T O P
c_queerly

I saw someone that said breaking up is like losing a language you spoke. No one on earth spoke the language you two spoke together, the inside jokes, etc. It makes me so damn sad.


Rosiekat47

This is what kills me. We literally had our own way of communicating. I will never speak with another person like that. No one has ever understood me the way he did, and my inner child has never felt safe with anyone, not even my family, my whole life. I felt understood, and like I could truly be myself for the first time. I’ve felt safe to be me for the last three and a half years. I thought it would be forever after all the times he promised me forever and proposed nine months ago. Only to blindside me and tell me he couldn’t commit and we’re only meant to be a chapter. I can’t comprehend it.


WildIslandCrush

Same. 😓


rustytrust

Beautifully written.. so sorry you have to go through that. I feel the same way :<


riryryexx

Reminds me of this Taylor Swift lyrics that said “You taught me a secret language I can’t speak with anyone else”


c_queerly

Aw 🥺😩


rustytrust

So true :c


Dredd_Ohio

That saying just means that the excruciating pain that follows the break-up isn't meant to last. But yeah i felt the same thing, i wasn't that happy before the relationship but i also wasn't having panic attacks every evening. What is sure is that whatever insecurities or problems you had before, getting back with your ex or getting in another relationship won't resolve them, 100%. You have to target these issues at their core.


articlights

Do you think they feel the same?


nihilisticpaintwater

I'd like to think so, but in the end it doesn't really matter


[deleted]

Man I'm sorry. But you have to stop using external things (like your gf) to prop you up and validate you. You seem to lay all of your self improvement at her feet. And now that she has gone it feels like all of that is gone too. The reality of your self improvement was that it was YOU, not her. And you not realising that is setting you up to slide back into your lesser self. Maybe you grew with her...hang onto that growth man. It's yours not hers I struggle with external validations as well and it's a trap. I too thought I'd be with her forever and had tons of growth that needing doing, that never eventuated. Be thankful that you grew with her and don't let yourself slide back. The "you during them" is already the "you before......" insert the next great chapter in your life 👍👍👍


tslilzur

nodding my head* And let add to this smart guy, I understand that feeling, that feeling like before And how different a person you ware and meeting her was the best thing happened probably to you Im going through a break up too she was my best friend even before the relationship and we took a step forward and I never thought that would be her romantic individual But things happen in life for good and bad it was my best two years of my life I think I am already at the stage that I am excepting what happened and it was happened for a good Even though I pray and wish so much to her to be with her to spend the time with her again which will never happen probably and I’m starting to looking forward too imagined or dream about my next love how it will be and how it will be better than what I had because it’s never perfect it’s always can be better Please use that better version of yourself to find your next love or at least move out for now it’s hard and it’s feel like hell I know that… if you need someone to talk to I’m here ( I had no one to talk to)


Ijustwanttobeme17

This 🙌🏻 You can’t rely on another person for your happiness. You need to find a way to your own happiness yourself and people are just supposed to add on to that happiness. That doesn’t mean you can’t grieve but the idea is to build a better and stronger self.


Antique_Jello206

That is true. But they were the cherry on top that completed that best part of you. You can’t rely on someone else to make you happy. You’re right. But that person has a huge effect on how happy you are


Ijustwanttobeme17

I have a slightly different take on this. I loved my ex but he never completed me. I was/am still complete on my own. But yes, you’re right about a person making you happier (adding on to your existing happiness).


WildIslandCrush

All I can say is, easier said than done.


[deleted]

Absolutely. I hope you didn't get the impression I was suggesting it was easy. But to not tackle this habit will let it develop across your life and then the problems will be much greater than losing your gf.


rustytrust

> And I know you shouldn't put all your happiness on one person I know that you can't put all your happiness on one person as I said, and I don't rely on anyone for validation and never have, part of the social anxiety I think. I wasn't a *better* person when I was with her.. I was just able to be completely myself, and really I was just so happy with her, is all. Sorry if I didn't get my message across clearly, but I do understand


[deleted]

No worries. A lot is said by the words we choose. Finding happiness with someone is very different from thinking you found happiness because of someone. The latter is gong to leave you disordered and struggling. Just trying to make sure you see the difference and are healing in a healthy way 👍


lilaccadillac

I was coming here to say exactly this. The fact that you think the best you is ONLY with her shows that you were in the wrong mindset when in the relationship. That’s co-dependency. It’s not her job to make you the best you. It’s your job. If that relationship is the best you’ve felt, make your goal to feel that way on your own. If you think deeply enough, a lot of what made you happy is how she made you feel about yourself, whether it was smart, or handsome, or funny. Now it’s your time to discover how you can make yourself feel this way. You’ll unlock a new level of happiness and peace you’ve never known, and that’s something to look forward to!


