What’s the #1 lesson you learnt after your breakup?

Therapy and time before dating again. It's really helped my self-esteem, I learned what boundaries are and how to use them, and recognized warnings signs.


Therapy and time before dating again. It's really helped my self-esteem, I learned what boundaries are and how to use them, and recognized warnings signs.


Don't stay with someone because you see the potential in them but they aren't meeting you where you're at now. You have to be able to have a relationship with who they are right now, not who they could be, and be okay with that. People don't change unless they want to put in the work for themselves. You can't force someone to get help if they don't want the help or aren't ready to seek the help. That was a hard lesson to learn.


it’s so hard to let go of ‘what could’ve been’. even if they are completely unwilling to change or don’t see any faults in themself, it’s easy to hold onto hope of ‘maybe they’ll change’


Yep which keeps you in the relationship, hopeful that one day they will change. I'm a patient person and see the good in people so that makes me unfortunately a bit more susceptible to this. I know this is a harsh way of saying it but I've learned my lesson to date people, not projects. It's better for both parties to be okay with the person they are and if things come up during the relationship, to address them and if you can't deal with what that is, better to end it. There's obviously a grace period because people can't change overnight but more often than not these things are huge compatibility issues (like having different lifestyle choices for example) and they're coming up for a reason.


Don’t see any faults in themselves is HUGE red flag for me going forward!


But aren't relationships about being with each other through the ups and downs? Sometimes something or some changes come with time. For eg. If I'm not doing a job rn but I'm trying for one that can't be discounted. Or if I'm addicted to a substance and my partner has helped me recover and come out of it, then isn't that love? I don't mean to say that stay with someone while sacrificing your self-respect, but there's obviously a learning curve to relationships. If we don't believe in each other and help each other with their goals, then who will? It's important to know who the person you're dating truly is. If they're facing something rn, that's fine, even the best of us go through phases, but what's important is to be able to say that I know that X person is not this and help them get help. Of course, if someone is clear about not changing something which is a compatibility issue between both then you can decide to walk out. But if they're genuinely trying and are not successful, I think not giving up is love. Otherwise we all want finished, perfect projects. No one wants to work on one with someone and build a life together. Sort of what our parents did, married when they had nothing and built everything from scratch. Some of those relationships are toxic af, but some are just unbelievably healthy and romantic.


Relationships are about being there for the ups and downs but I think that's very different to being with someone who is unable to change. My ex really struggled with their mental health at the start of lockdowns etc and I don't at all regret staying and supporting them through that. But I do regret not seeing how his words and actions weren't lining up. He talked a lot about how he was trying to change, but actually very little change happened, and I practically gave him a parade any time he made an inch of progress in the time I'd made a mile of progress in my own life. That's not love, that's codependency unfortunately.


This. Ugh. This. I’m looking at my codependency. It keeps tripping me up.


Yes, your situation is different. You gave your ex a lot of time but he couldn't get out of the rut. After a point you had to think about your life and that's what you did. I fundamentally have a problem who walk away as soon as a problem arises. My ex came to know that I had formed a weed addiction over the year. I also have diagnosed adhd without meds, so i didn't know about this then but that too led to the addiction. She asked for a break as soon as she found out about this. Left me on my own to handle my addiction which I was trying to quit almost every month but was unsuccessful. She came back, I got sober for over two months. Again, I went out and smoked one day and she came to know about this as well. Left me again to never come back. I respect her decision as she did what was the best for her. But I wanted to change and i tried to change, it's just that addiction is not a straight line, you go up and down a little bit before you're out of it. For you, what you did was the best for you. For him, he might have tried but he might have not been able to help himself, let alone help the relationship.




Definitely. Actions speak louder than words. Silence is an answer too


I learn this lesson & then forget again. It’s sunk a lot of time.


couldn’t agree more!


i love this


Same here, it hurts so much because he's the first man I've ever truly loved. Sadly he wasn't self aware enough or ready to work with his demons/substance abuse. It's been 4 months and I'm trying to move on but still miss him so much. Still hope he will wake up one day and realise what we could have if he got help.


It solidified that Maya Angelou quote, “when someone shows you who they are for the first time, listen.”


