T O P
foxinabathtub

(Meanwhile at the CIA) "Jesus...Okay on to the next plan... Cubans like guitar music. Right? Can we...poison him through a guitar?" "How about we just shoot him in the fucking head?" "For the last time Daniels! That's not how we operate! Anyway, have we tried dropping a big anvil on him?"


verasev

They did eventually send Daniels and she chose to have sex with him instead of killing him.


foxinabathtub

"Listen, Daniels...No listen...I saw this Bugs Bunny cartoon once where he dressed up as a sexy lady to deceive Elmer Fudd. Don't give me that look! Do you want to serve your country or not??"


MaetelofLaMetal

CIA femboy is truly the most elite of spy positions.


dxpqxb

China has actually used femboys for espionage. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernard_Boursicot


WikiSummarizerBot

**[Bernard Boursicot](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernard_Boursicot)** >Bernard Boursicot (born on 12 August 1944) is a French diplomat who was caught in a honeypot trap (seducing him to participate in Chinese espionage) by Shi Pei Pu, a male Peking opera singer who performed female roles, whom Boursicot believed to be female. This espionage case became something of a cause célèbre in France in 1986, as Boursicot and Shi were brought to trial, owing to the nature of the unusual sexual subterfuge alleged. ^([ )[^(F.A.Q)](https://www.reddit.com/r/WikiSummarizer/wiki/index#wiki_f.a.q)^( | )[^(Opt Out)](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=WikiSummarizerBot&message=OptOut&subject=OptOut)^( | )[^(Opt Out Of Subreddit)](https://np.reddit.com/r/CuratedTumblr/about/banned)^( | )[^(GitHub)](https://github.com/Sujal-7/WikiSummarizerBot)^( ] Downvote to remove | v1.5)


PesticusVeno

This would have never worked in the US. No politician would have pursued an affair with Shi if they thought he was a girl.


P3rs3s

More like Shi would have been far too old for the average US politician.


deejay-the-dj

They had a 20 year long affair and he never suspected Shi to be a man? In 20 years? Somethings wrong. I can feel it


UncannyTarotSpread

Shi could apparently retract his testes so he was… convincing.


ScabiesShark

Convincing enough that when he "bought" (imma say probably kidnapped) a Uyghur baby, he managed to convince the diplomat it was theirs


GlabbinGlabber

Ok but that means they definitely were having sex, did ppl just fuck in the dark in the 40s. How do you sleep with someone for that long and not look at their vagina? I get that maybe he could hide his male organs in some way, but specifically you need a vagina to have a baby. How did he pull that off? I realize we probably don't have these answers but I just feel I'd notice if my female lover only had 1 hole down there. Especially after years.


ScabiesShark

From the Wikipedia articles about Shi, Boursicot, and their affair: "In police custody, Shi explained to doctors how he had hidden his genitals to convince Boursicot that he was a woman. And as the French doctors sent to examine Pei Pu discovered, he had the ability to make his testicles ascend into his body cavity and tuck his penis back, creating the illusion of female genitalia" "As recorded in his diary, Boursicot had previously had sexual relations only with fellow male students in school and wanted to meet a woman and fall in love" "He [Boursicot] attended boarding schools as a youth, where he engaged in multiple homosexual affairs with other students; upon graduation, Boursicot became determined to have sex with a woman for the first time, believing that institutionalized homosexuality among boarding students was merely a rite of passage." I'm gonna imagine sex education at fancy British boarding schools in post-WWII UK wasn't *stellar.* So, some combination of Boursicot's ignorance of female anatomy, wishful thinking on his part that he wasn't *really gay,* Shi being a *professional and renowned* Dan performer, and Shi having that *fiya* bussy Edit: thinking on it, Boursicot was the perfect mark for this deception, you really couldn't ask for a better combination of traits. But I bet those all applied to any number of British overseas government representatives, he was just in the place at the time


Amelia_Baxter

The answer is that he knew and he was lying lmao.


LastChanceMCAT

All these people talking about retracting genitals and fucking in the dark with a blindfold on to avoid the obvious reality. He knew, he knew about it and enjoyed fucking men.


Washpedantic

[Billy Tipton](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Tipton) was able to get away with it multiple partners.


deejay-the-dj

Talk about dedication to the cause.


Sad_Objective6271

Fun fact: David Cronenberg of all people directed a film adaptation of a play about this. ​ Jeremy Irons played Boursicot.


ScabiesShark

This is actually a really sad, strangely sweet, kinda funny story upon reading the wiki pages. Imagine my shock when I saw David Cronenberg directed the film adaptation, then my confusion to find out it's just a regular romance movie without any shapeshifting, that also has an awful rotten tomatoes score


IAmHereToAskQuestion

*Oh my*, in France of all places. Salacious salon scandal!


bluejay55669

>CIA femboy you mean the NSA


MaetelofLaMetal

S stands for Slovenian.


