T O P
Skylarias

When I was younger, I had some depression issues... but I loved spending time on my computer. Playing games, reading, watching TV. Etc. I told myself that as long as I had 1 reason to live, I wouldn't try suicide. My 1 reason ended up being my want/addiction to consuming entertainment. Even if life was shit, at least I still got joy from certain TV shows or books. And that was enough for me Are there any activities or hobbies you have? Even if they're considered passive, or lazy? I'm not gonna give the BS line of "it gets better". But if you end your life now, it will NEVER get better. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It can be fixed. It's not hopeless. If you go to therapy, or get on medication, it may help. (Analogy here) Not everyone can pull themselves out of a ditch. Sometimes the ditch is deep and you need help getting out of it.


Large-Fishstick

Since the school year is starting back up in a couple of weeks, I really won’t have time for hobbies and fun activities. Like I said in my post I’m not depressed. I remember what that felt like and comparatively I feel a lot better. It’s not my lack of reasons to live that’s lead me here at all. I have a lot of reasons to live it’s just, I’m tired. This age (14) I wanted to give myself a proper childhood to look back on. I wanted to be carefree as a kid should. I was doing it for awhile and I was really proud of myself for it but it never lasts. Even when I was deep in my depression back when I was a kid, I really couldn’t find any good reasons to live which lead me down this thought pattern of “well maybe I shouldn’t kill myself, after all, I’m healthy, average looks, fit. I’m sure since I don’t have any use for this body someone else might find use in it.” It’s obvious why this is dangerously for a 12yr old to be thinking. For awhile that was my one reason to live and when I think back on it I realize how messed up that is. I don’t think that distractions and hobbies will help me much atp because I’m too far gone. Some scary stuff happened this year and next year is bound to be the same. Like I said in my post, I’m not sad or depressed, I’m indifferent and if something bad happens this year I don’t think I’ll try to stop myself.


Skylarias

Depression isn't JUST being sad. Not having joy or pleasure in normal activities and hobbies is also depression. Anhedonia is a major symptom of depression. So is fatigue. You might not be sad, but I'd say you still have giant signs of depression.


Ravyle_

I feel really bad for you. I also think you're a smart kid. Don't kill yourself, obviously. Life isn't easy. Your feelings are valid. To be honest you're still a baby. 15 year old me was terrified too but the thing is, your mind will be vastly different in a few years and the life experience is worth it. Keep your head up high, you're ahead of your peers and there's good sides to you that you haven't noticed yet. Seriously, I'm impressed by how well spoken you are, and there's probably a lot more to you. You're resilient. I don't know what you'll do in life but if I was to tell my 15 year old self anything, hold onto what makes you human. Hold onto what you hold dear. For me that was my emotions, my sense of self. My past chipped away a lot of things I envy my past self for. But if you hold on, you will grow that relationship with yourself even more. I believe in you.


Large-Fishstick

Thank you, and I really do understand where your coming from. I think part of my problem is that I don’t let myself feel for any of the bad things that’ve happened. For you, your emotions and sense of self are what kept you grounded and alive but I just can’t let myself do that. I can’t let myself hurt for the shitty things that I’ve faced because if I do things will get really bad again and I start to scare myself. I don’t want to fall back into that hole of depression and self harm. I don’t want to burden the people around me even if I’m justified. Everyone is struggling, so what makes my problems so important? I still try and seek help but waiting months and months to get a therapy appointment, being being blamed for the things that have happened to me by those closest to me? It’s all incredibly discouraging. Being indifferent is the only thing I can do right now. Even though im easily swayed to wanna hurt myself or drink or whatever, the same goes for laughing with friends, going out and living life. I didn’t have that when I was depressed. I like having days or even weeks of uninterrupted happiness even if the cost is letting intrusive thoughts win. I wish I could just be better but every time I am I’m dragged back down.


Ravyle_

Fuck dude, its crazy to know you're this mature. Or at least you seem so. It's a blessing and a curse. Whatever happened to you, robbed you of your childhood. I was going to start with what you said. What makes your problems so important is that you're important. Everyone thinks you're important. At least the circle of healthy friends and family you'll make in life. I won't truly understand what you're up against but I think you've got the cards to get through this. You don't have to overthink things. You'll process stuff in your accepted time. In fact, I suggest you keep doing what you're doing. I wouldn't say be indifferent to the point of numbness. Knowing what is what and keeping your cool is about the best skill you've got. Don't worry too much about being a burden, I'm happy you put yourself out there. And while you can't please everyone, those who stick around will be better for your health in the long run, so.. your doubters can stay in their little corner while you thrive without them


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