaints or problems. When they say, “I’m devastated” or “my life is ruined”, I think, my god, at least you have a life. It’s like in Harry Potter, Luna Lovegood has witnessed and experienced traumatic death and tragedy, so she sees a whole other world full of creatures that coexist in the normal world, but are invisible to those who haven’t experienced that kind of loss in their life. It’s like going from old tricolor movies to vivid color. You can experience a whole wider, fuller range of emotions and you feel everything more deeply and it sets you apart from everyone else in your life who doesn’t see or feel things the way you can, but when you meet another person, you know, sometimes without words that tragedy connects you to one another. I haven’t been back to work, since it happened. I’m a primary care physician and I worry I’ll have a hard time handling mundane complaints from my patients. But, they are entitled to their complaints and it isn’t their fault they haven’t had a similar experience, in fact, I’d never wish it on anyone, so it isn’t fair of me to judge them, but I still sometimes find myself getting annoyed. When I’m ready to go back, I will. Send me photos of your garden sometime. I don’t know how to do it on here, but I’d love to see, even if it’s not the same as seeing in person. When a garden is grown with love, you can tell.


gadowain

Thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry to hear about your brother. My father died of an accidental polydrug overdose in August 2018. I still have a very difficult time explaining the circumstances around his death to people I don't know well enough to trust. I always find it strange when people ask how he died, but I suppose the question makes sense as he was only 54. Your words about shame and your brother's lifestyle resonated with me. I love my dad despite how he lived and I should invite others in to do the same. Additionally, it is interesting you mentioned gardening. I have been wanting to plant a small garden for my father, with marigolds, because when I was a kid he loved to garden and I used to help him pick out marigolds and plant them. Thanks for encouraging me to follow through with this. Sending you lots of love and healing thoughts. X


Sofa_kingTRUE

Plant a garden full of as many species and variations of marigolds you possibly can. Save the seeds at the end of the season for the next year, that way, it’s like carrying on the original, just like you carry forward your father with you always. I’m sorry for your loss gadowain, losing a parent is a separate kind of loss, but absolutely equal in magnitude. You’re not alone here. Reach out any time should you need anything. I’m glad you responded. Thank you.


gadowain

Thank you. You are so kind. I like the idea of saving the seeds. I am moving to a new city at the end of this year so it would be nice to take the seeds and "him" with me. I have a small memorial for him on my bookcase but the marigolds are significant to both of us. Please take care. Thank you again.


Sofa_kingTRUE

Your marigolds reminded me of this: https://imgur.com/gallery/tjuTGVF My brother was a singer. The song makes me think of sunshine and fields of marigolds and sunflowers. This is the gift that my family lost, that was stolen from us. But, I want to share, because I hope it brightens your day. Don’t forget to hit the volume icon in the upper right screen to hear.


gadowain

That was so, so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.


scbejari

Your brother didn’t deserve to die that way, at all. I’m sorry for your loss x


Sofa_kingTRUE

Thank you scbejari. Thank you for your support. I love my brother. It was a true blessing to have known him and I’ll treasure the time I had with him always. It’s hard not to think about the horrific way he died and so I hear his voice in my head more loudly when he was begging for his life than I do when he would sing or laugh. But, I’m not ashamed. The person who killed him should be. There was no reason, none at all, to kill him that night. We just will never understand why, and this there is no closure. But what does closure actually do? It doesn’t make you grieve less. It doesn’t bring him back. You never close anything, you just learn to live with and adapt to the gaping hole in your heart, but there’s no closure.


scbejari

I agree 100% 😘


MexicanZombette

Thank you for sharing. I lost my brother to Overdose. Every time I ever answered how I always felt that I needed to explain that he wasn't a junkie, he wasn't using daily. He meant so much to our family it still hurts that anyone could ever think less of him. I pray that I can get to that stage where I stop feeling like that. You're so right, his death or his mistakes are not who he ever was. Sending you my love and condolences.


Sofa_kingTRUE

I DO hear you and I DO know exactly how you feel. You don’t owe anyone an explanation other than to say your brother was dearly loved and he is sorely missed. You’ll never be able to fully convey to them who he was and what he meant to you. They will never have the pleasure of knowing him like you did, so think About the things you know, and stop dwelling On the things you can’t, all the if only’s and why’s and what if’s. You can’t answer those questions, but if someone asked you if you loved your brother, the answer would unequivocally be YES, and that’s the only thing that matters.


plaidpants033

i am so sorry for the loss of your brother. i am truly, deeply horrified reading about what happened to him. i lost my brother to suicide a month ago. in the past year he was arrested, forcibly hospitalized three times, had a psychotic break, and finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. i am just devastated that he was not able to get the help that he so desperately needed. what a cruel world we live in where people are shamed for their mental health issues; where quality mental health care is financially inaccessible for most. where people can be murdered over clothes. i can't help but think we would both still have our brothers if this world was a bit more kind. i hope that you are able to find justice in some way. the lack of justice is hard for me; i feel like my brother was failed in so many ways throughout his life, by my parents, by his doctors, and mostly by society as a whole. what a fucking shame. thank you so much for sharing, and i am so sorry.