Okay so turns out I *sliiiiiightly* butchered that quote lol, here’s the real one “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” But yea, point still stands, if they deliberately do sth to hurt you, ask no questions and leave. Sure, some things can be worked through, but you shouldn’t have to teach someone basic decency if they love you


I love Maya. People are their own worst critic, if you are paying attention they tell you in the beginning what to expect.




Trust your intuition next time.


this! 💯


Just because someone says cruel things to you or treats you poorly doesn’t mean they are right or you deserve that treatment.


So hard to get over it though. My ex told me many times that I’m “not worth it” and this has settled in my soul so hard.


It’s so hard to not internalize those things when it comes from someone you love. What I’ve come to understand is that the cruel things my ex said to/about me were really negative things/insecurities he had about himself.


My ex said the cruelest things to me, and I learned that behaviour and would give it right back to him. It was a toxic cycle. It helps to know that he was hurting inside and was just projecting that hurt on to me.




I'm proud of you for not saying mean things back. You're right that you would have regretted it. for me did it not only make things worse when I fell into that toxic behavior that he started, it tainted my soul to hurt someone I loved, while being hurt by him as well.


Don’t lose yourself in the relationship . It’s important to keep your own self identity and keep doing the things that make you happy, well and ignite your passion . I think it’s been tricky the last few years because of lock downs. You live so closely together it’s easy to become co-dependent .


This was a huge issues for me personally


This is one of the reasons why mine ended, i completely lost who i was, i had no idea how to fix the simplest of issues between us and poof it was over before we knew it, im still trying to understand where things went wrong in the timeline but i just cant, and all i can try to do is move on, unfortunately im still trying to but im slowly getting there


I have unresolved personal problems that I should’ve handled better


This! They say “the relationship ends how it starts” In the beginning I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship and I had so much unhealed trauma. A year later and that’s exactly why the relationship ended. We weren’t really ready for a relationship. I’m now working on myself before I even consider thinking about relationships


People aren't always what they seem, some people are actually terrible and know how to hide it well.


yes !!! and it leaves u full of fears bc u do not trust yourself anymore ...and will have negative impact on future relationships


I've had major trust issues then recently got cheated on through my whole relationship, over a year, so yeah it can have a negative impact alright.


The biggest and greatest lesson that my recent breakup could have ever taught me is that you absolutely need to have the difficult conversations early on in the relationship - before getting too invested and catching feelings for one another. You NEED to talk about your dealbreakers, your attachment styles and how to work through them, your previous relationships in terms of what it taught you and what you could do differently to better serve yourself and the other person, etc. COMMUNICATE your needs and know theirs. Please ask them what they’re looking for in a relationship. What they’re looking for in a partner and the future they envision with them. You yourself should know the answers to these before getting into a serious relationship too. It’s perfectly natural to want to take things slow in the beginning, but if they continually express hesitancy to commit, to progress/grow your companionship together, or avoid talking about a future that includes you in it - check out of the relationship early on. They only care about you to a certain extent, but nothing more - and it’s you who’s the one left hurting in the end. Also, don’t ignore red flags. I learned I have an avoidant attachment style and ignored a ton of yellow flags and a few red ones. I sacrificed a lot to please him, out of the goodness of my heart and love, or so I thought, but I think I was just too okay with giving more. Compromising more. Accommodating more. Only to be completely and utterly blindsided. I wish I detached myself from the relationship as soon as I saw the signs, but now I’m just picking up the pieces of my fragmented self-identity and worth. It sucks. Some people can care deeply about you and can regard you as their special someone, and yet you’re still not worth the effort to make the relationship work. I think there’s a lesson in there somewhere, but right now it’s lost to me.


So much of this mirrors my reflections on my prior relationship. You can only push off the hard conversations for so long… in my case, my partner would shut down during these and I would leave it alone at a disagreement, essentially. I hated to see my partner so emotional during these talks and did not want to push them over the edge. However, i subsequently bottled things up and this left me pretty burn’t toward the end. While my partner was not very receptive, I wish I’d pushed forward and addressed the differences and red flags I was seeing earlier. Would’ve saved years of strain on the both of us as well as the additional pain when we finally did end things.


