By - plantsarecool222
I had a major friendship breakup in my late twenties. It took me a long time to get to a place of peace with it, especially because there's been nobody to take her place since (making new close friends = much harder in your thirties, at least in my experience). I'm no longer particularly upset with the way things went down, although I certainly felt betrayed at the time. It's just, sometimes people turn into a version of themselves you no longer recognise, and that's a strong sign the friendship cannot continue.
I do think the healing process takes time and isn't always linear, but all you can do is wait - not for closure (because closure is something you give yourself), but for time to heal those wounds. It's been four, maybe five years for me now and I can look back and be grateful for all the good memories because I've had enough time to mourn what was lost. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. Remember that feelings are not facts and that sometimes, you're allowed to simply feel crappy until you don't anymore. It is totally natural to feel sad and angry after a big emotional upheaval, after all.
I had a big friendship breakup in my early 20’s. My friend started dating a guy, got pregnant, got married, and they bought a house at 21 years old. She was still in college but otherwise not working. Honestly I was jealous because it felt like she was getting everything she wanted handed to her. I vented about it in what I thought was an anonymous online diary. Turns out, she had been reading it since we were roommates. She was hurt (rightfully so) and ended the friendship. I was devastated and felt like a trash human being for the longest time afterward.
I still feel bad for how the friendship ended, but now that a lot of time has passed I think it would have ended one way or another, anyway. She wasn’t always kind to me. I had untreated depression for a very long time because some truly awful things did happen to me but also because of a genetic predisposition. She would always say things like, “I’ve had way worse things happen to me,” or “I would be depressed, too, if I were as lazy as you!” Things like that. Not to mention that, she, you know, snooped on my computer, found my diary, and continued to consistently read it for two years and I never would have known if I hadn’t had the audacity to write my private thoughts about her.
Sometimes I still dream that we run into each other and try to reconcile the friendship. In the end I always realize that we just don’t have anything in common at this point in our lives (I have no idea if that’s actually true) and I’m not sad about it anymore.
I think it's absolutely horrible she read your diary I'm so sorry you went through that
Thanks. I hope you feel at peace with the end of your friendship sooner than later. 💜
I ended a friendship of over 15 years in my 20s. It left me feeling betrayed and angry and like I'd wasted a lot of my time on someone who was ultimately not a good person and certainly not a good friend.
It's been more than 5 years now. I'm still not as close to anyone besides my spouse as I had been with her (she'd been my best friend since grade school), but I'm at peace and happy. I feel good about the people I've chosen to spend time with. I've filled the gap she left with kind and well intentioned people. I genuinely believe that with time, I'll find a best friend again - I just haven't had the opportunity yet.
As for how I feel about her - I hope she's well. I hope she's sought therapy and changed as a person. But I haven't looked her up, talked to her, or sought any information about her since I ended our friendship. I'm happiest with her being a stranger now and I try not to think about the person she was when I knew her. I don't think of her much anymore at all.
I can't pretend it was an easy time. It was definitely one of the more painful and heartbreaking experiences of my life, but I'm much happier now than I ever was with her in my life. I hope that your future will also bring you joy and peace as you move forward.
Well I had become friends with someone inadvertently. I had gone through a drunken phase/low self esteem and also had hooked up with a guy.
Her and I were becoming friends and she began dating him long after we hooked up. I never interacted with him when the became a couple, but her and I were still good friends. Then one time randomly she asked if he and I slept together. I told her yes, it was during a period that my life was a mess and meant nothing. She was hurt and felt lied to. Understandably so. And decided to end the friendship. I apologized for my piece and wished her well, but she decided to say something along the lines of that's why I got cheated on/physically hurt by my bf at the time.
Granted their was no cheating as things with her guy and I had happened long before them and before I got into a relationship.
When she said that I realized it really wasn't a friendship lost. I still wish her well from a distance, but have no desire to open that back up.
I’m over it mostly. I’m sad that it wasn’t as equally supportive as I thought it was. That being said, I’ve seen her a couple times since - had a visit, bought a plant from her, and honestly the spark is just not there anymore
I (27F) went through a friendship breakup last year. I was friends with them for 10 years, pretty much since freshman year. I was quite messed up tbh but a part of me was relieved to be done with it. I realized that I had always been disrespected, throughout our friendship. They were highly opinionated & had very strong thoughts on what I “should” and “shouldn’t” be doing in my life. They judged me for talking in a certain way or being from a certain part of the US.
It was all done in “jest” but it took me a while to realize that friends can crack jokes at each others’ expense without being disrespectful.