GR8dantini

This is actually true! Her name want Daniels, I don’t think. But they did try to turn a girlfriend of his. They sent her to kill him. His machismo was too strong apparently. She was sent to put a bullet in his head. He ended up putting a baby in her tummy instead. https://jezebel.com/the-story-of-marita-lorenz-the-cia-agent-who-was-sent-1789382434


ergotofrhyme

What is this referring to? I tried to look it up but wasn’t finding anything


jahmez

Probably referring to [Marita Lorenz](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marita_Lorenz).


KaennBlack

Fun fact: they did the shooting thing with another Central American dictator, Rafael Trujillo (who unlike Castro was inarguably an evil son of a bitch), when they sponsored and armed insurgents that got in a car chase and shootout with him and his chauffeur, ending with a gun right on a highway. It was the single most action movie assassination to ever happen.


Tactical_Moonstone

The final death scene was something straight out of an action movie. Trujillo was nicknamed "Bottlecap" for his penchant for awarding himself a ridiculous number of military decorations (a habit he cultivated since childhood with actual bottlecaps). When he was executed at the end of the car chase, his assassin was alleged to have said "It's all over, Bottlecap!"


Throgg_not_stupid

It's over Bottlecap, I have the high ground!


WaffleThrone

Then he said "It's not over 'til I say it's over," and tore off his shirt and he was ripped, and then all the bullets bounced off because of nanomachines, so Raiden had to pull out Jetstream Sam's HF blade and they fought to the death on top of Metal Gear.


Sly_Wood

They also actively supported funded and helped assassinate chiles democratically elected President for essentially being the first Bernie sanders. They did it before he was even elected and undercut all his policies. They made it seem like he committed suicide and put in Pinochet who commited mass murder for control. After that assassinations were denounced officially by the USA but obviously they kept at it.


CapitalistWatermelon

While the part about the US supporting the coup is true, Allende had a few good years actually in power as democratically-elected President before the military overthrew him.


Sly_Wood

Before he was elected it’s public record now that the cia spent millions to oppose his party and undermine him in every possible manner. While in power they kept at it. Somewhat successfully sabotaging his tenure but eventually succeeding in his assassination.


Brandilio

This could almost be a conversation between Bullock and Stan in American Dad!


Polenball

I like how at some point they clearly believed they could get *something* nefarious to Castro, but had completely abandoned the idea of making it outright toxic in favour of humiliating him. Could just spray his broadcasting studio with neurotoxin or something, but no, gotta try the LSD.


Serrisen

Practically, I imagine they were afraid that getting caught in direct action would be ultimately bad. Like, "they killed the Castro, protect our country, destroy America!" But, alternatively, if he goes apeshit? Maybe no one will screen the cigars for toxins. That said, I prefer to believe it was an elaborate game to try to hit Castro with the weirdest shit the US govt had recently started experimenting with. "We can crop dust LSD? Get it the FUCK to Cuba, GOGOGO"


Polenball

Castro just out here as the fucking universal test subject for every new CIA technique


Serrisen

Think they took bets on it? "$50 on the hallucinogen cigars" "You crazy? The botulism cigars didn't even get to his house. $100 on LSD mist" "Both of you are idiots, next paycheck that it's the estrogen that collapses Cuba" Meanwhile Castro is cha-cha-ing real smooth as he dodges all of them


Polenball

They're putting chemicals in the water to turn the friggin commies trans!


Serrisen

WAIT NO I MADE A MISTAKE. It was Hitler that the allied forces tried to bimbo-fy with estrogen strikes. - Dodging US bullshit Hitler 🤝 Castro


Polenball

I'm fairly sure that was the UK and it's apocryphal, but it *is* very funny.


Serrisen

You know what they say. Never let the truth get in the way of a ~~good~~ half-assed joke


ScabiesShark

I mean, to me it sounds like an okay idea. Like, what do you do when the fuhrer is just suddenly super agreeable? Probably kill him, pin it on the allies, then ramp up the holocaust because obviously shit is getting real weird. Actually no maybe it would have been just a stupid idea


dxpqxb

Fuck, it worked.


KoirMaster

And then he fucking died of cancer, the madlad


mistbrethren

Ultimate middle finger to the CIA They tried everything, little did they know it was to be his own body who would do him in.


LaUNCHandSmASH

I listened to the MK Ultra Behind the Bastards episode and IIRC at one point the guy running the whole thing was sitting on a toilet staring through a peephole in a wall watching Johns have sex with prostitutes the CIA hired to dose them. Just to see what happens. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind they were taking bets.


TedKFan6969

and the fucker eluded every one of them


iptables-abuse

I mean, they did try to actually kill him like 20 times as well as the LSD stuff.