Leave the minute they start throwing around false accusations/compare you to an ex. Especially if they start going though your phone. Like, if their ex cheated and now they think you cheated too when you didn’t.


Right? We don't have to be punished for another person's sins.


I got falsely accused of wanting to cheat, so I understand what you mean


Accused of wanting!! This is like the guy that had his clothes thrown out of the window because he got accused of cheating in his GF's dream. She dreamt that shit, he paid for it in real life, oh well.


Oh damn, some people are crazy


Wish I knew this one before my last relationship :(


Jesus I’m in this situation right now


it's important to build self worth before and while youre in a relationship


it really is. and don't have your main source of validation come from your partner. i fell into that trap and i'm completely fucked up rn.


Same it’s been months, I am better. Some other days it hits me like a train


You can be the best package you could be, but still be delivered to the wrong address. It's okay, knowing it's the wrong address is the first step to healing.


Wow! That is so deep!


Trust your gut even if you don’t feel ready to let go


Actions speak louder than words


don’t chase people who wants to leave. if they had taken you for granted, it’s their loss. just a reminder that don’t worry, the right ones won’t leave.


Thank-you for writing this.


1. To draw a line when to stop fighting for the person who gave up on you. 2. To always choose yourself. 3. And to heal. It may feel like you can’t breath, it feels like your world has no meaning with out him/her. And it may feel like the pain is no ending. But you have the choice to either get help by the people who loves you, keep busy or find a away to really analyze what happened in the relationship, accept your faults and learn but learn to the point where u don’t want to do the same mistake in your next love story where u can be 10 times more better in your next relationship, where u can grow and understand that pain is what we need to mature more and do better or you can choose to let the pain eat you alive(depression, anxiety, lost or angry) but one thing is the we need to accept is that time heals. You get to realize how much people are going threw the same pain and don’t feel so alone. So Reddit to my people who are in pain, get your favorite snacks and watch a funny movie, take long walks while listening to music and even if u have to cry do it. , go out to eat by your self, lay down in the grass and look at the sky, talk to other people or talk about the pain your feeling with people who are there for you. I’m telling you this bc is almost 3 moths since he left me and I feel like I’m such a different person that I finally accepted that he not coming back and something is broken that can’t be fix the trust is lost. That you deserve……… that you believe…………. Therapy has helped me cope with this pain. Everybody has a different journey but at least choose yourself because at the end yourself is what is there at the end. I hope this can help someone who need to listen to kind words.


It’s beautiful! Thank you!


Never make your relationship your entire life.


Taking a break is better than trying to make it work


Thank you


One month after I feel like the big lessons is still coming. What I did realise so far is to pay attention to your loved ones relationships with others. If they're unable to maintain healthy relationships with their family and friends, they'll be unable to maintain healthy mindsets and a healthy relationship with you.




Accurate. At first they blame depression but when it's too much on us they blame Us.




The number one lesson I learned (dumpee here) is I am a better person because of the breakup. If she didn't leave I would not have become the much better person i am today.


Always believe people when they tell you who they are.


Leave past the fckn past!


During the relationship remain true to who you are and never , never overlook a red flag


That I am in charge of taking care of me and that I lost myself in the relationship.


“I am in charge of taking care of me” oof that one hits. I always knew that, but he took care of me so well and that was really the primary way he showed love so I accepted it. Over time it left me feeling helpless though and now that the relationship has ended I feel like I’m drowning.


Communication is everything




Never try to work relationship out with someone that doesn’t show the same type of effort that you gave. No matter how much they say they love you or claim you guys are soul mates lol. Dont get false hopes if yall run into each other in person and they get all physical with you out of nowhere.


I learned that when he showed me who he was the first time I should have believed it. I didn’t. Him leaving me the last time I only felt anger at myself. For not realizing I should have left all along. Now that the anger faded I see it all clearly.


1. There is NO mixed signals 2. Believe them when they say that they don’t want a relationship (they don’t want it with you) even if they have feelings for you. 3. Take things slow. Don’t make any important decisions at the first stages. 4. Don’t believe in words without actions. “Mute” the person and see only what they do. 5. Never ask about your needs to be met more than 2 times, they heard you, just choose do nothing about it. 6. Always have your own income and your cycle of friends. 7. Listen to your gut, if you feel something is off, it is! 8. Don’t stay for the potential of the relationship, it might never come!