[deleted]

You said it more clearly than I could. 👍👍 I see his challenge bc I still live it. The quiet insidious darkness of my CSA makes that self belief a constant battle.


lilaccadillac

Oh no what you wrote was perfect! I only responded to back what you were saying! My first boyfriend was severely abusive so my self worth was nil when I finally met a man who actually treated me well. When he broke up with me, I had to call the suicide hotline because I felt worthless and that life would NEVER be as good ever again. Well… I’m currently living my happiest life. I got years of therapy to understand myself and my response to the abuse, to trust myself, to love myself. I’m on a lot of pills, my ~cocktail~, if you will, but now I can be a me that I’m so proud of. I’ve been where y’all are, and oh fuck I won’t lie that it’s the WORST. The only thing I can say is, somehow, it gets better. I know it’s unbelievable, I couldn’t believe it either, but I didn’t give up. And the best step forward I EVER took was learning to love and value myself. EDIT: The reason I’m in this sub is because 5 years ago I made a post about how I was so scared I’d never find love like that again. How I felt my future would be empty. Now that I can look back, I try to give as much hope and support to everyone who’s going through it right now. We hurt so hard because we are human and we are allowing ourselves to experience the depth of what makes us so spectacular: emotions, feelings, empathy. That’s rad af, even if it’s “negative” emotions, how cool is it that we can feel this deeply at all????


[deleted]

Agreed on all points. I am literally here for the feel goods of being able to use my experience to contribute to others successfully negotiating these challenges. It helps me keep a healthy perspective on my own challenges as well. Learning to love myself in a more permanent resilient fashion, rather than incorporating things into my life that make me feel lovable (success:, partner, friends, right address, cool car etc) is really really hard. I had been using achievement to soothe my low self esteem rather than restoring my self esteem and letting achievement happen as a consequence. I had built a house of cards that looked like it had all of the right facets of a healthy psyche, and there was happiness there too. Problem is when life comes along and tilts the table, not only do the external achievements that defined me as whole go away but so does ALL of your artificial self worth and my life cratered. I've been trying for 3 years to build that self esteem and self belief (bc now I don't believe that I can do it) and so far things have continued to erode. It's really fuxking disturbing. I am thrilled to hear you were able to do it. Perhaps being younger when you attacked it, or not having a child sexual abuse past (I am assuming, no obligation to disclose). Idk. But every setback for me, the most recent and devastating is her departure, reinforces every negative feeling about my value. Really discouraging Sorry for the trauma dump


lilaccadillac

I’m always available for a trauma dump, seriously, speaking about it is part of the process. I also think you’re farther along than you think simply because you know how you WANT to feel and you’re aware of your circumstance. Many people don’t even try to face it. My abuse/rape was at 16, so yeah, I was “lucky” (hilarious to say that) that I had a bit more of a developed brain. I understand that child abuse is an even deeper trauma and it’s absolutely vile and I’m so sorry to hear it, but if anyone were to overcome it, I’d bet on people like you. Keep chugging along. I know good isn’t the best word to use here, but the good thing about breakups is that time heals those wounds. Then you can get back to building a better you from your trauma. I don’t believe we can heal trauma, mine will stay with me forever, but I do believe we can build a strong and powerful person despite it all. I believe in you. Just keep trying and be proud of even the littlest things.


[deleted]

That is the kindest thing I've heard in quite some time. Thank you


lilaccadillac

Well I hope you hear more kind things as days go on, you deserve kindness. Good luck 🤍


MellaBella101

Damn, that really got me 😩


TooLate90

Yeah, it's a well meaning saying... but in reality it's pretty meaningless. It's virtually impossible to just switch off and forget that interwoven history shared with that special person.


Antique_Jello206

How he can turn the switch off and on the way he does blows me away


really9985

you said everything i’m feeling. same situation. same me before them. i found myself when i was with my ex. he helped me find myself, which is okay! when you find someone willing to help and uplifts you and promises you a forever and your happy, you just don’t say no. i don’t know how to keep the me with them….


TheOneWithout_XP

Ive been in this situation. The you that you think wasn't existent before and the "you during them are" are the most important part in this situation. The you that you thought had nothing, was worth nothing and could be nothing is now anything but. The you during them showed you that life can be wonderful and fulfilling. The "you during them" showed the "you before them" that there is more to the world. The you during them, the best part of you that it brought out is the important part. The complete self you were able to express and the acceptance you were able to give and receive is the growth and experience the "you before them" needed Its painful losing the one you love. The one you thought was your soulmate. The one you'd love unconditionally and the one that would do the same for you. The one you imagined life with, the only one you wanted to give your all to. It fucking sucks, you lose so much, somethings you didnt even know you had/needed. But in the end, no matter the circumstances, I would do it again in a heart beat. The growth that the relationship gave you is invaluable. The growth that the loss gave you is invaluable. In the grand scheme of things everything happened for a reason. Although you feel hopeless at the moment, how you persevere and over come the heart ache define the you after them. The relationship is gone. There is no going back to it. The past is the past and there's nothing left to do but accept that fact. The you after them should be all the good that the you during them brought out. The you after them is what you wish the you before them had. What you wish you knew was capable. It will take time to heal. The next relationship you have will be better because of it. The you after them is now the you before them. With more experiences and emotion and purpose and hope. The you after them is everything the you before them wanted.