ScabiesShark

I'm not sure of the strategy of the top decision-makers, but my theory on the idea guys is that it was a great way to get a blank check for any weird personal projects they needed excuses for; for them, success would have been failure, because a dead Castro meant the spigot was turned off. Honestly not dissimilar from the way they were throwing money at any project that could be branded as a mind-control project for MKUltra


nudelsalat3000

>they were afraid that getting caught in direct action would be ultimately bad Well it's an attack, so they could start again with nuclear silos for self defence, and is even covered by UN given it's a war of aggression from US. Many way it could go upside down right.


noximo

> Practically, I imagine they were afraid that getting caught in direct action Or they were afraid killing him would put him on t-shirts.


funcalamari

Because assassinations are illegal, and killing Castro outright would have martyred him. Poisoning him with something that would cause him to act irrationally is a great propaganda tool, and would make everyone who took him seriously look foolish as well.


perryw

Assassinations were banned by Executive Order in 1976 in response to shit like this https://www.justsecurity.org/27407/assassination-ban-targeted-killings/


funcalamari

From a domestic policy, absolutely. But international law is a little more vague on the subject, and while the CIA is more than happy to do some vile and evil shit, it has never (to the best of my knowledge) directly assassinated the head of state of another country. Doing so is Franz Ferdinand levels of bad, and they clearly cared more about humiliating him than killing him (otherwise they would have just had a really good marksman shoot him and be done with it)


likwidchrist

Castro was a larger than life figure in every sense of the phrase. And during this time in particular he was insanely popular among the Cuban people.


LuxNocte

I'm not sure how specific the plans were to dose Castro were, but during MK Ultra the CIA was literally just dosing random people with LSD for shits and giggles. I suspect the thought process was less "what chemical do we deliver to Castro" and more "what havoc can we cause with all this LSD".


EvergreenEnfields

At some point in there, they were pranking other agents in the office by slipping LSD into their coffee. What a wild time.


NonGNonM

killing him would make it obvious he was targeted and someone with more passion might rise up as a show of revenge. It would stir up the people to not only fight harder but also to strike back at the people who called it into action. Also it gives more validity to their ideas because 'whoa he scared america so much they had to kill him, he must've been on to something' while also bringing in the US to possible international conflict for assassinating a foreign leader. but make him look crazy/foolish? it takes away a lot of power from a movement that relied on a cult of personality. imagine if elon suddenly lost all his hair or went on a crazy twitter live rant. or if Trump ran around Mar-a-lago naked screaming about how the space jew lasers got him. it would take a lifetime of explaining. Plus people forget a lot of the roots of the CIA and young spycraft started from college kids who were in secret fraternities and stuff at yale and harvard. It's not a coincidence that these are basically advanced college dorm pranks.


techno156

This would have been the Cold War/MKUltra era, wouldn't it? Maybe they thought that they could mind control him into serving their interests or something by dosing him up with various drugs.


[deleted]

I doubt most of these were ever seriously considered. A couple wastrels were probably given a month to come up with literally every possible way to kill or embarrass Fidel.


verasev

Central "intelligence" Agency


RoughShadow

Central Intelligence Agency, not Central Wisdom Agency.


TheOtherSarah

And clearly the assassin wasn’t the highest CHA in the room


jemmo_

Well, they aren't the Central "Reasonable Fucking Ideas" Agency


sumr4ndo

Robert Evans on Behind the Bastards podcast talks about how the CIA got big into LSD during this time frame. It was to the point where they sent out agency wide memos advising the punch at a holiday party may be spiked with LSD. There was a lot of messed up dark stuff, too, but it was a good listen. It is like four instalments, though.


jemmo_

Thanks! I love me a good "the cold war era was fucking insane" discussion


4thofeleven

My favorite is the time they actually managed to get an agent close to him with orders to kill him. No crazy plan, no drugs, just regular assassination. It failed because Castro successfully seduced the assassin.


Madmek1701

Dude pulled a fucking James Bond.


DeepFuckingDebt

Castro. Fidel Castro.


Imaginary_Cattle_426

Everyone talks about the CIA plans to kill Castro, no-one talks about the Cuban secret service's plan to make Castro immune to assasination by spraying him with aphrodisiacs


Perfect_Wrongdoer_03

And then he played russian roulette in front of her, while saying that he can't be killed!


Lawlcopt0r

At that point it had a 1/6 chance of becoming a successful assassination attempt, that's probably not worse than the chances of succeeding when you're going in guns blazing


Perfect_Wrongdoer_03

Yeah, but he did it for the bit.


Lawlcopt0r

Understandable


moneyh8r

I bet that got the assassin really riled up.


Polenball

Gigachadstro


GlobalIncident

I mean, this does fail to mention that the agent was his ex-lover


RollinOnDubss

Everyone is also ignoring that like 99% of these "plans" never made it any farther than being said out loud one time.


Throwaway02062004

Makes you wonder what they thought was too stupid to write down tho


logosloki

You mean too funny not to write down.


thesaddestpanda

It’s not like the realized ones were any better. See the bay of pigs for example.