The second one hurt more than anything




For me being 3 weeks into a breakup I think this is still pending for me… but what makes sense to me is filling up your own cup and meeting someone who has also done the same seems like it could be a beautiful thing


It’s important to compromise in a relationship. If they refuse to, it won’t work


Only enter a relationship with people who fulfill one of the following criteria: * have already resolved their problems through therapy * are currently in therapy * are willing to go to therapy


That I get way too absorbed in my relationships. We broke up and all of a sudden I rediscovered all of the things I was unto before.


That I fuck up everything I find joy in


It’s not fine, but it’ll be okay.




That love isn't enough


You honestly can't trust no one .


Thank you this is the absolute in life


Ain't that the goddamn truth...


Don't avoid red flags ever..


It’s okay to prioritize yourself


Promises made in emotions no matter how heartfelt can change Respect her wishes even if you don't agree with them You don't need to win every argument at the expense of her feelings The little things she ask you to matter A girl that loves you will truly only ask for your commitment, time and attention: don't realize that you had that girl after you fucked it up


You will never truly know what's in someone's heart


Don’t get with guys who are less than 6 months out of a relationship lol


Don’t stay with the person you want him to be because he will never be that person.


Be careful because predators come in many forms


If you partner is unable of having difficult conversations, it’s not going to work. They just held everything in and resented me for it, and then cheated during the last month(s) while they made excuses to avoid me.


To work on yourself and continue with therapy. Not everyone is fully healed with the problems they went through. However, if it were your person(s) they would understand and work with you, but to an extent. Never put everything you are going through on them. I started doing this recently and learned that I still need to work on myself and love myself. I need to give to myself as well. Sadly my relationship didn’t last as I would like it but better things are to come whether they are lessons or a better relationship.


Always follow my gut. I’ve lost and I’ve learned


Boundaries - let people experience the consequences of ignoring your boundaries. I was actually I realise pretty good at communicating my needs and boundaries, but every time they were crossed I forgave him because he said he was sorry. Trust yourself - I spent the last few years believing I was too sensitive or crazy. You can be independent but in a codependent relationship. I thought because we both had our own lives that we couldn't possibly be codependent. Now realise you don't have to be ticking every box on the unhealthy relationship symptoms to be in an unhealthy relationship. I deserve better, and I will be better off without him.


people actually don’t change if they did you wrong the first time they’ll do you wrong next time


Trust actions not words.


Don’t get back together when they beg you and you feel sorry for them. It doesn’t work.


Don’t move in with someone you’ve only been with for 5 months, especially when they’re much younger and less mature than you when it comes to dating. Seems like a no brainer, but I was way too infatuated with her to understand how big of a problem it was.


True. I would not move in with mine because I saw major immaturity issues. Punching walls, not cleaning toilets or sinks, eating out everyday. Just terrible habits. We loved each other but I thought if he doesn't take care of himself how would he be there for a family? 'I'll never marry someone I don't live with first" he said...yea. cause it's easier to manipulate and conquer in your own dwelling than when someone can walk away from a mess.


Sometimes it’s better to let the person go for their own happiness and success. Not everything lasts forever, and don’t jump into a relationship without loving yourself first and foremost or else the relationship will have a higher chance of failing.


That no matter how hard I try or how much effort I put into something, if the other person is not willing to heal and fix things (even tho they promised they were) it’s not going to work.


If he's not financially stable he will never be able to focus on the relationship.


Dang, that's a proper lesson. Thanks


Don't move in with them when you're nowhere near financial stability


This is a hilariously sound concept. Both my partner and I were not for years ready financially. I wanted to get married to him. Life changes had me get a lucrative job. He changed nothing of his own life. I suddenly had money but after saying we had no money to get married he began saying marriage wasnt in his plans at all. I think ... money isnt important if you work together, bc you can figure that out in the year of engagement. If you want forever with them you Will do what it takes to figure it out.


