By - Tsoral
That would unironically be a banger level. Lots of accidents, cool exits, crazy items, and oompa loompa disguises.
A tall, bald, muscular Oompa Loompa trapising around and nobody bats an eye
Not when he pulls perfect dance choreography and a wonderful baritone voice out of his ass
The game suddenly turns into DDR / Just Dance and your performance determines if you get caught or not
As all stealth games should
Random fact, thanks to the Hokkaido level in hitman 1 we know that 47 is horrible at those types of games
Its like yakuza
( X ) Blend in
The others all happy, and him just doing a death stare at wonka
Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo
I've got a candy bullet for you~
It's perfect. All of the oopma loompa songs are about murder and related euphemisms already!
Oompa loompa doopity doo.
I have come here to assasinate you
One well placed bottle of poison would doom the entire company, it’d be incredible
Drop it in the chocolate river and an Oompa Loompa calls in and says “Good work, 47. What do you get when you guzzle down sweets? Eating as much as an elephant eats? Oompa Loompa doopety Dee”
It will actually just keep killing oompa-loompas the whole time. The "non-target killed" pop-up every five seconds is the punishment for trying.
I hate to rain on your parade, but that probably wouldn't work since there's more then one chocolate river, and no indication that they're connected. Also, i'm pretty sure that one bottle of poison wouldn't nearly be enough, you would need at least an Olympic swimming pool's worth of cyanide for it to be noticeable in the final product.
>!roald dahl would be so proud of this!<
Almond flavoured chocolate river would be lit though.
Ah finally a kilo of polonium should suffice
Oompa Loompa doopety Dont
Been a while since I’ve seen the movie but my best guess would be in an everlasting gobstopper. Since Wonka must sample them, they’re currently in development.
He could masquerade as an Oompa Loompa, put a couple drops of cyanide in the gobstopper and say it’s like lemon tears from a lemon vine and nobody would be any the wiser.
Then 47 gets out of his disguise, starts chewing a not poisoned one and tells Wonka his gobstopper tastes bad. Wonka says that’s impossible, give me one. Boom, he’s down.
Plus the ability to kill children, which should have been added to the game a long time ago.
Least deranged Fallout fan.
God I wish fallout were real, I'd get my skull caved in by a lesbian with a hydraulic fist that's part of a techno-cult but it would be fun up until then
Id say thats when the fun starts ??
Also you can probably do that in real life too actually, with some charisma and effort 😏
Where am I gonna find a lesbian with a hydraulic fist that's part of a techno-cult?
Idk how to tell you this but hydrologic fists are far more common than you think. And my guess would be a nonzero portion of them are owned by lesbians.
You're SOL on the techno cult tho.
Goddamnit, I knew having a stupidly specific fetish would backfire on me!
Just found the tech cult lol
like, new york or elizabeth?
This guy (gender neutral) gets it.
Well shit I better start driving then
1. Not lesbian
2. I didn't ask for an insane peron
What part of power-fist-wearing-techno-cultist screams sane to you?
That's not sane? Well shit, guess that's why I get weird looks when I walk down the street wearing a Brahman skull on my head and carrying a sledgehammer with a small rocket strapped to it
Most deranged Fallout fan
thank you for your peak comedic timing
Nah second least deranged fallout fan
Install a bad dragon and a fleshlight in my power armor so I can get off on the violence real-time
Average 40k fan
Thank you for being funnier than me
Sexiest fallout fan
Wait, so in this scenario you're an NPC attacking the Courier? Why?
I have a crippling addiction to phsyco
Objection, getting my skull caved in by a lesbian with a hydraulic fist is my life’s goal.
crushed like sparrows egg between thigh?
i think that scene caused an imprinting on an entire generation of people
Meet a lesbian that could crush you sounds like a highlight of that kind of setting ~~I'm too gay~~
I think my highlight would be getting covered in pitch, set on fire, and tossed into the grand canyon, only to live and become a local legend among the tribes people, but that's just me.
Oh fuck yeah that sounds like an ideal life
I was denied the ability to suplex kids in skyrim. Ya gotta gimme *something.*
The oompa loompas would have to have a lot of songs to cover all the "accidents". I assume the kids would ultimately survive, tho
Fallout had child murder in 1 and 2. Always fun when they pickpocket explosives from you in 2 then you end up with a town hating you
Thank you Toe\_Sucker\_416 for your insight
game? i thought this was about bames jond
Agent 47, not 007
i dont know what this means
Agent 47 is the main character (and playable character) in the Hitman games
ok thank you
I want this to be a movie…. Is Charlie in the chocolate factory public domain
Edit: we will have to wait until 2059 for it to be public domain
You could easily do the set up and just make it a parody.