-MurphysDad-

They tried to recruit one of his mistresses, stop getting your info from reddit


KentuckyFuckedChickn

i heard castro liked to shit on hookers and he invented rock and roll music


Shhhhhhhh_Im_At_Work

Fidel Castro? Inventor of the highway and the microphone that I make music with?


klavin1

That was John McAfee


HilariousScreenname

I heard he had like... 20 goddamn dicks


starkiller_bass

Did I ever tell you about the time I went horseback riding with Castro, but there weren’t any horses around? Well, Castro throws a saddle on my back and rides me around Wyoming for three days. Well, wouldn’t you know it, my stamina increases with each day and I develop tremendous leg muscles. So anyway, Castro decides to enter me in the Breeders’ Cup, right, under the name Turkish Delight. And I’m running in second place, and I’m running and I break my ankle! They’re about to shoot me. Then someone from the crowd yells out, God bless him, ‘Don’t shoot him, he’s a human.'”


AhpSek

People getting their history from reddit\tumblr is really obvious because they repeat shit like this.


Rez-Boa-Dog

In 1964, the CIA painted a road exit on a concrete wall, hoping that Castro would try to drive through it and crash his car. In 1972, the CIA planned to lure Castro under a big hammer by roasting a big chicken. In 1974, the CIA built a door on the edge of a cliff, with a sign saying "free cigars for communist dictators"...


roguetrick

>In 1974, the CIA built a door on the edge of a cliff, with a sign saying "free cigars for communist dictators"... Castro entered the door and left with a box of cigars. CIA asset was found dead at bottom of cliff. Funding request for new asset submitted.


Nowhereman123

The CIA asset made a ground in the floor in the perfect shape of his body upon impact, was left only able to hold up a large white picket sign that read "Owch".


Nowhereman123

In 1969, the CIA attempted to pose as a moving company and left a quarter on the sidewalk in an attempt to drop a grand piano on top of him. They accidentally dropped it on an operative, who upon being struck popped out of the top as his teeth wiggled like piano keys playing the first 8 notes of "America the Beautiful"


Rez-Boa-Dog

The opperative recieved the medal of valor post mortem


Nowhereman123

After a transparent version of him wearing white robes with fluffy wings, a halo, and a harp floated up out of his body and into the sky.


TurbulentIssue6

Bold of you to assume there is anyone at the CIA not going straight to hell


Silly_Man_Haha

Didn't they try to fuck with his ice cream at one point.


CueDramaticMusic

Yes, but the assassin left the poison pill inside an ice cream freezer for way too long, causing it to stick and then break as he tried to pull it off the grating. Also looking this up forced me to read the words “the CIA noticed Castro’s ice cream fetish” before I even clicked the article


Polenball

She Road on my Rocky til Ice Cream


GigaVanguard

[EXTREMELY LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER]


2rfv

I don't know what this is but I love it.


Lapis_Lacooli

Tumblr joke, where people were making poor attempts to make a "she _ my _ till I _" joke with Beef Stroganoff


CueDramaticMusic

I have only been forced to witness this once, and I hope it died in the Fire of PornHub Alexandria instead of continuing to mislead people into thinking that it’s hot and not a one way trip to a yeast infection Edit: I cannot find the original cognitohazard, but my god there’s so fucking many videos of this dumb dumb bullshit


Polenball

Oddly curious as to exactly how this was arranged. Did a girl get it eaten out of her freezer box? Was someone fucked with a cocksicle?


CueDramaticMusic

Oh you can find people shoving regular-ass popsicles up their vagina like it’s nothing, but this was an especially dumb case. I’m just gonna. Yeah. >!It was some D-list celebrity whose only claim to fame was being somebody famous’ way too young wife, and the people who made it apparently made a business out of making very shitty sextapes for washed up has-beens. I think her first name was Courtney? Anyway, onto the crimes against the Coldstone Orthodoxy, this was like a regular ass ice cream cone, presumably shoved up there behind the veil of a bathtub, because these fucking losers couldn’t be bothered to do somebody’s fetish right. And then she licked it. And then she smeared it on her shitass bolt-on boobs like it was hot, and not about as boring as any other white lotion on skin. I desperately hope this preview of premium content is now lost media.!< Edit: Remember kids, use the correct version of there/their, or else you’ll imply somebody boofed ice cream for clout


Polenball

Oh thank fucking God she *didn't* lick the ass ice cream like I first read it


CueDramaticMusic

Anyway, terrible news, I found the original video. This useless and cursed knowledge lingered in the back of my head for seven years. The video has a nearly 50% like/dislike ratio. Nobody in the comments is happy. God is dead, and Vivid killed him. On the bright side, apparently they’ve been bought out by the porn equivalent of Netflix in the near decade since.