It’s been a year now & sometimes I feel really bad looking at their Instagram stories etc, when the whole group is hanging out together & I’m not there. However, I also realized that my mental health has never been better. A lot of my anxiety was caused by my need to be validated by them & never receiving that validation. It’s been amazing to have let go of that huge weight.
I have a few good friends now & I don’t have to be fake with them. They don’t judge me for how I speak & where I’m from & I can be myself without worrying about consequences.
It does get better even if it’s lonelier :)
I was so gutted at the time and for a good year or two afterwards, but now I'm over it. Even if my ex-friend apologised and asked to be friends again I would say no thank you. Fair weather friends are worse than no friends at all.
I had a friend break up with someone in my professional circle in my late 20s. Basically, she had a very negative view of our field. And that was fine when we were in the trenches together, paying our dues. But she refused to do any work to improve her professional standing. And I then had kids, and being busy at work and with my kids, I just got so tired of the negativity every time I saw her. I got tired of offering to proofread cover letters and CVs and having her rebuff me only to want to get a drink and cry when she missed the next big job. And that’s what I told her. That I couldn’t stand all the negativity and the anger and I couldn’t watch her miss opportunity after opportunity. I wanted her to be happy and I couldn’t watch her sink.
I still miss her. But I need to guard my peace, too. If she reached out and said she wanted to reconnect, I’d be willing to have a conversation. But I wouldn’t do it if she hadn’t gotten it together.
It hurt. Bad. For years. I moved across the country - not just because of that, but it was one of the reasons.
It got less painful after 7ish years, but I’d still cry if I thought about it too hard.
I recently had to be in a wedding party with her (this was 9+ years after our friendship dissolved) and after talking with my therapist, I wrote a letter to her (not that I gave it to her - just a therapeutic technique to make me feel better and it did, SO MUCH) and I was ready to speak with her just normally. Well, I could feel the anger and hatred seeping off of her. So, literally only said one sentence directly to her.
Oh, well. Funny thing is she’s a therapist (or at least almost one) and always used to tote on how important therapy was. I think I won that one. Anyway, that was eye opening and all this time I had been so mad at her because she literally moved out on me without saying a thing! But apparently somehow in her mind it was all my fault and it’s still super fresh in her mind, if her loathing was any indication.
Anyway, I feel TONS better about it at this point and I used to think she was my soulmate-friend and now I realize that was never going to last. Oh well.
My friend started sleeping with my ex and telling him my secrets as soon as we separated. We weren’t broken up, just taking time apart at that point. She didn’t tell me and continued to come around and develop friendships with my other friend’s until her kickstarter was funded which I and my friends donated to. She also made herself over in my image. I was so angry and humiliated. I felt like I had to defend myself to people…that that was my identity that she stole. I overshared badly. I responded poorly though because I was legitimately very traumatized.
Looking back now, I forgive myself and realize as I’m now their age when it happened, that they were the ones who should be ashamed. Incredibly immature and pathetic behavior. And it says a lot that she basically single white femaled me, an early 20s woman, as a mid30s woman herself.
It took years to have this perspective. I was traumatized for a long time and developed severe agoraphobia and shame about my appearance. I felt like a cheap Halloween costume.
Thank god I’m better now and I hope she’s still suffering with her lack of identity.
I didn't have a hurtful breakup in the sense that it wasn't out in the open. My best friend from ages 14-24 ghosted me. We were fine one month, the next he wouldn't reply to messages.
I'm now 36, and until maybe 2-3 years ago I would have monthly crying sessions over it, trying to understand what I did wrong, how I could have fixed it. How I could fix it now. What helped me get through it was thinking about writing a fiction story with the themes of past friendships and all that hurt. Trying to imagine what the two main characters would do how they would relate, what their lives would be like post-"breakup" and tentative reconciliation. It helped me start to see the issue as separate from my self-worth. Sometimes people who are right for you at one stage of your life aren't, in the next.
I still try to avoid any memories of him, any social media, seeing his family's instagram. It still hurts, but most of the time I forget he exists.
I’ve had two major friend breakups, i wish I could say I moved on but i’ve now become more isolated as much i’d love new friends the hurt encountered and lost trust..I don’t think I can go through it again.
Completely fine and happy about it tbh. She was not a good person and was leaning more alt-right by the minute.
I ended a couple of toxic friendships in my 20s.
One, she was an alcoholic in an abusive relationship and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t help her because she didn’t want help. When I purposely distanced myself and bowed out of participating in her wedding, she lashed out at me. It was definitely hard because she had once been there for me through a really difficult time when I lost my sister. But I knew in my heart that I tried and now, I have no regrets.