I had a job when I got together with my ex. She wanted me to move in with her and live together at her place as she already owned a house and felt it didn't make sense for me to rent outside. I did. She then got clingy and couldn't bear be apart. So I quit my job and then we started a business together. She got new friends, made money and suddenly wanted to see the world with them, without me. Kicked me out of her place overnight. Cut me off the business that we had together. I was jobless, penniless, homeless overnight. I mean I had some stash of money that was my own (around $400/1.5k in my currency) but I had to use it for my pets boarding, seeing as she kicked them out too 🤐 I had to live with relatives and hoped for their kindness (alms) until I got a job 2 months later. That's why I feel financial stability is important. I don't want anyone to go through what I went through.


Work on yourself and your self worth but not to meet their expectations.


Wasting time on the wrong people is a terrible thing.


Never invest yourself so much into the relationship that you forget yourself. Always remember to have and treasure other relationships you have outside of your partner. Same goes for hobbies, always remember to keep your individual self in a relationship because God forbid if the relationship falls apart, these are the things which will help you rediscover yourself, there are often times you forget yourself and as cliché as it sounds it's important to focus on yourself as much as you focus on your relationship.


You can't fix people, and always protect yourself!


Love isn’t always enough.


I already knew this but again I had to relearn it in my last relationship.


I had to relearn it as well and I’m sure life will teach me this lesson a few more times before I expire. My most recent breakup though seemed to etch this lesson into my brain more than the previous relationships did. I broke up with the person I’ve loved more than anything so far, but I did it because I deserved more than abuse. I hurt that person and I have to live with that, but love isn’t always enough. That’s how I see it. I do think it gets better, but it’s a daily battle.


My partner just didn't have his career together and was having Financial issues and it was destroying our relationship along with some other outside issues. So all his stuff just bled into the relationship and took precedence and when I needed him he was like you're asking for too much now because he needed to single-mindedly focus on that. Also people need to be ready to be in a relationship and know what that means not just wanting to not be alone or having someone to hold their hand. You need to be able to give to your partner and that can even just be listening to them.


I agree. I wish more people could understand that love isn’t a feeling, it’s a promise. In a relationship it’s not always gonna be passion and happiness, there will be times where you hate each other, that’s why you promise everyday to stay. Imo, each “I love you” that’s said is someone getting up everyday and choosing you, choosing to always work on that relationship. I’m a firm believer that you should never promise things when you’re happy though, that’s a pessimistic rule I hold myself to.


Yeah relationships take work and love requires effort. You can't just tell someone oh I love you and then it just erases that you aren't doing anything to show that. You can love someone as much as you want but if you take no actions to prove it to the person of course they're going to be confused and dissatisfied.


Even though I have been through several breakups, the last one I had has shown me how to move on. I never learn how to move on, I just "floated" from one relationship to another without realizing that there are tools to use and feeling to feel. That's one hella of a lesson for me.


People can love you and mean everything they say, including promises of forever, but they’re expressing a feeling they have in the moment. Feelings can and do change. Doesn’t mean everything was a lie or that they’re villains, but never take for granted that love is there to stay. Try to appreciate those around you, nurture your relationships, but also be aware that it can all change and make sure you’re ok on your own if it does. It’s still worth the risk.


I learned that I don't need a relationship, I'm good with myself, even when I'm bored, I now know that a romantic partner will not help me with that on the long run. As I don't really want children, I don't have any pressure in finding someone to build a family with. And that's OK.






The goal isn’t to not care about this person anymore but to care about yourself way more


This is fantastic


That sometimes love is not enough. You can love someone more than anything, but if who you are at your core is not compatible with who they are at their core, the relationship will never be as fulfilling as you deserve.


If you have a gut feeling that it won’t work out, say it out loud


Sometimes I’m the problem


Removing the rose tinted glasses didn’t make me miss them any less but I know we’re both better off this way.


Lesson: Love yourself before others.


Appreciate the small moments in your relationship. Playing a game together, laughing stupidly, laying in each others arms, stuff like that. Looking back, these are core memories.


Never obsess over them and learn how to love yourself more


Seeing the red flags, but just letting it go, hoping it’ll get better.


that life is meaningless and its only a matter of time until i fucking leave this shit whole.