Sinister_Compliments

I don’t know if this sub has rules about linking to porn, but this video has such a raving review that I also wish to be cursed by the cognitiohazard. (If you’re unwilling to link in the sub, a DM will be fine if you’re willing to do that, I can’t really prove to a stranger on the internet I’m over 18 but if you’ll take my word on it I am over 18) Also the closest thing I can think of for trying to make eating ice cream sexy would be like an almost perfect sphere of ice cream being eaten off of someone’s stomach or chest. Anything else just seems too messy, not enticing, or too unhygienic.


CueDramaticMusic

Yeah, I don[‘](https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=42265483)t know the rules on that specifically, but then again, I[‘](https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=42265483)ve also linked dogshit Ao3 stories before with no repercussions. Overall, I[‘](https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=42265483)m sure the mod team is fine with it, but if AutoMod ain[‘](https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=42265483)t happy, this comment will totally get insta-removed.


CueDramaticMusic

Anyway, to make sure people who don’t want to see that don’t leave here without completely SFW psychic damage, [YouTube just handed me this.](https://youtu.be/XDd9Yb0JvjE)


Facky

Vivid? Were they the ones who were going to make a porno with that guy with the 18 inch- well 5 inches of actual penis and 13 inches of foreskin?


Perfect_Wrongdoer_03

It's a very interesting experience to see you describe porn, I must say.


AnastasiaSheppard

Reddit posts that have 4k upvotes to me.


Silly_Man_Haha

That dude had so many fucking cows


_Wendigun_

All rise for the national Ubre Blanca


Over_Fun_908

I have a book about Fidel and the forward is written by nobel prize winner Gabriel Garcia Marquez. In it he has a harious description of how Fidel used to come to his house, rant about something for hours, eat all his ice cream, then leave.


M-V-D_256

These are all hitman assassination plans


Ok_Listen1510

except 47 would actually succeed


TheDankScrub

And then they managed to both overthrow like three other government AND singlehandedly cause the crack epidemic


velozmurcielagohindu

The audacity of the US government when they speak about democracy is incredible. Bitches have been destabilising half of the planet on purpose to manipulate the power balances since the WWII. They bomb schools, assassinate leaders, and when someone like Snowden exposes them they try to hide him in Guantanamo for a life of torture. Democracy and freedom my ass. The US is just a bully that needs some karma.


2rfv

The U.S. really ranks up there as far as being full of shit goes. Land of the Free, literally built on the backs of slaves. Leader of the Free World, yeah, because we incessantly oppress and destabilize every country we can. Shining beacon of Democracy. Never has been, Never will be. When it was born it was the upper class landowners who called the shots. Now it's Oil Execs, Wall Street and the three letter agencies.


captainthanatos

It should be said that the CIA was given autonomy to do what they want and leave the President plausible deniability. So it’s not like presidents have been ordering these things. They are and have been a rogue agency since the beginning, but I’m pretty sure the last time a congressman tried to bring light to their work it didn’t end well for them.


RequirementExtreme89

The fact that they are allowed to do what they want doesn’t make the US look any better from a third world perspective


captainthanatos

I never said it did. I’m merely pointing out that the CIA has been doing shady shit without even Presidents knowing. So from a lot of Presidents perspectives they were merely getting intel from the CIA without knowing the batshit stuff they were up to.


_-icy-_

Which congressman tried that and failed?


captainthanatos

The person I was thinking of is Senator Frank Church. I was partly wrong, he did die a few years later but from definitely natural causes. The committee he was in charge of is why we know all that we do today about what the CIA was up to. The problem is that Congress then tried to control the CIA and has ultimately failed.


NeonNKnightrider

‘Freedom is non-negotiable’


[deleted]

[удалено]


AdventurousFee2513

Are they not????


[deleted]

[удалено]


just-a-melon

Wow it's a straight up Scooby Doo plot Well, plus the murders, aerial ultimatum, smear campaigns by impersonation of rebel members, puppet local governments, etc.


lead-pencil

Didn’t they also make explosive cigars to use on him?


Sanrusdyne

I'm 90% sure this is literally a fucking looney toons bit


LeikeimColamix

Is that the same CIA that tried to mix titty skittles into Hitler's soup to make his moustache fall out?


dumbbottomsub

Nah, that was the Brits, goal was to make him more motherly and peaceful


NeonNKnightrider

Stepfordization


AddemiusInksoul

I'm not going to google it at work. What the *fuck* is Stepfordization?


NeonNKnightrider

Like bimbofication, but more “docile 50’s houswife” instead of slutty and pink


AddemiusInksoul

hgyeh. Sounds awful.


logosloki

The name comes from the book 'The Stepford Wives', which was made into a 1975 theatrical film (and several TV films) and another theatrical film in 2004. Highly recommend the book and the 2004 film but I have yet to watch the 1975 film or the TV sequels that were inspired by it.