Chunky and William Wonky chocolate factory
That's assuming that Disney doesn't lobby for even more extensions to copyright
Mickey and the chocolate factory
What game tho
this entire thing is about a specific game called Hitman.
The kicker? Slugworth Industries does not exist. Wonka hired you for this job.
When you finally reach Wonka in his office, he calmly greets 47 and congratulates him on a job well done before sitting back down at his desk with his back to 47. ("I think it'd be better for your reputation if it looked like you caught me off-guard, don't you?")
Earlier you thought you succesfully sniped him as he was coming down some stairs, but after going head over heels down the steps he just sprung back up.
"You fool! I replaced all my bones with rubber!"
Lol the emperor in Skyrim be like
Aaaahhh, I was expecting you 47. You’ve passed my tasks well, murdering all those versions of me in different ways, but now I give you your real task.
***He sits down on his chair and swivels around.***
I was getting bored of the chocolate industry, y’know? I decided the best way to escape was to die. I’m a old man y’know? I look 23 but in reality I’m 78, the reason why I look so young and act so young is because of my special young boy chocolate only I know about. But my body cant live forever, and if I just suddenly died, that wouldn’t be a bang. I wanna go out with a bang.
***Suddenly Willie Wonka turns around.***
Kill me in your most brutal way imaginable, I think it would look better for your reputation if it looked like you caught me off guard, don’t you?
***47 raises his pistol, aiming for Willie’s brain, and takes the shot, suddenly, Wonka’s head blasts into smithereens, revealing he planted a bomb in his head. A note is attached reading “I know you would kill me this way, so I added this safety procedure to make sure you really did end me with a bang.”***
john oliver from cruelty squad
Just imagining RTGame playing through this hypothetical level is hilarious.
"47, no! You've gone too far!" He says as he throws everyone on the map into the chocolate river.
no one can notice if there is no one to notice
Instead of a wine press its for grape juice.
There's still a freezer though, but its filled with oompa loompa bodies.
I think for him it’s a little more like “farming”
"Good work, 47, now head for the-"
"Oompa Loompa Doom Pa Dee Doo"
"I have a bus-i-ness lesson for you"
"What is going on? How do Wonka's *slaves* kno-"
"Oompa Loompa Doom Pa Dee Dact
Monopolize chocolate, you will get whacked
"What do you get when a whole industry
Is run by one man, a market not-at-all-free?
What do you think competition will do
When they have grown quite sick of you?
"No one will find your body
"Oompa Loompa Doom Pa Dee Da
If you're not greedy, you will go far
You will be allowed to live, too,
Just like the Oompa Loompa Doom Pa Dee Doo
*Doom Pa Dee Doo*"
*Achievement Unlocked: So Much for **Silent** Assassin*
I'd kill for the next hitman game to be a bunch of goofy levels like this. Not Willy Wonka, Not Alice in Wonderland, etc.
>I'd kill for the next hitman game to be a bunch of goofy levels like this
luckily, as a hitman player, you will already be prepared to kill for our right to toss oompa loompas into the chocolate river
It could make for a great DLC. Maybe set it while 47 was in a coma at the end of Blood Money.
Alice in Wonderland is public domain, so could be used word for word in a Hitman game. If I'm playing at that idea, I'd base the levels around other public domain characters like Frankenstein, Sherlock Holmes, and Dracula. I think that would be fun
>next hitman game
I think you might be waiting a while, sadly.
I mean 3-4 years seems to be standard
Pretty sure one of the newer ones had a level where you kill santa at some kind of holiday gathering. It may have just been a timed event level.
Yep, Hitman 1. The targets on that level at the Wet Bandits from Home Alone.
Or at least some non-canon DLC that doesn't take itself too seriously. I'd absolutely pay for that!
I can't possibly explain how much I want Hitman to make weird and surreal levels
47. This next mission is an extended operation in the Johto region, likely to span several months. Your target is the elusive Pokemon Trainer Red. As you might know, his Pikachu is unusually powerful, and he has been sabotaging our client's covert operations for years. Our intel suggests that he has secluded himself on top of one Mt. Silver, waiting for a challenger that can defeat him. The way is guarded by a variety of powerful trainers, and you will have to neutralize all of them to get to the target. However, you won't be able to use your traditional methods for this mission, as firearms and most other weapons are illegal in Johto without a proper license. Instead, the ICA has provided you with one standard Sobble, genetically engineered to be of superior power and to grow at an accelerated speed. It may be weak now, but with proper training from the world's greatest assassin, it will grow into a formidable force. Further team members are to be procured locally to fall in line with your cover story as an immigrant from Galar. Also included in your mission materials are a Pokedex to record caught Pokemon, an Experience Share, and 100 custom order Master Balls made to resemble a variety of other Poke Balls. It's time to be the very best, 47, like no one ever was.