The second friend was a co worker who became a friend and she also helped me through losing my sister but she also had a lot of things going on herself. There was a specific incident where she wanted me to lie to one of our mutual friends and I wouldn’t do it. That made me realize that we had different ideas of what a good friend is and I ended contact with her. No regrets on that one either.
Time will heal and just know that any relationship can run its course. Grieve the loss but if you know you did everything you could and kept your character intact, then it will be worth the temporary loss in the long run.
I internalized something my best friend in my 20’s said to me and abruptly ended the friendship a few months later. My dad was also getting to the point where I knew in my gut he was going to die someone me and my friend knew mutually, one of my childhood friends died in a car accident around that time, and my other friendships were lacking in depth and emotional support, on top of all of that I was in the beginning stages of my sobriety. When I ended the friendship we had a very long talk via text and at the end she told me that her door was always open to me.
Fast forward four years I had felt awful for years how I had treated her and had thrown away a true friendship over something meaningless in the grand scheme of things. This was a friend who consistently supported me, was always encouraging and genuinely happy for me, helpful, fun to be around, safe. Just an all around good person. I kept thinking about her over the years though and would get sad when I’d see bottle caps and think of her, there were countless times I wanted to reach out, and finally back in April I did and she was really nice and we’re back to our friendship, she had kept a PDF for my birthday she had made me for my 27th birthday filled with memories and pictures from the 7 years we had been friends it was so sweet, we went to Charleston last month together, I got to see her now boyfriend for the first time in 11 years. I think we had to have that time apart to humble us which allowed us to come back together. She’s the only friend I let go of in the past that I truly misses and am very thankful we’re back in each others lives.
Other friendships I had ended in my 20’s there were two girls, my neighbors who were a couple. I felt bad for ghosting them, but I was so angry with one of them my actual neighbor for not helping me end up with the woman she knew I loved and had feelings for. And after I found out she had moved away every time I would see my neighbor it just reminded me of my sadness and my heartbreak. They ended up being squinted with one of my then best friends years later and that girl told me I should reach out and I did and never heard back. I’m glad they’re gone because I just felt used by them.
That other girl who told me to reach out she and I went to high school together, that friendship was unhealthy. When she was sober she was a joy to be around and so involved, reliable and an absolute joy to be around, but when she wasn’t she wasn’t a friend. That finally fizzled and I hope it stays fizzled. I hope everything’s works out for her, but I’m glad it’s finally where it’s at.
One friendship I had for 15 years I ended when I was 28. He was just an over all bad friend and so were all of the mutual friends we had together that he had introduced me to. There was no drama at least I didn’t think so. I just moved away and never said anything and neither did they. When my dad died no one was really at all supportive and it just reinforced what I had been feeling about them all for years, it was just incredibly clear at that point.
It all hurt in all different ways. When you put so much time and effort in to building a relationship with another person and then they don’t put in the same amount of effort you feel alone and lonely. I remember being at a party for a long weekend at one their houses and I went and sat down and everyone walked away and one of them who actually stopped being friends with everyone too when he broke up with his girlfriend in the group goes “awww you’re like the forgotten friend I’ll sit with you” and that was sweet, but it was very true and being in a group of people that aren’t nice to you and stab you in the back those aren’t really friends and they’re not worth giving your time or energy to. God/life/the universe/whatever you believe eventually opens your life up to the people who are meant to be in your life for good and will love you, respect you and care about you, have your best interest at heart without an agenda. And have your back.
Most of us go through to adulthood expecting to have that one partner, and all other relationship to end. With friendships, we grow up thinking we'd keep all of the friends we meet along the way and that's just not how that works. In my 20s, I had a lot of friendship breakups and they hurt like crazy.
Looking back, I look at those friendships like I would a past romantic partner - there was a totally valid reason for the breakup and am glad they aren't actively in my life now, but having met them along the way made me a better person and I appreciate the role that they had in my life at that time.
Life is like a bus trip. Some people will hop off in the middle of your journey, you'll miss them but other people will hop in, so focus your attention to the ones that chose to be by your side, not the ones that bail.
I've had a few friendships that were over for a multitude of reasons. Some I understand, some I don't. I decided to forgive them in my heart and move on. I don't think about them anymore. Sometimes we see each other in parties, I greet them and that's it. I wish them well but good riddance, I have other friends.
It stops to hurt after a while.
We broke up in my mid 20s and then about 6 months later I caved and we got back together. 10 years later he cheated on me with his boss’s wife. I regret not sticking to my convictions and letting him back in to my life. I have resentment for being taken advantage of and all the time I wasted.