Sanrusdyne

You know if i'm not able to get HRT it's good to know i always have a backup plan now!


poplarleaves

Tfw the US health system is so bad that you have to become a fascist dictator to get some titty skittles, smh


peajam101

I am convinced the CIA deliberately made "attempts" they knew wouldn't work so they could inflate their budget.


BratyaKaramazovy

That, or some agents needed an excuse to get their hands on that neat new drug the agency invented. "We need all of your LSD to...um...drug the commies!"


RavenclawLunatic

Loid in Spy X Family when he did the fake spy thing for Anya and had his organization rent out a whole castle and go way too hard and claimed it was all a business expense


Ein_grosser_Nerd

Planned does not mean attempt. Castros assasination attempts are grossly over inflated by conceptual plans


Ravenkell

I wish they'd go back to that instead of trafficking cocaine to fund weapon purchases for fascists.


peajam101

I'm pretty sure they did both at the same time


clamsmasher

George H.W. Bush was Director of the CIA briefly during the 70's, I wonder if he approved any of these wacky schemes. The Director before him was William E. Colby, which I'm sure if they had internet memes back then would somehow relate his name to the ACME company


MikeOfAllPeople

George *H.* W. Bush, I think it's important to clarify.


clamsmasher

You're right, I forget how similar their names are.


_ChillboBaggins_

He absolutely did


vibraltu

William Colby was the reformist director who de-classified and confessed to all of the evil and crazy shit that the CIA had been concealing for decades. It was a big deal.


Morita_Crowley

They faked a vampire attack in the Philippines. There aren't a lot of thing I won't believe they did


Autizmo-tron

This is the difference between Intelligence and Wisdom


Polenball

Intelligence is knowing tomatoes are a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to try assassinating Castro with a tomato. Charisma is knowing how to convince the President it *was* a good idea.


RavenclawLunatic

Obligatory mention of the (probably an urban legend) guy who wanted to poison I think George Washington. People thought tomatoes were poisonous but actually they were always on pewter plates so pewter ended up in the tomato. But this guy didn’t know that so he put a tomato in Washington’s soup in an attempt to kill him and ofc it failed So yes there has been an assassination attempt by tomato (I really hope it’s not an urban legend, it’s so fucking funny)


Polenball

To my immense displeasure, it's an [urban legend](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/red-death/). People *were* very weird about tomatoes back then, though. Oddly enough, tomatoes are a type of fucking nightshade and any green part - including unripe tomato fruit - is actually mildly toxic. Not normally enough to harm people and the taste would dissuade you anyway, but it can kill dogs.


tapmcshoe

To be fair, a lot of things we eat can kill dogs. Chocolate being the primary one. Doesn't stop them from trying to eat it, though.


The_Dandiest_Guy

And to be fair to dogs, we also love poison. Alcohol, caffeine, capsaicin, any plant that could messes with our brain. That doesn't even include all the poison adjacent stuff like kidney beans and all the good mushrooms that look nearly identical to poisonous ones


KikoValdez

well it's not called the central wisdom agency, is it?


Autizmo-tron

Exactly. You can have a group of geniuses together, but if they don't have an ounce of wisdom, they're all dumbasses.


DemonFromtheNorthSea

Plans like that have always been insane. During ww2 there were plans to put estrogen is hitlers food, with the hope that by becoming more feminine the public would stop supporting him. That's what I remember reading anyway. I haven't double checked it Edit: It was the British OSS, and it was supposed to make him less aggressive.


A_Wild_Bellossom

Thank god we aren’t in the timeline where femboy Hitler was a thing


bukithd

The CIA did horrible stuff in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 00s, and 10s, but they surely aren't doing that today right? Right?


BuckRusty

I’ve completed Hitman III assassinations less convoluted and insane than these - and that’s a game that includes taking out a target by pushing them down a hole while wearing a flamingo outfit.


Ill-Organization-719

The CIA is the most successful and widespread drug dealing terrorist organization in history.


bageltoastee

It’s a lesser known fact that Castro would make secret trips to Langley so that he could yell “meep meep” outside of the CIA headquarters


Kaarpiv007

Also they interrogated/killed with 18 different cancers the dude who killed the dude who killed jfk.


dont_worryaboutit139

The Behind the Bastards podcast did a great run of episodes on the CIA during the MKUltra program, a lot of the Castro assassination were taken on by whacked out acid heads


DirectlyDismal

Fuck the CIA, but I like the shotgun approach to fucking someone up. If you're going to assassinate someone and you have America's insane military spending at your disposal, go all in, you know? How many opportunities do you get to make an explosive seashell?


GreatBaldung

woo a 3-letter agency being ineffective - must be a day ending in -y


DasGanon

[I mean this is the same time as Acoustic Kitty or so, so it checks out](https://youtu.be/gcRJr9xQSAE)


htomserveaux

Some of these have to be fake, I refuse to believe anyone is this cartoonish. The KGB would totally make up stories like this just to make the US look nuts.