47. Your next target is Alfredo Linguini, the fastest rising chef in Paris. He started off as a lowly janitor at Gusteau's, but has shot up in popularity and rank at a meteoric rate, now working as head chef. However, rumor has it that he actually cannot cook. Our client, the former head chef of Gusteau's, tells us that Linguini served an amazing soup to a food critic on his first day as a janitor, seemingly with no credentials. Something here is fishy. Your mission is to find Linguini's secret and to either secure it or get rid of it. Only then, must you kill Linguini and bringing balance back to the Parisian culinary world. Anyone can cook, but now it's your job to find out if just anyone should.
But just imagine, poisoning soup or causing a stove accident or a blade accident. Or drowning sla target in the Seine. Or killing fucking Remy with rat poison.
Hello, 47. Your latest target has possession of an item of jewellery that our client would like you to retrieve. Our intel suggests they are never parted from it, so you will have to eliminate them to retrieve it. Although Frodo Baggins is physically unprepossessing, he does generally go armed and has at least one bodyguard, so be cautious. He is about to undertake a journey; perhaps you can arrange for a mishap along the way?
Good luck, 47.
Hello, 47. Are you ready for a slice of pizza? Because your next target is William Afton, co-founder of the company Freddy’s, rumor has it he has partaken in killings of his own, murdering 5 children in the most recent establishment, Jr’s. As to not look suspicious, you will be registering as both a Day guard and a Night guard. You will have to survive and look for clues and uncover the mystery during the night, before conducting the hit during the day. Be warned though, those robots are uncanny, and they seem too lifelike for me to say your safe during the night watch. Are you ready to join them for a bite?
Hello, 47. We've been contracted to carry out two assassinations, simultaneously. The first target is Godwyn the Golden. He will be hard to kill but our client assures us she'll be able to provide the necessary weaponry. The second target, Ranni the Witch, is also our client. Timing is critical. Ranni insists both she and her stepbrother be killed at the same moment in very specific ways.
47. Alcatraz has been barren for a long time, but now it ahs been taken over by a former client of the organization. We have been contracted by the Agency to take down General Francis X. Hummel, who has several hostages, a small arsenal, and several chemical weapons in a curious pearl configuration armed and targeting the greater bay area.
47. Your newest target bears two names, but is only one man. Bruce Wayne, the billionaire philanthropist and favorite man of Gotham City. And, the Batman, the weapons and combat specialist who protects it. In addition, you must acquire a set of plans known as the Agamemno Contingency, a detailed list of ways to defeat all members of the Justice League. You will be joining a team of local villains on a raid of his base, impersonating the villain Deadshot. Once inside, you will have to covertly split from the main villains and complete your mission. The Batman himself is perceptive on an almost superhuman level, and has outfitted his lair with the latest in technologies. Be sure to take them into account, and do not interfere with the villains, as they will pursue you if required. It's time for the Caped Crusader to meet death one last time. Good luck 47.
47’s target wasn’t Linguine, it was Gusteau.
What, you thought he died from sadness after being criticized once?
Greetings, 47. Your next targets are all related to the Mushroom Kingdom royal family. The first target is Princess Peach, the family's current head. She is, however, not the main challenge of this operation. Your main challenge comes in the form of the Mario brothers, her personal guard detail. Today is the one day in which they will be separated from her, and security has been increased to compensate. The most prominent brother publicly is Mario, codenamed "Jumpman". He is scheduled for a variety of public appearances throughout the day. You will have to find an opening, as well as ensure there are no suspicions related to his sudden disappearance. The other brother, Luigi, is far less famous but known for being far more vigilant, and you will have to take that into account in your plans. If either suspects foul play, they will rush to protect Princess Peach, and terminating either of them when they are fully powered up will be a challenge. Once you have eliminated both Mario brothers, you will have a clear opening to Princess Peach. Your cover is that you are here to educate the Toad soldiers regarding guard techniques. Be careful to not miss your appointment.
Yohhh if this was the BASIC PREMISE for a Pokemon game, I'd freaking play the hell out of it.
there’s a few escalations that are like that, like the halloween one where you knock a guy out in his dream and knock out all his guards dressed as a pumpkin and the christmas one where you kill the home alone robbers
Isn't there a Christmas level where you kill Santa?
santa appears in the christmas level where you kill the home alone guys, he teleports around and is really annoying to track down but if you get him you can take his disguise
“No, Augustus Gloop, don’t go into the chocolate factory!”
"Oh mein Gott, zhis factory ist full of schokoladestreämen!"
Oh mein Gott zis River is full of Chocolaten!