[deleted]

thats looking at the past with rose tinted glasses you can still be that person you were in the relationship everything is a choice sure you will feel like absoulte shit for a while and its easier said than done but it all comes down to training your brain to be that person. Being alone sucks people also never talk about the parts of what being alone can really hurt especially when you feel the pain of not having anyone to talk to that you connect with. I think that journey is within yourself but you can still be that person without that person. I realised I can still be that happy person i was in a relationship its just learning to be alone is the hard reality for me atm so its a journey of your own.


rustytrust

Yea I understand that, and I don't mean I can't be anything without her, she just made me really happy is all, yknow?


Epiphan3

Well, this sounds very toxic. You will always be miserable if you depend this much on someone else to bring out the best in you. I know it’s not easy, I’ve been there. But the best thing you can ever do to yourself is to try to find yourself alone, and fall in love with yourself. It’s a slow process that basically never ends, but it’s so much better than doing whatever you are doing right now.


[deleted]

This


Upper-Rock

إنت


Hailey000

I feel this so much omg


trob6345

I feel the same way my brother but I think that the fact that we aren’t together anymore means that the version of you in the relationship was at least partially fabricated by want you want more than what you had. You can attain that person that you described in your middle paragraph , but you did not find that person in her yet


forgottenunspoken

This is what has happened to me. It is awful.


Stilllostintheshadow

Enjoyed this thread. Thank you every conyributor. It has helped me.


cubs4life2k16

The me that was before them is dead, and the one during them was mutilated, and the one after them hasn’t felt true happiness


dr1zzl3bb

agh, the waterworks


fuck_my_Life_today

But if they were a great person who you loved unconditionally ( which all relationships have conditions) then why would there be a break up ?


Free-Wait-291

The you during them is not something created by them. Those capabilities are an inner you that will grow over the time with another person. Bc the you during them, is your intimate you in relationships, and the "you" will always appear since is part of your personality


WildIslandCrush

I’m in the same boat. I left an abusive marriage and fled the state I was living in to protect me and my children and get support from friends and family. I had depression, PTSD and I was convinced I’d never “find” someone because of all my baggage, including my ex husband who was still harassing me daily by phone or driving to my state. I met my (now) ex, he did research on single mothers and abuse victims (which I didn’t know for almost a year) and helped me heal. He made me feel worthy of happiness and then actually experience it. He was the first person who never commented negatively or tried to change my physical appearance. He made me believe, finally, after 2 years, that I was not just kind, funny, cool and fun, but beautiful and sexy. No one had ever ever said that to me unless they barely knew me and just wanted sex, so I had always taken it with a grain of salt. I had, over the next few years, knew that he helped my confidence in all aspects of my life but I thought that I actually believed it. That what he said was true. It felt as if I knew these facts I just didn’t realize them. And part of me still has a little confidence, but the support he provided mentally regarding my past relationship and my weight/appearance, is something that I realize I relied on him a lot for and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that again. Ive also never had such encouragement for my professional life. He helped me look for better jobs, update my resume and encouraged me to go back to school (which I did!). He also put the idea in my mind that I should write a book about my life, which has been extremely slow going, but being inspired and believed in is something I’ve never experienced before. I’ve had plenty of guys in my life, several serious relationships, but none who lifted me up so much and for so long. And I’m much older now. It’s so depressing and I feel like this was my opportunity that I deserved (that everyone does!) And that I was lucky to have found such a thoughtful, kind and caring person. Who chose to leave. He loves me but does not see a future with me, so has decided it’s time to move on. To live his life without me. But I don’t know if I can live my life without him.


Antique_Jello206

This. This right fucking here. This is where I am right now. This is EXACTLY me. I was the best me with him. I feel like I could written this myself. Thank you for this


Academic-Walk4745

I took a nap and I had a random dream about him. it’s the first time I’ve ever dreamed about him that I can remember anyway. It felt like a nightmare lmao I called him and he was so un bothered. He just didn’t care at all that he hurt me. He kept brushing me off and gaslighting me. He ruined my nap.


UndoubtedlyHyen

I won’t even go anonymous for this because I don’t care to hide it. I’m 23 and was in a 4 year relationship that just ended due to infidelity in July. I took care of her in absolutely every way I could and got cheated on twice. Her reasoning was “she thought I cheated” then we split, practically ended us for the next guy. For a month I didn’t leave my house. I drank more alcohol and smoked more weed than I thought I’d ever do. I never thought about the cheating.. all I could do was think of the connection that I lost. My family and friends would always say “you need to come back from this” come back? I never left. I finally started coming back out today. But even then it’s annoying that most people expect you to just let go immediately. It shows the state of relationships in the world nowadays.


MemeStocksYolo69-420

There’s nothing left to do but work on ourselves and improve our lives. That’s what I feel would be best for me to move on