TiriononTuna

Soviet agents in Mexico planned to kill Trotsky by delivering a cactus packed with explosives to his house. Spies in general seem to receive their inspiration from cartoons.


Polenball

"I didn't order a cactus." "Curses, foiled again!"


likwidchrist

Eventually they got him with a pick axe to the head. But it didn't kill him immediately and gave him the opportunity to take his assassin down with him. Trotsky was a hard motherfucker


SpacecraftX

From the Trout Memo actually. A list of 54 weird subterfuge ideas written by Ian Flemming for the British Intelligence services during WWII.


SylveonSof

While I'm sure they would, I'm also 110% sure that the KGB was getting up to similar shenanigans. Turns out when you're given practically a blank check by the government, you're gonna cash that fucker in on anything that comes to mind.


BratyaKaramazovy

CIA tried mind control through drugs, KGB was trying to create mind control by training psychics. It's not just the blank check, Cold War paranoia led to both agencies vastly overestimating their adversaries' progress in these fields and rushing to catch up.


Northerleyfire

Some of the stuff thought up back when the US and USSR were shovelling money at anything even tangentially related to weapons R&D is hilarious. My personal favourite is Project Orion.


SylveonSof

It takes a lot of cocaine and cold war lunacy to look at space flight and decide to try and find a way to make strapping yourself to a rocket even more insane and dangerous. It takes even more insanity to then decide that your method is gonna be ***Detonate Nuclear Weapons Until We Leave The Atmosphere***. God bless humanity and caffeine.


KaennBlack

The CIA also was huge in psychics. That’s were we got the men who stare at goats (don’t read the book, the book is kind of a shit source after the first five or so chapters, just look for the og documents)


KaennBlack

It did. CIA records show all of it. Most of it is “the family jewels”, and the church commission, a US senate investigation into the alleged assasinations. Most of the funny ones happened during operation mongoose, including an exploding cigar, the scuba ones, and hiring the mafia (for a second time) to just plug him.


InfamousBrad

That's because the super-science division of the CIA spent the whole damned 50s and 60s strung out on acid. It's a story that would be as hilarious as a Road Runner cartoon if the results hadn't been tragic for so many people. (There's a whole literature based on declassified MK-ULTRA files and interviews with the survivors. Start with Martin Lee's *Acid Dreams.*) That I knew this history when the microdosing fad came around again, this time among Silicon Valley investors, executives, and engineers, is why nothing Silicon Valley has done lately surprises me.


cobaltsniper50

It’s way worse than it sounds. We tried to kill him SIX HUNDRED AND THIRTY-EIGHT TIMES.


sparkadus

Dick Dastardly seems to be doing well in CIA


andywarhaul

It’s not well known but turns out almost since the origins of CIA activity in Cuba, that every single CIA agent in Cuba was a double agent for the Cubans. They had filmed and recorded almost every CIA action in the country. They had advanced knowledge of every drop, every meeting. They actually made a docuseries about it and aired it on Cuban television. https://m.imdb.com/title/tt11387188/ On top of that they had agents inside American intelligence as well who went undetected for years and it would only be after a little bit of luck that someone would be found out. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ana_Montes The CIAs efforts against and inside Cuba are some of the most pathetic attempts at espionage ever documented. From the bay of pigs to allowing Ana Montes to successfully execute a very effective counter intelligence campaign to sway public opinion on Brothers to the Rescue disaster, to countless failed assassination attempts on Castro, it was just a shit show all around. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brothers_to_the_Rescue