I could hear this! Spot on!
*Image Transcription: Tumblr*
agent 47 disguising himself as a fat little german boy with a lollipop wearing a propeller beanie
47, your target is William Wonka
47\. This next mission is a bit unorthodox. Your target is William Wonka, age unknown. Wonka is a widely known candy manufacturer, and just so happens to control 83% of the global chocolate trade, which as you may have guessed, is undesirable for our client. Intel on the target is relatively slim, however... Wonka has been secluded in his factory for decades—nobody ever goes in, nobody ever comes out. However, two weeks ago, he has placed five golden tickets inside randomly selected candy bars which will grant the holder access to a free tour of the mysterious factory... and access to Wonka himself. I hope you have a sweet tooth, 47, because you’ve got a golden ticket.
^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber and you could be too! [If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TranscribersOfReddit/wiki/index)
All the Oompa Loompas are trained as highly skilled armed guards and all their weapons are candy themed.
First read, brain decided it was "Wonka is a widely known candy manufacturer, ..., which as you may have guessed, is undesirable for our client, Intel"
So yknow, there was an abrupt moment of "Wait wut"
Makes perfect sense. Chips and chocolate are rivals in the snack game.
I wish Jane Perry, the voice actress of Diana Burnwood, would take comissions. To hear her voice this would be amazing.
She does! You can book her on cameo
Lmao I love this it would be such a great idea
They would absolutely make a secret exit out of the tube Augustus gets stuck in.
but you still gotta be in the fat german boy disguise, cant have just anyone goin through
I love that, similar to the flamingo exit in that race level.
Every time I read 47 I then read the rest in Diana's voice.
Payday 2 idea
Alright gang, you may find this heist a little bizarre, but we're being paid good money for this. Your job is to infiltrate the chocolate factory of world famous William "Willy" Wonka, and steal the formula of the new candies being produced. Yeah, I know, crazy. By the way, we're getting extra if you manage to sabotage production, so keep that in mind. Also, no going in guns blazing. This is a quiet job, with a lot of innocents in there. Good luck gang.
**Stealth is required**
Thanks, Bane 👍
Just a reminder gang, I'm not the Batman villain Bane, my name's Bain.
For frick's sake. I typed two words and screwed one of them up.
I think it works better in Locke’s voice
*However, there will be a substantial bonus to anyone who can bring out an Oompa Loompa alive.*
*No violence though. See if you can bribe the old man.*
You disguise yourself as granpa Joe and wait for Charlie to get you in.
And that explains how Grandpa Joe is suddenly able to get out of bed and move, despite having apparently been bedridden for years. You're a genius!
There’s a Christmas special mission in the 2016 game where you kill Harry and Marv from Home Alone, so this could theoretically happen in a future game…
Possibly as dlc but not as a new game. Pretty sure they are done with the series as of the last three ones.
In a previous mission you kill Grandpa Joe.
Get to it modders
For some reason I confused agent 47 with agent 86 from “Get Smart” and was wondering how chaos was gonna use Willy Wonka to be evil
I did the same, and I think Agent 86 would be more fun.
"Thank you Agent 13. Let's see. A Wonka Bar? 99 loves these, I'd better save it for her when I get back home."
\*banging noise from inside vending machine\*
"Oh, right, the message. Willy Wonka . . . KOAS . . . Assassination. Well if KAOS wants Wonka dead I'll have to make sure nothing goes wrong for him today."
Damnit, another 35 years until Charlie and the Chocolate Factory enters the public domain. I suppose they could pay for the crossover but that’s way less fun
That captures Diana so perfectly.
This makes me want a Hitman game where the targets are all famous characters from kids' books.
Agent 47, your new target is Severus Snape.
^(disclaimer: i do not support jkr or her views and she can personally go rowling off a cliff)
Omg. I don't even play any of the hitman games and even I want this kind of level. Seriously I hope the developers do something like this. Would be hilarious/fun to see.
Would the oompa loompa's have shotguns ready to kill a 10 year old for traspassing 2 inches?
i thought this was going to be a weed cave post lol
[Literally Mortadelo. ](https://youtu.be/1LsVWfLrx6M)
I can't really watch Willy Wonka anymore, knowing how much slave labor it takes to make chocolate.
I mean, how many undocumented workers does he have running his factory? How much does he pay them? Does he pay them?
He pays em in beeeeaaaaans
Things I'd use a genie wish to make real.
We need more meme levels and this one sounds great, I also suggest a harry potter hogwarts one and a starwars deathstar one, though licensing would be a nightmare
I don't see what relevance this has
He plays hitman a lot
For the second time in 2 days
or instead r/curatedtumblr
What does this even mean?