Don’t take people for granted


One's input into a relationship doesn't necessarily mean equal output from someone else.


Don’t let other people’s opinions play a role in ur relationship


to not waste time and energy on someone who lets the distance grow bigger everyday


Never allow one person to be your everything


That their sorry doesn’t mean anything when they do it over and over again


Never to let myself think I am truly settled and safe. You can never be confident that someone won't hurt you, and it hurts more when they eventually let you down while you're believing that you are loved unconditionally. I guess never to look at relationships with naive eyes again.


What you thought the relationship was does not equate to what it actually was. And the sooner you let that sink in, and let go of the tricks your mind plays on you after a breakup, the sooner you realize the relationship wasn't nearly as good as you let yourself believe it was.


Don’t become content with the way things are. Always look for improvement


Don’t spend too much time together


What’s going to leave will leave and what’s going to stay will stay


Make your career/ education / yourself a priority, even though we all know it deep inside... It's very easy to slip off, plan everything around the other person and do things that keep us close to them. (eg) not take up that amazing job in a different country. (Eg) not see your friends more, that one's who pick up the pieces after the breakup!


That I have amazing friends that will love me even if I tell them my dark side


There’s really no point in having romantic relationships anymore, I’m getting to old to find someone new and some partners throw hissy fits if you dare go out with friends.


Women are heartless and lie about everything


That I'm not made for love hahahahah


Never trust anything they promise you. Never. They'll promise thick and thin, and will bail anyway, whenever they want to, not giving a flying fuck about you. Never fully trust your partner,or you'll get your fingers burned badly.


I just broke up 3 days ago, with plans of getting married this November. Something did not work out. I am not really saying this for myself but for my ex. Do not take out an instalment plan for a gift. Now I am guilty because he is paying for the thing I am using and I plan to return it back soon, even though he told me to keep it because it’s a gift. I feel bad so I am returning it.


So this is what a shit relationship is. That’s about the only positive I can think from all of it.


When a person shows you who they are believe them


Love hurts but addictive. Unfortunately.


That she didn’t/doesn’t deserve me!


Break up is hard


It’s not worth the pain and they will never come back


That love isn’t enough. Also that you can’t really ask for respect, affective responsibility, fidelity, etc., that’s something you either have or you don’t


Do not try to fix something that was not broken on the first place.


Don't neglect a relationship


When they try to reach out, don't give in. Keep your distance.


Letting go of a person is a form of love.


You gotta put yourself first no matter what.


Let go of the baggage and don’t be afraid to invest or take the first step. But do invest and test. If he doesn’t reciprocate, then i got to stop.


Never let your entire life revolve around a partner. Always look after yourself and your other friendships bc when you break up you'll be left to fend for yourself.


How to control your emotions and not be so reactive. Do not cope with pain using alcohol (only makes it worse) and realize all good things come to an end eventually.


Always trust your gut feeling and intuition. Never put your needs and desires under the guise of protecting a relationship. Never shrink yourself and always remember we are born alone and die alone. Everything in between can be temporary. But also, to live lightly, to share more but be cautious, to be a better listener and communicator.


This world is actually fucking cold. I dont knoq what to do. But it sure doesnt include anyone else but me right now..


Just let it go when they are not willing to make things work


that i have been way to dependant on my ex for emotional support


That communication is a must.


don't let them be the sole reason for your happiness


Actions matching words


That I am not willing to be treated like a domestic appliance


To not always put in all the effort. I live in a small town and he lived in the city every weekend sometimes during the week I would visit via train. I would do it again.now looking back it stinks.we don't talk anymore.