cirelia

They also tried to poison his milkshake


RattlesnakeShakedown

I once did a bit on Castro on a podcast I used to do. Here's an excerpt: >“They” in this case refers to our malevolent friends at the CIA. Between 1959 and 2000, America’s Central Intelligence Agency enacted 638 plots to end the Cuban leader’s life. That’s more than one attempt a month for 38 years. That time spans the tenures of 9 US presidents, both Democrats and Republicans, at an average of nearly 80 assassination plots per President. I know I said I wasn’t going to talk politics but doesn’t that just go to show that both sides are the same and we need to smash the state? To be fair (and if you were listening carefully you might have figured this out because the maths didn’t add up), Gerald Ford, bless his heart, banned all political assassinations when he was President, so there were no attempts on Castro’s life during his term. You better believe they were straight back into it as soon as Jimmy Carter got into office. >Anyway, about these assassination attempts. Why were there so many plans to kill Castro? Well, he kept fucking surviving them, for one. You can’t just stop after the first go if the guy you’re trying to kill doesn’t die. The other reason, though, is that all these plans were so fucking goofy. >The CIA operates differently on foreign soil than it does inside US borders. Inside America they’ll blow the brains out of a sitting President’s head in full view of the public, no worries. But when you’re in another country you can’t be so brazen. You don’t want it looking like America is murdering foreign leaders who ideologically oppose them. I mean, it’s not like anyone would ever believe that anyway, but you can never be too careful. You have to be stealthy. >Fidel Castro had an infamous weakness for cigars. Cuban cigars, after all, are the best in the world. And when you’re El Presidente and control the means of production, you only want the best. “So let’s do something to his cigars,” the CIA thought. They laced a box of Cubans with poison and smuggled it into Castro’s supply. Somehow, though, none of the poisoned cigars actually made it into his hands. Close, but no cigar. >They also tried loading a cigar with enough explosives to take a man’s head off when lit. Again, it never actually made it to Castro. >Young Fidel’s favourite hobby was scuba diving. He loved to get out there in the ocean looking at fish and coral and shit. Surely that’s exploitable, right? The CIA contaminated a wetsuit and breathing apparatus with a fungus that causes a debilitating and deadly skin disease. It was supposed to be given to Castro as a gift by an American lawyer involved in hostage negotiations, but god damn it he had a change of heart at the last minute and never gave it to him. Alright, shit, we can still get him while he’s underwater. They got a bunch of big, colourful, interesting looking sea shells and packed them with explosives. That didn’t work either, Castro either never got close enough to them or they failed to go off. >You know what else Castro loved? Milkshakes. He would have a chocolate milkshake at the same time everyday, apparently. So they slipped some poison pills to a worker at the cafe in Havana where Castro liked to get his shake on. Do you think it worked? Of course not, idiot. The guy who worked in the cafe stored the pills in the freezer. They froze to the walls and when he tried to pull them off the pills broke open and spilled the poison everywhere. >Like any good Communist dictator, Castro had a long string of love affairs. It’s said he slept with 35,000 women throughout his life. Well the CIA tried to use a woman scorned. An old lover would surely be able to get close enough to do the deed. They say hell hath no fury, but she changed her mind at the last minute and couldn’t go through with it. When Castro found the stash of pills she was supposed to give to him, he handed her his .45 and said “You can’t kill me. Nobody can kill me.” To further cement his place in the Alpha Dog Hall of Fame he then threw her down on the bed and they made passionate love. >This motherfucker won’t die, so what if we just assassinate his character instead? They wanted to pump LSD vapor into the studio where Castro made his radio broadcasts. Didn’t work, they could never get the gas stable. They were going to dust his shoes with thallium salts to make his iconic beard fall out, but Castro never made the trip that the CIA had planned this for. Hallucinogenic drugs in his cigars? You should know by now that that’s not going to work. >Obviously we don’t have time for me to list every single attempt the CIA made to kill Fidel Castro, but let me assure you the list goes on. From enlisting the mafia to arming Cudan rebels. From false flag terrorist attacks to just straight up armed hitmen. For one reason or another they could never get him. And I do mean never; the last documented attempt on Castro’s life was in 2000, when the CIA planted 90kg of explosives under a podium he was supposed to give a speech behind. Castro’s security team found the explosives long before he ever came close to it.


AugustusClaximus

Did Castro ever turn into a paranoid freak who killed his top advisers randomly? If he didn’t that’s very impressive cuz he had every right to be paranoid


LegacyOfVandar

I would fucking kill for like, a comedy movie or a sitcom about the CIA’s many many failed attempts to humiliate and kill Castro.


jack-o-turtle

Every story about the cia make me believe they are just a really really rowdy and well funded frat house. Full of dudes that should have graduated years ago.


DaDanDangerous

“Our only recourse is to dress Jack Ruby as a sexy little Cuban seniorita with a headdress made of fruit and kiss him on the mouth in front of their camera crew. Castro’s heart will beat out of his chest. He will turn briefly into a wolf, howling at Ruby, and moments later as he’s walking away the dress comically falls down revealing it is Jack Ruby. With that dress falling down, so does the iron curtain, boys. We’ll all be sipping mojitos in Havana with the mob in no time.”


FrankHightower

in the face of this, Malfoy's attempts to kill Dumbledore don't seem so outlandish after all


Vartanes_KindOf

On the one hand the CIA is evil incarnate, with all the torture, murder, coups, death squads, pro-fascist anti-democratic shenanigans, black sites, arms trading, etc. On the other hand this and whatever the fuck was going on with MK Ultra (see the Behind the Bastards episodes on this)


AFatalDoseOfMarmite

Is there a specific CIA dept that deals with Cuba, and is manned by deranged people? Because everything I've ever heard about US "intelligence" in Cuba is beyond ridiculous. Anyone remember the sonic weapon supposedly being used on the US embassy? Yeah, that's impossible, you nuggets.


baithammer

Wasn't limited to Cuba ... there were other targets as well. At least this part of their job at the time, there is the whole CIA research group going all Mad Scientist, especially with LSD.. one Christmas there was a memo sent out that the punchbowl was off limits for experiments.


Torque-A

…why not just shoot him