Sofa_kingTRUE

Likewise, plaid. Thank you for reaching out. I love you. Yes, my brother was a manic bipolar. Yes, he had legal issues because he had compulsive behaviors. People are so quick to call him a criminal and say he deserved to die or say my parents should have raised him better. There’s no compassion. My brother was arrested and put in jail five days before he died and they let him go because of Covid. I can’t help but wonder what if they had kept him? Or sent him to a mental health treatment facility? Would he still be alive? I’ll torture myself with the questions I’ll never have answers to. I’m sorry about your brother, and to have had that happen so recently, I’m sure you’re still in shock. I was in shock for months. I think it’s your body and brain trying to help you survive the first weeks to months after, to help you get the the worst of it. The sad thing is that my brother had been under great control with medication for almost two years and he did very well. He stopped his medicine because he developed facial tics. He then spun out of control almost immediately. And that went on for four months, but two weeks before he died, he resumed therapy. It just hadn’t built up in his system. He wanted to improve and get better because he had gotten another job. He was willing. And now I’ll never know if he could have responded to the therapy what he’d be doing with his life now. I understand that your brother fell through the cracks too many times. Mine did, too. My brother was happy to be manic because he couldn’t handle the severe depression. He never attempted suicide, but he was killing himself slowly with other things. He was loved dearly. He didn’t do the things he did because he wasn’t loved by us, he did it because he didn’t love himself. No matter how much I loved him, I couldn’t change that for him and neither could he. I hate to say I know what you’re feeling, but I do. More than you know. Please reach out any time. Take care of yourself out there. And thank you for your kind words. It means a lot. I’m very sorry about your brother. His death does not take away from who he was to you and how much you loved him. Those things can only be defined by how he lived.


AlrightyAphroditey

My father took his own life and I feel afraid to tell people


Sofa_kingTRUE

Well, you’re brave to tell us Aphroditey. Thank you. You’re not alone, though I know it feels like you are. I go to a grief group, but no one there has lost someone to murder, so I feel even more alone, but I do get to share and it does help unburden my feelings. Your loved one isn’t a burden, but your feelings about their death can be. If you can’t talk about it, it poisons you. You can always reach out to me if you need anything. I hope you have other family who can support you. I know that when someone dies like my brother, or your father, there are so many unanswered questions, it’s easy to start asking yourself what you did or didn’t do, what you might have missed, what could or should you have done, why wasn’t my love enough to help him? It was, Aphroditey. It was. It’s ok to love your father and not be ashamed or embarrassed for how he died. If you love someone, you love them no matter what. It doesn’t mean you have to like or agree with everything they do or have done. Your fathers death is just a small part of who he was and how he lived, it doesn’t have to define who he was to you and how much you loved him.


Primary_Extension806

So SORRY for your brothers murder. ..there's no words... However I did not know security carry knives and use them..maybe your brother had the knife and attack the guard, I'm asking you because stores have rules about not getting to involved or in a dangerous confrontation..either way your brother was kill and I'm sorry,, but I also hope you have a good attorney to sue the store, the guard, again sorry..


Sofa_kingTRUE

It was definitively the guard’s own knife. He stated he pulled out his own knife and ran up to Ian to “get in his face” and “confront him”. Witnesses saw him do this. They filmed it. They also said my brother was unarmed. Yes, the guard broke all policies and rules in the book that night, but the ADA states that is not a criminal issue, it’s a civil issue. They otherwise say, despite video evidence and witnesses that there is not enough evidence to charge him. They said they hate what the guard did, but they’re not going to charge the guard. The guard says, at the time my brother was stabbed to death, that my brother raised his right arm and the guard freaked out and stabbed him to death. Ian was surrendering. He initially had both hands in the bag containing the jeans and the fingers of his left hand were cut off by the guard, at that point, Ian let go and put his arms up, but the guard stabbed him in the chest. Ian was 6’5”, 330lbs. The guard says he was intimidated and in fear for his life and the ADA thinks he can’t garner sympathy for my brother from a jury because he was committing a crime when he died. I thank you for the question. It is very hard to believe. Very hard to understand how this could have possibly happened, but it did and is becoming increasingly frequent. I’ve been researching occurrences of excessive force by private security guards and loss prevention resulting in homicide and it is appalling. Truly a horrendous trend. The guard was to be unarmed, not even to have pepper spray, let alone a knife. He did not have a permit to carry this knife as is required for knives longer than two inches in the state of NV. Thank you for reaching out. I’ve posted the link on here a couple of times to my brother’s article if you want to read more and review the police report.