I was not ready for a relationship at all


Our relationship started with a lie.. before I turned 18 I would let people assume that I was older than I was bc I looked it and liked the attention. Anyway he thought I was 18 bc I never corrected him and when we got together I told him "today is my 18th birthday not my 19th" I know what I did was horrible and I realized that when it was too late. Well he didn't care bc he was already in love with me. I'm a liar, been called that my entire life by my family. I don't know why I do it and before I moved to where I am now I was really really good about being truthful. It's not so much lying at first it's just doing things independently and communicate issues then it's lying when I realize what they don't know won't hurt them bc most of the time I don't even realize it could have any impact on another person. I hate it and I've been trying really hard to work on my mental health bc it's makes me physically sick whenever I get angry or sad. He hates that I hide shit we've had fights about it before but he never liked to admit when he's lied or fed up. I was sitting here one day and it dawned on me. 'Our relationship started with a lie why did we thing the duration would be any different'


My life revolved around my ex. Put everything else to the side including other relationships with friends and family and I will never do that again. I loved her more than she ever loved me unfortunately


Don't sacrifice your own goals for anything or anybody. No matter the importance or how many things you have sacrificed for another person, you are the only one who will ever feel any kind of way about it. You can't change the way people perceive you. You may have been, in your mind, the glue that held someone together. But if they don't want to see you that way, they won't. You just have to accept that you might always be the bad guy in someone else's story and keep moving forward.


Don’t tolerate all things when you don’t have to.


i cant lose myself trying to save someone. and i can’t make them fit into the picture I have of the future if they simply don’t fit. what’s meant to be will be.


If they wanted to, they would. This guy would shut me out for days at a time after a fight towards the end of our relationship. If he wanted to work on things with me, he would. If he wanted to see me, he would. If he wanted to talk to me, he would. If he wanted me in his life, he’d have me in his life. The love of your life won’t walk away from you and make the decision every single day to not have you in their life


Don’t make your happiness completely dependent on the other person, because if they are gone you literally feel dead…


don’t prioritize the relationship over your life because after the breakup you have nothing left but to build yourself again


I’m not a parent, but want to be one day, and what helped me a lot with my healing in the beginning when I was still codependent and completely anxiously attached, (as well as admittedly not putting myself first at all), was to reframe it as whether I would want to have kids with someone like my ex. His heart?? Absolutely. His values, great in theory. But someone who cuts out when things aren’t even THAT tough, and totally fixable? Not dad material. Someone who struggles to do the right thing when it’s not DIRECTLY involving them? Not what I want as an example for my future kids. Pushback when *I* choose to do the right thing by other people when I’m not directly involved but can help make a difference? Not what I want my future kids to see their dad giving mom grief about. Sense of humor? Great. Not able to realize that even jokes have a line and you need to have a filter over saying everything that pops into your brain JUST bc it’s a joke?? Not the example I want for my future kids. Rarely prioritizing your significant other?? Not a good example of how daddy should treat mommy. His motivation and family values? Adore him for it. ALWAYS putting more importance on work than having a balance and acknowledging that we work to live not live to work and struggling with life being at home not the office?? Not my personal preference on what my kid’s dad will model and emphasize as important. Looking down on me because I want to stay home and raise kids when I have them as lazy?! Absolutely tf not, there’s a laundry list of ways this would cause the relationship to expire. Not being willing to communicate healthily, and stonewalling when upset/angry? Not something I want done to my children and if he could do it to me he could do it to them, they just wouldn’t understand. Not willing to try therapy when issues CLEARLY exist?? Not something that’s an option when kids are involved, and certainly not a great example of how to healthily approach change. Might seem odd but at the time when I thought that these red flags were things *I* could deal with because of the sheer love and adoration I had for him, it helped to frame it thinking about how the absolute lack of change, healing, and growth would affect not only me, but my entire future and the future loves of my life (kiddies one day). That if I couldn’t handle staying away for me, I would do it for the good of my future children’s mental health. I stumbled upon this randomly helping me when I realized that I had a pregnancy scare with my ex in may 2021, and in January 2022 he dumped me. I ended up losing my time of the month due to stress in January or February and *thought* I was having another one. I wasn’t pregnant but was terrified that I was and when I found out I wasn’t I calculated what would have been if that first pregnancy scare was actually a baby. I’d be JUST about to give birth at the time he broke up with me. And for some reason that helped me to be like omg thank you UNIVERSE for not letting that happen. It was the only time within all of that pain that I felt I had dodged a bullet; not because I don’t want kids, I do, but because I realized if the necessary changes weren’t being made for himself, or the good of our relationship, that lack of change would carry over to being the father of my kids one day, and THAT put in perspective that his potential didn’t matter, effort (or the lack thereof) and where he is at NOW matters.